Is it Harrison ? " U it CleVetend ?
Is it Blaine?
OR IS THERE ANY
Is it Hill ?
OTHER HAN YOU WANT FOR PRESIDENT OP
THE UNITED STATES?
NAME YOUR CHOICE !
designed and printed a beautiful Counting House
Calendar for 1892, containing portraits of the leading
l'rcsidential iossibilities : Cleveland, Harrison, Hill.
Blaine, McKinlcy, Gorman, Boies, Rusk, and Crisp, also Postmaster-Geneix
Vt anamakcr. 1 hese
portraits are in
themselvesbeautiful
works of art, really
splendid pictures,
FARM
JOURNAL
as fine as any steel
engraving, and in
no way an adver
tisement. They will
be an ornament to
50 CENTS
This space Is occupied
with engraved portraits of either
HARRISON, CLEVELAND,
BLAINE, HILL, CRI5P,
WANAMAKER. McKINLEY.
GORMAN, RUSK, BOIES.
Whichever you may select.
JANUARY
S M T W T F S
1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 O
IO 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 192021 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31
PORTRAIT
after the Calendar
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CALENDAR
endar, for 25 cents
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to Farm
Journal.
This is a miniature of the Calendar.
The size is 5 by o inches.
anyparlor, or office,
wall, or desk, and
It you are a Cleveland man you will want a Cleveland
1 Calendar: if a Illaine man order a Maine Calendar; if a
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r
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if a McKinley man order a McKinley Calendar, and so on.
Hill
2E3
PLATTSMOuTH HERALD
Is q Weekly Ptjblicqioq of
ijgl cid special ?qltie cs qi qd-
eitisiig mediqir (o qll to
seel to i'cqcl fqmilies tliotigl-
oqt -the cotiivty.
aiHOKLY. TMOROOAMLT. FOMVKft OKI
BT a mv pvnecioa
scientific method that
cannot fail anleaa the)
eua is beyond bnmu
aid. Ton feel Improved
the first day, feel a bene
fit every day : soon know
yourself a kin anions;
men In body, mind and
heart. Drains and losses
ended. Every obntacle?
to happy married life re
moved. Nerve force,
will, enemy, brain power,
when failing or lost are
restored by this treat
me'it. All small and weak
portions of the body en-Liix-ed
and strengthened.
Victims of abunes and
excesses, reclaim your
maiiiiiMx ! Sufferer from
lolly .overwork, III health,
rebuilt your viiror! Don't
dt'bpnir.even it in the Inst
xtutres. Ifem'tbedialieart
died if quac-ka have rob
bed you. Jx t usubow you
that medical science and
illness honor Blill exist; here 1111 hand in hand.
Vrltn lor our ISouk with ezplanalions A proofs,
iniledaealrd Tree. Over JS.OOO reference.
,SIE MEDICAL CO. , BUFFALO, N. Y.
;rinj. DIEPFENBACH'S
PROTAGON CAPSULES,
Pare Cnro for "Weak Men, as
proved by reportsof leading pny
1 siclans. State age In ordering.
Price, ml. Caistlorne Free.
A sale ana speeay
enra for Wleas,
Stricture end ill
Unnatural discharges. Price 83.
REEK SPECIFIC Hird
wand Skin Slseaaea. SeroT-
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160 WUoocsin Btscet, MILWAUKEE, WIS,
trwciiMmwx
G6G
O'er the far moorliind and tlio aiirhlna- Kent
Through Die gray dusk the angel of the fooarn-1ns-
1 Comes with Its meanatfe and its peace for
theer
All the lonjr day the children have iMtcn stray
Jnjr In the bright meadows, by tlio running
streams;
Now they return awmriud froro their pluyinK
Home to their mothers and to the lund of
dreams.
All the lontr clay the lark was slntrinjr pralces
Fur from the tumult of tin- smoky town;
All the hmir day tiie lambs were 'mid the
All the Ion)? day the sheep wore on the down.
Soon in the fold tin- lambkins w ill bo pleeinr.
Soon in the ilusk t!i lark will ilifiiru of morn,
ltri'HthiiiK of pt'iii'f, the rivulet is rret pinir
Tliroutfli the shut lilies una liiu bmlUed thorn,
I have Xiecn weariel uli with my lonirimr
Wearied with li'ioes for wlnit I eoiild not win
Wearied witli doubt und eravimrH that were
thronirinir
Thro' Uiu ilim i?ate where faith b!iould -iitr
in.
Now in the eventide, while stars are buriiiry?
In the jrray chancel of the twillvht sky
While tin- ynunjf lambs and children ure ro
turiiiiujf Home to tiieir restlnfr-plaee why should
not I t
Tired of my' solitary, willful mainlnir
(t'er the sad Moorland, by tile HiKhinir sea.
Father, 1 hasten, tlirou-rh tlie nilver filoaminjr,
liock, like the - wiiKai of yore, to The'.
Art'....- I,. Salmon in (JoxkI Words.
niimimiwr'M-
"-'Cn ur wTf hiakiVlierscif general
ly useful Wbimt'lKe pce?fhnrply tlo
nianded the old lad y.' ' ' '
, "Certainly she can," saiil I, begin
ning, vaguely to eee my way through
the mists of perplexity that had here
tofore ohsrttreti my brain.
"How old is she i"' asked Mrs. Msir
tin. "Kighteen," I answered.
Mrs. Martin frowned.
"What does possess girls to get mar
ried nowadays," said she, "before
they've left oil dolls and patch work ?"
I looked thoughtfully down at the
pattern of my plate a pink ('liinaniau
crossing a carniin. bridge, vviih two
very red willows drooping at the f:.r
end f it, and some iinji-iiie ttreaks
of water below- and made no direct;
answer. My iiiothcr-in-Iav was douil-lc-s
laboring under a !iii-;apprehen-sion,
but I did not exactly see that it
was my business to set. her right. Mie
had evidently engaged a hin d man,
ami took it. for granted that I was the
personage in question.
"What can you dor"" she askeil ab
ruptly. And with equal curtness I re
sponded: j
"Anything.
ana fro to wort getting cupper, m. toe
'yoilr KIchaM-T - -
U .ywrenia;hi,rl kndw..Tiaid LrrTve
i6rvlayin Utluuble part and do-
. ceived you Jill along. Uut I wantel you
to like me and you know," I added,
"all is fair in love and war."
"Well, I do like you a little." ad
mitted my mother-in-law." And now
that I have seen you, Dick, I d ni't so
much wonder at "the way Nettie be
haved." After that, she never scolded us nny
more. And I honc.-dly bdice that
this is the only ca-c on ice in!
which a mot her-i 'i-' i v was
in so brief a cam .t'"ii. ."'.'tliie s
I !..n
on
t
't kti
O'V
I;-.
kl!.
1
V) :
ill I
I M
fed
ayx
u-t,
1.
DOYl) p -'.?,
Iiilert'Ht in; ln ii(e.i. . i i
util.tl .11 .minor.
l by 4 ;r-
ins MOTHER-IX-LAW.
1 k
LET'S HAVE A VOTE!
The Farm Journal is well known everywhere in the United States
5 nn of the very liebt Farm paners a perfect gem of a Family paper. It
is cream, not skim-milk; it is the boiled-down paper; chuck-full of
common-sense; hits the nail on the head every time. Everyone who has
a horse, or cow, or pig, or chicken, or has a farm big or htUe,
r a garden patch, ought to take the Farm Journal. The
fact that it has a round willioa readers bespeaks its wonderful
jtojjul.-it iiy. It is the one paper that guarantees its advertisers
to be honeat, and protects its readers against fraud.
LET'S HAVE A VOTE I
It cost you nothing- to vote, The rarm Journal tor one year costs 110th
tnp;; the presidents' portrait calendar costs you but 10 cents, to merely
cover the expense of printing-, wrapping-; mailing; etc., provided that you
subscribe at the same time for The IIekAlD. Our clubbincr terms with
the farm Journal are such that we can furnish
Weekly Herald - 1.50.
Farm Journal, ; - - .50
President's portrait calender, - .25
Total. .-- - $2.25
all for $1.(30. but ten cents more than our usual subscription rate: or, if
our 8ubscnotion to THE HERALD has been paid up in full, we will send
you the Farm Journal, 1 year, the presidents portrait calendar (your j
chioce for president) for 35 cents. Make remittance direct to us without
delav as this is a special and extraordinary offer.
Don't forget in orderring calendar to state who is your choice
for President, and which calendar ycu want,
ADDRESS,
THE ZE3ZZE3K-A-rH3
PLATTSMOUTII, NKBRBSKA.
Circulation Large.
Rates Reasonable,
Returns Remunerative
runkenness
t!o Liquor Habit, Positively Cum
; I Aor.jirns itm::2 dr. haihes golden specific
i? cn '.)3 given In a cup of coSee or tea. or In cr
i.c.i i ui ocd, without the knowledge of the per
;.i t -iking it; it is absolutely harmless ami wili
a permanent ami ppreily cure, whether
tiiupatientida moderate rlrinkeroran alcoholic
wieik. IT NEVFR FAILS. We GUARANTEE
:'. (impiete cure in cvsry instance. 43 page book
rrr?E'r!. Addrrs in confl'Ipt'pe,
Lit iFEU'ftC CO... 1 as Bad St. Cincinnati. O-
SCHiFFM ANN'S Asthma Cure
Navav faua to giw instant relief in the wont
oases, and effcta eurw trhere other Call.
Trial Puca PKKE of Drasrfeto or ky BIL
taiftm Da. It. BOHIFFMAIiW, EL Tsui. Blam.
Scientific Amerlcao
Agency for
CAVEATS,
u . h . . v
DESIGN PATENTS
COPYRICHTS, etc.
ftir Information and tree Handbook write to
MUNN ft CO 361 Broadway, NEW YORK.
Oldest l.ureau for securing patents in America.
JSrarj patent taken out bv us is brought before
the pablia by a notice given free of oharga in toe
. Irreat elmalatlon of any scientific paper in the
world. Splendidly illustrated. No intelligent
roan should be without it. Weekly, S3. OO a
year; l-JO six months. Address MtJNM CO,
Publishers, 361 Broadway. New York,
PATENTS
DDnPIIDfrn31"1'0' Pamphletand Reference
rnUbU IfCUSeward A.Haseltine& Eiro. Solicitor
of America a Foreign 1'alenu and Attumeva in Patent eaaea
iAMKitte at Washington. D.C) Springfield, Missourb
Skin
Chamberlain's Eyo and
Ointment.
A eertain core for Chronio Soro Eyef
Tetter, Salt Rheum, Scald Head, Ol
Chronic Sores, Fever Sores, Eczema,
ItcL, Prairie Scratches, Sore Hippies
and Piles. It is eoolmor and soothiocr.
Hundreds of cases have boen cured by j can't have any idea how terrible she
ttnftoin11 oihn trnttnarx. failnrl. ! is." Sighed Nettie.
i ou ve come, nave your sanl my
mother-in-law, in a deep voice, as ?he
stood on the threshold, grimly survey
ing me with eyes that shone like hard,
jrrcenish-blue gooseberries liehind her
spectacles. For such modern trifles as
eye-glasses were as unsuited to my
niotlicr-in-law'.s line Human nose as a
point-lace collar would be to the Venus
li Milo. I could feel her glances pene
trate to the very marrow of my bones;
and yet I contrived to keep a bold
front, as 1 stood facing her.
It was rather a curious compliea
ti ni. My mother-in-law had not the
lc:it idea who I was. I had cheerful
ly uiu mieu to take lier Ij y surprise;
but now that the eventful moment had
arrived, my courage, like that of 15ob
Acres, as Jefferson shows him, was
oozing out at the ends of m' lingers.
SIv name is Richard Dalton. I was
then just 21, with a face that was not
absolutely ugly, a sublime audacity
and pockets not particularly well-lined,
and I had just distinguished myself by
running away with a pretty girl from
boarding-school.
"But, Dick," she had remonstrated,
"we've nothing to live on."
"Don't be a goose, darling," had
been my reply. "What do people need
to live on? All the wants of this
world, more or less, are factitious. A
crust of bread and a glass of water
three times a day, and now and then a
suit of clothes we must be poor, in
deed, if we can't manage to compass
that."
Nettie had looked admiringly upon
me, and acquiesced in my argument.
We had taken board at the Angel Hill
Hotel, and began our honeymoon roy
ally. At the end of a month, mine host
had become a little importunate on the
subject of his bill, and Nettie's mother
had written a letter to her, signifying
that she wanted nothing whatever to
do with us. We had made our own
bed, she signified, and now we might
lie on it.
"Oh, Dick," cried Nettie, clasping
ner nanus, "what are we to dor
"Hanged if I know!" was my rather
blank response. "Unt don t cry, dar
ling. I'll go and see her myself."
"you, Dick!"
"I, myself."
"She'll have nothing to say to j'ou
"She can't help herself."
"She'll turn you out of doors."
"We'll see about that."
But. Dick, vou don't knew you
"Come, I like that," said my mother-in-law,
rubbing her hands. "At least
voU are not afraid of work. Do yon
Understand cows and horses?"
"Well not much," 1 owned. "There
were no cattle at my last place."
(Which was very true, for I had been
a clerk in a bank at sfJVK) a year.) "ltut
1 have not 1' 'caof doubt that I could
soon learn, if you would kT'"v shoW
me what is expected of me."
"Can you cut wood?" she asked.
"Certainly," said 1, reilecling to my
self that any fool might do that.
She asked one or two questions
more, which I answered with tlie blind
fatuity which attends youth and con-
I fidence. She seemed pleased with my
willingness to undertake anything and
everything.
"And now about wages," she said
briskly. "What will you ask for yuur
own services and those of your wife
by the month?"
I iitted the tips of my fingers reflec
tively together.
as we are both rather inexpe
rienced," said I, "we 11 agree to work
the lirst month for our board. After
that you shall pa' us what you think
we ate both worth."
"Hum hum!" said my mother-in-law.
"That's a sensible proposition a
very sensible one, indeed. Well, send
for the young woman at once. In the
meantime I'll show you over the place
and explain to you the nature of your
duties."
So I hired myself out to my mother-in-law
as farm hand, without further
ceremony, and immediately wrote and
posted a letter to Nettie. On my re
turn from the post office I met a burly
young man meditating at a spot where
four roads meet.
"Can you tell me.sir," said he "where
Mrs. Abel Martin lives?"
"Oh yes, sir; I can tell you." I re
sponded affably. "But if you're look
ing for the situation of hired man I
may as well tell you that it's filled.
The burly young man made some
remarks, indicative, in a general way,
of his opinion of the fickleness of
womankind and departed, while I re
turned rejoicing to the old farmhouse.
"Here's a very nice beginning," said
I to myself. "It is now my business
to give as much satisfaction as possi
ble."
Fortune favored me, in more ways
than one. My mother-in-law sprained
her ankle on the second day, and I
played cook as well as man-of-all-work
with distinguished success, and I had
the satisfaction of hearing her say to
old Miss Priscilla Perkins that "she
In Uie course of an interview which
the late Cardinal Maniii.ig had to en
1 dure at, the hands of a Klruinl Mifja
zinr reporter tlie old prelate referred
to his boyhood days as follows: "Well,
I if you want me to talk iioii.scn.ic I will
I say that it is a long way back to nt-
member, for I am ... nut i Kpeui my
childhood at Totteridge. A boy ut
Co in bo bank, Christopher Wads
worth, late bishop of Lincoln, and
Charles Wadsworth, bishop of St.
Andrew's, were my playfellows. I
frankly admit I was very mischievous.
The to Wadsworths and I conceived
the wicked intentions of robbing the
vinery. The door was always kept
locked, and there was nothing for il
o enter through the roof. There,
bin . er party that day, but them
was a din.. "Tiiiy is probably tho
were no grapes. -t. thivo future
only casts on record w in.. - W ere
bishops were guilty of 1 irceny . -t..
we punished? No, we were disere.
We gave ourselves up and were "'""
given.
"1 was always fond of rifling, shoot
ing, boating and cricketing. 1 well
remember that with the lirst shot
from my gun I killed a hare. That
shot was nearly the means of prevent
ing me from ever becoming IS.J. My
father's gamekeeper was willi me at
the time, and he was a verv tall.heavv
fellow, with a tremendous hand.
When lie saw the hare fall he brought
that same huge hand down on my
back with all his might and a hearty
'Well done, Master Henry.' His en
thusiasm nearly knocked me out of
the world. My shooting inclinations,
however, once nearly ruined the fami
ly coach in those days, you know, we
used to have great, cumbersome, un
comfortable vehicles. 1 had a battery
of cannons, and my first target was
the coach-house door. One of these
formidable weapons carried a fairly
weighty bullet. Well, I hit the door
the bullet went clean through and
nearly smashed the panel of the
coach.".
AN ACE OF ABBREVIATIONS.
It Cansea tho lall Man to Sigh, bnt
Short Mail Coughed.
thn
it after all other treatment bad failed.
It Is put up in 25 and 50 cent boxes.
BO LINC WATER OR MILK.
7
P P
GRATEUL COMFORTING
O O
Labeled 1-2 lb Tins Only.
BEATTYrTS
H. J.
an. 1'ianos, sag up. Catalogue
Daniel F Reatty Washingion
rggNESSAHBiDSOISKSCURED
ftcfm InTwble Tabalar Bar Cua
WhittMr burd. Com fort mb I e.
Ba.-reoafuiwiiereallremedlrtfai!. Sold by F. HUaax,only,nrC
8S3 trndnj, 5w lark. Writ tar book of pmota lilLC
PARKER'S
HAIR BALSAM
MM Mmd hMnlinaa tt'm kIa
FroDitt m Ibxurmnt grovth.
FailB to Bestore OraT
Curt FPaln 1:h-ac ; hair fiUkur!
"a,nrid l.HUt rtnuyia
A. B. KNOTT
BUSINESS MANAGER.
.r'!l Tnoii. ir kmnu aji ik.irut l'..tu.N
Wiat Lurrcj. Dsbili?v, Indigestion, fain. Take In time. JU eta.
KliilDRCORMS -The onV
hror J! ..in. Uo. at Druggists, or HISCOX CO., N. Y.
How Lost ! How Regained !
"St. George conquered the dragon.
mv love," I asserted, cheerfully, "and
I mean to conquer your mother! So
pack my valise, there's a darling, and
I'll be off before the landlord comes
back from Boston!"
"But, Dick, if he's troublesome, what
can I say to him?" appealed poor little
frightened JVettie.
"Tell him I've gone out of town, and
shall be back in a few days," said I
confidently.
But, valiantly as I spoke, my mental
sensations by no means corresponded
with this bold part. I was beginning
dimly to realize what a very unwise
step I had taken, and also persuaded
poor Nettie to tak. And I was secret
ly making up my mind that if Nettie's
mother refused to receive us, I would
ship myself off to sea as second mate
or third purser, or something of that
sort, send, my advance wages to my
poor little wife, and commence the
world over again in this irregular
fashion.
But when I walked resolutely Tip to
my mother-in-law's door, she greeted
me as if I had been expected for the
last week or so.
you:
was
the
ve come.
?" said.
s
KL' G7 THYSELF.
SOI Cor Fifth and Vine St.
PLATTSMOUTH - .NEBRASKA
wen
DtAMOKO BRMM
rvuis
CmoitetTt Eniumi. lea 0eae$ , ,
c4W v numu
TWr omaiVAL Mto MaHjuat. -- - -
aav aak Tlnapal ar rtialiaur- satfaHa AHaa Bmd ta Beat aad oU aintalMa ' .
mW muM aiaa sisjaaa. ' Tia m Mkar hiatal aaan ffiiimti inn - -
I - a PQ I ! aw,saa -'. m i aiiii jitaa. at Dni or and iac
1 SrSTKS
Or 8EU-PKESEBVATION. A new and only
Gold Medal PS1ZB ES9AT oa NEEVOP8 and
rnigiviUi-'VAnuupn' annvBB or
YOUTH, KXHAtJSTEO VITAiaTT, PRE.
MATTJRK DECXXECcV and all DISEASES
and WEAKNESSES of MAN. 300 pages, cloth.
filt; 186 inTaloable praaeriptiDoa. . Only (a.M
y maQ, double ' aealed. Daafctlptfrti Prospect,
na with endonmnti ntrrl CTftin
of the Press and Toluntarr Ulfc t I Zr!T
testimonials of the cured. I ll&aiaUI NOW.
Consultation in canon or br nuu.- BzMrt treat
ment. INVIOLABLE SECRECY and CER
TAIN CURE. . Addreaa Dr. W. H. Parker, er
The Poabody Medical InstituU, No. TBultTnch St..
Boaton, afaaa.
The Pea body Medical Institute has many Imi-
tawra, om no eqnai. tierata.
lne science of lAIe. or Helf. Preservation, ia a
treaanre more Tamable than i,-'jld. Read It no
every WEAK and NERVOUS man. and learn
oe STKO.Xi . JtrtiM"' Uexi'it. (t'oiiyrightedJ
"Yoii've come, have
salutation.
"Well, yes," I admitted,"!'
"What on earth detained you
she. . ,
In my mind I cast about what to say,
and settled on the hrst convient ex
cuse that came into my head.
"The train was delayed at Bogle-
town," said I.
"Well, come in, now that you're
here," said she. "and get warm. It's
awful cold weather for this time o'
year, isn't it?"
"Kinder." said I, with an assenting
nod.
"Let me sec," said my mother-in-law,
as she took a steaming platter of ham
and eggs out of the oven and lifted a
shining coffee-pot from the stove.
"How old are 3-011?"
"One-and-twenty," said I.
"Do you think," said she, pensively
feeling of her chin, "that you are able
to take care of the place? There's a
deal to do, you know, on a farm like
this. Do vou think voifre up to the
work?''
"Of course I think so," said I, wonder
ing what on earth my mother-in-law
meant.
"You are marrird. I suppose?" said
she.
"Oh. ye." said I, swallowing the hot
coffee and winking mv eyes very hard.
didn't know when she'd taken such
notion to any one as she had to the
new hired man!"
"He's too young and good-looking to
suit me, observed Miss rnscilla pur
sing up her steel-trap of a mouth
"He is good-looking, ain't he?" said
my mother-in-law. "But he's dreadful
handy about the house, and he ain't
one bit afraid of work. And you'd
ought to have seen the oysters he
stewed for my supper last night, and
the cup of tea he made. Why, I don't
miss Jemima Stiles one bit. If only
Nettie could have stayed single till she
met such a man as this" f
I smiled to mvself as I laid out the
kindlings for the breakfast fire. My
accomplishments as "Jack - of - all -
trades" had never done me much good
before. But now they were certainly
winning me some credit in the world.
At the end of the third day she had
told me the whole story of her daught
er s runaway match with "a goou-ior-
nothing young city chap." On the
fourth day she had consulted with me
as to whether it was better to put the
forty-acre lot into oats or rye, and I
had won her heart by taking to pieces
the old hall-clock, which had not gone
for ten years, and restoring it to run
ning order once again.
And on the evening of the same day
Nettie arrived, all blushing and trem
bling.
"Oh, Dick, said she, "is she very
angry.-"'
'My dear, said I, "she hasn t an
idea who I am."
But, Dick"
'No 'buts,' my darling," said I cheer
fully. "Let us be Julius Caesar over
tin. 'We come; we see; we con
quer.
And 1 dragged my unwilling little
wife into the back room, where mv
mother-in-law lay on a sofa, nursing
her ankle.
"Here's my wife, ma'am," said I,
'and I hope she'll give satisfaction."
Mrs. Martin jumped up, spite of the
wounded ankle.
'Nettie!" she cried, in blank amaze
ment.
"Oh, mother, mother!" faltered Net
tie, throwing.both hands around the
old lady's neck, "please
this time, and I'll never,
again."
'Please, ma'am, we'll
added I.
And my mother-in-law relented on
the spot. How could she do otherwise?
'Henrietta," said she, "you've been a
naughty girl there's no denying that.
But your husband seems a hand- man
about the house.and I'm tired of living
here alone. So take off your things
forgive me
never elope
be good,"
"This," said the tall man contem
platively, "appears to be, at least so
far as New York city is concerned, an
age of abbreviations. Everything is
abbreviated, even time, and I may ay
that is the case especially in the pay
ment of notes the time is always too
short."
"May I ask," said the short man.
"what has suggested to you this trend
of thought?" "That," said the tall
man, and he pointed to the advertise
ment of a theater on which, after the
names of the play and the star, was
this mysterious announcement: "Ev'gs.
Mats. Wed. Sat." "There," went on
the tall man, "is a sample of one style
of abbreviations. I can not but think
that that advertisement must be a
source of weariness to the foreigner
who is studying our language and who
attempts, as all of them do, to read
the signs as he walks along the street.
How in the world is he to know that it
means that performances are given in
the evening and at Wednesday and
Saturday matinees? It certainly does
not say so."
"That's so," said the short man.
"At the opera one night, I remember,
a countryman and his wife sat behind
me. The names of the ballet dancers
were printed on the bill as 'Mile.1 So
and So and 'Mile.' So and So. The
countryman, after reading the bill
says to his wife: '"This is funny,
Mary; the front naiyes of all these
gals is Millv.'"
"Yes," said the tall man. "It's very
misleading. But it's not only words
that are abbreviated. Nearly every
thing is abbreviated. Take the pa
tience of my landlord, for instance;
that is abbreviated. And I was pained
to notice this morning that the trou
sers of my youngest son are abbre
viated. Everything, in fact, seems to
be abbreviated, except my appetite."
He sighed. "Cheer up," said the short
man. "I'll cough."
They rose from their seats in the
lobby of the hotel and walked toward
the doors on one of which was the
word "Pull" and on the other the word
"Push." With one accord they pushed
on the pull door and then pulled on
the push door. Both swore, tried it
again, succeeded, and disappeared.
N. f. Herald.
Only a Vy.
before the irate
fine him for con-
He rushed out
magistrate could
tempt.
"Do you know what the uilhcjiltv
with Regensberger was to-day?" asked
one of his friends of the judge after
Court had adjourned.
"No. Must be mad, or ill, or in love.
returned the judge.
"No. Tell me. you uiu not wear
you- cap to-day?"
"Forgot it, and the Hies kept worry
ing me all !ay.
"Well, said the irieuU, "that was
what 'broke up Kegeosberger. When
ever you shook jour head to dislodge
a fly he imagined you were denying
his objections." The Wave.
Blotting paper is
rags boiled in soda.
made of cotton
Visitor "May I consult the liles of
your pacr tor a week hack.-" ir resit
clerk '-Certainly: only I'd advise you
to ue a porous plaster." Lijtu