I a...,,, i
1
D
Who Shall be President?
Is it Cleveland ?
Is it Hill ?
Is it Harrison?
Is it Blaine?
OR IS THERE ANY OTHER flAN YOU WANT FOR PRESIDENT OP
THE UNITED STATES?
NAME YOUR CHOICE !
1 lie f ARM JIJUKXAL. 1103, at 1'fe-
designed and printed a beautiful Counting House
Calendar for 1892, containing portraits of the leading
Presidential possibilities : Cleveland, Harrison, Hill.
Elaine, McKinley, Gorman, Boies, Rusk, and Crisp, also Postmaster-Genen.
Wanamakcr. lhese
portraits arc in
themselves beautiful
works of art, really
splendid pictures,
FARM
JOURNAL
as fine as any steel
engraving, and in
no way an adver
tisement. They will
be an ornament to
50 CENTS
This space Is occupied
with engraved portraits of either
HARRISON, CLEVELAND.
BLAINE, HILL, CRISP,
WANAMAKER. McKINLEY.
GORMAN, RUSK, BOIES.
Whichever you may select.
JANUARY
S M W T F S
1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
IO 1 1 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 192021 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31
PORTRAIT
after the Calendar
is done are suitable
for framing. They
are so.ld, with or
without the Cal-
CALENDAR
endar, for 25 cents
each, to non-subscribers
to Farm
Journal.
any parlor, or office,
wall, or desk, and
If you are
Calendar ;
Calendar ;
This is a miniature of the Calendar .
The size is , by oj inches.
35 CENTS
' Ml 1 1
a l.levelana man you win warn a e,icveianu
if a I'.lninc man order a Illair.e Calendar; if a Hill man
if a McKinley man order a McKinley Calendar, and so on.
order a Hill
LET'S HAVE A VOTE!
The Farm Journal is well known everywhere in the United States
as one f t!ie very bct Farm paper a perfect gem of a Family paper. It
is cre.ici, not skiin-inilk ; it is the boiled -down paper; chuck-full of
common-sens-; hits ihe n:.il on the head very time. F.very one who has
a hor-.e, or cow, or pit, or chicken, or has a farm big or little,
.1 1. . . 1 .1 T 'I'l -
or a arilen paten, outfit to i:kc uic takm journal- t uc
fact that it has a round million readers bespeaks its wonderful
popularity. It is the one r that pinrantecs its advertisers
to be honest, and protects its readers against fraud.
LET'S HAVE A V0TE1
It mst vou tiothinrr to voe. The bnrm Tournnl tor one year costs noth
fni?; the presidents' portrait calendar costs 3 0:1 but 10 cents, to merely
cover the expense of printing, wrapping; mailing etc., provided that you
iiWrihc nt thp same time for The IIekalt. Our clubbiiicr terms with
the farm Journal are such that we can furnish
Weekly IIerali - - - $1.50.
Farm Journal, ; - - -i0
President's portrait ca'ender, - .25
Total, .... $2.25
all for $l.fiO, but ten cents more than our usual subscription rate: or, if
your subscription to THE Hekald has been paid up in full, we will send
you the Farm Journal, 1 year, the presidents portrait calendar (your
chioce for president) for 35 cents. Make remittance direct to us without
delay as this ia a special and extraordinary offer.
Don't forget in order ring calendar to state who is your choice
for President, and which calendar ycu want,
ADDRESS,
PLATTSMOUTH, NEBRBSKA.
Circulation Large
Rates Reasonable.
Returns Remunerative
PLATTSlVlOUTrl HERALD
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1
om Kentucky Uoionel was tbe
r of a lovely daughter, who loved
ee younjr man in all rr.-Jpects un
objectionable. All the girls and ma
trons in the country sympathized with
the lovers, and the gossips pronounced
it the happiest alTair in the line of
marrying that had been heard of for
a long time. But the Colonel was an
obstinate man, with a very red counte
nance, fierce gray eyes and a nose
somewhat mottled in blue ami purple
from the long habit of generous pota
tions of Hourbon.
The more he heard of the courtship
the more he swore that h' would have
no such puppy for .son-in-law. and the
young man got into such a state that
he was afraid to see his betrothed ex
cept surreptitiouslv. and both wen:
i afraid to open the niibjeet to the Col
onel.
Happily, when the path of true
lovers does not run smooth, owing - to
the opposition of a cruel parent, the
misery of the situation heightens the
delight, and so the wretched, happv
couple went on day by day, as tens of
! thousands have done before.
The stolen interview and the sur-
reptitious not- . r.nd the agony and
I fear and the co.i :-,.nt suspense made
I the hours glow with remorse. But
; anon, the Colonel learned through one
', of the gossips that lie was likely to be
a father-in-law without his consent.
! lie stalked up and down the hall mut
1 tering and growling something to the
I effect that this was the first time in
: his life that he had ever been opposed,
j and, by Jupiter and all the other gods,
it would be the last! Then he sent for
his friend the Major, and the two
worthies discussed whether the pre
sumptuous rascal should be horse
whipped, shot on sight or politely
slaughtered according to the code.
The last method was determined on,
and a challenge delivered to the
enemy, with an explanation of the con
descension that aveorded the chival
rous terms, "as a lady's honor was
concerned, sir."
But a woman's quick wit, always
sharper under the inspiration of love
and romance, suggested a rising act
of tragedy. 'Twixt smiles and tears
the maiden implored her lover to obey
iter wishes, saying: "You know, dear,
how obstinate papa is; the only way 1
can get anything is to pretend not to
want it, "and it was just so with
mamma when she lived. Now, do
3011 understand?"
In the mean time the Colonel and
the Major prepared to make worms'
meat of the poor lover.
The proposed fatal morning dawned;
the gentlemen were promptly on the
ground and the ceremonies were
about to proceed as usual, when the
lover's friend approached the blood
thirsty Colonel with great formality
and said: "Colonel, my friend has done
you a wrong which he proposes to re
pair without the loss of his life, which
would only make the matter worse for
the young lady. It is true that he has
declined to marry her, and "
"Has declined to " But the mon
strosity of the thing choked the Col
onel out of utterance.
"Yes; and he desires to offer an
apology and "
"Apology!" shouted the Colonel.
"Hang his apology ! Refuse to marry
a Kentucky gentleman's daughter! By
all the infernal gods, we'll see about
that! Major, get me a preacher, sir
and a church, and all that sort of thing,
mighty quick. There'll be a wedding,
sir. or a funeral in less than half an
hour. Not a word, gentlemen.
don't like a puppy for a son-in-law, but
my honor shall be vindicated.
Of course the Colonel had his way
but if he ever finds out the hoax he
will burst a blood vessel or fall dea
of apoplexy. Cincinnati Commercial
Gazette.
BECCINC THE QUESTION.
Mrs. Brown-Jones, a society leader.
Mr. Jones, her husband.
Mrs. Brown-Jones "My dear (Mr.
Jones yawns and lays down paper), I
want to give a gernian."
Mr. Jones "(Jive him what?"
Mrs. Brown-Jones "io you know
w hat a gernian is?"
Mr. Jones "I supHsod you referred
to a native of (Jerni.iny; but I perceive
by your tone that society has to d
with it. Now. why not give an Kn
glish? You .-ire such an Anglo "
Browi
"I beg of you not
can help it. A
aid a cotillion is
. . . w m
ius. nrown-.joncs
to be foolish if you
gernian is a cot illon
a dance."
Mr. .I ti"s "Keullv. vou must rar
don my ignorance; but 1 thought, re- j
lativcly .'peaking, that an llnglisli ;
would be several degrees higher in the I
social scale.-'
Mrs. Brown-Jiics (bniorin" his last !
remark)"! am oniy going to have
young people; and want to think of
something for the men's favors."
Mr. Jones -"What are they?"
Mrs. Brown-Jones "Oh, "what the
girls give to the men when they ask
tliciu to dance! Now, what would you
suggest?"
Mr. Jones "I hardly like to inter
fere. Let them give what they want. It
would take the present of a steam
yacht to make me dance."
Mrs. Brown-Jones (severely) "We
must supply the presents."
Mr. Jones (after a prolonged whistle)
"That's different mv purse is limit
ed, and"
Mrs. Brown-Jones (calmly continu
ing) "We want something appropri
ate for the moil to liang 011 tlieir coals."
Mr. Jones (conlidently) "Well, but
tons are the most "
Mrs. Brown-Jones "Something nice
like scarf-pins or "
Mr. Jones (starting) "But, 1113'
sweet win?, men never wear scan-pins
in their coats. Now, if you want
something on that order, what, do you
say to a dozen neckties? You have al
ways admired my taste in that line."
Mrs. Brown-Jones "I see no fun in
it at all."
Mr. Jones "Then why do you hae
it?"
Mrs. Brown-Jonas "Have what? I
was referring to 3-011 r singular re
marks." Mr. Jones "So you used the singu
lar form. I thought by 'it' you meant
the grman."
Mrs. Brown-Jones "Have 3011 any
suggestions to offer?"
Mr. Jones "Why not see Bob Van
Der Void? He can help 3 0U out."
Mrs. Brown-Jones "I've been think
ing of him all the time. He's just the
one!"
Mr. Jones (slowly) "Then why
in the name of mud did 3-011 ask
me for an3r suggestions?"
Mrs. Brown-Jones "I I didn't. I
merely said I wanted to give a german
and that we had to buy some favors
for the men."
Mr. Jones (smiling broadly) "Oh, I
begin to see! If 3-ou had said buy at
first I would have understood. So it's
a check, eh?"
Mrs. Brown-Jones (greatlv relieved)
1 - x -1 es : fucK,
el as if nome one was walking up
Htairs! Tke stops sounded nearer and
nearer, slower and slower; "olemn and
measured they were, and presently
they halted at my door. I drew the
hheet over my head, and lay there
trembling, not daring t move.
"Something," continued th lawyer,
"entered my room, and I threw the
sheet over my face. 1 felt rather
than sa-w a faint yellow glimmering
light. I could not move at lirst, but I
presently managed to gain a little
courage. I drew the sheet cautiously
down from my face, and looked!"
"Well!" cried the bi-liop, eM-ile lly.
"In tlie cen'icr of the room,'' said the
lawxer, mo1, -.(. oil :i io man.
lie seemed gr.'iiit and hhiii with age
1 r hung. 1, and 'ii; ":i gi:i beard
liuiig L.i'.f w;; y (!o'.n hi., Liv.i-d. lie
wa.- ili'OM-d in a queer lo .-e cloak w ith
acapf, and he wore ;i broad leather
band about bis waist. -m one band ho
held a peculiarly shaped lantern, from
which flowed the yellow b.'l't, making
strange ghostly shadows on tlie wall
behind him. in the other hand ho
held a stall', the look if w hich was un
pleasant. He stood still in the middli
.f the floor, looking at me. Presently
1 said, 'Whence art thou? W hat dost
thou require?'"
"And what did lie say?" cried the
bishop, fixing his 03 es upon the odd
expression of the lawyer's face.
"He said" replied the lawyer,
speaking in a hoarse whisper -"he.
paid: 'I beg yer pardon, sur. I'm the
watchman of the street, sur; an' J
thought 'twould be best for inc. sur, to
come up an tell yer that yer front
door stood open! If ye do be lavin' it
that way, sur. it's bad luck e'll have
before
the iiioriiinT" -- Ilurjn '. Younj
ANY AMOUNT OF
Hut His I :tcl f.irlMl Klin lor
lint Tiioroui;!1! v.
FUN.
It, OllillT.
Kismet.
BO LIWC WATER OR MILK
9
P P
GRATKUL COMFORTING
COCOA
Labeled 1-2 lb Tins Only.
D P A TliflVViMus
Dual 1 1 Fee
N. J.
Pianos. $82 iia. C;ita!i"iie
l iniel F lleatty Washington
OLD-TIME PREACHING.
An Eccentric
Divine Who Was Giren to
Loug Seruioiis.
ESSKlaD KOI8K3 CURED
by Peck'a lorWbU TabaUr Kar Caab-
Whlnara Baard. CMnfartabla.
&ucc-s&fulwaaral Iramadltafail. SaldhwV MU.w I., anpp
eH3 ira4aj, Tart. Writ, far bat of aralaTliLC
SIR!
PARKER'S
HAIR BALSAM
PromolM a luxuriant prowth.
Never Fails to Restore Gray
. 1 a luuuiilll. LOJor.
uc,
a!p dierate &. iipir fniluue.
c.aixl llat Droayiata
I . LI ' i
1 lrltv'r n Ginger Tunic, it cures tbe wri OhiIi,
V r .l: t.:iri;. Ocbililv. Imlieastion. Pain. Take in thna.60cta.
Tbe or.rr rare enr tor Coma
ruggisla, or UlSC'UX ft CO., N. Y.
longer
h:percorns
all pain. . at Xlrugi
How Lost X
How Regained !
J
IO: THYSELF.
Or SEXF-FRESERVATIOX. A new and only
Gold Medal PBIZB ESSAY on MERTOD8 and
PHYSICAL IKBIL1TY. KBROSS of
YOUTH, EXHAUSTED VITALITY, FRB
MATDBB DECLIIOJ, and all DISBASK8
and WEAKNESSES of MAN. 300 page, cloth.
196 inTalnaole mcripoocj. Only n.w
laU, ooobla aealed. IJeaeriptre) Frosoect-
um wun enooriimmii
of th Preaa and voloni
testimonials of tbe cm
Consultation in person or by mail. Expert treat
ment. INVIOLABLE SECKECT and CEK-
TAIN Ct'KK. Addrtw Dr. W. H. Parker, or
be Pea body Medical Institute, No. 4 Bullincb St..
Boston, Mans.
The Peabody Medical Institute has many imi
tators, out no equal. iierata.
The Science of Life, or "Se'f Preservation, is a
treasure more valuable than l' M. Krad it now,
rverv H'KAK and N KKVOl s man. and learn to
be STKOXi . Jfedinil t'Pirtr. (Copyrighted-.1
EaFREEl lo.
MoIern congregations, which often
feel themselves free to criticise and
condemn their ministers for very slight
onenses, would be ill at ease, no doubt.
if the old-time authority of pastors
over their flock were restored, savs the
Youth's Companion. In the old-fash
loned days, two centuries aero, it was
the custom for the minister to criticise
and sometimes to harass his congrega
tion, instead of permitting himself to
be harrassed by them. Some stories
told of an eccentric divine in Bristol,
Eng., illustrates this.
This clergyman was given to preach
ing very long sermons so long that
his congregation hnally made a formal
remonstrance. He assured them that
he would take the matter into coasid
eration.
Tsext Sunday, wnen trie nour came
for the sermon, the pastor announced
that he would give them a "short sub
ject. His text, he said, was from Luke
xviii, 8 "Neverthless."
He began to preach, and the sermon
had already been half an hour
than usual when he said:
"And now I know you are all fret
tinj; and jrrumblinjr because vour din
ners are spoiling at home, but never
theless I shall go on."
At last complaint was made to the
Bis-hop against the clergyman's "ridi
culous manner of preaching," and the
personal remarks which he introduced
into his sermons. The Archdeacon and
the Bishop's Chaplain were directed to
j gf secretly to the church, and bring a
f :t t Ii t ti l report to the .Bishop of what
they heard.
The clergyman, in spite of their
seereev, got wind of their presence and
erranJ, and preached from Genesis
xlii., 9: "Ye are spies; to see the
nakedness of the land ye are come."
The sermon, it is said, was so in
genious and forcible that a good re
port of it was carried to the Bishop,
and for that time the pastor triumphed
over his enemies.
Finally, however matters went so
far that the clergyman one day came
to blows with several of his parishion
ers, and conquered them all. giving
them a severe drubbing. Next Snn
dav he took for his text Neheraiah xiii.,
25:
"And I contended with them and
cursed them, and smote certain of
them, and plucked off their hair."
It was on an electric car, bound from
Harvard square to Boston. lie was a
susceptible Harvard student, she as
pretty a girl as you could wish to see.
lie wore an immaculate white scarf
and was arrayed like a lily of the lield.
She had brown eyes that extended back
to her soul, and she knew how to use
them. She left the car at the central
gate of the Common, and he sighed
and watched her through the car win
dow until she was out of sight.
An hour later he was strolling
through West street viewing the shop
pers with a critical eye. Suddenly,
from the mysterious interior of a dry
goods store, a bundle in her himd, her
cheeks flushed with the ardor of the
chase, she came forth, fairer than be
fore. And underneath the immacu
late scarf he felt a joyous commotion.
At 1 o'clock he was at the Adams
House, and, as in duty bound, made a
cursory examination of the ladies' din
ing room. He had inspected scarcely
half the tables when his heart stopped,
and his ee was rireted. Just under
neath a mirror she sat, divested of her
wraps, and nothing short of ravishing.
"It is fate," said he, and stared at
her until there was danger of the head
waiter calling the police.
At 4 o'clock he was hurrying up
Tremont street in the overture of a
threatening rain storm, bound for Bark
square. Jn tront or the iremont
Theatre lie thought of his immaculate
scarf and line raiment, and sought
shelter in a doorway.
Another moment and the world
around him grew mistv. She stood
beside him, her skirts in hand and de
spair in her face, without mackintosh
or umbrella to shield her from the
rain.
He glanced at her a moment, rolled
up his z trousers and departed on a
run. A few doors down the street was
a furnishing store. lie dashed into it.
"Give me an umbrella, quick," he
said.
"Here is one," said the clerk, "$4.50,
genuine natural wood and "
liang the wood, said he.
He dived into his pocket. A ?2 bill,
two ones and 45 cents in change.
"Call it $4.45. It's all I've got."
"All right," said the clerk.
He threw down the money and rushed
back to the doorway.
She was gone.
Then he raised his umbrella ami'start-
ed to walk to Cambridge. Boston
Herald.
The Lawyer's Ghost.
A lawver and a bishop (perhaps the
bishop should come first) were talk
ing, and this was the manner of their
talk:
"I have become thoroughly con
vinced," said the lawyer, "of the exist
ence of nocturnal apparitions, for I
have seen one!"
"Dear me!" exclaimed the bishop.
"I am very curious. Relate the story."
"I will, mj' lord, I will," said the
awyer. "it was between the hours of
eleven and twelve. I had gone to bed,
and was just falling into ray first com
fortable sleep, when I was wakened
bv a strange creaking noise. It sound-
Old Hum Johnson, who livs down
in a Ki'iitH'bi-e iiiinly (own, is :ili.ut
the sourest, mid i)ul t i :tii hired fellow
yrii ever saw, s:i s the I.ewi.lnu Juiir
nal.' The other day he heard an avvfcil
chit Lit out on a long hill near his
house. He got mil to tlie scene just in
time to see his son Jed mount tlie ox
cart, hold up the tongue and coast
down the hill with a thunderous roar
and a cloud of dust. Tho old man
started on the trail down the hill. pick
ing up a club on the way and jelling
for Jed to come back and take a lick
ing. But the nearer he got to the
trembling Jed the more tiio real nov
elty and humor appcalvd to him.
When he got to the foot of the hill he
was grinning like a "chessy cat," a.i
Jed afterward declared.
"What in tiineuation you doiu' with
that ox cart, Jed?"
"By gorry, dad, I'm a-slidin' down
hill in er, dad; and it's more fun 'an
Ie Injuns. Jest help me toost 'er up
hill and Lake a ride," said Jed, taking
courage from his father's grin.
"You sassy imp," sputtered Sam;
"I'm a good mind to welt you."
"Oh, lad, come on; it's slathers of
fun."
"Not by a darned shot! And 'sides.,
some one may see me."
"Git out; they won't neither. Take
holt here an' we'll run 'er up hill."
The old man couldn't resist. Chuck
ling, he helped push the cart up hill;
chuckling still, he crawled in, and he
tittered as he told Jed to "hold tight
an' steer straight." .V
Away they went. But they had just
got under headway when a team came
jogging around a bend in the road at.
the foot of the hill. The old ox cart
roared down in its headlong rush. A
wicked smash-up seemed imminent.
The frightened Jed, bewildered by a
volley of squawks and yells, yanked
the tongue about, and the flying cart
sheered for the fields. It careered
wildly, hopped the highway gutter,
crashed over a stone wall and came to
a wrecked standstill, bottom upward,
Jed and the old man were beneath.
It was six weeks Wefore Johnson got
the crick out of his back and recovered
the use of his battered members. Hi
first duty at the end of those six weeks
was to lick Jed, not passionately or in
temperately, but thoroughly, consci
entiously, earnestly, according to a
carefully matured plan and determination.
Moving a I tig I lock.
One of the biggest rocks ever moved
in the course of railroad construction
in this country was recently excavated
on the line of the Mexican Southern by
Col. Camar. The Lower California n
says the giant bwwlder was 12 ) feet in
height and measured 1,000 cubie
meters. Six dynamite cartridges were
placed under the rock after the men
had excavated as much earth as possi
ble, and were fired one after another.
At the sixth explosion the big fellow
rolled over out of theway.
lie Thought He Wm Ieal.
In speaking about a wound received
in the cheek at the battle of Sharps
burg, Senator-elect Gordon not long
ago told a curious story which illus
trates a feature of his character which
will come into play during his sen
atorial rareer. It is the fact that Gor
don never loses his head and that he
can think under any circumstances.
Said Gen. Gordon:
"While I lay there wounded on the
field my mind went through a curious
process of reasoning. I thought I had
been struck by a cannon-ball and I
said to myself: 'I have been struck in
the head with a six-pound solid shot.
It has carried away my head. I can
feel that there is a little piece of the
skull left on the left side. But my
brains must be gone entirely. There
fore I am dead. And yet I am think
ing. And how can a man think with
his head shot off? And, if I am think
ing, I cannot be dead. And yet no
man can live after his head is shot off.
Still I may have consciousness after I
am dead, "but my body cannot have
action. Now, if I can lift my leg. then
it must be that I am alive. I will try
that. Can I? Yes, I can. I see it
rising. I am not dead, after all, and
with that I woke up and found that my
head was still on, but I reasoned as
philosophically and logically over the
matter as though I was in my office."
i tusuur'j Uispatrh.
5
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