With the World's I Great Humorists Selections from the Writings of the Best Knotvn Makers of Mirth. A Philanthropic Soul By Thomas L. Masscn. vaicu ruuip&un, a millionaire, naa made a little gift of ten thousand dol lars to the Sunnyside hospital. While, of course, he shrank from any mani festation of gratitude, he learned that the trustees insisted upon having a semi-formal ceremony, and he had been requested to honor the hospital with his presence on this particular afternoon, in order that the thanks of the community at large, through the trustees themselves, might be con veyed to him properly. His automo bile was waiting outside to convey him to the place, and just before leaving he stepped to the telephone and called up his newsdealer. “Please have all the evening papers delivered to my house at five-thirty. ” “Very well, sir.” Mr. Pumpson then proceeded on his way. Mrs. Pumpsou. who knew him better even than the trustees of the community at large, smiled as she saw the car disappear around the first cor ner. t The ceremonies were simple, but effective. j The voice of the president trembled I as he thanked Mr. Pumpson. "This gift,” he said, “prompted by j that large-hearted generosity of which j the people of this country have hid so many examples, comes at just the i right moment. It enables us to add ; another ward to our over-crowded hos-1 pital. It is also a manifestation of' confidence in our institution, which I will doubtless lead to other gifts. How j can we adequately express our appre- ] ciation oi tne public which has— etc., etc.” Mr. Pumpson responded modestly, as was his wont. It gave him more pleasure than he could well convey. The welfare of the ailing had always appealed to him. As the science of hygiene ad vanced it became necessary that the modern methods should supersede the old-time crudities. He trusted that “A Visit of Inspection Was Made to the Various Wards.” his small contribution would be fol lowed by others, etc., etc. A collation was then served and a ( ■ ■■ - visit of inspection made to the var ious wards. Also the surgical apart ments and the operating rooms were all visited and explained. This took up more time than Mr. Pumpson had expected. It was nearly six o'clock before he returned to the house. He looked on the table in the hall He strode into the library. Then he suddenly ran up against his wife. “Where are the papers I ordered?'' “Papers? Did you order them?” “Certainly. I telephoned to have them delivered. They should have been here an hour ago.” Mr. Pumpson looked at his wife in quiringly. That lady held up her hands. “Dear me, I didn’t know you cared for those papers. I was sending up a lot of magazines and reading mat ter to the hospital this afternoon, and I stuck them in with the rest.” Her husband jumped up and down with his face purple. "What on earth did you do that for? Didn't I order those papers for my own use! What do you mean? How dare you do such a thing? I am in the habit of having my orders carried out!” He ran around the room like a mad man. His wife, smiling, reached under the table and suddenly brought forth a bundle. They looked like newspapers. They were. She held them toward him. “Forgive me, dear,” she said. “Here are those papers. I was just mean enough to want to know how much you really cared for that hospital.” (Copyright, 190S, by TV. G. Chapman.) The Chameleon’s Bite >' By H. M. Egbert. l always thought the inmates of an asylum were raving lunatics, la gen eral.” said the visitor at the institution tea-party; ‘and yet a pleasanter and more rational set of people than are here I've never encountered. Surely if you were to let your patients go out into the world again they would be ca pable of taking care of themselves?” “Yes, if they knew that they had a weak spot in their mental make-up. But they don’t know it and won't be lieve it. And when you touch them on the sore place they go off at a tangent. Were ycy thinking of anybody in par ticular?’’ l “Yes,” said the visitor. ‘ That gen tleman in the duck suit, for example. I've been watching him move about among the other patients and had quite I** "He’s Liable to Bite.” a chat with him, and a more rational man I’ve never come into contact with.” "Ah!” said the other thoughtfully. "Did you happen to speak to him about chameleons?” “No,” the visitor admitted reluct antly. "That's a subject we didn't happen to touch upon.. Why?” "O, no Special reason,” returned the •other, "except that he wears a white coat because he thinks he has been bitten by a chameleon and will turn tbe color of whatever he's standing by ■unless he wears white, which, as you •know, is a combination of the three primary colors and consequently con tains them all.” "And that's his weak spot?” the visitor inquired. "Yea, and it's rather a sad case. If we could convince him that he wasn't liable to change color we could let him go free. But it's useless. That's his delusion. He was a college pro fessor, and was becoming quite an au thority upon the marks of the spec trum. He made his specialty the changes of coloring occurring in the chameleon and certain other lizards, and was the author of a pamphlet in which he ascribed these to certain re fractions occurring in the pigmentary deposits beneath the epidermical layer. To cut the story short, he overworked himself and, having received an in significant bite from a chameleon which he was handling, acquired the delusion that the peculiarity of the chameleon had in some manner be come transferred to himself.'’ The visitor, greatly interested in this unfortunate case, lingered in the vi-: cinity of the two men until the party broke up. He noticed that the doctor and his patient eyed each other unos tentatiously but continuously during the afternoon. -Tm going to introduce you to the professor," said the doctor toward the end. "But don't shake hands with him. He's liable to bite. He thinks if he can set his teeth in somebody’s hand and draw the blood he can trans fer the virus from his own system.” The man in the white coat came strolling up. "We'd better be going in,’’ he said, addressing the doctor. "Certainly,' returned his companion. "One moment though. I want to in troduce you to my friend." The vis itor bowed, keeping his hand care fully behind him. "One of the ablest inmates of our institution and a credit to all of us, I assure you," the doc tor continued. The mao in the white coat smiled faintly. "Come, Mr. Zipfel,” he said, assuming a slightly authoritative man ner and placing his hand upon the doc tor’s sleeve. - “Just a moment," said tne doctor, breaking away. He turned to the visitor. "He's watching you," he whispered. "Look out he doesn't snap, it's a sad case and almost hopelesi. And vet, between ourselves, one can hardly feel sorry for him, for the way he misused that poor chameleon was terrible." Tears rose into the doctor s eyes. "I shall never be able to for give him,” he said with a sob. "I was the chameleon that bit him." (Copyright, 1909, by W. G. Chapman.) Parental Precepts By Roy L. McCardell. Dearly Beloved, the cloak of con-, tentment has a lining of worry. The 1 luxury of children is the costliest of ail indulgences. It is a luxury the poor indulge in the most. They are small favors not always thankfully received, and yet, as we tritely say. we wouldn't part with one for a million dollars or have an other for the same price—but we often have many more and without cash ■ bonuses, alas! When they are babies we say, “Lo,! when they are able to take care of themselves what a comfort they'll be!” But they never get able to take care of themselves until we. their parents, are so old and feeble we need them to take care of us, and generally they don't. The time has passed when they cried for candy. They now want pocket money and new clothes. We do without new clothes for ourselves and have no spending money of our own that we may satisfy these de sires. At about this time we say, “Behold, when ihey are married, then will our troubles be as smoke!” They do marry and our troubles are as smoke, smoke that is a back draught, pestiferous, a nuisance that will not be abated. Our daughters marry just the sort of a son-in-law we don't want, and our sons’ brides are the sort of girU that particularly exasperate us. . We are connected with families by these marriages that we do not like, and the said families we are newly connected with do not seem to appre ciate us, either. What a worry and trouble children are! How many things we could have if we didn't have children—but we have the children. And yet we do not want the things wre might have had as badly as the childless yearn for offspring. A child less marriage is a ship without ballast, a flower garden without blossoms. Children are the little troubles that keep away the big ones. In their eyes father is big and strong and no other child’s mother is as good as theirs. Admonished for their own good, they are not as good as they might be because they realize that they have none of the parental perfection. Here is the time we should realize that we dwell in the house of fulfill ment, but let us joy at all times in the luxury of children, for none need be so poor as not to have them, nor none can be so rich that they can do without them. Have children and you will know joy, because you will see the shadows of sorrows often enough to bring out the high lights of happiness in plainer relief. Have children of your own. Dearly Beloved! Six is more than you can afford and so is one. But accept no substitutes, there are none. The best mother in the world cannot bear other people's children. Children are born, not made. An adopted child is like an adopted pro fession; it is never what it professes. And a foundling at your door is only a step-child. fConvris-ht i<*» s., TV G Chapman 1 Wanted to Feel the Liquor Half-P*owncd Man Evidently Wr.s Not Used to Taking Water. Horace Bixer, the doyen of Missis sippi pilots, is still at the wheel at 82. To him Mark Twain served his appren ticeship. A Vicksburg reporter asked Mr. Bix ey a recipe for a hale old age. “Temperance, young man,” the pilot replied. “Intemperance is what kills us off. Oh. the victims,” he said, In his whimsical way, “the sad victims of in temperance I have seen! "Once I i"member a passenger of ours fell overboard. We fished him out with a boathook after he had been soaking on the bottom half an hear or so. We laid him limp and sopping on the dock, and a steward ran for the whisky bottle. “As I pried the man's mouth open to pour some whisky down his throat, his lips moved. A kind of murmur came from them. I put my ear down close to listen and I heard the half-drowned wretch say: “ 'Roll me on a bar'l fust to git some o’ ihis water out. It'll weaken the licker.’ ”—Cleveland Leader. Clever Detective Work. The adroit methods of the conti nental detectives are illustrated in the recovery by Baron Leopold von Lie ben of Vienna, of two valuable paint ings, a liochlin and a Troyon. The pictures vanished in August, 1905, and a private detective named Danek was j engaged to trace them. This man found ! that the pictures had been taken to | Brunn. and then to America. Danek j followed and discovered the thief and his hiding piace in Passaic, K. J. He obtained an adjoining room in the same boarding house, gained the man's confidence and learned that he had stolen the pictures while in 3aron j Lieben s home. He had them in a trunk, and showed them to Danek, who 1 subsequently took them, leaving the j ! police circular offering a reward in their place. Danek arrived in Vienna seme weeks ago and restored the pic tures to their rightful owner. She Raised Forty Children. “Aunty Jane" McCrary, the mother of a well-known colored porter of the Mountain View hotel, Gus McCrary, died a few days ago. having lived more years than she could exactly remember. She was kept out of the grave for four days after death that the church and lodge ceremonies might be observed over her remains. In a home-made buggy, with a lean, gray "jenny” attached to the crude vehicle, she was a familiar figure on the streets here when she came to town with produce. She raised more than forty children—about a dozen of her own, and, strange for a woman of her race, more than two dozen adopted colored children.—Gainesville (Ga.) Herald. Circumstantial Evidence. “You say that a grain of wheat was discovered in that mummy’s hand ?” “Yes,” answered the archaeologist. “And the mummy vras one of the great kings of Egypt.” “King? Nonsense! He was prob ably a secretary of agriculture.” SAVING PAINT MONEY it Cannot Be Done by Using Cheap Material and Cheap Painters. In arranging for painting, a good many property-owners try to save money by employing the painter who offers to do the job cheapest—or try to save money by insisting on a low priced paint. But no property-owner would run such risks if he realized what must be taken into considera tion in order to get a job that will wear and give thorough satisfaction. No houseowner will go wrong on the painting question if he writes Na tional Lead Company, 1902 Trinity Building. New York, for their House owner's Painting Outfit No. 49, which is sent free. It is a complete guide to painting. It includes a book of color schemes for either exterior or interior painting, a book of specifica tions. and an instrument for detecting adulteration in paint materials. Nearly every dealer has National Lead Company's pure white lead. (Dutch Boy Painter trademark.) If yours has not notify National Lead Co., and arrangements will be made j for you to get it. GENEROUS, d — Clarence Dubb—May I have this dance. Miss Sharply? Miss Sharply—Certainly! I don’t want it! BABY'S WATERY ECZEMA Itched and Scratched Until Blcod Ran —$50 Spent on Useless Treatments —Disease Seemed Incurable. | Cured by Cuticura for $1.50. “When my little boy was two and a half months old he broke out on both cheeks with eczema. It was the itchy, watery kind and we had to keep his little hands wrapped up all the time, and if he would happen to get them uncovered he would claw his face till the blood streamed down on his cloth ing. We called in a physician at once, but he gave an ointment which was so severe that my babe would scream when it. was put. on. We changed doctors and medicine until we had spent fifty dollars or more and baby was getting worse. I was so worn out watching and caring for him night and day that I almost felt sure the disease was incurable. But finally reading of the good results of the Cuticura Rem edies, I determined to try them. I can truthfully say I was more than surprised, for I bought only a dollar and a half's worth of the Cuticura Remedies (Cuticura Soap, Ointment and Pills), and they did more good than all my doctors’ medicines I had tried, and in fact entirely cured him. His face is perfectly clear of the least spot or scar of anything. Mrs. W. M. spot or scar. Mrs. W. M. Comerer, Burnt Cabins. Pa., Sept. 15, 1908.’’ Potter Drag &- Choir.. C >rp.. Sole Props.. Boston. Intruder Among tne war uogs. Prof. William Lyon Phelps of Yale went to West Point last fall to lec ture. He was lecturing in the chapel, the cadets were rigidly paying at tention, erect, eyes front, each man a ramrod of military etiquette. An Irish setter entered the chapel door and ambled sni Singly down the aisle and up on to the platform. The ca dets squirmed under the eagle eyes of their officers but not a man smiled. "Billy” noticed the strain. He looked down at the dog wagging its tail benev olently on the rostrum. “What! How's this?” said Prof. Phelps. "A setter? Why, I expected to see noth ing but West Pointers up here.”— Yale Alumni Weekly. Cutting Humor. With cap and bells jangling, he burst into the king's presence. "Have you heard my last joke, your majesty?" he cried. "I have," wa3 the reply, as the royal ax descended on the neck of the court jester.—Life. Do not force > ourself to take offensive (and harmful l drugs—take Garfield Tea, Nature's Herb laxative: it overcomes con stipation, purifies the blood, brings Health! The sugar production of the United States docs not grow with the con sumption. CRIMINAL IN CHILD NATURE. Writer in New Orleans Picayune As serts We Are All Born with Ten derness Toward the Bad. “All children,” said a psychologist, “are born criminals. Instinctively they He, steal, slander, torture—I don’t know what. The saintliest man. a very Dr. Parkhurst of a man, were he to grow up as he began, would have a long career of bank robberies, as saults, debauches and murders, and he would die on the-gallows. “A-child, as soon as it begins to toddle and lisp, steals. Till you have trained a child to know that thefts are followed by spankings, would you dare to leave it alone in a candy shop? “It also lies. After a raid on the jam or cake, does a child admit its guilt? Of course not. It lies earnest ly. doggedly. “A child slanders and libels. Did you ever hear a beautiful, lisping :hild speak in praise of its play mate? No. On the contrary, it ac cuses the playmate continually of horrible crimes. “A child will get drunk if you give it the opportunity. Lack of opportu nity ip all that prevents children from pecoming confirmed inebriates. “It is needless to go on. Look back an your childhood. Study your evil little child heart. You’ll wonder then that no curio collector cherishes a piece of your rope.”—New Orleans Picaj-une. Laundry work at home would be much more satisfactory if the right Starch were used. In order to get the desired stiffness, it is usually neces sary to use so much starch tnat the beauty and fineness of the fabric is hidden behind a paste of varying thickness, which not only destroys the appearance, but also affects the wear ing quality of the goods. This trou ble can be entirely overcome by using Defiance Starch, as it can be applied much more thinly because of its great er strength than other makes. Jess Said He- Prayers. One day three-year-old Baby Jess was visiting her grandmother, who was very devout. She asked Baby Jess if her mother had taught her to say her prayers. Jess answered: "Yes, ma'am.’’ “Whom do you pray to. dear, and ■isk to forgive your naughty ways?” "Sometimes I pray to mother's knees and sometimes to the bed.”— Delineator. Do You Feel Like This? Does your head ache or simply feel heavy ind uncomfortable? Does your back ache? Does your side ache? Do you feel fagged out ? The tonic laxat ive herb tea known as Lane's Family Medicine will clear your head, remove the pain in side or back and restore your strength. Nothing else is so zond for the stomach and bowels. At drug gists’ and dealers’, 25c. One Thing She Was Sure Cf. Grace—Really, mother, you seem cross this morning. Mother (sternly)—How often have I told you not to let that young man kiss you? Grace—I don't know, mother, but certainly not as often as he has kissed me. With a smooth iron and Defiance •Starch, you can launder you: shirt waist just as well at home as the steam laundry can: it will have the proper stiffness and finish, there Will be less wear and tear of the goods, and it will be a positive pleasure to use a Starch that does not stick to the iron. Usually They Are. "Professor, what is the meaning of the worn ‘monologue?’ ” “My dear sir, consider the deriva tion of it. ‘Mono’ Is slang for ‘money,’ and ‘logos' means ‘a word.' Monologue, words for money.” Ask Your Druggist for Allen’s Foot-Ease. ’■1 tried ALLEN S FOOT-EASE recent ly. and have just bought another supply. It has cured my corns, and the hot. burn ing and itching sensation in my feet which was almost unbearable, and I would not be without it now.—Mrs. W. J. Walker, Camden, N. J.” Sold by ail Druggists, 2oc. A Hot Time All Around. Lawyer—What did the prisoner say when you accused him of arson? Witness—He answered with heat that such a charge was a burning shame. Time is the best test. For over fifty years Hamlins Wizard Oil has been the most popular remedy in the United States for the cure of Rheumatism, Neuralgia and all pain and inflammation. Woman is considered the weaker vessel—and there is an old maxim to the effect that the weaker the vessel the thicker the paint. A woman who is sick and suffering, and won’t at least try a medicine which has the record of Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound, is to blame for her own wretched condition. There are literally hundreds of thousands of women in the United States who have been benefited by this famous old remedy, which was produced from roots and herbs over thirty years ago by a woman to relieve woman’s suffering. Read what these women say: . Camden, N. «T— “ It is with pleasure that I send my testimo nial tor Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound, hoping it may induce other suffering women to avail themselves of the ^benefit of this valuable remedy. “I suffered from pains in my back and side, sick headaches, no appetite, was tired and nervous all the time, and so weak 1 could hardly stand . Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegeta hie Compound made me a well woman — and this valuable medicine shall always have my praise.” —Mrs. W. P. Valentine, 002 Lincoln Ave., Camden, X. J. Erie, Pa.—“ I suffered for five years from female troubles, and at last was almost helpless. I tried three doctors but they did me no good. 3Iy sister advised me to try Ly dia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound, and. it has made me well and strong. I hope all suffering women will just give Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound a tidal, for it is worth its weight in gold.” —3Irs. J. P. Enalich, li. F.. I>. 7, Erie, Pa. Since we guarantee that all testimonials which we pub lish are genuine, is it not fair to suppose that if Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound had the virtue to help these women it will help any other woman who is suffer ing from the same trouble. For 30 years Lydia E. Pinkham’s Vegetable ( Compound lias been the standard remedy for female ills. No siek woman does justice to | herself who will not try this famous medicine. Made exclusively from roots and herbs, and has thousands of cores to i ts credit. If the slightest tremble appears which 1 you do not understand, write to Mrs. Pinkham at Lynn, Mass., for her advice — it is < l free and always helpful. r" DISTEMPER kS Sure cure and positive preventive, no matter how horsec at anv age are Inferred '*r “exposed " J«hjuid. given on the tongue, acts on the Biood and >n!on BjB b wimm ii m hb B Mi HVjwB iB bm si ||L| Hi aBB IL ■BfB B^^L IP HP || nS IP mp i *. made md .t III IB I Bl II B -HB H Maploine n^t send -Z* >r III^^I | ■HBBB IIBIBI Sox.bot. and recipe book. Creseeat if*. Ca., Seattle. Table Talk. A story in which Webster is said to have figured: The statesman was once asked by a woman at a dinner given in his honor, how he varied in his eating and what he generally ate. j “Madam," the answer ran, “I vary in eating in this respect; sometimes I eat mere, but never less.” Lewis’ Single Binder — the famous 1 straight 5c cigar, always best quality, i Your dealer or Lewis’ Factor}-, Peoria, 111. -| There is nothing more uncertain '.han a sure thing. Mr*. Winslow’* Soothtiic Syrup, Tor children teethlnF, soften* the pmi, reduces to Gemmation, allay* pain, cores wind colic. 25c s bottle. He who is buried in thought dodges the undertaker. W. N. U., OMAHA, NO. 17-15*09. The Utmost in a Soda Cracker Crisp—dainty—flaky—pure and always fresh. That’s why Takoma Biscuit are the preferred Soda Crackers by all housewives. But let the biscuits themselves—by their taste—tell you how much better fhev are than nfhers. w Takoma iscuif They are made in a million Then they are packed dollar bakery—in white i triple-sealed cartons tile ovens, on the to keep out dust and top floor. dampness. The whole baking Takoma Biscuit are at room is flooded by grocer'.-two size—Sc and air and sunlight. lQOSE-\llLE3 BISCUIT ._H PUTNAM FADELESS DYES °??.«: *■ cun «, SICK HEADACHE B,_»_ Positively cured by .RS !hhese L1“lePiU™ They also relieve Dim P tre ss from Dyspepsia, In IrTm digestion and Too Hearty ’ Ic Eating. A perfect rrm * edjr for Dizziness, Nau ,3, sen. Drowsiness, Bad Taste in the Mouth, Coat ed Tongue, Pain in the _ISide, TOEPID LIVEB. They regulate the Bowels. Purely Vegetable. SMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE, SMALL PRICE. Genuine Must Bear Fac-Simile Signature REFUSE SUBSTITUTES. JUST DOUBLE 320 ACRES INSTEAD OF 160 ACRES As further inducement to settlement of the wheat-raising lands of Western Canada, the Canadian Government itias increased the area that may be taken by a homesteader to 320 acres —160 free and 160 to be purchased at $3.00 per acre. These lands are in the grain-raising area, where mixed farming, is also carried on with unqualified success. A. railway will shortly be built to Hudson Bay, bring ing the world’s markets n thousand miles nearer these wheat-fields, where schools and churches are convenient, climate excellent, railways elate to til settlements, and local markets good. “it would take time to nsstmitatetlie revela tions that a visit to the great empire lying to the North of us unfolded at every turn."— Correspondence of a Nancnal Editor, tvho tnsUed Western Canada in August, J90S, Lands may also be purchased from railway and land companies at low prices and on easy terms. For pamphlets, maps and information as to tow railway rates, apply to Superintendent of Immigration, Ottawa, Canada, or tho authorised Canadian Government Agent: V. V. BENNETT. Ml New Terk lib Bail dint. Omaha. Nebraska, This Trade-mark Eliminates Ail Uncertainty In the purchase of paint materials. It is an absolute ity and qoality. see of ad PIMPLES *‘I tried all kinds of blood remedies which failed to do me any good, bat I have found the right thing at last. My face was full of pimples ana black-heads. After taking Cascarets they all left. I am continuing the use of them and recom mending them to my friends. I feel fine when I rise in the morning. Hope to have a chance to recommend Cascarets.’* Fred C. Witten, 76Elm St, Newark, N. J. Pleasant, Palatable, Potent. Taste Good. Do Good. Never Sicken. Weaken or Gripe. 10c. 25c, 50c. Never sold in bulk. The ram ine tablet stamped C C C, Guaranteed to cun w your nosey back. m