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Whether Common or Not. I
John Bull's Lament.
Wow! W'ot's them bloomln', blawatod Boers h'intondln' to do now?
Why cawn't they act like decent folk and stop this bloody row?
They've chased me over kop h'and veldt h'and filled me full of lead;
From Modder clean to Spion Kop they've piled my countless dead.
We've shot 'em h'and we've starved 'em, we've burned their 'ouses, too,
But still they 'ammer h'at my flanks h'and beat us black h'and blue.
They grab h'our grub, h'our 'osses, too; our wagon trains cut h'out,
H'and every van guard we deploy they put to h'utter rout
When Buller went 'e set to work with zeal that was intense,
But, blawst their h'eyes, them bloomln' Boers made 'im look like tuppence.
Then 'B'obs" 'e went h'and swore h'an oath the Boers would 'ave to "trek,
But Botha and Dewet just laughed h'and landed on 'is neck.
We've starved their wimmon h'and their kids h'and h'exiled 'o'sts of men;
But, dash their bally, scrappin' blood, they h'up h'and fights again.
We're ten to one h'and ought to win, but still they ride h'and fight,
H'and taxes keep a-pilin' h'up till they are out of sight.
H'i thought H'i'd get their precious mines h'and grab their fertile plaina,
But h'all H'i've got to date to show for all my blawsted pains
H'is twice a 'undred thousand men a pilin' h'up my debt
" H'uhtil H'l'm bankrupt, gone stone broke h'and 'aven't licked 'em yet.
Wow! Blawst their k'oyes, H'i only wish H'i'd tackled other Jobs,
'Cause this H'i got is much too big for Buller, French h'and "Bobs."
H'i've got to drawft another batch of fightin' men, H'i guess,
H'and raise ten million pun's or more I know it won't be less.
Song of the derm. , '
I am the influenza germ-,'
'Fluenza germ,
'Enza germ.
I am the influenza germ
All ready now for business.
I make you freeze and roast by turn
' Roast, freeze by turn, "' ' ,u
'And sneeze -by turn, - " ' "
"l And stagger 'round from: dizziness.
Easier.
Willie Wiseguy "Papa, take me to
the Zoo this afternoon, f'r teacher
wants us to study 'bout the beasts of
proy."
Papa Wiseguy "No, Til take you
down Wall street this afternoon, Wil
lie. Ivo got to settle up on my last
deal. The Zoo is not in it with Wall
street for man eaters."
Doing: His Best.
'Tou should do something to im
prove your circulation," said the doc
tor, counting the pulse of the sick man.
"Great Scott, doctor!" exclaimed the
editor of the Podunk Gazette; "I'm
already printing the best paper in the
county for a dollar a year and throw
ing in a $1.50 book with every paid-in-advance
subscription."
Compromised.
Miss Daysyo Dreems "I mean to
marry my ideal. A tall, commanding,
noble, gentle, courtly, knightly and'
Peter. Scroggs "I may not measure
up to your ideal, Miss Dreems, but- I've
got two hundred thousand plunks in
,the bank and the prettiest residence
on the north side."
'Miss Daysye Dreems "0, Mr.
Scroggs! This is so sudden."
Echo of the Inquiry.
B'inks "Hello, Square! Where are
you going?"
- Lieutenant Square "Just been or
dered to Bomabalabongbong to take
charge of a gunboat."
Binks "That's strange. You are
ahead ot Lieutenant Puff in the line
of good assignments, yet he just told
me he had been assigned to lead the
germans at Washington this winter."
Lieutenant Square "Nothing strange
about it. I testified for and Mr. Puff
testified against."
Our Beautiful Language.
There was a fair maid in Moline
Who posed as society's quino
Till her father went broke
With quiver and croke
Since when she hasn't been sine.
She Read the Papers.
The story may, or may not, be true,
but they are telling it on Senator'Tlll
man. The senator had business In Omaha
a few weeks ago, and upon alighting
rrom the train at the Union station
hurried to the street car. The eleva--tor
was not in sight and the senator
started up the stairway. As he
turned the first .corner of the stair
way he saw a woman struggling up the
Steps with a heavy valise. Instantly
the senator's southern gallantry was
aroused and he stepped to the woman's
side.
"Pardon me, madam; but may I
not assist you with your valise?"
"The woman looked at the senator's
outstretched hand and smiling face
and then hurriedly chance & inn
to the other hand with the remark:
"No, you can't I've hekrd about
you fellows. We take the "papers at
our house;"
Brain Leaks.
All the world loves a lover, and
laughs at him.
Any fool can swear, and most fools
do.
Matrimonial happiness does not need
to go on dress parade.
There's nothing in the .good time
that leaves a headache and a bad taste.
In these utilitarian days Cupid
shoots golden bullets from a repeating
rifle.
The social problem may be solved
by one rule.
Solomon advised the sluggard to go
to the ant, but most of them visit the
uncle.
It's a mighty mean man who is not
delighted when annoyed by his baby.
You may sow wild oats with a pat
ent seeder, but you'll have to reap
With a dull sickle.
If some men were as big as they
feel there would be. a shortage in the
wool market.
The victim of under consumption
never talks about over production.
Some men save up for a rainy day
and then purchase a leaky umbrella.
S
Dinner Menu.
Friday, November 29.
Turkey Croquettes Turkey Hash
Dessicated Turkey
. Potato Patties Turkey Gravy
Cranberry Sauce
Baked Turkey Hash
a la Warmover
Turkey Sandwiches
Cold Turkey Cold Dressing
Turkey Giblets
Coffee Milk Water
Pumpkin Pie
Pepsin Wilted Celery
Indigestion
,
, Will M. Maupln.
Are the Colonels Scared.
Louisville, Sept. 27; The distillers
of Kentucky met at the Louisville
hotel today and agreed to limit the
whisky output of the next fiscal year
to 27,000,000 gallons. Press Dispateh.
Twenty-seven million gallons! It's an
Insult to the corn;
It's an insult to the fragrance of the
flower-scented morn,
When the zephyr takes the dreams
that made us happy through
the night,
And instills them in the kernel in the
rosy morning light;
While the kernel holds the gladness
till it passes through the still,
Then the proud Kentucky colonel of
the essence gets his fill,
Twenty-seven million gallons! What
a paltry drop it is,
It's enough to make the seltzer in de
spair refuse to fizz.
Twenty-seven million gallons? Only
that, and nothing more?
Now prepare to hear an awful and im
pressive sort of roar,
For the morning nips and bracers and
the nightcaps they will make
Will be drunk in old .Kentucky and
no other thirst will slake.
Twenty-seven million gallons! This
is Carrie Nation's work.
She has bluffed good old Kentucky
with her "hatchetizing" jerk;
She has scared the doughty colonels
on their own, their native heath.
Twenty-seven million gallons? Why,
it wouldn't wet your teeth!
Oh, they're longing in Kentucky for
- the day so bright and blest
When the nations cease from troubling
and the thirsty are at rest.
Baltimore Sun.
Creelman' s New Book.
Among the books Issued recently by
the Lothrop Publishing Co. of Boston,
one entitled "On the Great Highway,"
by James Creelman, the famous news
paper correspondent, will be read with
great interest, In this book Mr. Creel
man, .as ho says in the preface, intends
"to give the public some Idea of the
processes of modern journalism which
are gradually assimilating the human
race."
The author's newspaper work has
carried him to all parts of the globe
and his ability as a vigorous, terse!
lucid writer has enabled him to lay
before the reading public a vast
amount of valuable information.
The book, contains the following
chapters;
I. The White Shepherd of Rome.
II. The Storming of Ping Yang.
III. Interview with the King of
Corea.
IV. A Hide with the Japanese In
vaders in Manchuria.
V. Battle, and Massacre of Port
Arthur.
"VI. The Avatar .of Count Tolstoi.
VI. Tolstoi and his People. "
VIII. "The Butcher.
IX. Familiar Glimpses of Yellow
Journalism.
X. Battle of El Caney. . ,
XI. Heroes of Peace and War.
XII. A Talk with Kossuth.
XIII. The Czar on his Knees.
XIV. Greeks on the Verge of War.
XV. Sitting Bull.
XVI. On the Firing Line in the
Philippines.
XVII. A race with a Woman for tho
Cable.
XVIII. In the Black Republic.
XIV. Newseatherinc in tho nioiwls.
, XX. McKinley,. the Forgiving. .
Special attention is called to this
book because the readers of The Com
moner will remember the work done
by Mr. Creelman in the campaigns of
1896 and 1900, and those who followed
his reports then have a recollection of
his style that will lead' them to desire
a copy of the book.
Sermons From the Tripod. .
(By A. M. Brownloo.)
The boblc contains fifty - of Mr.
Brownleo's best sermons which
abound in wit, humor and pathos.
Their moral tone is elevating, and
the author never wavers fronv what
is right and good. "Sermons from the
Tripod" contains 350 pages, is cloth
bound, and illustrated. Price, $1.25,
including postage. Order book of
Brownlee & Cantrell, 27 East St., Ben
ton, 111. ,
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LIMNINGS
The same being a Book in
which appears Divers and
Sundry Verses and Sketches
from the Trenchant Type
writer of the Architect of
Whether Common or Not
It is not a collection of "literary
goms," but a collection of sketches
and poems written in tho hurry and
worry of nowapaper work. But you
will enjoy them. Tho stories aro of
human intorest and tho vorses about
homely things and affairs, A neat
book of 180 pages, woll prlntod, cloth
bound, with fao simile of tho author
and his cob pipe and writing ma
chiae on tho covor. Tho book will
bo sent postpaid on receipt of 75c in
postage stamps, money orders, bank
drafts, silver or certified checks.
A 'GOOD CHRISTMAS PRESENT
The author cheerfully ndmits that
hundreds of bettor books have been
publishod, but insists that no othor
author wants to sell hk workB nny
mora than he does. He wants lo en- -joy
Christmas himsolf.
Address,
WILL fl. MAUPIN,
1210 South ICth St.,
Lincoln, Neb.
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