BY THE SID
Dick "You're the only woman I ever loved."
Ethel "You're joking."
Dick "No, truly. The others were all girls."
At It Might Have Been.
Wederly "I don't believe the aver
age mother-in-law Is half as black as
she Is painted."
Singleton "Don't you, really?"
Wederly "No. My mother-in-law
tried to do me a favor once that
would probably have made me happy
for life had she succeeded."
Singleton "What did she do at
tempt suicide?"
Wederly "No.' She refused her con
sent to my marriage with her daugh
ter, but I like a blooming idiot, in
duced the girl to elope with me."
The Professor.
It was early on the morning, of Oct.
1901, the thirtieth anniversary of the
great fire.
The professor being unable to sleep,
had gone out of doors to look at the
stars.
Suddenly the glare of a tremendous
conflagration down-town caught his
eye, and he heard the rattle and rum
ble of fire engines hastening to the
scene of danger.
"Well," he said, "it's quite evident
that for the last thirty years Chicago
has been between two Ares."
The Lizzard Why is Mrs. Spider crying?
The Toad She telegraphed her husband to kill her a house fly for dinner
and he understood it horse fly and was killed In the combat
Unpractical Man.
Cooke It's surprising how unprac
tical some men are.
Brooke Why, how's that?
Cooke Well, there's Prof. Linguist,
for example. He spent the best part
of bla life acquiring fluency in nine
or ten different languages, and then
went and married a wife who never
give him a chance to get a word in
dgeways. Tit-Bits.
in Earthly Angel.
Bald he: "If you will be my wife
Tou shall never know a care;
With an angel for an earthly mate
There is nothing I'd not dare."
"No doubt," ahe answered calmly,
"Bat somewhere I have read
That fools oft rush In blindly
Where angels fear to tread."
Father "Tommy, this Is a very bad
report yon bring from school." Tom
my"l know It, papa; but yon said
K I brought home a good report you
would give me a quarter, and I wanted
Jo ave yon that expense."
anta a III '
A fta sometlmea attaches a great
MCsX Of Importance to himself." re
ZtUi Mr. Meekton'i wife. "Tea,"
' f-jrrsrsd Leonidaa, with a Chester
,"t "enpoctany wbea
rN-WaaUagtoa Star.
haf eigrewlgn I new
xr, TUt'i the wort wit
YTmC C3W it aMMf 1
73trrarwwit,wri$.
3 1. rt:3."(-Cttr TrtBwa.
''V.'.' ' s
Pictorial Minor
SEA WAVES.
SUMMER
Sister "Mary received a box of lovely silk stockings from London yester-
day.'
Brother"! guess you'll see her on
A
"If It waan't for one thing, I bet
minute."
"What's the one thing?"
"The distance Is too far for tbe
1Lri-LruLnjnTnr - r -
KakMae It la.
Miss Cutting I hare a good joke on
my cousin Clara. Without her glasses,
you know, It Is almost Impossible for
her to distinguish one person from an
other, and this morning ahe actually
talked to a dummy In front of a cloth
lag store for 10 minutes, thinking It
was you.
loftlelgk Wanlly! And bow did
ahe aw dlaoorah her mistake ?
Kiss Cuttlng-the didn't; there's
where tbe joke soeaes In. -Chicago
Xews,
KNEW niS DITIES.
A young clerk in a wholesale house
has been spending a large portion ot
his salary for the last fw Any buying
cigars for friends who are "on" to a
jok ilml was perpetrated on him. His
employer engaged a new boy, and as
fon as the boy came to the establish
ment he was Instructed in his duties by
our friend, who had been promoted to
the position of assistant bookkeeper
and given a small office by himself.
About an hour after the boy started in
the boss came around, and seeing him
working, asked:
"Has the assistant bookkeeper told
you what to do?"
"Yes, sir," was the prompt reply; "ho
told me to wake up when I saw you
coming around."
He went fishing, and when he came
back a friend niet him and asked:
"Did you catch anything?"
"No!" In a tone of scorn.
"Well," exclaimed the friend, "you
are truthful, anyhow, which all fish
ermen are not."
"As to that," responded the fisher
man, "perhaps you might have called
them fish, but I wouldn't The big
gest one 1 got only weighed 13
pounds." Stray Stories.
KN0CKIN6.
the street every rainy day after this."
Kindly.
Miss Anteek She's very rude. She
told me yesterday that I was "a home
ly old thing."
Miss Goodheart Ye9, I heard her,
and I took her to task for It afterward.
Miss Anteek Did you really?
Miss Goodheart Yes; I told her she
should think how sensitive you must
be about it Philadelphia Press.
Woman-Like.
Tesa She says she can't understand
why people call him a flatterer.
Jess She does, eh?
Tess Yes; I guess it's because he
never said anything flattering to her.
Jess More likely he did say some
thin flattering and she's trying to
make herself believe he was In earn
estPhiladelphia Press.
Why He Ke raped.
The Literary Editor: "That fellow
Scribbler sent In a poem this morn
ing entitled 'Why do I live?'"
The Editor: "What did you do with
It?"
The Literary Editor: "Returned It
with an enclosed slip saying: 'Because
you mailed this instead of bringing it
personally,' "
CINCH.
that horse of mine could go a mile In
t
time."
. i-11-LrirL-LT.-LrL-LnAjTJTJlAJTJVL
At as i4fiata
"Blnx Is a bit of a bore, but he's very
fond of children. "Tee," answered Miss
Cayenne. "He can Utl them all his
stories without so much risk of their
saying they bare beard then before."
Washington Star.
Wetee Tee.
Mother If yon marry hli
you will meat at leisure.
DasghtrWen, I aaa't
In haste
think of any ether girl rep sating
leisure vita hlav Puck.
K00SEYELT STORIES.
INCIDENTS WHICH EXHIBIT VARIOUS
CHARACTERISTICS.
riantlnff Onions Amusing- the Children
with Pictures A "Bluff" to a C'ox
eouiu 1IU Onion Patch at Oyster
ISay.
Much has been published about Pres
ident Roosevelt's personality, but
probably only these who have svxrit
him from day to day in his family life
can realize his extreme simplicity of
manner and conduct. Ilia home life
has always been bo delightful. In his
leisure momenta at Oyster Bay he has
enjoyed the companionship of his fam
ily and taken a rare delight in direct
ing the affairs of his small estate.
Soon after bis return from Cuba his
aged gardener came up the walk, hoe
in hand, and tipping hU cap, said:
"Mr. Roosevelt, I've come to finish
that talk we had the other day about
those onion beds." "What talk,
James?" asked Roosevelt, with .a
smile. "Oh." said the gardener, "you
know that the afternoon you received
that telegram to go to Cuba you and 1
were standing here and laying out an
onion patch. If it suits you, let us
plant those onions now!" And the
onions were planted.
Amusing the Children.
The President has a quiver full of
olive branches, and likea children other
than his own. Except that he became
busier and more accessible, Roosevelt
carTied the same domestic habits and
preferences with him from his Oyster
Bay home to the Governor's residence
at Albany. One day a clique of New
York city politicians who had come up
on a special train to see Gov. Roosevelt
rushed into the corridor of the Capitol
and upaet the offico boys and secre
taries. Gov. Roosevelt was absent from
his room and no one knew Just where
he could be found. A dozen messen
gers were sent out in search for him,
and after 10 or 13 minutes he was
found, curled up In a corner with one
or two neighbors' boys and a street
arab, drawing pictures of ponies and
guns on a writing table. The children
had waylaid him and begged him to
show them pictures of the guns and
the mustangs he had in the war. At
another time a New York artist found
him In the executive chamber, half
buried under children clambering over
his chair, while he strove to show
them photographs of the scenes of the
campaign.
"Turning Down" a Coxcomb.
Some years ago, when President
Roosevelt was better known among his
friends as a devotee of sport and a
seeker after health in the far west, he
met repeatedly in New York city a
young man who lost no opportunity to
snub him, and who suggested without
disguise the possibility of a final set
tlement on some "field of honor."
Roosevelt met him for awhile with
cool reserve and equally undisguised
contempt, but finally astonished the
upstart with a genial greeting, several
extended conversations and a cordial
invitation to hU country home. The
carriage was In waiting at the station,
and Roosevelt received his guest with
distinguished consideration, fed him
on trout from the upper Adirondacks,
and Anally led him Into his library and
trophy room. Then, taking down a
huge knife, Roosevelt ran his finger
carelessly over the edge, remarked that
it was the blade with which ho had
killed a savage Indian planning an as
sault upon his person, and handed the
wepon over for closer examination.
After that the President took up a lit
tle case, emptied It of a half dozen
teeth, and remarked: "This, I'm proud
to say, Is all that is left of Jim, the
chopper, who thought he ought to
throw me down Hale's gulch, and fell
Into it himself. And this," said be,
continuing, and reaching for a long,
round pasteboard labeled "dynamite,"
"this is the Invention of a friend of
mine and known a the camper's and
woodsman's companion a bit of dy
namite, equally handy to blow open the
Ice In the winter season for fishing or
blow up " Tbe story, as told at
Oyster Bay, Is that tbe Impudent
young coxcomb suddenly became HI,
excused himself to Roosevelt and hur
ried sway home, never to annoy him
again.
Motor That Failed.
A moving story is now being told In
Paris, writes a correspondent, of the
sad Issue to a piojict for developing
the French Soudan by means of motor
cars. A company was formed about a
year ago to make money by undertak
ing to purvey' suppllr to all the sta
tions on the Soudan, Niger and Senegal
In automobiles. Sixty were built at a
cost of 480 each strung wagons of
nine horte power, fit for rough colonial
wear and tear. Unhappily one detail
had been overlooked. There are no
roads In these far regions, and, after
experiences too painful to relate the
cars had all to be abandoned In the
wilds, where they still He, so many ob
jects of acute Interest to the Jackals.
The upshot Is that they, still lie Im
bedded In tbe sands, snd anybody who
wants 28.000 worth of motors can
have them for tbe fetching from the
African bush.
Seailmeasel Teday.
Little Teddy (to mamma, who Is cut
ting papa's halr "Mamma, may I
take one of papa's curie?" Mamma
"Tea, darling." (To papa ) "gee what
an affectionate, sentimental angel that
little fellow Is. JCven at his tender age
he knows enough to pnse tbe mere
curl on his dear papa's head." Little
Teddy (as he sees mamma trying to
pick aim a good sped aen "Hurry,
nuuBSsa, I wast It for a new tall for
y horse." Hew Tork Tim
GLIMPSES OF TWO POETS.
Mlaa Lovlaa Coarteway DlneS erltk
South? and Kaiuuel Rogers,
Miss Louisa Courtenay, a delightful
old English lady who is rapidly near
Ing ber ninetieth year, had the pleasure
in her early girlhood of attending a
dinner-party her first at which both
Wordsworth and Southey were among
the guests. Tbe fortunate "miss of
fifteen" sat next Southey at table. "I
was placed by him at dinner," she
saya, "auu had a good opportunity ot
judging of his noted taciturnity, for b
never spoke a word. We had some
roast mutton, and a dish of laver (a
water-plant) stood before me; those
were the days of side dishes and of
silver epergnes with artificial flowers
In them. My father was held to be
something of a gourmet, and I was not
his daughter for nothing; so after
waiting a few moments to see if it
would be handed round, I helped my
self to some of the laver from the dish
before me. Then Southey t,poke:
"Young lady, I am glad to see that you
appreciate laver; give me some.' I did
so, and he relapsed into silence which
remained unbroKen till the end of the
meal." Still farther back into the past
another recollection of the fortunate
Miss Courtenay carries us. and affords
a glimpse of a far greater poet, less
taciturn and less kindly than the tranquil-minded
Southey. She dined often
with the aged wit and poet, Samuel
Rogers, and at one of his dinner-parties
heard his reply to a guest who In
quired If it was true that he had seen
Pope. He had not; it would have been
possible; but he had met a man a
waterman at Twickenham who had
often seen him. Rogers had pointed
out Tope's villa to a friend while cross
ing the ferry. "I'pon this the ferry
man remarked that It had been much,
altered since Mr. Alexander Pope's
time. So they had fallen into conver
sation, and the man, In reply to Mr.
Roger's question whether he remem
bered Mr. Pope, said he remembered
him well. 'Mr. Alexander Pope' with
a Btresa on tbe Alexander 'used to
come most days for a row In my fath
er's boat. I was a lad then, and helped
my father. When the weather was bad
he would be brought down in his
sedan-chair, for he was a delicate gen
tleman; chair and all would be put in
the boat, and be sat in It while we
rowed him up and down.' Cannot one
see him the little hunchbacked, deli
cate gentleman, looking out from his
chair on the silvery Thames as he took
his solitary airing up and down?"
Youth's Companion.
FRENCH IDEAS OF NEW YORK.
Steam Discarded and Elertrlclty Con
aldered Oat of Date.
Ie Martin, a Paris paper of consid
erable circulation, recently printed an
article on New York city and the won
derful things to be seen there. Some
of the statements are a trifle tall, a3
will be seen from the following ex
tracts: "The Americans are decidedly
Insatiable. While we are still using
steam engines for our railways they
have long ago tasted of the benefits of
electrical traction, and now they are
commencing to abandon electricity for
compressed air. Tbe New York line of
Manhattan uses now, to the exclusion
of all other modes, compressed air en
gines, and it appears that the results
are so marvelous that the transatlantic
papers proclaim steam as a thing of
the past and electricity old-fashioned.
The air is compressed In what the
American calls a 'power station,'
something lika a gas factory. It !s
compressed until It attains an expan
sive power of 1,500 to 2,000 kilos per
square centimeter that It occupies. It
Is then transferred on board the loco
motive, where it is stored In a large
steel tank, which replaces the boiler.
There It Is furthermore compressed by
tbe use of reduction valves, and. reach
ing a certain pressure, It gets heated.
It Is then ready for use. In brief, to
listen to the Americans, it is the loco
motive long dreamed of."
Their Names on a Volcano.
Leon J. Dutton Is back t.cra Guate
mala, says the Philadelphia Record,
full of enthusiasm over the unsus
pected beauties of the southern coun
tries. Mr. Dutton's mission was to
map out a route and prepare an Itiner
ary for a party of Philadelphia archae
ologists, who will leave this city in Feb
ruary thoroughly equipped to explore
the ruins of ancient cities that were
Juilt centuries ago. One of Mr. Dut
ton's strangest experiences was en
countered while traveling from Chama,
In Guatemala, to Belize, In Honduras.
In bis path lay tbe extinct volcano ot
El Agua, the summit of which Is 14,450
feet above tbe level of tbe sea. As
cending to this height be found a tab
let of sandstone, on which an Inscrip
tion bad been carved. He bad no dif
ficulty In deciphering three names, as
follows: Alexander L'dvert, Ht Peters
burg; Edward Leigh Page, London,
and Joseph Cros key, Philadelphia. Un
der these names was the date August
26, 1834. A further Inscription an
nounced that tbe three travelers bad
on that spot opened a bottle of wine
and drank a toast to the rulers of the
three nations they represented.
Aaatralla Waal Kavy.
A Sydney correspandent says that
Blr John Forrest, tbe minister for de
fense. Is engaged In drafting a federal
naval policy. Ha announces the even
tual formation of an absolutely Aus
tralian navy, which hs looks upon as
being speedily neecstary. The existing
system of paying Great Britain for her
naval defense he deems unsatisfying
to the aspirations of the common
wealth. Meanwhile be proposes to
maintain local brigades and to eneour
ags the seafaring element on the
coast
The Smallest Piece of 3aal Estate.
The smallest parcel of real estate In
New York city is for sale. It la lo
cated at tlio corner of Third avenue
and East One Hundred and Forty
nluth street, and the lot Is 6x11 inches.
A new building Is going up on the
corner and the people who are erecting
it wanted the small lot. They offered
1200 for the sit. Frederick I'hl, tbo
owner, demands 1,000, and will very
likely receive it.
Whta.r Slave,
Among the interesting things on
view with the collection of books by
negro authors at Buffalo is an auto
graph of Webster, dated March 19,
1847: "I have paid 1120 for the free
dom of Paul Jennings. He agrees to
work out the same at 3 a month, to
be found with board, clothes and
washing, to begin when we return
south. His freedom papers 1 give him.
They are recorded in this district."
This Jennings was the Bon of one of
President Madison's slaves, his father
being an Englishman of family. He
became a body servant of Madison, and
afterward wrote "A Colored Man's
Reminiscences of President Madison."
Cripple's Good Fortune.
The London srhool board has opened
the first of a series of schools for
cripples. The children are taken from
their homes to school in an ambu
lance and afterward taken home by
ambulance. The school curriculum in
cludes a substantial midday meal.
The Teacher's Wife.
Clarissa, Minn., Oct. 28th. Mrs.
Clara Keys wife of Charles Keys,
school teacher of this place, tells a
wonderful story.
For years her life was one of mis
ery. Her back ached all the time; her
head ached all the time; neuralgia
pains drove her to desperation. She
used much medicine, but failed to get
any relief till she tried Dodd's Kidney
Pills. She says:
"Very soon after I began using
Dodd's Kidney Pills all my aches and
pains vanished like, the morning dew.
I consider this remedy a God-send to
suffering womanhood."
Encouraged by thdr success in her
own case, Mrs. Keys Induced her
mother, an old lady of 74 years, to use
Dodd's Kidney Pills for her many
aches and pains. Now both, mother
and daughter rejoice in perfect free
dom from illness or suffering which
Is something neither bad enjoyed for
years before.
Be(an In Journalism.
Through the door of Journalism,
Marlon Crawford has attained tbe fine
position he holds as a novelist. His
first novel, "Mr. Isaacs," was pub
lished twenty years ago. He now lives
a great deal of his time In the United
States. He was 47 years old on Aug
ust 2.
Never Should Have lleen Started.
The movement to raise funds to buy
Admiral Cervera a loving cup has
come to grief. His remarks about
America in connection with Mr. Mc
Klnley's death did not please the "Cer
vera Memorial Association," of Sid
ney, N. Y., and that body has now de
cided that Cervera is undeserving ot
a testimonial.
Tha Dietetic and ITyslenle Gazette
says: "Walter Baker & Co., of Dor
chester, Mass., U. S. A., have given
years of study to the skilful prepara
tion of cocoa and chocolate, and have
devised machinery and systems pe
culiar to their methods of treatment,
whereby the purity, palatablllty, and
highest nutrient characteristics are re
tained. Their preparations are known
the world over and have received the
highest indorsements from the medical
practitioner, the nurse, and the intel
ligent housekeeper and caterer."
Edward' Cham.
One of the greatest of King Ed
ward's favorites among the foreign
ambassadors to England is M. de
Soveral, tbo Portuguese ambassador.
He is a fine looking man, with black
eyes, a huge mustache slightly touch
ed with gray, and is almnst entirely
bald. His wit Is Inexhaustible and bis
knowledge of English perfect
WHY IT IS TOR BEST
Is because made by an entirely different
proceaa. Defiance Starch la unlike any
other, better and ouu-lhiru mora fur HI
CUIUS.
Still Mrs. Black-bora.
Mrs. Mary Blackburn, for many
years a clerk In the war department at
Washington, has resigned to become
the bride of Senator-elect Blackburn,
of Kentucky. Mrs. Blackburn Is tbe
widow of tbe late Judge H. H. Black
burg of Martlnsburg, W. Va., a distant
relative of Senator Blackburn.
8
Trifling that Costs. 5
Neglect
Scixtica scd Lcchjo
And you may be dleibled and
, .- Incapacitated for work lor
many Iocs days.
St Jacobs Oil
aslavkt
mi mv time,' mmtf mi
Conquers Pain
Prteo, $c mU goc.
SOU) STALL
