Will Maupin's weekly. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1911-1912, February 03, 1911, Image 5

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

Being Merely Little Quips and Jests About People You Know. Mostly Sent in over the Phone
But a Few Evolved from Drams and Visions. . . . . . . . . .
the east on J than from the west on the
same street, but perhaps we all ought to be
so glad to have any Lincoln statue at all
that we mustn't utter a single criticism upon
the artistic taste of the committee having it
in charge.
Now come the New Orleans boosters with
the charge that President Taft has agreed
to pull for San Francisco in return for a
pledge from Californians that they will not
oppose a treaty admitting Japanese labor
free to the United States. We still refuse
to start any presperiation over his Panama
acnal exposition matter. And we still re
ufse to worry our heard off about the admis
sion of yellow labor through the Golden
Gate while even worse kinds of labor are
imported through Castle Garden in vastly
large rnumbers. If the telegraph companies
do no business until we set about flashing
messages in favor of one city or the other in
this exposition tangle, there will be no div
idends for the Western Union or Postal
companies this year.
"The greatest sinner in Omaha" was the
theme of an Omaha pastor last Sunday.
When the subject was announced nine
tenths of the men in that city dodged. No
Lincoln pastor would announce such a sub
ject. Few enough Lincoln men attend
church as it is.
Represenentative Colton of York seems to
be one of those devotees of "protection" who
believe that "Skedule K" will actually cause
wool to grow on the back of a hydraulic
ram. He has introduced a resolution de
nouncing the proposed reciprocity treaty
with Canada, basing his objection thereto on
the ground that it would remove the 25
cents a barrel tariff against Canadian wheat
and let it across the border to compete with
our own wheat. Of course the pauper wheat
of Canada grown mostly by former citizens
of the United tSates forced across the bor
der by our obnoxious and onerous tax and
traiff laws must not be allowed to come
across and compete. When we have wheat
to export we have to sell it at a price fixed
abroad by men who buy United States
wheat. Canadian wheat and Argentine
wheat without regard to tariff laws. And
when we have to import wheat the local
consumer has to ay the 25 cents a bushel
.additional imposed by the tariff. The only
time the tariff on agricultural products
works is when it works against us. But
about the blindest individual on record is he
who believes in "protection to American in
dustries" without knowing the difference
between ad valorem and specific.
The Nebraska State Federation of Labor
has prepare da dozen or more bills looking
to legislative relief for wage earners. Of
course the wage earners are asking for no
more than they are entitled to, but what
they get under present conditions will be
very microspic. If any of their bills pass it
will be after they have been cut and slashed
out of all semblance of their original, and
even then the first court that gets a whack
at them will hang them up in the air. If
the wage earners want what they want, let
them get behind the initiative and referen
dum bill and force that through without
amendment. With an adequate initiative
and referendum law on the books the wage
aerners will not need to come down and beg
for favors- at the hands of a lot of legisla
We greatly fear that there are people in'
Lincoln who will object to the presence in
heaven of all those who will not handle
the golden harp exactly to their liking;
Easily Explained.
A friend met Will Dorgan on the street
the other day and said :
"Say, 'Bill,' what's the matter between
you and C R , ,.,? He is calling you
all kinds of, hard names." . ' ...
" "Oh, that's easily- answered,"., said Morgan.-
"He owes me $ 10 for coal he bought
three or four years ago, and I've sent him
several statements lately.". , - , ,., . , :
"The Hair of the Dog."
A few days ago a man with a furtive look
upon his face wandered into Frank W.
Tyrrell's office and after securing a private
interview with the ex-county attorney said :
"I guess you don't remember me, do you?"
"Well, your face is familiar, but I fail to
place you, sir," said Tyrrell. .
"I'm one of the first men you convicted
and sent to the pen after you became
county attorney."
"Oh, yes ; I remember you now," said
Tyrrell. "What can I do for you?"
Well, you see it's this way, Mr., Tyrrell.
I ain't forgot how you sent me over the
road, and the fact is I'm up against the
same sort of a proposition again, and I just
thought that beiri' . as you was ' in private
practice you might take hold o' my case
from a different side than the last time."
"You think, then, that if I. succeeded .in
convicting you once I'd be a good man to
secure an acquittal this time?"
"Sure, Mr. Tyrrell ; sure ! That's just it.
Course I was the goat the other time, but I
guess you can help me now."
Not being wholly a convert to the theory
that the hair of the dog is good for the bite,
to say nothing of not being yet ready to
engage in the practice of criminal law, Mr.
Tyrrell felt impelled to decline the case. -His
would-be client left with an air of dis
appointment on his face.
Speaking of Scent.
A friend met Erstine King on the. street
one evening this week and after-leading him
mysteriously to one side said :
"King, old man, you're the fellow I've
been looking for. A few of us are organiz
ing a little club for "
"Sh-h-h! Stop right there," said King,
backing off.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing, only my wife can smell my
breath if a man merely asks me to join a
club or take a drink."
Professional Courtesy.
"Do you re.cognize de perfession?" queried
a seedy stranger of Manager Garman at the
Lyric last Monday night.
"Certainly," replied Mr. Garman. "What's
your line?"
"I'm de original o' Bosco, w'ot eats 'era
alive," said the stranger.
"All right, sir. Just wait till we put on
our revival of 'The Lion and the Mouse
and I will give you a pass. That's the only
animal play we have in our repertory.
Indispensible. ;'
Ex-Senator William V. Allen tells .this
one of the late Senator Vest, and the late
Senator Pettus. Both of them were leading
figures in the confederacy. After a big re
ception at the white house one night these
two inseprable old cronies were' on their
way home, somewhat mellow with good
cheer. Vest finally remarked :
"Most wonderful country, Pettus."
"What makes you say that, George
Vest," queried Pettus.
'''Why, here we are, two men who did our
best to destroy this union, guests of honor
at the executive mansion of the union we
failed to destroy. T tell you, Pettus, it is
wonderful magnanimity that has been'shown
to us." ; '.
'' ' "Magnanimity, h 1 ! exclaimed Pettus.
It's no such thing, George Vest. They sim
ply couldn't run the thing without us, and
they know it !"
And the old white horse attached to the
Vest phaeton trotted slowly down Pennsyl
vania avenue.
Didn't Count.
The little matter between Governor Aid
rich and Douglas county recalls a story by
"Private John" Allen of Mississippi, told
at his own expense.
After an arduous congressional campaign
Allen returned to Tupelo to vote and while
perambulating around the little town, greet
ing old friends, he met an aged negro who
was a general favorite in the community.
"Mohnin,' Mars Allen," said Uncle Ned.
"Morning, Uncle Ned," replied Allen.
"How are vou getting along?"
"Po'ly, Mars' Allen! po'ly. I wuz' jes
projekin' as you kim erlong dat if I wuz
right short o' findin' a bag o' co'n meal an'
a . side o' bacon at my cabin dis evenih' I
mought vote for you, Mars' Allen."
"Get along, you black rascal. You know
you voted for the republican candidate early
this morning."
"Wei fo' de land's sake, Mars' Allen,
you ain't gwine ter hold dat ergin me are
you, when you know moughty well dey
won't never count dat vote!"
Where It Hurts Most.
W. J. Bryan was making a temperance
speech in Illinois a-few months ago, and a
l ihulous individual in the audience arose
and asked permission to propound a ques
tion. Permission having been granted the
man asked :
"Mr. Bryan, how does liquor affect a man
most, externally or internally?"
"Externally," exclaimed Mr. Bryan.
Whereupon the bibulous individual sub
sided. Profited by Delay.
Col.' "Bill" Price sat in his office the other
morning and looked over a scrap book. His
eyes lighted upon a clipping telling the
story of a Mexican's resentment of having
his wage account disputed.
"Ah me," sighed Price. "All I have to
say is that I'm glad the wage dispute didn't
arise twelve or eighteen months ago."
Greatly Offended.
Recently John G. Maher beg pardon,
Colonel Maher had .occasion -: to write , a
letter while at an Omaha hotel. - Instead
of dictating it to the public stenoerapher'
Colonel Maher politely asked her to rise, and
when she did so he took the vacated seat
ancrbegan "making the machine. hum.
"Hello, John!" called out a friend going
by. "I didn't know you could operate a
typewriting machine'." ' . 4
Colonel Maher paused in his. work, looked