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About The Loup City northwestern. (Loup City, Neb.) 189?-1917 | View Entire Issue (March 25, 1909)
With the World’s Great Humorists Selections from the Writings of the “Best Kjnobun Makers of Mirth. The Months of the Year By W. J. Lampton. There are 12 months In every year. If you (io not believe it you may count them without its costing you a cent. Eveialmanac contains a complete set. Almanacs may be had at all drug stores free. There is nothing else free at drug stores except the atmosphere, though that ought to be worth at least quarter for it never has less than 25 scents in it. Phew! January, the first month, has SI days. It has so many because being first oo the ground it has opportunities 1 to grab all il can, autl it does. Janu ary is a very human month. There is no telling what sort of a record some of the other months would have it they had the chance January does. Anyway, none of them gets any more than January. February, the second month, is the smallest and modestest month in the entire collection. While all the others take from 30 ho 31 days as their share, little February takes but 2S. except once in four years when an extra day is forced upon it. .March is the third month of the year and the first month of spring. March is the Ifiowiest month of all. April, the fourth month, contains 30 •lays and is the first month cf that s.ze in the year. April showers arc the chief ingredient of this month, and •they are usually quite wrel. They have to he wet in order to supply the incipi ent vegetation with growing water. In desert regions where there is no in vipient vegetation (he April showers are not wet. They are rot anything except absent. June, the first month of summer, contains the longest day in (he year Though it has more long days than any other month it is not the longest months,several having 31 days to its 30. July, the seventh month, has 31 ■ days, hut notwithstanding this plain statement of undeniable figures, it is well known that one day is the fourth of July. This eould never be proved by almanac, arithmetic or analogy, but history proves it, or has proved it since 1776. Meteorologically, physio logically and historically, July is hot stuff. August, the last summer month, has Y “Almanacs May Be Had at All Drug Stores Free.” 31 days, most of thorn dog. It has been proposed tentatively to change the name of the month to E)'August, because it is the daggest of the year, but it will be a long time getting here because the almanac is provetbially slow and conservative and the moon is about the only thing in it that changes much. September, the first month of au tumn, has 30 days, one of which is of the same length as the night that goes with it. March is the only other month that makes a similar showing. Jn March this is b.-cause the constant winds blow the long end off of the nights, but in September it is because the melancholy days have become des perate and are ready y.nd willing to gel. even with anything, even the nights. October contains 31 days and more settled weather than any month of the year. One might suppose that the weather would naturally settle toward the end of the year, but why it settles; i in October, rather than in December, is not stated by weather sharps. May be there's a reason, but who stops to know why when the weather is fine and dandy? November, the last month or an tunin, has but 30 days and most of us wish it didn't have that many, they are so drear and dismal. Just where November found such a punk lot of days nobody knows and wouldn’t tell if he did. 'It would be incriminating. We are commanded by law to give thanks in this moc'h. Otherwise we would pick some other month. In dian summer comes in this month; Angel summer couldn t. December is the last month of the year and the first of winter. December 31st is the shortest day of the year. December has to have 31 days to bal ance the year out because it has more short days than any other month. It. seems like it ought to l>e the shortest month, but it i -.. •. Christmas is one of December's, and more money is spent on its celebration than on any other day, or all of them in the year. Nobody knows just how much it | amounts to, but everybody feels like ho bad given up evCTy cent he had on earth. Christmas really ought io fall on the 29th of February, and we think some time It will. The old year goes out in December, but nobody knows where it goes. (Copyright, 1?W, by W. G. Chapman.) The Tailor’s Dilemma By H. M. Egbert. A little boy came in and deitosited a stiit of clothes on the tailor’s table. "Father says, please will yon press this suit and bring it to him at the Hotel Willoughby by nine o'clock to morrow morning," said the boy. ‘‘Fa ther says, see you don’t make no mis take. because he’s staying in New York for the week and it's the only suit he's got.” "Don’t you call that tempting fate?" asked one of the loungers who made the tailor's shop his place of diversion. ’ Xah!” said the tailor, lighting the lire tinder his irons. "That can't go wiong. unless my place is broken into during the eight and ali the goods stolen. You got to take some risks everywhere.” "That reminds me of something that happened to a friend of mine," said ‘•The Baby Recognized the Key and Gave It to His Aunt" another man. “He was the metrepoli ian bishop of Pittsburg, in the Greek church, so when the consul's sou got married to a girl of the Green Catholic jiersnasion of course they had to send Tor the bishop to perform the cere mony.” 'The bishop was a simple old man, anil he canv* from Pittsburg in his full ecclesiastical outfit, which was full of creases when he arrived, so he arranged to do what your friend did here; he would go to bed at his hotel and have the tailor call for his clothes and bring them back neatly pressed first thing in the morning.” ••yes?" said the tailor, folding the trousers and taking up the second lion to press them on the other side. “All would have gone well, but for one thing. The tailor was an Old Be liever, one ot a seet which (he Rus sian church has always persecuted. He recogr.iuc:! the garments at a glance, and saw his chaace to get hack at the bishop. So he sent back the coat all neatly pressed, but instead of sending hack the lower portion of the voluminous robes he sent a skirt, as if accidentally.” “Ye3?" said the tailor, ironing vig orously. ' The bishop had to put it on, be cause it was all he had. He hired a cab and drsVc round to the tailor's shop. The tailor had expected hint and had put up his shutters and gone away for a day’s jaunt in the country. The bishop telephoned to the consul ate, and the consul telephoned for the police. Hut they couldn't break open the shop, so they went after the tailor." “Yes?” said the tailor, pressing down hard on the creases. “They found the tailor, but he was drunk and had mislaid his key. >t last they learned that he had given it to his wife, who had gone to visit her sister in Hoboken. They got the wife, but she had given the key to her sis ter's baby to play with, and the child was supposed to have swallowed It. The doctor X-rayed the child and found that it wasn't there. He had thrown it down a grating into a sewer." "Ha! ha!" said the tailor, pausing in Iiis ironing to look round and smile appreciatively. "They took the sewer up and found the key. The baby recognized the key and gave it to bis aunt, and the aunt took it to the tailor, who was still drunk. Then they found that it was the wrong key. The tailor had the right key in his hand and was trying to wind his watch with it. They go: the right key at last and opened the store and got the bishop’s garment.” “And they were happily married?" asked a listener. “Xo," said the man. "By that time the bride bail got tired of waiting and thought she preferred the single state. So she jilted the bridegroom." "Ha. ha, ha!" laughed the tailor, resting his iron upon the cloth and doubling himself up in inextinguishable laughter. "Ho, ho, ho!" roared his compan ions, rocking themselves in their chairs. It was several moments before the tailor recovered his self-possession. Then he took up his Iron and raised the cloth. He uttered a scream and befv.n tearing his hair. “Look, look!” he shrieked, pointing to the ironing board. He had let the iron stand and it had burned an enormous smouldering hole in the trousers. (Copyright, ISO!', by W. G. Chapman.) Beginning the Quarrel My dear, said young McBride to I his wife, “when I come home, you know, I always kiss you.” “Certainly, love. That is a proper way to show your affection.” “Exactly. Now, when I come home and there happens to be a lady here calling upon you, am I to kiss you be fore her?” “Mr. McBride,” interrupted the gen tleman’s wife, sternly, “you are not to kiss the other lady at all. I never ueard of such a thing.” “Who said anything about kissing the other lady, I should like to know?” “You did!” "I didn’t!” “Did!” “Eidn’t!” “What did you say, then?” “I wanted to know if I ought to kiss you in the presence of the other iady?’ “Then why didn’t you sav so?” “I did!” “You didn't!” “Did!” “Didn't!" “What did I say, then?" "You wanted to know if you were to kiss me before the other lady, and I said you weren't to kiss the other lady at all." "Oh. well, let's kiss each other." And here ended the first quarrel.— Sunday Magazine. A New Test. "Was your speech a success?" "No,' answered the gloomy states man. "It made no impression what ever." “What makes you think so?" “Everybody kept quiet. There wasn't a single attempt to shut me op or keep my remarks out of the Record."— Washington Star. Getting Down to Brass Tacks. “Elove you!” “I’ve heard that before." “I worship you madly." "Loose talk.” "I can not live without your love!” “Get some new stuff." “Will you marry me?” “Well, now, there’s some class to that.” The Sermons of a Sinner By Roy L. McCardeJI, Text—The Wisdom of Being Worth less. Since time began, liearlv Beloved, the men who have lived by telling others how to work, and therefore have toiled not themselves, have cried aloud the sure rewards that awaited an iionest endeavor. "He has hard work who lias noth ing to do” has ever been the burden of their plaint. We doubt this, Dearly Beloved. The lilies of the field toil not, neither do they spin, and yet they are well dressed and popular. The prodigal son always gets the best of it. It is the family loafer who is always mamma's pet; and where is there a family that hasn’t its or namental loafer. Us lily of the field, .ts, well as Its humble, hard-working, ill-clad potato that the family subsists ~"7low well do we know the drunken genius who could do such wonderful things if he only stopped drinking, ex cept the wonderful thing of stopping drinking. Sometimes papa is the potato, a mealy, full-flavored, honest old potato, that does his best for everybody else and his worst for himself. Sometimes it is a son potato; some times it is a daughter potato. It is the good daughter of the family who, while the rest are abroad pleasuring, stays home to care for the sick De cause she does it so well. The other daughters are the lilies, and in the little vegetable kingdom of home the potato girl vegetates while the lilies who are clothed well and loo’-: so sweet are the flowers of the family^ The hard work is never thrust upon the worthless. It is added to the bur dens that the worthy have already en dured. The worthless, husband, father, son or daughter, are handled gently and treated kindly, hut the family potato is never considered. How kind wives and mothers of drinking men are to them ir they do drink, fearing lest a scolding drive them to worse excesses! How glad wife and mother are lo see them come home sober once or to come at ail! Yet let the family potato attend even a codfish hall, and so neglect covering the fire, putting out the cat and seeing doors and windows are un fastened! Ah, Dearly Beloved, being a potato is hard lines! We are not appreci ated even after we are cold! (Copyright, 1909, hy W. G. Chapman.) Big Job. The American—-I always try t;o wear clothes to conform to the weather. The Briton—What are you—a light ning change artist?—Life. Dull. "I think her friends are all dull and uninteresting." '1 hey are. Not one of them ever figured in a divorce case.’’—Detroit Free Press. (OsHonmm HOME DRESS.—For a dress of this description. Nankin-blue cashmere would look very nice. The high-waisted skirt is trimmed with black silk cordings put on in twists. It also trims the material part of bodice. The vest and sleeves are of silk, finely ticked. The over-sleeves are cut in with the material zouave. Materials required: Seven yards cashmere 4*5 inches wide. 1dozen yi'ds cord. 3 Va yards silk. WALKING COSTl.'MK.—A tough tweed is employed for this costume; the skirt is trimmed at the foot by a six-inch tiund of velvet, either black or the predominating color in the tweed might lie used. The coat has a waistcoat of velvet, it is also used to edge the revers. and for the cuffs and pockets. A button is covered and sewn on either side of front. Hat of felt, trimmed with ribbon and flowers. FASHIONS IN BAB!ES’ CLOTHES. Styles Closely Follow Those Adopts! by the Grown-Ups. Perhaps the young mother may think that when she comes to make clothes for her baby she won't have to worry her head very much as to what's the fashion of the day. Perhaps she thinks that baby clothes are always the same. If she does, she is a very mistaken little lady, for clothes for the littlest folks show from time to time many of the innovations which make ! the garments for grown-ups in the j mode. This is especially so this i spring. Even the long dresses for in- j fants show the princess and empire: lines, and sleeves have diminished i greatly in size. The vogue for hand embroidery is also emphasized in baby clothes; not otily is it used on the lit tle dresses, but oil the long cloaks and the dainty little flannel wrappers and sacfjues.' It goes without saying that if baby's mother is the sensible little woman that she if. quite sure to be, baby will have no frills and furbelows on bis clothes. Simplicity is the fashion to day. And baby clothes reflect the trend of the modes. Generally speak ing, the distinction between baby's every day clothes and his dresses for best wear is merely in the quality of the fabric. When baby is expected to look his finest his dress is of the sheerest of nainsook, lawn or long cloth, and sometimes washable cot ton chiffon.—Woman's Home Compan ion. Morning Glory of Gauze for Hair. As a rival to the cloth of gold rose with its headed center, and the black gauze rose with its gold rim, comes the morning glory of gauze. This is to he worn in the hair as an ornament of the Grecian knot. It is also to he used, as the other flow ers are. in the front of the corsage for all social und evening affairs. It is in perfect coloring and gives a charming touch to filmy gowns of! white or cream or pale blue. If a girl wonders just what little new touch she would like to have she should get one of these flowers. The morning glory goes with youth better than the black or the gold rose. To End Magazine Worry. One family has solved a magazine controversy very cleverly. The men in the family complained that the women loaned or gave away the magazines before they had all fin ished with them. So this plan was devised: As the men and women fin ish reading a magazine, they put their initials on the first page. When each one has added his or hers to the page, that gives permission to loan or give the hook away. THE LATEST HAT. In plaited taffetas, in a deep shade of “taupe,” wreathed with silk roses in faded tones of pink and blue. The United States consumes 80,000, 000 pounds of tea annually. TREATMENT OF CUT FLOWERS. Simple Methods by Which Freshness May Be Preserved. Few persons know that violets, car nations, etc., after they are cut re quire different care if they are to be kept alive and fresh. Violets, for in stance, after being worn become soft and wilted. They may be made like new by clipping a short bit from the sterns and putting the flowers into a glass wherein the water reaches the blossoms. The bouquet should not be cut apart. Over the flowers and glass itself a piece of was paper should be placed and twisted down tightly and the whole set in the re frigerator or out of doors if the weath er is not too cold—freezing. With this ! treatment the violets, unless dead, be come fresh. A girl who wears ihese flowers fre quentlv has adopted an even simpler method of freshening. For as soon as 1 she takes them off she plunges the heads into cold water, and then puts the bunch back in the box in which it came, covering the flowers with the wax paper always used as a lining. The box is then put out on the win dow sill, and in the morning the blos soms are usually like new. Black Lace Sashes. >»ow that sashes are accepted, the designers are ingenious in their uses 01 new materials. All kinds of rib bon have been employed and the lat est thing is black lace edged with ■ velvet. Wide Chantilly lace is used Itecause of its graceful design, and it looks well over other materials. It is even used over white satin gowns and those of dull pink and blue. It is bordered with two-inch velvet ribbon or bound with piece velvet draped round the figure in folds, then fastened at the back in the center or at the left side under an antique buckle. From this float out two ends much wider at bottom than top. Home-Made Negligee. A girl can make an attractive negli gee at home of crepe de chine or pol ka dot pongee. The effect will be just as good as would be obtained by pay ing a large price for a shojsmade article. A young girl with taste made one recently. She chose polka-dot ted cream-colored pongee silk. A plain-fitting yoke for back and front was cut double. From this the garment was accordion-plaited, stop ping at a short waist line. She bought a bolt of Inch-wide Valenciennes lace insertion for 60 cents. This was set in the silk in many rows before the material was accor dion-plaited. A wide fitted collar ex tended over the shoulder. Reducing Flesh. Whatever else fashion hints there is not the slightest rumor that flesh is to be stylish in the near future. Therefore women who are not thin are keeping tip all kinds of methods to make them so. hive on noodles, is the cry. Conse quently this diet is strictly kept by women who are willing to sacrifice anything to be thin. The latest remedy, however, is to drink camomile tea without sugar, an hour after eating. This is said to cure the most; rebel lious case, and turn one of barrel shaped proportions into sylph-like lines. Three-Piece Costumes. Many of the tailor-made costumes being brought in for advance spring trade are of the three-piece kind. Bod ices. even those intended for w'ear with linen suits, are of net dyed the color of the costume. Not Self-Collected. “A young man has telegraphed me that he has just wedded my daugh ter." ‘T hope he’s a good, practical man.” "I guess he is. He wired me collect.”—Louisville Courier-Journal. >nW Know These Crackers Picture a bakery costing $1,000,000. Think of white tile ovens on the top floor flooded by sunshine. Then, the triple-sealed protection packages— that's These are the 20th Century Soda Crackers. You can always be sure they will be fresh and crisp—flaky and whole— Yet they cost no more than the old kind— Takoma Biscuit are at your grocer's in 5c and 10c packages. Try them. I^oseWiles biscuitca I I .7 When too years »ro*e flirt offered to the world Salxer> Pinion Dollar ' Gn;j, men biiooi; their h-sada. profpssors doubted, farmers wondered whether the promi.ee we made. 8 to 12 tons hay per acre, coaid be realized.1 !fow all doubt s are removed, nr.d today the first farmers of America every where ore planting Snlzcr’e Billion Dollar Grass to their fullest satisfaction.^ «<*ed '•osts b. z c Oc to 80c pur acre and tue yield is seldom under a to ti2 tone of real hay per acre I ALFALFA AKD OTHER PURE CLOVER SEED F.x. Got. Hoard of YSlannisn from 00 acre* sown to Balrer’a £0th Century Alfalfa Clover bar vestedwliula 24 weeh» after eoeMag 82000.00 worth of rtognlficest bay or at t ;c rate of over 8S0.C0 per a re. Our LJ.h Century stralna of Altolto. Medium, Mammoth Ked and A alike clover and grasses are the purest we believe on earth. WE ARE HEADQUJUKTER3 FOR AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE SEEDS Surh as Bariev, Com. Flax. Oats and Wheat especially recommended and Introduced by tha Agri cultural Colleges of Wisconsin, Iowa, North Dakota. Minnesota, booth Dakota, etc. VECETA3LE SEEDS We are the largest grower of vegetable seed* we believe In America, operating over SF* acre*. W© warrant our beeda to produce lue earliest, finest, vegetables grown, our seeds are r aey xna^ars. Catalog tells -why we have the largest iced Potato trade In the world one of our eci.irt holding over 60,000 bushels stone. Try our 35 packages earliest vegetable seeds postpaid for 11.00. WORTH $10.00 OF ANY MAN'S MOfCEY For 10f In stamps we mull f-oeof ali> cost samples of 61lverKlng barley, yielding 173 bu. peracre ■atarom W neat, yielding 64 bu. per acre; Billion Dollar Grass: hpeltz. the cereal sind hay food wonder, together •» ttk timothy, clover, graces, etih. etc., anyone of which. If It becomes acclimated on joar farm. »l*l be worth 610.00 of auy man s money to get a start therewith. Gr. send 14c and we add a sample tor m seed novelty never seen before by you. JOHN A.SALZER SEED CO. LA CROSSE. WIS. ! DISTEMPER For i\f V\ni\ Pink Eye, Epizootic Shipping Fever h Catarrhal Fever Sure core am! positive preventive, no matter how horses at anv are are turret ed or exposed. Liquid.driven on the toutrue; acts on the Blood and tilanda e*i«*U *1 „ poisonousserms from the body. Cure* Distemper In Ik-jr* aud Sheep and « hidera m Poultry. Laiyestselling livestock remedy. Cures Li» .__5 and i s & fine Kidney remedy, ftfk* and tl a '' “* it- Show to your drujohst. who w ill^et i and Cures.** bperial agents wanted. _ _ , . . —jiiv-e •• - -•—— - v-iedy. I ures La ■Grippe amoiitr buuuia nw. and ua fine Kidney remedy. 50c and 91 a bottle. •£»and Mo a dozen. Cutthlsont Kef?! ir dnflriit. who U ill ifvt it fury ou. Free Booklet, ** Di*t«suijjer, Oau»«i SPOHN MEDICAL CO.. Chemists and Bacteriologists GOSHEN, INO.. U. S. A. II BIG COME DOWN * IN ^PRICES Famous Sure Hatch Incubators Will be sold CHEAP the next few weeks. Best machine in the world. Built for real business, and will make you money. Get into the business now :»i <\ raise chickens while Poultry and Efffrs are hi^rh priced. Send for bi# free book about our Incubator and the Poultry Business. Sure Hatch Incubator Co., Box 173, Fremont. Neb. Aesthetic Lily. “Here romes my little Lily!" ex claimed a doting mother to a roomful of guests. “1 have nursie take her for a walk in the park every afternoon, and you have no idea how rapidly it is developing her sense of the aesthet ic—the beautiful! Come here, my dar ling. Tell us what you remember best about your walk in the park to-day." Lily's breath came hard. She paused a mi *. then answered in a shrill, exci; -ble: “Ob, mamma, the bears smelt aw ful." Starch, like everything else, is be ing constantly improved, the patent Starches put on the market 25 years ago are very different and inferior to those of the present day. In the lat est discovery—Defiance Starch—all in jurious chemicals are omitted, while the addition of another ingredient, in vented by us, gives to the Starch a strength and smoothness never ap proached by other brands. A Bad Break. “That was a bad break Dr. Green made." “Wliat was It?” "He advised our traveling man to give up work for a while and traved for his health.'’—Detroit Free Press. Thousands of country people know that in time of sudden mishap or accident Hamlins Wizard Oil is the best substi tute for the family doctor. That is why it is so often found upon the shelf. _l_ He who is false to duty breaks a thread in the loom, and will find the flaw' when he may have forgotten the cause.—II. Ward Beecher. Red. Weak. Weary, Watery ISyea Relieved by Mu line Eye Remedy. Com pounded l»y Experienced Physicians. Con- j forms to Pure Food and Drug Laws. Mu rine Doesn’t Smart: Soothes Ey* Pain, j Try Murine in Your Eyes. At Druggists. 1 Women would have no use for mir rors that would enable them to see j themselves as others see them. . ... PILES CrRED IN 6 TO 14 DATS. PAZO OINTMENT Is guaranteed to cure any rase of liehinif. Blind. Bleeding or Protruding tiles in C to 14 days or money refunded. 50o. Nine men out of a possible ten wear a sad look after they have been mar ried a year. Lewis’ Single Binder straight 5c. You pay 10c for cigars not so good. Your deal er or Lewis' Factory, Peoria, HI. A man’s Idea of values depends on whether he wants to buy or sell. FIDO DULY WARNED. Look hero. Fido, if you can't be a better horse than this I shall have to discharge you an’ get an automobile!" Laundry work at home would be much more satisfactory it the right Starch were used. In order to get the desired stiffness, it is usually neces sary to use so much starch that the beauty and fineness of the fabric Ja hidden behind a paste of varying thickness, which not only destroys the appearance, but also affects the wear ing quality of the goods. This trou ble can be entirely overcome by using Defiance Starch, as it can be applied much more thinly because of its great er strength than other makes. Bank Balance find Independence. Business women have evolved the Idea of saving, and the thrifty incen tive was not inspired by their broth ers, but rather envelops the girl with pendence which evolves th-, girl with $300 or $400 to her credit and spurs her on to add more and more to the reserve. Important to Mothers. CASTORIA rie,fUUy /Very b<*U* Of CASTORIA a safe and sure remedy for infants and children, and see that It Bears the Signature of In ITse For Over ;'*0 /ears The Kind You Have Always Bought. Young America. Dad—Do you know what happens tn little boys that toll lies? thIad~TeP' “ they tel1 ones Leaden WUh “-belaud Asthmatics, Read This. If you are afflicted with Asthma me at once and learn of someth, rite which you will be grateful tl?« " for your life. J. Gh McBn^SteHa!1^1 °f Adversity is a searching , friendship, dividing the shwn °* goats with unerring accuracy-* ? the