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The Commoner.
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The Home Department.
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Jest 'Fore Christmas.
Father calls mo William, sister calls
mo Will,
Mother calls me Willie, but the fellers
call mo Bill!
Mighty glad I ain't a girl ruther be a
boy,
Without them sashes, curls and things
that's worn by Pauntleroy!
Love to chawnk green apples an' go
swimmin' in the lake
Hate to take the castor-ile they- give
for belly-ache!
'Most all the time the whole year
round, there ain't no flies on me,
But jest 'fore Christmas I'm as good
as I kin be.
Got a yaller dog named Sport,- sick
him on tho cat;
First thing she knows she doesn't
know where sho is at!
Got a clipper sled, an' when us kids
goes out to slide,
'Long comes tho grocery cart, an' we
all hook a ride!
But sometimes when the grocery man
is worrited an' cross,
He reaches at us with a whip and lar
rups up his boss,
An' then we laugh an' holler, "Oh, ye
never teched me!"
But jest 'fore Christmas I'm as good
as I kin be!
Gran'ma says she hopes that when I
git to be a man,
I'll be a missionarer like her oldest
brother, Dan,
As was et up by cannibuls that live in
Ceylon's Isle, ''.-
Where every prospeck pleases an'
only man is vile!
But gran'ma she has never been to
see a Wild West show,
Nor read the life of Daniel Boone, or
else I guess she'd know
That Buff'lo Bill an' cowboys is good
enough for me!
Excep' jest 'fore ChriBtmas, when I'm
good as I kin be!
word wo have chosen rhymes with so
and so." Then the players begin to
think of words which rhyme with the
given word, and proceed to act them
out in dumb show to those in the room,
who must guess what is being acted
and say, "It is not ," until the
right word is represented, when they
applaud and become actors- in their
turn. Unexpected talents are devel
oped in this game, which needs wide
awake players.
And then old Sport 'he hangs around,
so solemn-like an' still,
His eyes they seem a-sayin': "What's
the matter, little Bill?"
The old cat sneaks down off her pearch
an' wonders what's become
or them two enemies of hern, that
used to make things hum!
But I am so polito an' 'tend so earnest
ly to biz,
That mother says to father: "How im
proved our Willie is."
But father, havin' been a boy hisself,
suspicions me
When, jest 'fore Christmas, I'm as
good as I kin be.
For Christmas' with-its lots an' lots of
candies, cakes and toys,
Was made, they say, for proper kids,
an' not for naughty boys;
So wash your face an' brush your
hair, an' mind yer p's an' q's,
An' don't bust out yer pantaloons, an'
don't wear oiit yer shoes;
to tho ladles, an' "yes-
sur" to the men,
An' when there's company don't pass
yer plate for pie agaiil;
Biit, thinkin' of the things yer'd like
to see . upon that tree,
Jest 'fore Christmas be as good as
yer kin be!
feugene Field.
Advice as to Roasting: a Turkey.
"Ninety-nine women out of every
one hundred, ninety-nine cooks, out
of every one hundred, will bake a tur
key with the back to the pan," said a
New Orleans man who keeps in touch
with the kitchen, "and this is a mis
take. I said ninety-nine out of ev
ery ono hundred. Rather should I
have said that the mistake is almdst
universally made. But few cooks ever
think of cooking the turkey any other
way. There seems to be a demand for
well browned turkey breast. But in
browning the breast they sacriiice the
sweetness of this part of the fowl. The
best way to prepare a turkey is to
bake it with the breast down. I
learned this lesson from Mme. Begue,
whose place down in the Old Quarter,
near'fhe French market, has become
famed all over the country. She never
thinks of baking a turkey with the
breast up.' The breast is turned to the
bottom of the pan, and instead of be
ing dry and tasteless when it is served,
is richly flavored and as sweet and
juicy as one would care to have it.
You see, all the line flavoring of the
turkey, the juices of the dressing and
all the daintier touches flow down to
ward the breast of the, fowl, and when
the white meat is served you get the
full benefit of every flavor added dur
ing the processes of preparing and
baking the turkey, in addition to the
distinctive taste of the fowl itself.
-"Inconvenient and awkward? Not
at all. It is just as easy to cook a tur
key in this way as in any other way,
and the result is infinitely more satis
factory. It is no trouble to arrange
the fowl in the pan; if you desire to
place the fowl on the table before
carving it you will find that it will
look quite as well as it would if baked
in the usual way, and certainly it will
taste much better than it would if you
baked the breast until it was dry and
flavorless." .
through his pockets.
"That's a very stale joke," retorted
the Little Woman. "Besides, that is
often tho only way a wife can get
what she has rightfully earned. If
you"
But the husband begged pardon and
asked the Little Woman to resume her
thread of her remarks.
"As I was saying," she continued,
"a man wouldn't be satisfied without
a lot of useless and often injurious
articles loading down his pockets.
Now there's your lower vest pocket in
the right side" and the Little Woman
thrust her fingers into the pocket men
tioned "is a broken toothpick, six
matches, a button, a piece of string, a
teaspoonful of dirt and three newspa
per clippings. In the opposite pock
et" And the Little Woman emptied that
pocket as she had the first.
"In this pocket you have a badly
soiled postage stamp, more matches, a
couple of toothpicks, five newspaper
clippings, a piece of lead pencil, two
pennies with holes in them, more dirt
and a small nail."
"I expect to use that nail in place
of a button," meekly replied the hud
band. "That's another stale joke," retorted
the Little Woman. "In the upper vest
pocket you have a comb, three lead
pencils, a fountain pen, a tooth-brush
which you never use, a small account
book without a figure in it, and a
badly broken cigar.
"In your right hand trouser pocket
you have a knife, fourteen keys of
which thirteen are never used a piece
of tobacco and three metal checks. In
the left hand pocket you have a lea'th
er purse with two old coins worth
less and a newspaper clipping in it.
In one hip pocket you have a huge
wallet stuffed with papers whose only
value is to make the wallet look im
portant. In the other hip pocket yoit
have an old newspaper and three old
letters.
"In your inside coat pocket you have
seventeen old letters, two postal cards,
a card advertising a new brand of
cigars and a railroad time table. In
this outside coat pocket you have a
handkerchief terribly dirty a car
penter's rule, some peanut shells and
three nails. In this other coat pocket
you have a little bunch of twine, an
other newspaper, three business cards
and some more peanut hulls.
"Now, a woman may love to have an
unnatural lump somewhere about her
person, but she isn't foolish enough to
wear a dozen pockets and All them
up with cigars, strings, useless keys,
ragged letters, and questionable things
that threaten microbes and bacilli."
Mrs. Wiaalew' Keatlilar Byrmp.
Has been used for over sixtt ikasb by urtn
lions of MOTHKK8 for iheir childex whilh
TBKTIirNO, With PEBFKOT SUCCESS. It BOOTIIKS
the CHILD, BOFTKNS the DUMB, ALL AT B all FAIN,
cuwsa wind colic, and is the best remedy for
diakkhce A. Sold by Druggists in erory part of
the world. Be sure and ask for "Mrs. winslow's
Soothing Syrup," andtalcenoothor kind. Twenty-five
cents a bottle. It is the best of all .
it will heat slowly, until the curd sep
arates from the whey. Be careful not
to let it scald too much, qv the curd
will be tough. When it is scalded suf
ficiently pour it into a cheesecloth bag,
and let the whey drain off. When tho
curd is quite dry .put it into a bowl,
season with salt, butter and sweet
cream, and mix well. Set it in a cold
place until ready to serve, then break
up lightly with a fork. Louisville
Homo and Farm.
Conundrums.. ,
What is the difference between tho
manager of a theater and a sailor?
A sailor likes to see a light-house and
the manager doesn't.
Why is it that when a church is
burned, nothing is so difficult to save
as the organ? Because the fire engine
cannot play upon it.
What did Jack Frost say to the lily?
Wilt thou and she wilted.
Why was Noah the best broker of
ancient times? He could float more
stock than any other man.
What is the difference between a
hill and a pill? One is hard to get up
and the other is hard to get down.
Why do lovers linger long at tho
garden gate? Because so much can
bo said on both sides.
When are two heads better than
one? When they are in a barrel.
When Is a farmer like a dentist?
When he is pulling out stumps.
Why should the highest apple on a
tree be the best one? Because it's .a
tip top apple. ' '
What is tho most afflicted part of a
house? The window .because 'it" ia
always full of panes.
Why is milk like a treadmill? Be
cause it strengthens the calves. -
What is the most fashionable article
in the world? O woman.
Why is a nice, but uncultured girl
like brown sugar? Because she is
sweet but unrefined.
What are the most popular airs in
the land? Millionaires.
Why is baseball likely to become
epidemic? Because the game is catcb
ing.
What is the best size for a man?
Exercise. '
CSnir "irnnoiim"
au; jfizaawin
Indoor Gamos, No, 3,
"Dumb Crambo" was very popular
with young and old, offering scope for
original acting. The players divide in
to two sides, One group leaves the
h'ooin, the other selects a word of rea
sonable difficulty which can be acted
In pantomime, and announces, "The
Tho Retort Courteous.
A woman wouldn't be satisfied
without having an unnatural hump
on her somewhere. ior a time
the bustle sufficed, then the big
sleeves with an unnatural hump
at tho shoulders. This didn't last
long, and the puff moved from the
shoulder to the cuff. Just now the
style is to wear a shirt waist that
looks like about a peck of apples
had been dumped into it in front.
Journal of Industry.
"That is all very well," 'remarked
the Little Woman after her husband
had read the above to her, "but how
about the men?"
"What about them?" queried ths
husband.
"What about them?" repeated the
Little Woman. "A man wouldn't be
satisfied without having a lot of use
less articles loading down his numer
ous pockets. Let's go through yours
now, and see."
Tho husband muttered something to
tho effect that she was always goirig
"Yes, but a woman " began the
husband
"Yes," interrupted the Little Wom
an, "if it wasn't for a woman you'd be
in a pretty fix, and "
"But "began the husband.
"Nonsense!" said the Little Woman.
"Supper is ready."
A Helping: Hand.
When William clears the table,
And carries out each plate,
And piles the cups and saucers,
He says his name is Kate!
And when he dons his overcoat
And mitts and leggins trim,
And sallies forth to carry wood,
YThy, then his name is Jim!
But when 1iq dresses in his best,
With collar stiff and white,
To promenade upon the street,
He's William Horace Dwight!
And would you lend a helping hand
And be three boys in one? -You'll
find that work and play unite
To make the best of fun!
Little Men and Women,
TO CUBJC A COLD IN ONE DAY
Take Laxative Bromo Quinine Tablets. All
druggists refund the mosey if it fails to cure.
H. VYi Grove's signature is on each box, 25c.
Dutch Cheese.
Put some thick, sour milk in a pan
on the range or over hot water, whore
SHOOTS AGAIN
Although Coffco Took His Eyesight For
Awhile
A Colorado camp cook had to quit
his job because he could not make cof
xio without drinking it himself, and it
was killing him. He says he used to
take a cup of coffee before he got his
breakfast for the men, for he felt the
need of keeping up his strength and
his stomach troubled him so much.
"Finally," he says, "I got so bad I
was taken .o the hospital. The doctor
told me it was a clear case of coffee
poison and if I did not quit I .would
never get well. I had to quit in the hos
.pital and gradually got a little better,
then I took to drinking Postum Food
Coffee and took it out with me to a,
job in the woods.
I have been using Postum steadily
for abcut eighteen months and have
entirely recovered from dyspepsia, and
all my old aches and ails. My ,e.yes
are so well now that I can see the gun
sights as good as anybody, but two
years ago I never could hunt because
of my eyes. I know it is the quitting
of coffee and using Postum that haa
benefited me. Nobody could have dys
pepsia any worse than I had. All my
neighbors thought I was going to
die, but I am all right now. I have to
send thirty-five miles to the city of
Trinidad for my Postum, but it is
worth while." Wm. Green, Burwing,
Colorado,
