theatre curtains, but just the same he made
a happy presentation of his case and wound
up his remarks with a few observations that
aroused big enthusiasm. Will Maupin's
Weekly has placed Garman's name on its
list of "Lincoln's famous orators."
JUST INCIDENTAL AND ACCIDENTAL
Being Merely Little Quips and Jests About People You Know. Mostly Sent in over the Phone
But a Few Evolved from Dreams and Visions
Of course no one unbiased by personal
animosity will believe the charges' made
against Frank M. Tyrrell charges against
his standing as a lawyer and a citizen. Mr.
Tyrrell has demanded a speedy investiga
tion and the result thereof is a foregone conclusion.
Calling an extra session creates woe in
the hearts of about a thousand employes of
the national house of representatives. With
out an extra session the present employes
fastened to the payroll by a republican con
gress would have remained on the roll un
til the first of next December, without a
blooming thing to do. The new congress
is democratic and of course will take care
of its own. Hence the weeping and wail
ing and smashing of teeth around the cor
ridors of the capitol building. Just think
of the doorkeepers and assistant doorkeepers
who will have to walk the plank fifteen of
them for each door. And custodians of the
cuspidors, about seven to each spitbox. And
house restaurant employes, about three to
each diner at the restaurant tables. It takes
about (500 employes to wait on the grave
and dignified congressmen, not counting
committee clerks and there are enough of
them to make a good sized army.
Let's All Get Wise
Nebraska has sitxeen million acre of fer
tile soil, untouched by the plow, awaiting
the hands of husbandmen. Every acre of it
good corn, wheat and alfalfa land, and every
acre of it to be had on reasonable terms.
The reason so many fertile acres are un
tilled is that Nebraska has acquainted so
few people with the fact that the acres are
here. Will Maupin's Weekly.
There is the idea we were trying to get
at last week. How foolish it is for our legis
lators and big business promoters, too, to be
raising cain about the stock yard charges
or railroad charges when, under the most
radical complaint made, the alleged over
charge would not mean $1 per head for the
farmers of the state. Just think of our hav
ing sixteen million acres of land unbroken
in Nebraska ! Instead of petting those im
itators of farmer legislators the newspapers
of the state ought to try and wake up an
interest in the work of building up Nebraska
by boosting for more farmers, more branch
railroads in counties that have no roads at
all ; more stock yards and more packing
houses. It is encouraging to see the Union
Pacific double track its road through Ne
braska, but that new track will not add one
more farmer to the citizenship of the state,
and that is what counts. A branch line into
a county that has no railroad will start a
procession to the soil along the route. Of
course, it is not popular to write this kind
of dope, but it is what Nebraska needs just
the same. Every big and little hammer
knocker in America can put the boots . into
the railroads just because its popular. It
ought not to take more nerve to boost for
more branch railroads,, more farmers and
more packing industries in Nebraska, than
to knock on those things, but it does. Om
aha Western Laborer.
'Tater Side Now.
"When I was quite a small boy," mused
Senator Tanner after his union label bill
was killed last Thursday, "I read a book
called 'The Hoosier Schoolmaster.' One old
character in it was an old soldier who was
somewhat off his mental base, and knew it.
He declared that one side of his head 'was
'tater, but t'other side's sound as a nut.'
He reminds me so much of those republi
cans who are such all-fired good friends
of labor before election, and so forgetful of
labor after election.
"Every time a bill comes up calculated
to be of some practical benefit to the wage
earners, blamed if those republicans don't
go to voting from the 'tater side of their
heads.' "
A Pointed Difference.
A colored friend of Will Maupin's Week
ly, who happens to be a resident of Okla
homa, was discussing politics a bit with
the editor recently.
"Well," asked the editor, "what do you
think of that man Taft you voted for over
my earnest and friendly protest?"
"Huh, dat man shore jus' ockerpies dat
presidenshul cheer widout fillin' it,", was the
quick response.
Looking the Part.
George W. Voss, who would have sold
more coal during the past winter if the
weather had been colder, is naturally one
of the most gallant of gentlemen. But the
other day his gallantry received a rude
shock. Having occasion to go to the Rock
Island depot Mr. Voss boarded an east
bound car and alighted at Twentieth street.
He spied a comely young lady in modest
apparel struggling with a huge canvas tele
scope grip, many sizes too heavy for her.
"Pardon me, may I not carry your grip
to the depot for you?" asked Voss with a
bow and a winning smile.
Turning half-way around to get the grip
safely behind her, the young woman looked
Voss squarely in the eye and exclaimed :
"Not much, sir; I've read all about you
fellers."
Compromised.
"Of course," remarked Farquhar, the
clothier, "I have my own views as to how
this excise question should be decided, but
I wish we could settle it like the young mar
ried couple settled the destination of their
wedding journey.
"A young friend of mine married a charm
ing girl, and they agreed to settle the desti
nation on the way to the depot. My friend
told me about it afterwards.
" 'I wanted to go to Niagara Falls,' said
my friend, 'and my wife wanted to go to
Yellowstone Park. We argued it on the
way to the depot and finally we com
promised.' "I asked him where they went.
" 'Oh, we went to Yellowstone Park,' he
replied."
Superstitions.
"I believe," mused Col. E. H. Marshall,
"I am not what you would really call su
perstitious, yet I believe that I, in com
mon with all other men, have just a bit
of it. "
"Now, for itiatance, if I board a street
car in the morning and find I've left all my
money in my other pants pockets I know
it is a sign that I'll have to give the con
ductor a good game of talk. And I know,
if I spin around on one heel when I alight,
pitch sideways and hit the pavement a
bump, that it is a sign I've stepped off back
wards while thinking about something else.
Yes, sir ; there are some sure signs, as I can
prove."
Climatological.
The little group was discussing the mild
ness of the past winter, which brought up
stories of really cold weather. One man
told of a time when boiling water froze on
a red hot stove ; another told of having once
seen it so cold that it took three days to
light a match held against a steam grind
stone, and another told of a winter on the
farm when they had to build fires under
the cows before they could milk them.
"Mild weather, very mild weather com
pared to a cold spell I witnessed in New
York city last August," said Charlsy Swal
low. "I heard Sembrich at the Metropolitan
opera house one night when it was so hot
that women fainted and "
"I thought this was . to be a cold weather
story," interrupted a member of the group.
"Wait till I get through," retorted Swal
low. "Sembrich sang a couple of times,
and then, in response to repeated encores
she came back and sang that old-time song,
'When the Cold Chilly Winds o'f Novem
ber,' and she sang with such effect that the
Hudson river froze over a foot thick as far
north as Albany."
Judicial Conundrum.
Just as Police Judge Risser was about to
begin the daily morning grind Tuesday he
happened to look out and see a bunch of
linemen going by with a wagon loaded-with
poles. Leaning back the judge asked the
city attorney :
"What's the difference between that
wagon and this court this morning?"
The city attorney gave it up.
"Well, one is a load of poles, and this is
a poll of 'loads.' "
Then court was called.
Terpsichorean.
"I enjoy the modern dames, of course'
remarked Fire. Commissioner Randall re
cently, "but the young people of today real
ly do not know what real ball room fun is.
Now it's waltz-twostep, waltz-twostep, the
whole night through. Talk about pretty
dances, what is prettier than the old vas
ouvianna, the military schottische, the Scis
silian circle, the polka and the mazourka?
And what better fun than on old-fashioned
Virginia reel or a cotillion? I respect the
religious opinions of others, but 'as for me
I can see no wrong in dancing save the
wrong that people often make out of it. But
I guess that is true of a great many other
things."
'FESS UP, AL!
"Food is Going Down" is a newspaper
headline. Where would you expect it to
go? (That's real funny, isn't it?) Omaha
Examiner.
. But say, Al, isn't it just as funny that
sometimes it comes up?' Or don't you
ktifew? Humphrey Democrat.
