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About The news-herald. (Plattsmouth, Neb.) 1909-1911 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 14, 1910)
r i, DOUBLE VISION. It Affected the Oculist at Well a the Patient. , A well known ot ulist of New York city tolls a story of one of tils patients who proved rather more than a match " for him. The patient was nil old fel low from one of the rural comities of the state, fifty years of nj;e or more, who Mrtilled, h;snrelv Into the doctor's otlice and. nfter takliiK a mental In ventory nf.the place, remarked that he was afraid that his eyes were "git tlng a lettle out o' kilter" and he guessed the doctor had better "take a peek at them.' He was seated and. as a preliminary! was Invited to look through a prism at a photograph. "Why. now." said he after "squint ing" awhile, "this Is curious! I see two photographs. What makes me see like that?" The oculist, who Is something of a humorist and Inclined to be Jocose with certalti of his patients, replied that this phenomenon was certainly very Interesting and that, while pos sibly It Indicated some slight abnor mality. It yet hud Its compensating ad vantages. "With double vision you have a great advantage over me, for Oramnllk" ha iiAntlniiAil cm.lllniv trm VAt,iii;i. vwill I.I IIVI. Diluting. VI you win ue anie to see twice as many beautiful things In the world as I can You will have twice as many friends. Your family will be doubled. You will have twice as much real estate and two pocketbooks instead of one." The old man did not say much In reply, but seemed to be pondering It. Meanwhile the oculist completed his examination, and the time came to re ceive his foe. which In this case was $10. Very- slowly the old man, still pon dering, drew forth a roll of notes and. carefully selecting a five dollar bill, looked hard nf It for some moments. Then, proffering It. he said quietly, "Here's your $10. doctor!" Spoiled Her Play. A very promising love affair. If not nipped In the bud, received an ugly Jolt through the medium of that "lu fernal little brother" the other even ing at the home of the young lady Involved. An Informal card party was In prog ress, and a young fellow who had been very marked In his attentions to the daughter of the house had her for lis partner. In the midst of the play little brother" popped up with this query: Mr. Blank, does sister play cards well?" "Yes. very well, Indeed," replied the suitor. "Well, then, you'd better look out." shouted the youngster, "'cause I heard mother say that If she played her cards well she would, catch you yet." The Summit of All Art. The art of arts, the glory of expres sion and the sunshine of the .light. of letters Is simplicity. Nothing is better than simplicity. Nothing can make up for excess or for the lack of defl-nlteuess.-Walt Whitman. Left Out In the Heat There was once a man who never at tended church, thinking that his wife's egular attendance made up for his own omission. Well, the man died and duly appeared before St. I'eter at the gate of paradise. "Who are you?" the saint asked curtly. "Why. St. Teter. I am John S. Nich olson of Chicago. I thought, of course, you knew me." "No: I don't know you." said the saint. "But. St. Peter, I am Mrs. Nichol son's huslmnd-the charitable Mrs. Nicholson, don't you know, who went regularly to church and was so kind to tlie poor." "Why didn't you do like her?" said the saint. "Well. St. Peter, I was always so worn out from business on Sunday that I had to play golf to avoid getting neuritis, and, anyhow, I understood that If Mrs. Nicholson went to church regularly It would do for lioth of us." "Your wife." said the saint, "was a true, faithful Christian. She came to these gates four years ago, and she went ln-for both of you." Hit Double Affliction. In Paris there Is a blind man who carries a lioard bearing this singular sign: "Blind by Birth and by Acci dent," "Look here, my good man." said a passerby: "your sign Is positively dis tracting! Can you tell me how you come to be blind by birth and by ac cident at the same time?" "Easy enough!" said the old mr,u. "You see, I'm blind by birth myself, and I've bought out a i.ihi-i : w'.o did business at the other end u ilie budge. He was blind by accident!" Nothing Left to Say. A lrtwycrv a very Immoral man, was dead. This lawyer was' a bad hus band, bad father, bad neighbor and generally' a bad man morally, though he had beeu very successful In bis pro fession. For the funeral a new preacher In the town was selected so that he would not know Just what kind of man the lawyer hod been. The preacher arrived and asked a man standing by, who was pretty much of a wag. what sort of man the lawyer had boon. The wag lauded the lawyer to the skies. The preacher believed all he said, arose aud pro nounced a poetic eulogy of the de parted barrister. When he had heard all he could Btand to hear without un burdening himself to somo one pres. ent, the Judge of tho court In that towu leaned over to n lawyer who sat beside him and remarked: "Well, there's mighty llttl? Induce ment for a really good man to die in this town now." -The Scrap Book She Started Early. There was a sergeant in an English regiment who was a martinet of the meanest kind, a veritable tyrant, whom the men thoroughly detested. The ser geant decided to get married, and the men . of the regi ment decided that when the happy event came off It it would be a fitting occasion to pay i i. ...I... i . . umn mm interest 4 - viu cm. n vji. On the - eventful day when the hap py pair emerged rrom tneir quarter they Were creeted with a perfect show er of rice and old caught him jusT shoes, but one Tom- ADOVE THE EYE. my Ufld H,v,v gub. stltuted a big pair of regulation Biucher boots, which he threw with such unerring aim that the missile Icaught the sergeant Just above the eye. Inflicting a nasty cut. Directly the ceremony was over the sergeant Immedi ately went to the hospital to have the wound dress ed. The doctor, after examining the swollen and discolored optic, Inquired how It was done. "Well, sir." re plied the eergennt, "1 got married to day, and" Here he was cut short by the doc tor, a married,, man. exclaiming: "TIIATEXPLAIXSIT. "Oh. I see! That explains it. But, by Jove, my dear man, she started early!" Sowing and Reaping. , Wlmt we sow Will surely grow, t Though the harvest may be slow. It may be We shall see Fruitage In eternity From some deed Propped, like seed, For a soul that was In need! Let us strive While we live Worthy thing's to do and give, Striving; still With good will Empty granaries to fill, For what we sow Will surely grow, Though tlie harvest may be slow. xJosephlne Pollard. grown and Black. In one of the middle west cities there lived a local wit and bis favorite butt. Both were prominent clubmen and en livened the same social set. One was named Black and the other Brown. Black was Immaculate In his dress, wljle Brown was careless, often wear ing his finger nails In mourning aud a not Immaculate collar with a dress suit. But family connections excused his shortcomings. One evening the pair arrived at a reception and met the hostess simultaneously. The two names inoul loned together suggested a bon mot to Brown, but the owning was disastrous. "The colors are very much In evi dence tonight." said Brown. ' To which their hostess replied. "Yes, I see they are. and. If rumor Is to be credited, they are fast colors." "No, no," broke in Black. "Brown won't wash." Severely Proper. A Boston girl the other day sold to a southern friend who was visiting her as two men rose lu a car to give them seats, "Oh, I wish they would not do It!" "Why not? I think it Is very nice of them," said her friend, settling her self comfortably. "Yes, but one can't thank them, you know', and it Is so awkward." "Can't thank them! Why not?" "Whj you would not speak to a strange"" man, would you?" said the Boston maiden, to the astonishment of her southern friend. A Shock For Mansfield. Mr. Mansfield's dignity was very great. He conducted himself toward others In a dignified way. lie expect ed others to conduct themselves to ward him in like maimer. But. once. In Chicago, Mr. Mansfield was touched on the raw by a manager. It was the first night of a Cyrano de Bergerac tour. The great actor, his delicate nerves n-qulver. was making up with his dresser's help when the manager rushed Into the dressing room without knocking, slopped Mr. Mans field heartily on tho bock and shout ed: "The house Is pocked! There ain't even no more standlu' room! Now. Dick, old mau, soil in and show 'em what yer made of!" The dresser used to say if he hadn't hustled that manager out Cyrano would have run tihn through with his word. A Grim Outlook. A lady Visiting Colorado, suffered greatly from the elevation. One day after on attack of brent hlessness slit sighed out, "1 tun sure I will die!" "Will-yoil go to heaven If you die?'' Inquired her little son anxiously. "I hope so. dour." Tho small boy burst into tears. "Oh, mother, door." he sobbed, "don't don't go to heaven! You could never stand the lthnde." r mi t i UWZ1 AGE CAME QUICKLY. For It Must Have Seemed t Long Time Between Drinks This story has to do with the cap tivity of Governor lsliaui (;. Harris and Senator Bate of Tennessee in the penitentiary at Nashville as prisoners of war during the sixties. After an unaccustomed period of abstinence, somewhat longer than that preserved by the governors of North and South Carolina, the governor and the sen ator cast about for a means to the alleviation of their consuming thirst. In the course of time an old coffeepot and other necessities fell Into their hands, and from their rations they managed to nave out a little corn now and then. From this point It is as well to let Huntsman tell the story lu the words of Governor Harris: "'Well. sen. we made three quants of the finest whisky yo' eveh sam pled. But what do yo' think, bop? One of the Inhuman gyards, seh, found two of them wheah we had secreted them an' took them from us at th' p'lnt of his bay'nlt. seh!' "'And what did you do with the other quort?' Huntsman asked. "'We aged It and drank It, seh,' said the governor. " 'How long did you age It. govern or?' said Huntsman. "x'Fo' days.' was the dignified re-sponse."-I.oulsvlllo Times. The Rule of Three. A man Wi hail been timidly think ing iilsnit matrimony for several years and who had finally goaded himself to the point of becoming engaged took his scat at his desk lu n rather thoughful mood the other morning. Flnnlly he turned to the mau at the next desk and said: "I sny, old man, cau you tell me what Is meant by the rule of three? My girl -asked me about It last night. Never beard of 1t before." "Well." said the man at the next desk, who was adorned with a frayed collar and an Incipient bald spot on his head. "If you can wait till you're married and live with your wife, her ancient maiden sister and their mother you will know tho rule of three all right." The Dean's Grace. A famous dean was once at dinner when. Just as the cloth was removed, the subject of discourse happened to be that of extraordinary mortality among lawyers. "We have lost." said a gentleman, "not fewer than six emi nent barristers In as many months." The dean, who was quite deaf, rose as his friend finished his remarks and gave the company grace. "For this and every other mercy make us truly thankful." A Living Emetic. , A servant who did not fiud her way Very promptly to tho kitchen one morn ing was visited by her mistress, who found her in bed suffering from pain and violent sickness. She explained that she had a cold and had taken some medicine which had been rec ommended for the children. "How much did "you take?" asked her mistress. "Well, mum, I went by the direc tions on the bottle. They said. 'Ten drops for an Infant, thirty drops for an adult aud a tablespoonful for an emetic.' I knew I wasn't an Infant or adult, so I thought I must be an emet ic, and the pesky stuff has pretty nigh turned me Inside out." Cheerineit. Cheerlness Is a thing to be more pro foundly grateful for than all that gen ius ever Inspired or talent ever ac complished. Next best to natural, spontoneous cheerlness Is deliberate. Intended and persistent cheerlness. which we can create, con cultivate and can so foster and cherish that after a few years the world will never suspect that It was not an hereditary gift Helen Hunt Jackson. Forestalled. "Yes, It is true," said a detective, "that we catch criminals more fre quently than we used to. It Is true, too. that, knowing the criminal's ways, we forestall him we take preventive measures that reduce crime enormous ly. "We are like." he resumed, "tho alert deacon. This deacon was passing the collection plate one Suuday morning. When he came to a certain penurious citizen he noticed that the man extend ed toward the plate not a hand with a coin displayed between finger and thumb, but a tightly closed fist. "The deacon frowned at the fist and Jerked the plate back from it. '"Give It to mo, Mr. Keene,' he whispered audibly. 'One has Just come off my vest.' " Who They Were. One of the women teachers went to the principal of a school In New York the other day. "Mr. .Mark," she said. "I think you had bettor go upstairs. A substitute " teacher Is on duty up there, ami I tun afraid she Is having a terrible time. The noise Is so terrific the children down here scarcely can study." The principal wont up the stairs two stops at o time, nnd tlio noise soon censed. .When ho returned to tho low rr room his face was grim. "Miss Hen derson." lie sold. "If you bear any more of those nolvcs lot mo know at rmcp." i "h"?ncd. I will." slie replied. "It Is niicpl.- i.utn'-tvus lint parents or gtt.'irilhns yvvu hvU'.r their childrc't up s the,- wi'l l-eh iv( tint way. Did" yiti fn ! cut '-. ( c,i ,..p 'ri'i wore?" "Yc-!. roi-p. out." the p:-iii(.l)al an I.I soowHii"! 't our nephow, and the other - of of." he replied, and the voiii;::i i ii iM-i' nlioo.-t collapsed. GEERS FLANS BIG CAMPAIGN. Silent Driver Has String of Thirty three Harness Horses. From a string of thirty-three bar ness horses uow quartered at the Bill ings track. Memphis, Toun., I2d Geers, the veteran horseman, will select his 1010 campaign material. The "silent driver" will have one of the biggest years of his career as a trainer and pilot Leff Shafor, second trainer of the string, says Geers has all sorts of promising campaigners in the stable and several good green animals. "Deniarest has shown more Improve ment than any horse I ever saw uuder Geers' direction." says Shafer. "The Harvester Is great. He's the king of trotters. Watch him In the races this year for miles lu 2:02. The old cam paigner Walter Direct, 2:0TMi. looks as If he would stand training this season and give another flash of his form that once put lilm in the honor niche as the loading pacing winner of the season. "Marie N 2.SVi. after gaining the reputatlou of being the first 2:10 trot ter of lost season, did not do as well as some of the critics expected, and these same critics would better be pre pared this year to do this more hon or. She will do better than 2:05V4 next summer or I'll be badly mistaken." SPANISH MIDDIES COMING. Dons Will Send Sonder Yachts to Race Americans Next September. Yachtsmen the country over became deeply Interested upon learning that a scries of International sonder boot races will bo held off Marblehead, Mass., next September between yachts of that type representing Spain and America. The Eastern Yacht club of Boston some time ago sent a formal Invitation to the San Sebastian Uoyal Yacht club, of which King Alfonso is tho bead, asking that three Spanish bonts be sent to this country iu 1010 to race against three American yachts for suitable trophies. An acceptance was received within a day or two, and the committee of the club will proceed at once to make arrangements for the races with a committee of the Span ish Yacht club. In 1008 the three American Bonder boats that raced at Kiel, Germany, went to San Sebastian upon invita tion of the yacht club there and were defeated in a series of contests. An informal invitation was then extended on behalf of the Eastern Yacht club to the Spanish yachtsmen to come to Marblehead for a return series. KETCH EL TO FIGHT AGAIN. Middleweight Champion to Take on Three Within Next Two Months. Evidently Stanley Ketchel, the mid dleweight champion, who has not fought since be was defeated by Jack Johnson, Intends to be a very busy pugilist within the next six months. Ketchel has agreed to take on Harry Klaus of rlttsburg in Memphis, Tenn., XKTCBKL, MIDDLEWEIGHT CHAMPION. the "--'t week In March for ten rounds. La :e will tackle Joe Thomas In rbtli.uelphla. After these two bouts Stanley will go abroad aud meet Tom Thomas, the English middleweight champion, in Londou. As Hugh Mcin tosh, the Australian promoter, has of fered the "Michigan Terror" a good sized purse to try his skill against Tommy 'Burns It Is more than likely that be will Journey Jo the antipxle Benbrook Michigan's New Captain. Albert Benbrook of Chicago, engi neer and brilliant player on the Uni versity of Michigan footbnll team last fall, has been elected captain of the 1010 eleveu to replace Joy Miller. Mil ler was elected captain In a close roco With Benbrook, but was recently bar red from the team when It was learn ed that ho had not been eligible to play during the whole of last season. Want English Archers to Come. The Notional Archery association has Invited W. Pods and Miss Legh, tho British archery champions, to como to this country next August und eutcr tho Auiericnn championship scheduled to be held lu Chicago. They may meet an American team in a dual contest If they prefer the event to opeu competition. 7 m : h m Rcxall 93 Hair Touic Rcxall Aniericauitia REMEMBER REXALL REMEDIES ARE SOLD ONLY AT THE REJMLL STORE Ilcxall 93 Shampoo WITH A POSITIVE GUARANTEE , F. G. FfflCKE ft CO., DRUGGISTS EXPERT PILL MIXERS. riatts. phone ISO. Hell phone CS. Ilcxall Cherry Juice. Let Me Tell You Something If you want to be properly dressed, you should have your clothes made to order. You can't get up-to-date styles in ready-raades, for they are made six months before the season opens. BLUE SERGE SUITS The only place in the city where you can get a good blue serge, fancy worsted, cheviot or Scotch tweed suit to order that are actually worth from $35 to $40, for only $20 FOR NOTHING All suits made by me on or before March 1st, will be cleaned an dpressed as long as they last for nothing. SPECIAL From now until March loth, I will clean, dry clean, and press clothing for 50 cents to 1 dollar. ALL WORK GUARANTEED James Sooher The Tailor. Going Out The entire stock in the Depart ment Store must be closed out quick. A good chance for pay day shoppers to save money. A PROPOSITION I will trade stock and store fix tures for a piece of Cass county land. I mean M. FANGER The Kansas City Weekly Star The most comprehensive farm paper All the -news Intelligently told Farm questions an swered by a practical farmer and experimenter Exactly what you want In market reports. One Year 25 Cents. Address THE WEEKLY STAR, Kansas City, Mo. 1 Rcxall Mucntbnc Ilcxall Orderlies. of Business business.