11
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The Commoner.
1 Whether Common or Not. I
UNCLE SAM AT COURT.
The heir of the late Ahkoond of Swat
Alas, that the late Ahkoond is not
Is about to be crowned
With a volume of sound
That once hearing is never forgot,
Forgot
That once hearing is never forgot.
Let the timbrel be tuned
For the heir of Ahkoond
Is about to be crowned that's what!
That's what!
Is about to be crowned, that's what.
We've got to be there with Swat's Ah
koond, For Swatdom's feelings we must not
wound.
Do nothing by halves,
So pad out your calves
Your expenses will never be pruned
Be pruned!
Your expenses will never be pruned.
At the crowning of Ed
We made the right spread,
So key up your voices well tuned,
Well tuned!
So key up your voices well tuned!
And whom shall we send to Swat, I
pray?
Crowninshield, Egan, Chadwick, Mac
lay. : What an elegant bunch
To send out to lunch
r- wiui me AnKoona ot awm umne uuu
gay!
Well, Hay!
With the Ahkoond of Swat blithe- and
gay
it all
view
dejpjends up-on .the- point df
.
m
..r.
' i
So up with the anchor
And set jib and spanker,
And off for far Swatdom away!
Away!
And off for far Swatdom away!
When they crown the Ala-Bo-Jum of
Snoo
Of flunkies and dancers we'll send a
few.
With gilt braid and feathers
And bright patent leathers , f
" We will furnish an elegant crew
That's true!
We will fuVnish an elegant crew.
We'll all wear our knickers
Although the world snickers
''When our Uncle Sam heaves into view,
Boo hoo!
When our Uncle Sam heaves into view.
LESSON II. ALL IS NOT GOLD
THAT GLIT-TERS, AND MEN
ARE NOT AL-WAYS WHAT
THEY SEEM:
See the man. Is he not a no-ble
look-ing man. He wears good cloth
ing and he car-ries a di-plo-ma from a
great school. Sure-ly he is a good
man.
My child, be-waro of wolves in
sheep's cloth-ing. This man is not
what he seems.
Is he not a good man?
Nay, he is a sav-age.
How can -you tell?
That is an easy task, child. He is
a sav-age, a bar-ba-rian and a mur-der-er
be-cause he has the te-mer-i-ty
to de-mand that he be al-lowed to have
a voice in his own gov-ern-ment.
But is that not right?
Nay, child, He has no right to gov-
era nim-seir as long as we want to
gov-ern him and can make, a pro-fit
out of the job. Learn-ing is a good
thing, but we must draw the line at
ed-u-cat-ing a man in-to be-liev-ing
that his rights must be re-spect-ed at
a loss to our-selves.
LESSON
!" I-III.-
BEAU-TI-FUL
PRIMER LESSONS IN IMPERIALISM.
WESSON - I. HOW BE-GINTNERS
- MAY LEARN TO DIS-TING-UISH
BE-TWEEN OUR FRIENDS AND
OUR FOES:
O, see the sav-age man.
Is the man a sav-age?
Sure-ly he is. See, does he not car
ry a bow and spears? Does he not ap
pear in a state of nud-i-ty with feath
ers in his hair?
Yes, dear; but are you sure that this
mode of dress pro-claims the sav-age?
1 To be sure.
,. My dear, let this teach you the dan
ger of jump-ing at con-clu-sions. ' This'
man is not a sav-age. Note that he is
con-fer-ing with a great gen-e-ral who
wears our un-i-form. The man you
call a sav-age is loy-al to our cause,
therefore he is a great and good pa-tri-ot,
al-though 'he may oc-cas-sion-al-ly
hunt heads and in oth-er ways
act like .a prim-i-tiye child of the for
te -est. Let this teachyou, my dear, that
What makes you think so?"
Mr. Strongmyndo (reaching for his
Jiat) "Because I've been roasted so
much already that I am doubtless fireproof."
drcat Recommendation.
"What is the strongest point about
your make of automobiles?"
"We guarantee that the annual bill
for repairs will not exceed the original
cost of the machine."
Enfoulder.
A charming young maiden of Bouldor
Remarked, "It seems to be coulder."
Then her sweetheart gay J
Proceeded straightway
'Gainst his warm, loving heart to en-
fould her.
you
What He Said,
say you wanted to die
THE
TASK OF CIV-IL-IZ-ING A
HEATH-EN PEO-PLE WHO CAN
NOT HELP IT:
See the ship. Is it not a large ship?
Yes, child, it must be a large ship to
car-ry what will be put on board.
Who are the men who are wear-ing
the same kind of clothes?
; Those are sol-diers, my child.
What do they car-ry?
, Guns.
What is in all of those bar-rels and
box-es?
Civ-il-iz-ed ar-ti-cles for the heath
en . peo-ples, my child. The bar-rels
con-tain al-co-hol, whis-ky, Jer-sey
light-ning and ap-ple-jack. The tox-es
con-tain nut-megs of wood, flour made
of ful-ler's earth, boots and shoes made
of pamper, curpd cab-bage" leaves to
man-u-fac-ture .in-to ci-gars, wool-en
goods made of cot-ton, o-pi-um and,
mor-phiie. Those pret-ty box-es con
tain Bi-bles in which the gold-en rule
is print-ed in cap-i-tal let-ters.
But why do the sol-diers ac-com-pan-y
the ship?
Bles3 your in-no-cent heart, my dear.
T,hey go be-cause the heath-en peo-pje,
do not know what Ms good for them,
and it may be nec-es-sar-y to use ar-gu-ment
up-on them.
Immune.
Mrs. Strongmynde "I .have been
reading about cremation, my dear, and
I have .decided that we will' be cre
mated." .,:' ' -. " r
Mr.- Strongmynde "I'm afraid it
would prove a failure -in my cage, my
dear." . ,:,.. ,-,-,,
Mrs. Strongmynde "Nonsense!
".Did
poor?"
"No. What I said was that I wanted
to leave my affairs in such condition
that the heirs could not fight over my
estate?"
Unci minted.
"What" exclaimed the haughty
manager of the merged railroads, "you
say that you will appeal to the courts
to prevent the further gobbling lip of
railroads?"
"That seems to be our only re
course," replied the spokesman of the
people's committee.
"Then I will let you into a business
secret," thundered the haughty man
ager. ii "I have'dbout formed a merger'
of the courts.''
So saying he began again his inter
rupted task of signing judicial passes
over the merged lines. '
KIDNEY AND BLADDER
TROUBLES PROMPTLY CURED.
A Samplt Bottle Sent FREE by Mail.
Edible.
The Grand Pandobk of Swigum idly
brushed a fly from his royal nose an-3
motioned for his grand vizer to draw
nigh.
"Viz, old boy," murmured the Grand
Pandook, "tomorrow is the day I am
to be crowned, ain't it?"
Prostrating himself upon the ground
and thumping his caput seven-come-'leven
times upon the earth, the grand
vizer replied:
"It is, my lord. Tomorrow Is the
great day whenhe luminary of the
seas, the celestial orb of the wide
spreading universe, the "
"0, cut it out, Viz, old hoss. What
I want to know is, has the ship bear
ing the blokes who are to represent the
great republic across the seas at my
soiree tomorrow arrived yet?"
"It has, most royal ruler of the wide
spreadj "
"Stop it, Viz; stop it. Have
seen the representatives yet?"
'I Have, O master of the" '
"Cut it out! Cut it out, Viz.
they nice and fat?"
. "Beautiful, 0 ' supervisor of
celestial ways wherein'"
" 'Nuff said, Viz. If they ara lit for
ii 1 1 i i
GREAT CATTLE COUNTRY.
Holt county, Nebraska, produces
more hay than any other county in
the United States. Hay, farm and
grazing lands are still cheap. Excur
sions first and third Tuesday in each
month,, 5 For information .-write J. A.
Dfjnohoe, 'O'Neill, Nebraska.' -
you
Are
the
Dr. Kilmer's Swamp-Root, the great
kidney remedy, fulfills every wish" in
promptly curing kidney, bladder 'and
uric acid troubles, rheumatism and
pain In the back. It corrects inability
to hold water and scalding pain in
passing it, or bad effects following uso
of liquor, wine or beer, and overcornes
that unpleasant necessity of being
compelled to go often during the day
and to get up many times during' tho
night. Tho mild and tho extraordi
nary offect of Swamp-Root is soon
realized: It stands the highest for
its wonderful cures of tho most dis
tressing cases.
Swamp-Root is not recommended for
everything, but if you have kidney,
liver, bladder or uric acid trouble you
will find It just tho remedy you need.
If you need a medicine you should
have the best. Sold by druggists" In
fifty-cent and one-dollar sizes. You
may have a sample bottle of this great
kidney remedy, Swamp-Root, and. a
book that tells all about it and'jts
great cures, both sent absolutely free
by mall. Address Dr. Kilmer & Co.,
Blnghamton, N. Y. When writing,
mention that you read this generous
offer in The Commoner.
the piece de resistong at my royal
spread tomorrow you may have 'em
parboiled tonight and tomorrow morn
ing the chef will stuff 'em and roast
'em for the feast." t
So saying the Grand Pandookof
Swigum winked slyly at his attend
ants and wipod his mouth in anticipa
tion of the feast. -. .
Drain Leaks.
M-
0
5.
Today wins while Tomorrow is slum
bering. Ambition is a,U right if it is the right
kind of ambition. ''
A fancy sofa pillow is no sign of a
good breadmaker. ,
A true friend is one who will not
contradict your flsh stories.
Trying to be a good fellow has sent
many a man to a bad ending.
ome men call duty in a whisper
and pleasure with a megaphone.
It is unsafe to measure a man's
goodness by the wag of his dog's tail.
No man wins success today by
spending his time complaining about
yesterday.
The best prayer ever "uttered con
tained but seven words. And it was
answered.
The acme of folly Is putting your
trust in a man who has to be sub
sidized Into being good.
Foolish men spend so much time dis
cussing hell that they fail to prepare
themselves f orthe. other place.
Trying to enjoy life without doing
something useful is like trying to
thread a cambric needle with a rope.
There is a vast difference between
mixing your politics into your relig
ion and taking your religion into your
politics.
The time some men waste In framing
excuses for not doing something would
sufflce for the accomplishment of a
great work. '
Demetrius, the silversmith, was- a
charter member of the tribe of protec
tionists and the first man to attempt
to organize a trust."
Many a soiled wrapper wife com
plains because she does not receiye
dainty dress sweetheart attention, and
many a liver providing husband kicks
because he does not receive his choc
olate giving sweetheart caresses.
Will M. Maupiii.-
TO CURE A COLD IK ONB DAY
Take Laxative Brorno Quinine Tablets. All
trfrnrffists rotund tbe mosey if it fails to cure,
E: w. Grove's signature is on each box, 23c.
S
mejskb
