The
Scrap Book
Not Fit to Bo Minister.
When tlio announcement wns made
that a certain Ui8tlnKuInliwl citizen
Lad boon Appointed to Join tlio na
tion's diplomatic forces and assume un
important foreign portfolio, the matter
was naturally discussed with a great
deal of Interest among bis acquaint
ances. One day tlio subject come up In a
company among which was one old
fellow who had known the apimlntee
for upward of forty years.
"What do you nay lie has been ap
pointed to?" the old fellow asked.
' Why," answered one, "he has been
appointed to be minister lu one ot the
largest cities of Euroiie."
"Well, that's the most ridiculous
thing I ever heard of." snorted the
friend of the new diplomatist. "He's
nice feller, all right, but he ain't Ot
to be minister nowhere. Why, durn
It, bo don't even know the Lord's
prayer."
Fco tho Sun.
Don't hunt after trouble, but look for
tucceu,
Tou'll And what you look for; don't look
for dlBtruss.
If you see but your shadow, remember, I
pray,
That tho sun la still shining-, but you're
In the way.
Don't grumble, don't bluster, don't dream
and don't shirk;
Don't think of your worries, but think of
your work.
The worries will vanish; the work will be
done.
No man sees his shadow who faces tho
sun.
Sometimes, Tommy.
The title of this dlaloguo might be
"Why Papa Believes in Corporal Pun
ishment:" "Papa?"
"Well?"
"Is there a Christian flea?"
"Why, what on earth ever put thot
Idea In your bead?"
"The preacher read it today from the
Bible, 'The wicked flee when no man
pursuetb.' "
"Why, Tommy, that means that the
wicked men flee"
"Then, papa, is there a wicked wo
man flea?"
"No, no. It means that the wicked
flees, runs away."
"Why do they run?"
"Who?"
"The wicked fleas."
"No, no! Dou't you see? The wick
ed man runs away when no man 1b
after him."
"Is there a woman after him?"
"Tommy, go to bed!"
A Model.
Mr. Jones came borne ot an unseem
ly hour the other night and was sur
prised to see Mrs. Jones sitting up
for hltn below stairs, with no other
light than that of the gas lamp, which
faced the door, to keep her company.
"M-M-Murle." he said huskily, "y-you
shouldn't sit up s'late when I'm out on
business." .
As Mrs. Jones did not answer him,
he continued lu on alarmed voice:
"Shorry. m'dear, but it's last time
tell you I'm sorry. Wou't shpeak to
me?"
At this moment Mrs. Jones called
from above stairs:
"Mr. Jones, who ore you talking to
at this hour of the night?"
"Thnsli what I'd like to know
m-m-myself." stammered Jones.
Mrs. Jones hastened downstairs,
lamp in hand. When she saw the sit-
"IT'S TlfJ MODEL," HUB BAID.
nation she laughed In spite of being
very ungry.
"it's the model," she said "the mod
t'l I bought today to tit my dresses
on." .
"Yes. thnsh so." sold Jones tlpslly.
"Model woman didn't talk bnck
inake some fellow good wife."
A Fair Proposition.
. The house committee of a New 'York
lu: once received this unique com
plaint: "I have the honor to Inform you that
1 lunched nt the club this afternoon
n:-d had a my guests three gentle
men, nil well known gourmets
Anions other t hints mi omelet was,
rcrwd. It contained onlv three (lies.
An nu old member of the club. Jealous
tf lis reputation. naturally found
IliU very embarrassing, us. In order
to utilise nu equitable division of the
omelet. It was necessary either to di
vide n lly-:i nice lilt nf curving, ns
yell niitrt copi ede or fore-'o a lly my
felf. I leg in suggest that In the fu
ture when an omelet Is served for
four person It sbenl.l be either with
(hi four Hies or (In no flies at all."
r "
0fj
"OLD HICKORY'S" NERVE.
An Arrest by Jackson and a Time He
Didn't Dance.
It was a fighting ajje in which
Andrew Jackson lived, and every
man who expected to command the
respect of tho world went prepared
not only to fight nt a moment's no
tice, but also to meet his man en
tho field of honor.
It can easily be imagined thai
Andrew Jackson, with his excitable
nature, his domineering manner and
his habit of regarding every op
ponent as a personal enemy, was
no means the most peaceably dis
posed citizen of the new settlements
of Tennessee. The stories of all
his brawls and duels would fill a
.volume.
Jackson's superb nerve is well il
lustrated by tho following anecdote
which comes down to us from the
time when he was supreme judge on
the Tennessee bench. One day 8
desperado named Bean paraded up
and down in front of the log court
house and threatened to shoot sher
iff, judge and jury. Twice Jackson
ordered the sheriff to arrest thf
man, and twice the sheriff was over
awed by the desperado's threats and
formidable appearance.
"Deputize me. I'll arrest hire
myself!" said Jackson, losing pa
tience at last.
The sheriff complied, and Jack
son, taking two pistols, walked oul
into the street. Bean at once meek
ly surrendered.
"When the judge come walkin'
out." Bean afterward explained, "J
looked him in the eye, an' I saw
6hoot, an' there hadn't been shool
in nary other eye in the crowd. So
I 6ays to myself, says I, 'Ole hoss.
it's about time to sing small,' an' sc
I did."
On another occasion, while Jack
son was riding circuit, ho was stop
ped by two rivermen of the clasf
whose boast it was that they were
"half horse, half alligator, tipped
with snapping turtle" and was tolc1
that he would have to dance foi
their edification. Jackson meekl)
answered that he was not accustom
ed to dancing without his pumps,
but that they were in his saddle
bags and if his captors would per
mit he would put them on befon
giving the performance. Nothinp
loath, they consented. Jackson ac
cordingly opened the bag and
plunging in both hands, drew there
out with a pistol in each. Pointing
them full at the men, he roared:
"Now we'll see who docs the danc
ing 1 Dance, you devils 1 Dance 1"
They danced. Chicago Tribune.
A Lost All Around.
Two Englishmen on a visit to Ire
land hired a boat for the purpose
of having a sail. One of the Brit
ons, thinking he would have a gooc
joke at Pat's expense, asked him il
he knew anything about astrology.
"Be jabers, no," said Tat.
"Then that's the best part o
your life just lost," answered the
Englishman.
The second Englishman ther
asked Tat if he knew anything
about theology.
"Be jabers, no," answered Pat.
"Well, I just guess that's th
very licst part of your life lost,'
said the second Englishman.
A few minutes later the boat cap
sized, and Pat began to swim. Tlu
Britons, however, could not swim
and both called loudly to Pat t
help them.
"Do you know anything aboul
swimology ?" asked Tat.
"No," answered both Englishmen
"Well, be jabers," replied Pat
"then both of your lives is lost."
Misnamed.
During a geography lesson in f
Baltimore school one day tho teach
er spoke at great length touching
that wondcrf il stream, the Missis
sippi. Inci " illy she afforded tht
pupils sonic interesting account oi
the historic events associated wit!
the great river.' "Finally," said she
"we must not overlook the poet'u
value of the name Mississippi. 1'
means 'Father of Waters.' Don't
forget that, boys and girls."
One lad, however, was not much
impressed bv this later contribu
tion to his store of knowledge. "1
lip pardon, ma'am," said bo, "bui
if the namo of tho river means 'ra
ther of Waters.' why don't they cal
it 'Mister Sippi ?' "Circle.
The Name of Stebbint,
The Stvbbins family is fairly nu
merous. 1 1 is not now n classic name
Its owners wear it ignoranlly mor,
the sliamc for them. It is bv riirlii
a classic name, borne as it was l
tho first of Christian martyr St
Steven, sometimes spelled Stephen
Steven is tho Dutch way of spelling
it. Spell it in Spanish Esteban
Drop the initial silent "e," and th"i
you have Slcban. Anions the is
norant the step to Stebbins in vcrj
short. And the honorable nnnie oi
St. Steven takes on degrudatiot
even as the fine old Norman-Frencl
namo D'Aubainc becomes the home
ly Dobbins. London Spectator.
A GREAT SINNER.
Even the Good Deacon Weakened en
His Chances For Heaven.
Deaeon Hroadlient. a very bouest
and pious man, whs eoiidiieilng a roll
glous revival with great sueeess. lu u
word, his powerful exhortations bad
brought Calhoun White, the towu's
Worst slnuer, weeping to the mourn
er's bench. The deacon, grntllled by
this proof of his evangelleul prowess,
hastened to Calhoun's side.
"Deacon," sobbed Calhoun, " 'taln't
no use In mnb eomiu' up. I's slutted
away de day o' grace."
"No. yo' bahj't. Brudder Cal." said
the deacon. "All yo" got to do is to
gib up sin an' all will be forgibben."
"I's done gib It up. deacon, but dar
hain't no salvation fo' me."
"Yes, dey is, lion. Dey hain't no sin
ao black but It kin be washed whiter 'n
de snow."
"But 1 done stole fo' young tuckeys
last week." said the penitent.
"Dat'B all forgibben. Cal."
"An free de week befo'."
"Dafa forgibben too."
"An six fat geese"
"The deacon suddenly frowned and
stiffened, while the penitent sinner
continued:
"six fat geese outer yore own yard,
deacon dem fat geese wot you 'lowed
to aet so much Btore by'
"Wot's dat yo' say?" the deacon hiss
ed furiously.
"It wuz me wot 8tole yo' fat geese,
sah."
The deacon rose.
"I reckon, Calhoun," he said slowly.
"I reckon I's spoken too hasty. DIs
case o' yourn needs advisement. I
ain't Bho' dat we's Justified In clutter
In' up de kingdom o' heben wld chick
en thieves."
Didn't Mean That.
"These." said the lecturer. Indicating
them with bis pointer, "are the mov
able bath bouses. Thousands of peo
ple congregate here durlug the sum
mer season. Over here on the left Is
the hotel at which 1 stopped, and an
exceedingly homelike place It Is. I
shall give you a nearer view of it pres
ently. Although I was there a week
or two and would gladly have re
mained longer If I could have spared
the time, I did not take any tmtbs
for the reason"
Loud and prolonged laughter.
"I meant, lodles and gentlemen." he
resumed after the merriment had sub
sided, "that I didn't take any baths
down at the beach. Thlsaudleuee Is al
together too smart." Baltimore Amer
ican. A Task.
To be honest, to be kind, to earn a
little and to spend less, to make, upon
the whole, a family happier by his
presence, to renounce where that shall
be necessary and not to be Imblttered.
to keep a few friends, but these with
out capltalatlon; above all, on tbe
same grim conditions to keep friends
with himself here is a task for ail
that a man has of fortitude and deli
cacy. Robert Louis Stevenson.
He Knew the Ropes.
During a special service lu a Phila
delphia church a few days ago tbe offi
ciating clergyman engaged io calling
those wishing to confess conversion to
proceed to tbe altar when a stranger
arose from his seat and slowly walked
to tbe altar railing. Tbe visitor In
formed the minister that he had deeld
ed to abandon his present mode of
living nud turn over a new leaf.
"Brother," said tbe clergyman, "do
you think you can walk the. straight
and narrow path?"
"Straight and narrow pntu'." ex
claimed the stranger. "Why. parson,
that will be a cinch for me. I've been
a tight rope walker for fifteen years."
Timid Applause.
During the earlier days of the relsn
of Queen Victoria dramatic perform
ances were given at Windsor castle
under the management of Charles
Kean. The audiences being limited
and sillily aristocratic, the nppltiuse
win naturally not especially hearty,
and the comedians felt the absence of
the more demonstrative approval man
ifested -in the regular theater.
One evening the queen sent an equer
ry to Mr. Kean to know If tlie actors
would like anything (meaning refresh'
mental, v lie:i the actor replied, "Say
to her majesty that we should be grille
ful for n Utile applause when thp spec
tators are pie:isid.'
Back went the eipierry mid conveyed
the message. At the eml of the net
there was a slight suggestion of hand
clapping and exceedingly gentle foot
tapping, .lames Wallnck, who knew
nothing of the message sent to the
queen, hearing the mild demonstration,
pricked up his ears and inquired,
"What Is tlintV"
Mr. Kean replied. "That, my dear
Wallaek. N applause."
"Ocd bless me'" retorted vWallurk.
"I thought It was some one shelling
peas."
The Sturdy Infent.
At a per'ormiince of "Horn" many
years ago. in a western city, when
Mary Morrison made her exit to bring
in her little Willie of four years she
was shocked to tlnd a lubberly boy of
nl lea "t fourteen, and as he wns the
only Willie nt baud on he must go.
though he was well nigh as big as hi"
mother. The Farmer Allan of the play,
being eiii:il to the emergency. Instead
i f Inquiring. "How old are you. iu
little many endeavored to remiHly the
matter by saying. "Mow old are you.
my strap;ilii' ImyV" But he failed, for
i the Isiy. who was Instructed to say
I from "four to vlx." enlil It with sneli
! a coarse, sepulchral lone as to drive
the nul tiiriil grandfather to ex
I Malm: "Torty-slx! You look it, my
jboy! You lot !; It!"
Pay Cash
Your Money Goes
Farther
I
Look Over Some of
Our Prices.
10c Can Corn - - - 9c
10c Can Tomatoes - 9c
10c Can Milk ... Op.
I 10c C:in Pfn . . .
- vu.u - tV
5c Box Salt .... 4c
10c Package Spices - 9c
25c Coffee per lb. - -23c
15c Coffee per lb. - - 14c
Jeniting Apples per
bushel - ... -50c
Cheese per lb. - - - 23c
Oyster Shells for
chickens per lb. - 2c
Hall & Son
I
SPECTACLES AND
EYEGLASSES
If your eyea ait troubling
you, let us test them and fit
you properly.
WE CAN DO IT
We can give you a better
glass and for less money than
you can buy elsewhere. We fit
Bi-focals also, you can see near
and far without the necessity of
having two pairs of glasses.
J. W.CRABILL
Watchmaker ard Jeweler.
C. B. &. Q. Watch Inspector.
DROP IN
Our office is always open. We have
some exceptionally good bargains in
farms and other Real Estate. We
will guarantee that
You Will Not Get "Bumped"
if you make a deal with us. . The best
asset of our Real Estate Business is
the manner in which we satisfy cus
tomers. For our mutual good we are
anxious to add your name to the list.
W. E. ROSENCRANS & SON
Plattsmouth, Neb.
WE DELIVER GROCERIES
That' our business trading groceries
for money. It is always
OUR AIM
to see how much, not how little, we
can give for the price. Constantly
competing with ourselves, endeavor
ing to buy good goods at prices, which
will permit us to sell at lower prices
than we have ever made before.
There is always
SOMETHING DOING
here to serve our customers so they
will be pleased and satinficd. Are you
one of thrm.
J. L Tuey.
CHICHESTER S PILLS
llrac.M. A-kf.f U. IIKM-TFRA
IHAliWND IIUAM ril.l M,'" V
y.tn known Bell, 8a(it. Alwr Kftial'l.
l.mllra! Aak r lr(ill f'f i
I M.rkiiMt'r'a lllainnn J Tlran.lAN
fill, in lt 4 in.l ..iM u.rullicW
h...w, M.lr.1 with llhi. KlUnn.
Tmlm mm alk.. Iluv mf fiwc V
SOLO BY DRUGGISTS MRWHERE.
A The Plallsmoulh Telephone Co
ill Install
Short
Business rate per
Residence rate per
650 Telephones on the Platts
mouth Exchange.
Office Next Door
The Plallsmoulh Telephone Co P
SEE PLATTSMOUTH SUCCEED
See PlattsmouthJSucceed, Smoke Acorn Cigars,
Made here at home .and famed near and far;
Of flavor the finest you smoke and repeat
Kiflgs of their kind They cannot be beat. :
Every Puff is a pleasure, enjoyment complete.
And their fillings selected from Cuban choice fields,
Complete satisfaction the Acorns yield.
Over the country they jumped into fame,
Right from the start they are always the same.
No Products are better all men have agreed.
Smoke Acorn Cigars See;PJattsmouth Succeed.
PTAK:& 'jJECK-
Manufacturers
THE TAILOR'S SONG
Fit out at Frank's get a suit up to date,
Right in the fashion of woolens first rate.
A suit that will fit goods sound as a bell,
No outside shops will fit you as well,
Keep track of Mac's good value he sells. .
. Mac builds good clothes garments all neat,
Chicago's ready made agents cannot compete.
Examine his line and prices all through,
Look him up for a suit, saves money for you.
Reliable goods, all through his line,
Order a suit for the on coming spring time,
You find value for money here every time.
F. M. RICHEY
DEALER IN
Building Material
LUMBER, LIME, ETC.
Estimates Furnished.
Prompt Attention to Orders.
YARDS AT
PLATTSMOUTH, - . MYNARD,
NEBRASKA. - . - NEBRASKA.
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Telephones on
Notice
month $200
month $1.00
to Post Office.
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10c per week.
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