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About Will Maupin's weekly. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1911-1912 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 17, 1911)
JUST INCIDENTAL AND ACCIDENTAL Being Merely Little Quips and Jests About People You Know. Mostly Sent in over the Phone But a Few Evolved from Dreams and Visions. ... WILL MAUPIN'S WEEKLY THE WAGEWORKER WILL M. MAUP1N, Editor Published Weekly at Lincoln, Nebraska, by The Wageworker Published Company. "Entered as second-clou matter February 3, 191 1, at the post office at Lincoln, Nebraska, under the Act of March 3. 1879." You know in your own heart that Ne braska is the best state in the Union, don't you? Sure! Then begin spreading the glad tidings. Having sloughed off the initiative and referendum job upon the house, the senate ought to begin doing something really worth while. There are too many so-called business men. who are inclined to take their doll rags and go home if the game is not played according to their rules. We'd feel more like condoning with the coal man these days if we could be assured that he wouldn't be around about the first of next August with an ice bill. It was very unkind of congress to sneak in and endorse Canadian reciprocity while Representative Colton had the palladium of our industrial freedom poised aloft. It will be recalled that when things did not go to suit old King Nebuchadnezzar he went out and ate grass, which was far better than chewing the rag about it. Al Sorensen is engaged in the weekly task of making Senator-elect Hitchcock the dem ocratic nominee for the presidency. Mean while Senator-elect Hitchcock is engaged in the daily task of praying to be delivered from his fool friends. Friends of real reform everywhere will re gret to learn that the condition of Tom L. Johnson is so serious that his intimate friends despair of his recovery. The reform forces can ill spare its Tom Johnsons at this time. If you buy a lot and build a cottage there on to shelter your family ; you are fined for your thoughtfulness, your enterprise and your frugality. If you buy a lot and then sit around and let others enhance its value for you, then you receive a premium for your lack of enterprise and your willingness to take something you have not earned. Printing UST the kind you want WHEN you want it. Auto 2748. Wageworker Publishing Co. The Hole. "Say, senator," remarked Senator Cordeal to Senator Tanner one dav last week, "I've got a conundrum for you." "Spring it," remarked Senator Tanner." "What's the difference between a man go ing home at 2 o'clock in the morning with a $20 bill in his upper lefthand vest pocket and a clog asleep on the doormat and a dough nut?" "What's the doughnut got to do with it?" queried the senator from Douglas. "O, just to remind you of the hole your party got into on the county option question last fall," replied the senator from McCook as he sauntered away. Mean Advantage. Representative John Sink approached the steps at the south entrance to the state house just as Representative Quackenbush came out of the door. As Sink started to step up he stumbled on the lower step and came down with a thud. "Somebody took a mean advantage of your absence, John, and moved the state house a couple of inches north instead of a few miles west," said Quackenbush, as he helped the gentleman from Hall to his feet. Dangerous Weapons. "For my part," remarked Col. Charles J. Bills recently, 'I want to see the bill regu lating the length of hatpins enacted into law. Pins of any kind are dangerous things. "For instance: A young lady of my ac quaintance in Lincoln recently left the pointed half of a broken needle sticking in her belt. Five weeks later that broken needle worked itself, out through the palm of a young man's hand in Omaha." Excused. A jury panel appeared before Judge Cor nish recently, and of course practically every man asked to be excused for some reason or other. "I'd like to be excused," remarked a young mnn in response to his name. "For wl at reason?" queried the judge. The young man blushed, stammered a minute, and then approaching close whis pered a few words in the judicial ear. "Excused," said the judge. "I was a little older than you, but I know by experience how a man feels at such a time." Cautious. "The most cautious man I ever knew lives near neighbor to me," said A. V. Johnson recently. "A week or two ago he complained to me that he had frozen his ears. 'Why don't you wiear earmuffs?' I asked. "What, and have some fellow ask me to have something and me not able to hear him! he exclaimed." Wonderful Figures. "I never knew until the other day what wonderful things figures are," remarked Representative Gerdes of Richardson last Monday. A few members were awaiting the fall oi the speaker's gavel and Mr. Gerdes was -busy with a pencil and a piece of paper. "The Nemaha river between Humboldt and. Falls City," said Mr. Gerdes, "has a channel measuring 36 miles, We have dug a ditch that has taken up 30 odd miles of that distance, and we are only half done. I figure out that by the time we have the ditch fully completed Humboldt and Falls City, instead of being twenty miles apart will actually be close enough together to be one city, with Humboldt occupying the south side instead of being twenty miles to the north." Easy of Access. County Attorney Strode was asked by a friend recently to explain how he felt the first time he was under fire in battle. "Why as soon as I heard the minie balls singing over my head I'd have given all I had on earth to be at home in father's barn." "What did you want to be in the barn for?" "Because it was only about five rods from the barn to the house," exclaimed the attorney. Useless. A couple of visitors stood outside the rail ing in the hall of the house of representa tives Monday afternoon when Speaker Kuhl rapped for order. After the invocation by the chaplain one of the visitors remarked : "That was a mighty short prayer." "I guess that chaplain's been here long enough to realize the foolishness of wasting much time praying for this bunch," replied the other. Whereupon Sergeant-at-Arms Kelly felt called upon to admonish those who heard the dialogue that it was necessary to pre serve order. All of Them. After-a Lincoln husband had grumbled at the coffee, sworn a bit because the morning paper was late and shoved his toast aside because it wasn't buttered to his fancy be fore being served, his little daughter asked : "Papa, do you belong to the Elks?" "Yes." - , "And to the Moose?" "Yes." "Do you belong to any other animal or ders, papa?" "No, dear; that's all there are." "You forget the Bears," gentlymurmured the wife, who had not taken previous part in the conversation. Autobiographical. A souvenir postcard, printed in several colors, is being widely circulated in Lincoln. It bears the following: "Born on the Bowery, jailed for vagrancy in Philadelphia ; soaked for being drunk in Chicago : married in Peoria ; divorced in Ne vada; took the jag cure in Omaha; now run ning a bootlegging joint in Lincoln." in Lincoln." Evident. A few mornings since Dr. Farnham met a local clergyman on an icy bit of pavement, and in stepping to one side to let the clerical gentleman pass the doctor slipped and came down w'th a thud. "Ah, doctor; the wicked stand on slippery rlaces," remarked the clergyman as he stooped over to assist the fallen man. "So I see," grunted the doctor, "but, by thunder, I can't!"