With the World’s
Great Humorists
Selections from the 'Writings of the 'Best Kjnotvn
MciKers of Mirth.
Reduced to the Ranks
By J. W. FOLEY.
(Being a letter from William Gay
boy, just off the college baseball
team, to his brother Bob. written from
a small town in the country.)
My Dear Bob:
Have you a couple of twenties you
can send down here into the bush
until salary day comes around again?
I am out of the major league class
and the old gentleman has sent me
into the tall grass until I get over
my Charley-horse. I am the ostensi
ble manager of one of the old gentle
man’s branch houses down here, with
a devil of a bookkeeper as the watch
dog of the treasury. He is one of
those old faithfuls you read about in
Dickens, and never a scratch of the
nen will he make on a check until he
gets O. K. from the old gentleman.
He is deaf in the sympathetic ear, the
bookkeeper is, and when I go to him
for an advance on next month’s pay
he gets writer’s cramp in his pitch
ing arm. The old gentleman is hard
as a granite wall this time. He says
I'm not built for fast company and
I’ll have to play in a bush league un
til I get my head and am able to lo
cate them when they come over the
pan and don’t bite at the wild ones, i
When he got my batting average from
my major league engagement he cut
me oft' the salary list and sent me
down here as -extra man.
I don't know exactly what was the
matter with my playing but the old
gentleman said it wouldn't do. He
sent me up to Andover when I came
out of school and put me up near the
head of the batting order with a lot
of veterans who have been on the dia
mond for 13 years. 1 made good at
the start, drove out a homer or two
and cleaned the bases when runs
counted, and I had a letter from the
old gentleman offering me a place
as playing manager of the Andover
concern if I held up my average.
L
“He Is Deaf in the Sympathetic Ear.’’
Then I got swelled. Let a fellow
make a homer in a close game and
he’s apt to think he can go through i
the season on his record. The bleach
ers will stand that for a while but if
you fan once or twice at a critical
moment or bunt out a few easy rol
lers they’re apt to rise up and carol
for your release. That's the way it
was with the old gentleman. I
thought I was the only one in the
bunch who could stick better than
.300 and It was me to the race course
on afternoons when the firm needed
good men with the willow. The old
gentleman wrote up once or twice
that he heard I was slow on the base
lines and was apt to go out Maying
when there was a game on at the
dress goods counter. The fans had
me swelled with the notion the old
gentleman wouldn’t dare send me to
the bench. I wrote the old gentle
man I could drive one to the club
house whenever I wanted to, but that
I was young, with an infinite capacity
for enjoyment, and if he didn't crowd
me I’d settle down after while into a
steady sticker. But’he wrote back
that gate receipts were what
counted and he bush-leagued me for
fair. That’s why I’m here.
It’s a general merchandise game
down here. The diamond is small,
and the fence is only about 30 feet
back of the base lines. Anybody can
drive one over. It takes them about
two weeks to get the figures from the
big games up on the score board and
I feel like Christy Matthewson in the
box against the high school team.
If I stay here six months I'll be
able to sleep all through a champion
ship series between the Nationals and
the Americans in the front row of
the grand stand. Have pity, Bobby,
and send me the two twenties. I want
to run up to the city and see if they
still get news by telegraph.
Your affectionate brother,
BILL.
'Copyright, 1909, by XV. G. Chapman.)
The King’s Kibosh
By JUDD MORTIMER LEWIS.
Once upon a time there was a king
of the east. There was a chalk line
running around the earth from north
to south, and this chalk line was the
king's promenade.
One pleasant spring morning he put
on his little green hat with the cute
little bow in the back and calling Don
John Keep, one of the retainers of the
castle and all else that was not nailed
down, and said to him:
"John, thou knowest that I am a
monarch of great rank.”
"That don't bother me none, your
majesty,” replied John. "You know I
ain't got no sense of smell."
"And thou knowest, Don John
Keep,” continued the king, “that the
king of the west is a haughty and
grasping man, rooting where he has
“The Kibosh Escaped from Its Den
This Morning.”
not sown, and butting in where he has
not been invited. Now if I could only
get the kibosh on him the world would
be mine.”
“Your majesty, I regret to inform
you that the kibosh escaped from its
den this morning.”
“John!”
"Yes, your majesty.”
“Suppose our mother-in-law goes for
a walk and runs across that poor ki
bosh! It is the only kibosh in my
kingdom and I don’t know how’ to
keep house without It.”
“Why not advertise for it, your ma
jesty?”
“Very well, Don John, do that. What
Is my wife’s mother doing this morn
ing?”
“She has been taking chloroform,
your majesty, so as to be able to get
some rest.”
“Never mind, you don’t owe the
kibosh anything. Go over and call up
the King of the West and tell him
that we have a sleeping princess over
here, and he must come and awaken
her.”
“But suppose he does awaken her,
your majesty.”
“Then he shall have her hand in
marriage.”
Later on the King of the West rode
into the castle yard and asked to be
shown to the couch Of sleeping
princes. . -r. &<•
“Let me beg of you not to make thfk
hazardous trial in which your life is
at stake!” begged the King of the
East, trying to keep a straight face.
"Don't be a fool!” snapped the King
of the West. “If you have ever read
a fairy story you know the hero never
turns back! Lead me to her!”
“Well, where is she?" asked the
King of the West when they were gatlu.
ered about the couch whereon re
posed the royal mother-in-law.
"That's it.”
“Are you trying to hand me a
lemon?"
At this remark a shudder shook the
form of the sleeping mother-in-law.
“Her nose is crooked!” continued
the king.
At this remark the mother-in-law’s
hand went to the sloping mother-in
law’s nose.
“She has false teeth!”
“Thou liest, caitiff!'1 hissed the
mother-in-law without batting an eye.
“And she is sixty if—”
A miracle! The mother-in-iaw awoke i
and struck the floor running, and it
was the King of the West whom she
was after, though the King of the East
left so suddenly that he did not know
this. He went out of the door going
due north and he came into his back
door, through the summer kitchen, the
hallway, the bath room, the best par
lor, over the center table and out into
■the hall just in time to see his own
coat tails disappearing out of the
front door. As he sat on the back
steps that night knocking the sand out
of his shoes there was a royal flush
of pleasure on his cheek and he told
himself: "Well- I got the kibosh on
both of them all rightsky! And I cm
just bound to be called ‘The Roosevelt
of my generation!’ The trouble with
me has been that I never had the
right incentive to make that run be
fore to-day.”
With a sigh of satisfied ambition he
went upstairs, slapped his wife, kicked
the cat and went to bed, and lived
happily forever after.
(Copyright, 1909. by W. G. Chapman.)
The Third Ingredient
By H. M. EGBERT.
“I told you. Peter, folks what uses
dynamite is fools,” said Clansky, of
the third section of the Universal
Brotherhood, leering at his compan
ion through the darkness of the cel
lar. “You can’t buy picric acid and
them things without the policemans
get after you. Gunpowder is made
easy, and it’s just as good, if you mix
it well and use enough.”
“I tell you I don’t like to do it,
Meester Clansky,” his companion
whimpered.
“What?” hissed the Russian, assum
ing a minatory attitude, at which his
tool cowered instinctively. “What
did you say? Ain’t you a downtrod
den proletariat?”
“Dot’s so,” muttered the German.
“Then be one, Peter. Arouse, ye
slave. Isn’t Schmitz a greedy,
grasping, bloodsucking landlord?
Didn’t he fire you out of your job be
cause you let the policemans find you
putting that horse into his sausages?
Ain’t he turned you out of this very
basement, to starve in the streets to
morrow, while he fastens like a leech
on the pale throat of the proletariats?”
“Dot’s so.” said the German, his
face flushing with anger at the re
membrance of his lost job in the
delicatessen shop overhead where
Schmitz, ignorant of the conspirators
below, was counting up the receipts
of the day.
You come to me, your friend?'~said
Clansky. “I said, ‘the Brotherhood
will stand by you in your struggle
against the capitalists. Wipe your
hands in his gore. Get sulphur, char
coal, and saltpetre at three different
shops, and I’ll show you how to mix
them.’ And now' you falter and
cringe before the oppressor.”
“No, I don’t. Clansky,” said the
German, fired to resolution. “Where’s
the bomb?”
“It is here,” said the Russian, dra
matically, opening the grip he had
brought with him. With infinite care
he took from it a heavy metallic ob
ject like a cannon ball, from one end
of which depended a long wisp of
fuse. He placed it firmly in position
against a cross beam.
“Down with the capitalists,” he
cried, lighting the fuse; and with
hasty accord they sought the refuge
of the streets. From the corner of
the block they awaited the inevitable
explosion. Nothing occurred. Clan
sky turned pale.
“Mein Gott, she’s gone out.” he
whispered. “Come back and light
her again.”
They hurried into the basement.
And suddenly a figure leaped out of
the darkness like a tiger and felled
them to the ground.
“Trying to stink out my business,;
you scum, are you?” roared Schmitz.
“Burning your punk balls under my
"Where’s the Bomb?”
delicatessen store.” And with the
unrestrained fury of 200 pounds of-sin
ew and bone he trounced them and
flung them groaning into the passage
way. The basement door slammed
in their faces.
“You miserable fool, Peter,”groaned
Clansky, as they nursed their bruises
in the corner saloon. “The fuse was
right. You must have bought the
wrong materials. What did you get?”
"I got sulphur and charcoal and
salt,” said Peter, dolefully.
‘‘Salt, you blockhead?" cried Clan
sky. “I said saltpetre. Not salt, bui
saltpetre, petre, petre.”
“Ja,” answered the German. “You
said: ‘Go to three different shops aed
buy some sulphur, some charcoal,
and some salt, Peter.’ ”
(Copyright, 1909, by W. G. Chapman.)
Fond of Appealing to Law
Anecdote Shows Litigious Nature of
South African Natives.
The Diamond Fields Advertiser, re
ferring to the litigious nature of the
natives of South Africa, gives the fol
lowing as an instance: “A native had
fought and lost an action in the mag
istrate’s court in one of the small
lown3 in Griqualand East, the articles
in disDUte heins a slate and an alnha
betical primer of the total value of six
pence. He, Immediately after the
judgment was given against him, start
ed on a journey on foot to the chief
town, about 30 miles distant, in order
to instruct an attorney there to appeal
from the judgment given. The attor
ney laughed at the man and toid
him he should desist, as he would only
be wasting his money over a trivial
matter, but he tendered the costs of
the appeal to the attorney and Insist
ed, otherwise he would consult an
other lawyer. After a long consulta
tion and endeavor to advise his client
to act as was thought best, the attor
ney complied with the native’s wishes.
The native won his appeal.”
Logical.
“You refuse to cash my check for
$100?” “Yes.” “And yet you offer to
lend me $10?” "I do.” “I don't under
stand you.” “Well, isn’t $90 worth
savins?”—Cleveland Leader.
he Vogue
in pARJSi
DAINTY, dazzling, delicious, such
are the creations which Dame
Fashion has introduced for the
summer of 1909.
To accommodate the clinging,
slinky, floppy styles now in vogue,
materials are all of a kind calculated
to fall in soft folds and drape in folds
known a3 ‘'classic,” and which are
purely Parisian, and as much su
perior to classic folds as the smart
Paris gown is to the cumbersome
toga, writes Marie de Montaigne.
Sheer white embroidered robes are
features of this and the coming sea
son, and these are distinguished for
the delicacy and exquisite workman
ship of the embroidery. This, in the
better class of machine-made em
broidery, rivals hand work in beauty,
and only an adept or the person who
paid the bills could tell the difference
between them.
Our first illustration shows an ad
mirable design in the latest mode for
our warm season. It is a gown that
may be made up in a wide variety of
materials, from cloth to chiffon, or
linen to mull. A gorgeous dinner
gown could be created by making the
guimpe and stock; the full drawn
puff across the front between the em
pire band and sash, and the sleeves
of silver tissue with a gown of thin
blue satin; or of gold tissue with any
kind of black evening material. In
the first case the empire bolero with
its short upper sleeves; the sash, cuffs,
edge of overskirt and bottom of skirt
would be embroidered or braided in
silver. In the next instance the black
gown w'ould be embroidered in gold.
To make an afternoon gown of this
model use soft silk or satin, and work
an elaborate pattern of hand-em
broidery or soutache braid over the
broad part of the bodice, which is
formed somewhat on the bolero order
in regard to brevity, and which serves
to support the skirt by means of two
broad, embroidered straps which are
buttoned to the top of the sash. Of
course, the strap is usually sewed
firmly to the sash, but it is quite pos
sible to fasten it on the button and
with a concealed hook and eye in each
corner. This wrould permit one to
wear a sheer blouse on a warm day
without the embroidered covering.
The overskirt is looped in upward
folds on each side, and is embroid
ered to harmonize with the design
used upon the bodice. This begins
in a tiny scallop high up the front of
the overskirt, and increases in the
size of scallops towards the bottom.
Buttons or button effects are set in
each scallop. Usually these are of
raised embroidery, beginning with a
mere dot and growing to quite a large
disc lower down on the overskirt.
1’pon the skirt is repeated another
harmonizing embroidery or braid de
sign that extends around the bottom
on and above the hem and straggles
up charmingly into an irregular point
upon the front of the skirt.
The bottom of the skirt lies on the
floor in full, floppy folds all around
and has a slight trail in the back.
Between the embroidered bolero
sleeves and cuff is a plain sleeve, fit
ted and buttoned down the outer side.
This may be of the dress material or
of the sheer fabric used for the collar
and front of the gown.
When built of thin white or flow
ered summer cotton fabrics the em
belished portions of the gown may be
cut out of all-over embroidery or lace
and supplied by edgings and flounc
ings to match.
Striped linen is used in making up
the gown shown in the illustration on
the right. A combination of plain and
striped linen would also be most ef
fective in this model, while silk, in the
same plan, would also serve charm
ingly.
The coat is built to fasten at one
side under a panel front, in each of
which is inserted along the middle a
piece of trimming material. A semi
fitted effect is given the garment by
means of narrow plaits or pin tucks
that extend from below the bust
down and emphasize a short-waisted
appearance. A babyish round collar
is edged with trimming, which may
be either a striped material or tuck
ing, similar to that used upon the
coat panel. Large buttons decorate
each shoulder and also the sleeve cuff
and straps around the upper arm.
Perhaps the most striking feature in
the gown is its prtty sleeve. This
is mousquetaire, of three-quarter
length, and shows, below it, a fitted
cuff of lace or such embroidered ma
terial as may be selected to trim the
dress with. A plaited skirt, made
walking length, completes an effec
tive costume, which might be made
up attractively in any cotton, linen,
silk or thin wool goods suitable for
a dress to be worn in the forenoon.
With this costume is shown a basin
shaped hat with flowers around the
crown and big loops of soft ribbon
hanging over the back.
Linen is an admirable material in
which to build the model shown. It is
a style equally adapted to light wool
and silk fabrics.—Boston Herald.
ORNAMENT FOR THE HAIR.
A Becoming Coronet of Silver F:!i
gree and Seed Pearls.
Dainty gloves for summer evening
wear are of delicately tinted silk, em*
Chamois Gloves.
Chamois gloves are again gaining
popularity. They look well in warm
weather and are not half as extrava
gant as kid ones. They come in white
and several shades of yellow.
The wise girl keeps two pairs of
these going at once, and each day
washes one pair that they may be
dry to wear the following day. To
wash them cold water must be used
and a white soap.
Put the gloves on and give them a
thorough washing as you would your
hands. Do not put them near the
heat while drying.
To Keep Shoes White.
White shoes, which always are in
favor in summer, will yellow with re
peated cleanings. This trying period
will be postponed indefinitely if the
shoes are occasionally scrubbed off
with a good soap and water before ap
plying the cleansing paste.
it pays to buy shoe trees to slip into
the shoes during the cleaning process.
If a drop or two of bluing is added
to the cleansing mixture, the shoes
will be much whiter.
PROFITABLE TRUCK FARMING
IN ATLANTIC COAST STATES
Besides the Staple Market-Garden Crops Grown, There Are >
Many Others Which Are Peculiar to Certain
Localities and Climate.
One Day's Harvest.
The development and extension of
truck farming in the Atlantic coast
states has been coincident with the
development of transporattion facili
ties throughout that section. The
phenomenal growth of the great con
suming centers of the country has
stimulated a corresponding growth
and extension of the food-producing
territory, especially of that capable
of producing perishable truck crops.
Transportation facilities, together
with cheap labor and cheap lands at
the south, have made it possible to
produce products out of season at the
north in competition with greenhouse
products.
The first development of truck farm
ing, as we now recognize it. as dis
tinguished from market gardening,
took place about Norfolk, Va., and
Charleston. S. C. Both of these places
were provided with steamship connec
tions to northern ports before rapid
railway transportation became a fea
ture in the moving of perishable
products and as a result of these ad
vantanges for reaching the markets
these two ports became important
truck-producing centers for supplying
the northern trade.
Besides these advantages, the pecu
liar geographic formation of the terri
tory immediately surrounding Norfolk
gives it a winter climate characteristic
of sections many miles southward.
The fact that the coast line of the
United States at this particular point
is very broken, together with the prox
imity of the Gulf stream, gives this
area a winter climate which enables
it to produce some of the standard
Wagon with Cabbage at Sauerkraut Factory.
garden crops without protection and
many of the more tender crops with
only slight protection during the win
ter months. The islands off the coast
of South Carolina, in the vicinity of
Charleston, are so protected by the
warm currents and by the atmosphere
of the sea that orange trees are grown
successfully in the open, and in some
favorable seasons are known to pro
duce fruit. It is therefore possible to
grow the hardier truck crops in the
open and the more tender ones with
very slight protection during the win
ter.
The advantages of the Norfolk re
gion for truck work appealed to a
Jerseyman by the name of Hugh
Bates, who wrent to this section about
1840. Naturally he followed the prac
tices of his home people of New Jer
sey in the new territory, and, while
he found some of his precautions un
necessary, his work on the whole was
successful. He was followed later by
other growers from the same terri
tory.
It was not until 30 years later that
the first all-rail shipments of truck
were made from this territory. Rail
ways began carrying the products
from Norfolk to northern markets in
1885, and from Charleston in 1888.
The methods employed to adapt
cabbage to the requirements of the
market and to the different areas in
the trucking region are distinct and
each forms a chapter in the cultural
history of this important truck crop.
For instance, at the south cabbage is
a winter crop, seeds being sown dur
ing September and October, the plants
transplanted to the field at the begin
ning of winter, and kept in a slowly
growing condition throughout the
colder portion of the year, to be
forced rapidly by the addition of stim
ulating fertilizers early in the spring
to supply the demands of the market
as the warm weather comes on. This
product is naturally very soft and
must be consumed with little delay;
and, since it is grown on a very ex
tensive scale (see Fig. 1), it must be
so distributed as to meet only the im
mediate demands of the market to
which it is sent.
At the north the crop is of a very
different character, both in variety
and in the method of its cultivation.
The great bulk of the northern-grown
cabbage may be considered as a
truck-crop feature of the general farm
ing in sections where the industry has
gained a foothold. The cabbage crop
takes a regular place in the farm r
tation in those communities where tii“
industry has become a permanent
feature. In some sections it forms the
chief money crop of the fall season,
ocupying a position similar to that
held by potatoes in other sections.
This great crop is measured by
thousands of acres and millions of
tons. At harvest time, in October and
November, it is shipped to the great
consuming centers in bulk in carload
lots. It is stored by thousands of
tons in specially constructed ware
\
houses, to be sent out as the demands ^
cf the market will justify during the
winter season. It is also manufactured
into sauerkraut, which finds its way
to the great cities as rapidly as there
is a demand for it. A sauerkraut fac
tory with wagons filled with cabbages
is shown in Fig. 2.
Besides the staple market-garden
crops of the north which are now ex
tensively grown as truck crops
: throughout the South Atlantic coast
I region, there are crops which are
more or less peculiar to certain lo- '
| calities. As illustrations, the water
] melons of Georgia, the kale of Norfolk
. and the sweet potatoes of eastern
Maryland and of New Jersey stand
out preeminently. The northern
areas of the trucking region also are
characterized by particular crops
adapted to comparatively restricted
areas.
Feeding the Horse.—A horse needs
much less grain when fed alfalfa hay.
and has more life and spirit than
when fed upon any other hay. Alfalfa
has great restorative powers, and hav
ing no hairs upon stems or leaves,
has no tendency to cause heaves in
horses.
New York has enough water stored
up to last it 250 days. New York’s
thirst for water never was the marvel
of two hemispheres.
TAKING CARE OF
HORSES’ FEET
Horse-Shoer Should Thoroughly Un
derstand His Business.
It is absolutely essential for the
horseshoer to thoroughly understand
the anatomy and physical laws, as
well as the mechanical rules, of the
horse’s foot, for most all ailments to
which horses' feet are subject come
under his direct supervision.
He is often called upon to treat foot
disorders, and should equip himself
with sufficient knowledge of the sub
ject before attempting to remedy such
ailments.
Corns seems to be one of the most
obstinate cases that come under the
observation of the horseshoer.
Some authorities claim that these
corns resemble the corns on the hu
man foot, but they are missed on ac
count of the cause and location being
generally the same.
It is a misapplied term when con
nected with the foot of the horse.
The discoloration which appears be
tween the bar and wall is a deposit of
blood after rupture of the blood ves
sels, which form such a complex net
work around the foot. This part of the
foot has to do more than its share of
work. Corns are chiefly found on the
inside of the foot because of the hab
it of fitting the shoes closer to the
center of the frog than the outside,
thus throwing the work on the inside
heel.
Another error is making shoes right
and left. Why should this be done
when there is no distinction in the
anatomy? The foot has as many
points of observation as a marine
compass and each point must be rig
idly observed if we wish to be suc
cessful in manipulating the ailments
of the foot.
The shoe must be an equal distance
from the center of the frog in order
to balance the foot. If this cannot b
done by nature mechanical rules must
be followed.
When it is announced that two
hearts are made happy nowadays it is
difficult to tell whether a marring.' or
a divorce has been pulled o2.