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Duty and Destiny.
When a people luntf for rcedom,
Grab fcheir lands "because wo need 'em;"
Hold 'em up and deltly bleed 'cm . k
That's the now, the modern way.
Shoot 'em lull of moral suasion; t
Prato of lovo when you've occasion;
Start out right on each Invasion
But be sure you make It pay.
Shoulder arms and. be preparing" t
For big slices when they're sharing
Lands of those who have the during
' To ask freedom this lato day,
Seize a pleco and call it duty
(Duty Is one name for booty) ',
If a victim speaks of loot, ho
Should be told " 'TJs destiny," .,
Show the world you lovo your neighbor;
Talc and keep fruits of his labor;
If ho kloks, get gun and sabro
And convince him though you slay.
But be kind while you are looting;
Be benevolent while shooting,
While at lovo of freedom hooting
And be sure you make It pay.
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Thwarted Ambition. ' '
"Hello, Booraerleighl I thought you wore" 'hold
ing" down a seat in the Senate at Washington!"
"Nope! Had a streak of bad luck."
"How's that?"
"Just as I got my legislators rounded up for the
final vote my bank failed."
naan
Guaranteed.
The. head of the Consolidated Associated Syndi
cates wheeled around in his gold plated revolving
o mir and glared at the young man who had dared to
ask for the hand of his daughter.
"Young man; can you support my child in the
manner to which she has become accustomed?"
"Sir," said the young man in ringing tones, "I
have just cornered the Belgian hate' market and or
ganized a hare trust."
The eyes of the great magnate' filled with tears of
admiration, and he gave the young man his daughter
and a junior partnership.
watamwm
A Modern Fable.
A Deferred Hope, walking mournfully d,own the
Highway ,met a Moral Code- jauntily'walking along
with a Saiicy Air.
"Alas, how can you be so happy?" asked the De
ferred Hope.
"Easy enough!" exclaimed the Moral Code, light
ing a Cigarette- and iblowing the smoke into the at
mosphere. "I bought my Conscience of the Rubber
Trust."
aunts
Dissipated.
Punman "Too bad that the government should
encourage intemperance."
Dumbleigh "Don't believe that it does."
Punman "0, yes! Congress - refused to repeal
the stamp tax, and insists on a continuation of the
lick'er habit.
The Coming: ricthod.
My friends," said Rev. Under A. Thumb, "my
text this morning is taken from "
"One moment please," interrupted the tall, dark
man sitting in the censor's pew, "Are you quoting
from our revised version?"
"I am, sir," replied Rev. Dr. Under A. Thumb.
"Does your sermon lay especial stress upon the
injunction, 'Servants, obey your masters?' "
"That is the trend of my second division."
"And your version is unsullied by the declaration
that all nations of men are made of one blood?"
"I eliminated that passage myself, sir."
"Of course the objectional 'golden rule' has no
place in your sermon?"
"Most assuredly not!" ... - --
"And does your sermon contain .the section- cjn-
The Commoner.
phasi.ing the promise that 'to him that hath shall be
given,' and proving that it refers to temporal wealth
and flower?"
"I have included that in my pcrorafcion this morn
ing." "Then you may proceed, sir. At the conclusion
of your remarks we will sing, 'Dare to Do Right.' "
MMM
Intrinsic Value.
In the days when Metals could Talk an Ardent
Gold Standard Man was wrecked upon a Desert Island.
As the Man wandered about in Despair, seeking
Vainly for Food and Drink, he stumbled over a large
Block of Gold and skinned his knee.
"Why cry" aloud in despair?" asked the Yellow
Metal. "Am I not what you long have Sought?"
"Quite true,"replied the Man, rubbing his Skinned
Anatomy, "but just now I am a believer in the Theory
that only Bread and Water have Intrintic Value."
Moral: You wouldn't believe it if you saw it.,
IMfi: Return.
Cast your bread upon the waters;
In good time it will return
And if you cast It in Now Jersoy
You will havo somo loaves to burn.
M-l I I 1 lit 1 I M i II tl-l-HfrHf-frlUM 1 1 1 11
Modern Definitions.
"Pacification Excuse for more troops.
University Institution for unlearning political
history.
Contract Something that binds a debtor; not
binding on the creditor.
Bimetalism One kind of money and the promise
ot another.
Strenuous Life Abllitv to work the press corres
pondents; a man who says he will not and theji does.
Statesman One who can secure plenty of "pork."
Promise Something to keep if it is not profitable
to break it.
W. M. M.
I I CI H II I I 111 I I I H 1111 i I I H H t I HM
;; tp Smiles. - j!
1 1 I I 1 1 111 I I 1 I II I I I I I I H I 1 1IIHHI
The thing that goes the farthest toward making life worth while,
That costs the least, and does the most, Is just a pleasant smile.
Tho smile that bubbles from a heart that loves its fcUow men
Will drive away the clouds of gloom and coax the sun again.
It's full of worth, and goodness, too, with manly kindnchs blent
It's worth a million dollars, and it doesn't cost a cent.
Thcrojs no room for sadness when we see a cheery shillo
It always has the same good look It's never out of style
It nerves us on to try again, when failure makes us blue;
The (flmplcs of encouragement are good for inc and you.
It pays a higher interest, for it is merely lent
il's worth a million dollars, and it doesn't cost a cent.
A smile comes very easy you can wrinkle up with cheer
A hundred times before you can squeeze out a soggy tear,
It ripples out, moreover, to the heartstrings that will tug,
And always leaves an echo that is very like a hug.
So, smile away. Folks understand what by a smile is meant,
It's worth a million dollars, and it doesn't cost n cent.
Baltimore American.
Tomkins The idea of the swell set snubbing
Jenkins, simply because he's a self-made man.
Browne Think so?
Tompkins Certainly, they admitted Snorkins, who
is also a self-made man.
Browne Ah! but Snorkins was made in England.
Philadelphia Press.
"You are looking handsome tonight, Miss Flite,"
Bagster remarked in the pauses of the dance.
"So Mr. Smythe told me a few minutes ago."
Bagster (only remembering that Smythe is his
hated rival) "Well, you wouldn't believe anything
that chump said, would you? Philadelphia Times."
"They put the dollar before the man all through
the campaign!"
"Well, the event shows that they put the dollar
where it would do the most good!" Detroit Journal.
"And what did you see when you had climbed to
the mountain top?" "I saw an advertisement of a
new and wonderful remedy for shortness of breath,"
Exchange.
i tMa.
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Bad Appointments.
ii 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 mii ii mum 1 1 im-h-mi Hfr
The Hartford Times adds what seems a sound
reason for the withdrawal of the nomination. That
paper is so much exercised by tho episode as to de
clare that "tho manner in which the President is
plainly attempting to influence the Supremo Court in
this case is probably the most scandalous and shock
ing incident in our political history." Hut, putting
one's indignation aside, lot us consider tho practical
side of the situation. Says the Times:
If Justice Harlan is disposed to decide against
Mr. McKinley on constitutional grounds, but takes
refuge in the fact of the appointment of his son to
refuse to take part in the decision, the administra
tinn will succeed in reducing by one the number of
justices who will stand for the republic against the
empire.
This is by no means a remote possibility. The
Court numbers nine members, but if this justice
should withdraw from the consideration of tho Porto
Rican cases, owing to any popular outcry over his
son's appointment, the Court would be so composed
as to make possible a tie of four to four in tho deci
sion. Such a decision would mean that the Porlo
Rican legislation, for the time being at least, would
stand, since the efforts of the appellants is to over
throw it.
If the President will not withdraw the nomina
tion, young Mr. Harlan should now decline to permit
the use of his name. There are dangerous possibi
lities of a deplorable scandal and of immense bitter
ness in the present situation if it bo permitted to
continue. It is already evident that Mr. Harlan's
nomination cannot pass through the Senate without
its peculiar relation to the Supreme Court being con
sidered. There has been much talk in late years
about "attacking the Supreme Court," and the ques
tion can easily be asked, who is attacking it now?
There is yet time for the President to relievo himself
and the Court of all suspicion in the popular mind,
for it cannot be believed that he has brought about
this state of affairs with deliberation. Springfield
Republican.
It is impossible to ignore the fact that President
McKinley's action in offering honor and emolument
to the-sons of two Supreme Court justices at the pres
ent juncture argues a deplorable lack of tact and dis
cretion, if, indeed, it implies nothing worse. Tho
question of the fitness of the men thus honored does
no enter into consideration. Presumably Lieut. Jb
B. McKenna. who has been promoted to be an inspector-general
of volunteers, with tho rank of major, is,
a worthy officer. Certainly no one familiar with tho
attainments of Mr. James S. Harlan of this city will,
be disposed to deny his personal fitness. Nor are the,
American people in general willing to believe that
the Justices whose sons have been thus favored are
likely to let themselves be influenced by person al
favors.
Let these facts be conceded and the appointments
mentioned still show, an astonishing indelicacy on the
part of the administration an indelicacy which is all
the more deplorable when it is considered that the
administration cannot be excused on the plea of ig-
norance of the situation. When Mr. McKinley Be-)
lected Mr. Harlan and Lieut. McKenna for lucrative
positions in our island possessions he must have been
perfectly well aware that he was giving out substan
tial favors to the sons of justices before whom ques
tions involving thcie island possessions must come. It
is in no sense a reflection upon those justices to say
that they have thus been placed involuntarily in the
attitude of being put under obligations. The fact
that they will try to ignore these obligations malces
no difference. They have been placed deliberately in
a position in which men of less integrity might be in
fluenced to favor the administration, while men of)
integrity but of less breadth of view might be in-
fluenced to oppose the administration's side for th
sake of appearances.
President McKinley's proneness to offend in this
" way stamps him as a man of wretched taste, when
the best is said of him. These shameless appoint
ments, made while the fate of Porto Rico is in the
balance, imply incredible dullness on the part of the
the Chief Exeeutive or a degree of cynicism that prop
erly calls for a stern reproof from'the people.Cht"
cago Record, (Rep.)
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