Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About The Loup City northwestern. (Loup City, Neb.) 189?-1917 | View Entire Issue (June 10, 1909)
With the World9s Great Humorists Selections from ihe XDritings of the 'Best Knot& n Makers of Mirth. The Jinxs' Quarrel By JUDD MORTIMER LEWIS. Jinx looked up from the paper ne | was reading, and his wife Ia,d h» r hook aside and waited. "Well?” said she finally when Jinx ha«l watched her unseeingiy fc>- at least a minute. "You shewed all the symptoms of getting ready to read a joke; go ahead and read it. "This is no joke, dear; I have just been reading where a whole regiment of school-children have been vaccin ated. These poor innocent little chil dren were compelled to bare their ten der little arms and submit them to the cruel knife." "Well, what of it? There is no more dreadful disease than smallpox, and now those dear little hil.'.ren with the tender arms are :.,-ever proof against that terrible disea; e." "But, dear, you don't str-ar ;o un derstand." "It is you who don't semi to under stand." But I do' understand! That virus which the doctors introduce into the veins of the poor little children is he most deadly kind of poison and is likely to kill these children!" I don't care; vaccination is a'.l right!" "But, dearest, it is not ail right, it is all wrong! Think of the hundreds of innocent lives of little children that have been sacrificed.. I tell you that the doctors who vaccinate, the men who pass the compulsory laws and the parents who submit to it are no better than murderers!" 1 "Jinx, do you dare to stand up there and tell me that I am not better than a murderer!" "Why, dear, you know I didn't! But just think dear of all those little green graves’” Where -lid all those terrible, deaths happen i mt have worried you *o?” “All ri;. ht, sneer if you want to! Our childn 1 shall not he vaccinaled!” “Titey sh.'H be vaccinated!” ”1 say the; shall not! I will prevent | i< if 1 have !•-> fight all the courts in | Christendom. -'he chance of their ; ev«-r catching smallpox is not greater I that one in a' million, and even if they | do catch it science is so far advanced I__1 A Whole Regiment of School Children Have Been Vaccinated. that it is no longer dr tgerous or I dreadful. No pits remain, and it is no worse than a bad cold.” "Now you are talking silly! Our t children shall be vaccinated even if 1 have to take them from them little beds and fly with them through the night to the home of my father!" “Oh, look at Eliza crossing the ice!’ “That's right, sneer at me! Poke fun at me! Abuse me! But I stand here, by Jinx, and I tell you that they shall be vaccinated!” "All right, we shall see about that! I’ll show you whether I am a man or whether I am a mouse!” and Jinx went out to feed the chickens. When he returned to the house supper war on the table and lie sat down to eat while Mrs. Jinx, with red nose and swollen eyes went and threw herseli upon the bed. Jinx munched a few mouthfuls in silence; but the steak seemed to be full of cries, the coffee tasted of tears and the first muffin he broke apart made him think of a broken heart! He sat with his chin in his palms staring at the wall for fully five minutes. Then with a sigh of resignation he arose and went into the bedroom and kneel ing by the bed put his arm about his wife's neck and drew her to him. "Dearest!” he whispered in her ear. “You don't love me!” sobbed she. “They shall be vaccinated,” said Jinx. ' N-n-o they sh-shan't!” sobbed she. "I think vaccination is horrid!” “Dear! We will lei them decide it for themselves!” Suddenly Mrs. Jinx sat up and smiled through her tears until her face looked like a June day after a sun shower. "My goodness!” exclaimed she, “I have just thought of something!” 'What is it, dear?” We haven't any children!” “By George!” was all Jinx could say. (Copyright, 1909, by W. G. Chapman.) , Jep Moore’s Courtship By J. W. LAMPTON. Jep Moore was in love with the girl. That was as plain as the nose on his face which was about the plainest that ever a man stuck into a handker chief. But he was not to the manner born and although he feared no man, he had been mortally afraid of women as far back as he could remember, say about 27 years, come next month. If he could have shoved out his good right arm and punched the lady in the face he would have been at ease, but to shove it out to put it around her waist was too many for Jep. That was the reason he had been courting Mollie Stewart for nearly two years and had arrived nowhere much. But a girl, and a pretty one at that, won't stand for everlasting procrastination whatever she may think of the man. She Weicomed Jep Cheerfully. and Jep began to observe that Mollie was having more gentlemen company than he liked to see around so often. He didn't dare say anything, but he proposed to do something and that im mediately. Which was why he hitched his horse at her gate that, evening and pounded up the walk to the porch where she sat all alone waiting for him. He had informed her by the Farmers' Tele phone line, in which he owned stock, that he was due to arrive at that hour. “Say, Midli 3” he said with sudden energy, "what would you do if you was the moon and I was the sun?" It was not quite the flattering way to put it, but Jep was awkward and all he thought of was that the moon was mighty pretty just then and so was Mollie. "Really, I don’t know, Jep." she re plied, perplexed by the unexpected in qui rv. “Can’t you guess?" "Of course I can't. 1 couldn't be the man. could 1?" "You could be the moon as easy as I could be the sun, couldn't you?” "1 suppose so." "Well, just le’s s'pose we was them; then what?” Mollie studied a moment and the feminine in her asserted itself. “Well, I suppose, Jep,” she said laughing lightly, "If I was the moon and voti was the sun, I'd go away when you come.” Jep hadn’t thought where the con versation would lead and he was wholly upset by her answer. He sat speechless. "But. I'm not the moon, Jep.” she added quickly, "because you see I didn't go away when you come.” "Bern the sun and the moon, Mol lie," he said, hitching his neck up through his collar so he could get more air; "1 didn't come over here to night to talk astronomy. What I come fer was to know why the dickens you don’t marry me!” Mollie was not agitated. It was not her first proposal, though it was dif ferent. She looked up at him and smiled. Jep began to feel wobbly in the knees. “Well, Jep,” she replied slowly, “if 1 can give you one good reason will you forgive me?” This sounded like Sunday-school talk and Jep felt the seriousness of it. “Of course, I will, Mollie, but—” he hesitated. "The reason is. Jep, “she inter rupted, “that you never asked me.” After that it was so plain that even Jep could grasp the situation, which he did. including Mollie. (Copyright, 1309, by W. G. Chapman.) The Subardency of the Manifest By J. W. FOLEY. Being inspired to nobler and higher i things. Mrs. I'ptosnuf laid oft her cor sets. gave her switch to the cook, in vested her feet with fiat-heeled broad soled shoes and became a clubwoman. The switch was brown and the cook's hair was red, but Mrs. Upto snuf's generosity did not aim to be logical. To Mrs. I'ptosnuf was assigned the task of preparing a paper on the Sub ardency of the Manifest—an engaging topic, to be sure. She did not know what it might he, hut it was splendid ciub stuff and gave her much oppor tunity to make a hit. I In the meantime, there was the 1 baby, to whom the Subardency of the ; Manifest was not so necessary ss oc casional baths and unccutaminated j milk. Mrs. I'ptosnuf engaged a nurse i girl from Mrs. Fuzzywuff's School for Daughters of Splendid Families in Temporarily Reduced Circumstances. The nurse girl’s name was Clarissa ami she was shy. sweet anil unsophis I ticated as her name. ”1 will be just | as good to it as its own mother." she i declared, when she saw the baby, which was saying much or little, as I you choose. Then she goo-gooed to the baby and Mrs. Uptosnuf went to , the club meeting perfectly satisfied the baby was in competent hands. For ha! she not seen the Fuzzywuff di ! ploma? "And nurse." Mrs. I'ptosnuf called ; back from the front hallway, where ! she stood with a bulky manuscript, j tied with yellow and white ribbon ■ i club colors I, "you might give baby a : bath this afternoon and then put him | in his little bed.” Now the Fuzzywuff school, being for the daughters of Splendid Families in Temporarily Reduced Circumstances, taught much of removing spots from soiled velvet but little of bathing ba bies, and Clarissa pondered much and long. How to prepare a bath? She had never seen it in the Fuzzywuff manual | of domestic forms. She would see the cook. But the cook must not know she was ignorant. She must inquire diplomatically. So she went timidly down to the cook with the red hair and the blown switch and asked her how to prepare a bath for soft and delicate things—something that would cleanse thoroughly and not injure the softest fabrics. Clarissa was a horn diplomat. When the cook told her. she went back up stairs and rejoiced much. So baby had his bath and was put in liis little bed. But when Mrs. Uptosnuf returned from the club, there was much commo tion and running to and fro. Baby had erupted with a rash re sembling measles or scarlet fever. The family doctor was summoned hastily, looked long and marveled much. “'Let me see the nurse,” he said gruffly. Clarissa came timidly, but with that calm confidence born in the Fuzzywuft diploma. Being a plain man the doc tor said: “What in blazes did you put on the baby?” And being a truthful r 'rLI » “She Went Timidly Down to the Cook.” girl an«l thoroughly competent to speak in polite circles, Clarissa said "I bathed him in one gallon of warm water, a bar of shaved soap, a quart | of gasoline and a teacupful ol borax.” Which was the cook's favorite pre scription for delicate fabrics. So the doctor wrote a prescription and handed it to Mrs. Cptosnuf, headed. "For Mrs. Uptosnuf’s Baby,’ and which read: (Rx» Personal attention of mother, 24 hours. Sig: Apply every day. And for Clarissa he advised light work in the family laundry where her genius might flame unquenched. But when the brute Uptosnuf heard of it, he kicked the Subardency of the Manifest into the grate, where the yel i low and white ribbon (club colors) perished miserably, i (Copyright 1909. by W. G. Chapman ! Spend Much for Amusement Twenty-Five Millions Are Invested in Parks in This Country. "It costs a lot of money to build and operate an amusement park on a large 'scale,” says Frederic Thomp son. in Everybody’s. "I suppose that more than $25,000, 000 are invested in these parks in this country. Dreamland on Coney island cost about $2,500,000. Riverview Park and the White City in Chicago cost about a million each. ‘‘Luna park cost $2,400,000. The total annual expenses, including the cost of rebuilding, of putting in new shows and the operating expenses, average about a million dollars, and the season lasts four months. I spent $240,000 on one show, of which $68, 000 was for animals, mostly elephants and camels—it was the representation of the Indian durbar—and I lost $100, 000 on it. I charged the loss up to education, c-d it was worth it. It costs $5.60o a week to light Luna park, and $4,500 for the music. The salaries of the free performers this season are '”,300 a week. And all of these expenditures, as well as a good many others, go simply to manufac ture the carnival spirit.” Don t look at life through smoked glasses. The sunlight will e - agthen your eyes and stimulate yo^. spirit. GOT TO THE CAUSE And Then All Symptoms of Kidney Trouble Vanished. C. J. Hammonds, 517 S. Hill St., Fort Scott, Kansas, says: “I was operated uu iui aiune in me kidney but not cured and some time after was feeling so bad that I knew there must be another stone that would have to be cut out. I decided to try Doan’s Kidney Pills anti tne Kidney action improved right away. Large quantities of sediment and stony particles passed from me, ind finally the stone itself, part dis solved, but still as big as a pea. With it disappeared all symptoms of dizzi ness, rheumatism and headaches. I have gained about 50 pounds since and fee! well and hearty.” Sold by all dealers. 50 cents a box. Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, X. Y. WOMAN'S WORTH. Wiley—I see by this paper that a man in America sold his wife for a shilling. Hubby—Well, if she was a good one she was worth it. AGONIZING ITCHING. Eczema for a Yea-—Cot No Relief Even at Skin Hospital—In Despair Until Cuticura Cured Him. “I was troubled with a severe itch ing and dry, scrufy skin on my ankles, feet, arms and scalp. Scratching made it worse. Thousands of small red pim ples formed and these caused intense itching. I was advised to go to the hospital for diseases of the skin. I did so, the chief surgeon saying: “I never saw- such a bad case of eczema.” But I got little or no relief. Then I tried many so-cal!e'4 remedies, but I became so bad that I almost gave up in despair. After suffering agonies fer twelve months, I was relieved of the almost unbearable itching after two or three applications of Cuticr-a Ointment. I continued its use, combined with Cuti cura Soap and Pills, and I was com pletely cured. Henry Searle, Little Rock, Ark., Oct. 8 and 10, 1907.” Potter Dreg & Cbcm. Corp., Sole Preps., Boston. Rabbinical Wit. An English rabbi was asked if there was any weighty reason against hav ing a clock in the synagogue. "By no means,” was the reply. "Have your clock, but put it outside the building, and then you can tell how late you come to the service.” Two rabbis were passing the beautiful synagogue In which one of them officiated. 'How I envy you!” said the first. "You must be in a paradise.” "Hold, friend!” the second explained. “In the original paradise there was only one serpent, but in this congregation are man}- of them.” A Friendly Pointer. "What.” asked Arizona Al, when the new editor had taken charge of The Daily Rattlesnake, "is goin’ to he your policy?" "My policy, my friend, is going to be, to tell the truth according to my lights, and let the chips fall where they may.” "Stranger, that’s a good policy, but be sure before you go to press that you've got your lights adjusted to suit all parties. This is a had place for people that gits the wrong focus.” All pleasure must be bought at the price of pain. For the true the price Is paid before you enjoy it; for the false after you enjoy it.—Foster. Lewis’ Single Rinder made of extra qual ity tobacco, costs more than other 5c cigars. Tell the dealer you want them. Marriage will change a man’s views quicker than anything else. Graham Crackers at their Best There are no better Grahams than “Sunshines” —none half sc- good. Sunshine Grahams are made of the best whole wheat graham flour, at the “Sunshine” bakeries— the finest in the world. The ovens are of white tile and are on the top floor—sunshine and pure air all around them. Sunshine Grahams Each package is protected by the triple seal. So you can be sure they are clean—pure and wholesome. The “Sunshine Seal'’ on the end is proof of the genuine. Be sure it’s there. You miss the best in Grahams — ’til you try“Sun shines.” At your gro cer’s in 10c seal ed packages |opSE-WILES Biscuit co. Ate a Chick with Big Eyes. A trainman is telling an incident that occurred on a Mohawk & Malone train up in the woods the other day. The train was standing on a siding waiting the arrival and passing of an other train when an Italian walked through the coach, his hands crossed on his stomach and his head wagging from side to side in a doleful manner. "What's the matter, John?’’ some one inquired. “Oh, me sick—me sick as dev," re plied the man, rolling his head still more distressingly and continuing the rubbing of his stomach. "Sick? Well, what you been eat ing?” asked the sympathetic passen ger. “Eata de chick with the big eyes." responded John, as his groans in creased. John had killed an owl the night before and it didn’t agree with him.— Utica Observer. Sheer white goods, in fact, any fine wash goods when new, owe much of their attractiveness to the way they are laundered, this being done in a manner to enhance their textile beau ty. Home laundering would be equal ly satisfactory if proper attention was given to starching, the first essential being good Starch, which has sufficient strength to stiffen, without thickening the goods. Try Dofiarice Starch and you will be pleasantly surprised at the improved appearance of your work. Precocious. Smill Girl—Why doesn't baby taik, father? Father—He can't talk yet, dear. Young babies never do. Small Girl—Oh, yes they do. Job did. Nurse read to me out of the Bible how Job cursed the day he was born.—Tit-Bits. A Rare Good Thing. "Am using ALLEN'S FOOT-EASE, and ran truly say 1 would not have been with out it so long, had I known the relief it would give my aching feet. 1 think it a rare good thing for anyone having sore or tireil feet—Mrs. Matilda Holtwert, Providence, R. i." Sold by all Druggists, 25c. Ask to-day. Certainly Not. Hewitt—It isn't fair on the face of It Jetvitt—What isn’t? Hewitt—A brunette. ‘V Try Marine Eye Remedy ! For Red, Weak, Weary, Watery Eyes. : Compounded by Experienced Physicians. : Conforms to the Pure Food and Drugs Law. Murine Doesn't Smart. Soothes Eye Pain. Try Murine for Your Eyes. When lawbreakers become law makers they will naturally make laws that are easy. Lack Means to Fioht Tuberculosis. Homer Folks of New York city re cently stated before the National asso- i ciation for the Study and Prevention of Tuberculosis that there are in the Foiled States at the present time 75, 000 cases < i tuberculosis in advanced stages of the disease, every on" of whom should be isolated in hospitals. ] but there are al the t resent time not anj thing like enough hospital beds for these cases In the country. With a smooth iron and Defiance Starch, you can launder your shirt waist just as well at home as the steam laundry can: it will have the proper stiffness and finish, there will be less wear and tear of the goods, and it will he a positive pleasure to use a Starch that does not stick to the iron. Stuck. Gunner—Why in the world do the fellows around this club allude to old Foggman as "Mr. Automobile?” He's not swift, is he? Guyer—Just the opposite. It’s a po lite way of calling him old "Stick in the Mud.’ ” A ccld on the lungs doesn't usually amount to much, but it invariably pre cedes pneumonia and consumption. Ham lins W'i-ard (Id applied to the chest at once will break up a cold in a night. Many a man's boasted bravery has gene lame .when his wife suggested that he visit the kitchen and fire the cook. Mrs. YVinsiow’s Soothing Syrup. For children teetMnv. sofiens tbe gim.g, reduces :n Lltnm.bi.ou. allays pain, cures wind colic. gScabott Le. When a woman doesn't have her say it is because she is dumb. Few:-' Single loader straight- 5c—II my smokers ptc-icr them to 10c- e.gars. Pride sometimes has to go before people fall in love. ALCOHOL 3 PER CENT. A^gelablePreparaiionfcls s imitating tteroodantllteia ImgUte Stomachs andBowJsof ifoinranteed under the Ft Infants /Children Atb monlhs old Doses -35CENTS Promotes DigesKon-Otccrfur ness and Rest.Conlains neither Opiuni.Morpliine nor Mineral. Not Narcotic. fitcipt of Oil Dr£414HnMm Pumpkin Sttd“ jd/xJemta * MM/e Sdfc jinisiSad * Ppptmaif EiCattocmlc Stint him Sit'd - Aperfect Remedy forCrnisfip lion, Sour Stomadi.D'.arrtoea Worms ,Convalsions.Fevcri$h ness ajulLOSS OF SLEEP. Facsimile Signature oC NEW YORK. Exact Copy of Wrapper, The Kind Ton Have Always Bought, and which has been in use for over SO years, Las homo the signature of and has been made under his per sonal supervision since its infancy. Allow no cue to deceive you in this. All Counterfeits, Imitations and “ Just-as-good” are but Experiments that trifle with and endanger the health of Infants and Children—Experience against Experiment. What is CASTORIA Castorie, is a harmless substitute for Castor Oil, Pare goric, Drops and Soothing Syrups. It is Pleasant. It contains neither Opium, Morphine nor other Narcotic substance. Its ago is its guarantee. It destroys Worms and allays Feverishness. It cures Diarrhoea and Wind Colic. It relieves Teething Troubles, cures Constipation and Flatulency. It assimilates the Food, regulates the Stomach and Dowels, giving healthy and natural sleep. The Children’s Panacea—The Mother’s Friend. GENUINE CASTORIA ALWAYS The Kind You Have Always Bought In Use For Over 30 Years THE CENTAUR COVHNT. TT 4URRAT CVAEET. NEW TOUR CITY. W. N. U., OMAHA, NO. 25-1909. Do You Feel Run Down ? If so, you are an easy victim of disease. You can avoid danger if you build up your system with the natural strength-giver— DR. D. JAYNE’S TONIC VERMIFUGE which helps your body do its own building up. It puts the whole diges tive system in a perfect condition. Regulates the stomach, imparts new vigor and health to the tissues. Your Druggist has it. Two nizet, 50c anti 35c SICK HEADACHE Positi vely cured b> these Little Pills. Thrv also relieve Dis tress from Dyspepsia, Iu digestion a ml Too Hearty Eating. A perfect rem edy for Dizziness, Nau sea, Drowsiness, Bad • Taste in the Mouth. Cuafc hI Tonjjne, Paia in the Side, TORPID LIVER wels. Purely Vegetable SMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE. SMALL PRICE. CARTERS VPlTTLE IVER PILLS. They regulate the Bo Genuine Must Bear Fac-Simile Signature REFUSE SUBSTITUTES. & THE ROOF is the most important part of any building you put up. If yon put on some rooting that has to he laid just,so, and dressed every so often, you are inviting trouble. I'se Washington Red Cedar Shingles and insist upon every bundle bearing this mark. It means 10 inches of clear shingle. 3?^ go * 5/q fj ” A*- l)A.O J i \a\w\.,wAs\Vi •' r. ASK YOUR DEALER V _, SOUR STOMACH “I used Cascarets and feel like a new man. I have been a sufferer from dys pepsia and sour stomach for the iast twe years. I have been taking medicine and other drugs, but could find no relief only for a short time. I will recommend Cascarets to my friend*; as the only thing for indigestion and sour stomach and tc keep the bowels in good condition They are very nice to eat.” Harry Stuckley, Mauch Chunk, Pa. Pleasant, Palatable. Potent, Taste Good, Do Good. Never Sicken, Weaken or Gripe, 10c. 25c. 50c. Never sold in bulk. The gen uine tablet stamped C C C. Guaranteed to cure or your money back. 326 LIVF STOCK AND MISCELLANEOUS Electrotypes IN GREAT VARIETY FOR.- SALE t>lT THE LOWEST PRICES BY WESTERN NEWSPAPER UNION 73 W. Adams St., Chicago Ur. McINTOSII celebrated Natural (Uterine Supporter {rives Immediate relief. Sold by all min jrieal Instrument dealers ari l leading driijorists tn Cnited States ant Canada ('ataltv. price list and particulars mailed on application. THE HASTINGS £ McINTOSH TKl'SS CO, To prevent that tired feeling on ironing day—Use Defiance Starch saves time—saves labor—saves annoy ance, will not stick to the iron. The big 1G oz. package for 10c, at year grocer's. 912 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., manufacturers of trus«»»§ and sole makers of the tienuine stumped “McIntosh ’ Supporter.