j Ijoves of JdeK Jill !
7T'S susb a
II Babs, "for
drefful pily," said little
.Vuntlf Jill to be sowwy
and cwy!"
Well, stie needn't cry unless she
liken." observed Hex, who understood
things, being 9.
Auntie Jill, who beard tbeui froiu the
dark corner beblnd the curtain, stole
away to her bedroom, because she
hadn't half done her crying. Then the
plot began. -
"Girls and ladies," protested Babs,
"have to cwy sometimes 'cause they
do. If daddy doesn't cut off my balr
and make me gwow up a man I shall
cwy when I'm a lady."
"It Isn't any good," objected wise
Kex. "When I'm a man I shall be a
hunter, and kill Indians and lions, and
han't cry for anything."
Babs shook her golden head. "I
should cwy if they hurted you, Wex.
Wouldn't you cwy if a big lion catcbed
me and eated me all up?"
K m : put one arm protectingly round
her, because 0 is old and big, you see.
"No, Babsy. I should kill the lion; that
would be ever so much better. Let's
play tlbby-cat's a lion, and shoot him
with the popgun, shall we?" But tibby
cat bolted to the apple tree; and the
rocking horse was broken, anil Itex
had spoilt the doll, playing headsman
to her "Lady Jane Grey."
"I wis' Auntie Jill would come down
stairs an' play suftink," sighed Babs.
"I'd rather Uncle Jack take us fish
ing, or play ball," said Rex. "Are you
sure mamma said he wouldn't ever
come here again?"
"Certain sure," assented Babs; "an"
he wasn't our Uncle Jack, never any
more, mamma said trufly, Wex."
"He never was our uncle, really,"
explained the future hunter, "only go
ing to be. But he was real nice, and
I don't see what Auntie Jill wanted to
go and change him for. It's just like
women and girls!"
"I'se sure Auntie Jill wouldn't be
naughty, ever," said loyal Babs, indig
nantly. "Then what Is she crying for?"
"I specks 'cause Uncle Jack "
"You said he wasn't uncle any more,
Babs."
"Well, 'eause Uncle-that-used-to-be
Jack "
"That Isn't right, either, Babs. He's
Jack-that-used-to-be-Uncle."
"You'se wewwy unkind, Wex," pout
ed his 6-year sister.
"Don't be a goose," replied Rex, loft
ily. "Well, I'ae sure Uncle Jack hag been
naughty, 'cause mammy looked drefful
angwy, when she telled me about bim.
An' Auntie Jill Is cwylng 'cause 'cause
he cwies when you'se naughty, and has
to be shut in ze cupboard."
"You're a horrid little kid, Babs,"
aid Rex, wrathfully marching away.
"No, I'se not. Don't go away, Wex,
pease, don't. I'se I'se so welly mlsa
ble." And kind-hearted little Bibs
threw herself along th rug and fob
bed. "I'll tell you what we'll do," said Rex,
after he had soothed her with two
kisses, a marble, a "conqueror" and
half an apple stolen out of the dining
room. "We'll go and tell Uncle Jack
that auntie's crying awful, and he'd
better come and say he's sorry else no
one won't love him ever any more."
"Oh, Wex," cried Babs, rapturously,
"wouldn't it be beau'fnl! An' I would
wear my new hat, if you could get It
down from ze cupboard, so I would tie
ajce and 'pecai!e. i'se sure mammy
wouldn't mind if we were going to fesh
Uncle Jack." So Rex tiptoed on a
chair for the hat, and primed the pop
gnu as a protection against lions and
robbers, and they went round by the
weetatuff shop, because they general
ly went that way with Uncle Jack, and
a heavy new penny was burdening
Rex's pocket. Besides, everyone knows
that brandy-balls are excellent nour
ishment for travelers if they get lost
in the woods. And if they eat them
before they get lost, they make sure of
them, and don't "sticky" their pockets.
Thanks to such prudential measures,
the young explorers reached the plank
across the ditch iu good spirits, and
were as happy as bold travelers should
always be.
The plank was not a long one, but
the water was so near Rex's feet when
they dangled, and it was such a good
opportunity to shoot fish If they should
appear, that It took a good while to
cross over. Then they had to go the
long way round the lane, because the
field was full of cows; and, as Babs
aid, "Cows are drefful fings, 'cause
Bey might be bulls." So the autumn
afternoon was turning to evening when
they reached the fish pond where Uncle
Jack oeght to be. But no jolly uncle
appeared perhaps his mamma Did put
kirn In the cupboard because he was so
naughty and made Auntie Jill cry. Rex
and Babs began to feel cold and tired.
"I wls'-I wis' we bad a lot of tea,"
lamented Babs.
"Perhaps we shall come to a ramp,"
aid Bex, consolingly. "Travelers al
ways do. Then they will giv us some
buffalo cooked In a pet on three sticks
over the fire, and tell us where Unci
Jack is."
Ho they trudged on cheerfully a Utile
farther. Bnt It got so dusk and the
cowl looked so large end wild la the
fading light that thy might almost
be real buffaloes, wi li are very dif
ferent from play on as everybody
knows. 'Babs' shoes tuck In the mod
tel coalda't be found, and Ret fell In
(ana eti aging settles, and they both
i fjt ittfttcted cnmMIng through a
v U yoar tittle Oeldea Hair sat
down on a bank ud cried, sal Rex
stroked ber head, and would have cried
too If crying hadn't been out of tho
question for a big boy, who was Ut-arly
a man, dada sai.
Just theu Farmr Burton came along
with his dog Rover. He found them
sor.ie apples out of his pocket, and
listened attentively while they explain
ed matters. Of course, he ought to take
them straight home, but a wicked
smile crossed the old man's lips they
had come out to find Uncle Jack, and
perhaps It would be a good thing if
they found him. He had seen him
walking distractedly about in Sleepy
Hol.ow a few minutes ago, and he
knew something about lovers' quarrels.
Why, when he was courting Dame
Margery forty years ago they parted
forever once a mouth! But lie didn't
tell the youngsters anything about this,
only took up Babs on his broad shoul
ders and walked along so fust that ltex
had to trot to keep up with him.
"Why does you laugh, Misser Bur
ton?" Inquired Babs.
"Oh, because you're such a funuy lit
tle girl to go hunting buffaloes."
"But 1t was Wex zat was goin' to
shoot zein," apologized she.
"Oh, I beg his pardon," said the Jo
vial old farmer. "Perhaps he would
like to stop behind and sboot them
now?"
But Hex thought they had betur be
getting home, as it was so late. Buffa
loes, he admitted, In his private mind,
were not so nice to bunt in the dark.
As they were crossing the hollow a
big gentleman came striding along.
"Here's Uncle Jack!" they both ex
claimed at once.
"Why, Babs Rex!" cried he, in
amazement "Whatever "
"Oh, they've come to look after you,
Mr. Jack," said old Burton, solemnly.
"They'll tell you all about it. Perhaps
you'll see 'em home as it Is getting
late."
.So saying, he disappeared over a stile
with remarkable agility for bis years
and size. All the way home he laugh
ed, until Rover thought that he must
be going mad, like some ill-balanced
dogs In the hot weather. All that even
ing be chuckled to himself, until his
dame confided to the hired man that
the master had something on his mind
for certain, and the hired man thought
that "mebbe he'd bad an offer for the
heifer." Bnt not for many a long day
did he tell the story of the hunters.
"Well, you young pickles!" said Jack,
woo used to be uncie, "what the dick
ens are you doing here? What the
deuce am I to do with you?" he added,
under his breath, as he shouldered the
girlie.
Babs looked at Rex, and Rex looked
at Babs.
"We were looking for you," said the
hunter at length.
" 'Cause she cwies when Wex Is
naughty, an' mamma puts him "
"Don't be such a donkey, Babs," In
terrupted Rex, indignantly.
"Well," said Jack, "I suppose 1 must
take you young rascals home, any
how." "An' say you'g sowwy," pleaded
Golden Hair.
"I should. If I were you." counseled
Rex, putting his band In that of uncle-wbo-used-to-be,
because he was a very
nice uncle, and 9 Isn't so old In the
dark. "Men must put up with some
thing from girls and ladies, and be kind
to them," he preached, solemnly.
"That's real true. My dada says so."
Jack didn't say much, but be held
them very tight, and carried Rex as
well as Babs in the gloomiest part of
the lane, where no one could see.
So it wasn't long before they came to
the house, where everyone seemed iu
trouble, except tlbby-cat, who was doz
ing unconcernedly In front of the tin
Dada, who bad just come home, was
starting out to look for them; Sarah,
the nurse, and Jane, the housemaid.
having just returned from a vain
search. Cook was blinking over the
kitchen fire about "them children" till
she let things burn, and mamma was
sobbing on the sofa in the drawing
room, because she was not well enough
to get up. Poor Auntie Jill was most
wretched of all, because she had cried
all ber tears away In the afternoon and
bad none left for the babies.
What a shout of delight went up as
they came In through the open door!
Dada snatched up his boy, and mamma
called eagerly for them from the draw
ing room, so Jack followed In with
Babs half asleep In his arms. Dada
and mamma looked nowhere but at the
children, while Jack and Jill loqked ev
erywhere but at each other. Then Rex
and Babs laughed and chattered, and
began to explain matters. "We've
fetched Uncle Jack," said Rex, In a
matter-of-fact tone, "to see Auntie Jill.
And he's going to take us fishing to
morrow afternoon, if you'll let him."
"An' he's goin' to be so welly, welly
;ood," asserted Babs, emphatically,
'zat Auntie Jill won't be sowwy and
wy, not ever any more."
Mamma looked astounded, and Auntie
'111 found just iie tear to come half
ut of each eye for It hadn't been all
ack's fault, really you know. Jack
topped a little nearer to her, and half
eld out one hand and half didn't
' on't be silly, children; you do not un-
rstand," said mamma, reprovingly,
ut dada smiled one of his quiet smiles,
4 taking one little one upon each knee
e Mt down on the sofa beside mam
ma. "I think tbey do," said be.
Then Jart got very near Jill, and
took hold of both her hands. "My dear
little Jill," Mid he, rather brokenly,
And she put her head on his shoulder
and cried, and said but really It isn't
fair to tell what she said. Anyhow, It
must have been satisfactory to Rex and
Babs, for those young scamps laughed
with glee at the prospect of unlimited
fishing, and ball, and swings, and pen
nies, now that Jack-that-used-to-be-Uncle-that-was-to-be
was reinstated.
Chicago Times-Herald.
PHARAOH'S RATS.
Carefully Barred from Landing by
Specially Detailed Officers.
As the result of an attempt to bar
two Innocent-looking animals, a trifle
larger than full-grown rats, from this
port, the entire machinery of Collector
Thomas' office was set in motion yes
terday, says the Philadelphia Inquirer,
The creatures were Egyptian ichneu
mons, sometimes called Pharaoh's rats.
After a long consultation with his sec
retary, George Barton, the collector de
cided to refuse them admission and or
dered them killed. This last order was
subsequently rescinded at the pleading
of their owner, the engineer of the Brit
ish steamer Malbridge, on which the
animals arrived from Matanzas, Cuba.
According to Collector Thomas, farm
ers throughout Pennsylvania may re
joice at the order, for had the ichneu
mons been admitted tbey would In time
have become as great pests as the Eng
lish sparrow. In Jamaica, where the
animals came from, they were intro
duced some years ago for the purpose
of exterminating vermin, but, the sup
ply of the latter having fallen pretty
low, the Ichneumons turned their at
tention to chickens, ducks and other
fowl.
As they are exceedingly productive,
in all probability there would have been
thousands of ichneumons In the State
within a year, and It was this consid
eration that decided Collector Thomas
WTien the steamer Malbridge, with a
cargo of sugar, arrived in the Delaware
yesterday she was boarded by two cus
toms officials. As they were walking
along the deck they were suddenly con
fronted by two fierce animals about the
size of a cat. They were of a gray
color, except their legs, which were cov
ered with a reddish brown hair. In
sjMKtor Brophy, who was one of the
officers, said they resembled abnormal
ly large rats.
The latter discovered a ruling by
Secretary of Agriculture Wilson, it
which he tells of the danger of admit
ting these animals. It was then de
cided to kill them, but the engineer of
the Bteamer pleaded for their lives, and
his request was granted. In the mean
time a customs officer Is detailed to
watch them and prevent their escape.
The Ichneumon or mongoose Is a hab
itant of Africa and Asia. It has long,
weasel-like body and very short legs.
In those countries it is a great help in
checking the mo' (plication of croco
diles by eating -ir eggs and their
young. It attacl and kills the larg
est and most ven mous reptiles.
BEGAN AS A PRINTER'S DEVIL.
Ex-Gov. Swineford Haa Struck It Kich
in Hie Coper Mlnea.
It Is reported at former Gov. A.
P. Swineford. of ilaska, long a noted
western newspaper man, has struck it
rich in his copper mines on Barauoff
Island. The Governor Is widely ac
quainted in Washington, having been
a frequent visitor here for many years.
He was here repeatedly during his
term as Governor, and has been here
frequently since that time. He was
one of the most efficient executives the
big territory ever bad, says the Wash
ington Times.
(jvernor Swineford had an Interest
ing career as a newspaper writer, and
lefore that as a printer. He began
as a devil In the printing office of the
noted Gov. Samuel Medary at Colum
bus. While apprenticed to the Gov
ernor he lived at the Medary residence.
Tbe printing office was In a wooden
building near the bouse. One night
young Swineford, In a playful mood,
lay in wait for his fellow-devil at tbe
head of tbe office stairs. He was arm
ed with a new lnkroller, with which
be designed to affectionately "swat"
bis unsuspecting colleague. He wait
ed long and patiently. At last he beard
footsteps on the stairway. As they
came near the top young Swineford let
drive and knocked the person to the
foot of tbe stairs. He went down with
a great clatter, and landed In a heap,
badly shaken up, but not much hurt.
Swineford went out of tbe window and
slid down the wooden eave-trough. He
then came around to the stairway to
see his demolished rival devil. To bis
astonishment and horror be found Gov
ernor Medary picking himself up at the
foot of tbe stairs. Tbe Governor, ail
unsuspecting, said: "Alfred, my boy,
these infernal Whigs will kill me yet!"
Governor Medary lived In strenuous
political times.
How Death M -iBe Determined.
A means of stlngulshlng death
from catalepsy as been devised by
Dr. Icard of Ma eilles and submitted
to the Academic lee Sciences. He In
jects fiuorescln, ; strong coloring mat
ter that is not poisonous, Into the veins.
A gramme of fiuorescln will color 45,000
litres of water, f there is any circu
lation tbe body fill turn grass green
In two minutes, but the color passes
away In a couple of bours without do
ing any harm.
Klnctro-Plated Doors.
By the use of o process Invented at
Bridgeport, Conn., wooden doors are
being electro-plated with copper or
brass.
Home women come down town so sel
dom that they arc so timid they always
suggest a oat that la crossing the
street.
Some people are afraid, and call It
virtue.
Rochester street car men are organ
iziug.
Hamilton, Ontario, striking electric
workers agreed to arbitrate.
L. Wolverton, of Grmsby, Canada
will ship apples as an experiment t
Glasgow.
At Toronto a syndicate contemplate!
erecting a block c? rorkiugEnea'
houses at cheap rents.
The Chicago Fedi-ratlon of Labor re
fused to seat the delegates from a lo
cul unlun of colored laborers.
Labor bodies throughout the countri
are subscribing to the fund for tin
striking Pennsylvania miners.
Toronto textile workers are going t
test the alleu labor law against Ixiw
ell men who have taken their places.
San Francisco Is to have the specia
delivery letter system. Boys thirteei
years old will be paid 8 cents a mes
sage.
Freight handlers in the Chicago
ltock Inland and Pacific freight bouxei
at St. Jotieph, XI o., won a raise of fron
12 to 1-1 cents an hour by threatening t
strike.
It Is believed that the structura,
workers of the Pittsburg district wil
not be asked to strike In aid of thi
Philadelphia union In Its couteutloi
against the American Bridge Company
The United Garment Workers' Con
ventlon at Cleveland decided to estab
lish a reserve fund of $50,000 for tbi
organization. This will be raised bj
a 10 per cent per capita assessment o1
all members for the next Ave years.
Emigration Commissioner Genera,
Sargent recently held an extended con
fereiice with Commissioner Willlami
at New York about the alien contraa
labor law. This conference developed
the fact that the views of the heat
of the Immigration bureau and tin
commissioner at New York are in en
tire accord, and Instructions were w
once Issued to the Inspectors. In theii
determination to enforce the alien con
tract labor law tbe treasury official!
have the support of President Roose
veit, who takes the ground that con
tract laborers must be kept out of tin
country, as It works an Injustice t
American labor to admit them, espe
dally as the newcomers can be em
ployed at cheap wages.
Gov. Ezra P. Savage, of Nebraska
In his Labor Day proclamation, says
"To the hand that toils society it
largely indebted for its existence, wel
fare, and happiness. Idleness, whetnei
in high or low stations of life. Is I
germ of crime. It is a fungus growtl
on Industry. No pestilence contains st
many elements of daDger. Labor U
a heritage. Providence decreed that
man should earn his bread by thi
sweat of his brow. The law of in
dustry, therefore, is Immutable. T
toll is an hereditary legacy whose ti
tie can not be passed. Conditions mat
strike uneven balances between Indl
viduals which may and do manifest
their presence and influences in tbi
form of industrial disquietude, but tin
most pltable object Is not the one wh
is required to labor Incessantly, but
the one whose keener solicitude In
clines to physical lethargy. Human ar
chitecture contemplates Labor, and h
that avoids labor contravenes nature'i
laws and does that which Is lutendec
to transform him Into a social, moral
and physical derelict HvuoreToie em
ployment In whatever capacity eon
talus noue of the essence of disrespect
If there Is one thing which more than
another entitles an Individual to pop
ular respect. It la that be eschews Idle
news. That alone marks him with vir
tue in the estimation of all mankind."
A Wholesale Philanthropist.
One of the plans of modern giving
offers a certain sum provided an equal
amount is raised to meet it In a re
cent case the amount to be raised
reached a tantalizing total and baited
A friend of the institution that was tc
be enriched went to Andrew Carneglt
and laid the facts before him. Thes.
he drove home by all the eloquence ht
could commsnd. Mr. Carnegie listened
attentive!?. Finally the speaker paused
and looked to Mr. Carnegie for the fa
vorable word.
"Mt friend." said the great million
aire, dryly, "I am not in the retail busi
ness." Philadelphia Post
Tbe Proper Term.
Martha, the colored washerwoman,
was complaining of her busband'f
health to one of her natrons. Tb
Christian Register reports tbe dia
logue:
"He's ve'y po'ly, ma'am, ve'y po'ly
He's got dat exclamatory rheuma
tism." "You mean inflammatory, Martha
Exclamatory Is from exclaim, which
means to cry out."
"Yes, miss," answered Martha, with
conviction, "dat's what It Is. He hol
lers all de time."
Kaar Knotted.
Tbe New Arrival and the Experl
euced Maid are the dramatis persons
of a brief comedy published In Life.
The New Arrival was In doubt about
the use of the blower on tbe open Are
ola ce.
"When will It be time to take thli
blower off?"
"Lave It alone," replied the Experi
enced Maid, "till It do be too hot for
ye to touch; then lift It off."
ftoni'ince: omethlng to make people
dixcoiilented.
SUPPOSE WE SMILE.
HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM
THE COMIC PAPERS.
Pleasant Incidents Occurring tbe
World Over-ftaylnae that Are Cheer
ful to Old or Yoiiug: Fuou r (Selec
tion that Everybody Will Knjoy.
Cook "Please, ma'am, I want to
give a week's notice."
Mistress "Why, Jane, this Is Indeed
a surprise. Are you not satisfied with
the treatment you receive here?"
Cook "Oh. yes. ma'am."
M istr.-ftrt 'Then I suppose you have
n better place In view."
Cook "b, no, mn'am. I'm only go
ing to gi-t married."
tirowiiiK Mure Fiendish.
Attendant (at Ins.ine asylum) Tills
man seems to I e innately cruel. For
a time he thought he was Nero.
Visitor What is he now?
"Oh, now ho thinks he's the lrfind on
an excursion steanilmat" Life.
Itepurtcc.
Mr. Foxy - So you are a grass wid
ow, cli?
Mrs. Grass -Why? Are you a grass
mower?
Cause for Sorrow.
"Say, Hags, why is Willie weeping?"
"Just because the weather has been
so cold during dog days that he hasn't
been mad enough to bite a lot of
people"
Proud of It.
Bunco Ike-Kin you write, Bill?
15111-Dat's a funny question to ask
me. Wasn't I arrested fer forgery
three times.
The Trouble.
Mrs. .Toiies-I always think twice be
ore I speak once, sir!
Mr. J ones iHlirhlmri Exactly. Maria:
tin t you're such a quick thinker. Puck
A Common Trait.
"All authors are alike."
"In what respect?"
"l-t one of them write any kind of
a volume and he Imagine he's booked
for immortality."
Very Nonchalant.
Bill Collector I've been carrying this
t1 11 against you for so long that It's
limost worn out
Skinner They certainly do make a
miserable quality of paper nowadays.
A Natural Conclusion.
Tommy Where you goin', Jimmy?
Jimmy Sunday-school.
Tommy Dug yer bait yet?
WIm Precaution.
New Boy (to prospective employer)
"Tessir, I kin do anything about the
office so long as It's not disrespectable."
An KicnK Wanted.
"Here's a story In the paper," said
the sentimental typewriter, "about the
death of a poor odd woman who just
irnxsed nway at the age of 00 without
a single relative in . the world. Isn't
lhat sad?"
"Sad?" cried the bill clerk. "Why,
It's almost criminal for a woman that
old to die In the heignt of the baseball
season ami not have at least one
gramlson." Ililladelphla Press.
He Wil Ho Ha Id headed.
"Do you know why I'm starting to
raise a beard?"
"1 suppose you want to be able to
locate your face."
Why She H rait a ted.
"John, that dog annoyed me all
uight"
"Well, why didn't you shoot him?
Vou have a revolver handy."
"I know, John, but it was a bulldog
revolver, and he was a black-and-tan."
Htrona Indeed.
Lady Do you ever touch strong
drink?
Tramp Yes, mum, I have drank Chi
cago wather when de bulletins said It
whs "suspicious."
Keey Enough.
"I wish you would do something for
my husband," said the anxious wife.
"He's worrying about money."
"lkn't be alarmed," answered the
physician, reassuringly, "I'll relieve
Mm of that"-PhJJadelpbla Record.
Her Little Joke.
He had sprung so many gags at her
exjiense that she thought it time to
get even.
' Henry," she exclaimed, as she came
homo to dlnucr, "I heard something
i his morning that opened my eyes."
What was It?" ho demanded, exelt-
'ulf.
"Why, 'the alarm dock, goose,"
I mprcaacd.
Kaiser "Was the Ann?rican lmprwe
; when you told him I allowed oidy
i .y five minutes for dinner?"
,'ecrctary "Yes, he said he couldn't
. why you wasted so much valuable
i-c c i somah.ng that was over la
.i in. nutts at twine."
by the Bad Baa.
Ida "How funny tzaa place Is that
year! There are a doaen men and eat)
one girl."
May "Yea, and tbey are all ef eat
family."
lda-"One family?"
May "Yes, she promised to be a ala
ter to all of them."
His Heward.
Cohensteln (rescued from the surf)
"Mine frlendt you haf .saved my Ufa.'
Life Saver "Dat's about de aise
It"
Cohensteln "Mine frelndt, noddinf
is too good for you: Ef I die befoet
you I vlll sbeak apoud die in heavenl"
-Puck.
Explained.
"Did yez bear about Mrs. Mulligan!
son runulu' fer office?"
"01 did not. Phwat koind av offlci
Is he runnin' fer?"
"Th' poKtoftlce. He is a special de
livery bhoy."
Be LI nil tbe Time.
"What is It," he asked breathlessly!
"a runaway horse?"
They looked at him In derision. "A
runaway horse? No! a balky autome
bile."
Wanted to Know.
Ida "Maude says the man she Is go
Ing to marry Is bold and fearless."
May "Indeed! Is he an umpire ct
a book agent?"
Spoiled tbe Arrangement.
"We'll sure have to pass a law to pre
vent suicide," said tbe Southern legie
lator.
"I didn't suppose suicides were eipe
cially prevalent hereabouts," remarked
tbe Northern tourist.
"Well, sub, thar was one prevalent li
onr town jail last week. A nigger hun
himself jest as the boys were gettbj
retidy to lynch him." Pbiladelphli
Press.
Sorry.
"Money talks, you know."
"So I've heard. By the way, woull
you mind letting me have a dollar ti
converse with for a few minutes?"
Her View.
Cholly Miss Peppery, how do yoi
pwonounce "g o-l-f?"
Miss Peppery--I pronounce it per
fectly Idiotic Philadelphia Press.
I'ncufe.
"Why dldu't you tell Toughboy that
he lied?"
"My telephone Is out of order." Nor
rlstown Herald.
Look Bad for Him.
"Willie, your mamma wants to givi
you some cookies, but she can't dni
they key to the pantry."
"That's all right pap; I can get li
without a key!"
"Oh! that's what I wanted to knowf
Fame.
"Why do you think your town is en
titled to dhrtlnctlon?" asked the tourist
"Because, stranger," responded th
native, "we barred out automobilee an
refused a Carnegie library." Chicagi
News.
A Comparison.
She Is It a finer landscape ovei
there?
He Oh, yes! It's wuth twenty dol
lars an fr more'n this Is! Puck.
Proof Positive.
Jumpuppe Does Wlsehead keep good
cigars at his house?
Slowdown -I shouldn't be surprised;
the ones he gives away are very bad.
Juat Poaaible.
"You say the pitcher has a glasi
arm," persisted the young woman i
the grand stand. "How can a man hav
a glass arm?"
"Can't he have a pane In it?" said
the young man. Impatient at having bit
attention diverted from the game.
Chlcago Tribune.
Mean Trick.
Sue Jack can't sit by me in the ham
mock any more.
Belle-How Is that?
, Sue Why, paw has attached a beh
tluit will ring if more than one occupy
the hammock.
Precious.
"And did you tell her she was worlb
her weight In gold?" asked Archibald,
"Par better!" responded Claude. "1
told her she was worth her weight hi
bad coal."
In tbe Presence of Ureatnesa.
Parke I suppose you have great
hopes of that new baby of yours,
haven't you?
LaneWell, yes, I have, old man.
When I think of what that baby li
likely to be I fairly tremble at my ows
InHlgniflcance'.-Detrolt Frpe Press.
An Excellent Plan.
"I wish there were a sure plan ol
ridding the country of tbe locusts,"
complained the farmer.
"1 bet you," declared the postmaster,
"that If tbe milliners would start t
trimming luibs with stuffed locusU
thiu-e wouldn't be one of 'em soon
around here any more for a hundred
years." Judge.
Maying in Luck.
"Did you have a lucky run at tbi
last town?" asked the comedian.
"Well, I should aay it was a luckj
run," responded tbe wandering thes
plan. "We Just crossed the limits ol
the town before the constablea grabbed
our heels."