Loop City Northwestern J. W. BURLEIGH, Publisher. LOUP CITY, - - NEBRASKA. Not all false attachment suits art breach of promise cases. Truth is stranger than satire. Thert was a genuine Mark Twain duel in Paris recently. One can always tell what time ol year it is by looking at the open faced pumpkin pie. Says the Memphis Scimitar, “Hoo ray, hooray, and likewise yip!” Yes certainly. Boy or girl? It is Cupid's turn to laugh at Gen Corbin. Most of us indulged in that diversion some time before. Mexico has a dynamite trust, bul the courts down that way seem in chned to let well enough alone. John L. Sullivan is once more on the water wagon. Nothing like keen ing in accord with the campaign. No one should jump at the conclu sion that allowing the milk of human kindness to sour is going to do any good. Mrs. Patrick Campbell says she ex pects to come to America “ever so often.” Another farewell tour artist, apparently. A Chicago man who makes ghosts to order doubts very much whether spirits ever materialize, but he knows that dollars do. “Undoubtedly the Lord hates a liar,” says the Boston Herald. Isn't this open to argument? He may hate tne sin, but love the sinner. One of the doctors has found a serum for the prevention of hay fever This being the case, let the poets come on with their golden rod poems. When a woman can get a divorce in twenty minutes, why should we better our heads with Mr. Meredith’s theories about a ten-year marriage? It is Dr. Gunsaulus who remarks that the day of the boy orator has gone. But there is nothing in this statement to arouse any deep regret Philistines who have noted the ath letic style of great pianists cannot be persuaded that there are usually only three or four movements to each sonata. Jean De Reszke gets $30 an hour for music lessons. Perhaps if Patti could do that she might forego the sweet sorrow of saying good-by tc American audiences. A Kansas judge holds that the courts offer no recourse when a dog bites a street-corner spellbinder. The services of poor dumb beasts nevei are properly appreciated. These are the instructions for fit ting the latest style of corsets: “Stand on the balls of your feet, stiffen your knees, and wiggle your shoulders.” Wouldn’t that give you a fit? A Chicago judge has decided that hat-trimming is not art, but skilled la bor. He probably arrived at this con clusion because of his inability to un derstand how art could come so high. The dressmakers’ edict that at least thirty yards will have to go into a dress hereafter convinces many hus bands and fathers that their last year’s suits will hold together one more win ter. The Columbus man who accuses his wife of throwing a big iron spoon at bim and hitting him will have some difficulty in convincing twelve intelli gent jurors ol the truth of the latter charge. •'* i. - - Genius has yet before it the task ol producing a pre-combusted coal that will produce neither ashes nor smoke and thus glad the heart of the hired man-less householder, and eke his neighbors. t tJ * Dressmakers have decreed that the winter woman shall be broadshoul dered. Probably the better to enable her to stand the quips of the funny man who write jokelets about the cost of women’s apparel. J. Pierpont Morgan has within a month been almost run down in his launch, almost run over in an auto mobile, and almost hurt in a railroad collision. No wonder he is beginning to think of retiring. A New York poet publishes some verses of which the repeated refrain is: “Blow, wind, blow!” Those who doubt the influence of modern poets have only to watch and see how obed iently the wind is doing it. J. Pierpont Morgan, Jr., will take his place at the head of his father’s firm when “Jupiter” retires at the be ginning of the coming year. And yet every little wrhile you hear somebody say that there is no chance now for young men. We are quite willing to believe that that telephone device invented by a man at Portland, Ore., to enable a per son speaking to see the face of the person at the other end of the line al ready works successfully as far as the human eye can reach. A New Haven man has been sen fenced to serve five years in the peni tentiary for embezzling $75,000. The wonderful thing about his case is that the pessimists are not calling atten tion to the fact that he was a Sunday school superintendent. If you contemplate going to Pan ama to engage in business your best plan will he is learn aU about the country and the inducements it holds out for men who are not succeeding where they are. Then you will not contemplate it any more. All Bones. Stranger—And did the old farmer over there really starve his summer boarders? Postmaster—Did he? Why, by the end of the season they were so thin the mosquitoes broke their bills try ing to bite them. Mean of Him. “I’ll cast my bread upon the waters,” said the young wife. ‘‘Have you no feelings for the poor fish?” chuckled the brutal husband. Trick. Ida—"Belle was flattered yesterday. Three young men insisted upon her taking the only seat in the car.” May—“She must have been flat tered.” Ida—“But not long. She found there was tar on it.” Success. Mr. Cutter—What do you wear when you wish to attract attention on the beach? Miss Flutter—Oh, nothing much AT THE MUSICALE She—Miss Howler’s high note is fearful. He—Yes, but when you hear it you can console yourself with the thought that you have passed the worst. Just Once. The two hypochrondriacs were ex changing confidences. “Were you ever bedridden?” inquir ed one. “Yes,” replied the other. “When?” “Three years ago, during a cyclone out in Kansas. The wind blew my bed, with me on it, a distance of sev en miles, before it let up!”—New Or leans Times -Democrat. Pretense of Knowledge. “I hate to see a man pretend to know more than he actually does,’ said the habitually severe man. “So do I,” said the unassuming friend; “so do I. But when your wife insists on having you read the war news aloud and the children are set ting around listening, what are you going to do when you come to all these Japanese and Russian names?” An Unexpected Turn. “Here,” said the youth, just gradu ated from the college,’ “the 3ook of Nature is opened wide; here the vio lets send message to God, and the tall pines reveal the mysteries of the for est; here—” But the old man interrupted him: “John,” he said, “I’m glad you like ’em. Ef the Lord spares life I’ll put you to haulin’ logs to-morrow!” Not Even the Solace of Silence. “You’re forever trying to give tne impression that you’re a martyr,'’ snapped Mrs. Henpeck. “I suppose you waut everybody to think that you suffer in silence?” “No,” replied Mr. Henpeck, "I suf fer in the perpetual absence of silence. A little silence would be a positive pleasure to me. Nothing to Do. “Well,” said the old doctor, ‘ you’ve got your diploma now.” “Yes,” replied the young one, “I worked very hard for it and now I’d like to go away for a vacation, but I have to start right in and practice.” “Well, that will give you a long and much-needed rest.” ' ~ ReaJ Thing. “Are the members of your dramatic club very enthusiastic?” “Are they? Why, when we pre sented ‘Hamlet’ in the next village last week, half the company walked all the way home on the railroad track just to give it a professional flavor.”— Puck. > ' ■■ ■ --- Then They Quarreled. He—When we get to the hotel we must do something to give the im pression that we are pot a bridal cou ple. She—I’ll scold you all the time. “Oh, that won't do. They might think you were my mother.” Where the Conflict Rages. “You weren’t always such an early riser.” “No,” answered Mr. Bliggins. “But out where I live now you've got to get up early to wake other people with the lawn mower instead of being dis turbed yourself.” Perfectly Satisfied. “Every man I’ve told that I had rheumatism has offered me a cure. Except Jepson.” “What did Jepson say?” “I told him I had it and he said he was glad to hear it.” Her Egotism. “I dearly love the good, the beauti ful and the true,” remarked the poeti cal young man. “Well,” rejoined the practical maid, “if that’s the case, it’s up to you to interview paper.” Johnny's Excuse. Seven-year-old John brought home a bad report from school. He was scolded, bat bore up bravely. “After all, mother,” he said encour agingly, "the greatest thing in life is health.” An Easy Task. Nextdoor—That new cook of yours is certainly a handsome woman. Neighbors—You bet she is. Why, all she has to do is to smile at the potatoes and they are mashed Something Just as Good. Justice of the Peace—Now, little girl, you are about to take oath. Do you know what an oath is? Little Susie Slumrn—Yes, yer ’on ner, but maw says them ain’t for w immin-fclks. But I kin say what maw said th time she scalded ’er foot, if yer wants me to.—Baltimore American. Little Johnny Again. Papa—Your mother tells me you haven’t been a very good boy to-day, Johnny. Johnny—Between us, pa, I think she s a little prejudiced against me. It was only the other day she told Aunt Kate I was just like you.—Bos ton Transcript. Sitting in Sorrow. “Who’s that unhappy-looking fellow over there?” 4 That s Scribbles. He writes for the funny papers.” “He doesn’t look as though he had any sense of humor.” “Who said he had?”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. Rather Insinuating. Eva—Did Jack kiss you last night? Ernestine—No, the chaperon was in the parlor. Eva—But she was playing the piano all evening. Ernestine—Yes, but she persisted in playing, “I’ve Got My Eyes on You.” Not Reassuring. Doctor—No better, eh? Well, you must not worry or get nervous, you know. Four years ago I had the same complaint as yours, and you see I’m perfectly well now. Patient—Yes, but you didn’t have the same doctor. Not Yet at the Limit. “I don’t want to sell you any more liquor,” said the barkeeper. “You don’t mean that I have had too much?” challenged the jag. “No, no,” replied the barkeeper for the sake of peace. “Well, if I haven’t had too much then I haven’t had enough. Gimme highball.”—Kansas City Independent. His Explanation. "Why didn’t you answer when I called you up over the telephone the other day?” said the angry Billville matron. “My dear,” replied the “old man” apologetically, "there is a standing no tice under the telephone not to use it when you hear thunder!”—Atlanta I Constitution. As Compared. Mifkins—Is your new clerk a work er? Bifkins—I never saw his equal; he works just like a charm. Mifkins—That's queer. I was under the impression that charms seldom work. Bifkins—Well, you heard what I said. Reason for It. “Skorcher must be getting weak minded,” said the first automobilist. “I haven't noticed it,” replied the ether. “Why, he told me he stopped his auto once yesterday because there was a pedestrian in his road.” “But I believe the pedestrian had a gun.” An Economical Rule. Ascum—“I noticed Spongely drink ing with you to-day.” Markley—“Yes, he said he's made a rule not to drink in public, but he wouldn’t count this time.” Ascum—"Yes, his rule is not to drink in public unless somebody else pays for it.”—Atlanta Constitution. An International Union. “It is very strange, madam,” said the count, “that I failed to discover how very tart you were before our marriage.” “Oh, there's nothing so very strange about it.” replied the countess. “You had no taste for anything but papa's ‘sugar.’ ” No Room for Doubt. “According to this paper,” said Mr. Walker Ties, “the egg product of the United States is 800,000,000 dozens an nually.” "I don’t doubt it,” rejoined Mr. Stormington Barns. "At times I have thought it was even more than that.” Drowned Out. “I’m sure my husband doesn’t care for me any more.” “What makes you think so?” “Every time I start to scold him he commences whistling—and he’s got the shrillest whistle you ever heard.” —Cleveland Plain Dealer. Both Wise. “So their engagement is broken?" “Yes; they were both too shy to get married.” “What?” 1 “Well, you see, he was shy of mon ey, and she was shy of him when she found it out.” PUZZLED HIM. Bobby—Mother, tell me about fire flies. Mother—What do you want to know, dear? Bobby—Why doesn’t the wind blow their lights out? The Woman of It. Husband—“What! You don’t mean to say you are going shopping in all this rain.” Wife—“Of course I am. I’ve saved up $4 for a rainy day, and this is the flrst opportunity I’ve had to spend it.” Provoking. “Why are you pouting, Ethel?” “Jack said I was beautiful. I told him he must have been shortsighted. “What did he say?” “Why, the horrid thing said per haps he was.” Literally. Gunner—“Yes, the doctors put Har ker to sleep and operated on him.” Guyer—“I guess he was pretty sore when he woke up.” Gunner—“Yes, he was all cut up about it.” Didn’t Need to Say. “Is Bangum in town?” “No.” "Why did he leave?” “He didn’t stop to say, but his ac counts are short.” Love's Young Dream. Nellie (calling to her sister)—I’m going to make some lemonade, Jennie. Where is the squeezer? Jennie (absently)—The squeezer! Oh, he hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m expecting him any minute. Crushed. He (after the show)—“I guess the curtain must have fallen too hard on the first act." She—“Why, what do you mean?” He—“That might account for the play being so flat.” Partly Her Fault. Fan—So she's engaged to Mr. Polk. I wonder how he came to propose? Nan—I don’t believe he did come to do it, but she was determined not to let him go until ho did.—Stray Stories. Ultra-Fashionable. “And are they really so rich?” “Well, they can afford the three C’s. ’ “What three C’s?” “Chauffeur, connoisseur and chef.” Vncle Jed Too Grasping It had long been almost a proverb in the village that Jedediah Perkins ‘didn’t know a chance when he saw one.” The public discussion of this failing had often come to Uncle Jed's ears, and had sounded loudly in them. Worst of all, he had to admit that he was, in the language of his neighbors, “easy.” He paid the most for what he bought and got the least for what he sold of any man within a dozen miles. But uncle Jed saw a chance at last. A railway runs close to his house, and in the middle of winter during a tre mendous snow storm, a passenger train was stalled in the cut through his south pasture, and was unable to go forward or back. After it had been there about half a day Uncle Jed saw his chance. There were a hundred or two passengers, eager to buy food. He had a large store of ham and bacon. He would have Aunt Sarah make it up into sand wiches, and they would clear a small fortune. “So that's what we done,” said Uncle Jed, telling of it afterward. “We made up every bit of ham in the house into sandwiches and I took ’em down there and offered ’em for sale for a quarter apiece. “Now I cal’lated a man’s hungrys them folks would be willing to pay a quarter for a good big home-made sandwich, but they held back. They was plenty would pay a dime. I could ’a’ sold out twicet over at a dime each—but I only sold five at a quar ter. “ ‘I’ll wait till they get hungrier,’ s’s I. I went outside and set on a snow pile and watched them fellers shoveling out that train. Seemed to me they wa’n’t like to git the train out before next summer so I didn’t hurry about going abroad again with them sandwiches. Jes’ as I made up my mind it was time, though, along in front come one of them rotating whirligig plows they sent up from the other way, and before you could say ‘Jack Robinson’ away went the train behind it through the cut it made. “Well, sir, as I sat watching that train hadn't gone more'n two hundred yards before I see I had made a great mistake not to sell them sandwiches for ten cents. I see it plain as could be. An’ I'm seeing it yet, for Aunt Sarah an’ me has been living on ham sandwiches fer three weeks, and tney ain t half used up.”—Youth’s Com panion. Court Waited for Scrap ‘ The practice of law in the country | may not be so lucrative as in the big j city, but it is vastly more amusing,” j said a lawyer of prominence up in Senator Platt's home town, Owego. j ‘ One experience rewarded me for all j the trouble I had in getting to the : scene of the trial. ‘‘The case was going along smooth ly and I was examining an important j witness, when from the rear of the i crowded court room this remark was , interjected in a loud voice: “ ‘That man’s a liar.’ ‘‘I hesitated a moment, expecting the judge, a bluff country jurist, to take some action. He said nothing, so I continued to question the man on the stand. “Presently came another outburst from the voice in the crowd. It was to the effect that the witness had no truth in his make-up and his story was an offense against justice. Still the court said not a word. “Feeling that it was up to me to do something, I asked the judge to have the person who dared to interrupt the proceedings committed for contempt. The judge leaned over to me and whispered: “ ‘I’d do it, counsellor, but I don't know how to draw the papers.’ "The court may have been weak on law, but he was strong on human na ture. He pondered a moment and then turned to the witness, who was a big chap. “ ‘Do you know who it was that called you a liar?’ he asked. “ ‘I do, your honor,’ said the wit ness. “‘Can you lick him?’ the court que ried. “ ‘That’s what I can.’ “ ‘Then you go and do it,’ ordered his honor. ‘This court is adjourned for fifteen minutes until this little matter of court etiquette is adjusted.’ "The witness left the chair, singled out a pugnacious looking but under sized man in the crowd, grabbed him by the collar and yanked him out into the sunlight. In five minutes the wit ness was back, slightly ruffled in his appearance, but smiling broadly. He resumed his place on the stand, the judge rapped for order, and the trial ci the ease went on. "There were no more interrup tions.” Ode to Disappointment Come. Disappointment, come! Not in thy terrors clad: Come in thy meekest, saddest guise; Thy chastening rod but terrifles The restless and the bad. But I recline Beneath thy shrine. And round my brow resign’d, thy peace ful cypress twine. Though fancy flies away Before thy hollow tread. Yet Meditation, in her cell. Hears with faint eye the lingering knell. That tells her hopes are dead; And though the tear By chance appear. Yet she can smile ; to statistics. In conducting his investigations the oculist frankly acknov. i< s that he found discretion to be the : < 'er par: of valor. He did indet i c: r ms j patients’ cages, bt*t. notv. ■ tand I ing the protective presence • the j beasts’ kqwer, he kept at a : ect I fu! distant of a good yard av; i . alf ! out cf reach of teeth and cla v The | lions were not "good” patients; they j objected to having electric ra I thrust into their retinas, and regar the intruder with no cordial mien. The results of the inquiry are some what curious. SeYen out of every ten menagerie lions were found to be shortsighted; and this is exactly the same proportion as among German students. In Germany this is ascrib ed to overstrain of the eyes in the use of books, a result which can sur prise no one who has had to wrestle with the crabbed black-letter Gothic type still in use in Germany, and with the still more horrible German hand writing. Similar overstrain of the eyes has produced similar results among these unhappy Hons. The king of beasts, child of the boundless wilds, accustomed to range a vast horizon with the eyes which nature has given him. that, “roaring after his prey, he may seek his meat,” has had his horizon narrowed down to the bars of a pitiful cage; he is taught to jump through a hoop, to dance on a tight rope, to sit upon stools, and it is only with pain and difficulty and after long training that his eagle glance grows able to focus these pal try things beneath his nose. The strain on his eyes ultimately renders him shortsighted. Poor King Lion! — Montreal Herald. It Is Inconsistent. When a recent downpour was doing its worst to the down town crowd a man caused consternation in a depart ment store by asking for a woman's rain cloak. ■ “Do you mean a mackintosh—a rain coat,” asked the clerk. ‘•I mean what I said,” returned the man, stubbornly. “I think we have wtat you want,” said the clerk, “hut we never call them rain cloaks.” “Why don’t you?” asked the man. “That is what you ought to say. Everything else worn by women has a feminine name, then why net these —yes, sir. 1 will say it—these water proof cloaks? Why aren't you consist ent? You call a long garment made of cloth a cloak, but when it happens to be made of rubber it takes on masculine tributes and becomes a rain coat. Why?” “That is one too many for me,*' re plied the clerk. “All I know is that we'd be considered crazy if we should advertise a special sale of rain ‘cloaks.’’’—Chicago Inter Ocean. Avoid the Mountains. “You never saw a cat bathing in the sea. You never saw a tramp in a mountainous country. Each spectacle is of equal rarity.” The speaker, a geologist, smiled. “I know what I am talking about." he said. “In quest of geological truths I have traveled the country over many times, and I have yet to flml a tramp among the mountains. Tramps avoid mountains as they avoid soap. “Hence New Hampshire, Vermont, and the other mountainous states are singularly free from petty thieving and from all such troubles as hobos ,ause. And hence, in those states, t is never necessary to lock the doors >r the windows. “Tramps avoid mountainous dis tricts because the walking is all uphill there and because the farms are few and far between. A fertile and flat country with the roads good and the farms close together suits the tramp.” Strathcona Buys islands. Lord Strathcona has purchased the islands of Colonsay and Ornsay from the executors of the late Sir John Mc Neil, V. C. For the last 200 years these islands have been in the posses sion of the McNeil family. They be long to the inner Hebrides group, and are together about twelve miles in length. Auctioneers’ Congress. An auctioneers’ congress was held in Cardiff, Wales. The president in his annual address spoke of the sore need of doing something to check municipal expenditures, which, he contended was seriously affecting the real estate market. Consumption of Beer. The average amount of beer con sumed in 1900 by each inhabitant was 370 quarts in Munich, 232 at Lille, 160 in Berlin, 145 in Vienna, 48 in Bud& Pesth, 28 in Moscow, 11 in Paris. Order for Krupp Guns. Roumania has ordered from Krupn 300 quick-firing field guns. They will cost $5,600,000.