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Whether Gornmon or Not.
The Joiner.
He was what folks called a "j'iner,'for he was a
charter signer
-i 6f each and every order in his town.
'iWhen a new one would be started for a member
si j ship he bartered,
And his name would always be the first one
down.
He would march with glee and bustle; over rituals
he would tussle;
He had uniforms until he couldn't rest.
h He was Worthy Grand Head Master of the Sons of
Benzoraster, , .
And for other offices he made a quest.
:.v r
..He was "Worthy Secretary of the Free Sons of
El Kary;
Of the Modern Choppers he was Royal Ax.
'And he proudly held the station of Supreme Ex
treme Gyration 1
Of the Free and Ancient Order of Kerwhacks.
Monday night the Sons of Hoping, Tuesday night
the Never Moping;
ti And on Wednesday he ..ald 'tend the Chiefs of
Cheer.
Thursday night' the Weary Workers, Friday night
the Tired Shirkers,
And on Saturday the Helpers Far and Near.
Morn and night of things fraternal he would talk
with zeal eternal,
And he spent his wage for gaudy trappings new.
'And it needed no persuasion on each possible oc
casion To get him to march before the public view.
iWhen he died each mourning order put crepe
- - 'round its charter's border '
And his policies were paid with proud delight.
sThen his widow said 'midst weeping, "Now Mtnow
Ji4 t just what is keeping.
. - My beloved, darling husband out at night." '
The Rural Drama.
.The aspiring playwright rushed into the pres7
" ence of the manger and exclaimed exultingly: '
"At last!"
, ;. "'At last' what?" growled the- manager.
"At last I have completed the greatest rural
drama ever offered to the public. It's title is 'Back
- Yonder East.' I have trained seven cows, nine
Bheept three dogs, thirty-eight chickens, twenty-
. seven ducks, bought an old-time mower, a real
threshing machine, a corn sheller, got four horses,
a lot of trained birds to sit and sing in the
branches of a real tree, a real well from which to
'draw real water with a real pump, and apple and
cherry trees in full blossom. I am now ready to
go out and make millions as soon as I can find a
f manager."
"Well, what people-have you got to play this
drama?"
"People? People? What do we want with
actors in a rural drama? Ain't the live stock and
4 "accessories enough? I thought you were a thea
trical manager."
.-,'
" , : Spring.
Glad Spring is with us once again;
; ' No more the greedy furnace
With yawning maw and appetite
For four months will concern us.
But ere we've time to think this nice
- . We must begin to purchase ice.
1 : Before and Alter.
W' Before the election he insisted that politics had
nothing to do with the contest, and his anger was
aroused at the thought of an .outsider interfering.
-T A count of the ballots .showed his side to be
victorious. i J n
' "Whoop-ee! We've sldnnW'em! The whole
M
The Commoner,
country has had its eyes on this contest, and it will
have an important bearing on the national cam
paign. We're the people! "Wnoop-ee!"
"But I thought this was only a local campaign,
with nothing about it of national interest," pro
tested the stranger.
"Ah, go on! You're too simple to be a poli
tician. What you need is a kindergarten course in
practical politics. That's the Way we won out."
Invaluable Assistance.
"What service can' you render us?" asked the
manager of the great trust, looking with scorn
upon the humble applicant for work.
"Sir, I can guarantee to find water any time
with my patent divining rod."
Witli a glad cry the trust manager fell upon
the applicant's neck and wept enough tears to
water the stock of any ordinary enterprise.
36
Financial Item.
.'In the spring the young man's fancy
Lightly turns to thoughts of love;
And he wonders how he'll purchase
ice cream for his lady love. .
Then he rises from his slumbers , ,
. At the early peep of dawn,
And proceeds to put Jiis winter
Ulster into summer's pawn.
6
Psychology.
At 11:39 p. m. the clock stopped.
"Why, the clock has stopped?'., exclaimed -.Mr.
Sta;icightte. "I wonder what caused it to d,o,that."
Concealing a yawn behind her hand, Miss
Keane murmured:
"I suppose it was the influence' of mind over
matter. The clock is setting a bad example. I
must start it going."
'' While' Miss ICeane was tripping' toward the
clock Mr. Staleightte was looking for his1 hat.
-j,.
Borrowed Fun. ?
Atm
A- Slight Misprint.
"Well, that's enough to try the" patience of
Job," exclaimed the village minister, as he threw
aside the local paper.
"Why, what's. the matter, dear?" asked his
wife.
"Last Sunday I preached from the text, 'Be ye
therefore steadfast,' " answered the good man, "but
the printer makes it read, 'Be ye there for break
fast' "Glasgow Times.
Smart Woman.
"Mrs. Blithe seems to be very popular with the
gontlemen. They all seem anxious to have a word
with her. Is she a brilliant conversationalist?"
"No, she is not a brilliant conversationalist,
but she makes every man think he is." Leslie's
Weekly.
Explained.
First Long Island HenWhat a studious
young rooster Mr. Plymouth Rock is, always burn
ing the midnight oil.
Second Long Island Hen Well, it is hered
itary with him. You know his mother was a kero
sene incubator. Brooklyn Eagle.
As a Discourager.
Tommy Smith This is the night -your sister's
lest feller comes, ain't it? . '
Willie Jones Yes, but I guess she's tryin' to
tshake him ,i . -"J .
, ( t TammyJSmith How d'yer know &;.... , -
Willie Jones She eat onions for .supper to
night. Philadelphia Press
AJ. Harrison as a Private Citizen.
Mr. Harrison went out of public station into a
more congenial atmosphere. His greatness as a
lowyer was recognized. He was made the prin
cipal counsel for Venezuela in the boundary dis
pute with Great Britain. He himself walked out
of the first office of the republic into the ranks of
free citizens, as was becoming in a free citizen
who, for a few years, had boon the chief servant
und the chief personage of the republic. As op
portunities came to him he grew into larger pro
portions than the country dreamed were his while
he was President. Even personal intimate friend
ships increased, and at last when the time came
for him" to show how deep were his feelings for hu
manity, how greatly he loved the country, how
strong was his faith" in republican institutions,
how firm and eloquent a friend he Was of justice
and freedom, how little of a politician he was when
what he conceived to be the nation's honor was In
question, then came the time not only of his larg
est reputation, but of his greatness, and his strong
est influence with his fellow-countrymen.
Rarely has a public man performed his great
est public service while out of public station. But
Benjamin Harirson, private citizen, made a deeper
impression on his time than Benjamin Harrison,
President, ever made. And rarely has any man's
death been more inopportune than his. Harper's
Weekly.
Schwab and His Salary.
From another point of view, however, the rise
of Charles M. Schwab to his present position and
his annual salary of $1,000,000 is a direct menace to
this country and her Institutions more than all
to her working classes. Why is Charles M. Schwab
to be paid $1,000,000 a year? He is not worth it by
reason of his ability in constructive measures, nor
is any man on earth worth that sum".
Charles M. Schwab is not to be paid $1,000,000
a year for what good he" can do, but for what harm
he will accomplish.
The Steel Trust Itself has openly declared tliat
it will pay him that salary, because it expects that
he will cut down the expenses so much that he will
save more than that to this gigantic syndicate each
year.
How wiii he save It? The formation of the
Steel Trust is in itself an answer to that question.
When it was organized, it swallowed up nearly all,
if not entirely all, the steel companies in the
United States. Thousands of honest workingmen
were driven out of employment to beg or to steal,
and now Charles M. Schwab is to be paid $1,000,000
annually, and his object will be to cut down ex
penses by making those thousands of tramps into
tens of thousands.
Charles M. Schwab rose from the ranks of
poverty himself, and came up as a day laborer.
He stands today a Genghis JKahn, a Tamerlane,
looking back bn the brilliant path he has trod over
the ruined homes and helpless forms of thousands
upon thousands of workingmen and their wives
and children.
If Charles M. Schwab have any heart In his
anatomy, he should be ashamed of-the position he
occupies.
May the Lord speed the day when such in
famies as this Steel Trust shall be unknown in this
land, and when it will be a crime for any man to
be offered and to accept a salary of $1,000,000 a
year for driving thousands and thousands of
workingmen out of employment into starvation
Sacramento Bee.
One Sufficient.
Tommy Mamma, give Elsie an apple, won't
you?
. Mamma I suppose you'ii want one for your
self then; too.
Tommyr-No. Just give one to Elsie. - We're
going, tchplay Adam and Eve, and she's going to
cempt me. Philadelphia Press.
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