Humor and Philosophy
By DUNCAN M. SMITH
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
Usually the mail who worrit's over
tlio couutry's dillk-ultio-t Mi his wife
do the worrying for the family.
The conilug uiau Is generally u good
advertiser.
We should bo careful about taking
things as they come. Many a man has
got Into Jnll Just that way.
Too many people mistake emotion for
genius and wheels in the cranium for
brains.
Very few people lose their minds be
cause their neighbors lose their money.
When you are looking for a reward
make sure of It by putting your hand
lu your pocket and rewarding yourself.
A woman will extract enjoyment out
of anything if u man feels blue enough
about it.
Dollars don't count for so much,
is tbo lack of them that hurts.
It
All women like to be younger than
tbo other women of their age.
The difference between luck and
management depends on whether a
friend or an enemy is telling all about
it.
Every man has a right to his own
opinion as long as he keeps it to him
self. The Odds.
I plead
To lead
Tho Bimplo life.
The dream
Don't seem '
To suit my wife.
' On that point wis
! Cannot agree;
I Bho wants a life of luxury.
A crust
? Is Juat
A royal feast;
Cood stuff
Enough,
To say tho least,
To make mo feel
As fine as seal,
But sho enjoys a seven course meal.
A worn
And torn
Ten dollar suit
For mine
la fine
And swell to boot;
She Wants a gown
From Parts town
i And on a lesser one will frown.
She frets
And sets
Into a stew
And Jaws
Because
The rent's past due.
I don't get sore
Upon that score.
For I'm not built to walk the floor.
Choosing Evils.
Between two evils we are told to
choose the least. That sounds .like
good advice, but suppose a man Is be
tween an infuriated bull and a barb
wire fence, what Is he to do? The bull
is bearing down on him at the rate of
forty miles a second, and the fence
looks higher than the board wall
around a fifty cent ball game; besides,
It Is liberally covered with stickers.
Terhaps a philosopher would stand
for an iustaut and make a hasty eai
oulation as to which was the lesser
evil, but while he was doing that Urn
bull would saunter along and toss him
against tho fence, and then ho would
bo in a better position to Judge as to
which was the lesser evil, having earn
pled both.
It Is all right to choose between two
evils, but If a man has such freedom
of choice wouldn't It lie the part of
wisdom to choose neither?
Father Time.
lie. may bo slow as Judgment day
Or as the snail beside your way
When pvtnlmc dews are wet,
But you can bet your last lone dlmo
That ho will (jet you every time,
For ho Is sure ns debt.
Not Overlooking Anything.
"She looks like u resourceful woman."
"Ilosourcofui: Say, alio threatens to
ue n man for broach of promise, bus
ing her suit on half n dozen curt let
tors asking her to pay a bill."
Susptcious.
"What Is the outlook for the
iHwitors of the defunct bank?"
ds-
"Dark. It bus Just been announced
that tho bank will pay In full."
Sly Ljck.
Jmk Frost comes with fingers llfht.
Touches up your window
Just to show In Klps.mlng whits
Whst an nrtlst kin do.
Humor a$ Philosophy
By DUNCAN M. SMITH
NOT YOUR FUNERAL
When you haven't any money.
How complacent you can feel
When you hear a bunk Is busted
lly some wild tlnanclal deal.
If your debts are all your unset
And your fortune but a blank,
You can smile ut those who clamor
For their money in tho bank.
If you haven't any dealliiK
With the festive board of trado.
You can view It as a ripple
When the bears go on a raid;
If the call to put up margins
Doesn't spell for you mlshup,
Doubtless than from where you're loaf
ing It looks like a pleasant sirup.
If you haven't any horses
When the pinkeye comes around.
You can as a man and brother
Give opinions most profound;
If a doxen dogs full blooded
Do not add to your delight.
Tou can breathe the same as ever
When the catcher comes In sight.
Truly It makes quite a difference
Whether you ore In tho llamo
Or are Just a rank outsider
Bitting looking at the game.
Y'ou can view It from a distance,
I.iokln Just a tritlo bored,
If it Is another fellow
Whose off ox Is being gored.
A Great Drying Up.
Science, which is never so happy us
when It Is scaring lis to death, conies
along with the startling Information
that Niagara will dry up In 3,HM) years
both ns to its roar and its wetness.
Those who Intend to go over the falls
In a barrel will have to hurry up, for
time Is fleeting, and if they dully away
the next precious 3,000 yours they may
bare to hunt up some less spectacular
method of suicide.
How we will miss those fulls! When
8oin puffed up foreigner begins brng
glntf about the grander things they
have in Europe we can no longer si
lence him by pointing to Nlugaru, but
must be content with modestly calling
attention to Tike's peak and our graft
ing senators. It will indeed be a sad
and humiliating day when we hnve to
turn tho hose on the falls to keep the
dust from blowing In the eyes of spec
tators.
Sport For the Young.
Iildlnt? down tho pavement Icy
On his Christmas sled,
X."sIiik language blue nnd npiry
When ho cracks his head;
Throwing snowballs packed and tougher
Than a last year's bun
At some dlgnlfled old duffer
Much too fat to run
These and other winter frolics
Make the sum. In sooth,
'Twlxt the whooping cough and colio
Of our Joyous youth.
At Close Range.
"She doesu't appreciate her bus
band." "Perhaps she knows hlui too well."
Some Evidence.
"Is be superstitious?"
"Well, he Is using hair restorer.'
Base Use,
It helps appearances to have
A man about the flat
Just us a piece of furniture
Or something much like thut,
Lut still the woman who Is kind
Won't use him us a mat.
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
When a clock strikes It literully tells
time.
Hunger In regular doses Is a better
cure for pride than anything you can
buy ut the drug store.
The fellow who didn't know that the
gun wns loaded can usually show evi
dence to prove thut he has made the
discovery.
Any old otory will serve if you huve
the nerve to tell It.
There are people who If they didn't
have to do anything would only do
what they hud to do.
Words that have to be euteu ore sol
doni sweet.
Social position Is quite a different
thing among tho Four Hundred from
what It Is In the pie belt.
Occasionally you see a yauuin who
looks ns though somothhig besides fan
cy hud painted her. (,
Iu these days of particular prosecut
ing attorneys there are statesmen who
wish they had inado tho penitentiaries
u little more homelike w hen they were
lu power.
For Those Who Laugh.
' You'll lienr 4 I. lly fellow
Vt lilt certain lliliik's to say.
He help to i'Iihm- Hie ti:t.lAH
Thai i iirtulu life' dark way
lie II help you It von r billion
Andrlievr you If you r glutu
In fuel In- lolly vuliu'
Are tfoln,: to uiaWe I Itini: hum "
Proof of the political plum tree is
the grating.
It's an exceptionally poor rule that
refuses to work either way.
Necessity knows no law; but that is
no excuse for a lawyer.
Mast women have no visible moans
of support except on rainy days.
Wise men make hay while the sun
shines, but fools nuke it by gaslight.
Riches have wins and rich men
may eventually have flying-machines.
A barber isn't necessarily an artist
because he illustrates his stories with
cuts.
Many a man is so crooked that his
measure can only by taken with a cork
screw.
Nearly every man has a small streak
of genius and a large streak of yellow
in him.
Few women are as good as they look
and few men are as bad as they pre
tend to be.
A woman thinks there Is somethihg
the matter with a man wlu refuses to
argue with her.
From your neighbor's point of view
your phenomenal success Is merely a
case of bulllieadcd luck.
Many a man who professes to love
his enemies more than balances the
account by hating his friends.
When a girl falls In love she loses
her heart, and If tome man doesn't
find It she proceeds to lose her head.
No man living can give the details
of a wedding ceremony, but every wo
man present can tell what every other
woman had on.
Sentence Sermon Shots.
Light from above Is for the path be
low.
He cannot tlnd wisdom who will uot
worship.
No man climbs to the Father by
treading on his brother.
The shepherd's crook does not make
the crooked sheep.
Many fall through success, while oth
ers succeed through failure.
The llowers of triumph are watered
by tears.
No man is brave until be has over
come the fear of being called a coward.
Stealing sorrow is as much a sin as
acquiring stolen joys.
When generosity is a surgical opera
tlon It Is often fatal to the patient.
Clothes do not make the man, though
they often mark his mind.
The shrewd man seldom has sense
enough to know that he cannot be sat
isfied so long as bis soul is starved.
The man whose thoughts seem to be
In heaven is never so far from earth as
when the offering is being taken.
The godly man is not likely to be
good unless he believes In the goodness
of his (iod.
It is better to be the fool soon parted
from his money than the miser whose
soul is buried with it.
When some men send a dollar to
heaven they want to receive the earth
for a rebate.
Many things may keep you from the
other triumphsof life, but only selfish
nesscan keep you from the victory of
love.
If the black sheep were more com
mon no one would stop to count them
It is not the people who are poor, but
the poor people that the church needs
to be asked of.
The fact that a man Is all puffed up
with pride will not mitigate the jar
when he takes his fall.
special airs to the health of every
animal nnd fowl on tlio farm.
Sick poultry, sheep, cattle, hogs,
Nn-ses, etc., depend on their livers
to Keep them well
Black-Draught
Stock and Poultry
Medicine
keeps their livers working and
therefore keeps them well.
Hlack-DrauKht Stock and Poul
try MeJiclne is a pure, natural,
vegetable, Mood purifier, and acts
hy regulating the stomach, liver
and howels.
It prevents and cures Hog Chol
era, Chicken Cholera, Colic, DIs-
P-1illiTA-r7'CoC,.Colds, Constipa
tion, Fever, Losv ' ppcuie,
Wasting Away, and U the com
mon stock diseases.
It Is a perfect n t :;,.ini ,,,r gen
eral farm use. Try It. V i
Price 25c for a large can, at
all druggists and dealers
f Stock
Profits
I can be greatly increased by giving 1 1
special art! to the health of every If
Sick poultry, sheep, cattle, hogs, 11
COURT THIRTY YEARS AGO
The Dccket of John W. Haines, Justice
of the Peace af That Time.
QUITE AN INTERESTING DOCUMENT
Most of the Litigants on this Court Docket
Hate Passed Away or Removed
From the County.
The Journal of yesterday mentioned
the receipt by County Treasurer
Wheeler or a relic In the shape of an
old court docket of Jolm W. Haines,
then a justice of the peace here In
riattsniouth, and dates back to the
years of l72-lS7r. The names that
appear thereon are all strange to us
with the exception of two or three,
among whom is the name of S. M.
Chapman who appeared In several
cases as an attorney. M. 1!. Cutler
was then sheriff of ( ass county, ami It
seems he did all the work that Is
usually done now days by a constable.
The ducket consists of plain white
ruled fiM'Iscap paper clinched together
and is yellow with age. The penman
ship Is very fair, and has probably been
among the archives lu the olllce of II.
F.aton, commissioner of public
lands, at Lincoln. (). M. Strelght was
deputy sheriir and served many of the
papers. The docket contains twenty-
six cases, as follows:
Ilawley & Ilurks vs. Wachter A
Howman, on note for .U.OO. A judg
ment for the amount, together with
suit, was rendered in favor of plain
tliT, which was, strange to say, paid
without any appeal to higher court
Welrc Mow Co. vs. T. II. ltrown, on
note for thirty-four dollars. .Search
was made to tlnd the said T. II. Ilrown
on whom to serve papers, but he could
not be found, and a Judgment entered
for amount together with costs.
II. Mckols vs. Moses K'cifer. to
secure payment of note for twenty-
four dollars and ninety-live cents
Judgment for plaintiff.
.1. M. Schellbacher vs. L.C. Johnson
This Isan account for blacksmith work
for the amount of $17.".i). Judgment
'or plaiiiti!!'.
C. II. I'inkham vs. A. C. Mackln.
n account of goods purchased to the
amount of $11 :ih. Judgment for nlain-
HIT, execution Issued, no property
found, and plaintiff paid costs of suit.
Wm. Stadlcman vs. M. M. liutler.
On note for Judgment paid lu
full together with costs of suit.
L. W.l'atterson vs. Franz O.Franen,
Helnrlch Christophers and Herman
Ivlopplng, on note. Judgment for
plaintiff and execution issued for the
same and costs.
Michael Melslnger vs.George Lohnes,
on account for threshing to the
amount of $18.:w, together with two
years Interest. Judgment for the
amount of $20.00, and the same paid.
State of Nebraska vs. Michael Caney.
for assault upon one C. W. Hryant, in
the city of Plattsmouth, on bis own
preiscs. Defendant lined $.V).00 and
costs of suit.
Charles C. .Shcppard vs. J. M. and
W. J. Carter and M. Holmes. On
account for $100.00, and Judgment
given plaintiff lor the full amount.
The last case on this docket Is one
entitled Noah Clements vs. H. S. and
B. B. Woods, on account for the sum
of $ii0.00. Judgment rendered In favor
of plaintiff, execution Issued, no prop
erty found, and the plaintiff paid costs
of action.
There arc perhaps those living In
Flattsmouth who remember all the
parties In the above named actions,
the plaintiff In the latter case having
departed this life but a few weeks
since. Thirty years brings about
many changes, and today when a suit
Is brought before a justice's court,
nine times out of ten it Is carried to a
higher tribunal. This demonstrates
that litigants In those days had more
good sound judgment than many of
those who have business with the
courts today. In all the cases on J ustlec
Haines' docket not one was appealed,
and but one change of venue asked
for. The Journal will have more to
say regarding this ancient document
In some future issue.
The Man Ahead.
In every newspaper we pick up we
arc sure to find a lot of gusli ahout the
man behind the counter and the man
behind the gun, the man behind the
buz, saw and the man behind his son,
the man behind the times and the man
behind the rents, the man behind the
kodak and the man behind the cars
the man behind his whiskers and the
man behind his list, and everything
behind has entered on this list. They
skipped another of whom nothing has
been said, the fellow who Is even, or a
little, ways ahead, who always pays for
what ho gets, whose bills are always
signed, he's blame sight more Impor
tant than the man who Is behind. All
wc editors and merchants and the
Miolc commercial plan arc Indebted
f j existence to the honest fcllowman.
H keeps us all In business and his own
tovn Is never dead, and so we take our
hatsff to the man who Is ahead.
ACCIDENTS AT B. &M. SHOPS
Several Workmen Received Injuries, But
None Prove Serious.
Several accidents occurred at the
Burlington simps on Thursdav, at the
time of which a Journal reporter at
tempted to get the particulars but
failed. Joel I. Parker of the coach
shops was struck nUive the right eye
by a falling wrench, causing a small
Incision, which required several
stitches to close. While cutting oil
rlvlts, J. V. Woodard was struck by a
fragment, which Indicted a slight
wound on the left arm. In loading a
truck, II. L. Harding had the misfor
tune to got the little ringer of his right
hand mashed. A pin How up and made
slight contusion alove J. C. Brit-
ton's right ear, while he was assisting
in unloading a truck. John Chapman
got his right thumb bruised between
some Iron rods. Frank KouUvk re
ceived a slight punctured wound, caus
ed by stepping on a nail. While sand
papering a car N. K. Peoples unfortu
nately nciiilred a splinter in his right
middle linger. Ferdinand Iimida has
an Infected linger, caused of being
struck by a rivet.
All those accidents occurred In one
day, anil while none of them proved
serious, the most of thorn required the
services of the company physician.
They are ah Improving, and the
slightly Injured did not lay oil' an hour.
On Charge of Hazing.
The following special from Annapo
lis, Mil., to the Omaha Bee, underdatc
of January 2ith, says: "Tho trial of
Midshipman (leorgc Molvhiof (ieneseo,
111., began this morning. Melvln Is a
member of the third class. The charge
of hazing against Melvln Is supported
by six sped Heat Ions, alleging the luu
lng of live different midshipmen, all of
the fourth class. I'nder live of the
specifications only the requirement of
physical exercise Is alleged, and In one
the use of abusive language Is also
charged." The above clipping gives
another Instance of the determination
of the authorities to stamp out al
forms of hazing In the I'. S. Academy.
Midshipman Melvln mentioned in the
above dispatch was a classmate in Hie
fourth class with I he writer, and
would be the last one in that class,
who would be suspected of over being
guilty of hazing. He was a bright stu
dent and a worthy midshipman, and
was looked upon by his classmates as
being very timid. He was never
known to resist the requirements of
uppcrciassmen, or In the vernacular
of the Academy, was never "ratty."
If the authorit ies at the Academy had
teen as vigilant In discouraging hazing
as they are now In prosecuting that
evil, most If not all of the midshipmen
that have been court-martialed, would
have escaped punishment and expul
sion and would have become brave and
worthy ofllccrs of the United States
Navy.
Obituary.
Jack Flste was born In Cass county,
near Plattsmouth, on June 2:i, 181)2,
and died at Greenwood, this county,
January 22, liHKl, aged 13 years, 7
months ana i aay. as a liste he was
unequaled, always kind to everyone
with whom he met, he was a friend to
them all. Brave as a lion and quick
as a cat, he bore a record as a mouscr,
killing 'J or me pests id that many
seconds. He was burled Saturday af
ternoon at Maple (irove. Peace to his
ashes. A FkikM).
List your farm and city
property with J. H Thrasher
Coates Block.
IN THE GOOD OLD
Summer time
You want to save jour
money to buy your
COAL
iFOR THEz
WINTER
AT OUR CITY
Coal Yards.
Full Weight Guaranteed
Best Threshing Coal
All Kinds of Feed
J.V.Egenberger
Proprietor Plattsmouth
Coal Yards
Corner Third and Main Streets
Hell Phono Z' Platts Phono 22
iHin't allow money to lie around. It
Is easier to spend it and easier
to lose It.
SAVE MONEY
by keeping It In a safe place such M
The Bank, of Cass County
'!!
I;
V,
1 ' V.V. '
:vAveJ(
!r
S v
""ft
. : ..'CI-
Capital Stock $."0,o00, Surplus $15,000
or r ii nut
Clum. C. 1'iirniole, I'res., Jurob Trllseh, V-P.
T. M, I'ulleriton, Cui.li.
You can give a check for any part of
It at any time and so have a receipt
for payment without asking for one.
hen yon have a bank account you
w ill be anxious to add to It rather than
spend from It. Pon't you want to
know more about It.
Edison and Victor
PHONOGRAPHS
$10to$100
50,000 RECORDS
To SKLKi'T FROM.
Send for catalogue of Machines
and Becords or send us vour name
and we htII have our Mr. lloorge
Miller call on you.
W Prepay All Charges.
Nebraska Cycle Co.
GEO. E. MICKEL,
1.1th and Harney. OMAHA
arlyfiisor
8
THE FAMOUS LITTLE PILLS.
For quick relief from BlllouantM,
Sick Hedche, Torpid Liver, Jw
dice, Dlzilneu, and all trouble arl
tnf from n Inactive or ilufglih llvei,
DeWltt'i Little Early Risers era un
equalled. They act promptly and never f rlp.
They are to dainty that II It a pleasure
lo take them. One to two act a
mild laxative; two or four act a
pleasant and effective cathartic. They
are purely vegetable and absolutely
harmless. They tonlo the liver.
MIPAMD OHLV IV
K. C. DeWIK & Co., Cktoarf
DR. J. 0. BRUCE
OsteooQthic Physician
Chronic Diseases a Specialty
Coiiles HliM'k. nxitiiHS.'.'i iiniri-il. Ofllce hours
9 ti I J iv. im I to i p. tn. mill 7 to M i. in. by ap
pointment,. Teli'ijlionen, olllrc ; resilience
ut IVrkliiH Hotel.
pit. MA1LSIIALU
DKNTIST
All kind of Ih'ntnl work. I'lutcs made thai
III. 2rt yeiir experience. 1'rlces reasonable.
Work Kuitruntevd.
OKKICK-Kitzokhai.d Hi.ock.
Tei.eimio.ni No. Soh47
V Abstracts o Title V
THOirffillNG
UKFICF.-Anlieuncr-Itu.th Illoclc
rOHN Af. LEYDA,
ATTORN EY-AT-LAW
ABSTRACTER OF LAND IT LES.
I'repnrlnK Hi! run of title, ronvoyancln
and fxnnilnliiK llthw to ri'nl entitle a Hpeclal
ty. Work pruperly done and cliitrve reason
alilP. OthYe: Koums A and J. John Uund
Hiilldlnif. near Court House, riatlsnioulh,
Nebraska.
J. M. Greene, M. D.
Physician and Surgeon
Can bo reached by 'phono night or day
Manley, Nebraska.
Danger Is near at hand w.icn the
kidneys are sick. Kldney-Ettes will
purify and strengthen the kidneys and
restore them to their normal and
healthy condition. 2" cents at Gerlng
Co's.
v,