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About Will Maupin's weekly. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1911-1912 | View Entire Issue (March 17, 1911)
JUST INCIDENTAL AND ACCIDENTAL
Being Merely Little Quips and Jests About People You Know. Mostly Sent in over the Phone
But a Few Evolved from Dreams and Visions
An Acceptable Date.
Col. Thomas McShane, one of Lincoln's
veteran letter carriers, is happy. Having
occasion to step into the Central National
Bank the other day he was accosted by
President Hall who asked:
; "Have yo,u bought your ticqket to the
Bryan banquet yet?" .,.
"No, I have not,"' replied McShane.
"When is it?"
"Next Monday night," replied President
"Glory be ! I'll take one," said McShane.
"It's the first banquet I've had a chance
to attend on a date when I could eat meat."
The Point of View.
"I am a bit puzzled," remarked A. H.
Armstrong recently. "I have built up a
business I am proud of right here in Lincoln,
yet there are those who intimate that I
am going to sacrifice the profitable busi
ness in order to play favorites with the gas
company if I should happen to be elected
mayor. What puzzles me is the idea some
people have of business. It reminds me of
" 'See that fine looking gentleman across
the street there?" asked a citizen of a
stranger whom he was entertaining.
' "Yes, I see him.'
" 'Well, sir, he landed in this town twen
ty years ago without a dollar or a friend,
and he started in business peddling peanuts
and popcorn from a basket, and he had to
go in debt for the basket. Today he is one
of our foremost citizeYis.'
" 'And I presume,' remarked the stronger,
'that he is now worth several hundred thou
" 'O, no ; he never even paid for that
"The point is," continued Mr. Armstrong,
"that some people have a peculiar idea of
what constitutes good business."
William Gold has but recently returned
from New York City, where he combined
business with the pleasure of visiting rela
tives and friends who imagine that Ne
braska is full of Indians and buffalo, and
that Lincoln streets are filled with roister
ing cowboys and "bad men."
"I am sure," remarked Mr. Gold in speak
ing of his visit, "that some of the people
whom I met for the first time were astonish
ed to see that I did not pick my teeth at the
table with a bowieknife, and that I actually
knew the use of a fingerbowl.
" 'Tell me, Mr. Gold,' twittered a young
lady who was a member of a dinner party
I attended, 'what you western people do for
"O, we attend an occasional Indian war
dance, and when we want to be the real
things in the revelry line we clean the things
out of some neighbor's kitchen and have a
dance on the dirt floor.
" 'How delightfully primitive !' she ex
claimed. " 'I'm afraid, however, that my attempt at
sarcasm was lost on the young lady.'
The Volume of Business. (
"I notice some people who are neither
employers or producers have quite a bit to
say about the volume of business," remark
ed Col. "Bob" Joyce the other day. "It re
minds me of the story of the old colored
man who was applying for a divorce.
"On what grounds are you seeking this
divorce?" queried the judge.
"You' honah," replied the old colored
man, "dat woman she's all de time askin'
me fo' money. She done ask me fo' a dol
lah, den she ask me fo' two dollahs, an' den
she asks me fo' a quartah w'y she's askin'
me all de time fo' money, dat woman is."
"What does she do with all the money?"
asked the judge.
"I don't know, youah honah. I ain't
nevah give her none yet.'
"Of course the moral of this little story
is the application of it," concluded Col.
The Only Danger.
"Will it shock me to put my foot on thei
rail ?" asked a nervous old lady of Ben Cob-
lentz as the she stood near the track at
Twelfth and O.
"Not unless you put your other foot onj
the trolley wire," replied the urbane Mr.
Why Is It?
"I believe Will Maupin's Weekly can fur
nish me with the inforamtion I am seeking'
said Judge England recently.
"Surest thing you know," replied the
"Then tell me," said the judge, "why it is
that people who have to have a bell tell them
when it is time to go to church can always
get to the theatre before the curtain goes up
without having any old bell jangled for
But the editor confessed that his informa
tion stopped just short of that point.
The Truth in a Jest
"Can you give me a job as office boy?" .
"I might. How are you on spelling and
"We didn't pay much attention to those
studies at our school. But I can model in
clay and do worsted work." Louisville
The longer you study that little jest the
more you'll see in it of real, genuine truth.
As we write we have before us a letter
one of a hundred or more applying for a
position as stenographer and typewriter.
The writer was graduated from a Nebraska
high school. Of the 157 words therein thir
teen are misspelled ; there are a dozen errors
of punctuation, and the gramatical construc
tion enough to make old Lindley Murray
turn over in his grave. Yet we doubt not
that the writer of the letter could tell all
about the stamens and pistils and opllens of
flowers, and discuss geological subjects
from the silurian to the palezoic ages.
Doubtless, too, she could decline the Latin
"amo" without understanging what she was"
doing,, and practice the word itself to a per
fection quite startling.
Instead of fitting our boys and girts for
the strenuous battle'of life, the high schools
are developing a race of snobs and sissies
who yearn to live without hard work.
They are spoiling needed blacksmiths and
farmers in an effort to make useless doctors
Modeling in clay is all right, but it would
better be in the shape of bricks. As a mat
ter of fact our public schools are stuffing
the craniums of pupils with about every
thing save commonsense and morality.
Students and Others
The law disfranchising the greater portion
of the college and university men, now at
tending school in this state, seems to us a
very unfair one. These men are in every
way good citizens, why should they be dis
franchised? It may be that we are unduly
suspicious, but we can't help thinking that
this is a plot hatched up by king booze. As
a class, students are temperance men, and
it would be a very fine move to deprive them
of their votes. Why, we ask, are not the
bums and thugs, and loungers, deprived of
their votes. The whole thing is a disgrace
to the present legislature. Aurora Sun. .
Will Maupin's Weekly is not in favor of
disfranchising the students, but it is in favor
of enfranchising a number of men who are
as much entitled to a vote as the university
students. Traveling men, railroad men, and
many other men, often find themselves com
pelled to be far away from home on election
day. Why should they be deprived of their
votes while the university students, also
' away from their homes, are allowed to vote ?
Why not adopt a law permitting the mail
ing of a ballot under proper safeguards?
To let a callow youth attending the uni
versity to vote, and depriving an experi
enced citizen of his vote simply because he
is compelled by necessity to be absent from
home on election day, is, in the humble opin
ion of this newspaper unfair.-. Also unwise.
Be Fair, Gentlemen!
The municipal election ' date was shoved
forward from April to May in order to de
prive a lot of Russo-American voters of an
opportunity to vote. These Russo-Ameri-cans,
industrious, frugal, honest and trust
worthy, leave for the beetfields of the west
about the middle of the April. Because of
their environment in their native land they,
are usually "wet." By shrewd tactics that
may be all right in practical politics, but
which comport ill with the pretences of the
gentlemen managing the "dry" campaign,
these Russo-American voters are practically
Carried to its logical conclusion, the re
publican majority in Lancaster county
could with equal fairness and justice dis
franchise the democratic minority, and the
democratic majority in Douglas might dis
franchise the republican minority. Repre
sentative Eager's amendment to the Lincoln
charter providing for a return to the April
date should be adopted. We personally
know of several members of the "Commit
tee of Fifty" who seize every occasion to
throw a political fit over the way democrats
treat the negroes of the south in matters
political, who defend the disfranchising of
several hundred Russo-Americans in Lin
coln by .a method that would appeal to the
highest type of southern bourbon. ;
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