THE EXTREME OF ECONOMY.
A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE:
PREDE3TINED TO THE BAR.
Illustrated by Thrifty Philadelphia
Pair and Their Eye-Glasses.
A worthy tradesman of this city
was discussing optics with a customer
the other day, apropos of the hitter's
appearance, with his first eye-glasses.
"I've been wearing this pair of spec
tacles for nearly twenty years now,"
remarked the tradesman, "and my
wife a pair just like them for the same
time, and now wo couldn't either of
us nee without them, and we never
had anything the matter with our eyes
in the first place."
"What did yon login to wear them
for, then?" inquired the customer.
"Why, you nee," explained the other,
in a matter-of-fact manuer, "when my
hrotherln-law died he left the two
pair of spectacles, and we couldn't
Hell them for anything like what they
were worth." Harper's Weekly.
FREEDOM.
Son Say, dad; when is the free
dom of the city given to a man?
Patur When his wlfa goes to the
country for the Bummer.
HUMOR BURNED AND ITCHED.
Eczema on Hand, Arms, Legs and
Face It Was Something Terrible.
With the World9 j
Great Humorists
Selections from the Writings of the "Best Kjnotvn
MaKcrs of Mirth.
Addison Spriggs, Ventilator
Complete Cure by Cuticura.
"About fifteen or elghteea years
ago eczema developed on top of my
hand. It burned and itched so anion
that I was compelled to show it to a
doctor. He pronounced it ringworm
After trying his different remedies the
disease. Increased and went up my
arms and to my !egs and finally on my
face. The burning was something
terrible. I went to unother doctor who
had the reputation of being the best
in town. He told nio it was eczema,
His medicine checked the advance of
the disease, but no further. I finally
concluded to try the Cuticura Reme
dies and found relief in the first trial.
I continued until I was completely
cured from the disease, and I have
not been troubled since. C. Burkhart,
236 W. Market St.. Chaiubersburg. Pa.,
Sept. 19, 1008."
I'uUr Drug & Cbtftn. Corp.. Sole Props., JUifttoii.
Needed Her at Once.
When Bonaparte Uluebell announced
his engagement to Lily Ioe everybody
in the blacksmith shop congratulated
him on winning such a hard working
and forehanded mate. Hut lirastus
Coke remarked:
"'I'eared Ink you wouldn't never
cpeak up, Bonaparte. It's going on six
months blnco you begun to fiddle roun'
Lily."
"Dai's so," Bonaparte frankly admit
ted, "but I didn't lose mah job till las
night" Youth's Companion.
The extraordinary popularity of fins
white goods this summer makes the
choice of Starch a matter of great Im
portance. Defiance Starch, being free
from all injurious chemicals, is the
only one which is safe to use on fine
fabrics. Its great strength as a stiffen
cr makes half the usual quantity of
BUrcU necessary, with the result of
perfect finish, equal to that when the
goods were new.
The Feminine Habit.
Mrs. Pride Jimmy, dear, would you
mind doing an errand for me to-day?
Mr. Pride What Is it?
Mrs. Pride The cook says we won't
have enough chicken for dinuer, so I
wish you would take Ibis piece down
to the butcher shop and see If yon
can't got it matched.
ONLY ONK "IIUOMO Ot lMNK."
That U I.AXATIVri IIUOMi yl'l.SI N K. lKK.llf.il
Ihe nlKimtiirn of K. V . IiKOV K. I'sml lliu ViurlJ
mr u CuroaCulU Id unu laj. w.
Your orthography Is twisted. Alonzo.
A woman Is not a padded cell.
You n'way (jet full value in Lewi
Sinxle Binder ' niclit fio ciunr. Your
tl-alcr or ix-wis' Factory. Peoria, III.
By S.
With a heartfelt sigh Addison'
Spriggs put down his magazine. He
had just finished reading a famous
expert's article on the deadly dangers
of improper and inadequate ventila
tion. In the mind of Mr. Spriggs there
was formed a splendid resolution.
"Providence," he said to himself,
has singled me out for the perform
ance of an important duty. I shall go
forth at once to teach the poor and
the Ignorant the importance of keep
ing their doors and windows open. By
persuading those who sit In darkness
to let In fresh ulr 1 may save the lives
'jf the young and the Innocent, and
he that saves life Is greater than the
chairman of a board of directors. If I
had not been chosen for this great mis
sion I should not have found thnt mag
azine In the car on my way to town
this morning. It was dearly provi
dential. I shall not be recreant to my
trust."
Carefully adjusting his ear muffs
and turning up the collar of his great
coat, Mr. Addison Spriggs proceeded
toward the slums, keeping a sharp
lookout for unventilated houses and
ever and on turning his back to
the blast, so that his nose might not
be frozen. At last he paused before a
rickety cottage. He noticed that the
door was closed as tightly as possible.
There were no open windows, and
where a pane had been broken out
'.he benighted occupants had endeav
ored to deprive themselves of ventila
lion by stuffing into the aperture a
raided pillow. It was clearly a place
where the enlightened services of Ad
dison Spriggs were demanded.
Having been admitted he carefully
E. Kiier.
held the door open behind 111 lit and
surveyed the scene. Sitting as near
to a cold-looking little stove as they
could were four shivering children.
There was a miserable bed in a small
alcove at one side and the sounds
emanating therefrom Indicated that It
contained an unhappy Infant. The
mother of the little ones was u blue
lipped, sad eyed creature who had evl-
Her Purse
By Judd Mortimer Lewis.
Mr. Jinx sat with his feet on tho
center table, one hour past supper
'.ime, and merely glanced over the top
if his paper us Mrs. Jinx, with eyes
sparkling and cheeks rosy from her
brisk walk entered the room.
"Well," said she pushing his feet
from their resting place and sealing
herself there In their stead, ' have you
no kiss for 111c, and nothing to say?"
Jinx swiftly rose, paced three times
across the room and back with tragic
stride, then paused with his nose with
in an inch of her own and declaimed,
in a voice shaking with emotion:
'Though I might something say to you
Of slight respect for husband dear,
I will not say It, Kyes o'-Blue,
I'll keep my face shut now you're
here;
But I have sat here long! And long
Have planned a swift conjugal spat
Womnu! I say you did me wrong!
I ask: Where is my supper at?"
"Oh, you dear old thing," replied
she, ducking forward and catching her
Chicken-hearted peoplo aro always
hatching excuses.
ran iTrr rrrj
'J
CONTRACTING SEED GROWERS
Wo wish to place contracts with reli
able farmers for the ifrowinc of lu
cumber, Mehm, Squash ami Pumpkin
aeed. W rite for prices anil tiiiorinaiion
CHAUNCEY P. COY & SON
EST. 1878 WATERLOO, NEB.
"sjl
BARKER'S
HAIR BALSAM
CImum and tmatifiM Ut tub.
f'rumaut s Inmrinil giuwtli.
Ner FIU to Itestore Qrsj
llur to 1U Youthrul Color.
Cuim wlp diwM hlr tilling.
V-..nHl'l't pnirn'iU
have looked through to the outside.
What do you want?" asked tho de
pressed mistress of the castle after sho
had succeeded in pushing Mr. Spriggs
aside and closing the door.
"I am here," he replied, "for the pur
pose of showing you the error of your
ways. Iki you realize madaine, that
you are stunting the growth and Im
periling the lives of these innocent
children? You are robbing them of
that which Is most necessary to their
proper development. You arc depriv
ing them of the chance to become use
ful men and women. You nre commit
ting a crime against nature. Walt. I
do not accuse you of doing this wil
fully or deliberately. You aro unfor
tunately one of the unenlightened
many who have not learned the value
of ventllatlou. Do you keep your win
dows open at night? No. I can read
the answer In tho wan facts of your
children. I find you here with your
house tightly closed, breathing air
that has become poisoned and making
therapeutics necessary where you
might well get along without a single
therapute. Kor the sake of your llttlo
ones and In the service of humanity I
shall open this window, and I hope"
Then a large, coarse man who wore
heavy shoes and was devoid of troti
sers emerged from behind a door and
kicked AddlBon Spriggs Into the street
where he succeeded after a time In
crawling out of a bank of snow which
had broken his fall but bad not Im
proved bis temper,
lia.lng back at the collage and notic
ing that the door and windows were
closed as tightly as possible, Mr.
Spriggs sadly said:
"Darn the poor and Ignorant. If
they need more ventilation somebody
else can do the ventllatln'."
if'uiiyrlghl, l'.KW. Ity W. U. I'hupinun.)
holding her purse at arm's length with
both hands.
"What Is It, dear?" exclaimed Jinx,
springing to catch her.
"Oh, By! Oh, look at this! and this!
and these! Oh. these are her cards!
and this is her purse! and I did have
my own purse all tho time! Oh, luni-tiddydee-diddy-Idlddy-I,
oh, Isn't that
Immense! Kiss me quick! Oh, now I
lay me down to sleep! lla-hahaha-ha-'
"Hush, dear, hush! You are getting
hysterical. What wus In your purse?"
"Mv diamond ring, and What 'do
you think you are, a rooster! What are
you crowing about? Where aro you
going?"
"doing to town lum-tlddyumto
swear out a warrant for her arrest
for grand larceny-lumtlddy-umtiddy-
um!"
"Oh, you darling! Hush! some one
is at tho door! Why, Mrs. Gelt Oh,
yes, I am so sorry It occurred, you
must have felt so embarrassed! Oh, I
beg of you not to mention it It could
have happened to any one No, we
cannot possibly go for an auto ride
this evening! Ob, By! She's gone!
Wasn't that scrumptious!
(Copyright, i:9. by W. O. Chapman.)
Love's Young Dream
By Thomas L. Masson.
Of Painting Requirements Will Save
Much Expense.
Winn ine sees the surface of a
house or other building st illing, or
peeling, ur spotted or blistered, or
shoniug other symptom. of paint "dis
ease," it Is evident that a poor painter
has been on the job, und that poor
paint wus used or possibly that a
good puinter had been dominated by
a pioperty-Dwner who knew nothing
about pulnt
It Is un cnfy iTtatler to be Informed
on paint and painting. A complete
painting guide. Including u book of
color schemes, either for exterior or
interior specifications for all kinds
of painting, ami an instrument for
doteetlng adulteration In paint niif
terlal, with directions for using it,
may be had freo by writing National
Lead Company, 1IHI2 Trinity Bldg..
New York City, and asking for House
owner's Painting Outfit No. ID.
Then, every houseowner should
make it a point to get only well-
known reliable brands In buying bis
materials. Pure white lead is espe
cially Important, or the paint will
not prove satisfactory. The famous
"Dutch Hoy Painter" trademark of
National Lead Company, the largest
makers of pure white lead, Is nn ab
solute guarantee of the purity and
quality of the white lead sold under
It. That trademark la a safeguard
against r&lnt trouble.
TIRED OF THE REPETITION.
"What Do You Want?"
dently been patching n pair of trous
ers when Mr. Spriggs arrived upon
his errand of mercy Snow was sift
ing through a crack near the place
where the woman hail sat while at
work and there were several other
openings in the walls where one might
Plausible Argument Advanced by
Youthful Tactician.
Dorothy, aged eight years, was very
fond of going to church, and when 11
severe cold made It unwlsp for her
to be allowed to attend services one
Sunday morning she was disconsolate.
'Fraullnn will read the Bible to
you, nor lather Hssureu ner.
"I don't want to bear the Bible
rend. I want to say my prayers, ' ob
jected the child.
"Ciod will hear your prayers just the
Ratne if you say them at home as If
you were In church." she was told.
'But I don't know any without the
prnyer-book," argued Dorothy.
"Why. you know 'Now I lay ine
down to sleep,' " papa said.
'But Cod has beard that so often
she remonstrated.-Harper's Weekly.
seems that she had laid it down on
the counter and I had picked it up in
mistake for my own! Ob, 1 apologized
und apologized forwards and back
ward and cross-ways, and even started
to sing it. but she turned with a sniff
and left me. Perhaps you don't think
1 felt small!"
"Oh, well, It's all over now, dear. If
my business continues to grow."
"But that isn't all, dear. I turned
to the clerk and said, 'Oh, I'm so sorry
to have done such a thing!' and the
clerk looked at me suspiciously and
replied, 'I don't suppose the people
thought you really Intended to steal
It!' By, I just grabbed my own purse
off the counter and ran!"
"Oh, well let's have supper and for
get it."
"Wait till I show you a sample of
silk I bought. It's only one twenty
five a yard and the clerk says It makes
up just lovely "
Mrs. Jinx' voice trailed off weakly
to nothing, her eyes stuck out, her
mouth dropped open und sho stood
TWO YEARS OF FREEDOM.
No Kidney Trouble at All Since Using
Doan's Kidney Pills.
Mrs. J. R Johnson. 710 Wee St., Civ
Itimbla, Mo., says: "I was in misery
with kidney trouble,
and finally bail to tin
dergo an operation.
I did not rally well
and began to suffer
smothering spells and
dropsy. My leftside
was badly swollen
and tho action of the
kidneys much disor
dered. My doctors
said I would have to bo tapped, but I
began using Doan's Kidney Pills In
stead, and the swelling subsided and
the kidneys began to act properly.
Now my health Is fine." (Statement
made Aug. 1, lflOtl, and confirmed by
Mrs. Johnson Nov. lfi. 1908.)
Sold by all dealers. 50 cents a box.
FoBter-Mllburn Co., lluffalo, N. Y.
WHOLE TEAM.
Ooldfield Youngster Had Earl
Le.irntd the Value of Qjibbie.
Doctor Norrls of (loldfieM, Nov.,
called bis eight-year-old son Into tho
library after breakfast the other morn
ing, and regarded him with a sad
frown.
"Harry." ho snld, "why are o f J
often late at school?"
"I'm never late, father," Harry r -sponded
promptly,
"Careful, son." said the doctor. "Try
to remember. Haven't you been lat
at school In the lust few days?"
"No. sir."
"Then why hns your teacher writ
ten me this letter, saying you were
late .three times lust week?"
"Oh, I'll tell you, father,' said Harry,
reassuringly. "I don t know what kind
of a clock they have nt our r.chool,
but I'm always on time. Of course,
they start school norm t lines before I
get there, but that Isn't my fault Is
It?" Harper's Weekly.
WITH MOTHER A CLOSE SEC
SB
0
"HI, you. Willie! Wat's do matter?"
"Nuthin'. I'm trainin' for a Mara
thon!"
Fate of the Dutchman.
Patrick arrived home much the
worse for wear. One eye was closed,
his nose was broken and his face
looked ns though It had been stung by
bees.
"Glory be!" exclaimed his wife.
"Thnt Dutchman Schwartzhelmer
'twas him," explained Patrick.
"Shame on ye!" exploded his wlfo
without sympathy. "A big shpalpecn
the lolkes of you to get hate up by a
little omndhoun of a Dootchmau the
size of him! Why"
"Whist. Norn," said Patrick, "don't
spake disrespectfully of the dead!"
Hheer wtilte gooflB, In ract, any fln
wash goods when new, owe much of
their attractiveness to the way they
are laundered, this being done in a
manner to enhance tholr textile beau
ty. Home laundering would be equal
ly satisfactory if proper attention was
tjlven to starching, the first essential
being good Starch, which has sufficient
strength to stiffen, without thickening
the goods. Try Defiance Starch and
you will be pleasantly surprised at thu
Improved appearance of your work.
Pampered Prisoners.
The Kloyd county commissioner!!, It
is reported, "have ordered ten dozen
suits of pajamas for the county's con
vlcts." Is there another county in
Georgia or another penal Institution
In the Vnlted Stales that provides
Its prisoners with the fashionable
"nighties?" Who wouldn't rather be
a pajarnned prisoner In that Floyd
county chalngang than a no night
shirt freeman on the plains of windy
Kansas? Savannah News.
"Woman, I Say You Did Me Wrong!"
kiss. "I know you am just famished,
but I was shopping and 1 just couldn't
get away from those lovely bargains!
Shirtwaists for half price, and silk
vests for less than that, and Huffy
ruffles so cheap that you would think
they must have been stolen. And
you ought to see the hats! What do
you think I would look well In?'
"The kitchen. What did you blow
me for?"
"I was nt the white goods coun
ter In Dtngbustlt's looking at some
things and thinking of nothing
In particular, except supper and you,
snd how I wished we were rich, and
what I'd do with the money If I had
It, 'The baby should have n new toy
each day,' and all that sort of stuff
you know, when I felt a touch on my
arm and a haughty video snld in my
ear, 'I beg pabdon.' Just like that, 'I
beg pahdon!' "
"Well cut out the comedy and get
iown to cases; I am near starved!"
"Well, It was that Mrs. Gelt; you ro
member we lived across the way from
'.hem for four years In that little cot
tage and she never did call.
"Well. he told me that I had her
purse, und I denied it, und she In
listed, and I continued to deny, und
then sho ended It by saying, 'Why,
there it Is on your arm, right now! It
She thought me a harmless person. I
1 knew her to be 11 dangerous one.
That was the diffcrenco between us.
It was perfectly easy for me to
know that she was dangerous. All
pretty girls are dangerous. She was
simply mnre dangerous than most
pretty girls because she was prettier.
Now I had a scheme to make her
fall In love with me. It was simple in
operation, and I hoped that It would
be deadly in its effect.
The idea was this: To keep ln-r
mind off from love long enough to
have her get thoroughly well acipialnt
ed with me, when, lo, presto! she
would wake up some day to find that
I was very necessary to her.
I would suddenly be called away to
Africa, or Chicago. Then she would
grow restless, and begin to toy with
her food and get pale, without, know
ing what was the matter. After I bad
been gone long enough, I would sud
denly present, myself in front of her.
She would give Hie usual glad cry and
awaken to the sudden realization that
I was the cause.
Of course I realized the danger of
nil this. While It was happening I
might fall In love so badly myself as
to lose control and then, where would
I be?
"You are a ripping golf player," I
suid on the first day. I let her beat
me on purpose, but not so badly as to
make her feel that I was quite be
neath her.
"I can't follow you Into Herbert
Spencer or Schopenhauer, but. I
should be glad to discuss the Ameri
can Winston Churchill or Harold Mo
Grath," I said on tho second day. We
really got Into a great discussion
which ended with her saying that, it
was all very Interesting and she hoped
the opportunity would present Itself,
etc., etc.
1 naturally took care that It wnvld
present itself. But not In that way.
On the third day we went for a motor
trip and took the great draughts of
scenery at 40 miles an hour. 1 ex
plained all about the workings of the
car to her, ami kept her gently inter
ested all day. 1 called this my mechan
ical day, and it certainly was a suc
cess.
And then the end came swiftly,
without warning. It seemed to me that
Stood on the Front Steps
Started to Say Good By."
and
the psychological moment had come.
It was late In the evening. The moon
was out. I stood on the front steps
and started to say good by.
"I am going to Chicago to-morrow
I said, "or Africa; I can't tell which."
"I am bo sorry." Then she looked
at me strangely.
"You are the only man," she said
"who hasn't made love to me at the
end of two days, and I was In hopes
that you would stay right along."
"Don't you waut me to make love
to you?" I asked. That was the only
break I bad made.
And she smiled back.
"Oh. no, Indeed! Any man In these
days who hns time to spend four days
w ith any girl never could make money
enough to support me."
(Copyright, by W. (1. Chapman.)
Ida Yes; thnt Is Mrs. Pet high. JJer
husband Is a famous coach.
May That's a good combination.
She's a regular nag.
His Practical Mind.
A border fanner, whose practical
mind soared above n taste for things
beautiful, had the good or bad fortune
to marry a wofe who brought with her
a wooden substitute for one of her
nether limbs, says Ixmdon Tit Bits. On
beltiR remonstrated with on the exer-
els eof his choice, John thus answered:
"Hech, sir. It's maybe no' a vena
bonnle thing to marry a woman wl' a
wooden leg; but, man, she'll be awful
nsefu' at settln' time, when I'm put tin
doon my cabbages, necps and tattles.
She can gimg on in front an' niak' a
hole wi' her stump, while I come aliint
an' put in the seed."
How's This?
W nffcr One IIhihIiwI I)"llani tlrwunl for n
nun t jUrrh Ilmt r.wmut lie currl by llall a
I itarrti I urr.
K J. I 1II-.M.V .. ii:mio, 11,
W. tho iin(trli!iYt. Imve known I-'. J. i lii-nry
for ti.r Unt it v.-ir. mhI Im'IIi-vi" him iMTtt-rtly linn
oritltlf In nil IttiKliimH tnihMatilnim mill IUi:iiii-lally
Able to rjrry mil any mmt-nOoiut rimlc hy litfl nrni,
WAI.blV'l. MWAN A MAIIVIV.
hnli-Mlr 1 iruunlut". Tulnln. O.
IUM'11 Cit.irrh ruff U tnkrn iiitiTnnlly. riln
i1lr,H-tiy nHin the Mimm! nml murium tirfarr if thn
vt-ni. 'I'ntlmotilnlK Hi.t trrv. J'hre .1 ci'UtA iw
bottle. Niki iiv ml nniia-iNtii
ike 1U1H family rill lor runitliuiOan.
Qualifications.
Tin afraid you're not tall enough
for a nurse," said the mistress Inter
viewing an applicant.
"Oh, yes, ma'am," replied the girl
"It's all the better that I'm short; the
children don't drop so fur when they
fall."
Stops Colds In an Hour.
YU will be glud to knuw Line's I'leanint
iHMetH iiiUMlne) will xtup m nn hntir i
(obi thnt could lint lie winded off by nnv
mint; riM-. I lll'V will IIIW.'IVH linvifc lip II
cold nlmoat i l i ) mi 1 :i t -I Di n.... il. .,,.,1
denier hell them nf J.1 v, it box. Onitor
i. Woodward, l.c Buy, Sample free
A man ought, to know a great deal
to acquire a knowledge of the lui
mcuslty of his Ignorance.
The Alternative.
If fhe window had been eight feet
from the ground," pouted the youiiR
wife. "Instead of eight stories, I d have,
thrown myself out when you quarreled
with me. Then you'd have had to be sweet
to me when you picked me up. A lot
of wives attempt suicide, they say. Just
to be petted when they come to.
'Yes," said be, "but sometimes tncy
don't come to, remember."
The extraordinary popularity of flno
white goods this summer makes the
choice of Starch a mntt r of great Im
portance. Defiance Starch, being free
from all injurious chemicals. Is the
only ono which Is safe to use on fine
fabrics. Its great strength as a stiffen
er makes half the usual quantity of
Starch necessary, with the result of
perfect finish, equal to that when the
goods were new.
The Idealist.
The Bride I want a piece of meat
without any bone, fat or gristle.
The Butcher Madam, 1 think you'd
better have an egg Harper's Weekly.
Omaha Directory
REVERE RUBBER BELTING
'"'XUor LEWIS SUPPLY C0..0MAHA
RUBBER GOODS
h" mull nt cut jirlcen. Rem for fre CAtelnpiia.
WiVEHS -DILLON IRUQ CO . OMAHA. HEBH.
vj) TAFT'S DENTAL ROOMS
th 1517 Duoelai St., OMAHA. NEB.
iVl'JU Reliable Dtntiilry l Modarate Prices.
RUPTURE
Of all t-rlrtlt-H
prr-
uianrnt ly
our i'il In it
few iUvm ithnut a MuiKu nl operKiiuu
ur ili-ientlon from Ihimiu'wi. No pay
will Iw wi-riteit until lie pntlrnt In
1'imipletely hitllhtiril. Write ur call cu
FRANTZ H. WRAY, M. D.
Room 308 Bee Bldg., Omaha, Nek.
BILLIARD TABLES
POOL TABLES
LOWEST PRICES. EASY PAYMENTS.
You cannot afford to experiment with
untried good sold by commission
agents. Catalogues free.
The Brunswick Balke-Collondcr Company
407-9 So. 10th St., Dnl. 2. OMAHA. NEB.
