MASY WAS POLITE.
She Amentisd tho Message She Dallv
ered tu t!ia Doctor.
A very pompous tlo.tor id in charge
of tho female wards ti u uoted char
itable lustiiutluu lu London. One
evening about ! o'clock Mary, a new
Irish servant girl. knocked at the doer
of the doctor's ollke. Miylnjj:
"Doctor, the head nurse vauts you
to eouse down to supper."
The doctor, swelling lu Ids pride of
superiority above the nurses, scut the
Irish girl away with a curt message.
Half an Lour later the head nurse
came to his room looking very serious.
''Doctor," she said. "No. 8 Is very
bad indeed. I think you ought to see
her at once."
"Why did you net let me know be
fore?" was the reply.
"Why, UoctiT." said the uur.se. "1
seut you word by Mary half nn hour
ago:"
"The fool!" said the doctor. "She
told me to come dowu to supper!"
"Why." said the nurse, "1 sent you
word to come dowu to eight!"
An Inquiry made the whole thing
clear. Mary thought It more polite
to say "Come down to supper" thua
o say "Come down to ate."
Won His Bet.
A gentleman in Dublin. npeaLIng of
the Irish, said that nothing ever sat
Isiied them and that he was willing to
prove Ids words ou a wager that If ho
should go to the door and call a cab.
no matter what fee h: would give, the
driver would ask for more. The wager
was taken for 10. The gentleman
called a cab, drove about a quarter of
THE CABBY BETUIINCD.
a mile, stepped out and handed the
driver a I t shilling gold piece, the legal
fee being 1 shilling. Cabby drove off.
The gentleman who had takeu the
wager was exulting in his triumph
when suddenly the cabby returned and.
touching his ha't, said: 'Tlc-ase. sir.
have ye a durty thre'peuny bit about
ye? It would be such a pity to break
a bright piece of gold like this for a
drink!"
Hitch Your Wagon to a Star.
Hitch your wagon to a star. Let us
not fag In paltry works. Let us not
He and steal. No god will help. We
shall find nil their teams going the
other way. Work rather for those In
terests which the divinities honor and
promote Justice, love, freedom, knowl
edge, utility. Italph Waldo Emerson.
A Test Question In Theology.
Sls-yenr-old Walter had a Dew little
wagon, and It was very dear to his:
heart. Sunday wns a long day. and
after getting home from Sunday school
he brought his treasure around ou the
front lawn to enjoy It. But his father,
who could not have the Sabbath bro
ken In the face and eyes of passersby,
remonstrated with him. telling him to
take It around to the back yard.
"Why can't 1 play with It here,
papa?"
"Why. because It Is Sunday, fny
son!"
"But. papa. Isn't It Sunday In tho
back yard?" asked Walter In surprise.
The Wrong Laddie.
A gentleman on a walk from one of
the suburbs of Glasgow happened to
call at a farmhouse, where he was
readily supplied with a glass of' milk,
lie offered the woman sixpence, but
she declined all payment. "I couldna
tak' money for 't." sho snld In her own
proud way.
The gentleman expressed his ac
knowledgment and went on his way.
but at the garden gnte he detected n
small boy playing. Surely, he thought,
this Is the lady's son. So ho put his
hand In his pocket to give him the
sixpence wheu he heard a shrill voice.
"That's na ma laddie, sir." Then there
was a pause, and the voice nftcrwnn'
resounded, this time directed toward a
small boy nt the side door. "Gang oot.
Wullle, an' speak till .the ulce gentle
man at tie gate!"
A Name Like College Yell.
From a crowd of rah-rah college
boys celebrating a crew victory a po
liceman had managed to abstract two
prisoners.
"What Is the charge against these
young men?" asked tho magistrate be
fore whom they were arraigned.
"Dlsturhln' the pence, yer honor."
snld the policeman. "They were glvln'
their college yells In the street au'
makln' trouble generally."
"What W your name?" the Judge
nsked one of the prisoners.
"Ro-ro-bert Ro-ro-roll!ns." stuttered
the youth.
"I asked for yuur uume. sir-not tot
tvldeuoe."-EveryUudy's Ua&slue.
HE WAS INDIGNANT.
A Business Transaction That Made the
Old Man Bristle.
A general merchant In u good sized
country town was waiting upon nn
aged farmer lu his store when the old
inan pointed to a quartet of Ice cream
freezers.
"What are they?" he asked.
"Ice cream freezers," explained tin
merchant. "Want one4 They're only
$2."
"Ice cream freezers," mused the old
man. "They freeze mlik, don't they'
Will they freeze anything?"
"Sure," said the storekeeper.
"Freeze water?" asked tho old man
Interested.
"Freeze anything liquid," said the
storekeeper, laughing.
The old man paid for one of the
freezers and drove away.
Three days later he returned. Ilis
beard was bristling with indignation,
and he eyed the merchant fiercely.
"You're n robber!" he said.
The merchant gasped.
"You told me that thing would freeze
water." went on the old man Indig
nantly, "and I took It home to freeze
some water and make me some Ice.
and my nephew said you had to put
Ice In It before It would freeze any
thing. Glmine my $2."
The merchant weakly handed him
$2, and the old man strode out and
hasn't bought anything else nt the
stOi-e since.
Wanted Sympathy.
To the leader of n band In a small
city, jocularly spoken of in Its locality
as "the worst in seven different states,"
there once came n man with a request
that the band j 1 n y at a cousin's fu
neral. "Is it a military funeral?" nsked tie
leader.
"Not at all," was the reply. "My
cousin was no military man. In fact,
he was never even Interested In mat
ters military. Nevertheless it was his
express wish that your band should
play at his funeral."
The leader was surprised and nat
tered. "Is that so?" he asked.
"Yes," responded the other. "He
said he wanted everybody lu town to
be sorry that he died."
Stories of Douglas Jerrold.
On the lirst night of the represent a
tlon of one of Jerrold's pieces a suc
cessful udapter from the French ral
lied him on his nervousness. "I," said
tho adapter, "never feel nervous on
the first night of my pieces." "Ah.
my boy." Jerrold replied, "you nre al
ways certain of success. Your pieces
have all been tried before."
He was seriously disappointed with
a certain book written by one of his
friends. This friend heard that Jer
rold had expressed his disappointment
and questioned him. "I hear you sold
was the worst book I ever wrote."
"No. I didn't," came tho answer; "1
said It was the worst book anybody
ever wrote."
Of a mistaken philanthropist Jer
rold said he was "so benevolent, so
merciful n man he would have held nn
umbrella over a duck In a shower of
rain."
Resolution.
No man Is lit to win who has not
sat down alone to think and who has
not come forth with puriose In his
eye. with white cheeks, set lips and
clinched palms, able to say. "I am re
solved." I'.ulwer.
The Weeping Whale.
A captain of one of the popular At
lantic liners was regaling a little group
of ladles with sen stories.
"One trip." he said, "there wns a
woninu who bothered the officers and
mo to death about whales. Her oue
"I WAXT TO REE A VI1ALE BIX JiBEM."
desire was to see n whale. A doze
times a day she besought us to hnv
her called If a whale hovo lu sight.
"I said, rather Impatiently, to her
one afternoon:
" 'But, madam, why are you so uux
lous about this whale question?'
" 'Captain.' she auswerod. 'I want to
see a whale blubber. It must be very
Impressive to see such au enormous
creature cry. "
Not Appius Claudius.
At a pageant given In an English
town commemorating Britain nt tho
time of the Roman occupation a young
wctunn spoke to n tall, burly aud shiv
ering man whose Roman toga hardly
protected him from a raw, penetrating
east wind.
"Are you Appius Claudius?" she
tsked eagerly.
"Me. miss?" he repllud dismally.
"Mo 'sppy ns Claudius? OU, se,
I'm aa'nppy as 'nUT
The Plaiismoufli
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Short
Business rate per month $2.00
Residence rate per month $1.00
650 Telephones on the Platts
mouth Exchange.
Office Next Door to Post Office.
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The most comprehensive farm paper All the
news Intelligently told Farm questions an
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A Sensitive Soul.
A HHir foreign mtmlclau was doggedly
wrestling with his trombone outside
nn Knglisli village
inn. He knew that
"The Lost ( 'Inner
whs somewhere In
that Instrument,
imt the latter
seemed loath to
part with It. At
length tho landlord
appeared nt the
door. The poor
musician bowed
'"HIE LOST CnoltD
WAS SOMEWIIKIIE.
and. dolling his
rnp, paid, "Muslg
hath jarms," uud
mulled.
The Innkeeper
smiled also, and
kindly.
"Well, not al
ways," hit said,
"but try that tune.
"YOU VOS lilClllT,"
l.K SAIU Hl.OWt.Y.
on I Hide that red brick house and I'll
give you sixpence."
Three minutes later tho trombonist
was back again, mud bepnttcrcd and
forlorn.
"You vos right," he said slowly and
sadly. "Muslg hath Janus not always
no. A mad Yellow out ov dnt house
came, and me mlt a brlgg he knocked
down yes. He not like that tune,
no, no!" And he rubbed the back of his
head.
"I thought he wouldn't," snld the
landlord. "He's Just done a month's
hard labor for stealing a clothesline
froiu a back pardon."
Ambition.
"The narrow vale Is not for me!" .
Cried one allame with youth's fierce
tires.
"I'll climb a mountain peak and see
The world and all my heart desires!"
'Twas lonp and hard. On bended knee
lie reached the top. What mournful
cry!
He could not see
Arc dimmed his eye!
-"Heart Throbs" In National Magazine.
Particular About the Plates.
A Washlngtotilan who has lived nt
hotels and rcstnurauts nenrly all his
llfo and who is notably nbsentminded.
especially when absorbed In talking
alMJtit a subject that Interests him.
went out to dinner the other night.
lie had plunged Into a discussion be
fore dinner and wns continuing it ani
matedly throughout the dystor and
soup courses. When the fish plntes
were placed on the table ho followed
the usual custom of the man who lives
nt hotels and wiped tho plate off with
his napkin. Instantly a butler re
moved it aud placed another.
Deep in his discussion, the guest
wiped that oue with his napkin, and
the butler replaced that. This hap
pened a third time, and then the host
ess snld: "I'leaso do not do that nny
more. I assure you the plntes are per
fectly clean, and, besides, I have no
more of that pattern." Saturday Even
lug Tost.
An Ignorant Salesman.
An uncouth looking and overdressed
young mail entered a drug store and
f-nld:
"Gimme a brush!"
"Very goi d. sir," said the polite as
sistant. "What kind of a brush a
toothbrush?"
"Toothbrush! Xaw!" snarled the
young man. "What would I want a
toothbrush fur? Do ye think I've got
hnlr on my teeth?"
A Very Common Crime.
A certain Judge who had got Into
the way of using a regular form of ex
pression when imposing sentetices.
snys Arthur Train in "The Trlsonor nt
tho liar," wns sentencing a ninn for
the crime of stealing a ship's anchor,
which he had carried awny lu a dray
drawn by six horses.
The Judge, who could not escape
from his regular formula, pronounced
sentence In these terms: "You hnve
pleaded guilty to the crime of stealing
a ship's anchor." Then, raising his
voice, he co!:'.!nued with perfect so
lemnlty: "The crime of stealing a ship's
anchor Is Incoming entirely too preva
lent. I sentence you to three ; .nrs
and a half lu prison."
Don't Stay .own.
And If you fall, why, rise again.
Ret up nnd go on. You may be sorely
bruised and soiled with your fall, but
Is that nny reason for lying still and
giving up the struggle cowardly?
Charles Klngsley.
Unprotected.
A little girl wns greatly Interested
In watching the men In her grandfath
er's orchard putting bands of tnr
around the fruit trees and nsked a
treat mnny questions. Some weeks
later, when In the city with her moth
er, she noticed a gentleman with a
mourning band around his left sleeve.
"Mamma." she liked, "w hut's to
keep them fro on erawHitf ap hJn other
m7"-KTrjre4K'i MmMm.
Tili
A FEAST THAT FAILED.
The 8tory of a Raccoon That
Wsi
Not Served For Breakfast.
In the old days, and not so very
old cither, tho custom of school
teachers "hoarding around" was tho
usual thing in country districts. Al
though n custom which teachers sel
dom liked, it is doubtful if many of
them had as hard a time ns a young
schoolmaster who described his ex
perience in tho New England Gal
axy for 1817. The article wns writ
ten by Leonard Apthorp, then nn
undergraduate of fiowdoin college.
The young schoolmaster wns to re
ceive $15 a month und his board:
From tho first day I perceived
that I wns nt board on speculation
and nt tho mercy of a close calcula
tion, he writes. Ono day the whole
dinner consisted of a single dum
pling, which they cnlled a pudding,
and live sausages, which in cooking
shrunk to tho Fi.c of pipestcms.
There were five of ns nt tho table.
A few days afterward on my re
turn from school my eyes were de
lighted by the sight of an animal I
hod never seen before. It was a
raccoon, which tho young man, Jon
athan, had killed and brought homo
in triumph. When skinned he seem
ed to be ono entire mass of fat and
of a most delicate whiteness. I was
overjoyed and went to bed earty to
dream of delicious steaks which tho
morrow Mould hring.
Long before daylight I heard tho
family stirring, and the alacrity of
quick footsteps and tho repeated
opening nnd shutting of doors all
gave assurance of tho coming holi
day. I was soon ready for breakfast,
and when seated at the table I ob
served that tho placo of Jonathan
was vacant.
"Where is Jonathan?" I asked.
"flonc to market," said they.
"Market! What market, pray ? I
did not know there was any market
in these parts."
"Oh, yes," they said, "ho is gone
to about thirty miles to tho
southward of us."
"And what has called him up so
early to go to market ?"
"lie is gone," said they, "to sell
his raccoon."
"The Man of Destiny."
A very interesting pen picture of
Napoleon is drawn by John Cam
Ilobhonsc,' afterward Lord Brough-
ton, in his "Recollections of a Long
Life." lie writes:
"I had for some time a most com
plete opportunity of contemplating
this extraordinary being. His ,face
is of a deadly pale, his jaws over
hanging, but not so much as I had
heard. His hair is short, of a dark,
dusky brown, lie generally stood
with his hands knit behind him or
folded before him and three or four
times took snuff out of a plain
brown box. Once bo looked at his
watch, which, by tho way, had a
gold face and, I think, a brown hair
chain, like an -English one. His
teeth seemed regular, but not clean.
Ie very seldom spoke, but when he
dd smiled in some sort agreeably.
Ho looked about him, not knitting
b'.it joining his eyebrows. As the
front of each regiment passed he
put up the lirst linger of his left
hand quickly to his hat to salute,
but did not move his head or hat.
He had an air of scdute impa
tience." Sail Bearing Fishes.
Various marine animals possess
organs which, raised above the sur
face, act ns sails, by means of which
they are propelled along tho water.
Among these may bo mentioned tha
Portuguese mun-of-wnr and tho pa
per nautilus. Certain fishes, it ap
pears, use the same method of pro
gression, the dorsal fin acting as a
sail. Urousonnet called such fishes
Toksons voiliers. And the scientific
name histiophorus (sail bearer), giv
en to a genus of fish, implies a sim
ilar belief. In a contribution to tho
zoological Jahrbuch Imis Dollo
claims that other genera are also
sad bearers. He svfgests also that
among the cetaceans the grampus
and bottle nosed whale may make
a similar use of the dorsal fin.
Too Big a Job. 1
While studying her Sabbath-'
school lesson nine-year-old Eliza
beth was much piuzled by the state
ment that Solomon "repaired the
breaches of the cily of David, his
father." This was to her mind a
remarkable statement, and quiie in
comprehensible. After ponderi:v;
it deeply sho aslced one of the older
members of the family for an ex
planation, saying that she did not
think any man could "mend the
breeches of a whole city." Lippin
cott'a The Life Giving Touch of Sympathy.
A man may have become almost a
demon, he may have resolved upon inv
mortnl bate and study of revenge, but
let him once feel tf;r life giving touch
of sympathy an 1 love, and the seed,
long dormant, will spring up and bclag
forth Its hat-rest in the fle)4 rf life
J. C tellers, Jr.
