With the World9*? Great Humorists Selections from the Writings of the 'Best Kjnobun Makers of Mirth. While the Tee Cooled. By J. W. Foley. “I sincerely hope." said Mr. Rocke feller, drawing his golf ball through a valuable imported hydrangea bush, "that this rash young man—what is his name—Teddy velt — Teddyrooze— no—Roosevelt—i have such a poor memory for names—may come to no harm. Where is he going, did I under stand yon to say—up in New England somewhere?" Africa." corrected the press cor respondent. who was consuming time worth $2-t."8 a second. Africa." mused Mr. Rockefeller, j combing his golf ball out of the hy- j drangea bush and setting it on a new j tee. Has Wall street moved over j there? Why should any man go to ; Africa when we have such golf links at home?” and he cast a loving glance j over the stretch of greensward. "Is there anything you would like to say—?" began the press correspond ent timidly. The greatest need, of the world to day." said Mr. Rockefeller, calculat ing the swing with which to drive the ball far into space "is love—human love—real, brotherly affection between man and man. I think this has been said before, but it is true—true as the everlasting blue of the sky that—” "But about Roosevelt?" said the tress correspondent. "Will it make any difference, now that he is gone?" "With the population." suggested the Oil King, calmly, "it will make a difference of one, surely," and he j smiled a friendly smile. “I am very : much interested in this young man —Trozeted—Teddyrose—I always for get that name. He will make his mark, some day—indeed he is al ready in a fair way to be-er—I might say—measurably distinguished—but I fear his being out of the public eye will retard his advance. He was at one time, I believe, in the government service at Washington—I have read his name, it seems to me. iu connec tion with some lawsuits, have I not? My memory is not as keen as it was once. I am sure." The press correspondent gasped. H r;M "Dear, Dear. Such a Visit.” "He was president,” he exclaimed. Mr. Rockefeller tapped liis toe with his golf stick. "To he sure." he cried. "A golf enthusiast forgets everything, you see, but his links and bogey. I re member now he sent me a bill one time—some 529.o00.000—a trivial mat ter that I had almost forgotten till you recall it by this mention of the presidency. I forgot now what it was for—possibly an over-charge on a light ' bill or something. I remember I gave it to the book-keeper and told him to 'ook it up and make a check if it was all right. I will look it up in the petty ledger. If he was going so 'ar possibly he may have needed the money. I do hope he may not be in convenienced by any oversight of ours. Will he be away long?” ‘•A year and a quarter,” explained the correspondent. • Dear, dear, such a visit,” exclaimed ;he Oil King. "We shall miss him sore ly. But the good people of Mexico will be the gainers, and they—” "Africa,” corrected the press corre spondent. "He has gone to Africa, not Mexico, you know.” "To be sure—Africa,” related the Oil Magnate. "These barbarous lands— Africa. Missouri. Chicago—I get them all confused. Still I have no complaint against the Africans—so far as I know they are a mild, tractable and I congenial people. Do they golf?” "I am sure I don't know,” returned | the interviewer. "I am not up on the Africans. But Roosevelt has not gone to Africa to golf. He has gone to hunt wild animals.” Mr. Rockefeller rubbed his scalp re flectively. "There are some trophies ! • hat are very precious to their owners that are still out of the government's hands,” he said. "I have a great deal of sympathy for hunted animals, you ; know. I could not bear to think of a timid hippotamus bleeding in its nest, while its mate was bearing home a worm for supper, unaware of the trag edies of sport. I wish you would say for me that this young man—Teddy velt I think you said*—should be merci ful. and that I wish him a long jour ney. and if it is a question of funds l shall giadly defray any necessary ex pense to prolong his trip. Alas, the l>oor hippoiiotamif—’ (Copyright, 1309, by W. G. Chapman.) Ci Mother Goose11 with a Moral By Will S. Gidley. l am engager m tae praiseworthy task of constructing a brand new “Mother Goose”—a “Mother Goose" with a moral on every page. I am do ing this to fill a Icng-felt want and an empty pocket hook. They say “virtue is its own reward." hut a slight recom pense in the way of cash comes in handy when a f^Jlow goes to buy gro ceries or pay the gas bills. So I shall expect the public—and especially the j parents of the rising generation—to rally to my support and buy my re constructed “Mother Goose" in prefer ence to all others. I presume there is no boy alive and §njoying good health who has not at some time in his career longed to be a pirate. But let him once read "The Sad End of Pirate Pete,” and gaze on j “A Needed Lesson and Warning.” the accompanying: illustration, in the "Mother Goose With a Moral,” and that longing will be gone forever. The picture will represent the pirate swinging from the yard-arm of his own vessel, having been captured and executed for piracy on the high seas il intended to enclose a cut of this thrilling scene, but the artist has not yet succeeded in getting the pirate hung to his satisfaction—the artist's satisfaction, I mean, so I am not able ! to do so) and beneath this iilustration will be found the following explantory ! lines: THE SAJ> END OK PIUATE PETE. A pirate bold, in days of old, I'id sail tlie raging main; Ilis name complete was Pirate Pete, His ship the Mary Jane. One day. alas! it came to pass Tiiis pirate shed some blood; And then 'tis said, they killwd him dead, i And changed his name to Mud! These verses and the picture com bined will pretty effectually dissipate the youthful longing to be a pirate. I imagine, oven in the most hardened; and then on the next page of my in valuable publication I shall turn my at tention to inculcating a needed lesson ami warning to the gory-minded | youngsters whose chief ambition in life is to become a great Indian slayer, like Buffalo William, Kit Carson, Daniel Boone and the rest of the long haired and intrepid pioneers and scouts that we read about in the hero besprinkled pages of history. rhe lesson ana the warning will loom up in print as follows: THE FATE OF TOMMY TENDERFOOT. I-itt!• Tommy Tenderfoot, what did lie do? Went out west for to fight the Sioux! I-ittle Tommy Tenderfoot met the savage This's the way he looked when they got through! Here 1 shall give a realistic cut of Tommy lying on his back, "horse do come back,” or words to that effect, punctuated with arrows and in a mussed-up condition generally—a pic Selling a Poem By W. J. Lampton. The editor was busy at his dr‘sk. Roused by a signal cough he raised his eyes anil saw before him a husky looking man, bowin* with the suavity of a cleric. “Are you the editor?” he inquired courteously. "I am,” responded the editor with no apparent warmth of manner nor pride in the announcement. “Is there anything I can do for you?” “I don't know yet. I have a poem which—” “Oh. well,” the editor interrupted, "I can t. We don't buy poytry.” "But, my dear sir,” expostulated the visitor, “did I say you did? Let me answer my own question.” he went on, waving off the editor's farther at tempts, “I did not.” Seating himself unabashed, he pre pared to unfold a roll of manuscript as long as "Paradise Lost.” “As I was about to remark, I have a poem here which—” “What's the use of showing it to me,” insisted the editor. “We do not buy poetry.” “Just so, just so.” admitted the vis itor. sweetly, “I state my case and you state yours. It is admirable. Will you have a drink?” This was a variation which took the editor by surprise. At the sanij time it gave him an unexpected opportunity which he was not slow to grasp. “Thank you,” he said, rising, “I will.” “That sounds reasonable,” said the visitor, with a pleased smile, “and we will finish our discussion elsewhere." “What will you take?" inquired the visitor-host when they had lined up one deep, in front of the mahogany. “Beer.” said the editor briefly. "A vile compound," commented the visitor, “but it's good enough for me. Two beers, Mr. Barkeeper.” They poured the potation down with “hows" of mutual regard as far as ap pearances went. Have another?” said the visitor. “Don't care if I do,” responded the editor. They were disposed of with prompti tude. “Have another?" urged the visitor. “Have two more. What's a few beers between friends?” “I don't want any more.” the editor protested, growing rancorous. “I never drink at this hour.” "Neither do I,” said the visitor calmly. “Well, what in thunder did you ask me down here for?" The visitor began unfolding his manuscript and out of the center of the roll he took a four-line stanza ; which he handed to the editor, i “ What'll you give?” he inquired in j true trader fashion. ■T’m-er," said the editor looking it over critically, "I'll go you a quarter on it.” “It's yours.” responded the visitor with a sad smile of sacrifice. "Now please put your name to this,” and he passed over a slip on which was writ u “That Sounds Reasonable,” Said the Visitor. ten: “Your poem is accepted.” The editor saw no harm in compliance and signed his name officially. He was get ting out of it a whole lot better than he thought he would. He went down ! into his pocket and brought out two | dimes and a nickel. The visitor re | turned him the nickel. “What’s this for?” inquired the editor, nonplussed. “The drinks are on you.” grinned the visitor, dropping his previous smooth manner. “You see a friend of mine bet me 120 that I couldn't sell any poetry to you and I want to break even. You buy the drinks and he pays the bet, see? But I thought when you accepted my invitation to drink that I hail lost out,” he added with a laugh in which the editor joined, and asked him to call again. (Copyright, 1903, by W. G. Chapman.) ture well calculated ;.o discourage even : the most ambitious and daring of youths from going west with the idea of exterminating the wily aboriginals —what few we have left. There will be many other striking and valuable lesons in juvenile ethics embodied in the pages of the revised "Mother Goose,” but I refrain from giving them here. Enough has already been printed to demonstrate that this is a work that must indubitably prove of the greatest utility in domesticating the rising generation and teaching them that the poet was merely stating the frozen and irrefragable truth when he gave utterance to the now familiar and famous remark—"There's no place like home.” (Copyright. 1909, by W. G. Chapman.) INTO SERE AND YELLOW LEAF - 41___ Eighteenth Century Women Seem to Have Willingly Settled Down. In an English novel of the eigh teenth century the author thus refers to & certain woman: ‘‘.She had reached the age of 35, an age beyond which no woman can hope either to feel or in spire deep affection.” In one of Jeorge Meredith’s early novels he re fers to a character as a woman “on the criminal side of 30.” A Boston [ woman in the last century, after reach ing the age of 30, put on, over her abundant natural hair, a false front and a cap. These were the outward and visible signs of the matronly ma turity she had reached. She gave up at the same time all the gayer forms of social intercourse. She confined herself thereafter to the mild and elderly variety. She had "come out” into Boston society at 15. After two years of social gayeties she had mar ried. At 30 she was the mother of eight children. She had lived the ac tive part of her life. In accordance with the conventions of her time she settled down to a life of vegetating domesticity. She was not an excep tion. She was the normal woman of her day, registering its customs, just as a good thermometer registers the temperature.—Appleton’s Magazine. NEW LIFE AND STRENGTH Obtained Through Proper Action of the Kidneys. Mrs. Josiah Straw, 526 X. Broadway, Canton, So. Dak., says: "I suffered for some time with rheumatic pains in my limbs and was weak and languid. The irregularity of the kidney secre tions also caused much annoyance. After using Doan's Kidney Pills I did not have these trou bles. They seemed to put new life and strength into my system anc’ helped me in every way. My husband had an experience almost the same, and it is with pleasure that we both recommend Doan's Kidney Pills.” Sold by all dealers. 50 cents a box. Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, X. Y. ONE AGREEMENT. Mr. Henpeck—It's no use. We can't agree on a single subject. Mrs. Henpeck—You're wrong, dear. I always agree with you on the weather. SKIN TROUBLES CURED. Two Little Girls Had Eczema Very Badly—In One Case Chi!*s Hair Came Out and Left Bare Patches. Cuticura Met with Great Success. ‘'I have two little girls who have been troubled very badly with eczema. One of them bad it on her lower limbs. I did everything that I could hoar of for her, but it did not give in until warm weather, when it seem ingly subsided. The nest winter when it became cold the eczema started again and also in her head where it would take the hair out and leave hare patches. At the same time her arms were sore the whole length of them. T took ter to a physician, but the child grew worse all the time. Her sister's arms were also affected. I be gan using Cuticura Remedies, and hv the time the second lot was used their skin was soft and smooth. Mrs. Charles Raker, Albion. Me., Sept. 21, ‘OS.” Potter Drug X Chem. Corp., Sole Props., Bcrtoa. A Slight Misunderstanding. The personally-conducted tourists were viewing the ruins of the Alham bra. "How inspiring!” rapturously ex claimed Mrs. Windfall. "Who built that castle?” "The Moors,” explained the guide. “The Moores?" repeated the near cultured lady. “oh. yes (turning to her husband*, some of their descendants are particular friends of ours, aren't they, George?”—Illustrated Sunday Magazine. The Grind That Dulls. If a scissors grinder kept his blade on the whetstone unceasingly the scissors would soon be useless. The grind that dulls women is not daily household duties. The housewife who is knowing keeps herself sharpened with frequent change and recreation. Important to Mothers. Examine carefully every bottle of CASTORIA a safe and sure remedy for infants and children, and see that it Bears the Signature of(_ In Cse For Over 30 Years. The Kind You Have Always Bought. Hypocrisy. Dr. Cook—Briggs, what is a hypo crite? Briggs, '12—A hypocrite is a stude who comes to freshman English class with a smile on his face.—Wisconsin Sphinx. Try Murine Eye Remedy For Red, Weak, Weary. Watery Eves. Compounded by Experienced Physicians. Conforms to the Pure Food and Drugs • -aw. Murine Doesn't Smart. Soothes Eye Pain. Try Murine for Y ed Tongne, Pain in the Side, TORPID LIVER. They regulate the Bowels. Purely Vegetable. SMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE. SMALL PiRICE. Genuine Must Bear Fac-Simile Signature REFUSE SUBSTITUTES. imrnmmc i m.m\. u^gar.1?^ am maewt*m wrw Red Cedar Stands Weather hotter than any other material. Never requires any attention after it is once laid. The best shingles come from Washington and when you see this mark it ' means that 10 inches of the I leneth is the best clear WASH i IN'GTON RED CEDAR. “I have been using Cascarets for In somnia, with which I have been afflicted for twenty years, and I can say that Cas carets have given me more relief than any other remedy I have ever tried. I shall certainly recommend them to my friends as being all that they are represented.” Thos. Gillard, Elgin, 111. Pleasant. Palatable. Potent. Taste Good. Do Good. Never Sicken. Weaken or Gripe. 10c. 2Sc, 50c. Never sold in bulk. The gen uine tablet stamped C C C. Guaranteed to cure or your money back. 334 W-,; 3*#: ,-j sv . f <:.•> —V. 5-5 «r/ •—'{» .t: |3Ssa^ (.•—•• -T4 '• :~'! ■• From a Sanitary Bakery Where the ovens are built of white tile, on the top floor — With fresh air and sunshine surrounding the whole place — In this clean, inviting spot, are baked — Takoma Biscuit The bakeries are the finest in the world— Compare them with the old - fashioned basement kind. you are glad you know where Takoma Biscuits are baked — They come in triple - sealed moisture* proof packages. At your grocer’s, 5 and 10c. lQOSB*^flLBS Biscuit Co. W. N. U.. OMAHA, NO. 21-1909. Western Canada MORE BIG CROPS IN ISC8 Another 60,000 set tlers from the United States. New dis tricts opened for set tlement. 320 acres ofland toeacb set t le r,— 1 60 free ' homestead ar.d 160 at $3.00 per acre. “A vast rich country ar.d a contented pro9 pcrous people."— E.xiraci 'rout ■ r* res/- r,w>: e a .\atirn.il Editor, xrhose ~As.; /«, ll'rftsrn Canada, in August, 1906, u;is an iusfit.iti. n. Many have paid the entire cost of their farms and had a balance of from $10.00 to $20.00 per acre as a result of one crop. Spring wheat, winter wheat, oats, barley, flax and peas are the principal crops, while the wild grasses bring to perfection the best cattle that have ever been sold on the Chicago market. Splendid climate, schools and churches in all localities. Railways touch most of the settled districts, and prices for produce are always good. Lands may also be pur thased from railway and land companies. For pamphlets, maps and informeticn re garding low railway rales, apply to Superin tendent oflmmigration, Ottawa. Canada, or the authorized Canadian Government Agent: W. V. BEHNTTT. Ml Hew fork Life Building. Omaha. Nehraita, E^BU-SY^ /ORLD WEARS S300 SHOES S350 The Season ! Make ardSrll More Men’s $3.06 and $3.50 Shoes Than Any Other Manulact iret itbecanse I givethe wearer thsbereftoftfca nr st complete organisation of train** ex perts aad skilledshoemakers Inthecbaa-rr The selection of the leather! for ear b part efrh* shoe, and every detail of the making in evc^y department, is looked after by the best shot makers In the shoe industry. If I could show yon how carefnlly W L.Dcnglaa shoes are made* yon would then understand why they held their shape, ft better, and wear iargar thaa any other make. My if'tluHt of Tannin-i the Stilt* mokts Ihtm V«*rr Flexible ami Longer Weal-turf f/5«r rim/ /.r. • Shoes for Itrcry Member of the Family. Men, Hoys Women. Miwen send t hiidreL Par sale b - shoedeali-r* rrertshfir. PlIITinilV >'*«« gesolse Without \\ . J.. l‘-n rlae 114# VIa na-ne and prl<*r ramimt on ■ Fast fol*»r Fyeleta u*ed ridsdwl;. tala !«-*•+ *ai ..l t -►*. w. l. doc j las i«; >rtka s*murr, bmk iths, «w. TOILET ANTISEPTIC -NOTHING LIKE IT FOR TUP TrCTU P*3®11* e*ce!i any ceahfrice * *•" ■ * ■■ in cleansing, whitening and removing tartar from the teeth, besides destroying all germs of decay and disease which ordinary tooth preparations cannot do. TUP BJftllTll ^>ixtinr u?ea' *’ a mouth * ■*“ IWWM I ■■ wish disinfects the mouth and throat, purifies the breath, and lulls the germs which collect in the mouth, causing sore threat, bad teeth, bad breath, grippe, and much sickness. TUP FYFQ when inflamed, tired, ache ■ •a" » ■ M and hum, may be instantly relieved and strengthened by Fax line. rATARDU Pax tine will destroy the germs IMIIHH that cause catarrh, heal the in flammation and stop the discharge. It is a sure remedy for uterine catarrh. Paxtine is a harmless yet powerful germicide,disinfectant and deodorizer, i Used in bathing it destroys rs and * leaves the body antiseptically dean. EOR SALE AT DRUG STORES,50c. j OR POSTRAID BY It AIL. LARGE SAMPLE FREE? THE PAXTON TOILET CO. BOSTON. MASS. DEFIANCE STUCK—!£."£££ —other (tarcim only 12 oascec-Miae price and “DEFIANCE’ IS SUPERIOR QUALITY.