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About Harrison press-journal. (Harrison, Nebraska) 1899-1905 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 5, 1901)
HAD NEWSPAPER SENSE,
SHE WOULDN'T TAKE TAFFY.
Rosenberg Yo' haf von oof der schmallest feet dot I baf efer seen
Miss Irene Excuse me fo' bein" pussonel, gah, but yo's a liah.
"Speaking about dreamis," said the
Boston insurance man as he relighted
the stub of his cigar, "I can't say that
I do or do not believe in them. One
night, during the palmy days of the
Louisiana lottery, J dreamed that a
certain ticket hit the capital prire.
Two daya later a friend showed me
that very ticket and I gave him f 25 for
"And it hit the prize?" was asked.
"No, sir; didn't come within a mile
"And have you any'other instance?"
"I have. A year or two ago I fell
asleep in a hammock one day and
dreamt that I was the biggest ass in
America for dreaming that other
"And did it turn out as you
"Waal, I have my wife's word for it
every hour in the day. and so I guess
it did. She wanted that 25 for a
spring bat, you see."
Charles "Did the tailor take your
Algy "I think he did. He said I'l
have to pay in advance."
"I h-have c-come," began the young
man, shaking so violently that he al
most upset the chair.
"H'm!" soliloquized the farmer. "1
bet a doughnut he has come around to
ask me for Mary Jane's hand. Well,
bere Is a chance to get rid of her at
"I I have c-come," repeated the
"Well, don't be bashful. You can
have her, my boy."
. "H-have w-who?"
"My darter. Didn t you come to ask
"N-no. I come to b-borrow some
quinine. I've got an ague c-chlll."
Blinks I hear you are about to start
a new paper. What are ypu going to
Jinks I had thought seriously of
calling it the Bugle.
Blinks Good! Just the thing if you
have fully made up your mind to blow
"Our party," said V.s politician, con
fidently, "will sweep the city."
, "I'll vote for it then," replied the
citizen; "the city certainly needs
- Won't yo" love me mo-Dinah?
II THE BOOK STORE.
Josh Wayback Gimme a lot of French novels I hear so much about
Mrs. Wayback What do you want them for. Josh?
Josh Wayback Well, Mand.r, we got a lot o' space to fill in the new
bookcase and they tell me them French novels is very broad.
ON THE WAT HOHC
"Does our talk annoy you?" asked
one of the ladies, addressing the man
who was trying to read his paper.
It was in an elevated car where peo
ple sometimes sit facing one another,
very near together.
"Oh, no," he answered, "not at alL
I employ a lady stenographed, and
have got so I can go right along about
my own business without listening,
unless there's something said that's
GETTING KID Or TIIEM.
Mrs. Stubb "John, the ashman re
fuses to take these old shoes. How
can we ever get rid of them?"
Mr. Stubb "Don't be uneasy, Maria.
There Is going to be a couple married
in the next house to-morrow, and we
can throw the old shoes after their
Mistress "Now, remember, Bridget,
the Joneses are coming for dinner to
Cook "Leave it to me, mum. I'll do
me worst! They'll never trouble yez
Any man who monkeys with a mule
is apt to come tp a bad end.
HER GLAD SIRPKISK.
"I have found out one thing about
my husband," said the bride who bad
been married before, "that surprises
Her friend moved up a little near
er, so that they could whisper, and
asked: "What is it?"
"His salary is Just as big as he told
me It was."
BIS FIRST COCR8KS.
"What were the first courses you
took?" asked the benevolent old party.
"Soup and fish," responded the col
lege student who had acted In capacity
f waiter during the summer.
Miss Peachblow "Did you
yourself on your vacation?
Kodak Idiot. "I can tell you better
after the Alms I exposed are developed."
If all the world loves a lover if no
Fonder his beat girl gets Jealous.
HE 60T HOARSE.
i . i ii nil. " ,. ,.,., mm. j"""-..
Gaggs I hear you came back from Texas with a bad case of bronchitis.
Wagga Yes; too much broncho.
As Incident That Admirably lllnetratwa
Walter B. Stevens, the secretary of
the Louisiana Purchase Exposition,
for which St. Louis is making great
Dreoarallons. was for many years con-
netted with the Globe-Democrat and
was an especial favorite of Joe Mc
Cullagh, Its chief editor. Since 1883
Mr. Stevens has been a Washington
:orrespondent, and was recognized as
3ne of the best of the corps. On one
:-casion when Mr. Stevens was in St.
Louis Mr. McCullagh was entertain
ing some visitors in his office, when
ihe conversation turned upon the dif
ference between men of equal intelli
gence in the matter of seeing more
han appeared on the surface of com
"Why. I have a man in this of-
Ice," Mr. McCullagh declared, "who
.an beat the world at such a game I'll
show you what he can do."
He called through the speaking tube
and Mr. Stevens responded, in person.
'Mr. Stevens." said the editor, i
have got to have something to fill
about a column and a quarter In to
morrow's paper. I wish you would go
3ut into the street and write up the
Brst thing you come across. Don t
star more than 30 minutes. I need
you for another assignment after you
are through with this."
At the stroke of the half hour in
walked Stevens with a batch of copy
in his hand.
I haven't auite finished that arti
cle" he remarked, "but It will take
me but a little while more."
"Oh. very well," said Mr. McCuI-
agh. winking slyly at his guests, "but
be as quick as you can about It."
It was not very long before Stevens
returned, laid the finished manuscript
on his chief's desk, took his further or
ders and retired, whereupon Mr. Mc
Cullagh and his friends examined
what he had written.
Mr. Stevens, It seems, had walked
as far as the nearest corner, where a
new building was in process of erec
tion. Apparently there was nothing
to be seen more than anyone could
Bee in any unfinished building. He
was nrobablv the only passer-by who
stopped and watched proceedings, and
he talked with the contractor on tne
curbstone about the little dummy
which was running ud and down- by
steam, supplying the bricks and mor
tar to the masons on the upper floors.
His article was a ltsrbt but thought
ful essay on "The Passing of the Hod
MET CS HOPE SO.
Pearl "1 see where some philan
thropist U going to run a few drug
Stores tor the purpose of giving free
Medicine to the poor."
Itaby "Gracious! I wonder if they
ill have a gratis soda counter at
' fun arnonMn.
E3H Bmko "1 have chosen a good
' mrtio tot mf boy warn he grows up."
Ormengoods-"Wht is It?"
C2I Ewfco 'B up sad doing.' "
Ostend "What is a 'horse laugh,'
Paw "It is a laugh the rural borse
gives when he sees an automobile
stalled in the mud, my son."
Pat "And how is the wife, Mlkef
Mike "Sure and I had the doctor
Pat "I didn't know thot she was
so sick as thot."
Mike "No, and she didn't need him;
but It she hod died, rare she would
always ov blamed me!" Judge.
MOT A MIRACLE EITHER.
Larry Thwas thor Iver inytblng
lny more wonderful thon th' camel go
ing tro th' eye of th' nadle?"
Denny "Yls. Ol've sane me two-hundred-pound
ould woman go tro
me vlst pocket, bedad."
ATHLETICS AND BEAUTY.
Kxerclae I Belter Than Phyelc to In
prove One'e Look.
American women are beginning to
realize that If they would preserve the
charms with which nature has en
dowed them they must pay attention
to physical exercise. But there is
danger in excess of athleticism. One
journal goes so far as to declare ath
leticism tends to overdevelop the mus
cle and produces coarseness, and that
in their pursuit of exercise women
lose their beauty and grace. The de
terioratlng influences of athleticism
are made responsible, too, according
to the same authority, for a new order
Df untidy, clumsy and badly dressed
women. In the case of the girls of the
Nelss family of athletes this theory
is at once and most emphatically dis
pellcd. The oldest, Hermlne, although
Oarely 20, is a splendidly built woman
Her pretty rounded and well-develop
ed arms must be stronger than many
man's, but there Is not the slightest
lusplciou of that exaggerated outline
which so often distinguishes the ath
icte. She attributes her unbroken
aealth to this constant round of exer
;lse. The suggestion that a strict
:ourse of diet was necessary to keep
them In good training amused these
3erman girls not a little. They have
to regulate their meals, however, but
like and eat whatever is gooa. A good
oearty breakfast, luncheon between
the afternoon and evening perform
ance and the principal meal in the
svening after their work is over is the
order of their day. With their meals
these gymnasts, like others of their
icx, take red wine and occasionally
champagne, but they would scorn the
Idea that (hey needed any influence to
give them pluck and courage. They do
not know the meaning of fear. Chi
Stubb "Is It a model debating
Penn "I guess so. They hare never
brought up the Sampson-Schley dispute."
Gnlzot lived through the most event
ful periods of modern France. He
was born In 1787 amid the tB!itt?r!nss
of the revolution. Guiiot's parent
were married by a prescribed Protest
ant pastor, and his birth was never
legally registered. His father, who
was an advocate, used his talent for
public speaking In the interests of the
persecuted Protestants, and became a
marked man. After living for several
weeks in danger of his life, he was at
last arrested, unwillingly enough, by
a gendarme who knew and respected
him. "Shall I let you escape?" said
tbo man. "Are you married?" replied
M. Gulrot. "Yes, I have two chll
Jrcn." "And so have I," replied the
prisoner, "but you would have to pay
for me; let us go on." They went on
ind M. Guisot died on the scaffold a
few days later. At this time Fran
cols, the future statesman, who was
the elder of the two children, was six
and ft half years old, and always pre
terved the recollection of going to see
his father In prison, or what was
euphemistically called the "house of
lusties. Gentleman's Magattne.
it la MtMwted that the rail war now
being built to connect Valparaiso with
th Rio de la Plata will be completed
la are or six years.
His left hand Is the plaee of honor
How Truly the Great
Fame of Lydia E. Pink
ham's Vegetable Com
pound Justifies, Her Orig
Lydia E. Plnkham'a Vegetable Compound.
It will entirely cure the worst forms of Ferrmlo Complaints all Uva
rian troubles, Inflammation and Ulceration ailing- and lJisplacfiment
of tho Womb, and consequent Spinal Weakness, and 13 peculiarly
adapted to the Chang-e of Life. ,
It has cured more cases of Backache and LeucorThcra . than anr
other remedy the world has ever known. It is almost infallible m suctt
cases. It dissolves and expels tumors from the b tenia hi an ear, sg3
cf development, and checks any tendency to cancerous humors.
Irret-nlar, Suppressed or Painful Menstruation eakness of the
Stomach, Indigestion, Bloating, Flooding, Nervous Prostration, Head
ache, General Debility quickly yields to it
Womb troubles, causing pain, weight, and backache, instantly re
lieved and permanently cured by its use. Under all circumstances m
acts in harmony with the laws that govern the female system, and is aa
harmless as water. , , .
It quickly removes that Bearing-down Fecllnjr, extreme lassi
tude, "don't care" and " want-to-be-left-alone " feeling, excitability,
irritability, nervousness, Dizziness, Falntncss, sleeplessness, flatulency,
melancholy or the "blues," and backache. These are sure indications
of Female Weakness, or some derangement of the Uterus, which this
medicine always cures.
Kidney Complaint and Backache of either sex the Vegetable
Compound always cures. ,
No other female medicine In the world has received snch
widespread and unqualified endorsement. No other medicine
has such a record of cures of female troubles.
Those women who refuse to accept anything else are re
warded a hundred thousand times, for they get what they want
a cure. Sold by Druggist everywhere. Refuse all substitutes.
REWRES NO COOKING
f PURPOSES ONLY1
I if mm
Tou get chromo starches
under all brands and
names, but they are all
the same poor stuff and
have to depend upon
something to sell them.
Use Defiance Starch. No
premiums, but 16 ounces
of the best starch tor 10c.
Don't ferret' It a better
quality and one-third
more of It
At Wholesale ly All Grocery Jobbers.
Vnr Mtrrt Thau n Quarter mf ftwrjr lh rfimtMion of W. T-
Dotui ml fry tor ifi, -Jim fort ami mt a tn,i-n ail oilwr
tnsyv a tins pri. i.witent njitiion Un twn won hj tuerit
tone. W, i. lMUfi aw. IlYm tU ltVt- BIIl-tU! lUSU UiUT JOJJ'laim
ftajtt hoa beouue trnt rruuuiun ivc the bet fcuu vaU tttoea uiuu be
BUUo)!vw fiS fitiHQttt rn in Amtrimn ritin il tny direct from factory U
uearw at one prujiii ami Octi thot Ututert cfttryttVure.
3-so SHOES '3-22
L, DOUGLAS vf
i a a mw Line unnui n
ln I annot
Equaled at Any Irtea.
' Tt Miuvlart hu lwT boon plswl to hlirti IhM t!w wrr mwtrm mon no for hit money
In the W. U IvjiibIm nj p.M lin tlun h .m Krt tlmitm. . t. ''"" n,1,k"tl
W. I Dnuiclai S3.00 and SMJio ihoni am mail of the wnw high-grade
tealltera lued In 93.00 and O.IM mart anu are jan aa goou iu tj.x. j .j
Inalct upon havlnc- W. I.. Douirtaa than with name and price dam
on miuiim. h tniL inrVn on tlr ol pn nn
width uanally wnm : ntln or oaD toe; ueary, meuiuni or ukoi aoua.
W. L. DOUCLAO, Brockton, Mass.
Some men have reasons for doing
things and some have excuses.
Caa foe Cannot Da Cared
by local application aa they cannot reach the
Slueared portion of tne rar. There ii only one
ltit!onrrerowtre. Heafnen it cauel hy ar.
InSamrd condition of tho mucui lininir of the
Euntarhlaa Tune. Wlinn thin lube Ik Inflamed
you hare a rumuling sound or Imyerfart benr
fnif, and when It Ih entirely rlowd Onttnn U
the result, nnd unlevr. the Influmicallon mn be
taken out and this tube re!or-l to lt normal
condition, hearing will be dntroycd forever:
Bine caoeeout of ten are raued by rntarrb,
which In nothing but'o lr.flained court I lion ol
the mucuH nurfaces.
We will ifleOne II -ind red Dollani for any cae
of peafnoM cauel by catarrh) thai cannot
be cured by Hall Catarrh Cure. Send for
areolar., free. a
Boli oy Druiflii!i. I.e.
Ball's Family i'ilU are the beat.
Plow or not plow, you must pay
Matt J. Jobnaon'a OOBS
has cured thoueanda of rheumtlm. It
Will cur you. Try It. All drusgiata.
wbqti woun ywxjable rux ca. No Vart.
FOR 30 CT8.
MRU TUUH SOO SACK
New Mill Oraer Heuu Inlha FM4
Send M)e (tllrcr or umpi) fur our family cata
logue; we luMrt a crrdlt nllp ood fur auc on any
thing you buy. We mm every thing. A benanmeat
Ku.ro by Mall, Kjtra Mpecutl to mine frlruda
and roatomera quickly, will lend ewh a pai kaga
tooth powder and a felt tooth brukh, 1 oa, frotea
perfume, package rator pal, I Ai-ma acarf holder.
I wax bouionaiere and eiexant oarf pin. Addreae
County Pair, 310 State it, Chicago.
A handsome hostess Is bad for the
If yon wieh bMutlfnl, fleer, white clothee
uae Ked Cro-ie HaU Blue. Large a os.
package, & oaota.
When two women are bitter enemies
there is always some man at the hot'
torn of It
For weakness, stiffness and soreness
Is aged people use Wlsard Oil. . Your
druggist knows this and sells tbs oil.
Lots of worry and trouble In
brought on by adrlce that Is sup
posed to praYSBt It.
eaaM. Book of Uai I mm I
n Dttcovtmri jtres
UailmimlaU rod ia a.f a traatmaaa
a, wnn sen, gaMa. aa.
W. N. U. OMAHA. No. 48-1901
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