A. A. A.
READY TO FIGHT.
The big man with the (lory look on
his dice had b en struggling with tlio
ear window for 20 minutes. Suddenly
it came down on him uud helJ hliu
a prisoner. With much (liming and
wriggling he finally released himself.
"Confound that blasU-d window!"
he thundered, almost exploding with
rage. "1 feel like I could chew It up
in bits, glass and all."
It was then that the humorous llttlo
man in the next seat touched him on
the arm.
"My friend," he said, with a merry
twinkle in his eyes, "rfon't be so an
Kry with the window. Why, that win
dow likes you. In fact, it is really
affectionate."
"What! Are you Joshing me? The
window affectionate?"
"Certainly, sir. Didn't It fall on your
neck?"
And then the humorous littlu man
vanished toward the smoker.
IT DIDN'T GO.
Percy Did you bet on the baseball
game, Harold?
Harold Why, I was going to, but
when I offered to bet a husky fellow
two ice cream sodas to a box of cara
mels he Just gave me a rude stare.
Hit Finish.
When lie suited: "Is thin hot enough
for you?"
lie was in a happy trim.
Hnt If he went wher they pent him to,
"fwould be fur too hot for lilm.
Roasted.
one young Turk,
Abdul Hamid's
Abdul the
"I wonder," said
"why they Bpared
..lite."
...... , .1 .. 1 1
necause, unswereu uir uuier, u
is forbidden to speak ill of the de
parted, and in his case we couldn't af
ford any such obligation."
Imperfect Equipment.
"I wonder if hunters had any kind
of equipment in Xlmrod's day!"
mused the sallow student.
"Of course not," said the up-to-date
youth. "They hadn't Invented cam
eras and press agents in those
days."
Only Too Glad.
Mrs. Hutton We are organizing a
friano club, Mr. Flatleigh. Will you
join us?
Mr. Klatleieh With pleasure. Mrs.
Hutton. What pianist do you propose
to club first?
Hi Profession.
"Dickinson is a good sailor. Do you
know that he can extract enjoyment
twin the very teeth of a gale?"
"Out. then, you know, he's a
dentist."
"GOOD, KIND DOCTOR."
PUZZLED.
Oh. l'fe, lif.-, Ilf.-.
Your iluyn f Kun n:i1 rain,
Sn iincetly tili'mllnt; Miilli'g uud teurs
Ami li.ii4ni us anil pain.
Smiii-tlim s It Hi't-iMij V" ouK'ht to laugh,
Just when want to cry
And nmnt'fliiK when we IiuikIi the moBt
We ttup to hi'uve u rlRh.
Oh, lif.-. llf.', life.
8' i.:ra:mely bttler-swret.
your victories the few may win.
Your heiirtnehe unit defeat.
Sn much Ih K'kkI, bo much h' had,
We fi ml It hard to say,
If you'i-H a weary round of cure,
Or Just a holiday.
Nothing New.
"Here is where some college
fessor believes that vegetables
see and hear while growing in
pro
can the
remarked the scientific.
garden,'
boarder.
"That bo?" commented the laconic
comedian boarder, as he speared a
baked apple.
"Sure tiling! Not only that, he be
lieves that In ages hence they may
be able to converse with one an
other." "Oh. that's old."
"What's old?"
"Vegetables conversing. I've often
heard 'Jack and the ltoaus-ta!!:.' "
Indefinite.
"I think the statement of the press
agent of those performing aviators
would bear a little more detail as to
why their last ascent was unsuc
cessful." "Why eo?"
"When asked about the failure he
merely said the aeronauts had a fall
ing out."
Faith.
"Pa, what Is sublime faith?"
"When a man who weighs 250
pounds sits down beside a lady whose
weight is 235 pounds and the ham
mock In which they are seated is held
up by a rope a quarter of an inch
thick, it seems to me that they give
an exhibition of sublime faith that
would hardly need an explanation."
Feminine Wisdom.
Said He There are a few things
that a woman doesn't know about her
self. Said She Yes, and those are the
very things her dearest "friend"
takes pleasure In telling her.
JUNGLE DISCIPLINE.
! Mr, Jones Her husband Is dead.
Miss Brown Well, I'm not aur
Brined to Lear It His doctor told me
he thought he could straighten him
out.
STRATEGY.
The peddler paused at the door of
the wayiide cottage.
"Lady," he said, tipping his hat.
"could I sell you a self-revolving roll
ing pin?"
"No!" snapped the ar.fj.iiar we:iian
In the blue sunbonnot, "1 wouldn't
take It if you gave it to i.ie."
"How about an educated rat trap?"
"Don't want it at any price."
"Well, I guiss I'd better be guin',
ma'am."
"Hold on n minute. What ih that
you have i:i the package?"
"Why, that's the Uem celebrated
wrinkle remover."
"Huh! Wonder you didn't ask me
to buy that?"
' Oh, no, ma'am. 1 know a lady
with, such an exquisite complexion as
you have would never ucod a wrin
kle remover."
"Tocher-! You men lire awful. I
guess I'll buy that wrinkle remover
as a souvenir of a perfect gentleman,
and let's see you might give ine the
rat trap and the rolling pin, too."
OLD MAN WILLING.
"I asked your father's consent by
telephone."
"What did he say?"
"He said. "I don't know
are, but it's all right.' "
who you
His Bug.
Some one with knuwItilK" that's so vital
It striken iim us nlmoxt uncanny
Says the Wrights are from Iowa;
But Wells will mutter; "liidlanny!"
-Ah,
Mother Ostrich Children, my curl
ing iron is missing. Confess now!
Which one of you swallowed it?
Misunderstanding.
Thf horseman told the furmer,
"Grass to my steed, I pray."
Hut yelled: "No, no"' when th farmer
Who waa deaf, kept asking: "Hey?"
As She Interpreted It.
The young woman was entertaining
a gentleman caller in the parlor. Her
little brother was also present.
"Sis," he queried, looking up from
his book, "what is the 'rule of three?'
"Three is a crowd, dear," replied his
sister. "Now run along and play."
Future Invitations.
Cogger Howdy, old man? When
you are down my way In your auto
mobile drop In some time.
Hardwood Oh, 1 travel in an aero
plane these days.
Cogger That so? Well, drop out i
sometime.
Still with Us.
Mrs. Slubbs (reminlscently)
for the good old days, John!
Mr. Stubbs What old days, Maria?
Mrs. Stubb Why, the days of our
grandparents, when there were so
many brass knockers.
Mr. Stubhs H'm! Maria, there are
plenty of knockers around now and
all of them seem to have an abun
dance of brass.
Heard on the Ocean Waves.
It was one of those modern ocean
giants equipped with elevators and
eight decks.
"Going up!" called" the elevator boy
as be started to close the door of the
cage.
"No," responded the pale man with
a wan smile. "Coming up." And then
be moved over toward the rail.
Appropriate Melody.
"What is that woman trying
sing?"
"Rocked in the Cradle of
Deep.' "
"Humph! That accounts for
squalls."
to
the
the
SOMETHING WRONG.
His Excuse.
Kind Lady Hut, my poor man, why
do you like to scrap so much?
The Tramp 1 can't help It, mum.
You see, I was born in Philadelphia
and raised on dat town's famous dish
of scrapple.
Another Version.
Woodman, hew that tree,
Expunge It from th scene :
In youth my jnlsery .
Came from Its apple green.
An Over-Rating.
"Over and above the merits of the
cose. I can't see how they could have
Dtrustd Keddy with such a mission."
"Why not?"
"Because he Is too overbearing for
any undertaking."
The Ideal
"1.. see where a St. Louis woman
wants a divorce from her husband be
canse he wouldn't let her sit In his
lap."
"Foolish woman! Does she think
she married a Morris chair?"
One on Father.
"Mother, tell me a fairy story."
"Go to your father," was the reply,
In slightly acid tones. "Your father
is the Hans Christian Andersen ot
this household."
Limitations.
"This Is a preserved lake. They
limit you to 20 fish In this lake."
"Sounds good to me."
"Hut, mind you, they don't guaran
' lee the 20 fish."
y Mean Thing.
IH) my pnoiograpns rcscmnic me
cicely?"
"Yes. they do. I suppose you will
try another photographer?"
Not the Road to Ruin.
"Where are you going?"
"To the bow-wows."
"You must be joking."
"Not at all. I'm just going
to a dog show."
down
At the Show.
"That saving of the child by the
dog, and the mother's delight, is a
very touching sight."
"Of course; these are all moving
pictures."
Ella Isn't Normal.
" see where Kiln Wheeler Wilcox
In discussing 'The Normal Woman.
"What does she know about the nor
mal womnn?"
Hunting Scene.
"HaU a queer dream last night."
"What was It about?"
"I dreamed a bologna sausage
chasing n Welsh rabbit."
was
A Quick Spender.
"Say, that money's tainted."
"I won't keep It long enough to be
come Infected." . . ....
li'aat Column
FOR SALE.
FOK SALE A pood team of work
horse?, harness and wagon for $12."if
taktn at once. Inquire at this ollii-e.
FOR SALE-Two story brick house 7
rooms, good well and cistern with
12 lots situated in t-outh part of
city. All kinds of fruit, flood barn
and out buildings. Et. quire of John
J, Toman. IW-
WANTED.
WANTED YounK men and women to
fill positions paying $i00 to $2000 per
annum. Uig demand for stenograph
ers in the Government service, as
well as in private business life. Our
new method of teaching shorthand
by mail insures as thorough and
practical a training at your own home
as is obtainable by personal attend
ance at any business college in the
country. We guarantee success.
Complete course for small cash pay
ment; balance to be paid when you
secure a position. Trial lesson free.
Central Business Institute, Central
Building, Washington, D. C.
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Ring Contest Closing Sale
TEN BIG BARGAIN DAYS
SEPT. 20TH TO SEPT. 30TH
A cash reuUtT check with "each purchase cash fie rep
resents one vote iii our Kig Diamond King Contest, which
clones September ll'fh.
('all and see the big bargains in everything we handle,
delicious Orangeade ferved free to ladies each day of sale
from 2 to 3 p. m.
lou get the benefit of extra low prirei your favorite.
contestant gets the benefit
testa nts at the store.
of your votes, List of con-
NEMETZ & CO.
Candymakers.
Next to P. O.
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BOYS! GIRLS! COLUMBIA BICY
CLE FREE! Greatest offer out.
Get your friends to subscribe to our
magazine and we will make you a
present of a $40.00 Columbia Bicycle
the best made. Ask for particulars,
free outfit, and circular telling "How
to Start." Address, "The Bicycle
Man," 20-31 East 22nd Street, New
York City, N. Y. 46-3-x
LAND AGENT WANTED-For a
special one day sale of irrigated land
in the Rocky Ford District. Large
commission all paid in cash on con
summation of sales. Write at once
for particulars of extraordinary
offer. La Junta Land Co., La Junta,
Colo. 43-6
WANTED-Success Magazine wants
an energetic and responsible man or
woman in Plattsmouth to collect for
renewals and solicit new subscriptions
during full or spare time. Expei i-
ence unnecessary. Any one can start
among friends and acquaintances and
build up a paying and permanent busi
ness without capital. Complete outfit
and instructions FREE. Address,
"VON," Success Magazine, Rocm
103, Success Magazine Building, New
York City, N. Y. 4S-3-x
Low Rates for Autumn
To the Northwcst:-Cheap one-way Colonist fares to the North
west, Piifret Sound and California, September 15th to October 15th;
daily through trains to the Northwest via the Great Northern, also
via the Northern Pacific. To California, daily through tourist
sleepers via Denver, Scenic Colorado and Salt Lake City.
Round Trip to Pacific Coast: Very low Seattle and California
round trip excursion tickets on sale during September. This, is the
last chance to obtain these cheap rates for the greatest railroad
journey in the World.
Eastbound: Special round trip rates to Chicago, Kansas City,
Lincoln, Omaha, St. Joseph, St. Louis, August 28th to September
5th and from September 11th to September 19th. Daily low thirty
day round trip rates from Chicago to Atlantic cities and resorts.
September Is the last month for the special vacation rates to
Colorado. Homeseekers' excursions September 7th and 21st
Consult nearest ticket agent; he has latest advice of special
rates.
W. L. PICKETT.Ticket Agent, Plattsmouth, Neb..
L. W. Wakely, G. P. A.,' Omaha.
liiifipi
lite
' l mm
How's Your Time
Smoke an
ACORN
And be Happy
Attention is called to the advertise
ment in this issue of Miss Myers, the
milliner. The new fall goods are now
on display and she invites your in
spection.
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Our business is to make correct, time.
You can always depend upon having ab
solutely the correct time if you carry one
of our watches. We have an exceptionally
large stock and you are pretty sure to find
exactly what you are looking for-and
don't forget everything leaving our store
is absolutely guaranteed.
$1 Ingersols, Elgin and Waltham
watches.dust proof cases, $5.25 up Ladies'
Elgin and Waltham watches, gold filled
cases guaranteed for twenty years, $12.50
and up.
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John W. Crabill f
Red Tag Reduction Sale
. '.'She always treats her servanta
her equals."
"And don't they resent It?"
as
Woman'a Curiosity.
'Come, fly wltli me,' lie whlKptrfd low;
"H mine, min while life endures!"
'But first." ltr said, "I want to know
What makr of aeroplane Is yours?"
Heard at tht Minstrel Show.
Tambo Can yo' all tell me.de dif
ference 'iwixt egg an' a cabbage, Mia
tan Bones?
Hones Ah shore can, Mistah Tam
bo, Ah ain't done bin on de stage 14
yeahs for uotbln'.
Wherein They Differ.
Jack Widows are wiser than maids
In one respect, at least.
Tow What's the answer?
Jack They never let a good chance
eo by, thinking that a better one will
come their way.
What He Mlsced.
Miss Feaehley Do you believe in
coeducation, Mr. Hupglns?
Mr. Hupfins Indeed 1 do. I shall
never forgive myself for neglecting to
take a postgraduate course at Vassar.
A Fellow Feeling.
"If you only knew how nervous I
was whin I proposed to you!"
"And 11 you only knew bow nerv
ous I wan tU yon imposed to me!"
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Our reduction sale has been a drawing card ever since we started it, the first
of September. And now that heating stove season is on it certainly will pay you
to call and look over our line of heaters. Every one has a red tag and above the
tag but the price that's on the tag will interest you most. Following are a few
prices.
The well-known Hound Oak 14 inch fire pot ; $JjaQQ
The Radiant soft coal burner formerly $17.00 C flfl
now VlWaUU
The Radiant home "base burner No. 5 $ 3 7 5 0
The Radiant home base burner No. 6 $41.50
The Radiant home base burner No. 7 $45i50
at
We have a great variety of stoues and at various prices. Every one at a bar
gain. The object of sale is to clear out all stoves and to get in cash. It is the
cash we need and for that reason we make these big reduction. Cut prices are
for cash only.
ASEMISSEN S KLINGL
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