WITAm
HUMOR,
Necessary.
“Now. you’ve been very successful
in politics,” said the inquisitive man.
“When you’re elected to office do you
always believe in remembering the
men to whom you made ante-election
promises?”
"Sure. I have to remember them so
that 1 may dodge them when 1 see
them coming.”
Worse Than the Disease.
“My! you’re looking bad. What’s
the trouble? Grip?”
“No, my trouble at present is the re
sult of an attack of the grip.”
"You don’t say! Some chronic pul
monary—”
“No, acute financial. Dr. Price
Price’s bill.”—Catholic Standard and
Times.
Hardly Appropriate.
He is an eccentric chap, and often
does strange things, eminently philo
sophical. but queer, you know. And
so it was that upon becoming engaged
to be married he presented to the
young lady a ring, on the inside of
which was engraved the motto:
“In time of peace prepare for war.”
They Lived for Dress.
New Inferno Victim—The women
over there don’t appear to be suffer
ing a severe punishment.
Demon Chauffeur—It’s worse than it
looks. They are not allowed to talk
about dress, and have to wear the
same bonnets for 3.000 years.
A Suspicious Sign.
“You better hurry up en collect de
rent from Bre’er Williams!”
“How come?”
“Well, fer de las’ six meetin’ nights
he’s been a-sfngin’ ‘Jerusalem, My
Happy Home,’ en it's my opinion he’s
flxin’ ter move!”
Chicago Comparisons.
Teacher—Now. James, compare the
word "pretty."
James—Pretty, married, divorced.
Two Chatterers.
The Rich Man—Money ta'ks.
The Aristocrat—Yes: 'jut blood will
tell, also.—Boston Traveler.
IN A HURRY
Mother—l think we ought, to send her away to have her voice cultivated.
Father—That's a good idea. It's 12 o'clock now, and a train leaves at
12:15. Pack her duds.
Plenty of Time.
"Did they run away to get married?”
"No, she was 30, and he had been
married before.”
Happy Day.
“What are you writing?” asked the
freshman.
“Just dropping a line to my gover
nor, wishing him many happy returns
of the day,” replied the sophomore.
“Why, is this his birthday?"
"No; payday. He sent me a check
this morning.”
Neck and Neck.
“Let me write the songs of a nation
and I care not who makes its laws,”
said the musical young man.
“Oh. I don't know,” replied the prac
tical young woman. “I guess there are
about as many ragtime laws as there
are ragtime songs.”—Comfort.
To the Shorn Lamb.
“Chills and fever must be a disa
greeable disease.”
"I dunno, stranger. You see. in the
summer we has chills part of the time,
and that keeps ns cool, and in thit
weather we has fever part of the time
and that keeps us warm."
Wise Young Man.
He—Will you be my wife?
She—Why—er—this is so sudden.
He—Will you marry me to-morrow'?
She—Really, this is quite a surprise.
Why are you in such a hurry?
Ho—My salary won’t stand for a
long engagement, see?
As Explained.
Mrs. Enpeck—I don’t see why mar
ried men should want to join a club.
Enpeck—Oh. that's easily explained.
Misery lovo3 company, you know.
TOO LARGE A CONTRACT.
Tragedian—T was offered a contract to tour Africa as leading man for
tho Hardly Abell Co.
She—Did you accept it?
Tragedian—Not on your life! There's nothing but ostrich eggs over
there.
An Effectual Quietus.
He—Why, we haven’t even to extol
the virtues of men to prove the inferi
ority of women. The very failings of
womankind prove the point. No wom
an, for example, has a sense of hu
mor.
She—She hasn’t? Then why is it
that all bits of bright repartee are
called Sallies?
A Question.
“What do you think of the new
boarder?” asked Mrs. Starvem.
"O! I don’t know,” replied Star
board.
“I think he’s very polite.”
“Either that or very sarcastic.. Did
you hear him ask me if I’d have the
cream?”
Providence in Billville.
“Yes, sir, the alligator pursued him
up the river banks, and was just about
to swallow him when Providence in
terfered.”
"Providence?"
“Yes; a mad bull cam© rushing up
and tossed him to the skies.”
Good Enough Reason.
Casey—Don't say, "Oi ain't done
nothin’.”
Cassidy—An' why not?
Casey—Because it’s not good Eng
lish.
Cassidy—Shure, O'im glad to hear
it, fur nayther am Oi.
And He Did.
He—“I wonder if you will ever
marry?”
She—"Well, why don’t you ask mo?"
Cost Him More Than a Penny.
Husband—A penny for your
thoughts, Flora.
Wife—I was thinking of a J15 hat.
GETS HOME TOO LATE.
w
Hortense (aged five)—My father comes down to dinner every night in
a dress suit.
Helen (aged si::)—That's nothing. My papa often comes to breakfast
in one.
Indication of What Happened.
“Sis is engaged to that feller that j
.-alls every night.” announced the boy. j
“How do you know?” they asked.
“ ’Cause she doesn’t powder her face
any more when he's coming," an- ■
swcred the observing youngster.
Nettie Paints.
Edna—They say that Nettle paints
beautifully.
I .aura—She paints. I know, but I
cannot speak for the beautiful effe: t. '
—Philadelphia Telegraph.
* Undoubtedly.
‘'Wisdom.” remarked the man with
th*1 chronic quotation habit, “is bet
ter then riches.’’
“Of course,” rejoined tho philo
sophical person, “you refer to your
wisdom and other people's riches.”
Inconsistent.
Mrs. Smith—Mr. Smitn, your rage
makes you inconsistent.
Mr. Smith—How so?
Mrs. Smith—Why, because you are
swearing cn the prayer rug.
It Would Seem So.
"Say, pa,” queried little Johnny
Bumpernickle, “what’s an echo?”
“An echo, my son,” replied the old
man, with a sigh long drawn out, "la
the ouly thing that can flimflam a
woman out of the last word.”
One of the Many.
Snicklefrltz—Did you know your
wile long before you married her?
Dinglebats—Not for a minute; but
I was foolish enough to imagine I
had known bar for years.
PLATFORMS OF 1904
'HE ISSUE CF 1332 TO BE FOUGHT
OVCR AGAIN.
Unless the Republicans Stand Firmly
for Protection Without Apology, the
Democrats Will Gain on the Tariff |
Reform Proposition.
The Democrats are preparing to
make exactly the same kind of a fight
they made in 1892, on exactly the same
issues. They say there can be no
compromise on the tariff question.
The question then arises. Can the
Republicans go into the campaign with
any prospect of success if they con
cede that a large part of the Demo
cratic contention is correct? Are cam
paigns fought and won on half breed
creed8?
To show the position in which the
two parties would find themselves in
case Gov. Cummins’ idea is adopted,
we quote from Mr. Charles S Hamlin,
of Boston, who was assistant secretary
of the treasury under President Cleve
land. Mr. Hamlin spoke at the Samuel
J. Tilden banquet recently held in New
York. He gave an outline of what he
railed “the great questions of the
coming presidential contest.” He said
the first attack should be upon the
foreign policies of the administration;
the second upon the treatment of
trusts and monopolies; third, tariff re
form; fourth, economy in government
administration. Then Mr. Hamlin
took up the third plank In his political
creed and gave his entire attention to
“tariff reform” for the purpose of in
viting foreign competition to take the
place of that of domestic competition,"
which, he said, is being destroyed.
We quote Mr. Hamlin’s words upon
the subject of the tariff, as follows:
“1 believe the first step should be
radically to review our system of tar
iff taxation to the end that foreign
competition may come in to take the
place of that domestic competition
which is being destroyed. Then by
examining the effect of foreign com
petition we shall soon find what addi
tional legislation is needed to control
monopolies. Meanwhile the federal
government should enforce existing
ers of the Republican party will be
in favor of putting into the platform a
tariff planlt with some uncertainties
connected with it. But the party has
not been dealing in uncertainties dur
ing the past eight years, and it will be
strange if the national leaders shall
once more be willing to insert plati
tudes capable of different construc
tions in different localities. Our own
opinion is that the national platform
next year will stand radically in favor
of the protective tariff without apolo
gy
Meantime, the discussion going on is
interesting.—Des Moines Capital.
REFLECTIONS OF A MECHANIC.
Why He Has Stopped Voting the
Democratic Ticket.
A mechanic of our city, a good one,
too, who fought gallantly for four
years in the Confederate army and
has voted the Democratic ticket regu
larly until recently, remarked to a few
friends at a recent social event while
they were enjoying cigars after lunch
eon, as follows: "The war was near
ly over, and one cold, disagreeable
night 1 was on outpost duty as a pick
et, when all at once the question flash
ed upon me. ‘What was I fighting and
enduring the hardships of camp life
for. anyway?’ The answer came back
as usual, ‘Fighting for my niggers.’ 1
soliloquized, ‘I have not got and never
had a nigger.’ I was In the same fix
as the balaneve of my company—no
worse or no better off. We were all
flffitlng for something which we did
not have. The war from that day lost
interest to me, but 1 served my time
out and was honorably discharged.”
Continuing in the same reminiscent
mood he said: *‘I was for Cleveland
and reform up to 1893, when the ob
ject lesson was as plain to me as had
been tho reason why I had been In the
Confederate army. In that year I was
walking on my uppers, and it was with
the utmost difficulty that I procured
enough to supply my family with the
necessaries of life. I was. or thought I
was, for free trade, hut by the actual
workings of the Wllson-Gorman bill
I saw' the Industries of the country
paralyzed, and skilled, as well as all
other kinds of labor, idle and most of
the mechanics as hard up as 1 was.
There w as a cause for this general do
NOT DISPOSED TO TAKE A SHOT AT HIM.
law and provide new legislation to
secure information as to what the
combinations are doing."
If the above is to be the Democratic
creed, in what respect docs it differ
from “Iowa progressive republican
ism?"
Some of our Iowa Republicans say
that domestic competiton has been
destroyed, and that foreign competi
tion must come in to take the place of
domestic competition, and that is ex
actly what Mr. Hamlin says.
How are the “progressive Republi
cans” of Iowa to make a campaign
against Mr. Hamlin's creed?
The fight in this country next year
will be for or against the tariff as a
means of protecting American factor
ies and their working men. There can
be no half-way ground.
If the Republican party, nationally,
adopts a platform pledging tariff re
form, so-called, the Republican party
will be defeated in the Presidential
campaign. It will be defeated because
the people who turn to the belief of
tariff reform will turn away from the
party that has always stood for a pro
tective tariff.
The Washington Post, an independ
ent newspaper, does not believe that
tariff reform will be put into the na
tional platform of the Republican
party next year. The Post, in an edi
torial commenting on the Polk County
Republican convention, gives utter
ance to the following doubting expres
sion. After noting the pledge on the
part of Gov. Cummins to attempt to
put the “Iowa idea" into the national
Republican platform, the Post says:
"That thought, the ‘Iowa idea,' was
put into the platform last year In such
extremely mild terms that the country
failed to realize its full import until .
Speaker Henderson flew the track and
the other Iowa Republican leaders
were metaphorically by the ears and
in each other’s hair. In iiis Des
Koines speech Gov. Cummins declared
that tb. i time has come for enlarging ;
the fre list and a general revision of
the tal / schedules. That means war
on the standpatters, and for that rea- ,
eon, much as we approve of It, we do
not credit the intimation that it was
indorsed by the President during the
governor's recent visit to Washington.
The President has certainly given no
intimation, in his public acts or deliv
erances, of a desire to promote strife
In his party."
It may b6 true that the national lead
pression, of course, and I concluded ft
was too much Democratic free trade. I
am not versed on the Intricacies of the
tariff, but a blind man can see the dif
ference between '93 and now. and can
not but know, if he will think, ihat
under free trade working men always
have hard times, and under protection
prosperity. I now have more work
than l can do, at good prices, and in
the future expect to vote to benefit
myself and family by acting with the
party which has wrought the wonder
ful change in less than ten short years.
I am not a politician, further than in
the future to lay aside prejudice, war
issues and w'hat 1 used to be, and
vote not as I shot, but with the party
or policy which puts money in my
pocket as a recompense for labor, and
at the same time makes labor in de
mand throughout the entire country.
America for Americans before for
eign countries is a pretty good motto."
— Bates (Mo.) Record.
Consumer and Producer.
Secretary Shaw: "The employer of
labor is both a consumer and a pro
ducer, and therefore may be appealed
to from either standpoint. The wage
earner is also both a consumer and a
producer. He consumes food, cloth
ing. fuel and shelter and he sells days’
work. He may be so shortsighted as
to believe that it would be to his ad
vantage to have cheap food, cheap
clothing and cheap living expenses
generally. Or he might be so farsight
ed as to know that the market for his
labor anti for the product of his labor
is as important to him as to his em
ployer. Thus either the employer or
the employed may be shortsighted
enough to think their Interests are
uulike. if not antagonistic, or so far
sighted as to know when one is pros
perous the other is never hungry or
naked, and that when the other is well
paid the one is always prosperous."
Not With Them.
If Iowa Republicans waut to plunge
into a tariff revision they might as
well know right now that Republicans
in other states are not with them.
Prosperity under the present tariff law
is good enough for most of us.—Schen
ectady (N. Y.) Union.
Stands Pour Square.
Republican protection Is one of the
things that stand four-square to all the
winds that blow.—Tlonesta (PaJ Re
publican.
WESTERN CANAOA’S IMMIGRATION
Rapid S«ttlament of the Wheat Fields
Lying North of the 49th Parallel.
(From the Chicago Record-Herald.)
"Canada has anticipated a very
heavy immigration this year, and she
now has figures to show that she U
actually getting it in a way to meet
all her expectations. In the first four
months cf this year the doors of the
Dominion opened to 40,672 persons,
according to a report prepared by the
committee on agriculture and coloni
sation of the Canadian parliament.
This is almost twice as large as the
immigration in the corresponding
months last year, and fully three
times as large as in 1901, the respec
tive figures Veing 22,462 and 13,393.
"Most of these newcomers have
been attracted by the wheat lands of
the Northwest territories. They have
moved direct to Winnipeg and they
have turned that city into a great
camp, In which they have been fitting
themselves out for the last stage of
their advent ire for new homes.
"Of the immigration of this spring
a little over a third has come from
Great Britain, the figure being 16,457.
This Is three times as large as the
British immigration of the correspond
ing months of the preceding year, and
it is within 2,500 of the number of
immigrants that the United States at
tracted from Great Britain and Ire
land In the aime period this spring.
Au to the remainder of the immigra
tion into Canaux 13,7.0 settlers came
from the United States, a 50 per cent
increase over the preceding year, and
10,445 from Continental Europe, a 40
per cent Increase.
••These 40,072 immigrants into pan
ada may appear trifling In compari
son with 297,070 persons who entered
the United States In the same period,
but they are proportionately more Im
portant to the country. Canada’s pop
ulation Is one-flfteenth of ours, but
her Immigration is now two-flfteenttis
as large as ours. It is worth remem
bering also that Canadas Immigrants
are almost entirely Anglo-Saxon and
Teutonic races, while our immigra
tion Is now two-thirds made up of
Romance and Clar elements."
"Speculation Is natural as to ttie
future of Canada in her relations to
the United States when her North
west territories are filled up, but the
one bsolutely certain fact of the near
future is that the United States is to
have a great competitor In the grain
markets of the world."
The above editorial article taken
from the columns of the Chicago Rec
ord-Herald of May 26th. shows the
condition of the Canadian Immigra
tion, which as pointed out, has had a
constant growth—a marvellously In
creasing growth—for the past six or
seven years, until this year, it Is con
fidently assumed the increase to Can
ada's population, by way of Immigra
tion, will exceed 100,000. This is ac
counted for by the great agricultural
resources which abound there. It Is
no fairy tale, but the mater-of-fact
experience of the tens of thousands
bear ample testimony to the wealth
and riches in store for all who choose
to accept of the opportunities of
fered.
Those who wish to learn more of
the country can secure Illustrated at
lases, pamphlets, etc., giving full and
reliable data issued under government
authority, by applying to any of the
authorized agents of the Canadian
government. These agents whose
names appear below will quote you
the exceptionally low rates that take
you to the free grant lands of West
ern Canada and render you any other
assistance in their power:
W. V. Bennett—801 New York Life
Building, Omaha, Nebraska.
Some people who like hops drink
beer and others eat frogs' legs.
If every man has his double, how is
It that so many of them remain sin
gle?
Mora Flexible and Lasting,
won't shake out or blow out; by using
Defiance Starch you obtain batter result*
than .possible with any other brand and
one third more for same money.
A reformer Is generally a man who
tries to convert others to his way of
thinking.
“Still waters run deep”—but the
shallow splashing wave attracts (hw
most attention.
Htl.r RATKS
via
WABASH KAII.noAB.
The Wabash offers many rates to tt.e
East from Chicago:
Boston, Mass., and return.$19.00
Sold June 25th. 26th and 27th.
Boston, Mass., and return.$21.00
Sold July 1st to 5th.
Saratoga. X. Y.. and return.$17.45
Sold July uth and 6th.
Detroit. Mich., and return.$6.75
Sold July l.'th and 16th.
All tickets reading over the Wabash
betwen Chicago and Buffalo are good
In either direction via steamers be
tween Detroit and Buffalo withon*’.
extra charge, except meals and berth.
Stop-overs allowed at Niagara Kails
and other points. Remember this Is
“The Cool Northern Ronte” and all
Agents can sell tickets from Chicago
east via the Wubash. Kor folders and
all Information, address
HARRY E. MOORES.
G. A. P. P .
Omaha, Neb.
A wise man swallows his pills. A
fool chews them.
f When the eye is In trouble use a
reliable remedy.
$¥e saiN^*
is a wonderful reliever of sore, weak
and iuflamed eves. One bottle usually
effects a complete cure.
CURES ALL EYE AFFECTIONS.