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About The news-herald. (Plattsmouth, Neb.) 1909-1911 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 27, 1909)
NO ESCAPE. Once a very nervous clutp To cross tin- Mreit iliil try; An auto luuuli'il him a tup AnJ dent him to llio sky. And itp lit foil lil (li'Hiviml ugaln Il' Kt ii n awful VNli.uk: Brim Imily's wliiizlnit arrnplane JuKt tupped lit lit on tin- liack. Hi- Klmt iluwn to tl' l.i lie brlow, ill' trii-il to knp nil. ml; Alas, hr fell a victim to A putting motor boat. Just a Reminder. The young man who graduated some weekB ago liad secured a position in the great buslnesit eini.orium and was there to tell them how to run the business. "You seem to know a great deal, young man," said the senior part ner. "Do I?" boasted the recent gradu ate, his chest swelling with pride. "Ah, sir, soma day I expect to wake up and find myself famous." The senor member silently opened a d rower In his desk and took out a package. "Here you are, young man. Take this home with you with my compli t ments." "What is that?" "An ularm clock. It will help you to wake up." Down the Old Road. The fireflies twinkled in the tall grasses like myriads of tiny stars. "You, John Luther Elderberry!" gig gled the pretty girl in the pink sun bonnet. "I am surprised!" "Surprised at what, Cynthia?" drawled the lanky youth at her Bide. "Why, at you, standing there and kissing a lone, defenseless girl that way." "Oh, don't worry about that, Cyn thia. Here la another way." And the moon man came out from behind a cloud and grinned until It seemed his face would crack. Hit Own Clatt. "What kind of a regiment does the little Russian czarevitch belong to?" "Guess It la one of the Infantry corps." ACCOMMODATING. J.. The Hobo Madam, could I g-Jt a I cold bite here? ! The Iady A cold bite? Why, cer tainly. I'll let Hruno eat some Ice be. fore he grabs you. Solar Flirtation. One night the stHru bi-KHii to ppoon, I Anil Mercury flirted with the moon; Katui ii klugeil Venun, to 'tis Kulil, I And that Is why old Murs turned red. i Bold. "Heat It, man, while your boots are good." snapped the slangy housewife an she reached for the watering pot. "Kxciue me, mum," said Hold Hen, tipping his crowuless straw hat. "Dey ain't good at all. Dat's why I though; maybe you'd give me a new pair." In the Feud Zone. "May I ask you a question?" "Sure, stranger." "Why is everybody in this section mixed up in a feud?" "Well nobuddy keers to take chances on bein an innocent by stander." Quite Perceptible. Actor (pompously I If you engage me, sir, you get an artist. All my family who were on the stage had a great deal of finish about their work Manager (significantly) I don t doubt It. I chu see yours now. Another Knock, "Speaking about the poverty of ! poets " "A topic often discussed." "The chief characteristic of poets nowadays Is the poverty of theli minds." Her Composition. "How could he have married that termagant wife of his? I don't set what she was made of!" "That Is the answer. She was maid of money." Dropping Bolts. "Every notable Invention alters our language." "That's right. Holts from the blue may get to be common when airship j came in." ! A Delicate Insinuation. "So, madam, w ill you tell the court i why you prefer your dog to your turn j band?" ! "Ilecause my dog only growls ec. j caslonally." ! Gets Hit Wish. The man who says he would t contented with little generally has It Straw L'eed tor r.;atcr.53. The straw of various grasses and cereals has bien trkd ami found suit able for wood In making Matches. The straw la cut into two-inch lengths by machinery, winnowed to obtain uni form size, r.r.d then boiled in para ff no, dried and dipped into the mixture of ! chlorate of j-otrtsh, sum arable, etc. for the inflammable tip. The process should, if adopted on a large scale, obviate Un use of wood and also give an improved mutch, with the advan- j tages of a wzx vesta, at a very Email ; cost. Tip to Local Bachelors. Coming down to th" office at an 1 early hour the other morning the He view man noticed one of our iiio:-t 1 popular and highly educated young la- dies busily engaged in carrying in and stacklr.g the winter supply o i wood. And she didn't teem to mind i a bit who stepped and rubbered at the , unusual sight. The chap who ret" that glil to trot with him a'.ons !!Vs stormy pathway will to in l'a :.;ck. Jeffenon (Ore.) llovlew. Idleness Is cn Atrophy. The prosperity of a people ta pro portionate to the r.umbfcr of hands and minds usefully employed. Tj the community, sedition is a fev r, cc: ruptlon Is a pangrene nnd iii'n;u?s is an atrophy. Whatever holy or Kiel ety wastes more than it aec.ulres mut t gradually dec ay, and ev::y beln:; that continues to be fed cr.d ceaves to labor takes away something :.'.a tlie public stock. Dr. Johnson. Real Ceep Sea Fish. In the beginning of the last century halibut emigrated to deeper and deep er water, until they are now caught In depths of 150 to "50 fathoms, In deep sea valleys. Halibut capture cod by stunning them with strokes of the tail. The roe of a SCO-pound halibut weighing 44 pounds, was over two feet long and contained more than 2,000, 000 eggs, says Prof. David Starr Jor dan. Providential Escape. The old lady had had a severe Ill ness, and she was relating Its vicissi tudes to a friend or two in the grocer's shop when the minister came la. "It's only by the Lord's mercy," she piously declared, "that I'm not In heaven to night." Manchester Guard Ian. Her Grievance. ' "Never mind," said Socrates, "you may disapprove of me, but posterity will lend an attentive ear to my teach ings." "That's what exasperates me!" replied Xantippe. "To think a man would go to such lengths in order to have the last word!" Washington Star. PrayfcflnLckiy. .Answered,. I ' "That the fisherman's net might be ' filled to overflowing" was the prayer of an Edinburgh minister In an Eye- 1 , lUU.... v.. ...... v.. j . ; lowing night such quantities, of fish j " were caught that a boat load had to I be thrown overboard. j . Qualities to Cultivate. Thoughtfulness for others, gener osity, modesty, and self-respect are the qualities which make a real gen tleman or lady, as distinguished from the veneered article which common ly goes by the name. Thomas Hux ley. Fixing Her Status. In a police court in New York the other day a magistrate asked a wom an, a witness: "Are you a friend of the prisoner?" "No, I'm his mother-in-law," replied the woman, without any particular show of feeling. Disguise. Were we to take as much trouble In being what we ought to be as we take In disguising what we really are, we might appear like ourselves, with out being at the trouble of any dis guise at all. La Rochefoucauld. Experience. Not a blade of grass but has a story to tell, not a heart but has Its romance, not a life which does not hide a secret which Is either its thorn or its spur Henrl-Fredrlc Aw lei. J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&J&AI&M. AA. V T T ? t T ? ? t t t f T ? ? ? ? t Millinery We now have our Fall Millinery Stock in and will hold our opening on i Friday and Saturday, October 1 and 2. The public is cordially invited to call and inspect same. We do all our own trimming and consequently can serve you the year round. MRS Piles A to last a LIFE-TIME, ('examination prbk. W WRITE FOR BOOK ON PILES AND RECTAL DISEASES WITH TESTIMONIALS p DR. C R. TARRY. 224 Bn Building. Omaha. Nebraska TUB MANY USES OF l'Al'ISR In the home cannot be estimated. It can be used to beautify the otherwise ugly pantry thelves, to put under the carpets, in fact it can be used all over the house and is a cheap means of sanitation. We have a limited number of old papers which we will sell for Cc per bunch. The News-Herald. -- - Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y .a. J. E. BARWICGt DOVEY BLOCK REAL ESTATE. Town residence from $4.r0 to $.1,000. Don't Eay rent any longer. You can own your own dwelling cheaper, et roe show you some pood chances to acquire farm9 in Ne braska, South and North Dakota, Missouri or Texas. FIRE INSURANCE written in six of the best companies. SURETY BONDS. (Jet your bonds from the American Surety Co. ACCIDENT INSURANCE. The risk of personal injury is 40 times as great as that of losing your property by fire. Secure a policy of the London Gurantee and Accident Company and be sure of an income white you are onable to work. INDEPENDENT PHONE 454. I Attention Farmers Horses, Cattle, Sheep and Hog Salvet or medi cated Salt is the best remedy for all kinds of stock to make them tat well and aid digestion and also a blood builder. If not satisfied with re sults money refunded. Sold at the feed store of I Cf.PMRPPf.CP A I If ... I . I 1111 IB J l II K ? I A 1 PLATTSMOUTH, The Old Buggy... made new for a few cents and a little labor. With The Sherwin-Williams Buggy Paint you can paint and varnish at the same operation. You will be surprised how easy it is to renew vehicles. Let us show you color cards. SOLD BY F.C. FC3ICKE EXPERT PILL MIXERS. - Rexall Store. J&A. AA. AA. J&A. AA-Ai. Afc. AA. . JULIA DWY Plattsmouth, Nebraska. Opposite Postoffice FISTULA Pay When CURED All K octal Diseases cured without a surgica If Deration. No Chloroform. Ether or other pen- wi eral aneasthetic used. CUKK GUARANTEED - - - w Y Y Y Y Y Y Y V Y Y v ? Y t and' Stock Raisers! I NEBRASKA. AA. AA. AAAfc. M. AA. AAAA. Openin She Had Had Encui. At the I'nitarlau chiirii In never ly, a sweet little nil-s was at the serv ice with her mother recently. The lll- I'.e one didn't seem to comprehend the M'rmou a little bit, although the pas tor was h.T grandfather, and after a rest It kb halt hour t-ho turned to her i mamma and said la r.n audible wills ! per: "Why don't gran.lpa stop talk ing?" Hoslon Journal. A Day's Work. One woman's work was done when Mrs. Grace Smith of Heverly, W. Va., dropped deud after sitting up all night with a sick child, doing the washing for tWree families, picking five gal lons of berries aud walking to town to buy sugar to preserve them. Noth ing is said as to what she did be tween times to keep from being Idle. Pittsburg Press. Professor Got Results. ' It Is said a noted professor of chein i Istry, who is always experimenting, thought his three attractive children ! too lethargic, and so he administered I a diet of yeast. The result has been prompt and effective. According to neighboring observations, the profes sor will have to prescribe sedative next time. Not Qualified for the Job. Father (Impressively ) "My son, I want you to he very attentive to your new teacher, who Is a man of wide and general information. He can teach you everything you need to know." Small Hoy (derisively) "He? He don't know nothin'! Why, he can't even tell who's pltchln' In the league teams." Singular and Plural. Whenever she gets to thinking how much they're In debt It affects her nerves." "Hub! the way It affects her husband Is singular." "How sin gular?" "Just singular, It affects his 'nerve.' He tried to borrow a hundred from me to-day." Catholic Standurd and Times. Catching Pigs with Baryta. An old practice of gypsies was to poison pigs and then eat the flesh when thrown away by the farmers. This poison was carbonate of baryta, and was safe, provided all parts that were near the entrails were carefully washed and soaked. Qypslea call it "diab." The Little Cuss. A llama looks as Innocent as an officer man In the Salvation army He chews no tobacco, but he can spit into a man's eye 12 feet away and never touch an eyelash, and oh, how It stinks and stings. Little boy, don't tease the llama. New York Press. The Way to Happiness. To look fearlessly upon lifer to ac cept the laws of nature, not with meek resignation, hut as her sons, who dare to search and question; to have peace and confidence within our souls these are the beliefs that make foi happiness. Materlinck. Be Carefull The woman of the house where you're Invited to dinner may insist that she has nothing In the house "fit to eat," but we wouldn't advise you to criticise the heaviness of her bread or the sogglness of her cake. Los An geles Express. Disadvantage. "Don't you realize that you are financially handicapped by had roads?" "Of course we realize It," answered Farmer Corntossel. "No antomobillst dares travel fast enough to give us an excuse for collectln' a fine." Literal. "What shall I write about?" acked the lazy reporter of the busy editor "Right about face!" snapped the edl tor. And, taking him at his word the reporter wrote an article on the care of the complexion. Unfortunate Emulation. A North Carollnan recently eloped with three women on the same train And it seems that events will persist In showing that Solomon lived foi nothing. Salt Lake Tribune. AA. AA. A. A. A. ? ? t ? t t t ? ? ? ? ? A WAITING GAME. An old gentleman, rather P'Htly, and clad in a somewhat yi.uihful suit of light gray flannl. sat on a ben"h in the park enjoylni; the sprlnr; day. "What's the matter, sonny?" ha asked a small urchin who lay on the grass just neross the walk and stan-rt Intently at Mm. "Why don't ytru go and play?" "Don't want ter," the boy replied, carelessly. "Hut It Is not natural," the old gen tleman Insisted, "for a boy to be so) quiet. Why don't you run about?" "Oh, I'm Just wait In'," the little fel low answered. "I'm Just waltin' till you get up. A man painted that bench about 15 minutes ago." Sketchy Hits. UNLUCKY THIRTEEN. Grace There goes Mrs. Wrinkles. She has been married and divorced twelve times. Helen Indeed! I wonder If sh will marry again. Grace I hardly think so. She is superstitious. Good Judgment. ThiiHv (nll tliat hn would wrltA a book Wlion lii vnn out of ilurauce vlln, And douhtlfKR Hull's what cuused the JllilW To Rfnd lilin back thrre for a wlitlo. Lucky Jumbo, "Life with you must be monot onous," remarked the monkey, as he swung by bis tall In the park too. "Why so, my friend?" queried the lazy Jumbo. "Well, all you have to do In to sit here all day and be stuffed with peanuts." The elephant smiled an elephantine smile, "That may be, my friend; but I'd rather be here being stu'.Veil with peanuts than over In Afrlc being stuffed for a inum'Uiu exhi'iit." .Which showB thnt even an ele phant knows a good thing when h sees It. Suspected a Rival. "And you broke your engagement with the learned Hoston man?" inter rogated the pretty girl. "Yes, Indeed," responded her chum, with a pout, "he has too much brass about him for mo." "Brass?" "I should say ho. Why, do you know, we had not been engaged two weeks before he came around with n vol ume of poetry under his arm and said: 'I love Virgil.' lil just bet be had some other girl named Virgil giv ing him books of poetry when I'm not around." PRECAUTION. "Why do yon always go out on the balcony when I beln to sing, Johnf Can't you bear to listen to me?" "It Isn't that, but I don't want the neighbors to think I'm n wifc-beater.' History of a High Finnrrijr. He tollt-J for w'ltli Ivitli nly! ' ..::! d.iy; A chance to Kln ho nov'r missed. .At IhM Ih (mil 'noiii;h to pay Tlio cot of a norvo Hpcclallst. At Defined. Little Edna . (reading) Say, rr.nm nia, what Is a lack of artist''' ta'.te? Mamma It Is the feeling, my dear, that prompts a baldhiaded mm wit!i red whiskers to wear a black wig. Did She Get a SpanMng7 "How gracious your mother is to you, little girl." "That's because you're here, mam." At the Exhibition. He Tli,ere seems to be f':wcr lights here than there wore. Inst year. She Oh, yes; they've Improved tb place a lot lately. Ont Point of View. "Is thiB war of Spain with Morocco what they call a 'holy war?' " "Well, the Spanish people seem to think It Is a wholly unnecessary ot,