they insist that the republican party was
organized to protect the people, not to ex
ploit them.
If Utah insists upon having the por
trait of Brigham Young on the silver
service she purposes presenting to the
battleship Utah, the government should
politely but firmly decline the gift.
Brigham Young was a remarkable man,
and the leader of a remarkable people.
But, after all, he as the founder and the
instigator of a system that degraded, dis
graced and destroyed womanhood; a sjs
tein that contravened the laws of God and
man; that was intended to minister to
the depraved and bestial while being
cloaked under the mantle of inspiration.
To thus honor Brigham Young would be
to honor crime, make polygamy respecta
ble and legal, and advertise America as
destitute of respect for womanhood. The
battleship would be far better off with
tin dishes than to have a silver service
adorned with the portrait of such a man.
Recently the daily newspapers have
made much of the fact that it has been
found possible to telegraph and tele
phone simultaneously over a single wire.
That would have been news eighteen
years ago, for eighteen years ago this
coming summer this very thing was done
between Lincoln and Omaha not once,
but every day and night for months. At
that time1 the editor of Will Maupin's
"Weekly was' the Lincoln representative
of the Omaha World-Herald," with offices
at the corner of Eleventh, and O streets
now occupied by Rudge & Gu'enzel. A
telegraph operator used a wire belonging
to the Kansas-Nebraska Telephone Co.,
and this editor used the same wire in
telephoning. Night after night operator
and eidtor used the one' wire simultane
ously in sending in the reports of the
day's happenings in Lincoln. And it was
so easv that no one then thought of mak
ing any splurge over it.
About all that Arbor day amounts to
in Nebraska now is to give public offi
cials and banners an excuse for taking a
day off. But Arbor day has meant more
to Nebraska than any other holiday ever
established. Its chief purpose now is to
keep alive the memory of a really great
man who unselfishly served his day and
generation and left his impress for good
upon all future time.
Seed time, yet there are fifteen millions
of acres of fertile land in Nebraska that
have never been touched by the plow. Ne
braska wants and needs 200,00 families
to settle upon and cultivate those acres.
There is no reason why the next de
cade should not see Nebraska the leading
dairying state of the Union unless it is
that Nebraska sits around and refuses to
take advantage of her opportunities.
PHILOSOPHY B
THE VICTIM.
He perused his daily journal, advertising quacks
infernal,
Till he had a thousand symptoms of each
dangerous disease,
Such as grippe, appendicitis, apoplexy and
gastritis,
And he grew emaciated and quite wobbly in
the knees.
He reviewed each ill and doped 'em with "gripe
nuts" and well boiled "ghostum"
All the while expressing wonder he had lived
so many years .
Eating plain white bread and bacon with the
idea so mistaken
That they could be foods for humans then
he died of groundless fears.
"'Ware the coffee!" cried one faker; "'ware the
butcher and the baker;
Nothing eat but food that's offered on the
pre-digested plan!"
And he listened to the warning till he turned
with bitter scorning
From the good old ham and cabbage that
made dad a mighty man.
Though he grew weak and dyspeptic, grouchy,
palsied, epileptic,
For the lack of proper foodstuffs, still the
fakers held their prey;
And he looked upon life sourly as he doped his
stomach hourly
With some ground-up shells of peanuts and
some pre-digested hay.
When he felt an ache or quiver he exclaimed,
"O, my poor liver!"
And at once would deeply flood with a quart
or two of dope,
Till it swam in seas of "ghostum;" and on
meeting friends he'd post . 'em
On the way that they might garner, like
himself, both health and hope.
"O, my friends," you'd hear him urgin', " 'ware
the knife of eager surgeon,
For he'll carve you like a melon, 'cause he
likes to wield the knife."
Thus he'd go on long and loudly, pointing to
his wrecked self proudly,
As a sample of the blessings of the -"ghostum-gripe
nuts" life.
On this hay-bran dope relying till in weakness
he lay dying,
He remarked in falt'ring accents from the
sick bed where he lay:
"I was saved from taking physic, from all ills
from gout to phthisic,
By the daily use of "ghostum" and of pre
. digested hay."
When they laid him in God's Acre, this poor
victom of a faker
Who had preyed upon his fellows with the
baldest kind of lies,
This terse epitaph they gave him: "He refused
the things to save him
Pork and beans, and ham and cabbage,
spuds and gravy, home made pies.
THE OFFICE BOY SAYS :
A lot o' men t'ink dey are prayin'
when dey are really givin' de Lord ad
vice. Course I ain't lived long yet, but I
ain't never seen no mechanic dat de sa
loon made a better workman.
A lot o' guys dat's alius weepin' over
de sufferin's o' humanity don't do nuth
in' else f 'r de sufferers but weep.
De woild owes me a livin' all right, but
it beats hell how I got t' hustle t' col
lect it.
I'll have more time t' worry about me
future when I don't have t' put in so
much time takin' care o' de present.
I've notused dat w'en a guy wants t'
overwork de kids he alius starts off
tellin' how hard he had t' hustle when
he was little.
When a geezer like Carnegie drops a
millyun into de box o' some ferlanthropy
THE WAYSIDE
t'ousands o' poor devils git de credit on
de Lamb's Book o' life, 'cause it wus deir
dollars.
W'en dad wus sick last winter der
finest prayers we had at our house was
brung in by de guys w'ot belong t' de
same union he does. We et 'em. -
Ma says dat one o' her neighbors wini
men is alius so busy makin' clothes f'r
de heathen dat don't need 'em dat she
lets her own kids go 'round lookin' like
de fag end o' poverty. Ma is a mity dis
cernin' woman, too.
No feller dat never does nuttin' gits
knocked on.
THE FACTS.
."I hear that old Gotrox, whose daugh
ter married- a foreign nobleman, claims
he was flim-flammetl."
"That's right."
"Was the nobleman a lightweight?"
"No; bogus count."
Women wear "rats" in their hair be
caues they want to. A lot of men have
"rats" in their garrets and don't know it.
Four days to election, and the affec
tion the candidates express for the work
ingman is lovely to behold.
We are apt to think highly of the in
telligence of the man who always agrees
with us.
A lot of church members mistake
pewity for piety.
WE INQUIRE TO KNOW.
Why is the basso profundo of the male
quartet usually a little man, and the
high tenor a big one?
What punishment should be awarded
the man who invented that fool paper
band around cigars?
If you are forty years old, how much
would you give if you knew as niuch
as you thought you knew when you were
twenty?
If a bushel of 40-cent corn will make
four gallons of whisky that retails for
$10 a gallon, who gets the difference,
and who gets the headache?
If hard cider sold for $4 a quart and
champagne for 50 cents a gallon, what
would be the result on the apple market.
OLD SAWS KESHARPENED.
The more said the sooner forgotten.
Matches are made in heaven; the fire
is struck on earth.
Politics often makes congenial cellmates.
Recently a Lincoln schoolm'am vas
stunned by receiving the following note
from a patron:
Deer Miss : Please excuse
Willie from studying about his insides.
I think it is undelicate for to teach boys
such a subjek and besides it makes
Willie sick to his stomach, thinking
about tfcero "
