JUST INCIDENTAL AND ACCIDENTAL
Being Merely Little Quips and Jests About People You Know. Mostly Sent in over the Phone
But a Few Evolved from Dreams and Visions. ...
WILL MAUPIN'S WEEKLY
THE WAGEWORKER
WILL M. MAUP1N, Editor
Published Weekly at Lincoln, Nebraska, by The
Wageworker Published Company.
"Entered as second-clou matter February 3, 191 1, at the post
office at Lincoln, Nebraska, under the Act of March 3. 1879."
You know in your own heart that Ne
braska is the best state in the Union, don't
you? Sure! Then begin spreading the glad
tidings.
Having sloughed off the initiative and
referendum job upon the house, the senate
ought to begin doing something really worth
while.
There are too many so-called business
men. who are inclined to take their doll
rags and go home if the game is not played
according to their rules.
We'd feel more like condoning with the
coal man these days if we could be assured
that he wouldn't be around about the first
of next August with an ice bill.
It was very unkind of congress to sneak
in and endorse Canadian reciprocity while
Representative Colton had the palladium of
our industrial freedom poised aloft.
It will be recalled that when things did
not go to suit old King Nebuchadnezzar
he went out and ate grass, which was far
better than chewing the rag about it.
Al Sorensen is engaged in the weekly task
of making Senator-elect Hitchcock the dem
ocratic nominee for the presidency. Mean
while Senator-elect Hitchcock is engaged in
the daily task of praying to be delivered
from his fool friends.
Friends of real reform everywhere will re
gret to learn that the condition of Tom L.
Johnson is so serious that his intimate
friends despair of his recovery. The reform
forces can ill spare its Tom Johnsons at
this time.
If you buy a lot and build a cottage there
on to shelter your family ; you are fined for
your thoughtfulness, your enterprise and
your frugality. If you buy a lot and then
sit around and let others enhance its value
for you, then you receive a premium for
your lack of enterprise and your willingness
to take something you have not earned.
Printing
UST the kind you want
WHEN you want it.
Auto 2748.
Wageworker Publishing Co.
The Hole.
"Say, senator," remarked Senator Cordeal
to Senator Tanner one dav last week, "I've
got a conundrum for you."
"Spring it," remarked Senator Tanner."
"What's the difference between a man go
ing home at 2 o'clock in the morning with a
$20 bill in his upper lefthand vest pocket and
a clog asleep on the doormat and a dough
nut?" "What's the doughnut got to do with it?"
queried the senator from Douglas.
"O, just to remind you of the hole your
party got into on the county option question
last fall," replied the senator from McCook
as he sauntered away.
Mean Advantage.
Representative John Sink approached the
steps at the south entrance to the state
house just as Representative Quackenbush
came out of the door. As Sink started to
step up he stumbled on the lower step and
came down with a thud.
"Somebody took a mean advantage of
your absence, John, and moved the state
house a couple of inches north instead of a
few miles west," said Quackenbush, as he
helped the gentleman from Hall to his feet.
Dangerous Weapons.
"For my part," remarked Col. Charles J.
Bills recently, 'I want to see the bill regu
lating the length of hatpins enacted into law.
Pins of any kind are dangerous things.
"For instance: A young lady of my ac
quaintance in Lincoln recently left the
pointed half of a broken needle sticking in
her belt. Five weeks later that broken needle
worked itself, out through the palm of a
young man's hand in Omaha."
Excused.
A jury panel appeared before Judge Cor
nish recently, and of course practically every
man asked to be excused for some reason
or other.
"I'd like to be excused," remarked a young
mnn in response to his name.
"For wl at reason?" queried the judge.
The young man blushed, stammered a
minute, and then approaching close whis
pered a few words in the judicial ear.
"Excused," said the judge. "I was a little
older than you, but I know by experience
how a man feels at such a time."
Cautious.
"The most cautious man I ever knew lives
near neighbor to me," said A. V. Johnson
recently.
"A week or two ago he complained to me
that he had frozen his ears. 'Why don't you
wiear earmuffs?' I asked.
"What, and have some fellow ask me to
have something and me not able to hear
him! he exclaimed."
Wonderful Figures.
"I never knew until the other day what
wonderful things figures are," remarked
Representative Gerdes of Richardson last
Monday.
A few members were awaiting the fall oi
the speaker's gavel and Mr. Gerdes was
-busy with a pencil and a piece of paper.
"The Nemaha river between Humboldt
and. Falls City," said Mr. Gerdes, "has a
channel measuring 36 miles, We have dug a
ditch that has taken up 30 odd miles of that
distance, and we are only half done. I figure
out that by the time we have the ditch fully
completed Humboldt and Falls City, instead
of being twenty miles apart will actually be
close enough together to be one city, with
Humboldt occupying the south side instead
of being twenty miles to the north."
Easy of Access.
County Attorney Strode was asked by a
friend recently to explain how he felt the
first time he was under fire in battle.
"Why as soon as I heard the minie balls
singing over my head I'd have given all I
had on earth to be at home in father's barn."
"What did you want to be in the barn
for?"
"Because it was only about five rods from
the barn to the house," exclaimed the attorney.
Useless.
A couple of visitors stood outside the rail
ing in the hall of the house of representa
tives Monday afternoon when Speaker Kuhl
rapped for order.
After the invocation by the chaplain one
of the visitors remarked :
"That was a mighty short prayer."
"I guess that chaplain's been here long
enough to realize the foolishness of wasting
much time praying for this bunch," replied
the other.
Whereupon Sergeant-at-Arms Kelly felt
called upon to admonish those who heard
the dialogue that it was necessary to pre
serve order.
All of Them.
After-a Lincoln husband had grumbled at
the coffee, sworn a bit because the morning
paper was late and shoved his toast aside
because it wasn't buttered to his fancy be
fore being served, his little daughter asked :
"Papa, do you belong to the Elks?"
"Yes." - ,
"And to the Moose?"
"Yes."
"Do you belong to any other animal or
ders, papa?"
"No, dear; that's all there are."
"You forget the Bears," gentlymurmured
the wife, who had not taken previous part in
the conversation.
Autobiographical.
A souvenir postcard, printed in several
colors, is being widely circulated in Lincoln.
It bears the following:
"Born on the Bowery, jailed for vagrancy
in Philadelphia ; soaked for being drunk in
Chicago : married in Peoria ; divorced in Ne
vada; took the jag cure in Omaha; now run
ning a bootlegging joint in Lincoln."
in Lincoln."
Evident.
A few mornings since Dr. Farnham met a
local clergyman on an icy bit of pavement,
and in stepping to one side to let the clerical
gentleman pass the doctor slipped and came
down w'th a thud.
"Ah, doctor; the wicked stand on slippery
rlaces," remarked the clergyman as he
stooped over to assist the fallen man.
"So I see," grunted the doctor, "but, by
thunder, I can't!"
