With the World9s
Great Humorists
Selections from ihe XDritings of the 'Best Knot& n
Makers of Mirth.
The Jinxs' Quarrel
By JUDD MORTIMER LEWIS.
Jinx looked up from the paper ne |
was reading, and his wife Ia,d h» r
hook aside and waited.
"Well?” said she finally when Jinx
ha«l watched her unseeingiy fc>- at
least a minute. "You shewed all the
symptoms of getting ready to read a
joke; go ahead and read it.
"This is no joke, dear; I have just
been reading where a whole regiment
of school-children have been vaccin
ated. These poor innocent little chil
dren were compelled to bare their ten
der little arms and submit them to
the cruel knife."
"Well, what of it? There is no more
dreadful disease than smallpox, and
now those dear little hil.'.ren with
the tender arms are :.,-ever proof
against that terrible disea; e."
"But, dear, you don't str-ar ;o un
derstand."
"It is you who don't semi to under
stand."
But I do' understand! That virus
which the doctors introduce into the
veins of the poor little children is he
most deadly kind of poison and is
likely to kill these children!"
I don't care; vaccination is a'.l
right!"
"But, dearest, it is not ail right, it
is all wrong! Think of the hundreds
of innocent lives of little children that
have been sacrificed.. I tell you that
the doctors who vaccinate, the men
who pass the compulsory laws and the
parents who submit to it are no better
than murderers!"
1 "Jinx, do you dare to stand up there
and tell me that I am not better than
a murderer!"
"Why, dear, you know I didn't! But
just think dear of all those little green
graves’”
Where -lid all those terrible, deaths
happen i mt have worried you *o?”
“All ri;. ht, sneer if you want to!
Our childn 1 shall not he vaccinaled!”
“Titey sh.'H be vaccinated!”
”1 say the; shall not! I will prevent
| i< if 1 have !•-> fight all the courts in
| Christendom. -'he chance of their
; ev«-r catching smallpox is not greater
I that one in a' million, and even if they
| do catch it science is so far advanced
I__1
A Whole Regiment of School Children
Have Been Vaccinated.
that it is no longer dr tgerous or
I dreadful. No pits remain, and it is no
worse than a bad cold.”
"Now you are talking silly! Our
t children shall be vaccinated even if 1
have to take them from them little
beds and fly with them through the
night to the home of my father!"
“Oh, look at Eliza crossing the ice!’
“That's right, sneer at me! Poke
fun at me! Abuse me! But I stand
here, by Jinx, and I tell you that they
shall be vaccinated!”
"All right, we shall see about that!
I’ll show you whether I am a man or
whether I am a mouse!” and Jinx
went out to feed the chickens. When
he returned to the house supper war
on the table and lie sat down to eat
while Mrs. Jinx, with red nose and
swollen eyes went and threw herseli
upon the bed.
Jinx munched a few mouthfuls in
silence; but the steak seemed to be
full of cries, the coffee tasted of tears
and the first muffin he broke apart
made him think of a broken heart! He
sat with his chin in his palms staring
at the wall for fully five minutes. Then
with a sigh of resignation he arose
and went into the bedroom and kneel
ing by the bed put his arm about his
wife's neck and drew her to him.
"Dearest!” he whispered in her
ear.
“You don't love me!” sobbed she.
“They shall be vaccinated,” said
Jinx.
' N-n-o they sh-shan't!” sobbed she.
"I think vaccination is horrid!”
“Dear! We will lei them decide it
for themselves!”
Suddenly Mrs. Jinx sat up and
smiled through her tears until her
face looked like a June day after a
sun shower.
"My goodness!” exclaimed she, “I
have just thought of something!”
'What is it, dear?”
We haven't any children!”
“By George!” was all Jinx could
say.
(Copyright, 1909, by W. G. Chapman.) ,
Jep Moore’s Courtship
By J. W. LAMPTON.
Jep Moore was in love with the
girl. That was as plain as the nose on
his face which was about the plainest
that ever a man stuck into a handker
chief. But he was not to the manner
born and although he feared no man,
he had been mortally afraid of women
as far back as he could remember,
say about 27 years, come next month.
If he could have shoved out his good
right arm and punched the lady in the
face he would have been at ease, but
to shove it out to put it around her
waist was too many for Jep. That
was the reason he had been courting
Mollie Stewart for nearly two years
and had arrived nowhere much. But a
girl, and a pretty one at that, won't
stand for everlasting procrastination
whatever she may think of the man.
She Weicomed Jep Cheerfully.
and Jep began to observe that Mollie
was having more gentlemen company
than he liked to see around so often.
He didn't dare say anything, but he
proposed to do something and that im
mediately.
Which was why he hitched his horse
at her gate that, evening and pounded
up the walk to the porch where she
sat all alone waiting for him. He had
informed her by the Farmers' Tele
phone line, in which he owned stock,
that he was due to arrive at that hour.
“Say, Midli 3” he said with sudden
energy, "what would you do if you was
the moon and I was the sun?"
It was not quite the flattering way
to put it, but Jep was awkward and
all he thought of was that the moon
was mighty pretty just then and so
was Mollie.
"Really, I don’t know, Jep." she re
plied, perplexed by the unexpected in
qui rv.
“Can’t you guess?"
"Of course I can't. 1 couldn't be the
man. could 1?"
"You could be the moon as easy as
I could be the sun, couldn't you?”
"1 suppose so."
"Well, just le’s s'pose we was them;
then what?”
Mollie studied a moment and the
feminine in her asserted itself.
“Well, I suppose, Jep,” she said
laughing lightly, "If I was the moon
and voti was the sun, I'd go away when
you come.”
Jep hadn’t thought where the con
versation would lead and he was
wholly upset by her answer. He sat
speechless.
"But. I'm not the moon, Jep.” she
added quickly, "because you see I
didn't go away when you come.”
"Bern the sun and the moon, Mol
lie," he said, hitching his neck up
through his collar so he could get
more air; "1 didn't come over here to
night to talk astronomy. What I come
fer was to know why the dickens you
don’t marry me!”
Mollie was not agitated. It was not
her first proposal, though it was dif
ferent. She looked up at him and
smiled. Jep began to feel wobbly in
the knees.
“Well, Jep,” she replied slowly, “if
1 can give you one good reason will
you forgive me?”
This sounded like Sunday-school
talk and Jep felt the seriousness of it.
“Of course, I will, Mollie, but—” he
hesitated.
"The reason is. Jep, “she inter
rupted, “that you never asked me.”
After that it was so plain that even
Jep could grasp the situation, which
he did. including Mollie.
(Copyright, 1309, by W. G. Chapman.)
The Subardency of the Manifest
By J. W. FOLEY.
Being inspired to nobler and higher
i things. Mrs. I'ptosnuf laid oft her cor
sets. gave her switch to the cook, in
vested her feet with fiat-heeled broad
soled shoes and became a clubwoman.
The switch was brown and the
cook's hair was red, but Mrs. Upto
snuf's generosity did not aim to be
logical.
To Mrs. I'ptosnuf was assigned the
task of preparing a paper on the Sub
ardency of the Manifest—an engaging
topic, to be sure. She did not know
what it might he, hut it was splendid
ciub stuff and gave her much oppor
tunity to make a hit.
I In the meantime, there was the
1 baby, to whom the Subardency of the
; Manifest was not so necessary ss oc
casional baths and unccutaminated
j milk. Mrs. I'ptosnuf engaged a nurse
i girl from Mrs. Fuzzywuff's School for
Daughters of Splendid Families in
Temporarily Reduced Circumstances.
The nurse girl’s name was Clarissa
ami she was shy. sweet anil unsophis
I ticated as her name. ”1 will be just
| as good to it as its own mother." she
i declared, when she saw the baby,
which was saying much or little, as
I you choose. Then she goo-gooed to
the baby and Mrs. Uptosnuf went to
, the club meeting perfectly satisfied
the baby was in competent hands. For
ha! she not seen the Fuzzywuff di
! ploma?
"And nurse." Mrs. I'ptosnuf called
; back from the front hallway, where
! she stood with a bulky manuscript,
j tied with yellow and white ribbon
■ i club colors I, "you might give baby a
: bath this afternoon and then put him
| in his little bed.”
Now the Fuzzywuff school, being for
the daughters of Splendid Families in
Temporarily Reduced Circumstances,
taught much of removing spots from
soiled velvet but little of bathing ba
bies, and Clarissa pondered much and
long.
How to prepare a bath? She had
never seen it in the Fuzzywuff manual
| of domestic forms. She would see the
cook. But the cook must not know
she was ignorant. She must inquire
diplomatically. So she went timidly
down to the cook with the red hair
and the blown switch and asked her
how to prepare a bath for soft and
delicate things—something that would
cleanse thoroughly and not injure the
softest fabrics.
Clarissa was a horn diplomat. When
the cook told her. she went back up
stairs and rejoiced much.
So baby had his bath and was put
in liis little bed.
But when Mrs. Uptosnuf returned
from the club, there was much commo
tion and running to and fro.
Baby had erupted with a rash re
sembling measles or scarlet fever.
The family doctor was summoned
hastily, looked long and marveled
much. “'Let me see the nurse,” he
said gruffly.
Clarissa came timidly, but with that
calm confidence born in the Fuzzywuft
diploma. Being a plain man the doc
tor said: “What in blazes did you put
on the baby?” And being a truthful
r
'rLI »
“She Went Timidly Down to the
Cook.”
girl an«l thoroughly competent to
speak in polite circles, Clarissa said
"I bathed him in one gallon of warm
water, a bar of shaved soap, a quart
| of gasoline and a teacupful ol
borax.”
Which was the cook's favorite pre
scription for delicate fabrics.
So the doctor wrote a prescription
and handed it to Mrs. Cptosnuf,
headed. "For Mrs. Uptosnuf’s Baby,’
and which read:
(Rx» Personal attention of
mother, 24 hours.
Sig: Apply every day.
And for Clarissa he advised light
work in the family laundry where her
genius might flame unquenched.
But when the brute Uptosnuf heard
of it, he kicked the Subardency of the
Manifest into the grate, where the yel
i low and white ribbon (club colors)
perished miserably,
i (Copyright 1909. by W. G. Chapman !
Spend Much for Amusement
Twenty-Five Millions Are Invested in
Parks in This Country.
"It costs a lot of money to build
and operate an amusement park on a
large 'scale,” says Frederic Thomp
son. in Everybody’s.
"I suppose that more than $25,000,
000 are invested in these parks in this
country. Dreamland on Coney island
cost about $2,500,000. Riverview Park
and the White City in Chicago cost
about a million each.
‘‘Luna park cost $2,400,000. The
total annual expenses, including the
cost of rebuilding, of putting in new
shows and the operating expenses,
average about a million dollars, and
the season lasts four months. I spent
$240,000 on one show, of which $68,
000 was for animals, mostly elephants
and camels—it was the representation
of the Indian durbar—and I lost $100,
000 on it. I charged the loss up to
education, c-d it was worth it. It
costs $5.60o a week to light Luna
park, and $4,500 for the music. The
salaries of the free performers this
season are '”,300 a week. And all of
these expenditures, as well as a good
many others, go simply to manufac
ture the carnival spirit.”
Don t look at life through smoked
glasses. The sunlight will e - agthen
your eyes and stimulate yo^. spirit.
GOT TO THE CAUSE
And Then All Symptoms of Kidney
Trouble Vanished.
C. J. Hammonds, 517 S. Hill St., Fort
Scott, Kansas, says: “I was operated
uu iui aiune in me
kidney but not cured
and some time after
was feeling so bad
that I knew there
must be another
stone that would
have to be cut out.
I decided to try
Doan’s Kidney Pills
anti tne Kidney action improved right
away. Large quantities of sediment
and stony particles passed from me,
ind finally the stone itself, part dis
solved, but still as big as a pea. With
it disappeared all symptoms of dizzi
ness, rheumatism and headaches. I
have gained about 50 pounds since and
fee! well and hearty.”
Sold by all dealers. 50 cents a box.
Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, X. Y.
WOMAN'S WORTH.
Wiley—I see by this paper that a
man in America sold his wife for a
shilling.
Hubby—Well, if she was a good
one she was worth it.
AGONIZING ITCHING.
Eczema for a Yea-—Cot No Relief
Even at Skin Hospital—In Despair
Until Cuticura Cured Him.
“I was troubled with a severe itch
ing and dry, scrufy skin on my ankles,
feet, arms and scalp. Scratching made
it worse. Thousands of small red pim
ples formed and these caused intense
itching. I was advised to go to the
hospital for diseases of the skin. I did
so, the chief surgeon saying: “I never
saw- such a bad case of eczema.” But I
got little or no relief. Then I tried many
so-cal!e'4 remedies, but I became so
bad that I almost gave up in despair.
After suffering agonies fer twelve
months, I was relieved of the almost
unbearable itching after two or three
applications of Cuticr-a Ointment. I
continued its use, combined with Cuti
cura Soap and Pills, and I was com
pletely cured. Henry Searle, Little
Rock, Ark., Oct. 8 and 10, 1907.”
Potter Dreg & Cbcm. Corp., Sole Preps., Boston.
Rabbinical Wit.
An English rabbi was asked if there
was any weighty reason against hav
ing a clock in the synagogue. "By no
means,” was the reply. "Have your
clock, but put it outside the building,
and then you can tell how late you
come to the service.” Two rabbis
were passing the beautiful synagogue
In which one of them officiated. 'How
I envy you!” said the first. "You
must be in a paradise.” "Hold,
friend!” the second explained. “In
the original paradise there was only
one serpent, but in this congregation
are man}- of them.”
A Friendly Pointer.
"What.” asked Arizona Al, when the
new editor had taken charge of The
Daily Rattlesnake, "is goin’ to he your
policy?"
"My policy, my friend, is going to
be, to tell the truth according to my
lights, and let the chips fall where
they may.”
"Stranger, that’s a good policy, but
be sure before you go to press that
you've got your lights adjusted to suit
all parties. This is a had place for
people that gits the wrong focus.”
All pleasure must be bought at the
price of pain. For the true the price
Is paid before you enjoy it; for the
false after you enjoy it.—Foster.
Lewis’ Single Rinder made of extra qual
ity tobacco, costs more than other 5c
cigars. Tell the dealer you want them.
Marriage will change a man’s views
quicker than anything else.
Graham Crackers at their Best
There are no better Grahams than “Sunshines”
—none half sc- good.
Sunshine Grahams are made of the best whole
wheat graham flour, at the “Sunshine” bakeries—
the finest in the world.
The ovens are of white tile and are on the top
floor—sunshine and pure air all around them.
Sunshine Grahams
Each package is protected by the
triple seal. So you can be sure they are
clean—pure and wholesome.
The “Sunshine Seal'’ on the end is
proof of the genuine. Be sure it’s there.
You miss the best in Grahams —
’til you try“Sun
shines.”
At your gro
cer’s in 10c seal
ed packages
|opSE-WILES Biscuit co.
Ate a Chick with Big Eyes.
A trainman is telling an incident
that occurred on a Mohawk & Malone
train up in the woods the other day.
The train was standing on a siding
waiting the arrival and passing of an
other train when an Italian walked
through the coach, his hands crossed
on his stomach and his head wagging
from side to side in a doleful manner.
"What's the matter, John?’’ some
one inquired.
“Oh, me sick—me sick as dev," re
plied the man, rolling his head still
more distressingly and continuing the
rubbing of his stomach.
"Sick? Well, what you been eat
ing?” asked the sympathetic passen
ger.
“Eata de chick with the big eyes."
responded John, as his groans in
creased.
John had killed an owl the night
before and it didn’t agree with him.—
Utica Observer.
Sheer white goods, in fact, any fine
wash goods when new, owe much of
their attractiveness to the way they
are laundered, this being done in a
manner to enhance their textile beau
ty. Home laundering would be equal
ly satisfactory if proper attention was
given to starching, the first essential
being good Starch, which has sufficient
strength to stiffen, without thickening
the goods. Try Dofiarice Starch and
you will be pleasantly surprised at the
improved appearance of your work.
Precocious.
Smill Girl—Why doesn't baby taik,
father?
Father—He can't talk yet, dear.
Young babies never do.
Small Girl—Oh, yes they do. Job
did. Nurse read to me out of the
Bible how Job cursed the day he was
born.—Tit-Bits.
A Rare Good Thing.
"Am using ALLEN'S FOOT-EASE, and
ran truly say 1 would not have been with
out it so long, had I known the relief it
would give my aching feet. 1 think it a
rare good thing for anyone having sore
or tireil feet—Mrs. Matilda Holtwert,
Providence, R. i." Sold by all Druggists,
25c. Ask to-day.
Certainly Not.
Hewitt—It isn't fair on the face of
It
Jetvitt—What isn’t?
Hewitt—A brunette. ‘V
Try Marine Eye Remedy
! For Red, Weak, Weary, Watery Eyes.
: Compounded by Experienced Physicians.
: Conforms to the Pure Food and Drugs
Law. Murine Doesn't Smart. Soothes Eye
Pain. Try Murine for Your Eyes.
When lawbreakers become law
makers they will naturally make laws
that are easy.
Lack Means to Fioht Tuberculosis.
Homer Folks of New York city re
cently stated before the National asso- i
ciation for the Study and Prevention
of Tuberculosis that there are in the
Foiled States at the present time 75,
000 cases < i tuberculosis in advanced
stages of the disease, every on" of
whom should be isolated in hospitals. ]
but there are al the t resent time not
anj thing like enough hospital beds for
these cases In the country.
With a smooth iron and Defiance
Starch, you can launder your shirt
waist just as well at home as the
steam laundry can: it will have the
proper stiffness and finish, there will
be less wear and tear of the goods,
and it will he a positive pleasure to
use a Starch that does not stick to the
iron.
Stuck.
Gunner—Why in the world do the
fellows around this club allude to old
Foggman as "Mr. Automobile?” He's
not swift, is he?
Guyer—Just the opposite. It’s a po
lite way of calling him old "Stick in
the Mud.’ ”
A ccld on the lungs doesn't usually
amount to much, but it invariably pre
cedes pneumonia and consumption. Ham
lins W'i-ard (Id applied to the chest at
once will break up a cold in a night.
Many a man's boasted bravery has
gene lame .when his wife suggested
that he visit the kitchen and fire the
cook.
Mrs. YVinsiow’s Soothing Syrup.
For children teetMnv. sofiens tbe gim.g, reduces :n
Lltnm.bi.ou. allays pain, cures wind colic. gScabott Le.
When a woman doesn't have her
say it is because she is dumb.
Few:-' Single loader straight- 5c—II my
smokers ptc-icr them to 10c- e.gars.
Pride sometimes has to go before
people fall in love.
ALCOHOL 3 PER CENT.
A^gelablePreparaiionfcls
s imitating tteroodantllteia
ImgUte Stomachs andBowJsof
ifoinranteed under the Ft
Infants /Children
Atb monlhs old
Doses -35CENTS
Promotes DigesKon-Otccrfur
ness and Rest.Conlains neither
Opiuni.Morpliine nor Mineral.
Not Narcotic.
fitcipt of Oil Dr£414HnMm
Pumpkin Sttd“
jd/xJemta *
MM/e Sdfc
jinisiSad *
Ppptmaif
EiCattocmlc Stint
him Sit'd -
Aperfect Remedy forCrnisfip
lion, Sour Stomadi.D'.arrtoea
Worms ,Convalsions.Fevcri$h
ness ajulLOSS OF SLEEP.
Facsimile Signature oC
NEW YORK.
Exact Copy of Wrapper,
The Kind Ton Have Always Bought, and which has been
in use for over SO years, Las homo the signature of
and has been made under his per
sonal supervision since its infancy.
Allow no cue to deceive you in this.
All Counterfeits, Imitations and “ Just-as-good” are but
Experiments that trifle with and endanger the health of
Infants and Children—Experience against Experiment.
What is CASTORIA
Castorie, is a harmless substitute for Castor Oil, Pare
goric, Drops and Soothing Syrups. It is Pleasant. It
contains neither Opium, Morphine nor other Narcotic
substance. Its ago is its guarantee. It destroys Worms
and allays Feverishness. It cures Diarrhoea and Wind
Colic. It relieves Teething Troubles, cures Constipation
and Flatulency. It assimilates the Food, regulates the
Stomach and Dowels, giving healthy and natural sleep.
The Children’s Panacea—The Mother’s Friend.
GENUINE CASTORIA ALWAYS
The Kind You Have Always Bought
In Use For Over 30 Years
THE CENTAUR COVHNT. TT 4URRAT CVAEET. NEW TOUR CITY.
W. N. U., OMAHA, NO. 25-1909.
Do You Feel Run
Down ?
If so, you are an easy victim of
disease. You can avoid danger
if you build up your system with
the natural strength-giver—
DR. D. JAYNE’S
TONIC VERMIFUGE
which helps your body do its own
building up. It puts the whole diges
tive system in a perfect condition.
Regulates the stomach, imparts new
vigor and health to the tissues.
Your Druggist has it.
Two nizet, 50c anti 35c
SICK HEADACHE
Positi vely cured b>
these Little Pills.
Thrv also relieve Dis
tress from Dyspepsia, Iu
digestion a ml Too Hearty
Eating. A perfect rem
edy for Dizziness, Nau
sea, Drowsiness, Bad
• Taste in the Mouth. Cuafc
hI Tonjjne, Paia in the
Side, TORPID LIVER
wels. Purely Vegetable
SMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE. SMALL PRICE.
CARTERS
VPlTTLE
IVER
PILLS.
They regulate the Bo
Genuine Must Bear
Fac-Simile Signature
REFUSE SUBSTITUTES.
&
THE ROOF
is the most important part of any
building you put up. If yon put
on some rooting that has to he
laid just,so, and dressed every so
often, you are inviting trouble.
I'se Washington Red Cedar
Shingles and insist upon every
bundle bearing this mark. It
means 10 inches of clear shingle.
3?^ go * 5/q
fj ” A*- l)A.O J i
\a\w\.,wAs\Vi
•' r. ASK YOUR DEALER V _,
SOUR STOMACH
“I used Cascarets and feel like a new
man. I have been a sufferer from dys
pepsia and sour stomach for the iast twe
years. I have been taking medicine and
other drugs, but could find no relief only
for a short time. I will recommend
Cascarets to my friend*; as the only thing
for indigestion and sour stomach and tc
keep the bowels in good condition
They are very nice to eat.”
Harry Stuckley, Mauch Chunk, Pa.
Pleasant, Palatable. Potent, Taste Good,
Do Good. Never Sicken, Weaken or Gripe,
10c. 25c. 50c. Never sold in bulk. The gen
uine tablet stamped C C C. Guaranteed to
cure or your money back. 326
LIVF STOCK AND
MISCELLANEOUS
Electrotypes
IN GREAT VARIETY
FOR.- SALE t>lT THE
LOWEST PRICES BY
WESTERN NEWSPAPER UNION
73 W. Adams St., Chicago
Ur. McINTOSII celebrated
Natural (Uterine Supporter
{rives Immediate relief. Sold by all min
jrieal Instrument dealers ari l leading
driijorists tn Cnited States ant Canada
('ataltv. price list and particulars mailed
on application.
THE HASTINGS £ McINTOSH TKl'SS CO,
To prevent that tired feeling on
ironing day—Use Defiance Starch
saves time—saves labor—saves annoy
ance, will not stick to the iron. The
big 1G oz. package for 10c, at year
grocer's.
912 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa.,
manufacturers of trus«»»§ and
sole makers of the tienuine
stumped “McIntosh ’ Supporter.