Image provided by: University of Nebraska-Lincoln Libraries, Lincoln, NE
About Will Maupin's weekly. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1911-1912 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 10, 1911)
handed him the pardon, and arm in arm the
two men walked out of the prison gate.
Marmaduke is dead, but "Bill" is a farmer
in southeastern Missouri, prosperous and re
spected by the community.
JUST INCIDENTAL AND ACCIDENTAL
Being Merely Little Quips and Jests About People You Know. Mostly Sent in over the Phone
But a Few Evolved from Dreams and Visions. .. . .... . . .
I am growing sick and weary of the old tales
sad and dready 'bout Doc Cook and
Captain Peary, and their journeys to
the pole. And on graft in higher places
which our public life disgraces I'm no
longer keeping cases, for it makes me
sick of soul.
I was wont to weep and .holler, and grow
hot beneath the collar, when the man
behind the dollar worked their schemes
of high finance. And I stood around
and muttered till my talk works fairly
stuttered, and my bread was seldom
buttered, while I'd patches of my pants.
All the troubles of the nation put my mind
in wild gyration, and my soul in agita
tion, while I groaned and cursed at
fate. And on corners I orated, chewed
the rag, expectorated, till my friends
were aggravated by my moanings,
early, late. ;
Now I see my blooming error, and no longer
I'm a terror to my friends to make 'em
swear or hit me with a sack of sand.
I am boosting night and morning, hard
luck tales I meet with scorning, and
when corners I'm adorning, there I
boost to beat the band.
From "Odes of Optimism," by Col Wil
liam B'gosh Price.
"I make my own platforms!" declared.
Senator Bartos of Saline recently.
Senator Brown of Lancaster heard the
declaration and remarked that after hearing
it he understood some things better.
"Somehow or other the declaration re
minds me of the first pair of pants my,
mother made for me. I think they were the
first she ever made, too. And, of course,
a pair of pants discarded by father formed
the basis of' the aforesaid pants. Mother
cu.t them out by guess, I guess. At any
rate, when I wore them blest if I could
tell whether I was on my way to school or
on my way home to do the chores. They
seemed to front both ways."
Rev. H. H. Harmon, pastor of the First
Christian church, attended a secular meeting
recently and was introduced to a gentleman.
"A minister of the gospel, eh?" said the
"Yes, sir," replied Rev. Mr. Harmon.
"Well, now, look here," said the stranger.
"I don't believe I have any soul to save,
sir. If you can prove to me that I have
I'll be glad to listen to you."
"My dear sir," replied the reverend gentle
man, "rather than occupy your time and
mine in such a discussion .1 will concede
your point. Now let us talk about some
do with running this case?" I asked.
" 'Why, I forgot I wasn't chauffing and I
thought I could run up close to the old guy,
throw a scare into him and then dodge him.
I forgot that the blamed car was a running
on a track and wouldn't dodge, no matter
how hard I twisted the wheel.'
"For fear that the man was addicted to
chronic forgetfulness I had to let him go
back to 'chauffing.' "
Those Who Knock.
"I'm tired of hearing the continual slander
to the effect that Lincoln has been going
backwards during the past two years," re
marked John E. McDonald a few days ago.
On the train recently I fell in with a man
who declared that business was "sot all to
h 1' in Lincoln. !
"What makes you think so," I asked.
"Well, I'm in business in Lincoln and I
guess I ought to know," he replied. "My
business has fallen off 50 per cent."
"This was a shock to me, of course, and
I immediately asked him what line of busi
ness he was engaged in.
" 'I'm a dealer in second-hand goods,' he
Woods Full of Them.
"If I were to undertake to investigate all
the pitching phenoms that are brought tc
my notice I'd have to find some method of
crowding thirty-six hours into every day," ;
remarked President Despain recently. "I'm
always glad to get pointers, of course, and
once convinced that I am on track of a good
player I'll follow the scent."
After a moment's thoughtful pause the
president of the Antelopes said: .
"Here's a letter from an entire stranger
living in. a northwest Nebraska town, in
which I am told that the town has a pitcher
who can make the Ty Cobbs and George
Stones and Snakes Crawfords i
rain check on a sunny afternoon. A little
investigation disclosed the fact that the
writer knew nothing about baseball and was
of the opinion that his phenom was a world
beater by reason of having discovered how
to 'make a ball go sideways.'
"Wouldn't that jar you?"
Latest in Neckwear.
Ed Young, jr., is always looking for the
latest in neckwear. The other day Charley
Spangler approached Ed and remarked: ,
"Saw something in neckwear the other
day that is bound to become increaseingly
popular as the people get next to it."
"I'd like to see it," said Ed.
"I've got a sample in my pocket," said
Ed held put his hand for it and Charley
deposited therein a piece of the rope used
in a recent execution.
SHORT ARM JOLTS
The pauper wheat of Canada is threaten
ing our shores! Awful, isn't it, Mabel?
A lot of us are just now more interested
in "the city busiful" than we are in "the
Nebraska has the goods to advertise,
needs the advertising and should get into
the advertising game.
If "Big Business" gets hold of the maga
zines, then a lot of budding geniuses will
have to go to work at something worth
The advocates of direct legislation seem
to have presented a wooden horse to its
opponents when they secured Judge Lindsey
for an address.
What's the use of spending millions to
turn out teachers as long as we refuse to
pay wages that will entice teachers to re
main in the game?
Now that county option is practically out
of the way, perhaps the state legislature
will buckle down to business and do some
thing worth while.
As we view it the opponents of a "dry"
policy are going to punish Lincoln by taxing
themselves a million or two dollars to re
move the state capitol.
A great many men who do not drink
whisky refrain because they are too mean
to spend the money, not because they are
too good to drink whisky.
The mayor oi Seattle has just been re
called. The interests will not deem it worth
while to buy places for their tools when it
is possible to pack the tools in a chest on
Will Maupin's Weekly will welcome short
communications from subscribers, but non
subscribers will be requested to pay .for the
composition before their communications are
put into type.
Senator Lorimer seems to be the victim
of having been found out. That is a high
crime in the estimation of a few senators
who have been successful in preventing the
proof from coming to the front.
Edmund Lamy, champion ice skater of the
world, recently broke the record for a broad
jump on skates. Must be a wonder, for
we've seen men make some pretty big hops
while they had on their skates. ,
Not every one who advocates prohibition
is a saint, and not every one who advocated,
high license is a "tool of the brewer." We'll
not be getting anywhere on this liquor ques
tion until these two facts are admitted.
A lot of advocates of tariff revision seem
to be molded after the pattern of an optimist
as defined by John Z. White. "An opti
mist,", say Mr. White, "is a man who doesn't
care a d- n what happens, just so it does not
happen to him." . . (
Force of Habit.
Manager Hiimpe tells this one concerning
the excuse offered by a new motorman for
having bumped a citizen at a street cross
ing: "The motorman was a new one and when
the. accident was reported I called him to
the office and asked him for particulars."
" 'Well, you see it's just this way," said
the. new man.. 'It was all the fault of my
having run automobiles so long.'
"What does running automobiles have to
It Wasn't the Meter. .
"Of course a . public service corporation
is guilty of a great many things," admitted
Manager Adams of the gas company re
cently. "But it often has to bear the blame
for the carelessness of other people."
As an illustration Manager Adams told
the following incident :
"Last fall a man came in, angry and red
faced, to declare that the company was try
ing to rob him..
"Tve got the goods on you,.t6oj he ex-
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