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About The news-herald. (Plattsmouth, Neb.) 1909-1911 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 17, 1910)
The Scrap Book Not Fit to Bo Minister. When tlio announcement wns made that a certain Ui8tlnKuInliwl citizen Lad boon Appointed to Join tlio na tion's diplomatic forces and assume un important foreign portfolio, the matter was naturally discussed with a great deal of Interest among bis acquaint ances. One day tlio subject come up In a company among which was one old fellow who had known the apimlntee for upward of forty years. "What do you nay lie has been ap pointed to?" the old fellow asked. ' Why," answered one, "he has been appointed to be minister lu one ot the largest cities of Euroiie." "Well, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of." snorted the friend of the new diplomatist. "He's nice feller, all right, but he ain't Ot to be minister nowhere. Why, durn It, bo don't even know the Lord's prayer." Fco tho Sun. Don't hunt after trouble, but look for tucceu, Tou'll And what you look for; don't look for dlBtruss. If you see but your shadow, remember, I pray, That tho sun la still shining-, but you're In the way. Don't grumble, don't bluster, don't dream and don't shirk; Don't think of your worries, but think of your work. The worries will vanish; the work will be done. No man sees his shadow who faces tho sun. Sometimes, Tommy. The title of this dlaloguo might be "Why Papa Believes in Corporal Pun ishment:" "Papa?" "Well?" "Is there a Christian flea?" "Why, what on earth ever put thot Idea In your bead?" "The preacher read it today from the Bible, 'The wicked flee when no man pursuetb.' " "Why, Tommy, that means that the wicked men flee" "Then, papa, is there a wicked wo man flea?" "No, no. It means that the wicked flees, runs away." "Why do they run?" "Who?" "The wicked fleas." "No, no! Dou't you see? The wick ed man runs away when no man 1b after him." "Is there a woman after him?" "Tommy, go to bed!" A Model. Mr. Jones came borne ot an unseem ly hour the other night and was sur prised to see Mrs. Jones sitting up for hltn below stairs, with no other light than that of the gas lamp, which faced the door, to keep her company. "M-M-Murle." he said huskily, "y-you shouldn't sit up s'late when I'm out on business." . As Mrs. Jones did not answer him, he continued lu on alarmed voice: "Shorry. m'dear, but it's last time tell you I'm sorry. Wou't shpeak to me?" At this moment Mrs. Jones called from above stairs: "Mr. Jones, who ore you talking to at this hour of the night?" "Thnsli what I'd like to know m-m-myself." stammered Jones. Mrs. Jones hastened downstairs, lamp in hand. When she saw the sit- "IT'S TlfJ MODEL," HUB BAID. nation she laughed In spite of being very ungry. "it's the model," she said "the mod t'l I bought today to tit my dresses on." . "Yes. thnsh so." sold Jones tlpslly. "Model woman didn't talk bnck inake some fellow good wife." A Fair Proposition. . The house committee of a New 'York lu: once received this unique com plaint: "I have the honor to Inform you that 1 lunched nt the club this afternoon n:-d had a my guests three gentle men, nil well known gourmets Anions other t hints mi omelet was, rcrwd. It contained onlv three (lies. An nu old member of the club. Jealous tf lis reputation. naturally found IliU very embarrassing, us. In order to utilise nu equitable division of the omelet. It was necessary either to di vide n lly-:i nice lilt nf curving, ns yell niitrt copi ede or fore-'o a lly my felf. I leg in suggest that In the fu ture when an omelet Is served for four person It sbenl.l be either with (hi four Hies or (In no flies at all." r " 0fj "OLD HICKORY'S" NERVE. An Arrest by Jackson and a Time He Didn't Dance. It was a fighting ajje in which Andrew Jackson lived, and every man who expected to command the respect of tho world went prepared not only to fight nt a moment's no tice, but also to meet his man en tho field of honor. It can easily be imagined thai Andrew Jackson, with his excitable nature, his domineering manner and his habit of regarding every op ponent as a personal enemy, was no means the most peaceably dis posed citizen of the new settlements of Tennessee. The stories of all his brawls and duels would fill a .volume. Jackson's superb nerve is well il lustrated by tho following anecdote which comes down to us from the time when he was supreme judge on the Tennessee bench. One day 8 desperado named Bean paraded up and down in front of the log court house and threatened to shoot sher iff, judge and jury. Twice Jackson ordered the sheriff to arrest thf man, and twice the sheriff was over awed by the desperado's threats and formidable appearance. "Deputize me. I'll arrest hire myself!" said Jackson, losing pa tience at last. The sheriff complied, and Jack son, taking two pistols, walked oul into the street. Bean at once meek ly surrendered. "When the judge come walkin' out." Bean afterward explained, "J looked him in the eye, an' I saw 6hoot, an' there hadn't been shool in nary other eye in the crowd. So I 6ays to myself, says I, 'Ole hoss. it's about time to sing small,' an' sc I did." On another occasion, while Jack son was riding circuit, ho was stop ped by two rivermen of the clasf whose boast it was that they were "half horse, half alligator, tipped with snapping turtle" and was tolc1 that he would have to dance foi their edification. Jackson meekl) answered that he was not accustom ed to dancing without his pumps, but that they were in his saddle bags and if his captors would per mit he would put them on befon giving the performance. Nothinp loath, they consented. Jackson ac cordingly opened the bag and plunging in both hands, drew there out with a pistol in each. Pointing them full at the men, he roared: "Now we'll see who docs the danc ing 1 Dance, you devils 1 Dance 1" They danced. Chicago Tribune. A Lost All Around. Two Englishmen on a visit to Ire land hired a boat for the purpose of having a sail. One of the Brit ons, thinking he would have a gooc joke at Pat's expense, asked him il he knew anything about astrology. "Be jabers, no," said Tat. "Then that's the best part o your life just lost," answered the Englishman. The second Englishman ther asked Tat if he knew anything about theology. "Be jabers, no," answered Pat. "Well, I just guess that's th very licst part of your life lost,' said the second Englishman. A few minutes later the boat cap sized, and Pat began to swim. Tlu Britons, however, could not swim and both called loudly to Pat t help them. "Do you know anything aboul swimology ?" asked Tat. "No," answered both Englishmen "Well, be jabers," replied Pat "then both of your lives is lost." Misnamed. During a geography lesson in f Baltimore school one day tho teach er spoke at great length touching that wondcrf il stream, the Missis sippi. Inci " illy she afforded tht pupils sonic interesting account oi the historic events associated wit! the great river.' "Finally," said she "we must not overlook the poet'u value of the name Mississippi. 1' means 'Father of Waters.' Don't forget that, boys and girls." One lad, however, was not much impressed bv this later contribu tion to his store of knowledge. "1 lip pardon, ma'am," said bo, "bui if the namo of tho river means 'ra ther of Waters.' why don't they cal it 'Mister Sippi ?' "Circle. The Name of Stebbint, The Stvbbins family is fairly nu merous. 1 1 is not now n classic name Its owners wear it ignoranlly mor, the sliamc for them. It is bv riirlii a classic name, borne as it was l tho first of Christian martyr St Steven, sometimes spelled Stephen Steven is tho Dutch way of spelling it. Spell it in Spanish Esteban Drop the initial silent "e," and th"i you have Slcban. Anions the is norant the step to Stebbins in vcrj short. And the honorable nnnie oi St. Steven takes on degrudatiot even as the fine old Norman-Frencl namo D'Aubainc becomes the home ly Dobbins. London Spectator. A GREAT SINNER. Even the Good Deacon Weakened en His Chances For Heaven. Deaeon Hroadlient. a very bouest and pious man, whs eoiidiieilng a roll glous revival with great sueeess. lu u word, his powerful exhortations bad brought Calhoun White, the towu's Worst slnuer, weeping to the mourn er's bench. The deacon, grntllled by this proof of his evangelleul prowess, hastened to Calhoun's side. "Deacon," sobbed Calhoun, " 'taln't no use In mnb eomiu' up. I's slutted away de day o' grace." "No. yo' bahj't. Brudder Cal." said the deacon. "All yo" got to do is to gib up sin an' all will be forgibben." "I's done gib It up. deacon, but dar hain't no salvation fo' me." "Yes, dey is, lion. Dey hain't no sin ao black but It kin be washed whiter 'n de snow." "But 1 done stole fo' young tuckeys last week." said the penitent. "Dat'B all forgibben. Cal." "An free de week befo'." "Dafa forgibben too." "An six fat geese" "The deacon suddenly frowned and stiffened, while the penitent sinner continued: "six fat geese outer yore own yard, deacon dem fat geese wot you 'lowed to aet so much Btore by' "Wot's dat yo' say?" the deacon hiss ed furiously. "It wuz me wot 8tole yo' fat geese, sah." The deacon rose. "I reckon, Calhoun," he said slowly. "I reckon I's spoken too hasty. DIs case o' yourn needs advisement. I ain't Bho' dat we's Justified In clutter In' up de kingdom o' heben wld chick en thieves." Didn't Mean That. "These." said the lecturer. Indicating them with bis pointer, "are the mov able bath bouses. Thousands of peo ple congregate here durlug the sum mer season. Over here on the left Is the hotel at which 1 stopped, and an exceedingly homelike place It Is. I shall give you a nearer view of it pres ently. Although I was there a week or two and would gladly have re mained longer If I could have spared the time, I did not take any tmtbs for the reason" Loud and prolonged laughter. "I meant, lodles and gentlemen." he resumed after the merriment had sub sided, "that I didn't take any baths down at the beach. Thlsaudleuee Is al together too smart." Baltimore Amer ican. A Task. To be honest, to be kind, to earn a little and to spend less, to make, upon the whole, a family happier by his presence, to renounce where that shall be necessary and not to be Imblttered. to keep a few friends, but these with out capltalatlon; above all, on tbe same grim conditions to keep friends with himself here is a task for ail that a man has of fortitude and deli cacy. Robert Louis Stevenson. He Knew the Ropes. During a special service lu a Phila delphia church a few days ago tbe offi ciating clergyman engaged io calling those wishing to confess conversion to proceed to tbe altar when a stranger arose from his seat and slowly walked to tbe altar railing. Tbe visitor In formed the minister that he had deeld ed to abandon his present mode of living nud turn over a new leaf. "Brother," said tbe clergyman, "do you think you can walk the. straight and narrow path?" "Straight and narrow pntu'." ex claimed the stranger. "Why. parson, that will be a cinch for me. I've been a tight rope walker for fifteen years." Timid Applause. During the earlier days of the relsn of Queen Victoria dramatic perform ances were given at Windsor castle under the management of Charles Kean. The audiences being limited and sillily aristocratic, the nppltiuse win naturally not especially hearty, and the comedians felt the absence of the more demonstrative approval man ifested -in the regular theater. One evening the queen sent an equer ry to Mr. Kean to know If tlie actors would like anything (meaning refresh' mental, v lie:i the actor replied, "Say to her majesty that we should be grille ful for n Utile applause when thp spec tators are pie:isid.' Back went the eipierry mid conveyed the message. At the eml of the net there was a slight suggestion of hand clapping and exceedingly gentle foot tapping, .lames Wallnck, who knew nothing of the message sent to the queen, hearing the mild demonstration, pricked up his ears and inquired, "What Is tlintV" Mr. Kean replied. "That, my dear Wallaek. N applause." "Ocd bless me'" retorted vWallurk. "I thought It was some one shelling peas." The Sturdy Infent. At a per'ormiince of "Horn" many years ago. in a western city, when Mary Morrison made her exit to bring in her little Willie of four years she was shocked to tlnd a lubberly boy of nl lea "t fourteen, and as he wns the only Willie nt baud on he must go. though he was well nigh as big as hi" mother. The Farmer Allan of the play, being eiii:il to the emergency. Instead i f Inquiring. "How old are you. iu little many endeavored to remiHly the matter by saying. "Mow old are you. my strap;ilii' ImyV" But he failed, for i the Isiy. who was Instructed to say I from "four to vlx." enlil It with sneli ! a coarse, sepulchral lone as to drive the nul tiiriil grandfather to ex I Malm: "Torty-slx! You look it, my jboy! You lot !; It!" Pay Cash Your Money Goes Farther I Look Over Some of Our Prices. 10c Can Corn - - - 9c 10c Can Tomatoes - 9c 10c Can Milk ... Op. I 10c C:in Pfn . . . - vu.u - tV 5c Box Salt .... 4c 10c Package Spices - 9c 25c Coffee per lb. - -23c 15c Coffee per lb. - - 14c Jeniting Apples per bushel - ... -50c Cheese per lb. - - - 23c Oyster Shells for chickens per lb. - 2c Hall & Son I SPECTACLES AND EYEGLASSES If your eyea ait troubling you, let us test them and fit you properly. WE CAN DO IT We can give you a better glass and for less money than you can buy elsewhere. We fit Bi-focals also, you can see near and far without the necessity of having two pairs of glasses. J. W.CRABILL Watchmaker ard Jeweler. C. B. &. Q. Watch Inspector. DROP IN Our office is always open. We have some exceptionally good bargains in farms and other Real Estate. We will guarantee that You Will Not Get "Bumped" if you make a deal with us. . The best asset of our Real Estate Business is the manner in which we satisfy cus tomers. For our mutual good we are anxious to add your name to the list. W. E. ROSENCRANS & SON Plattsmouth, Neb. WE DELIVER GROCERIES That' our business trading groceries for money. It is always OUR AIM to see how much, not how little, we can give for the price. Constantly competing with ourselves, endeavor ing to buy good goods at prices, which will permit us to sell at lower prices than we have ever made before. There is always SOMETHING DOING here to serve our customers so they will be pleased and satinficd. Are you one of thrm. J. L Tuey. CHICHESTER S PILLS llrac.M. A-kf.f U. IIKM-TFRA IHAliWND IIUAM ril.l M,'" V y.tn known Bell, 8a(it. Alwr Kftial'l. l.mllra! Aak r lr(ill f'f i I M.rkiiMt'r'a lllainnn J Tlran.lAN fill, in lt 4 in.l ..iM u.rullicW h...w, M.lr.1 with llhi. KlUnn. Tmlm mm alk.. Iluv mf fiwc V SOLO BY DRUGGISTS MRWHERE. A The Plallsmoulh Telephone Co ill Install Short Business rate per Residence rate per 650 Telephones on the Platts mouth Exchange. Office Next Door The Plallsmoulh Telephone Co P SEE PLATTSMOUTH SUCCEED See PlattsmouthJSucceed, Smoke Acorn Cigars, Made here at home .and famed near and far; Of flavor the finest you smoke and repeat Kiflgs of their kind They cannot be beat. : Every Puff is a pleasure, enjoyment complete. And their fillings selected from Cuban choice fields, Complete satisfaction the Acorns yield. Over the country they jumped into fame, Right from the start they are always the same. No Products are better all men have agreed. Smoke Acorn Cigars See;PJattsmouth Succeed. PTAK:& 'jJECK- Manufacturers THE TAILOR'S SONG Fit out at Frank's get a suit up to date, Right in the fashion of woolens first rate. A suit that will fit goods sound as a bell, No outside shops will fit you as well, Keep track of Mac's good value he sells. . . Mac builds good clothes garments all neat, Chicago's ready made agents cannot compete. Examine his line and prices all through, Look him up for a suit, saves money for you. Reliable goods, all through his line, Order a suit for the on coming spring time, You find value for money here every time. F. M. RICHEY DEALER IN Building Material LUMBER, LIME, ETC. Estimates Furnished. Prompt Attention to Orders. YARDS AT PLATTSMOUTH, - . MYNARD, NEBRASKA. - . - NEBRASKA. i i' J Hie Daily News Telephones on Notice month $200 month $1.00 to Post Office. .1 10c per week. v