CAPITAL CITY COURIER, SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 1892
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lOUUl
A MISFIT THANKSGIVING.
BY WAI.T MARO.V.
lOopyrlght, IKC, bjr American
I'lws Awiocla-
lion. I
CHAPTER I.
TUB OOVnil.NOH'H 1'ltOCI.AMATION.
"Jim," suld tlio filltur of Tlio Our.otto
to tlio blond foreman, "hero's tlio gov
ernor's Thanksgiving proclamation. Can
yon run it in toduyV"
"I reckon."
"All light; 1 don't know of anything
Hint would tm moro interesting reading
to ino. And why? Beonuso I understand
Mr. Wnrdwoll will invito noma friend
to dlimor on Thanksgiving, and I tell
you, James, tliuro'H no man now living
can nrrnugosiich u repast us tlio tirbuno,
getilnl mid accomplished Theophilus
Wnrdwoll; IiIh dinners are songs with
out words; tlioy licat tho dreams of pro
foHslonal lotus vnturs, and hi Thanks
giving dinner will lo n ruvulntiou In
roast turkey mid it symphony in pump
kin iiio."
"1 h'iioso you'll bo there?"
"If I'm not it'll bo because thin poor,
lisping, stammering tonguo lies silent in
tho grave. Ho nlwnys invites tho sumo
people, nnd 1 am 0110 of thorn. When
ho reads tho govurnor'n proolnmntlon ho
will nit down and writo iuvitatioiiH to
his ohoRcn frlendfl, nnd tlio chosen
friends will look forward to tho day with
longing.1'
"Do you wnnt to rend tho proof when
this is in type?"
"DO YOU WANT TO I'.HAD THE PIlOOFr
"1 guess not, Jim: look it over your
self." And it was by this delegation of ono
of his important functions to n Hubordl
unto that tho editor of Tho Uazetto filled
ono homo with woo and created tho
chaos which mndu this narrative possible
CHAPTER II.
A UANQUKT HAM, DKHEHTKU.
Tho stuteliest turkey that evor in
haled tho puro nir of freedom was ready
for tho teeth of tho hungry. Tho noblest
pumpkin that overgrew oun vino undent
benevolently smiling sun had been ro
ducod to pies, and was nlso ready for
tho furnished, nnd tho board fairly
groaned with tho other sundries which
constitute a thoroughly appropriate
Thanksgiving dinuor, but tho host, tho
master of all tho splendor, tho designer
of tho olubornto feast, was not happy.
There wus sorrow in tho heart of
Theophilus Wnrdwoll. Sorrow and
anxiety nnd wonder had nbsoluto con
trol of him, nnd his wife was weeping
in tho shadows, nnd tho dining room
was filled with gloom. Tho dinner
hour hud passed nnd tho invited guests
had not arrived. Tho remorseless clock
on tho wall kept measuring off seconds
with inexorublo regularity, and still
thero camo no ring nt tho doorbell.
"Rachel," said Mr. Wnrdwoll to hU
sobbing wife, "I'll wait just ton minutes
longor, nnd then if our friends do not
coino we'll cat all wo can and givo the
balanco of this feust to tho poor 'or send
it to tho heathen. It is a sorrowful old
Thanksgiving day for us. Wo expected
a feast of reason and a flow of soul, and
havo only a waste of. loneliness and woe.
I don't understand it."
ft
"I'll wait just ten minutes longer."
"It's horridly, Bhnmofnlly awful,"
moaned Mrs. Wnrdwell. "I'll novor
smilo again."
"I wish yon would never groan again.
Things are bad enough without your
lamentations. Let us fnll to; let us bo
as grateful as wo may under tho circum
stances. Tlio time is up."
And so that sorrowful pair aat down
in gloomy grandeur and ato aa best they
conld, but it was a mirthless banquet
and soon over.
The absence of Mr. Wardwell's friends
waa the most inexplicable thing in the
world. He waa renowned as tho most
graceful of hosts; his dinners were
poems; his wife was charming; bis home
was a marvel of comfort and conven
ience. When the governor's proclamation
appeared in The Gazette, announcing
that the 20th of November would bo ob
served as Thanksgiving day, Mr. Ward
well, after due consultation with his
wife, wrote beautifully worded letters
to his friends asking them to take din
ner with him on the eventful day to
use his own modest words, "Join mo in
a Thanksgiving lunch in my homo."
That able man, the editor of ThoGa-
sette, was invited. Who has not hoard
of the editor of Tho Gazette? Ho it was
who wrota tho stirring article entitled
"Whither Aro Wo Drifting?" which cre
ated consternation from ocean to ocean,
and placed tho writer upon tho pinnacle
of fame at tho early ago of forty. It
was customary with Mr. Johns, the ed
itor, to repeat tho f utnous editorial from
i
A i
ybJk 1 I VwS
memory at dinner pai ties, and in iiih re
ply to Mr. Wmdweir.i Invitation ho hud
explicitly stated that ho would deliver it,
word for word, uh it was originally writ
ten, immediately after tho dinner,
Mr. Stiver, tho musician, had nlso
been invited, You all know about tho
illustrious Air. Htlvor, who comjiosed ro
many delightful songs and sang them ho
irresistibly to enchanted nudienecH. His
pleturo .was printed in tho local papcrw,
and it is altogether unreasonable to sup
pose that you havo not '"aeon (it. When
over Mr. Stiver ato dlntierat Mr. Ward
well's ho invariably roViduVod several of
his most charming soloctifcns, and ho
had written Theophilus that nothing
short of an epldemio would keep him
away on Thanksgiving day.
Dr. tihndley hud also received mi In
vitation, and had answered that ho
would do himself tho honor to lw nt the
appointed place promptly, adding face
tiously that his apietito would Ikj con
cealed about his jwrson. The doctor
was tho motit interesting and amusing
story teller in tho civilized world. It
wus tmito Impossible to listen to ono of
his nuecdotes without being convulsed
with laughter, and since ho hud made
tho Wnrdwoll homo echo with merri
ment tlmo and time again his absence
on this occasion was beyond all human
understanding.
Professor Snell, of tho university, had
been invited as well and hud remained
away, as hud tho others. Tho professor
mudo Mr. Wardwell's house almost his
Jioino. It wiut in tho little blue room
overlooking tho garden that he mudo
those admirable translations of Horace
which havo astonished tho litterateurs
of two hemispheres. His erudition wasa
beautiful element of a Wnrdwoll din
ner; it furnished n solid background for
tho frothy mirth of tho doctor, nnd tho
languishing songs of tho musician, nnd
tho brilliant sentences of tho editor.
These gentlemen who huvo been enu
merated had been expected with their
wives, and several other gentlemen with
their wives had been expected, and con
sequently it was no wonder that Tho
ophllus and Rachel Wnrdwell woro
plunged in bitterness when they were
obliged to out uloue.
"It is the most humiliating day of my
life," siiid Mr. Wnrdwell. "1 can only
think of one thing for which 1 should
bo thankful, and that is that my busi
ness does not take mo out of tho house.
I would be ushumed to look a human
being in tho face if 1 hud to go on the
street. Crying won't do any good.
Itnchol 'weep no moro, my lady, weep
no moro today." Give tho servants in
structions to dispose of theso viands in
any way they choose, and then lot us try
to forget this uppulling occasion."
And Mr. Wnrdwoll went bravely to
his library and endeavored to bury his
sorrow by studying "quaint and curious
volumes of forgotten loro."
CHAPTER III.
THE COMINO OK THE GUESTS.
For several days following that mom
orablo fiasco of n dinner Mr. Wnrdwell
led tho life of u rccluso. Ho was u regu
lar contributor to a great uiagazino, and
his articles all treated of travels in for
eign and unheard of countries. Tho fact
that his descriptions of tho mnnners and
customs of tho Hindoos mid Bedouins
nnd Malays were singularly truo to life
is all tho moro remarkable becauso he
had never been away from his native
village, nnd u month or two after tho
dato of this story ho received a personnl
letter from tho editor of tho magazine
complimenting him upon his realistic
description of tho burning and eating of
a European traveler by n cannibal. Ho
wrote this story during tho sad days fol
lowing tho wrecked dinnor.
Mrs. Wnrdwell was inconsolable. 1'oor
woman, sho couldn't find relief by writ
ing articles about people sho had never
heard of, nud sho begun to grow pale
and was tilled with a nervous horror of
meeting nny body, and sho imagined that
sho was tho laughing stock of tho town.
Nearly a week hud elapsed, and her
sorrow was u3 heavy if not so hysteric
as evor, when ono day thero wus an en
thusiastic ring nt tho doorbell. There
Kra8n't a servant in tho house; she must
lither open tho door herself or havo her
husband do it, or leavo it unopened,
tfho decided to adopt tho husband plan.
Bho wouldn't havo opened it herself, for
Iho was morally certain that sho would
bo confronted by some heartless mocker
Who would shriek with luughter over
her disastrous dinnor, and so she called
her husband. That brave man with n
levero faco went to tho door and oponed
It, and fnirly shook with rngo and won
der. Whut manner of refined insult wus
Uls?
Standing beforo him, smiling as bland
ly as though.thoy hadnever grievously
ind wuntonlywouuded him to tho quick,
Koro tho men nud women ho had iu
rlted to his Thanksgiving dinner 1 Thoro
tvns tho doctor, fairly bubbling over
With mirth and good humor; nnd tho
tweet singer, with u roll of musio undor
Ids arm; and tho editor of Tho Gazette,
hompods in tho knowlcdgo that ho, and
no only, was the author of that sublimo
srtlclo, "Whither Are Wo Drifting!"
and their wives woro with thorn, and the
other men who had been invited were
there with their wives! It waa ovidently
a conspiracy to humblo and crush and
wreck tho lifo ef Theophilus WurdwelL
torn moment he seemed disposed to
slain tho door in their faces, but he
arrested tho motion of his arm. Then It
looked as thoush he would turn loose
tho simoom of his wrath, but tho wordss
uiea on uis lips, and be ended by invit
ing them all to walk in, smiling sar
donically, and "every one know that
lomo ono had blundered." He led the
processlou into the parlor and thea call
ed his wife, who joined him in a maxo
of bewilderment. And when tho guests
were all seated, equally stupefied with
wonder, Mr. Wardwell faced them and
wid, with magnificent sarcasm:
"Ah I And so you havo corao in re
sponse to my invitation? I regret to say
that you havo conio too lato to partake
of my turkoy or plo, but you huvo como
in time to tench mo a valuable lesson.
After this, when I want my friends to
call on me on New Year's, I'll usk them
to come on Christ maa: if 1 desiro to see
them on the Fourth of July, I'll ask
them to visit mo on Easter Hunday, and
when 1 wnnt gathering on Thanksgiv
ing day I'll iooify Oeorgo Washing
ton's birthday us the dato for tho ossein-
binge.
"This is Thursday, ladles and gentle
men. Well, lust iii(iiiy flirs. waruweu
nnd 1 hud a some whut wholesomoropnst
prepared for you all, and wo waited and
waited for your coming until our hearts
allied with disappointment, but we
should havo lieeu pnriont.I soo; wo were
altogether too hasty. If wo had only
waited six dayo longer, you would havo
been with us. A triflo liko six days
would havo caused uh uo iticonvonlenco
whatever, but wo wero so thoughtless."
Mr. Wardwell paused for breath, nnd
tho professor took ndvuntngo of tho lull
to say:
"Thero it somo gross misunderstand
ing here. You invited us to eat Thanks
giving dinner with you, and hero wo
aro. Hut as for mo, I did not como to
bo insulted."
"You nro correct in saying thnt 1 in
vited you to como on Thanksgiving day.
Then why, may 1 ask, didn't you como
on Thnnksglvlng day?"
"Why," responded tho professor, in rt
dazed way, "this is Thanksgiving day!"
"Certainly It Is," chorused tho doctor,
nnd tho editor, and tho musician; "this
is Thursday, Nov. 20."
"No ono questions thnt," cried Mr.
Wardwell, with bitter irony, "and to
morrow is Friday, the 27th, and I huvo
excellent reason, to believo thnt tho fol
lowing day will bo Snturdny, tho 28th
lu fact, 1 shouldn't bo surprised if Sun
day turned out to bo tho 20th. But how
do you mako out that this is Thanks
giving day? Hero is Tho Gazette, with
tho governor's proclamation in cold type,
nnd It rends 'Nov. 20.' Does tho govern
or's proclamation count for anything,
or is it meroly n vain ceremony nn
empty formality?"
Beforo any ono could spenk n hollow
groan was heard. It camo in all its
intensity from tho lips of tho editor of
Tho Gazette Ho wus reclining upon a
loungo, breathing with difficulty. Tho
doctor rushed to his rcscuo with a caso
of surgical instruments, but tho editor
waved him away and moaned:
"Oh, what n misfortune! A malison
upon that billons, blear eyed foroman
or mino! To think that nil this should
como of allowing him to rend a proof!
Mr. Wnrdwell, and nil of you," ho said,
rising to his feet, "wo aro tho victims of
a scrawny printer whom 1 Intrusted
with tho governor's proclamation nnd
tho reading of tho proof. Uo placed tho
figures '20 where '20 should havo lieen.
Mr. Wardwell made nil tho prepara
tions on tho 20th, nnd wo, who probably
never read tho proclamation, arranged
to visit him on tho 20th. I can only say
tliut us tho editor of Tho Gazette 1 will
discharge the printer without a recom
mendation, and that us a man who has
blood in his veins I'll either punch lib
head or perish in tho attempt."
When tho editor's explanation was
concluded thero wns an ora of silence.
Then Mr. Wnrdwell turned to his wifo
with ft ghastly smilo nud snid:
"Rachel, Is there anything to cat in
tho house?"
"Scarcely n thing."
"Ladies and gentlemen, will you ns
sist mo in devouring such remnants of
groceries ns Mrs. Wardwell can consoli
date into n dinner?"
"Mr. Wnrdwoll," said the doctor, with
emotion, "n bowl of wnter, with a crust
of bread, would bo a feast in your homo.
Tho flow of intellect, sir the flow of
reason, as It wero, Mr. Wnrdwoll tho
intercom so of kindred minds atono for
all deficiencies in the matorinl nw er
In short, Mr. Wnrdwell, nnythlng will do
for u dinner, nnd we'll bo doubly thunk
ful today that tho slight cloud which
darkened tho horizon us wo came in
bus glvou placo to tho sunshiuo of ei
to tho Bunsl.lue, Mr. Wnrdwoll."
CHAPTER IV.
THE DINNER.
Thoy do say that thero never was such
a Thanksgiving dinner in all the coun
try as the ono enjoyed by tho guests of
Mr. Wnrdwell. Thero wus no turkoy,
nor was there a pumpkin pie, and con
sequently tho bill of faro wouldn't in
terest you. But tho lonely dinner of
nearly n week before becamo a topic of
mirth nnd reminded the doctor of about
a dozen of tho funniest stories Imagi
nable, so that tho ladies laughed until
thoy cried. And tho musician fairly
surpassed himself in singing that touch
ing ballad of his own composition,
"When Mary to the Dentist Goes,"
which is now f world wido celebrity;
and tho professor discoursed so admira
bly lit tho foibles and idiosyncrasios of
tlio second Ramesis that ho was voted
tho most interesting speaker who ever
enlivened a Thanksgiving party; and
the editor of Tho Guzetto recited bio
famous article with unusual fervor, bo
that somo of tho Indies wept ngnin.
Tho dinnor lusted two hours, and
when it wns over thero was heard a
ring at tho doorbell, and who should
have dono tho ringing but tho foroman
of Tho Gazette, whose doom had boon
pronounced. He had come to call tho
editor away on important business, and
it. was quite affecting to Bee that ablo
man embrace his subordinate and say:
"Your wages are raised two dollars n
week. By one of yonr blunders yon
caused Mr. Wardwell's dinner to be a
misfit, but there never was a nobler
dinner than I have bad today." )
. .. T 1
He You look sweet enough to klaa la
that gown.
She I have several more just like It.
Cloak Review.
Sfsus of vrintar.
Whsh a buy, listless feeling
Qoea creeping through your bonas.
And the murdered pigs are squealing
With their HKouuiina groan;
When aaunuge making time haacome.
And big bnukettleatiMiiter
Above the genial outdoor blaze,
Chock full of Hpple butter:
When the irku of Ilv In fntltug
And the price of coul In hleh,
Then )ou can bet your hat nnd boots
That winter' drawing nigh.
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