6
Vol. 2, No. 5
The Commoner.
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Whether Common or Not.
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WHEN BENJAMIN TURNS LOOSE.
When Lodgo an' all his crowd git gay an' go t' makin' scones
About th' causo of all our woes In yondor Philippines, ' -,-.
An' tcllln' us th' trouble's our old-fogy sonse o' right ' '
An' thlnkln' more o' justice than wo do o' power an' might
Jus when they git t' talkln' so there's somethln' doln' then,
F'r up an' comln' Is a man th' country knows as Ben.
Ho shows their claims o' virtue Is a bit o' bold pretense '
An' ho makes their boasted policy resemble thirty cents.
They prato about our destiny an' think they're doln' fine
Till Tillman gits upon his feet an' takes 'em down th' line.
IIo worries 'om an' flurries 'em an' makes 'em mad as sin,
An' when ho gits 'cm b'llln' hot he gaily rubs it in.
They talk about our duty t' th' Filipino man
An' say that Thomas Jefferson Is but an "also ran." ., , ., . ? " .", 1
Thou Tillman jumps in with a word an' puts 'em all t' roiit " " ." -
F'r Bqii is sure t' git 'om in a senator'nl bout. 7 ' " ' '
Thoy. talk assimilation with a sobbin' in their throats
An' tholr visages so lengthy they kin oat Imperi'l oats :"
From, off th' bottom of a churn but 't ain't a bit o' use, . '. ' ' : :
Bon Tillman knows they're shammin' an' he turns his 'knowlqdgei loose.
IIo lonsts 'om an', ho roasts 'em, an' ho baste3 'em well betimes, " . '
An' makes their claims o' virtue look like three. old pewter dimes.
IIo always gits 'em good an' mad a jabbin' in his gaffs; . '...; -;
An' thou ho rares back in his chair an' laughs, an' laughs, an' laughs. .
Wiion Lodgo an' Boveridgo git gay an' try tholr little wiles, ; ., ;,' -An'
Allison comes pussy-foot adown th' senate aisles, -.';
01' Benjamin ho sits an' grins an' lots 'em spout a mite, '
An' thon he says a few briefs words an' knocks 'em out o' sight; ' - '
It tickles him almost t' death t' hear 'em moralize ' . - i
About our Christian duty an' about our growin' size, ' - '. -' ' '.
For ho knows that thoy don't mean It an' are talkln' 'f'r (W-ivC-An
he takes th' Declaration an' ho swats 'em in th' neck" ; " M
Yes, Bonjamin ho worries 'em an' flurries 'em, you bet! v ' " ' '
An though they try t' down him they ain't never done it yet t'V ' ,'' ''
He's got th' right upon his side, his causo Is good an' true, " V "
An' bore's a hopln, Benjamin, your way you will pursue.' ?', x: '
Just puncture hypocrites on sight, an' jab your little fork ' v " " " ' '"
Into th whole exploitin' crowd from Illinoy t' York. " ' " ' U ''""
Of courso they'll cuss an' call you names, but. jus' keep up your lick ' " f '
An next election day our votes will make 'em awful sick.
it is Comimr'
While not posing as a prophet or
the son of a prophet, wo have no
hesitancy in saying that in about
twelvo or fifteen months the repub
lican organs will begin printing para
graphs reading something like this:
"The war in the Philippines would
have been ended long 'ago had it not
boon for the false hopes hold out to
the Filipinos by the democratic party.
They will continue to fight in the hope
that the democratic candidate for pres
ident will bo elected. If tho republi
can candidate is elected they will see
the folly of further hostilities and sur-
i-unuer. stand by the republican par
ty," otc, otc.
They said it in 1900, and there seems
ample ground for bolieving that they
will havo opportunity to repeat it
In 1904.
The First Stop.
The meeting of capitalists was called
to order by the chairman and the busi
ness in hand at once taken up
"There aro millions in the scheme,
gentlemen," remarked the chief can
talist "The profits on the Investment
will bo enormous. We can't lose "
Ho then explained until all could
see that, he was right.
"What, then, should be. our first
step?" queried a minor capitalist.
That, sir. is a nupsHnn onon
- -w. vuailjr till-
swered " replied the chief capitalist.
We will proceeds once to have con
gress onact a law granting us un
enormous subsidy."
Of Courae.
"But our books show that we did not
Brant rebates," said the manager of
the Gougem, Scrougem & Robem rail
road. "But it is easy to doctor the books "
replied the spokesman of the people
committee. L "
"It is against the law for a man to
doctor without a diploma, and I havo
no diploma," said the manager. "Do
you think, gentlemen, that I would
disregard tho law?"
Seeing the uselessness of woundin
the feelings of such a careful man
committee humbly withdrew
Hounded.
small, dark man in the rear of the
hall as he struggled to the door. "Not
content with firing me out of my two-forty-nine-a-day
job in the navy de
partment they must hold me up to
public scorn at every opportunity."
Frightened.
"Did you celebrate Washington's
birthday?"
"Sh-h-h! Don't you know I'm a
federal office-holder?"
The Ulterior Motive.
"I see that Congressman Babcock
Is worrying his fellow republicans with
his efforts to amend the tariff."
"That so? I didn't know there was
a senatorial vacancy in Wisconsin."
Our Beautiful Langungo.
A highwayman in Albuqurque
Stole a. horse, a mule and a turque.
" They chased him a mile
Till 'they caught him in style,
And his ending was sudden and jurque.
Opportunities.
, Tenderfoot "Any chance around
here to make investments?"
'. Terrible Pete "You bet! Poker,
faro, , chuck-luck, roulettej ' craps,'
monte, cinch and hoss racin'. If
you've got any money left you kin buy
a few steers."
That's Why.
. I cannot sing the old songs
a With sympathetic strain;
I -cannot sing the old songs,
So full of grief and pain. "
, I cannot sing them any more -.
With doleful, quiv'ring lip
In. fact I can't sing anything
Because I've got the grip.
'Where!" thundered the orator
"where in history can h
charge so base, a calumy so vile a'
falsehood so brazen, a"
"There it is 'again," muttered a
Unanswerable Logic.
"Wo want. an increase in wages,"
said- ,the committee representing the
employes. ' r
"I grant that you earn more," said
the great manufacturer, "but I leave
it to-xou now, how am I to increase mv
public benefactions if I pay you higher
wagps?" ..
Not being masters of logic the mem
bers of the committee were forced to
retire in confusion.
However it may be that the increase
n public libraries will bring about a
higher standard of education.
Brain Leaks.
ToTaay''1'OW '3 U'8 refUg Inaolent
Profanity is a sign o a mw
vocabulary.
The hill is always smooth for tho
man going down.
The greatest successes have be.n
wrought through failure.
It is difficult to arouse sympathy f0,
he man who stubs his toe twice o3i
the same nail. n
Some men spend more money' m a
minute's conversation than they could
make in a lifetime.
JXTZT b'tween a
uimmai ana a common thief is .n
cernable only to the humaVbye
There Was something wong aoout
Only a Name
No Money is Wanted.
Please show this to 'some .person,
who needs one of these hooks. Ask
him to send, mo his name.
I will mail the hook, and with it an
order on your nearest druggist tor six
bottles Dr. Shoop's Restorative. I will
tell the druggist to let the sick one
take it for a month. If satisfied then,
pay $5.60. If not, I will pay the drug
gist myself.
I mean that exactly. I do not always
succeed, for sometimes there is a
cause, like cancer, which medicine
cannot cure. But most of these dis
eases result from weakened inside
nerves; those nerves which alone
make every vital organ do its duty.
I have spent a lifetime in learning
how to strengthen them; my Restora
tive always does that. I have fur
nished it to 555,000 people on terms
like the above, and 39 out, of each 40
have paid for it paid because they
were cured.
There are 39 chances in 40 that I
can cure you or your friend. I will
pay all the cost, if I don't. Won't you
tell this . to sojne sick person' who
wants to be well?.,
Simply state which
book you want, and
Address Dr. Slioop,
Box 515, Rucino, Wis.
MIMcuci Eot'cbronlc.wcncncurcatjoncortwnJMdts. M U dnijstiti.
the yesterday's pleasure that is re
sponsible for today.'s headache.'
If heaven were as small as some, men
imagine it to he the walls would be so
close together the sunlight couldn.'t
get in between.
Thoughts of summer are .always
pleasant in winter. We always feel
we would be better -satisfied iff -we
had something we have not.
Will M.'Maupin.
TOOK NO. 1 OV DY8PKPSU.
BOOK NO. 2 ON TUB HEART.
HOOK NO. 3 ON' THti'KinKhYS.
HOOK NO. 4 FOREWOMEN.
HOOK M).GrORMKN. (v.M.)
UC0KAO.GON RHEUMATISM.
Philippine Independence.
Evidence is daily increasing that tlw
public mind is getting round to a sane
attitude on the Philippine question.
The number who believe that taking
the Philippines was a blunder, and
that the attempt to force American in
stitution upon the Filipinos will' be
further bungling, ' are rapidly increas
ing. Even President ScuiirnW of
Cornell is getting in line on this lsub:
ject. In a 'recent address before the
Reform club in Boston, he said:
"The Filipinos are to develop alon?
their own racial lines, not along ours,
and it is colossal conceit and impud
ence to disparage them because they
nfdif?er,ent from ourselves. Any le
cent kind of government of the Fili
pinos by the Filipinos is better than
tne possible government of the Fili
pinos by Americans."
w5at .?ou2cls the true note in the
whole situation. For the United State 4
io pretend to impose our form of gov-
wPnient ,type of socIety uPn Mo
Filipinos is indeed "colossal conceit,"
and the poorest kind of statesmanship,
n win not be long before the Ameri
?h?PieS?le.wlU bG heartily sick of
thSf AllpJ5!S.prlae' and win inaist
rnSf i ei pInos ni only be per
Sivn JlUt b urently invited to
govern themselves. Gunton's Maga-
"
Mm. Wlnslow's Soothing Kvi.n
umFStuSS&Z ,8J,XTY yeaks by icu.
TETIUNQ Ji Kf0r t,,0ir CHTLDIIKN WHJfcH
tllO Pirn ' 2T' PKnr,BCT BUCCEBS. It SOOTI1ES
CURV?ND S" Ul? ?U". AM,AlB'nll PAIN,
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