With the World9s
Great Humoristf
Selections from the Writings of the 'Best Kjnotvn
Makers of Mirth.
Addison Spriggs, Friend
of the Toiling Masses
By S. E. Kiser.
Laying aside his paper, Addison
Spriggs leaned back in his chair and
indulged in solemn thought. Gradual
ly he became possessed of the con
viction that he had a duty to perform.
He had just read a “Household Hint”
in which it was candidly stated that
'.here was more sustenance in five
cents' worth of peanuts than in a
pound of beef. Having pondered for
a time he reached for his hat, saying:
“1 have no right to keep this knowl
edge from the oppressed and unen
lightened masses. It may be that I
have it within my power to become a
liberator. Indeed, I may have been
sent into the world for the purpose
of lifting the populace out of bondage.
Who knows that the chance which
placed the page containing that item
beneath my eye was not providential?
If the horny-handed son of toil may
by purchasing a five-cent bag of pea
nuts for his loved ones be relieved of
the necessity of submitting to the ar
rogance of the butcher we shall have
a social upheaval such as has never
hitherto been upheaved. It is my duty
to act.”
Clapping his hat upon his head, Ad
dison Spriggs went forth for the pur
pose of preaching the value of the
peanut and thereby dealing a death
blow to the meat trust. From a de
scendant of the Caesars he purchased
a bag of peanuts for the purpose of re
lieving distress and making such
demonstrations as might be necessary.
He had not proceeded far when he
perceived a poorly dressed woman
who was entering a butcher shop. Fol
lowing her inside, he waited for her
to give her order. A large red-faced
man with bloody hands, after sawing
through a bone, made a few deft
flourishes with a long knife, and then
flung a hunk of beef upon the scales.
“Just 80 cents’ worth,” he said.
“Anything else?"
“Madame,” said Mr. Spriggs, hold
ing out a double-jointed peanut, "do
you realize that you are indulging in
a foolish' waste of your husband’s
hard-earned cash? Does it occur to
you that in making this purchase you
“Permit Me to Call Your Attention to
This Edible.”
are presenting—and I speak advisedly
when I say presenting—75 cents to
the glutted possessors of predatory
wealth?”
He paused for the purpose of per
mitting the woman to get a full un
derstanding of his impressive words.
She gazed at him as if she remained
in doubt, while the butcher, with his
cleaver in his grasp, leaned across the
counter with a look that would have
caused a less determined man than
Addison Spriggs to await a more fa
vorable opportunity for the enlight
enment of the toiling masses. But he
was there to do his duty as an emanci
pator. whether it happened to be a
propitious time for emancipating or
not.
"Permit me.” he continued, "to call
your attention to this edible, and I
may say delicious, nut. When I say
that five cents' worth of peanuts will
afford to you and your children as
much nourishment as a pound of beef
I am but stating a fact which science
has demonstrated. Will you, then,
continue to encourage those who lead
the innocent bovine to the shambles,
who wantonly slay for their own ag
grandizement. who shamelessly foster
a taste for blood, and who demand
an outrageous profit at our expense?
Give back the pound, or, I should say
two pounds, of flesh that this man
would thrust upon you, and take to
your dear ones two bags of peanuts
such as I hold in my hand. You shall
not permit this man to press a crown
of thorns upon your brow. You have
it in your power to circumvent the
soulless corporation of which this per
son is the hired creature.”
He would have said more, but the
hired creature laid down his knife,
walked around a chopping block and,
grasping Addison Spriggs in the two
most convenient places, helped him
to leap from where he stood to the
middle of the sidewalk. There his
feet slipped in such an unfortunate
way as to make it impossible for him
to avoid falling upon his back in the
unattractive gutter. Owing to the
fact that his peanuts were scattered
when he went down he found when he
succeeded in getting upon his feet
again that he lacked materials for
making further demonstrations;
wherefore he returned to his office
firm in the conviction that toiling
masses that insisted upon standing
around and waiting to be saved did
not deserve saving.
(Copyright, 1906. by TV. G. Chapman.)
A Look Ahead
By R. K. Mjnkittrick.
me crocus now oegins to diow, or
to put it in more picturesque phrase,
its lamp of golden beauty is decorat
ing the wind-swept meadow, where it
gleams through the casual snow-drift,
until the two suggest in combination
a poached egg to the lively imagina
tion of the poet. The short-haired
dog is made happy by this sign that
winter has about made ready to wrap
the drapery of the buckwheat cake
and sausage about itself and give us
a chance to lie down to pleasant
dreams of the coming days when the
coal bill must dwindle into nest to
airy nothingness.
LI_L
The Circus Poster Will Shortly Dec
orate the Wayside Barn and Fence.
The skates, the bob sled aud the hot
drink are hung on the willow, and
the sealskin cap and sacque are seek
ing the camphorated peg of the pawn
broker. The ancient shanghai is
spreading herself over so many eggs
that she looks as flattened out as a
pancake, and seems in great danger
of overstretching her ligaments, or of
getting herself into proper shape to
be fried. And she thus keeps on
spreading as if she would finally out
spread the spread-eagle, and in so do
ing become eligible to shine on an
American coin. Pretty soon the young
ducks and the anemones will dot the
grass as they wobble about in the
hyacinthine whiskers of the zephyr,
which comes hurtling along full of
tender messages of lilacs and rhubarb
pie. The banging throb and thud of
the carpet beaters’ wand will soon rip
ple on the kalsomined bosom of the
wind, and the bluebird will' gurgle
and gargle forth its sweetest lay from
the dainty draperies of the land. The
whitewash will shortly be brewed,
and the ethiopian is already greasing
his arm and preparing it for business
even as is the baseball pitcher, who
is now in pickle in the mud bath of
the hot springs. .
And bow do we know all this?
Why, we know it because a subtle
mysterious something or other which
we cannot put down in cold words
tells us that the circus poster will
shortly decorate the wayside barn and
fence, and that the freshets of spring
medicine will flood the land in the
very near future. The tennis court is
beginning to take on a finer green to
tell us that the mince pie and pork
chop are about past due. And then
comes the blast of Martins discoursed
in his finest manner on his brand new
trumpet.—Or is it the horn of the
vender that pierces the air like a
schoolboy's shriek when school is out?
We do not know exactly which it is,
for the reason that it seems like both.
We listen and iisten and rejoice, for
the notes seem to shape themselves
into light and airy syllables which
echo in our hearts:
"Shad! Shad!! Shad!!! Fresh shad,
here you are!”
And so we know that shortly now
The birds will in the’ grove pipe;
And man. proud man, will very soon
Take down tile dash old stove pipe.
(Copyright, 1909, by VV. G. Chapman.)
An Exhibition of Nerve
By Peter Newell.
The other night I had a toothache
and stayed awake to see how it felt.
The ramifications of that tooth must
have been like the roots of a black
berry vine for the ache involved all
that portion of my anatomy lying
above my shoulders. Along about two
o’clock in the morning I decorated the
territory adjacent to the offending
molar with a coac of iodine till the
gum was blistered, and the atmosphere
adjacent with sulphur. And then I
had a toothache plus a blister. Well,
the night wore away but not so the
pain, and I decided to make an early
call on a near-by dentist. In accord
ance with this determination t pre
sented myself at Dr. Pullum’s office
door, and was received by the young
lady attendant and given a chair in
the midst of several other sufferers.
“What time i£ your appointment?"
said she as she handed me the morn
ing paper.
“I can’t tell you," replied I. “I forgot
to wind it. last night and it isn’t run
ning."
You see I can be facetious even un
der distressing circumstances.
And then I continued: “This is an
emergency case and comes in the class
of first aid to the injured."
"Oh, I understand," said she. “Tooth
ache."
In the course of an hour I wa3 ush
ered into the operating room and took
my place in the fatal chair. Dr. Pullum
made a preliminary examination with
a miniature crow-bar heated to incan
descence, as it seemed to me.
“It will be necessary to kill the
nerve," was his verdict.
“All right,’ said I; "go ahead with
the murder.”
And then he sank a shaft in the
tooth to a depth of about four feet
with a drill that buzzed like a cast
iron hornet in the throes of a brain
storm. Again he had recourse to the
crow-bar, or some other similar instru
ment of torture, and after a season of
exploration drew out the nerve be
tween his fore finger and thumb.
And then the excitement began.
The nerve bit him on the hand and
wriggled out of his grasp onto the
floor. He tried to step on it but the
thing eluded him and took refuge un
der a stand. Then he took an um
brella and poked at it and only suc
ceeded in overturning the stand, on
which were several sets of false teeth
besides a choice assortment of dental
instruments. One of the sets of false
teeth bit at the nerve, but in the con
fusion it escaped through the debris
and lodged in the gizzard of the dental
chair. Just then the young lady at
tendant came in to see what the riot
was about. She saw and with a little
scream hopped up on a cane bottomed
chair, and gathered her directoire
skirt about her.
"Don't be a fool, Miss Cooper,” said
the doctor. "Go and get me Rudolph's
ammonia gun.”
Miss Cooper obeyed with consider
111$flffiSPP tWtMItliHWHIi KPB
TVt«r K*««K
L
J
Then He Took an Umbrella and Poked
at It.
able alacrity, evidently considering
celerity of movement as tending to
promote her safety. Presently she re
turned with the gun and handing it
to her employer beat a hasty retreat.
1 he doctor stooped down and taking
careful aim at the nerve, which en
twined itself in the vitals of the chair,
pulled the trigger. Instantly there was
a muffled report and I, even though re
motely in range, was moved to tears
by the acrid fumes discharged from
the gun. However, through the mist
I was able to see the doctor grinding
the nerve to dust beneath his heel.
And then except for my smarting eyes,
I felt better and thanked my benefac
tor warmly for giving me relief.
The nerve of the thing!” muttered
he in response, and I went out re
flecting that my gratitude was rather
coldly received.
(Copyright. 1909, by W. G. Chapman.)
May Reclaim Hawaiian Land
United States Official Says 100,000
Acres There May Be Made Into
Valuable Farms by Irrigation.
Washington.—Giving the results of
observations made in a recent visit to
tbe Hawaiian islands. Director Newell
of the reclamation service says 't is
i robable that over 100,000 acres of
land now practically useless in the
islands may be reclaimed by irriga
lion. He says that on this basis it
vhuld.be possible to furnish 5,000
farms of 20 acres each, which would
provide for a population of about 20,
000 persons. He therefore recom
mends a systematic examination of
the preparation of a contour map.
“There probably is no land of the
United States where in as small an
area there is as great a diversity in
the quantity of water and ItB avail
ability as in Hawaii,” says Mr. Nowell.
"At one point the annual rainfall may
be over 300 Inches in depth; only a
few miles distant extreme aridity pre
vails. Even with the heavy rainfall
on the mountain slopes there are rela
tively few rivers. Much of the water
sinks Into the porous lava."
Needs Proper Backing.
“Hope,” said Uncle Eben, "Is a
blessln’ when you's willin' to back it
wif a little hard work ’slid o’ lettin’ It
play ltse'f out on u policy ticket.”
F©r mine
tlreeH
?
7J
The first costume is both smart and useful and is a style well-suited to
serge. Our model is in navy blue. The plaited skirt is cut in comfortable
walking length, and has the plaits stitched down about halfway. White cloth
Is used for the waistcoat fastened down the center by small buttons and but
tonholes. The fronts of coat are cut away and semi-fitting, fine braiding com
pletely edges coat, while buttons and cords add further trimming. The sleeves
are elbow length and quite loose, they are trimmed to match. Hat of stretched
satin, trimmed with beads and feathers.
Materials required: 8 yards serge 48 inches wide. 3 dozen buttons, 1 dozen
yards cord, 4 yards coat lining.
The second is a princess shape; cloth or serge might either be used,
straps of material trim the front of skirt part, two box-plaits are arranged
under the strap in front. Braiding trims the back and sides of bodice part,
the revers and cuffs, which are of some light cloth, the buttons are of
the same. Hat of light felt trimmed with ribbon and roses.
Materials required: 6 yards cloth, 46 inches wide, 4 buttons, 4 yards lin
ing, 1 dozen yards braid.
HIGH COLLARS ARE HARMFUL
Permanent Dark Mark Made If the
Neck Garniture Is Worn
Too High.
The fad of wearing extremely high
collars will have a hurtful effect upon
the flesh of the throat unless special
care Is given to prevent It. because
through stoppage of circulation, a con
dition brought about by high collars,
a permanent dark mark comes, and
some remedy to obviate the trouble
must be employed. It is not expected
that a girl will select a neck dressing
that is a misfit But she may take the
happy medium of one that is not too
close to her throat. For example, if
13 is the usual size, it is the part of
wisdom to take 13^4 when the height
of the linen is excessive. It is pre
cisely the same theory that causes one
to wear longer boots when the toes are
excessively pointed.
In order to preserve its roundness
and softness the throat must have
some air and freedom of movement.
Undoubtedly an aid to freshness is
occasionally to change the style of
collar worn and for a day to use one
that is not extreme. Thi3 relaxes and
tones muscles that may have become
cramped.
SKIRTS WIDER AT THE HEM
Are a Distinct Improvement on the
Tight Garment That Ex
tremists Favored.
The absurdly narrow skirt that one
could hardly step in and that was only
worn by the extremists, fashionable or
otherwise, has had its day. AH the
new skirts have width at the hem.
Even the street ones are three and four
yards wide, and the house ones are
from six to seven yards at the hem.
They are not lined or#stiffened or
worn over petticoats, but they have a
graceful fullness. They are not held
back by elastics, and give no appear
ance of the grotesque.
They are quite ample, easy to walk
In and more graceful on every figure
than the extra tight ones.
There are all sorts of rumors that
tie new skirt at the Paris races will
be ten yards wide, but if one listened
to ali rumors these days no one would
buy a gown with any feeling of se
curity.
To Keep Rugs Flat.
Girls who have a habit of shuffling
their feet, thereby incurring frequent
scoldings for kicking up rugs, wjll find
life pleasanter if they cut triangles of
medidm weight cardboard, and sew
them on the under side of rugs at each
corner.
The Linen Bag.
This summer milady will carry a
linen handbag to match or correspond
with each of her gowns.
Those already seen are of white or
daintily colored linen, beautified by
charming designs soutached and hand
embroidered. Plaited soutache forms
pretty and wear-well handles.
An ingenious woman could easily
desig* one of these. She could pat
tern it over one of the new leather
handbags and use the frame of a dis
carded bag for a foundation.
These handbags are easily laun
dered and are exceedingly good
looking. _
Even the Veils Have Fringe.
The craze for fringe has reached
veils, and all the big new one3 are
heavily bordered, sometimes with one
row and sometimes with two. If the
veil is of the changeable chiffon a
stunning effect in color is produced by
the border of fringe having precisely
the same hues. On the frailer net
veils, which cover a wide range in col
or. the fringe matches in shade.
Overdresses of one sort or another
are seen everywhere on the more elab
orate gowns.
ALTERING AN EVENING GOWN.
Scheme Very Much In Fashion and
One That Is Quite Easy to
Carry Out.
If the girl who indulged in a scanty,
slimly cut sheath gown last winter
wants to change it a bit to give more
of the classic suggestion, she can do
this by using two veils as drapery.
The idea is very much in fashion
and is easy to carry out. The veils
themselves are often used by high
priced dressmakers instead of buying
chiffon cloth and hemming it. The
veils have a selvage which makes
them quite effective.
One of the attractive ways of
draping them is to catch one at each
shoulder, drawing it up under the
arm and fastening on top with a paste
buckle. The edges lower down may
be lightly caught together over the
arm a little above the elbow\ This
gives filmy but straight drapery from
shoulder to hem which puts one in the
picture this season.
Again, an extra long veil is drooped
across the back and caught at the
back of each shoulder with a buckle
and t Is left to hang straight.
SUITABLE IN MANY MATERIALS
W! “ * r- '
Cashmere, serge or any cloth, as
long as It Is the same as used for
skirt, would make up well for the over
bodice. Three tucks are made on each
shoulder both back and front; they are
stitched down a few inches. A mate
rial strap stitched at each edge and
trimmed with embroidered spots edges
the opening and is also taken down
the front over the fastenings. The
oversleeve is trimmed in the same
way.
Materials required; 1% yards 46
Inches wide, 2 buttons.
Linen and Canvas for Book Covers.
Attractive adjuncts to the living
room are magazine covers made from
heavy linens and craftsman’s canvas.
For the postcard albums the latter fab
ric is preferred. Both materials can
be had in a variety of colors, and an
applique of cretonne is a popular form
of decoration.
Book covers in a cool gray linen,
adorned with a spray of purple or
chids cut from cretonne, are pretty,
and so are those in terra cotta crafts
man's canvas, displaying a swastika
cross cut from cretonne in dull ori
ental colorings.
The Shirred Hat.
The shirred hats will claim atten
tion. There are models with shirred
crowns, and others with shirred brims,
and again there are hats which are all
shirring. Finally, the big ribbon bow,
or rather the bunch of drooping ribbon
loops that fall under the brim in the
back of the hat is a conspicuous mil
linery feature that will figure on many
of the simpler hats for outings and
practical purposes generally.
SAVE WASTE WATER BY
INSTALLING POWER PUNTS
Millions of Gallons of Water on Farms Can Be Harnessed
and Power Utilized; Plans Showing Plant—
By R. M. Winans.
The only obstruction to universally
installed individual water power plants
<»n the farm is that not every farm is
blessed with running water to furnish
the power. Hut there are thousands of
farms in the United States which
have running water that can be har
nessed and made to work.
The government has been taking a
census of the available water power
in the union, and a report will be is
sued in the course of a few months
showing that there is at present going
to waste something over 50,000,000
horse power that might be developed
from the streams and fields of the
country, exclusive of Niagara. Some
of this, of course, is available to the
farms that are near the streams enter
ing into the calculations, but little, if j
\
of this work may be done. The cost
of concrete for the dam may be largely
eliminated by the use of timbers and
plank in its construction, merely using
enough concrete in which to embed
the timbers and cover the planking, to
protect front decay. In some sections
where small timber is available am!
in some cases desirable to remove
from the land, the dam may be built
of logs very cheaply and substantially.
The gasoline engine was probably
Ute pioneer in furnishing light power
for the farm; yet it has been conclu
sively proved by farm water-power
plants recently installed that where
small, even very small, water powers
are available, the gasoline engine Is
not to be compared to them in the
matter of economy, practicability and
Fig. 1.—Ground Plan of Plant.
any, account is taken of the minor
streams, the babbling brooks and rap
id-flowing creeks that run through
thousands of farms unintercepted on
their idle way to the ’sea.
It does not require the thunderous
rush and swirl of a Niagara to drive a
turbine large enough to furnish power
for the use of a farm. The most inno
cent-looking, spring-fed brooklet hav
ing the proper fall will be ample to
serve the purpose of meeting every
power requirement of the average
farm, providing, of course, that it can
be suitably dammed and a sufficient
head given to the penned-up water in
the reservoir. From three to six feet
will give a working head of water to
drive a turbine that will furnish
an electrical generator.
On hundreds of farms with which
the writer is acquainted in a number
of states of uneven topography there
are many streams with volume and
fall sufficient to drive a turbine of from
50 to 200 horse power, and where the
power plants could be installed at rel
atively small expense. And the first
expense is practically the only ex
i- ' ' -
Fig. 2.—Water-Power Plant with Good
Head of Water.
pense in generations to come, except
one counts the cost of oil for the bear
ings and the renewal of brushes
(which are cheap) on the generator
once a year.
The main expense, wh*re the work
is done by contract or by specially
hired labor, is that of grading, of ex
cavating and filling; and the farmer is
at an advantage in this, that he often
has idle teams and labor that could
not be better employed during the
"slack” seasons, when most, if not all,
perfect convenience, to say nothing of
the matter of care and operation of
the engine, or the facility with which
the electric power from the turbine
dynamo may be transmitted to vari
ous buildings and points on the farm
for use at the same time.
Fig. 1 shows the ground plan of a
plant located near the dam and con
nected with an open wooden flume
and with a vertical turbine. This is
an excellent plan where the fall is
from three to six feet with a good sup
ply of wrater. With this type of tur
bine the generator or dynamo may
be placed overhead and driven by a
bevel gear. The foundation of th»*
power house should be of stone or
concrete, with heavy timber bases for
the turbine and dynamo, to insure
steady running without jar or vibra
tion.
A breakwater must be built at the
power house to prevent ice and debris
gathering or lodging across the outlet
or tail race. The dam should have
an apron of concrete or planks pro
tected with concrete, to prevent wear
ing and washing by the flow over the
spillway. A heavy boom is placed
across the entrance to the racks, to
guard against floating rubbish, and
close-barred racks must be built at
the entrance to the flume, to catch
leaves and small stuff that might clog
the wheel. A heavy gate or stop log
is set inside the racks, to regulate the
flow of water or to cut it off entirely.
Where there is the opportunity to
get a good head of water, the plant
and connection may be cheaply built,
as shown in Fig. 2. The flume in tlfts
case may be of sewer pipe of the
proper size, or a square wooden flume
heavily coated with some wood pre
servative may be used instead. This
drawing shows a vertical turbine with
a direct belt drive, which is cheaper
than the bevel gear. With the closed
flume arrangement the power house
may be located at any reasonable dis
tance from the dam or head of water.
Give Pigs Salt.—Do not wait till the
pig is dead before you give him salt.
He should have salt every day in his
life and then some rubbed in after he
is dead
LITTLE FEAR FOR
HOG MARKET
Winter Season Satisfactory Both
to Grower and Packer.
Little apprehension is now felt in
growing circles as to the status of the
summer hog market. The winter sea
son has been satisfactory to the
grower, if not to the packer. The lat
ter has accumulated a stock of pro
visions of considerable proportions at
an average cost of around six cents
for live hogs. He is naturally inter
ested in merchandising this stock at a
profit and the larger the profit the
better he will be satisfied.. Of a mar
ket he has no doubt. During the win
ter middlemen, both here and abroad,
have been sparing purchasers. Their
policy has been delay. As a middle
man said recently: “We can buy at
high cost any time and there never
has been a time this year when hog
product looked cheap.’’
Southern trade will be broad all
through the spring and summer
months, consumption of hog produce
has received impetus on account of
the high price of beef and mutton,
foreign dealers are becoming alert
and will be good buyers right along
while the populous east is calling on
the west for more hogs than last
year for fresh meat purposes, despite
the fact that prices have ruled two
dollars per hundredweight higher,
says the Breeders’ Gazette. Packers
have felt the pulse of trade and are
not advertising bargain sales. Seven
cent hogs are dear but they are pos
sible. Probably .he ^uyer will con
tinue his policy of economy by taking
light stuff, but this is no handicap to
the grower, as the hog he markets
short of maturity was made cheaply.
In trade opinion cashing hogs as fast
as they are decently fit for market is
good policy, but nobody believes delay
will be at the expense of financial re
sults. It is merely a question ot
economy in production.
A real clever woman makes it a busi
ness to appear dense at times.
