The commoner. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-1923, July 04, 1902, Page 6, Image 6

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The Commoner.
Vol. a, No. 4.
Quito by accident a Bonovolqnt Gent
happened tb pass by just as a largo
Gazabo was about to concludo the
finishing touches of Trouncing an Un
dersized Youth.
"Gently, gently!" murmured the
Bonovolont Gont. "Do not, I pray,
become Brutal in your work."
"Aw, go chaso ycrsolf," was tho in
solont reply of tho Large Gazabo.
"But vhy do you land so Heavily
upon tho youth's jugular?" queried tho
Bonovolont Gont.
"Bocauso ho yearns to sot up in
Business for himsolf, and Inood him
to perform a fow Stunts for mo," re
plied tho Largo Gazabo.
"Thon," romarked tho Bonovolont
Gont, "this is whore I perform a ser
vice to Humanity."
So saying, tho Bonovolont Gont
folntod with his loft and Landed heav
ily upon the Largo Gazabo's solar
"Why do you thus Assault and Bat
tor me?" queried tho Largo Gazabo,
looking up from a Recumbent position.
"I am moved by a Generous Im
pulse," replied tho Benevolent Gent,
"and I would free tho Undersized
Youth from his galling chains of Ser
vitude." So saying tho Benevolent Gent pro
ceeded to perform various feats of
Physical Prowess upon tho person of
tho Largo Gazabo.
"I will gladly allow tho Youth to go
free," gasped tho Largo Gazabo after
a short timo.
But when tho Undersized Youth
y6uld have set up in BuBlnoss for
himsolf tho Bonovolont Gent Bald:
"Not so. You will bo better off by
taking a place in my kitchen and do
ing odd jobs for mo."
"But you mixed with tho Largo Ga
zabo because you were moved by a
Gonorous Impulse," wailed the Youth.
"Quito true," replied the Benevolent
Gont, "but during the last few mo
ments it has occurred to mo that my
Generosity is entitled to about 5 Per
Cont Interest."
Moral: Considerable Philanthropy
Is attached to tho 6 Per Cont Cable.
Rolling Act soino moro.
"Why not?"'
"Ah, my Brother, fire-arms were not
thon Invented.".
Moral: A Soft Answer is often the
Easy way Out.
A Man and his Wlfo started out onco
upon a Timo to establish for them
selves a homo in a uew Country. Just
as thoy had Found tho Spot and
orectod a Cabin thoy discovered a weak
Infant Industry lying by tho roadside
and Crying for Help.
"Help mo or I Perish," lisped tho
Tho Man and Wlfo being of Tender
Hearts took tho Infant Industry into
their Homo and Divided with It their
substance. Tho Infant throve Mightily
and was a Source of Great Joy to the
Good Man and his Wife.
Time went on and tho Man and his
Wifo began to Perceive that the Infant
Industry was Waxing Strong and
Swiping all tho Pastry. This Hurt
their Feelings, for thoy had been Gen
erous to the Infant, and had a right
to hope that tho Infant would do the
Right Thing.
But it was Not So.
Tho Infant began to Gobble all the
Grub and holler for Moro. When it
was not forthcoming it Became im
pudent and asked:
"What it is, Bill?"
One day tho Man and his Wifo con
sulted and agreed that tho Infant
should Hustle for Itself. When the
Subject was Broached the Infant ex
claimed: "Ha! Ha!"
And it ha-haed In a way that Hurt
tho Feelings of the Man and his Wife.
Thoy thereupon strove to Fire the In
fant out of tho House, but behold, It
had grown Too Big to Shove through
tho Door.
Moral: Don't bo a Clam.
Once upon a Timo a Parson who
claimed that he was Trying to spread
the Gospel of the Man of Peace began
acting very much like a Man who
Thought ho knew Moro than tho One
whom he professed to servo.
Tho Parson looked Abroad and saw
People of his own land engaged in
Shooting Holes into other People.
"Ah," remarked the Parson, "I Bee
that wo aro engaged in a Great Work.
Let us Pray .that the Great Work may
go on."
"But," queried a man whose head
contained an Idea that tho Gospel of
tho Nazarono was a Gospel of Peaco.
"why do you Rejoice because Men are
Being Shot?"
"The Shooting is in tho Interests
of Civilization," said the Parson.
"How can That be?" queried that
man whoso Head had tho Idea therein.
"Verily," replied tho Parson, rolling
his Eyes upwards, "wo do thereby
show our Superiority, and after show
ing our Superiority, wo can easily
Kiake thom Believe that wo are Su
perior because wo aro tho Only True
"Did tho One whom you Follow
itioot his religion into Others?" quer
ied the Man with the Idea.
"Certainly not," said the Parson,
clasping his hands and doing tho Eye
"Well, I confess"
"And aro not Millions of your Fel
low. Citizens groaning under grievous
"Of course, but we "
"Well, sir, wo aro Much Obliged tD
you, but wo prefer Risking this Thing
on our Own Hook."
At this the Man with the Mission
waxed Wroth and Called to his aid a
vast army to assist him in -Shooting
his Mission into the People .But the
People resisted, knowing thathe MJ&
sion was Frayed around the fidges afl
somewhat moth-eaten. ,-f
Moral: Some Missions are sadly In
need of a coat of Whitewash, ,
Once upon a Time a Kno:wledgeou3
Man went abroad to Rubber at a few
things Transpiring. Being an Official
of tho Government his Journey was
Watched with Great Eagerness.
"Behold, ho will Drop us a few
Lines Occasionally and put us Next,
said the People.
But ho did not. He came Home,
sweet Home, and Closed up like n
Clam for the Space of Some Weeks.
Finally he made his Little Yawp,
and as it was a case of Stand Up for
tho Administration, behold tho Organs
declared that his long Silence was dua
to the Fact that ho was a Great Man.
Once upon a Time, being the same
Time as Aforementioned, a Man went
Abroad to Represent his People. Sev
eral Things came off which he Opined
the People should be made Wise to.
Thereupon he put out for Home, sweet
Home. He also held his Yawp, saying
only that ho Would Speak when the
proper Time limit expired.
After the Space of Some Weeks he
handed out a Bunch of Talk, and it
was Hot Shot for tho administration.
And, behold, tho Organs declared that
tho Man was a Cheap Stiff who played
the Silent Dodge for tho Solo Purpose
of Getting Free Notice in the news
papers Top of Column next to Puro
Reading Matter.
Moral: Even the Administration
Organs must Hold their Jobs.
Once upon a Timo there was a Man
who got a Hunch that he had a Mis
sion. He felt Impelled to Travel in a
far Land and Teach its People how
to bo Good. He therefore secured a
Pass and went Abroad, carrying a
numbor of Reforms in his Carpet Bag.
In good time he arrived in a Land
whose People were Endeavoring to
start up in Business for Themselves.
"Ah!" exclaimed the Man with a
Mission, "I Bee I am just in Time. I
have here In my Grip some Good
"But wo want to Experiment." said
the People.
"Tut, tut," said tho Man with a Mis
sion. "I come from a Land where the
People know all about the Governing
business. I will now proceed to Start
you off Right."
"But has your own Country no Need
of your Services?" asked tho People.
"No, we are so Thoroughly Good
that we can Spare tho Time to Show
you How."
"But are your cities free from Cor
ruption?" "Well; we have a fow corrupt city
"And aro not Corrupt Men holding
High Place in your Government?"
"Yes, but wo will get rid of Them
in Good Time."
"And do you not Occasionally Burn
your Fellow Citizens at the Stake?"
"Yes, but"
"And is it not a Fact that the Party
which Backs you owes its Success to
It came to paj3s that Men with Dough
besought the People, saying:
"Give us What we ask and we will
Make you all Rich."
"What asketh Thou?" queried tho
"Protection, which Meaneth, let us
Charge you all the Traffic will bear by
Shutting off Competition."
Being Unsophisticated, the People
gave their Consent, saying, "See, these
are Infant Industries, which must be
Protected against the Wolves in Pau
per Clothing from Europe."
A large number of years went by
and the Infants grew Whiskers and
Biceps that wore Immense. Still the
People wot not that it was so, and the
Infants Ruled the Roost.
But it came to pass that a pair of
Infants fell out Concerning a Division
of the Stuff, and it was Revealed that
the Infants were Doing the Public to
the Tune of Five Hundred Per Cent
Profit on the Money Invested.
Moral: Plenty of Suckers will go
right on Coddling the Infants.
Will M. Maupin.
officers guilty of cruelty shall be pun
ished, and this impudent gang of camp
followers has tho effrontery to protest
against his action because it "threatens
the business interests in tho islands,
which urgently demand the protection
of the army." This business of pun
ishing army officers for violating tho
rules of civilized warfare, if persisted
in, says the Manila chamber of com
merce, "will result in the abandonment
of the American cause in the islands."
If the American cause main
tained only by torture and tne slaugh
ter of unarmed natives, thq quicker it
is abandoned the better. The presi
dent's reply to the Manila chamber of
commerce, if he deigns to make any,
should be mighty interesting reading.
Philadelphia North American (rep.).
An Impudent Appeal
The Manila chamber of commerce,
composed of as unscrupulous and
greedy a lot of carpet-bag exploiters
and grafters as over followed a flag
tj pillage in the wake of an army,
asks the president by resolution to
put a stop to trials of army officers
by court-martials for abusing the na
tives. Tho, trials are held under tho orders
J of the president, who has declared that
Is This an 'Attack?"
At the risk of being charged with
making an attack upon the honor of
the whole army, attention is called
to the fact that Lieutenant Hagedorn,
of the 28th infantry, who was arrested
last March on a charge of embezzle
ment, has been dismissed from tho
army and sentenced to two years' im
prisonment in Manila. This is tho
same officer who tortured some Fili
pino prisoners by keeping them on a
salt fish diet without water for forty
eight hours. For that indiscretion
Lieutenant Hagedorn was subjected to
tho indignity of a reprimand. Phila
delphia North American (rep.).
Extraordinary Growth of the Rural Free
(Philadelphia Press.)
Figures showing the growth of rural
free delivery during Postmaster Gen
eral Charles Emory Smith's incumb
ency of less than four years:
Routes in operation when he
took charge -. . . . 13J
Routes established or provid
ed for when he retired.... 7,000
Rural carriers to be In service
July 1 next . .. 9,300
Appropriation for 1898 $50,000
Appropriation for t)ie current
year $4,000,000
Amount to be disbursed dur
ing the ensuing fiscal year. $8,000,000
Coffee's Weight on Old Age
When prominent men realize the in
jurious effects of coffee and the chango
in health that Postum can bring, they
are glad to lend their testimony for
the benefit of others.
Mr. C. C. Wright, superintendent of.
public schools in North Carolina, says:
"My mother, since her early child
hood, was an inveterate coffee-drinker
and had been troubled with her hears
for a number of years and complained
of that 'weak all over feeling and sick
Some timo ago, I was making an offi
cial visit to a distant part of the coun
try and took dinner with one of tho
merchants of the place. I noticed a
somewhat peculiar flavor of the coffee,
and asked him concerning it. He re
plied that it was Postum Food Coffee.
I was so pleased with it, that- after
the meal was over, I bought a package
to carry home with me, and had wife
prepare some for the next meal; the ,
whole family were so well pleaEO-I
with it, that we discontinued coffee
and used Postum entirely.
I had really been at times very anx
ious concerning my mother's condi
tion, but we'noticed that after using
Postum for a short timo, she felt hj
much better than she did prior to Jts
use, and had little trouble with her
heart and no sick stomach; that the
headaches were not so frequent, and
her general condition much improved.
This continued until she was as well
and hearty as the rest of us.
I know Postum has benefited myself
and the other members of the family,
but not in so marked a degree as in
the case of my mother, as she was a
L victim of long standing."