LIST US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA
RIOUS HUMORISTS.
Flraaant lucidenta Occurring the
World Over-Ray inga that Arel'hrer
fiil to Old or Yoimu-Funor Helec
tiona that Too Will Kajoj.
T.My! What i small sofa you
have here.
.lens Yen, If it wuKu't ho small I
couldn't keep Georj at his proper dis
tance when he calls.
Teas But, gracious, you're engaged
in him, rami .
Jess Of course, m when we both
squeeze Into it hp can't get Tory fax
away. Philadelphia Tress.
l'n;J to It.
Flirt? There's Suburls there, he
luisyi't a lump of coal nor means to get
any, hut he laughs at the project of
being put to any Inconvenience by the
'ohl this winter.
Finite la he nn Arctic explorer?
"No; he says he la ao used to riding
on the iiiilieati-d suburban trolley cars
that a Utile thin? like cold can't trou
ble hlui." Baltimore Herald.
Hn It looked.
Her 'Top" What wa Gholly dolnj
In the hall last night?
Hi Daughter He only clasped my
loak.
Her 'Top" Looked to me like he
clasped Its contents, too.
The MutiiH.
Marie I have on engagement with
ChoHy and I don't know how to get
out of it.
Helen Haven't you any reason for
breaking It?
.Marie Yes, I have a reason Cholly
Is the reason but I want an excuse.
ruck.
'Iai Hound to Go.
"I thought she married a man with
money?"
"So she did."
"Hut Hee how poor they are."
"Well, my goodnexs, how long did
you expect ahe'd be spending It?"
Philadelphia Bulletin.
Hard to I'lcaae.
Mrs. Naybor I hear your husband's
111. I bo;e his condition iKti't critical
Mrs. Krank No, but his disposition
Ls. He criticises everything we give
hira to eat Philadelphia Press.
Not a C'hnrituhl View of It.
"She thinks It's wrong to go to the
theater."
"Well, poor thing, aho has to have
some excuse for never being asked."
Philadelphia Bulletin.
At tha Mln.trrl..
Bones Yens, nah. Ah kin prove dat
Noah didn't take euuf to eat ou dat
voyage.
Tambo How klq yo' prove ft?
Hones Don't de good book any he
only took one Ham? Chicago News.
DonWnl of Hla Ability.
Crusty Can you support my daugh
ter Minikins Yes, sir.
CriiKty Kver see her eat?
FlluiHn Yes, sir.
Cruty Ever see her eat when no
lody was looking?
Hop' leia.
"They say M ir Newrlch's education
has been sadly neglected."
"I should say It has. Why, that girl
-en n't even play ping pong." Harper's
ISazar.
Ne I'ln- intra.
Ding I Just heard Mrs. de Styles say
that she found It Impossible to Intro
duce her husband Into polite society.
Dong-For what reason?
"She couldn't tench hlui to say 'din
ner' for 'supper.' " Baltimore News.
Inciirlona Man.
8 lie Do you know what I'd do tf you
-should try to kiss me?
He No; why?
She Oh, nothing; only yon dm't
eein to have any curiosity. August
tJuiart Bet.
Oat of Ik Market.
"I wouldn't marry the beat maa In
the world."
"You will not bat the Aisri. I am
''ready ongaged." Kow York TImok.
liS
Meaning Was Clear.
"What wns the cause of that awful
racket and disturbance In your orfie
Just before you came?"
"You know tbat young farmer's son
who came yesterday to begin the study
of law wita me?" wild the other.
"Yes."
"Well, I thought he might as well
begin at the bottom of the ladder and I
told him that when he came down thli
morning the first thing for him to do
would be to clear out the office. ID
foun 1 half a dozen big, strong fellows
there waiting to see me on business
but he did It all right!" Answers.
Low l-'.atintation.
Visitor Well, Johuny, I suppose youi
father thinks the twins are somethiu.!!
wonderful. - -
Johnny Yes, but (in a coufidentlaJ
whisper) I could lick 'em both easy.
Tid Bits.
Vifelr Appreciation.
"There's one thing I will say about
Charley," said young Mrs. Torklus; "ht
has a lovely disposition, even If he
doesu't always display It at home."
"How do you know?"
"I heard some of his Wall street
friends talking about him. They say
he is a perfect lamb." Washington
Star.
Now Whv Did They Laugh.
Several ladies sat In their club a few
evenings ago, discussing the virtues ol
their husbands.
"Mr. Bingleton," said one of them
referring to her life partner, "nevei
drinks and never swears Indeed, h
has no bad habits!"
"Does he ever smoke?" some on
8f.ked.
"Yes. He liUes a cigar Just after h
1ms eaten a good meal. But I suppose
on an average, he doesn't smoke moi-
than once a month." Stray Stories.
A Kecoitiinrndntlon.
A faithful colored servant had recom
mended a friend to take charge of bli
mistress' deiicuie Utile girl.
"Do you think, Sully," asked the anx
ious mother, "that I could trust Auw
Ellen with the entire care of the
baby?"
""Law, yes, ma'am! Ellen knows al
'bout chlldun. She's clone burled lx
Judge.
The Outlook.
Her Papa Yo' asplab ter marry mal
dnulitah, sab? U'm! Whod am yo'i
pruspec's?
The Suitor (a widower) Ebery sin
gle one ob de pussous fo' whom ma!
bite lamented wife done washlu' fo
hall promised ter liber'ly patemlze hei
successah. Judge.
Of Seme l-'a?.
Mrs. Dlx Your husband must HufTei
terribly with his coughing anil unucz
lng when he has hay fever.
Mrs. Hicks (cheerfully) To be .niri
he does, but you can't think how I'
amuses the baby. Tld Hits,
Her Idea.
wife I want a dress, a new hut
shoes, gloves, a handsome cupe, an'', i
box of enndy.
Husband Can't you cut It down i
little?
Wife Very well, dear, I'll do with
out the windy.
Very Likely.
Mrs. Klumkln The Werdey baby I
the picture of her father.
Mr. Slumkln-I suppose that whei
the chll 1 Is a little older she will h.
the phonograph of her mother. Judge
Tippinc the (iue.t.
Walter Beg pardon, sir, but haven'
)ui forgotten something?
(iuest Forgotten something? Ah
yes, a toothpick, Thanks. Chlcag
News.
HI. Plan.
City Man Yea; wo all need a res
once In a while.
Farmer So we do, younj man. An
If somo of you city folks 'd fuller ni,
plan an' take yer rest from 0 at nigh
till 4 In the morn In' you'd be a dea
better off. Puck.
An Observation.
It Is to be observed that the peopl
who offer bargains get rich faster tha.
the people who take a Ivuutage of th
same. Puck.
Ilia Private Opinion.
"I heard a good story the other day.
began the grocery man, "alxiul a ce:
tain politician."
"That will do," Interrupted tliedlsa
pointed olllce seeker. "In the In
place, there are no certain politicians.
Ocntla Hint.
"Yes, people call me rich," said tl.
boastful old bachelor, "hut I hsmi.
you my money Is a lot of trouble I
me."
"And people do say," remarked Mb
Willing, "that every man ought to Inn
some woman to share his troubles."
Only Too I'lraacd,
"I never object to my wife naviu
the last word."
"Don't you, really?"
"No, I aiu only loo thankful
ho has got to It "- Judge.
whe
No ( oraparfHoa,
"That New York girl v,as awful "n
when I asked her If olio was fro.
Boston."
"I'll bet she wasn't half oe mad
Lhe Boston girl whom I asked If
waa froai Mow York. Life
PRICE ON HIS HEAD
TRAIN ROBBER OF FUTURE WILL
BE HOUNDED DOWN.
RAILROADS TO JOIN HANDS
THOUSAND DOLLARS FOH EVERY
DEAD HIGHWAYMAN.
ROBBER IS WORTH 1,000
niirllngl'iii ;Mki- thn Offer anil Oilier
Will Follow-llohtitpft at Lincoln and
iJjtvenport t'uuft for Actlou.
Chicago, Nov. 2fl. Train rnhherj
as an Industry Is to be throttled
through concerted action of railroad
and express companies operating
from headquarters scattered through
out the middle west. Of late there
has been an epidemic of railway
holdups extending from the banks ol
the Mississippi river over the great
plains to the foothills of the Rocky
mountains and beyond in the lonely
wilderness (if the far west.
The Davenport robbery of tbe fast
Rock Island train and the robbery
nea- LIncolu last month, were thf
s'raws that broke the camel's back.
The Hock Island railroad company,
In conjunction with the United
Slates Express company, Issued i
Joint 'eward during the day of 5,00(i
' fur the arrest and conviction of the
knights of the road who Intercepted
their train early Saturday morning.
In addition to a declaration of a
new p dlcy to follow these roobeia
until captured, the Burlington road
entered the field with an announce
ment that a dead train robber would
be worth I,Ooo to any of its ernph yes,
It was Inferred by some who heard ol
trie order that dead train robben
would be preferable to live ones.
"We have given all our trainmen
tc understand," si id F. A. Delano,
general manager of the Purllngtoq
road;, ''and also the express messen
ger that a dead train rubber Is worth
$1,000 to any of them. All our con
ductorsancl trainmen carry revolvers
and we are encouraging them to do so
arid to learn to shoot straight. I am
In favor of concerted action on the
i r t of railway managements and ex-
press companies which shall have for
Its object the hounding of train rob
bers to the ends of the earth."
OlTlclals of the St. Paul, Illinois Cen
tral and the Chicago & Alton rod
coincided with Mr. Delano's state
ment, and declared that they would
not hesitate for ao Instant to beat
their share of any burden brought
about by a conceited aoverueut to
eradicate the evil.
Leaves All to his Widow.
Berlin, Nov. 2D. Emperor Wllliarr.
will attend the fuueral of Ilerr
Krupp, which will take place from
the little old house where his father
lived poorly while striving to cist the
first, hteel gun. The will of the de
ceased guiimaker.according to aseml
authorltatlve statement, provides
that the wo''- shall not be lurried
Into a Joint stock company, under
t.venty-rJve years, meantime the rev
enues of t tie whole piopeity will go
to the A'ldow and after her death to
the eldest daughter. The value or
the estate, estimated by the bankers,
who were connected will) Ilerr
Kmpp is 175.000,0(10. This does not
Include secuiities owned by the de
ceased outside his manufacturing
plants which may possibly.arnouut tu
as much more.
The suicide theory has not yet
quieted. TheCoIogne Gazelte says:
"Whether he died of shock due to
excitement and erribltterment i ver
the att.ick made upon Ma or wli.rth-
er adjudging himself guilty, he t ok
bis own life are questions which have
not been answered and the accusatloo
Itself must halt at his death."
The physicians who were In attend-
ance upon Ilerr Krupp have drawn
up a statement which for the pres.
cut Is kept secret but It Is understood
that It I 'fl ues he. did of apoplexy.
It appears that after lien Krupp re
gained c inscloiisncss on Saluiday lie
Insisted on discussing with Ills solic
itor, Ilerr Korn, the prosecution of
the newspapers for punishing crcu-
s:iIIoiih HtnlriKt hlui and theie upon
the second stroke of the word.
The very poor of Herlln are better
housed tmtn those of any other large
city In the woil I. In fact, there are
no lllthy slums In the crmuu capital
arid the poorest people there are dis
posed to be tidy.
5sya Ihey Swore Falsely,
Dcs Moines, In., Nov. 2fl, Joseph
Koskubi, a funnel, was the center
of a diariiiiilc scene In the coutt room
it MarshallLown this morning, when
he swallowed a big vial of ruonhlne.
Ily heroic means a pIiHcIhu saved
tils lire. He was nn trial mr the at
tempted murder of William hrnnde.
neighbor. He alienor as a motive
for hit attempt nn his own Dtp that
ui oia neighbor bad tworo ftua:lf
MEEO0F MAN f MQrtE MEN-
Secrrtsry Moody Says Pavy li Short Hasdea.
Use of Liquid iucl at Sta.
Washington, Nov. 20. In his an
nual report to the president Secretary
Moody of the navy says at the clou
of the last dscal year there were ut
der construction for the navy, b;'
contract the following vessels: Eiglt
battleships armored cruisers, nint
protected cruisers, four monitors,
thirteen torpedo boats, 't he general
progress of work upon these vessels,
particularly those of the larger cities,
has not been found to be satisfactory.
The battleships were, on the 30th of
June, 11)02, from ten to twon'.y-nioc
month---cell md contract, time; the
ai mored ccrulscrs from f iur 'i thir
teen months; the protected rMser
from six to eight months, hi e the
monitors were from sixteen to nine
teen months iu arrears.
In the cases of the larger vessels
the causes assigned for slow progress
arc the non-di livery of structural
material, the inability of shipbuild
ers to obtain a sulllcleot supply of
skilled labor, and in some cases,
strikes Other causes have contribu
ted to the result. The department
has recently taken steps to remove,
as far as practicable, any grounds of
delay over which it can exercise con
trol, and has not I find contractors that
th y will be hild to accountability
for failure to push forward the wotk
of construction with the diligence, if
such failure shall occur, and particu
larly for any delays which may at any
time be caused by preference being
given to pilvate over public wo k.
Jn the case of torpedo boats and
th destroyers, the contractors have
assigned as an addit'oual reason for
i elay that the contract for their con
structiou were so exactbg that corn
cltaace with theru bus been well tilh.
impossible.
Among the most important lessons
learned in the war with Spain w;,a
that a modern navy cannot be im
provised during a war or upon the
t'ireshliold of a war. Mu h money
was then expended In the purchase
of ships. Many of them served use
ful auxiliary purposes, but It may
well be doubted whether they added
materially to the lighting elliciemy
or our fleet. The time best suited to
the development and perfection of
our uavy is lhe time when there is
neither war nor threat of war. Hap
pily the present is such a time, and
it permits a dispassionate considera
tion of the future.
The country i p rov:F, with hardly
a dissenting voice, the policy of
strengthen!! g o ir power upon the sea.
What may have been an adequate
navy some years ago Is totally inade
quate for the perfonnance of the du
ties growing out of our ne possess
ions In the Pacific and Atlantic and
the detetmlnation of congress to con
struct a canal across tbe Isthmus.
If, then, the policv of strengthen
ing our power upon the sea to the
p ilnt where It can respond to tbe na
lunal needs be not abandoned, the
navy has manifold needs. There
m st be additional naval and coaling
stations' more ships, fighting and,
auxiliary; and an increase of officers
and men. Iu all of these respects,1
congress in the past has dealt with
the navv wisely and generously, and.
I d iubt not that In the future it will
as accurately register the will of the
people.
The most Imperative need of the
navv today Is of addltonal t fllcers. I
ca not overstate this need. It in
vites the Instant attention of con
gress. The administration of the de
partment Is emharrassoi almost dally
by the lack of officers below command
rank. This condition has been ap
pioachlng for some years, and was
clearly apprehended and stated by my
predecessor In olhe. It Is acute to
dav. and, when the ships already au
thorized are completed, It will be des
perate unless there is eaily action.
I am Informed that under existing
conditions 3"5 graduates of the naval
academy miy he expected during
these four years. There Is no other
BO'trce of supply except a number not
exceeding six per annum, which may
be obtained by the promotion of en
listed men. Unless, therefore, the
above c imputal Ion ran he shown to
b erroneous, we shall have In the
near future something more than a
thousand nfllcers less than ttie proper
CO iiplement.
The nfllcers we need can he obtain
ei from ihrce s urces by appoint
ment from civil life, by promotion
from the ranks, or by education uiiil
training at. the naval academy The
first source bus been so unifoimly rp
J ted by the opinions of all, that I
'l pot discuss It. Congress has In
di med lis opiiili n hv abandoning
tuts medi' d in the tinny an I marine
c rps, and uuid o t, II is HS-iimed,
idopt It for the line of the navy.
Aad Ending of a Krunlnn,
Albany. N, Y., Nov. 20. Will-am
and Martha A. Ilogehooin, aged six
ty yea is. were found dead in m bed
In h liote'i here, having been asphyxi
ated during the night hv Iiluii'io it
ni gas The were residents of Kast
U tilesKlll and urilved here to meet
i lielr I wo sons and their diii-uhter-In
law, who were to he dl-chnged
ff m thn Albany county penitent I
niy huvlng served a term of sit
nmiitoi for petit laicauy and buig
lary.
PACE IS TOO FAST
NORTHWESTERN LOSES TO
ME.NFHOM NEBRASKA.
THE
TWELVE TO NOTHING
METHODISTS PUT UP SURPRISE
ON CORNHUSKERS
SHOW UP IN GOOD FORM
Ntrnka Il Not J'ut lh Usual Game
Whila Norihwe-tie-u tinyul Ht-r JJ '
Fool bull, A J-tti-B" Crowd W an iu At
tend nee.
IS'ebraska 12
northwestern 0
Michigan 23
ilirincbota 6
Kansas 17
Mi.ssuuri 5
Pennsylvania 12
Cornell 11
CI lumbia 6
racuse 5
Chicago li
vv i-ooiisin 0
Illinois 30
Iowa o
Stanford 3
Utah 11
Armour 12
August ana 5
Lombard 33
Iveokuk 0
Drake 47
drmnell 0
Ohio Medics 43
Ohio v eMeyan o
Wittenberg , 0
Kenyon 0
Miami 24
DcniMin ft
Purdue 6
Notre Dame 6
Karlham 31
R- sn Poly 0
Nebraska's goal has not been
crossed this season. The Thanksgiv
ing game with Northwestei n resulted
In a score of 12 to 0 in Nebraska's fa
vor and her year's record is clean.
The game was witnessed by the
largest ciowd ever gathered on the
Nebruska field. It was a close con
test, much closer than the support
ers of the scarlet ana cream were
looking for. The men from the
NortliwestTii plaved the best game of
t e vear and Nchtaska did to. make
as good a showing as usual. Tbe
battle was full of close situations
and there was grave danger at ties
that the purple would score. That
this did not oco'jr Is due to lack of
skill on the par t of the visitors and
the aoility of Nebaska to pull herself
together at critical times.
One thing mars the remembrance
of the game. Many believe that
Cmpire Allen act' d without cause In
frequently penalizing lhe cornhusk
er? It cost a touchdown alreaov
earned and the loss of the ball on
m 1 1 1 y occasions
At the start Nebraska played fast
hall, her backs finding the North
western line a wide meshed sieve.
Micket, Ti'-nd'T and Roll smashed for
repeated gaius Northwestern early
took a st rong stand and forced Ne
braska to punt and on securing the
ball slatted the tanrlem formation on
tackles which during the entire game,
was the most continuously successful
ground gainer.
Nebraska was weak a left and where
Fullmer, a light man, tried to fill the
place (if Shedd, a star end As the
play ad-anced Northwestern made
more frequent gains In this spot.
Nebraska having partially solved the
tindem fotmation. Northwestern
won several opportunities to kick
goal from field but two were lest
fuinlles, the Nebraska ends reaching
Kuird with the bull as It was snapped
b-k
The cornhuskers on several occa
sions seemed to be unable to resist
t lie charges of the purple warriors.
One or twice the line seemed to g'i
to pieces mid occasionally an opening
was found which other teams I his
year did not locate. The men were
not playing their game rsurthwest
rvn hammered constantly at lhe
weakisi defens", and marie the most
of "her advantage. When Nebraska
obi wade Into her opponents, she
was repeatedly penalized, causing
loss-s of the hall that made the root
ers sick. Tlr! visitors were penal
ized (our times, to eleven for Nebras
ka, M'ven of lhe latter being 'or al
leged holding which caused a loss of
the hall It win discouraging work
for the cornhiik'-ers arid tlulrganie
sli -wed It. lii t Ihcv held thelt end
against these (r'd4 Their team work
wns never Interfered witli They
pi iiii 'ert the Northwestern line un
mercifully and always made gains..
Use Axes, Revolvers and Clnbs.
Milwaukee. Nov. 28. As there
suit of a battle west of the city lim
its, In which axes, revolvers and
clubs were used, Hcrnard Hnd Albert
Itelifuss ate In the hospital and the
latter may die. He was shot In the
breast and was four hours wlihom
the attention r.f a doctor. The alleg
ed assailants are Max und Paul O
ten. Mux whs a r rented but his broth
er escaped. The trouble Is the re
sult of a quarrel several weeks sfO.
NEBRASKA
NEWS-NOTES
J. W. liarrett, an aged man, waa
struck by a liurliugton train at Wy
ii) ore und killed.
The horse and buggy stolen from
A. A Hun at Cedar lilulfs has teen re
covered. F. E. Toms, who has been running
the Country department store In
Graf, has disappeared.
Hastings Broaddus, who was shot
Saturday by Jim Walker at Crawford
died. The men bar! quarreled.
Henry Brown, a Sac Indian and
veteran of the civil war, died recent
ly near Falls City at the age of 90
years.
The Rev. J. S. Shepard of the
Third Preshyteran church of Lincoln,
hs accepted a call by the local Pres
byterian church at Falrbury.
At Louisville James Xuryberry and
Mr. Paterson had a runaway, Tury
beriy's collar bone being broken and
one of the horses 'icing killed.
At Loup City, R. Watke was bound
over in the sum of $5,000 for setting
fire to tbe Bartow elevator at Asb
too. J. L. Howard was arrested at Fre
mont and taken back to Seward
where be is charged with beating a
hotel bill.
Fire broke out In the hrlcfc harness
shop of Frank Rosliue at St. Paul.
The loss will nut exceed 4200. cover
ed by Insurance.
A special car on tbe Union Pacific,
consisting of thirty cars loaded with
coal and beets met disaster near
Warnerville. nine cars being wrecked.
The track was torn up for a long dis
tance. 5
News has been received In Platts
moutli from Rawlins, Wyo., to the
effect that John Mumm, a former
Piattsmouth saloonkeeper who waa
arrested at that place several months
go for shooting a man during a
quarrel, had been acquitted.
John Larson, who was taken to tha
Hastings asylum from Lincoln, es
ciped from the oflicers during tbe
trip and wandered through the coun
try to Blue Hill, where he was taken
In charge by a farmer and taken tt)
Red Cloud. '
For some time past thieves have(
hen operating in and around Ne
b aska Cit ana have taken several
head of cattle but last Saturday they
took ten hed of fine heifers from L.
A. Kropp's pasture. No trace of
missing stock can be found and par-j
t es are scouring the c untry. j
The cylinder hi ad of the engine at
the Wirt Milling com any's plant at
Tecumsih blew out Saturday night,,
damaging the engine to that extent
hat a new machine will have to b
sipplied. G. W. VVnt is in Lincoln
tod Omaha h.okiiig for a new en
gine. No damage of consequence
.vas done to the mill building.
A team driven by an old gentle
man named Voung, with three
grandsons, was struck by a switching
i rain near Norfolk and the wagon de
molisherj, one hor-e killed, the young
men thrown off the t rack and the old1
man between the rails. The car was
derailed and thrown across the track,
to which fact tbe old ge itleman
owes his life
Frank Schmehr of Beaver Crossing
was fou l gui ty in tbe distiict court
on two charges of selling intoxicating
liquors without a license, and was
assessed a fine of $2o0 In each case.
tills being the second time he hn
been befoie the court for falling to
take out a license. He took an ap
peal to the supreme court and fur
nished bond.
A proposal has been made by which.
Kearney will gain a new Industry Id
a strawhoaid factory, to be operated
on a ver? extensive scale. The plant
Is to merge the canal and water priw.
er and the, old cotton plant ana
equip the large buildings of the lat
ter with high grade paper mill ma-,
chinery. All s irts of straw-board
products are to be manufactured If
r lie plan is canted out. It Is backed
bv strong capital.
The plant of the Sioux City Ileet,
Syrup and Preserving company haa
been absorbed by the Great Western
licet Sugar company, a wing of the
beet sugar trust. The capital stock
was Increased from 1100,000 to 200,
ik i0, and thn additional 1100,000 wat
taken by the trust. This money
will be used to construct a complete
glucose factory here, which will em-i
ploy 150 men an J use 1.000 pounds of
corn dallv.
CASTOR I A
For Infants and Chilton.
Tki Kicd Yoa Han Alxin tet
i
Bern the
tltnatwraof