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About The farmers' alliance. (Lincoln, Nebraska) 1889-1892 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 4, 1890)
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LINCOLN, NEBM SATURDAY, OCT. 4, 1890.
'1 "Jl VY
Notice to Subscribers.
As the euiett and cheapest means of noti
fying eubecrlbera of the date of their expira
tions -we will mark this notice with a blue or
red pencil.on the date at which their iubaorip
tton expire. We will tend the paper two
week after expiratien. If not renewed by
that time it will be discontinued.
Written for The Alliance by Mrs. J. T. Kellie.
The Pauper's Cowhides.
Tune: Kingdom Comino.
Say, Itichards have you seen the paupers,
With a mortgage on their lands,
Going: to congress with their cowhides,
KAnd honest horny hands.
They saw the scheemers each year stealing-
Their hard earned crops away,
And their sod houses they are leaving:
To right their wrongs to-day.
To congress now, ho! ho
The cowhide boots will run
This must be the hayseed jubilo,
And the pauper's ngdom come.
Money changers say that by no paupers
Their demands shall be denied;
They scorn them now as they long ago
Scorned a pauper crucified.
They judge men by the wealth they've stolen
And the patent boots they wear:
Say drones of earth alone can rule us,
That no cowhide rule they'll bear.
They used to tan the skins of paupers .
Down in an eastern land;
But Ilichards' patent turns them out
With skins already tanned.
But the banker's power will soon be broken,
Their gold will lose its sway;
When the cowhide boots get into congress
They'll brinir a better dav.
BY AKTnUH L. KELLOQ.
Tune: Savha Pooh Sinkek Like Me.
I was once a tool of oppression,
And us green as a sucker could be,
And monopolies bauded together
To beat a poor hayseed like me.
The railroads and old party bosses
Together did sweetly agree;
And they thought there would be little
In working a hayseed like me.
They told me that politics always
Were filthy and foul, don't you see;
A ad raising my turnips and cabbage
Would be better for hay seeds like me.
And at every election they fed me
With taify as sweet as could be,
But when they elected their ticket
They forgot a poor hayseed like me.
They sold themselves out to the banker,
And thought it would be a fine spree
To fire all the greenbacks and silver
And rob all such hayseeds as me.
They went into league with the devil
For the sake of a high license fee,
But never a cent of the profits
Has come to a hayseed like me.
But now I've roused up a little.
And their greed and corruption I see,
And my neighbors are waking around me,
And I find they're all hayseeds like me.
And so we've foriaed an Alliance,
From oppression we're bound to be free,
And the ticket we vote next November
Will be made up of hayseeds like me.
Were bound to uphold the amendment
In spite of the Omaha Bee,
Aad the rum power will go to the bottom
By the vote of such hayseeds as me.
BI" !. E. VAUGHN .
Tune; Marching along.
farmers are gathering from near and
The Alliance is sounding the call for the war.
The battle is raging, it will be fearful and
We'll gird on our armor and be marching
Men are before us that would lead us astray,
But let us not follow or turn from the wav;
The pass word our strength, be this ever our
We'll join the Alliance and go marching
We've 'listed for life and will camp on the
With faith in the Alliance we never will
United we stand, both trusty and strong,
We will pull altogher and be marching along.
Through hardships and trials our gold we
For here we contend against monopolies ring;
But one thing is certain, we cannot go wrong,
If we pull altogether while marching along.
Marching along, we are marching along,
Stand by each other while marching along.
The battle is ragiDg, 'twill be fearful and
Then pull altogether while marching along.
The Old Soldier Racket.
J. W. Pearman, formerly of this state,
has been brought back here by the rail
road gang to work the old soldier. In
addition to being one of the lowest
blackguards that ever disgraced the
state, there isn't a more unconscionable
liar west of the Mississippi river than
this same Pearman. For this fellow to
set himself up as an adviser to old sol
diers is simply disgnsting. Parolles is
his only counterpart.
The Relation of the Farmers to the Rail
roads Grain Rates and the Inter
In the Chicago Railway Review of July
26, Mr. Aldace F. Walker reviews the
arguments of G. W. Lambertson, of
Nebraska, before the Inter State Com
merce Commission, in behalf of lower
freight rates on Nebraska errain. and
presents the arguments in favor of the
. . . ' - . .
railroad side of the question.
Such arguments may be epitomized
in two paragraphs as follows:
lhe uommission claims to have
found that the average cost of produc
ing a bushel of corn on a Nebraska
farm and delivering the same at the
railroad station is lo cents. This is
certainly an outside figure, and it in-
eludes not only the cost of all labor and
'actual expenses paid out, but also inter-
est upon the farmer's entire property,
xioi, Bimpiy nis investment, out me cur-
rent marKet vaiue oi tne iana.
To this paragraph the following clip
ing from a Nebraska paper is the farm
"A gentleman now a resident of this
city, formerly a resident ef Iowa, states
that in 1883 he sold 160 acres of land in
Crawford county, Iowa, for $25 per acre.
Since that time the Chicago, Milwau
kee & St. Paul railroad has built a line
and started the town of Bucks Grove
within eighty rods of the farm, but not
withstanding this he was offered the
entire farm the other day for $15 per
acre, making a depreciation of $1,600 in
the value in seven years. He states
that all through that part of Iowa he
can buy improved farms for $8 to $10
less per acre than he could get wild
land for seven years ago."
Mr. Walker then proceeds to state
that "In other word3. the farmer at
Lincoln, in receiving 18 cents per bush
el for his corn, gets more than he is
willing to allow the railroad company,
for he realizes full return for actual ex
penses, and interest upon not the first
cost, but upon the present value of his
plant." But the present value of the
farmer's land, as will be seen from the
above clipping, is much less, including
improvements and all, than the first
cost of the raw land, and does not in
clude the value of improvements made,
so that Mr. Walker's statements are
mip aiding, to say the least.
j. lie farmer, although the most inte-
iested party, has nothing whatever to
say in reference to the valuation or
price of his farm, such value or price
having been gradually and continuous
ly decreased, until the depreciation in
value since 1873 has been at least 50 per
cent. This depreciation has been caus
ed directly (in common with that of all
other values, both of rear estate and all
other produce and commodities, by the
insufficient volume of currency and by
the appreciation in the value of gold,
caused by the demonetization of silver
and the adoption of the single gold
standard, contrary to law) by the treas
urer of the United States,
And the same legislation, indirectly,
has caused a greater depreciation in
value of farm lands, as com pared with
other values, because the fall in price of
all farm products has rendered farm
ing unprofitable and farm lands unde
sirable property to own and pay taxes
upon. But the mortgage upon the
farm has not only not decreased in its
face value, but on the contrary, has
largely increased in actual value, be
cause it takes so much more produce of
all kinds to pay both principal and in
With these facts in view we will pro
ceed to aoconsideration of Mr. Walker's
plea that the farmers are not willing to
allow the railroads " interest upon not
the first cost, but upon the present val
ue of " the roads. To one not aware of
the actual facts this plea may appear to
be plausible, but it is, in fact, specious
Railroad values (represented as they
are by interest-bearing bonus ana divi
dend paying stocks) Tike farm mort
gages, have wonderfully increased, not
in iace, dui in actual values, Dy reason
of the increased purchasing power of
the money received as interest and divi
dends. If the value of railroad property
was justly to bear the same depreciation
from the same cause that the farm
lands and farm products have suffered,
then the rates of frieght upon all classes
of farm produce should have been low
ered in the same proportion that the
prices of farm produce have fallen. But
such has not been the case, as freight
upon corn was about the same last
spring when corn was selling for fif
teen cents, as when it was selling for
fifty cents. Moreover, railroad values
unlike any other values, are largely he
titious. Instead of interest being based
upon the principal, the amount of exist
ing principal is determined by the
amount of interest paid.
In other words, the supposed value
of a railroad is that amount upon which
tribute exacted from the people will
pay a fair rate of interest, while the
limit of this tribute is affixed by the
owners of the railroads, who "charge
all the tramc will bear." It will be no
ticed at once, that the railroads under
this arrangement possess privileges
and advantages that are not and cannot
be accorded to the farmer. If the farmer
were not subject to the" law of price
and to the fluctuations of values, but
could set the price of his products at
such figures as would pay him for his
labor and expenses, and interest on his
land and improvements, then he would
have no quarrel with or grievance
against the railroads. But he cannot
do this. He has to take what he can
get for his grain, while the gold bugs
have legislated away the value of his
1 L'lir-i. - i !
iariu auq. ms liieume oi ton, as repre
sented by improvements.
In the face of this state of affairs it is
astonishing that the railroads have nev
er limited themselves to "the first cost
or actual value of their plant."
Poor's Manual" for 1888 states that
the cose in money of all the railroads in
operation did not exceed the amount
of indebtedness, to-wit: $3,787,410,000
and that the capital stock of $3,708,060,
583 was water, or in excess to the cost
of construction. And he puts the cost
at $d0,UU0 per mile, which is too high.
j. ne Kaiiway Lae puts tne cost ot con
struction in 1889 at $20,000 per mile
Mr Blaine's article in the North Ameri
can Review, in reply to Mr. Gladstone,
takes another billion dollars from the
cost (to the stockholders) of the road.
He says: "If all the advances to rail
way companies, together with the out
right gifts by towns, cities, counties,
states and nation be added together the
money value would not rail short ot $1,
000,000,000." And it may be added that
since 1888 the issue of fraudulent bonds
and watered stock has more than kept
pace with the building of new railroads
JNow the farmers demand:
First That the capitalization of rail
roads shall be reduced by the ellimina
tion of fraudulent bonds and stock to
the present value of the plant, i. e., cost
of construction and subsequent improve
Second That such value shall show
the same depreciation as evidenced by
lower freight rates, as the farms of
i a j i-i , i -,
Aiucuca. uuw as eviuencea Dy tne ae-
creased prices of all agricultural pro
Third As the net receipts, above all
cost and expenses of operation, will av
erage, tor a series of years, one-half of
the gross receipts, and one-half of such
net receipts or profits are made
upon fraudulent and fictitious capitali
zation, they demand that the rates be
reduced one-fourth, when they would
continue to pay the present rate of in-
terest upon the present actual ''value of
tne piant." ueorge U. Ward, in Indus
"Thou shalt be happy!" so I told my 6eart
One mmmir morninir many a year ago:
"Thou shalt be happy; thou shalt have thy
Of mirth and feastings in the great world
Thou shalt have health and wealth.high fam
Thy plare shall be with those who ait
Thou shalt have unshine on the dullest days,
And. best of all, my heart, thou shalt hare
Thus, in the morning of my days, I spake
Unto my heart, and gladly it replied: -The
world is all before us, we can make
Joy for ourselves, a never-ebbine tide."
So we set out, my heart and I, in mirth,
To seek for happiness upon the earth.
God gave us health and wealth, and we were
Thus, for a season, waiting joys to come;
God gave us fame and praise, a little sad
We were, my heart and I, amid tne bum
Of voices lauding us, till one, more dear
Then all the rest, spake gentle words ana
Then we grew jubilant with right good cheer,
And happiness came on with flying feet,
Drew near but passed. Alas! myheartandl,
We eouid not hold the radiant wanderer
One rose-tonch of ber lips in fleeting by
Was ours; one precious look the first, the
Bhe will return, we said, with love's new birth.
There must be happiness for us on earth.
We lost fair health, my heart and I, and fell
Sore sick; were sorrowful, found dreary
We lost our wealth, and none drew near to tell
Of comfort waiting us in better days.
But where is happiness? Alackl we fiad
She is not ours to beckon as we list;
We have no magic spell wherewith to bind
This rare, bright visitant to earth, we
The royal road to happiness; but lo!
Something is saved us from the wreck ol
We have content, though doubtful blessings
And peace entwines our crosses great and
We learn, my heart and I. the world's true
And seek for happiness but not on earth.
All the l ear Kound.
TIIE K0SY WRAPPER.
BY U1ST H. SMITH .
ful, but perfectly use
less!" exclaimed Hel
en Austin, as she lift
ed a cashmere wrap
per from the box in
which it had been
packed, and shook out
its soft folds.
It was beautiful, in truth. The
ground was a lovely rose color, over
which meandered a delicate vine,
with sprays of wild roses and buds
of a deeper tint, and faint green
leaves. A little, not too much, soft
lace finished neck .and sleeves, while
one or two bows gave piquancy to
the whole. It was a bridal present,
which had just come to Helen Austin
on the day before her marriage.
"It is just like Cousin Mary," con
tinued the bride-elect; "fine, dainty,
exquisite; but it would be utterly
out of harmony with my blacks and
browns and grays. I could never
wear it in the world."
"But my dear, is there any law
compelling you to wear only blacks
and browns and grays?" asked Mrs.
Lindley, the friend to whom she was
Certainly there is; the law of fit
ness, of propriety. An elderly spin
ster, who marries a doctor of divini
ty and his four boys, keeps her house
and does her share of parish work,
ought to be attired with becoming
"But the colors would be so be
coming to you," pleaded her friend.
"Yes, I used to wear those colors
in my young days, and it L were lo,
or even 28 instead of 48, as I am
it would be just the thing. But will
vou look at the label: 'A Rainy Day
Wrapper? whatever does cousin
"Just what she says. Helen. She
wants you to wear it in your new
home to brighten the dull, rainy, de
pressing mornings for your husband
"1 thought cousin Mary had a bet
ter sence ol correspondences. Now, if
I could ever bring myself to put on
this dainty thing, it would be upon
some cloudless Sunday morning in
earl v June. 1 should want to sit un
on the piazza, with the flowers blos
soming and the birds singing, and
the blue sky overhead, and every
thing in harmony. Even then I'm
sure I should feel like a little brown
sparrow in the leathers of a bird ol
paradise. A rainy day wrapper, in
deed! No, thank vou. Mv gray one
with the Persian trimming will do
well enough for rainy davs.
My dear, you are wronw, believe
me, and Cousin Mary is right. She
has lived in a house full of brothers
all her life, and knows, as I do, that
the masculine eye delights in soft,
.pretty colors. Men don't always
know what it is that pleases them,
but they are pleased with bright,
cheerful colors in a woman's dress.
You should wear the wrapper for the
sake oi your husband and boys.
"Oh, as for Dr. Kendall, the dear
man! he is so absorbed in his studies
that he would never know whether I
was robed in sky blue or grass green
or dandelion yellow, or poppy red
bless himl As for Phil and Teddy
they are rampaging boys, too young
to know or care what anybody
wears; while Max and Howard are
young gentlemen of such fastidious
tastes I'm sure they'd lauarh to see
their new old mother tricked out like
a young girl.: No, my dear friend, I
know my duty better.'
lHM2riM Mrs. Lind'ey,
be wiser six mjaths irota
1 ju n ii i
now, and then vou win uakc cousin
... -ii . i .
Mary's and my advice.
"I hope I shall be wiser. Perhaps
you think 1 win De sauuer, too.
Some of my friends seem to believe
bat I have bidden good-bye to all
he pleasures of life, and to all my
common senses as wen. iui mat s
because they do not know Dr. Ken
dall as I do. Still, I would like td
show them that I have a 6hred of
sense left; so 1 shall array myself in
good, substantial work-a-d ay gowns.
such as bent my age and the station
of life whereto I urn called."
"You are incorrigible."
"Not at all. I have simply thought
out this whole question of clothes as
it concerns myself, and reduced it to
an exact science, iou see, with my
complexion, I can't wear blues- and
greens; reds and yellows are out of
the question for one of mv mature
years and my profession of 'pastor
ess;' purple 1 do not like; so there is
nothing Ielt but blacks and browns
and gravs, and I assure you I am
equipped with them. I have run
through the whole gamut, and can
produce almost anv shade of them
rom my wardrobe at a minute's
"But what will you do with the
"Oh! 1 11 keep the lovely thing, and
once in a while I will take it out and
remember Cousin Mary, and delight
my eyes with - looking at it. It is a
delight to the eye."
bo the wrapper was lolded away
and the next day it went with Helen
Kendeil to her new home.
Time passed, and in the absortion
of her new duties and fitting herself
into her new place, the box and its
contents, were almost forgotten.
One day in making some changes
the box happened t o be brought to
light, and the wrapper was taken
out to be put in some other place.
Before it was disposed of Helen was
interrupted, and it lay upon a chair
all night. The next morning was
dark and rainy. She was late, and
in hurrying her dressing she remem
bered that her ordinary gray morn
ing dress was out of repair. Hesita
ting a moment, her eye caught sight
of the card with "A Kamy-Day
Wrapper" on it. She smiled at the
rediculousness of wearing such a
thing on such a morning; then, as
she paused a sudden inspiration
came to her. "What if I should? 1
declare! , I'll do it!" she exclaimed,
and in a spirit ot mischief she threw
it on. A glance in the mirror as
sured her that at 48 the color was
becoming to her clear, dark com
plexion and brown hair and eyes.
But 6he went out and took her place
at the breakfast table a little shame
facedly, it must be confessed.
"Oh, mother, how pretty you
look!" was the greeting of Teddy, the
youngest and privileged pet of the
household, as he came around to
give her the good-morning kiss.
"It s her pretty dress commented
"les, I guess it is, said Teddy,
surveying it critically. "It's so rosy.
Where did vou get it, mother?
"I ve had it ever since I came here,
only I thought it was too gay for
the mother of such big boys to
it isn't," protested Max, the
oldest, a young man of 21. "It's
good to see one bright spot in this
wretched dull morning. I wish you
would wear it every time itrains."
"Making sunshine in a shady
place," quoted Dr. Kendall, mischiev
ously, but looking at his wile mean
while with admiring eyes.
It was a merry breakfast, spite of
the pouring rain outside; and, after
her husband and bovs had separated
to their several employments, Helen
Kendall did some serious thinking.
The boys' evident pleasure in the
nrettv wraDDer was a revelation to
her. Could it really make anv dif
ference to them how she was dressed?
Was it not possible that perpetual
browns and blacks and grays, even of
differiner shades, might in time be
come a trifle monotonous and de
pressing? And especially upon a dull
morning, when it was so easy to
strike a minor keynote for the day?
Neat she always was, with immacu
late collars and cuffs and frills, but
couldn't she add beauty to neatness
sometimes? Could she not strength
en her influence over the boys by
making herself more pleasing in their
eyes? les, cousin Mary and Mrs
Lindley were right. How blind she
had been not to see it before. She
would henceforth wear the wrapper
whenever there should be occasion.
Occasions came in plenty. Once
when Teddy was sick he asked be
seechingly if his mother wouldn't put
on the "rosy dress," and, when she
did, he quieted down and went of m
to a refreshing sleep.
One morning before she left her
room there was a tap at the door,
and on opening it a crack Howard
"Mother won't you please put on
vour 'rosy wrapper this morning?
Wonderingly she complied, for it
was a bright morning, and it had
come to be understood that the gar
ment was for dull days.
."I'm all out of sorts, mother,'
Howard explained; "got desperate
fit of the blues, and I thought a sight
of that 'rosy wrapper' would do me
Happily Helen was able to provide
a more effectual remedy in her ready
counsel and sympathy; still she had
no doubt the wrapper did its part in
cringing sunsume nacKto tne cioua
One time Dr. Brown was visitin
them. He was an old and dea
friend, and one whom Dr. Kendall
i was specially desirious to honor. In
the morning her husband said to
"Don't you think dear, you hod
Hitter put on your pretty dret-a
tuis morning that one with the
roses all over it. I mean the on
you look so beautiful in, you know?"
She nut it on, fueling half vexed
and half amused, but the visitor was
wholly charmed, and was never tired
of telling his friends alte rward what
a lovely woman Mr. Kendall wan,
and in what exquiste taste she dress
ed, hearing which, in a roundabout
way, fhe was fain to confess that the
wrapper probably did it all.
'Mother," said Phil, as he came in
one day before supper, "George Ben
son and Harry White are coming
over this evening.
"Are thev? All ngut, I shall be
glad to tee them."
Phil wriggled about, and twisted
himself into all sorts of shapes on
the arms and posts of his mother's
chair, until Bhe was convinced he
had something on his mind.
"Can 1 do anything to help enter
tain them? I can set out a little
spread of apples and nuts and cook-
ea, if vou would like. Will that dor:
"It isn't that!" Phil burst out.
'It's it's say mother won't you
wear your rosy dress this evenmg7
Why. l nil, that is only a wrap
per lor mornings. . It will hardly do
or an evening.
"Oh, ves, it will! The boy's won't
know the difference."
But why would vou like me to
"Because. I was over to George
Benson s yesterday, and his moth
er's new dress was on the sofa, and
it was all bows and lace and fixings,
and it was green or blue or some
color I don't know which; and
George said wasn't it the prettiest
dress ever I saw, and I said no, my
mother had one ever so much pret
tier; and he said he didn t believe it,
and I said lor him to come over and
see it himself and so won't you
please wear it to-night, mother?"
Here was a situation, but Helen
was equal to it. Her boy should not
be put to shame, and the promised
him to wear the wrapper. Attired in
it, with an extra bow or two pinned
on, she did the honors lor tne ad
miring guests, and nobody but her
self knew her secret terror lest some
Lof the session, or of the session s
wives, should drop in and find her
tricked out in such unseemly finery.
But she had her reward.' George
Benson was heard to declare that
the rosv dress was "a stunner," and
Phil was triumphant.
This incident gave her food lor
further thought, and resulted in the
purchase of a deep ruby wool, which
she had made up as tastefully as
posssible lor home afternoons and
evenings. The boys often importune
her to wear it to church or down
town, but here she draws the line
and stands firm. Her husband de
clares that she has grown ten years
younger sinw her marriage, and she
retorts that if she is made to dress
like a girl of 20 she must be expect
ed to act like one; but that she
will keep her gaiety and giddiness for
the home circle, and not expend it
on the parish.
The rosy wrapper, like many other
mundane things, began to show
signs of wear, and Helen was anx
iously contriving how she conld ren
ovate it, when, upon the first aniver-
sary of her wedding day, a package
was put into her hands containing
material for another equally beauti
ful, and attached it was a card bear
ing the inscription: "To mother,
from her boys.
An Oriental Flatter.
One of the secretaries of the Chinese
embassy in Washington has shown
himself apt in the art of compliment'
He was introduced to a lady who,
among other questions, asked him:
"What virtue do yon most highly
prize in vour women?" "The virtue
of domesticity," was the reply.
"'Then you do not like your women
to move in society much?" she ques
tioned. "Not at all. Our law even
recognizes cause for divorce when a
woman pardon me madame is in
quisitive and talkative." "Then I
should be in danger of being divorced
if I lived in China?" smilingly asked
the lady. "The very day that my
country would have luck to possess
a. womanly being like you, replied
the gallant son orthe heavenly realm,
"every cause of divorce would be re
moved from the world."
He Wasn't Sure.
One of the delegates to a late cat
tle breeding conference told this sto
ry on himself. At one of the hotels
a man takes the hats of the guests
as they go into the dining room, and
hands each man his hat without
hesitation or mistake as he comes
"How did you know," asked the
wond-ring delegate, "that this was
"I didn't know it wuz your hat,"
was the quick response; "I only
knows it wuz the hat you guv me.
The Wrong Coat.
A tall erect figure speeding up
State street, with a coat which reach
ed half way up his back, was an object
of interest one night. It seems that
the school committee took advan
tage of the absence of the women
members and removed their coats
while holding executive session. At
the end Mavor Bradford took Chair
man Stone's coat by mistake, and
the member from Ward one was
forced to walk home with an upper
garment much too large, the tails
dawrlmcr far below his knees.-
Springfield (Mass.) Republican.
liees Block a Train.
A swarm of l ees created a block in
a curious manner on the 1'erkiomen
railroad the other day. A freight
train running between Perkiomen
Junction and Allen! own stopped to
take water at Palm station, twenty
miles north from here." A swarm of
bees from a neighboring farm-house
had taken refuge in some woods near
and when the train stopped at
station they came buzzing out
alighted with one accord on the
behind the engine. Theen
and his assistant in the en-
guie and the nrnteman, standing
around the train were astonishsd at
the visitation and promptly sought
safety in the waiting-room ot the
station. The fireman, William
Heist, was on the engine cab at the
time busily shifting coal from one
side of the tender to the other, and
in an instant a hundred lees set up
on him. Half mad with pain, he
jumped off the tender and rolled wild
ly in the grass at the roadside.
The schedule time for starting the
train came and went, but the crew
saw no way in which to start. They
held a consultation over the prob
lem, and finally a bright idea struck
the engineer .Putting it into execu
tion, he crept softly and unconcern
edly up to the tender, after the man
ner of an experienced bee farmer, and
ecured possession of the adjustable
hose with which engineers are accus
tomed to clean their cabs. He got
the drop on the bees and turned on
them a steady stream of cold water.
The effect was magical. The entire
swarm took to their wings ana de
scribed a straight line a bee line to
wards the woods. The tram then
resumed its journev, fifteen minute
behind time. Phoenix ville ( Pa . )
Special to New York Sun.
He Never Called Again.
A stiff Englishman made a forma
call on an equally stiff English girl
down in Staten Island not long ago.
He called about 4:30 in the after-
noon, and sat in one of those com
fortable square wicker chairs. About
5 o'clock he made a motion to rise.
but resumed his seat; the young lady
She had an engagement at half-
past 5, and saw the hands of the
clock near that hour. Twice the
man seemed on the point of leaving;
twice he started to rise, twice she
rose; then he sat down again, and
she resumed her seat each time, r i
nally the half hour struck-then it
became quarter to 0.' The engage
ment had not been kept. Did the
man intend to stay to dinner? He
didn't; he explained matters.
"Miss M., he said at last, with
considerable hemming and hawing,
"the ah buttons on the tail of my
ah coat are caught in the ah
back of the ah chair, and I can
not disengage them. May I ah
ask your assitance?
Miss M. came to his assistance and
ut the buttons off instead of taking
them out of the (hair back. The
lOnglishman.s leave takings wore
brief, and he's nevtr repeated the call
even to this dav. Chatter.
Married After Twenty-Three
From theStantoD, Vn., Vu.l!cator.
Twenty-three year. ago Mr. Joseph
Hamilton and Miss Virginia Hick
man, both of Bath county, were en
gaged to be married, but they had a
lovers quarrel, and Mr. Hamilton
left for California, where he settled in
San Deigo count v. Bv hard work
he became a prosperous man. About
a month ago he returned to his old
home near Milborough Springs, and
in fortv-eight hours after his arrival
married Miss Hickman, who had re
mained faithful to her first and only
love. The bride is a first cousin of
the celebrated Bishop William Tay
lor, a native of Rockbridge, and for
manv years past Bishop of Africa.
Mr. and Mrs. Ha milton will spend the
- . '
next two months visiting relatives,
and will then leave for their Califor
The Nun and the Burglar.
A remarkable instance of courage
and presence of mind occurred very
recently in a convent not many miles
from Charing Cross. A member of
I the sisterhood the duty being taken
in turns nightly makes a complete
round of the building in order to see
everything secure. In one of the pas
sages she thought she saw a figure
moving, and coming nearer and
turning her lamp full on she saw a
man trying to hide. The intrepid
lady, without a moment's hesitation,
addressing the intruder, said: "Oh,
I am afraid you have missed your
way and come to the wrong place
Let me show you to the open road.
Tne stranger followed without
word and quietly passed through the
door to the road. There was no
doubt from where he was found that
the fellow meant to abstract some
valuables. London Telegraph.
A Popular 'Aristocratic Club.
According to the latest club book
of the Union club the waitinsr list
numbers nearly 350, and less than
forty vacancies occurred within the
last year. The limit of 1,200 was
reached during that period, and the
'vaiting lisl was reduced by about
eighty. If vacancies continue to oc
cur at the average of the past two
years it will take exactly nine years
io elect the present waiting list, nn
les some die off or get tired of stand
Ir.g in line. New York Sun.
Outwitting the Dean.
I was talking recently with nn En
glish clergyman of the Episcopal
church who gained his B. A. at Ox
ford near! y half n century ago. The
conversation turned to Harvard
college and the decoration of ita
bunder's statue. The reverend gen-
Ionian said that his recollections of
lis Oxford days contained plenty oi
episodes of a like nature aud he ac
cordingly related several. Upon the
great quadrangle of the Christ Church
ollege a number of the halls front
uud upward of fifty doors open.
One fine morning every one of these
doors, which were of oak, was paint
ed a bright crimson. Of course there
was great agitation, but the identity
of the artist was never disclosed.
rhe dean, in order to prevent u re
currence ot the uteu, stationed a
watchman in the quadrangle, and so
well did that functionary perform his
dut ies that the doors were not touch
ed. But the students resolved to cir
cumvent the dean and outwit the
One evening a big undergraduate.
who had possessed himself of a flow-
' J IS
ing gown anu wig, pensuuuuu vuv
dean, entered the "quad mag," as
he court is affectionately termed,
and approached the watchman.
Ahuml ahum!" he began in a deep
pitched voice, "I am glad my man,
to find you attending to your duty
so well. Now vou go to my kitchen
and my cook will give you a good
supper and plenty of nlo. I will keep
watch while you are gone.' r latter-
ed and pleased the man accepted the
invitation and went, lie was gone
fifteen minutes. In the meantime
each one of the fi!ty doors was paint
ed a sunset red. Boston Advertiser.
Never Deserted Him.
From th fttUburg Dispatch.
A clergyman was lamenting the fact
that his congregation appeared to
be restless during his sermons, and
declared that many ot the members
of his flock would get right up at a
time when he fancied himself most
impressive, and would leave the
"That's bad," answered a young
preacher, "but I must say that I do
not experience any such aunoyance.
Not a single member of mycongrega
tion gets up and goes out during the
"You don't savKo!" the first speak-
er exciaimea. -now uo you man
"I don t manage it at all seems
to manage itself.
"Don t thev complain when you
preach a long sermon?"
"rio; l ve never heard a wora oi
"That is indeed singular. our
people must have been exceptionally
well brought up."
"No, I think not."
"Then you must be one of the most
eloquent of men. What is the style
of your preachmg7
"Oh, rather dry. 1 am compelled to
admit. I do possess the faculty of
drawing an interesting illustration or
of throwing out a bright idea."
Well, well, I never lizard ol any
thing so wonderful. And you tell
me that no'one ever getsupnnd goes
"Yes. that's what I tell you."
"Well, 1 don't understand it nil."
"Oh, it is easy enough to explain.
I am chaplain at the penitentiary."
Secretary Seward's Opinion.
I heard a story of William II. Sew
ard the other day which I think is a
new one. I am not certain, but I am
impressed with a conviction that it
comes from Miss Olive Uisley Sew
ard, an adopted daughter of the late
Secretary Seward, whoso Bohemian
piterary salon is one of the most
charming places to which one can
have the entree at the national cap
ital. It was at the time when there
was great agitation of the removal
of the capital, and all Washington
was alarmed. One of the scared ones
said to Secretary Seward, "Mr. Sew
ard, do you think the capital will be
removed from Washington?" "Yes,
I think it will," was the reply. "But
where to Chicago?" "No." "What?
Not to St. Louis? Well, where then?"
"To the City of Mexico. That will
probably be the center of population
of the United States one of these
days." Pittsburg Dispatch.
A Valuable Cook,
"Those little darkies we used to
have down there for cooks were jewels
weren't they?" remarked M oj. Stew
art, of the celebrated Battery B, 4 th
Art. "I had one in camp at on
time who was worth a good many
dollars to me. I hadn't given htm
any money tor a good while, the last
being a $10 bill, so I was very much
astonished when we continned to
have all the delicacies that were going
without any call for the wherewith.
"Accordingly, one day when a fine
plump turkey was serred up for din
ner I asked him where he got it, and
how much he paid for it
" 'Nut'nV replied the little Satan.
'Dey couldn't change de ten dollahs,
"The rascal had always contrived
to purchase where he knew the bill
could not be changed. We had beoa
living on the flat of the land for
weeks without a cent of expense.'
- .rr, tSA
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