Pictorial Rumor
Very Elevating.
“I see they are going to elevate the
stage again.’’ said the dramatic
boarder.
“It won't do any good." sighed the
m&u who sits back in the parquet
every Monday night. “They may el
evate it to the flies, but the women
who sit in front will elevate their hats
lust as high.’’
Pnkiti>1.
Patience—He must have a soft spot
In his heart for me.
Patrice—Why so?
“He say3 he is always thinking of
me.”
“But you know a man doesn't think
with his heart. The soft place mu3t
be in his head.”
Pure Accident.
Ascum—“What’s the matter with
Jenkins?”
Gobang—“Met with an accident
while hunting.”
Ascum—“You don't say?"
Gobang—“Yes, he was hunting for
trouble and he accidentally ran up
against me."
Choice or Pick.
“'Eard a deuced funny joke to-day,"
said the Englishman. “A laborer says
to the foreman: ‘Will I need to take
my shovel or my pick for that job?’ "
“And what did the foreman say?”
“'E said: ‘Well, you may take your
choice.’ ”
A Katnral Theory.
First Office Boy—I asked de boss ter
let me off 'cause me grandmother was
dead.
Second Office Boy—Wot did he say?
First Office Boy—Asked me who
wu* goln' ter pitch at her funeral.—
Puck.
On the Impnlse of the Moment.
“What would you say," began the
voluble prophet of woe, "if I were to
! tell you that in a very short apace of
time all the rivers of this country
I would dry up?”
“1 would say," replied the patient
man, ” 'Go thou, and do likewise.’”
_
11 ml Hud Experience.
“Do you know anything about drill
ing?" asked the sergeant.
“Faith. 1 know all about it," replied
the raw recruit; “I wurked in o
quarry for manny years before I j'ined
th’ army."
Consolation.
Edith—Yale is my favorite. They
tarn out the best men at New Haven.
Jack—That's what 1 said when they
tired me at the end of the junior year.
CisImi Labor.
Wittig—I noticed you at the amateur
vaudeville show. What did you
think of it?
Crlttig—Well, quite a number of the
performers failed to take advantage of
their opportunities.
Wittig—Think so?
Crittig—Yes, they had lots of oppor
tunities to evade encores, but they In
sisted on giving them.
VVm a if Outrage.
“What makes you so late?" asked
his mother.
"The teacher kept me in because I
couldn't find Moscow on the map of
Europe,” replied Johnny.
"And no wonder you couldn't find
Moscow! It was burnt down in 1812.
11*s an outrage to treat a child that
way!"
WILLING TO BE DISTURBED.
\ • »
Jones (as he squeezes by her to go out after the first art)—I hope I am
not disturbing you, madam.
“Not at alt; my husband runs the bar."
HE COULDN’T DENY IT.
_If tr
Mrs Murphy (holding out paper torch)—1 see be the paper you’re
drunk agin.
Nearby Treasnrr*.
Lucie—1 always give the prettiest
embroidered things 1 do to my
mother.
Marie—That is kind and thoughtful
of you.
Lucie—Yes; then I can borrow
them, you know.
Earmark*.
“What makes you think he is from
Chicago? He handled his knife and
fork properly and used his napkin
naturally.’’
“Oh. I heard him say that he lost
two weeks' alimony at poker last
night.”
No Need to B*> Alarmed*
“Mercy! There is somebody peek
ing in the window!”
"Don’t worry. It is only that poor
M. Sautos-Dumont. He has caught
his balloon on the window sill.”—
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
At the Picture Miow.
"Good thing young Swift got off
about Dobley’s latest picture. Hear
it?"
“The picture of the wrecked sailors
on the barren island?”
"Yes; named by Swift ‘No Sale from
Day to Day.’ ”
Rxpartlng Further Trouble.
“So, you’ve gotten your hair Put,
have you?” said the government agent,
“YeB,” answered the poor Indian dis
contentedly. ”1 suppose the next thing
we kow. they’ll be requiring us to
get bald-headed and wear chin whis
kers.”
HU Capacity.
Hixon—I understand Jigsmith Is a
man of great capacity.
Dixon—That’s what. Why, I’ve
seen him drink a dozen glasses of
beer without even stopping to blow
the foam off
HE WAS ONE.
I i i
She’ (on the hotel porch)—Do you think men are really descended from
monkeys?
He—No; lobsters.
WISE PAPA.
Willie (aged six)—Say. pop. s’pose some bandits caught ma; would you
pay a ransom to get her back?”
His Papa—After they had her for a week, they would pay me to take
her back.
She Was Big Enough.
“Run up like a good little girl.” said
the portrait agent, as he came up the
steps, "and ask your mama if she
wishes to be enlarged.’’
“Dacious, no!” lisped Ethel in hor
ror. "Mamma don’t want to be any
larger; she weighs dree hundred
pounds, sir.”
Eiclto* Bo*ton’* Envy.
She—"But you must admit that so
ciety in our village Is all the time be
coming more cultured.”
He—“Yes, i hear that at the minstrel
show next week instead of end men
they advertise ’superior terminal fa
cilities.’ ”
OvardId It.
“You promised me before marriage
that you would make every effort to
make yourself worthy of me.”
“1 know 1 did, and the result was
that I overdid it, and made myself
better than you deserve.’
Their L'eefulne**.
“What real benefit,” asked the dis
gruntled man. who objected to paying
$3 for a seat, “does the average mor
tal derive from our prima donnas?”
“They tell him what kind of soap
to use,” answered the youth.
A UHTerenee of Opinion.
“Whose little boy are you?"
u^all grandma. Aunt Louise and
mamma all claim me, but Farmer.
Jones says I’m a child of the devil,
Yjuise I crouod some of his apples.
Not Too I.lbrral.
Parishioner—The people are com
plaining that you are too liberal.
Unorthodox pastor—Oh, that's a!
mistake, my dear sir—a great mis
take. I am Just as stingy as the rest
of you.—New York Weekly.
Knew All About It.
Civil Service Examiner—"What do
you know about Buda-Pesth?”
Applicant (for position on police
force)—"Buda-Pesth is the name of a
cattle disease. It is usually fatal.”
Mo Sympathy Thera.
"I am going to marry your daugh
ter, sir,” said the positive young man
to the father.
"Well, you don’t need to come to
me for sympathy,” replied the father,
”1 have troubles of my own.”
Danlel'e Specialty.
"Who was Daniel?" asked the S. &.
teacher.
"He wii7. a hipnytist," promptly an
swered Willie, who had read the lion
story.-—New York Mail and Express.
NO CLEAN MONEY IN OIL BELT
I - —
1 Silver Colne Turned Blxrk by Fooee*
from Texes Wells.
“Money Is curiously colored In the
oil region,” said a gentleman from
Beaumont, "and during my recent ex
perience in the Texas city I could not
really tell whether I was getting good
money or bad half the time. The ap
pearance of the silver in circulation,
in and around Beaumont, was a revel
ation to me, but, of course, men who
have been in oil regions before, where
the very air is filled with gas, knew
just why it was. Shiny dollars are
really very rare now in the Texas
oil belt. The black oxidized dollar is
the rule. The dimes, quarters and
halves are black. It is marvelous how
quickly the silver will become oxi
dized.
”1 was talking to one of the men
who was actively engaged In working
at one of the wells, and just for iny
benefit he made a little experiment.
He searched around until he got a new
looking dollar, one that had just ar
rived and had not had time to be af
fected by the oil and gas of the place.
He put the dollar in his pocket and
went to work at one of the manholes.
He did not remain there a great
while.
“When he returned he pulled out
the dollar and handed it to me for in
spection. It was black enough, and it
had not got out of his pocket until he
gave it back to me. The gas simply
permeated the man's clothes, got into
his pocket, and when it struck the
silver the necessary chemical proc
esses were set -in motion to leave the
dollar colored. All the silver which
has been at Beaumont for any length
of time is in this condition, and the
man who would draw the color line
on the dollars In the Texas oil belt
would simply be unable to do busi
ness."
SOLDIER WAS JUSTLY INDIGNANT
Vet.rati of Civil War Referred to ■*
“Betti. Scared" Cenaro .
Prof. Win. F. Klng.president of Cor
nell College, of Iowa, believes that a
newspaper reputation is somewhat
precarious. At the dinner given In
honor of Leslie M. Shaw, secretary of
the treasury, at the St. Denis hotel
recently President King told of the
experience of a famous general of the
civil war, who was described in the
leading newspaper of the town where
he lived as a "battle scared general.”
“The general,” continued President
King, “was justifiably Indignant, and
expressed himself to the editor of the
paper in no uncertain language. He
demanded that a correction be made
in the following issue, and to his
great dismay on picking up the paper
on the following day found himself
described as a "bottle scarred gen
eral."
"There is no fear," said President
King in conclusion, “that any of the
guests here to-night will go home
bottle scarred.' I notice that inas
much as the menu contains no wines,
the guests have been indulging freely
in plain water. However, the edibles
have been luscious enough to make
the mouth of the Hudson water.”—
New York Tribune.
The Independent Voter.
Fopianna Caravallo met Luegui Con
gillio, and, discussing the late election,
huegui asked Fopi:
"Hello, Fopi; you vota?”
"Yes; you vota too?”
"Sure.”
"Vat you vota?”
"Oh. I vota for Davva da Ruz. Billa
da Murf givva me two dol for da
vota.”
"Ha' You tella me Billa da Murf
givva you two dol for da vota. Malla
detta Santa Madonna. He only givva
me onea dol and mah vota just as
good as you. Oh Santissima. da Ca
naglia Irishaman. 1 will havva his
blood. I swear da vendett. 1 joina da
Mafia, two doll for da vota? Vat he
taka me for, a rotta hannan, a mouldy
lem, a chipa skat. I tella you, Fopi. 1
lika Davva da Ruz. He wide open
man. He talka lika a nica man to da
dago. He givea Milwauk da bridge.
He putta da town ona da map. We
maka him of America da king, viva
Davva da Ruz. But Billa da Murf. oh
tristissima. 1 giva him da stlllett, ona
dol for mah vota, two dol for yours.
He coma to my house, he shaka da
hand wit ma bind, ma cousino and
alia my frienda. He kissa my ktdda.
He flatter ma wiTa. but he only givva
me onea dol for da vota. Ah-”
And Luegui went off pushing his
banana cart and muttering maladlc
tions on “Billa da Murf.”—Milwaukee
Sentinel.
The Inverted Comma.
Mr. Bernard Shaw will have the
sympathy of writers—and we should
think of compositors—in his protest
against the use of the apostrophe. H*
has himself dropped it out of ' aint,"
"dont” and "shouldnt"—hut not out
of “he'll’’—before he wrote his protest
in "The Author.” But why all these
inverted commas, “the silly trick or
peppering pages with these uncouth
bacilli"? You will lind none of these
bacilli in the Bible. Take this pas
sage, chosen at random: Now Jesus
knew that they were desirous to ask
Him. and said unto them. Do ye in
quire among yourselves of that 1 said,
A little while, and ye shall not see
me; and again, a little while, and ye
shall see me? The modern compos
itor would set that passage between
two brackets of inverted commas, for
It is a quote within a quote. But it
is beautifully clear as it stands. And
among all Biblical misunderstand
ings. no one we think has been misled
by the absence of an Inverted comma
—London Chronicle.
NOT TO HE HURRIED.
TRAINMEN ON SOUTHERN RAILROAD
TAKE THINGS EASY.
Conductor “Held ll«r Up for l'er" While
1’*.Hunger Went In Senrch of li.in.—
Ohatlnntn Turkey Delayed l*rogrn«a
Twenty Minuter
“Speaking about rapid transit. I re
member a few years ago traveling on
a go-as-you-please train in Florida,
and.filthough it took the greater part
of a day to travel thirty miles, I en
joyed that trip." The speaker was
Jack Flanning, tho crack trap shooter,
at the Fifth Avenue hotel, the other
day, says the New York Press.
“It was in 1894; I went down to
Florida on a hunting trip, intending
to join a party at Leesburg. A steam
boat carried us up the St. .John's river
to Astor. all right.
"A dlnky-dlnk line called the St.
John's and Lake Eustis railway runs
between Astor and Leesburg, a dis
tance of thirty miles, and the return
trip takes from 5 o'clock in the morn
ing until midnight. The conductors
on trains down south are all called
captain and the particular 'genus
homo’ on this train was Capt. Tucker,
and he was all right.
"We hadn't been out of Astor sta
tion three minutes before Capt. Tuck
er was taking the measure of my guns
and dogs and wanted to know why 1
didn’t stop off at Sellers I^ike.
" ‘If you'ens would like to git a
shot at a deer,’ said he. ‘I’ll hold her
up (meaning the train) out at the Day
Head.'
'■ Much game out here? I inquired.
“ ‘Some deer out with the cattle, and
plenty of quail and robins.’
"Finally the train pulled up at a lit
tle station called Ravenswood, a de
cayed village with two or three inhab
ited houses, and Capt. Tucker pointed
in the direction of the bay head and
said he would ‘hold her up for yer,’
and away I went in search of game.
“I was gone about an hour, and
bagged about seven or eight braces of
quail, and, returning to the train,
found trainmen and passengers (there
were two besides myself) fast asleep
under a shed, the engineer playing a
game of solitaire in the baggage car.
Capt. Tucker was absent, and, the
engineer promising to whistle for me
before the train started, I wandered off
in the direction of a neat-looking
house to get a glass of milk and some
thing to eat.
"Here I found my conductor engag
ed in conversation with the lady of
the house, who was apparently a
widow, and on seeing me, the genus
homo’ exclaimed: ‘I’ll be starting her
up in about twenty minutes.”
“ ‘Whafs keeping us?‘ I inquired.
“ ‘A dratted turkey has just gone on
her nest, and she’uns (pointing to the
widow) wants to send a dozen eggs to
town, and she’s just one shy.’
“We reached Leesburg that night.”
Didn't Know “Pickwick Pipert."
That Dickens is no longer the most
popular author, especially among the
great middle class and the common
people, who used to read him gladly,
there seems to be no doubt. Henry
Sturges Ely, the globe trotter, veri
fies this by an experience he had
the other evening at a boarding house,
just out of Washington Square, where
he always puts up when visiting this
city. He had come in early one even
ing. and rang up his landlady to know
if she had anything he could read.
This landlady had long been one of
his special admirations for her ac
curate and general information.
“I’ll try the ‘Pickwick Papers,’"
said Mr. Ely, "if you have it in the
house.”
“Well, now. I’m sorry,” replied the
landlady, “but we don’t take that. We
have ‘The Christian Advocate’ and
The Ram’s Horn’ regular. Perhaps
they'll do.”—New York Tribune.
Hoiv 8 lie Scared Tramps.
Timid, unprotected ladies who look
under the bed before courting the
sweet restorer, and w'ho have been
known to keep a masculine hat hang
ing in the hall to keep away burglars,
will be interested in the device of a
postmistress of 82 in England, who
has taken a still more daring flight
of imagination. The only door of the
house faces the main street. Opposite
the door is a table, and In the middle
of the table rests a policeman's hel
met.
An inquisitive surveyor, who tells
this story In a London publication,
asked if she had a policeman lodging
with her. She explained with some
indignation that the helmet was a
blind, for so many tramps came beg
ging that when they saw the helmet
they passed on. "The helmet there."
concluded the aged spinster, "affords
me great security.”
Collection of Tavern Signs.
The April exhibition at the Guild
hall is to he of French and English
painters or the eighteenth century,
and one feature of it should be partic
ularly interesting to our readers who
contributed so many instances of curi
ous tavern signs. For a collection of
signboards is to be made, and already
French collectors are being asked for
specimens of Chardin. Lemoynes,
Nicholas. Watteau and other famous
artists who paid their tavern scores
with their brush. This method of pay
ment has been common enough with
young or struggling artists. The late
T. Sidney Cooper painted his way to
Brussels, the Royal Oak at Bettws-y
Coed has a signboard done by David
Cox and there are few of the old-fash
ioned inns on the Thames which can
not show pictures which were paid for
in kind.—London Chronicle.
Woman's Uneven Shoulders.
New York Sun: "Have you," said ~
one woman to another in the course of
a walk through the shopping district,
"noticed how crooked women are get
ting to be? Look at some of the
women who pass us, and see if tho
right shoulder is not almost invaria
bly lower than the other.” The other
woman looked, and lo! it was so. "It
is the natural result of always hav
ing a train to hold up," said the first,
woman. "Why will women cling to
such unreasonable fashions? A train
is graceful only when allowed to sweep
the ground, and we cannot let it do
that In the dirty street, consequently
we are everlastingly clutching it to
keep it from the pavement, and the
position this necessitates is so con
stantly assumed that the right shoulder
is becoming lower than the other. If
the thing continues, the boasted car
riage of the American girl will soon
be an empty boast indeed. The only
remedy for the present, the only hope
for the future, is to leave off trailing
skirts and to go to a gymnasium.
There, under the direction of a compe
tent teacher, one who knows how to
cure just such defects, train, and never
stop until you are straight again.
He Gave His Address.
Harry Furniss tells a good story of
o distinguished but irritable Scotch
lecturer. The gentleman had occasion
to speak in a small town in one of the
Lowland counties, and it chanced that
he met with a more than usually lo
quacious chairman. This genius ac
tually spoke for a whole hour in "in
troducing" the lecturer. He wound up
by saying. “It is unnecessary for me
to say more, but call upon the talented
gentleman who has come so far to give
us his address tonight.”
The lecturer came forward. "You
want my address? I'll give it to you.
322 Rob Roy Crescent. Edinburgh—and
I'm just off there now. Goodnight!"—
May Woman’s Home Companion.
Cheaper Beer of Abstinence.
A curious strike is in progress at
Rokewood, near Ballarat, Victoria,
where, in consequence of the refusal
of the local publicans to reduce the
price of beer from 6 pence to 4 pence
per pint, nearly every resident has
signed a pledge to do without beer
until Melbourne prices are charged.
Horning Hoad.
Star City, Ark., May 26th.—A very
remarkable case has just occurred
here.
Mr. W. H. McFalls has been suffer
ing severely for two years with an ail
ment that puzzled the doctors and
everybody. The trouble seemed to be
all la his head, which had a burning
sensation all the time.
Sometimes this burning pain in the
head would be worse than at other
times, but it never left him.
At last he tried a new remedy called
Dodd's Kidney Pills and was agreeably
surprised to find that the burning
gradually disappeared.
An attack of La Grippe has laid him
up for the last few weeks, but Dodd's
Kidney Pills have banished his old
trouble entirely.
His son George use$ a few of the
Pills which his father did not need and
they have done him so much good
that he says he would not take ten
cents a pill for the few he still has left.
Were it possible to peer into the fu
ture the chief charm of existence ^
would be lost.
IF YOU USE BALL BLUE.
Get Red Cross Hall Blue, the best Ball Blue.
Large - oz. package on!y 5 cents.
Make a companion of vice and you
will soon become its slave.
Piy* permanently cured. No flu or nerronsneefl after
■ lid rtntf day’s uac of i»r. Kline'* Ornat Nerve Restor
er. Bend far I'llKK f 'MH) trial bottle and treatise.
1>k K II Kline. Ltd . m Arch Street. Philadelphia. Pa.
The keynote of charity is considera
tion.
THUNDER MOUNTAIN, IDAHO, A
MINERAL TREASURE HOUSE.
Fortuna* of Gold Are Bciaf Found la
the Center of the State of Idaho.
Thunder Mountain, the new Idaho
gold field, is the moat promising min
eral region in the United States. The
richness of this country was not
known until late in the fall of 1901,
after heavy snows had closed all ave
nues by which the region might be
reached except upon snowshoes. Not
withstanding this fact, Colonel W. H.
Dewey of Idaho, and others who have
had wide experience in mining, have
expended vast sums in the purchase of
undeveloped claims. The surface indi
cations are marvelously rich. These
gold bearing ledges, from 100 to 300
feet, will run through a mountain par
allel to each other. In the Dewey
mine, this vast deposit has values run
ning from $7 to $4,000 per ton, and the
plates of the 10-stamp mill which runs
on the ore have to be cleaned of their
accretions of gold every six hours.
In a few weeks two miners last
spring cleaned up $7,500 in placer gold,
using a small cotton hose to wash
the gravel, the water coming from a
small reservoir on the mountain side.
The mineral zone covers a large sec
tion of hitherto unexplored country,
and is about 175 miles from a railroad.
There are five routes leading to the
Thunder Mountain country, viz.: via
Ketchum, Mackay, Boise and Weiser,
Idaho, and Redrock, Montana, all on
the Oregon Short Line railway. A
great rush to this mecca for miners is
predicted, and “On to Thunder Moun
tain” will be as familiar as the old
watchword. “Pike's Peak or Bust.,” as
soon as the snows disappear so that
the camp may be reached with sup
plies. which will probably be between
May 15 and June 1. A scarcity of pro
visions at present keeps miners away,
as flour at $50 per sack is considered
somewhat of a luxury even in the gol
den land.
Surrounding Thunder Mountain is a
large section of country adapted to
agriculture and stock-raising.
D. E. Burley, general passenger
agent of the Oregon Short Line rail
road, at Salt Lake City, sent an expert
to report upon that country, and will
cheerfully give any information re
Quired as to the routes and general
conditions in and around the great
mining camp.
He who has a good wife can bear
any evil.