THE m AMJIUA.Y1 tfMORS ING COURIER
W
iM"J
I
PUiLISHED SATURDAYS
BT TUB
COURIER PUBLISHING 60.
TrNlilxnt iinil Mantr.
Bccrelarjr unit Tnmuror.
W, Morton Hmitii,
Btulnw Olllfo 1134 O Street.
riiono 2M,
TKRMI OF iUMORIPTIONt
TnaCovsiss, one year, In advance... ..,.,. $2.00
Six montln,. 1.00
Throo months... . M
OORRESPONDINOE.
Contribution! ami all eomnmn'stlmis, rU
tit to now unci illlorUl nialtot should be art.
4rrrii. To the milter.
Allbuitnrii lettors anil rcmlttancM alinniil
fa tlrtrCMMl to 1'HaCotJNtKN I'uni.UHlNo ("o.,
Lincoln, Nl. Drafts, eliiM-ks nml puitoHlci
order should bo mad payablo to the order of
the company.
TIIR OOURtKR rUUURHINO CO.
W. MORTON SMITH, lOlTOR.
Ot.KVKt.AND could ronton) confidence
.and bring prosperity to tho ontlro conn
try in slnglo week's tlmoby juat notify
ing his congressional wtldcoltHto lot tho
iarllT alone.
It ih pretty hot woathor, but tho
.anthracite coul combine goes right along
laying lt wirt'M. Tho uttornoy general
of tho United Stilton Ih too busy to boo
Anything wrong in nny of tho grout
monoiK)lloB.
Hkhii Moht, wlio is itguln urging tho
anarchists to unfurl tho rod Hag, is tho
.gentleman who hid under the hod of n
lady friend when tho pollco worn after
lilin a fow yours Hgo. Thoy drugged
Jilnt out and ho served n short timo In
.prison. When tho red Hag in unfurled
Horr Moat will bo out of Bight.
Samukl Fikmikn, tho rolouBod an.
rchiat, aald when ho returned to Old
agot "During my imprisonment It
dawned vion mo that Bllonuo Ib a
.precious thing." Ho therefore doclinod
1o talk oxcept to declare that ho had in
former yoara Bpoutod too muoh, and ho
hould in future try to bo a good eltl
sen. Thh Now York Sun, which repreBontB
the Tammany coiiBclenco and its higher
moral attributes, la now painful ly worrlod
over tho "112,000,000 that tho world's
fair doesn't proposo to return to tho
"United States treasury." When tho
world's fair commissioners got ready to
'Settle they will not trouble Tammany or
its agents and advisers for any opinion
or advice. .
Two worthy gentleman from Dor
muda, members of tho houso of as
sembly, the representative legislature of
the islands, havo como to tho United
States to got tho duty on onions and
potatoes reduced. Tho Bormudans nro
-very much concornod about their access
to our markets. Thoro is a short,
imple, and easy method by which the
Bermudans can effect' for thomsolvos
.not merely a reduction in tho American
tariff, but a total abolition of our cus
toms duties upon the products of thoir
agriculture. They noed not pay a cont
to get their potatoes into the markets of
the United States. Free trade betweon
Bermuda and our Atlantic ports would
be worth millions of dollars to tho people
of the Atlantic islands. Free trade can
be had by Bermuda through the samo
jproceea and under tho samo conditions
as by Canada. Annexation is tho road.
There is plenty of room for Bermuda,
the Hawaii of the Atlantic, undor tho
broad banner of the, groat andoxpan
aive continental republic of tho twen
tieth century.
Thk utter hypocrisy of tho wholo per
formance of the secretary of tho inter
ior is shown in tho statement that ovory
man who is drawing a pension undor
the act for disability must be absolutely
incapacitated for all kinds of labor. The
most glaring caso of tho kind is found
in the person of John C. Black, tho man
elected by Cleveland himself during his
previous administration to take charge
of the pension department. Ho is rated
as a "physical wreck," that is a man re
quiring tho constant attention of an
attendant, and draws 9100 a month on
This allegation of his condition. Yet
Black accepted an appointment at tho
-head of a department, tho work of which
is suficlent to break down a well man,
let alone a "physical wreck," drow his
alary and pension with strict regularity,
nnd la to-day a member of congress, not
withstanding the fact that he ia drawing
one of the biggest pensions paid because
he is supposed to be entirely incapacitated
Sot labor of any kind.
Hoke Smith cannot see a case of this
magnitude because Black is an influ
oatial democrat, but he can relieve his
pits by using his official position to
harass the poor old raained yetran, who
is drawing a pittance from tho govern
ment which he helped to save
from the relatives of Smith, in
order to keep out of the
.almshouse. Congress is full of rebels
-who are drawing pensions for service in
the Mexican war. They are not to be
' -disturbed by thk era of alleged reform,
although they are able to draw a salary
of 9MM a year from the government,
tite? to wreck. No one objects
to M laoaeat review of the pension roll,
lNsttteJe)BtaotV be nude byrebeisj
HIU
M0RNIN6C0URIER
."'xT.yV.I
Opinions of Senator Jones and
Congressman Hendrix.
TWO INTtiltVIKWS UI'ON F1NANCB.
flood llratllng For Thine Who Wluli to
llrar llnlh Side. 'Tim Hollar of thn
Contract" Two 0ioilte but Candid
Vlewa.
(Hrclai Correspondence.
THE SILVER SIDE.
Nkw Your, July 27. 1 saw Senator J.
P. Jones of Nevada this morning nnd
asked him if In his opinion tho purchas
ing clattNO of tho so called Sherman bill
is likely to be repealed during tho coin
ing special session. His answer was as
follows!
"You nro anking mo n very hard ques
tion. What can wo toll nbottt tho fato
of tho bill when all tho powers of pat-.
ronago nro against us? Absolutely noth
ing. But of this you may Ito oortain no
effort will remain nnoxertcd to prevent
the repeal. No stone will Iw left unturn
ed in tho. work of frustrating tho outrago
that Is proposed by tho gold standard
men of tho east. No parliamentary ex
pedient will bo neglected. I do not llko
to Apeak of tho strength of tho silver men
in the senate If fnitlt is kept, I havo rea
son to beUeve that tho repeal of tho bill
will to Btopped there I havo lizard
rumors, of courso, to tho effect that cer
tain well known senators will desort us,
and I havo also heard tho reason for
their desertion montlonod, but as I cannot
bollovo theso rumors truo I will not
mention tho names of theso senators, nor
will I enter into details concerning tho
alleged reasons for their ponding deser
tion of our causo."
"How do you think tho southern Dem
ocrats will vote on tho question of re
peal?" was my next query.
"Again I must say," was his response,
"that I cannot form an opinion in ad
vanco, but can you not aco that wo havo
thorn in very closo quarters? How can
tho repeal of tho Sherman bill bo passed
without tho uso of what is known as tho
cloture? It cannot, and they know it,
and thoy daro not voto to apply it to
us, because in tho past when thoy havo
fought against its application thoy havo
called on tho silver men for co-operation,
and wo havo helped them." And
tho senator's eyes sparkled, and his
cheeks flushed with excitement.
"Are you among thoso who lwllovo
that the clauso demonetizing silver in
the law of 1878 was inserted surrep
titiously?" was my next question.
T wnnlil tmmllv lllrn in auv flint H urna
his reply, "but this much I will say that,
although tho clauso may havo been read
by every one voting upon it, for all I
know, yet I am satisfied that very fow
congressmen understood what that
clause meant, nnd I think that Senator
Sherman himself failod to comprehend
its farreaohing effects."
"Do you think, senator, that tho pur
chase of silver as authorized by the bo
called Sherman law is at tho bottom of
tho present financial distress?"
"No, sir," was tho response. "Bnt I
want yon to emphasize tho fact, al
though it is already known to bo a fact
by all intelligent newspaper readers,
that the silver purchasing law is not
what was demanded by tho silver men.
What we wanted then, as all tho world
knows, and what wo would prefer now
is free coinage of silver. We havo not
the slightest objection to the repeal of
the silver purchasing law, provided
something that will give silver a fair
show is put into its place. But the real
cause of the present monetary stringency
ought to be, it seems to me, patent to
every intelligent mind. The term mon
etary stringency itself tells the story.
The trouble is we have not enough
money in the United States to do tho
business of the United States. The pop
ulation has increased a certain
percentage withlu the past 10 years,
but tho amount of money put in
circulation by the United States
government during that time has
not increased in anything like the
same ratio. You personally know what
is the matter in your case you are short
of money, I am short of money; Smith
and Brown and Johnson and everybody
else is short of money. Wo toil and
sweat and struggle to got enough money
to carry us through today, and we go to
bed at night somewhat relieved because
we have got through today, but in the
morning we awake to find that we are
again short of money and have to go
through the same agonizing experience
again, and so on indefinitely. Now, I
am one of those who hold that tho gov
ernment can make money out of any
thing. It does make money out of pa
per, and unless you are dead broke you
will have some of that paper mado
money ia your pocket now. You much
prefer that paper money to coin, either
gold or silver, for it is more convenient
to carry. 'But' the single standard man
will say, 'tlds paper money is redeem
able in coin.' To be sure it is, but I do
not see why it should not be made re
deemable ia anything, or everything
wheat, corn or other valuable commod
ityand, as everybody knows, I be
lieve that fiat money pure and
simple would answer every purpose
for which money is made, without any
coin reserve of any kind, but we do not
ask that. We ask simply that the faith
of the nation, which was pledged when
the government authorized the stamping
of this paper money with the words 're
deemable in coin,' be kept inviolate. This
is 'the dollar of the contract,' and for it
we will fight during the extra session of
congress that President Cleveland hat
called. This is the dollar you agreed to
pay when you contracted: your debts.
This U tbt dollar you should be allowed
to pay. But if ia obedience to the man
date of the twopeaa powers, backed up
by tbtaettea of the British government
m suspending the coinage of silver ia
India, tkeUahsd States is coMtraiaed
ttv sAoet a tJagU'toU standard everr
tMitor In tlio United States will lw
forced to pity with dollars thnt nro
wjrtli cioio wheat and thnt coHt tnoro
wirry and "went and lull to got thnn
those ho agreed to pay with the dollar
of the contiiict."
THE GOLD SIDE.
Hon. .Joseph C. Ileinlrix, membor of
tho Fifty-third congress and president of
th National Union bank of Now York,
of which E. O. Leech, lato director of
tho United States mint, Is cashier, makes
the following statement:
"Tho strugglo of tho silver mino own
ers and thoto who nro In various ways
interested in tho product to compel the
government to keep in tho market as n
forced buyer of tho whlto metal is a self
ish struggle. It strongly resembles In
Its features tho imperious demands of
the old proslavery party. Extravagant
languago is mod, wild threats nro mado,
and thoro is a general kickup that bodis
no good for n speedy settlement of tho
important financial question now boforo
this country. Every tlmoany interest
has to bo disentangled from govern
mental favoritism tho samo fuss is made,
but in tho long run tho general welfare
of tho ))cople becomes tho supremo law.
Tho Sherman law has now no friend to
do it honor.
"It has hatched so many evils in ad
dition to tho brood of tho Bland bill
thnt ovory ono has a broom raised to hit
at it. Our silver friends jump on it with
vigor at tho samo time that thoy cry for
free coinage of silver. Now no ono who
thinks about tho matter much protends
that tho Sherman law Is responsible for
all of tho present ills, nnd whllo it might
bo interesting it is perhaps not pertinent
to attempt by analysis to search out
other causes. Some of these are world
wide. Thoy affect remoto continents
and islands of tho sea. They follow tho
Anglo-Saxon raco around tho globo as
some diseases follow other peoples.
"Wo might havo pulled through all of
tho adverse currents but for tho distrust
of our financial policy. Europo began
to pay us in our own debts, nnd we havo
lost its custom for our securities. Tho
fear that wo wero going to payback
their money in a depreciated currency
was controlling. Austria took advantugo
of our exposed position to draw off
enough gold to help her got upon a gold
busts. All of tho time wo wero increas
ing our own gold obligations under tho
Sherman law, issued in payment for
silver bars. We received theso bars at
ono end of tho treasury, paid legal ten
dors for them at tho rate of $3,500,000 a
month, and these notes wero at onco
handed in at tho other end of the treas
ury with a demand for gold for export.
"Tho United States was caught inn
trap. Its gold was displaced by silver
so fast that the reserve of $100,000,000
around which n circle of superstitions
reverenco had been drawn in the public
mind was encroached upon, and then
tho process of contraction, of waning
confidence, of distrust of the future, be
gan at homo. The early birds caught
the profits and got out of tho markets.
Liquidation followed. A cold wavo
went rapidly from Now York to San
Francisco and left broken banks and
ruined firms to mark its course. The
treasury department was as helpless as a
Hindoo idol before a pestilence. Its big
stock of silver could not be sold. There
was no law for that. It was useless as
an asset. It could not be used to relievo
anything or anybody. Every day our
gold was being drained away. Hoarding
began and continued.
"We weathered tho dangerous head
land created by tho July interest pay
ments by help of tho free uso of the de
vico of clearing house certificates, and
wo had ono brief moment of hopo in an
ticipation of the special session of con
gress, called to relieve an anxious and
distressed nation. Tho country had ap
parently ropented. It was ready seem
ingly to recant and to insist upon a re
peal of a luw at onco so vicious and so
treacherous.
"Now our silver friends, not at all
sorry for tho ills that havo come from a
compulsory purchaso of their product,
insist that if weceoso to buy it we shall
coin it into dollars make it legal tender
for all debts force it into the hands of
labor. No class of producers in the
world has tho right to make such a de
mand of government. Thoy say that
there has been a conspiracy against sil
ver. Three times our country has asked
of tho world to confer about making
some uso of silver in the currency. We
have failed every time.
"India, our great ally, has withdrawn
from the bootless effort to sustain silver,
and we are left alone nursing our idol.
Yet we are asked to keep up the rolo of
Sisyphus at tremendous cost to our pros
perity. It is a foolish proposition. Wo
must take our position along with other
nations ready to adopt bimetallism
when they are ready, but determined to
keep 'up our credit with them all and to
keep active the factors of prosperity
which we can rely upon to place us in
the front rank. There is no use of talk
ing compromise. That is a device al
ways full of mischief. We must use the
money that the world uses.
"Just as soon as we get upon solid
ground in our finances and the rest of
mankind understand that we are in ear
nest, we will flourish like we ought to do
in this great land. Until we do we will
be at a disadvantage. We have suppli
cated long enough in behalf of silver. It
has lost every other friend. Life is too
short for us to try to make of it any
thing more than it has been voted to be
a defeated candidate for position as a
standard of value."
I. D. Marsuaix.
Aa Anecdote of Justin McCarthy.
The Cork Examiner tells a good story
of a visit which Mr. Justin McCarthy
paid to a secondhand book store not
long since. After offering him in vain
several works of indifferent fiction, the
bookseller finally produced a copy of one
of Mr. McCarthy's own novels, but still
the customer was not satisfied. At last
the bookseller in desperation exclaimed.
"Well, air, if I was a man so hard.to
sease asyou, I'd take to writing bogM
wrmUr " -.1
AT THE WORLD'S Villi
WHAT THE ARIZONA KICKER'S COR
RESPONDENT HAS TO 8AY.
lie Says He Wouldn't Hare MImoiI It For
Anything Thing Old and New Bide by
Hide The ratherly Man In the Art De
partment. Copyright. 1893, by Charles II. Lewis,
Thk WoHLD's FAllt. Our World's fnlr
correspondent writes as follows this week:
I wouldn't have misled It for tho beat
dozen longhorni ever pastured In Arizona.
The fun begins 10 miles away and keeps
growing ou you till you reach the grand
roundup Inside the fence. Don't forget
to take your bottle Inside with you. Illg
gest lot of human critters over corralled In
one snot, and all chewing tho cud of con
tentment and spending money like water.
It's a good deal like wandering through an
Arizona canyon full of surprises. I bucked
right up ag'ln a mummy 7,000 years old tho
very first thing nnd hadn't gone 20 feet
farther when I collided with the governor
of California. You can rub ag'ln a duke
with one elbow nnd a heathen with the
other. You cast your eyes to the right, and
there you behold a rello of the days of
Adam nnd Eve. You cast 'em to tho left,
nnd thero stands the purtlest critter of nn
American gal you ever laid eyes on. It's
a gigantic combination of past and present,
and anything you want you lasso, except
Ico cream and ginger ale,
I stopped before a case containing a
mummy who died In tile year 830 B. O. It
was a woman. I was thinking of bow quick
she could have not spliced In Arizona had
she lived ou till tho present day, when a
feller come along nnd saysi
"It's too durncd bad, ain't it?"
"You betl"
"But this ts a cold and sinful worldr"
"Sho is, for n fact I nln't feelluK cold
iust nt the present time, but I realize that
m as sinful as the rest of the herd."
"Seen any of ber relashuns about?" he
Innocently asks as ho cocks his eye.
"Not In particular not to be dead sure
of it."
"Mebbe they hain't got around to her y It,
but they'll be certain to come. No uso
making 'em feel too bad, eh?"
"No."
Then he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Everything warranted fresh," nnd stuck
it on the case and went away. I thought
It was a Joke till three or four Egyptians
came along and stopped to gaze at the
mum. They had begun to feel bad when
they caught sight of tho slgu, and one of
'em explained It, and they were the tio
kledest lot of fellers you ever sot eyes on.
They seemed to argue that there was a big
chance somewhere for the old gal yet, but
I don't think she'd havo any market vnluo
in our territory.
(rfZ
'ir&Kl
I HELD HIM VP WHILE HE SITED.
In the Turkish department the other day
I saw prayer rugs worth WOO apiece. Would
make pretty fair saddle blankets for winter
use, but It wouldn't be a paying spec to
put 'em ag'ln the regular article at 13
apiece. I was trying to figure 000 worth
of prayer meeting out oi one of 'cm when
I run ag'in a galoot from Montana. He
sniffed around till be got my scent and
then said:
"Too rich fur my sort o' prayln, but I'm
lookin fur sunthln that might be wuth the
money. Klu you talk Turk?"
"Not unless it's properly branded. What
do you wautr"
"It I kin strike a Turkish bath that don't
come too high, I'll take It home to show to
the boys, though I reckon the blamed crlt-
am will linrrl. finnHn t. tfc ttm fnat. tMlicr "
Nobody should try to "do" the Turkish
department under half an hour. If he's In
a hurry for a drink, he should go out and
get It and come back and take up the trail
where he left off. Those Turks do have the
knack of twisting carpet rags into a rug In
a way a Yankee can never hope to catch on
to, and the older and dirtier the rug the
higher her easb value. I saw one rug made
up of old blue and red flannel shirts S00
years ago. The dogs and children had been
playing on it ever since, and the price was
$1,630. Five hundred years hence that rug
will be a regular gold mine. In going
through the art department I found a paint
ing called "The Dying Cowboy." While I
was sizing her up along comes a fatherly
old man and says:
"It's dreadful, ain't itf"
"Yes."
"No mother to close his eyes."
"No."
"But he thought of her In bis last mo
ments?" "Not a doubt of It, uncle."
"And the Door woman will never have
the consolation of looking upon his gravel
How sad these sad things arc! Have you
any objections to my leaning on your shoul
der while I shed a tearr"
I held him up whtla he shed, and he
thanked me kindly and changed his graz
ing ground. After he had gone I missed
my watch chain, but a critter bad got the
watch several days before. I shall put In
at least IS minutes more In the art depart
ment before I am through, making about
60 In alb They have been to so much pains
and expense to gather all this stuff together
that all visitors ought to feel it a duty to
spare at least 15 minutes to the depart
ment CARL DUNDER.
A rw Jokes That Ha Is Not Vary Wall
Up On.
"Sergeant, I like some advice maybe,"
said Mr. Dunder aa he called on the fat
pollea sergeant the other afternoon with a
worried expression on his countenance.
"Well;"
"A man comes In my pises and says to
ess, 'Mr. Dunder, vby doaa' dey put some
f y somas ia der windows of state prisonf
. I eaa't sell Urn vhy net. and as laugh hawl
bawl haw) mad says, 'laesnsa dost folks
?-rrg?"r?rV
11
JUST RECEIVED!
Tlie Iiifnntn ISislrillo MnllofM.
'JFlio I3.ilco "Vorcifcet-tci oilorss
Tlio Vnontlon ft-tllore,
Tlio World's l?ir fSctilo.
IvCi-wi-i TemiiM 4rtiloiMa
Above Sailors Trimmed or Untrimtned, in all Colors
From 49 cents up, at the
Funke's
Opera House
Corner.
vuus already too ny I' lias a man any right
to come around und shpenk to me llko dot
and laugh in my fuco like a horaef "
"No."
"I vhas reading my paper vhen a stran
ger comes In mlt an ax on hlsshnulder und
looks all around und says, 'Vliell, I like to
get a shob.' I donn' have no shobs for him,
und he says: 'If you donn' hat s,me chop
ping to do, vhy (lo you keep a chophouseP
Hawl liawl lmwl' Vhas dot a shoke, ser
geant?"
"1 can't see it in that light."
"Nor I either. Dots iler law say a man
can do like dot by me'
"No. What eWf'
"Yhell, a hllarioiiH young man conies in
und says he tikes to rthpi-ak mlt mo In con
fidctico. I guiN mlt him In a corner, und ho
vhlspers In my ear, '.Mr. Duiuler, vhy do
you go flshingr' Vhell, I can't tell dot, you
know, und he lauuliHundlaunhsund winks
his eyes und uet1 ml In der face und says:
'Vhy, to catch nMi, of course. Hawl hawl
hawl' Sergeant, does der law allow a man
to do like dot cm my piemlne.ir"
"There U no law about It. Ih that nil?"
"Oh, not Two days a stranger comes
along und looks at mv fiont door a long
time. By und by he comes In und looks
all around und whispers, 'Mr. Dunder,
what vhas der deefcrence between a tailor
and a telegraph post?' I think of dot
more ash 10 minutes und can't tell him,
und he squints oop his eyes und says: 'Vhy,
one supports der wires, und der other sup
ports his family. Hawl hawl hawl' Ser
geant, vhas dere somo shokes in dot?"
"No."
"Does der law gif dot man a right to
como in und shump on me like dot?"
"Hardly."'
"Vhell, she goes llko dot most every day,
und I vhas all tired out. Only dls ruornln
a feller shtonds in my door und yells, uud
HL
"VHT DO TOO OO FISHIKOf"
vhen I get mad be says: 'Dot vhas all right,
Mr. Dunder. I vhas a cooper by trade, und
it vhas my peesness to whoop 'er up all der
time.' Haf I got some right to p'otect my
self, sergeant?"
"You have no right to kill any one."
"Oh, not not I sbust p'otect myself. I
goes home, und pooty queek a feller comes
In und looks under der tables und oop at
dor ceiling und says to me, 'Mr. Dunder,
vhat vhas der deeference between a man on
horseback und a girl up a tree?' Und den
I shump for him und mop him around on
der floor und break bis back on der tables
und pitch him out on der sidewalk und
say. 'Because if you como in here once
more you vhas a dead man.' Hawl hawl
hawl"
A PROSPECTOR'3 LUCK.
She Had Ma Trouble nt AU to Find n Lov
ing Husband.
We were camped alongside of an emi
grant train in Nebraska, and Just after sup
per a woman about 40 years of age, who
was smoking a pipe, came over to our fire
and sized the crowd up and said:
"I've got sunthln to say. I'm a plain
spoken woman. When I've got a thing on
my mind, I don't beat around the bush."
We looked at ber with curiosity and sur
prise, and she leaned against the wheel of a
wagon and continued:
"I've bin a widder fur three years. Over
thar I've got a span of mewls, a good hoss,
a new wagon filled with housekeepin stuff,
and I kin rake up about WO in cash. I cum
along with the party to tako up a claim.
I'm good tempered, healthy and kin swing
an ax or hold a plow with most anybody.
As I said, I'm a plain spoken woman. If
thar's a critter among you who wants to git
married, let him stand up while I take a
look at him."
TBI IUVEV Or US STOOD Cf.
The 11 of us promptly steed up.
"Git inter line," she continued, with a
wave of her hand. "I hain't after beauty
or eddeeashun, but I eaa't take up with a
feller who'd sheer a wolf to death.''
She passed down the Una and then re
tnraed half way and' said to a middle aged
iM aMoalngtow
i fc
- i i mw.
Corner
O and Twelfth
Streets.
"You'll do, I reckon. Thar's a preacher
In camp, and 'twon't take 13 minutes to set
tle things. All of you as want to see the
marrying como on."
We followed the couple, who were made
mnu and wife inside of 'id minutes, and next
morning as we passed the wagon on t' n
road the woman looked out and bowed and
said:
"Sorry fur the other 10 of ye. but perhaps
you'll meet up with another train soon and
strike luck "
SHE HAD BEEN SCOOPED IN.
And tin' NtritliKr From Gordon'a Corners
Iinil Nothing- Mure tn Say.
I Imd hi'eu talking with the colored man
at tin nflici of the oil mllN for some little
time when a tall and ancient looking Afri
can v earing a buttered plug hat and shoes
badly run nverat the heels came up, turned
In from the middle of the highway and ob
served: "I reckon yo' knows moV of do folks
around yeref"
"Iteckon I does, sail," replied the porter
as ho drew himself up very ml My.
"My name am Thompson de Hev. Stoses
Thompson from Gordon's Co'ncrs, 'tuben
miles souf."
"Yes, sah."
"Did yo' happen to know a pusson ye re
named Perkins Sam Perkins?!'
"I did, sah. Yo' mean de Bam Perkins
who dun died las' fall?"
"Yes. I uuderatandH he left a wldder."
"He did, sah a wldder an fo' chlllen."
"I furder understands," continued the
Rev. Thompson as he rubbed his hands to
gether, "dut de wldderamawery 'spectable
pusson."
"Yes, sah, she am."
"An de fo' chlllen am mighty nice chll
len 1"
" 'Zactly, sah Vactly."
"An I am toled datde husband left 12,030
life Insurance!"
"He did, sah, an I'ze seen de money wld
my own eyes."
"Hul Jist sol Could jo' ilnt Is, would.
It be axln too much dat Is, could yo' pint ,
me out de bouse whur dat wldder am re
sidln jist at present?"
X ' .
U
I .
'-AS?'
V
"TO' AM TOO LATEl"
"Yo' am too Intel" answered the porter as
be solemnly shook his bead.
"Too late fur what?"
"To git dat widder an her 13,000. She
has dun bin scooped inl"
"Why, her husbaud has skassly bin dead
fo' months!"
" 'Zactly, sah 'zactly; but he had skassly
bin dead fo' weeks when de undersigned
laid his heart at de widder's feet an was
'cepted, an we was dun married three weeks
ago. Ole man, yo' make 83 pussons who
hev bin around yere to inquar about dat
wldder. Sho am well She am happy. Sho
weighs ober 200 pounds an am galnin on
dat. Was dere anythin mo' yo' wanted to
ax about befo' yo' took de middle of de
road to walk dem 'leben miles back to Gor
don's Co'ners?"
"No, sah no, sah nuffln mo', sah nufftn
mo' I" hurriedly replied the good man, and
be pulled down his hat, drew a long breath
and started up the dusty road on a dog
trot, which soon carried him out of sight.
J M. Quad.
Getting Bendy to Spit.
The large, rough man from the moun
tains, with a pot of money on bis person.
was resting comfortably la an easy chair at
the Auditorium In Chicago, lazily watch
ing the "help" tidying up tha writing
room.
"So," he said to the menial, "you call
this hotel the Auditorium, do you?"
"Yes, sir."
"And you call one of them show build
ings at the fairgrounds the Spectatorlum?"
"Yes sir,"
"Well," and he stretched himself out a
little farther, "s'pose you shove one of
them expectorstorlums over this way, I
want to take a chaw of the weed." New
York Sun.
The Misting Linn.
The hand organ has often been voted a
nuisance, but never before probably for the
reason that It set up too high a standard.
Edith bad been to church for the first
time.
"And what did you think of It?" asked
her mother.
"I didn't like the organ very welL"
"Why not?"
" 'Cause there wasn't auy monkey with
it." Harvard Lampoon.
Making His Speech Plain.
At a meeting held la one of onr local
ohurches not long ago a flashily dressed In
dividual arose and said: "usnulum, I
dropped lato dls meeting promiscuously,
and I shall to brief, but short, an I want It
understood in my talk dat de slsteria am
aa maeh personalised as de hredria."
estagdeU (Jnsss.) finable.
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