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CAPITAL CITY COURIER SATURDAY NOVEMBER 5, 1892
MARKT WAIN IN IRONS
THE HUMORIST TRIED BEFORE AM
ADMIRALTY COURT AT SEA.
round Guilty ol' UiinrlriitMo Lying
Sentenced to llciul for Threo Hours Kverjr
Day from III Own Worki SportUr
Proceed In if 011 1111 AII1111II0 Miter.
New Yoiik, Nov. . It won In tho
month of July lust Unit Murk Twain wan
put in irons mill brought beforo an ad
miralty court UKn Korlous charges. The
tory of that experience in tho lifo of
tho fatuous humorist lnw just been
brought back to this country by ROtno of
thoso who witnessed tho trial anil who
saw Mark Twain in chains, ami nothing
he has ever written contains moro hu
morous RtiKKt-'stioim than doos this story.
Among Mark Twain's follow passon
gers uiH)ii tho utoiuutihip Lahu woro ox
Judgo Dittenhoefer, of Now York; Syd
ney Webster, of Boston, an otuiuont law
yer; James T. Walluch, a prominent
merchant of Now York city, and u party
of twelve Yalo students, among them
boine tho fatuous football champion of
Yale, Mr. McClung.
Mark Twain had mado merry with tho
passengers. Ho told somo of his most
extraordinary stories, which, whilo thoy
had tho appearance of having oc
curred to him at tho moment, ho in
sisted woro veritable chronicles, nnd as
incredulity prevailed among tho passcn-
31 AUK TWAIN IN IttOS.
gers it was at last publicly declared that
Mark Twain was "in his capacity as a
story teller an inordinate and unscien
tific liar." Tho humorist resented these
accusations, insisting that if in any of
his published narrations thero appeared
to bo anything which justified such ac
cusation ho had written it in moments
of irresponsibility or insanity, and lie
declared that ho was willing to stand
trial upon theso charges.
Captain Dampfer, who has tho power
of an autocrat upon his ship, authorized
a court of admiralty to bo organized, of
which Mr. Dittenhoefer was appointed
judgo. Mr. Walhich was choson by tho
court counsel for prosecution, and Mark
Twaiu selected tho eminont lawyer, Mr.
Webster, counsel for the dofonso. Tho
Yalo students were impaneled as jurors,
and Mr. McClung was made foreman.
Tho court was held on tho evening of
July 14 in tho great saloon of tho steam
ship. Judgo Dittenhoefer took his seat
on tho bench, and ho never looked moro
stern when ho was serving us judgo in
a Now York city court. Tho jury were
seated in u box to tho right of tho judgo,
and tho counsel were gathered at a
table, and near them were tho witnesses
for tho prosecution and tho defense.
After tho court was opened Judgo Dit
tonhoefcr instructed tho sheriff to bring
the prisoner in. Tho clanking of chains
was heard, and a moment later Mark
Twaiu, witli disheveled hair, witlt shuf
fling step because tho ship's irons hung
heavy on his legs, and with his wrists
inclosed in handcuffs, was brought in
and placed in tho prisoner's dock.
At a command front tho judge the
irons were removed, and tho trial began
with a speech from tho prosecuting offi
cer, in which ho declared tltut ho should
prove that Mark Twaiu had boon guilty
of inordinate and unscientific lying.
Hero tho prisoner bent his head to
conceal his emotion apparently, and
seemed to bo sobbing. Miss B. It. Dit
tenhoefer was called as tho first witness.
She read extracts from Mark Twain's
description of tho jumping frog. The
jury looked very solemn whon this evi
dence was introduced, and Mr. Webster,
tho counsol for tho dofutiho, on cross ex
amination demanded of tho witness
what thero was unscientific in this lie, if
it was a lio, and she replied that al
though it caused people to laugh they
smiled at tho improbability of tho ntor ,
and added that thero was nothing funny
in tho suggestion of filling tho stomach
of a frog with shot to prevent its making
u jump, and thereby causing its owite.
to lose 11 bet.
Mr. K. I). Cheuey, being summoned
as a witness, produced one of Mail;
Twain's books and read from it his as
sortiou that ho dropped a tear upon tho
tomb of Adam. When asked by Mr.
Webster what thero was unscientific
about that lie, if it was a lioj Mr. Cheney
replied that tho world know that Mark
Twain never wopt and never mado any
ouo else weep. If ho had written that
ho searched tho vicinity for tho tomb of
Eve or had exhumed Adam's remains,
that ho might discover which rib wa
taken for tho creation of Eve, that would
have been an entirely scientific and la
tioual undertaking ut Adam's tomb.
Other witnesses lead extracts from
"Huckleberry Finn" and quoted from
tho exploits of Colonel Mulberry Sellers
anarrated by Mark Twain to proo that
tho accusation that thu various humor
ous lies there narrated were uiiscioutitU',
and therefore improbable, and then tho
Tho defense was insanity or lriospon
nihility, and the two ship's phjuU'liiiiii
were put upon tho stand, each of whom
testified that in all thuiriwpi'iietimthoy
had never m-t a man who talked so ir
rationally as Mark Twaiu did. They
declared that tho stoties lie told them
had not one grain of probability, and
they indicated an abnormally JUaotuiod
condition of his mind.
Mark Twain himself was put Jpon tho
stand. Ho testified that ho had no recol
lection of ever having written anything
about a jumping frog, and that he felt
like smiting the men and women who
camu to him nial told him, as thousands
of them did, tLat tho jumping frog wan
tho funniest story thoy over had lead.
Ho testified that if ho ever said that ho
wopt at the tomb of Actum it must have
been in moments of hallucination, since
his emotions at tho diccoveiy of that
tomb would certainly havo been tlnwnof
Ho at tucked t testimony "f Mr
Cheney, declining .nit ho was unworthy
of belief as u witue "Why," until lie,
"I met Cheney's ,yit u fow dayM lie
foto I sailed and he told mo that his sou
was being sent to Liuiopn to cure him
of a mania for ptevaricatiou Not long
ago that young man disappeared from
his homo for several days, When he
enmo back in a shamefaced manner
his father said
"Where have you IwiMif"
"1 have been hunting bear."
"Well, if you killed any boar I shall
not punish you; but if you did not hill
any. then I shall banish you to Euros
for awhile How many did you kill?"
"I shot 180'. bears, father."
"You are a falsifier You havo mixed
up tho year of our Lord with your bear
shooting exploits You will havo to go
to Carlsbad to bo cured."
When Mark Twain finished this anec
dote the prosecuting attorney declared
that ho had been convicted out of hi"
own mouth, for tho anecdote itself was
an unscientific lie, Insomuch that Mark
Twain had mentioned hour as tho game,
whereas ho should havo said fish.
Everybody expects that n fisherman
will exaggerato thu number of fish
caught, but nobody ever know a bear
hunter to do it. The jury convicted
tho culprit without leaving their scats,
and Judge Dittenhoefer was called
upon to impose sentence. He com
manded Mark Twain to stand up, and
ho declared that for the first time a
jury of his peers had formally nnd very
properly on tho evidence found him
guilty of unscientific lying. Ho should
therefore sentenco hitu to read for
threo hours every day from his own
works until tho steamer readied port.
As sentenco was prououncod Mark
Twaiu groaned, and then, falling on his
knees, implored tho judgo in these words:
"Anything but that I Hang mo if you
will, but do not compel mo to read my
own works. That is a slow and horrible
Without heeding tho apieul Judge
Dittenhoefer added that as Murk Twain
was going to Germany to livofor awhile
ho should also condemn him to abandon
tho American form of his name, which
means two marks, and uso instead the
German word "Bismarck." "Thero can
not bo two Bisinarcks in Germany," said
tho judge, "and it will bo a part of your
puiiishmont to carry on battle with tho
princo of that name for your right to
Mark Twain served his sentence faith
fully. Ho read threo hours every day
from his own works, but most of tho
passengers wished that ho had not.
MAHK TWAIN 1IEOS KOIt MKItCY.
Of course nil theso proceedings were
sportive, but they netted for tho Sea
men's fund somo $000. and wero said by
tho captain to have been tho most in
teresting and delightful of all tho enter
tainments ever arranged at sea upon any
of the steamships of that lino.
E. J. Edwards.
A PolltlcUn In Pieces.
New Oiu.eans, Nov. 3. Governor
Nichols relates witli much relish his
peculiar experience in a hotel. During
tho late unpleasantness the governor,
then general, had the misfortune to lose
his right leg, having parted company
with his right arm in an accident several
years before tho war.
During tho last campaign ho was
stumping Mississippi and stopped over
night at a lintel in Natchez. "Scud a
man to my looin'said the governor,
and in a fow mnmentsu typical southern
negro made his appearance. The dis
robing process had been continued for
somo time iviien tho governor command
ed, "lake off my arm.
"Sah!" said tho astonished negro, his
wool fairly rising. "Take off my arm,"
repeated tho governor, and Sambo edged
suspiciously toward tho couch, assisting
in removing tho artificial member.
Laying it upon thu table ho gave tho
limb u long and careful examination,
but was suddenly interrupted by tho
command, "Take off my leg." For u
moment ho gazed at tho reclining sol
dier and thou started for tho door.
It required innumerable threats, ex
planations and promises to get the
darky near tho bod, but finally n largo
portion of tho governor lay upon tho
table, anil thero was a mischievous twin
kle in ids eyes,
"Come bete, Sambo," ho shouted, lean
ing forward. "Come hero and unscrew
't ... darky waited no longer, but with
uuu wild rush he dashed from tho room,
und bursting into the oflieo shouted,
"Oh, Massa dialled I hem's a man in
111 who is coininjr t pieces." A crowd
followed to 4!l, a'uA tho governor "set
'em up." U. C. It.
A MEAN THICK.
He Wanted In How, hut It Whi'I
A wealthy member of n swell club, ac
companied by n real estate broker nnd cap
italist, was out strolling along thu lake
shore northward n short lltnu ago when
tho gentlemen mutually agreed that noth
ing wih more enjoyable than tho exordia
of rowing. The lake was at pellucid mid
still as a tin 11 at eventide, when not a rephyr
is list I r, and they engaged ft boat with thu
abandon of youth. The real estate man
look first turn at the oars, and tho case
and grace with which ho handled the blades
excited the envy of Ids companion of thu
"Vou don't propo-e to hog It all thu
afternoon, do your" said the latter. "If
there's one thing I do pride myself upon It
Is my kuowledgeof rowing. You have had
that place for a mortal hour, and If you
don't gvt up ut once friendship will ccasa
here and now. That's what I'm discours
ing." Amicably the other r-llnulshcd till
place and cheerily took a sent forward,
well III the how.
"What in mischief are you dolngf" pre
sently the real estate man liiililred. "Can't
vou see that you are whirling about In a
"Yes, I see It. I'm always stronger In
one arm than In the other. That make
the whole trouble."
"Well, give two strokes with one and mm
with tho other, then."
He did, but with tho same result.
Around and around tho Isrnt went In tho
same ceaseless round. The swell clubman
used strong words, while his companion
"I'm a nice one. ain't If Here I'd been
planning to take my wife and bubles out
Tor a row, and n nice spectacle I'd havii
made. I'd I icon u consumed murderer and
suicide, that's what I'd have been. Hut
I'll overcount tho blamed obstacle, what
ever it lie, If I die for lU"
The perspiration rolled down his checks.
Oil went his coat, his vest, his collar, cra
vat and euls. He grew fairly desperate.
Forward he Inclined nod backward hubeiit
until the oars fairly doubled. The boat
Hew around like a whirligig. Itedder nnd
redder his faco became until ho seemed la
"That'H enough," finally said his friend
tantnll.lngly. "Can't you see 'talu't In
your You're mado one sided, and ain't to
blame for It."
"One sided nothing. I ain't feeling well,
that'" it. .My left arm's been in bad shape
lor some time. Maybe one oar's shorter
than the other."
Hut do what, he would tho result wanlh
same, and llually, when utterly worn out
and exhausted, he said gaspingly;
"I - I g guess you may take tho oars."
Just then lie turned about and saw the
real estate man sueaklugly drawing 11 big
stone out of the water.
The boat had been anchored all tho time
lie was rowing.
"I'll bethudenthof you for that," groaned
Alas! it was near to being his own, for it
was a week afterward buforo ho got out ol
bed. -Chicago Mail.
Not Itoudy Yet.
A robust American friend of ours 1 1 vol
below the boundary In Lower California.
There lived in the neighborhood a foreigner,
as homely a man a one might light hit
eyes on In a year's travel, ilo was an on
developed or immaturcljullp. Ilo mutiiiKt-d
to aeciimulate considerable money and
needed a wife. An ucitinlutniico suggested
that he visit our Lower California friend,
who had several very handsome marriage
able daughters. lie was received with
baronial hospitality, lie mentally minU
Ids choice from the trio of beautiful girls
and next morning broached the subject te
the father. The old gentleman eyed hlin
with an amazed smile and rcmaikcd: "My
Iriend, I fully appreciate and feel highlj
honored by your preference, but when I
want to raise monkeys in my family I'll
vend for you. I am not yet embarked in
the menagerie liusiuess." Dr. Itemoudl
(Inly u .Mutter of I'.ndu ranee.
"Vou are standing on my foot, inn'nm,"
said a big, good natured man in the crowd
yesterday, at the corner of State and Mad I
sou, to a lady in front of him.
"Sir!" she replied haughtily, turning
her dead. "I haven't moved in my tracki
for half an hourr"
"I know It, ma'am," he rejoined. "Hut
the foot you've been standing on all that
time lias begun to get tired. Would you
niltnl occupying the other one awhiler"
tie lire iv tlm l.lur.
An old man entered u crowded sheet car,
anil, seeing a Ixiy seated in the corner,
asked If he would give him his seat.
".Saw, ' Mild the hoy. "Do you think that
Is showing the respect to age that Is be
coming in a boyf If your father were to
come into this car now, wouldn't you get
up and uive him a seat?" "Hotelier life,"
said the boy; "1 ain't ridiii in a street car
with any ghost." Argonaut.
. . -
Ilo-Your chaperon Is not very watchful.
She (absently)-Hut you should see her
when there's a man In my vicinity. Life.
lrf-11 II fur Her to ln.
"This port rail of my wife is excellent,"
said Hallow lo the art 1st, "but you haven't
put a bit of color in the face and she has
a great deal."
"I know It," lelurued the artist, "but I
thought uiailam miuht like to put it on
herself, as she always does with the orig
inal." New York Sun.
Set Him IllKlit.
He One has only to hsik at your lips
and see I hat you aie Intended for kisses.
She On the contraiy, t lie kisses are for
iiy intended. New York Hera!.',
The mini if sportive inliid no more.
As In Ihcdnisof nlil,
Will lls'Uie mil I he luisehall neon1
Willie his dinner Kiouclh eolil.
, Detroit Trlliunu.
i iiv A.i'ii'rv
C Ji i; V MIMV V k
r , mmm i a n-rrwrii
WHAT IT WAS.
Tha HtllliiMi uf In Twilight Hour Vf
It win evening,
Softly came tho summer tephyr from the
shadows sleeping In the valleys, cooling as
the breath from scented Inns, yet with 110
touch of chill.
The low lug bet N, now silent on the lei,
lay resting hi the fragrant (It-Ids of gently
waving grasi, where daisies nodded klivn
to the rod lipped clover.
The dusky air, low lying 011 thu shaded
hi IN, rose pinpllug to the sky about their
tops, and here and theiu far oil In tho stilly
distance twinkled minor two tone stars,
the llisl to loiue, and they stood there
blushing near the dark blue curtains
dtaped above the tliicshold of tho night,
uncertain jot If 1 hoy should enter now or
wait until the gay and glittering throng
in which they moved had tome to bear
The song of bltds was stilled In every
hush and tree, and every warbling throat
was tucked away beneath a tired wing.
The hum of Insects, resonant nil day,
had hushed Itself amid the iiilet leaves,
mid every fluttering tinsel whig was rent
ing till the morn,
Tho lazy stream had seemed to stop and
now no longer babbled to thu (lower
which grew upon Its pretty banks.
Almve. Mow, licyond, tho soft, dellclout
stillness of the bedtime of day pervaded
the nlr and touched tho earth and (tented
to the sky.
They sat there in tho gloaming, ho nnd
she, and watched tho silent shadows creep
slowly out from those dim hiding spots hi
which no man can 11 nil them in tho day.
Suddenly they beard a crash as if some
one had struck a heavy limber with an ax
and shlvi red it.
"What's that man breaking?" ho lu
ll 11 1 red with a start.
"The stillness of the twilight hour," she
murmured softly, and tho man passed
them 011 his way to thu woodshed with n
stick of kindling on his shoulder. Detroit
A Unit MIm.
"They tell inejiiii work fur a ilnllnr R day.
Hum In it jiiii rliahe )our six ho)s on such
"I know oii will llilnk II (or.dlUil imd ipiuer,
lint I do It heciiiipi' I'm 11 kmmI llimneler.
There'll I'ele, .lulili, .Hill Ittul Jlic, mid Wll-
1 1 it in mill Ncil
A half dneii l.ojs lo he cliitheil up anil fed
"Anil I ha) fur them u'ixhI, plain victuals to
Hut clotlilnit-l only buy elnthlni: for Pete.
"When I'tto'i. clothes are too niintll for htm to
My wife ma sei. 'em over anil nlwnYm tnJnlia.
"When for.lnhii, who Is ten, they hnvo Krown
out of date,
Hhu jiiKt makes 'em in or fur Jim. w ho U eUlit.
"When fur. Ilin the) Ih'icmiio loo riuts'ed to III
Mhu just makes Yin oter fur Joe, who l nil.
"And when little .loseih can wear 'em no
Btiu just makes 'em oter for Hill, whoU four.
"And when fur joiitu: Hill tiny no loiiwr will
Shu Just makes 'em ner for Ned, who Is two.
"So ou see, If I k'el eiiouith elothliiit for IVte,
The famll) l fa iilluil Htth iIoiIiiiik coin
lilule.' "Hut when .Ned h.isuot llumiuli wllttlioclolli.
Inu. iiihI " Inn
He has Ihiiiuii II aslile, what ilo nil do with
"Why.ome more eno round the circle com
plete Ami heulu to ue 1 1 for pMlchc fur I'ele."
n W A .Jl.i -I I - - - l i
1 I PCx. X sH' l
ertfc3 era c.TM STirrTl C
r xvL-Vvs..- -4.-
iumwi ( m Ml W m m, wr BT M Wd.tr al A m I 1 l,il.lfi'MI MM B Mr71
iw ;.zi hi tAUz :w;TwR!JfvJ 7; ?f?T "w 'Wls n,CJw
m e a m i m t i miip k:32Lr2m
ill III 111 ill il III jy e7? T-vRJUa s-" &3tr- - - -. --
I L 1
At six per cent, per annum ami a cash commission
or at eight per cent, no commission, for periods of
three or live years on well located improved real es
tale in Lincoln or Lancaster count)'.
INTICUICST AhhOWKI) ON SAVINGS DKPOSITS
DKI'OSITOUS IIAVIC AHSOI.UTIC SKCUHITY.
Union Savings Bank,
1 1 1 South Tenth Streo
KhKVICNTH AND N StKKICTS.
CapitalStock, $2150,000. Liability of Stockholcrs $500 ooc
INTIjRBST PAID N DEPOSITS,
Wm. Stum., Pies. J. E. Hill, Vice-Pres.
Louis Stum., Cashier.
DirkctouS. D E Thompson, C E Montgomery, Geo M.
Hastings, II II Shaherg, W II Mercery, J C Allen, T E San
tiers, J E IlilljWtn Stull, Louis Stull, Geo A Mohrenstecher
$$teiixlLj:tjLitji'.i. ii.it itjiit s$n$Liitjii-x;uir. L.j-.VjCtjrW
' TKI.. Sill
$). . grvittitc, JiivccUiv
flerteu years of nellvii work 1 1 1 1 the Mimical Union Orchestra, t
jj of Onmliii, us lllreelor, ilurliu; which tlinu Hie utiovo Oreheslra fur- l,t
h u'sheil iiinle for all thu promlmint evenlH.frclcitll , theatrically, elo. t
Jl i conio 10 i.ineoin 10 euuiiKi) persomuiy in iiirui'sira imihiiicm, iioiiiik ,
eonllilenl Ihal 1 eiui fiirulKli itM elllreus with lb bust of musical nuy
yj anil all Union, for tonus mill luforiuiitlon, call ut ollleo of Oaimtai, k.
M IJirv I'oUlilKM, Hill N street, or Telopliono'iM. rf
rvr iyn$3n$n$ T,vijr7s 7nr r$ jv., rjr7iv-;jVTjr5(j
AVINU just acsunieil personal control
my iilin to conduct a lirst-cla.. establishment, glxlng best of care and attention to
horses cntruttcd to our keeping.
Single or double, and a fine line of wcll-trulncd horses for liver,) uc, fur
nlslicd, day or night.
DAVE FITZGERALD, Prop.
FRANK RAMSEY, Foreman." . Telephone 550
Stables 1639 and 1641 O Street.
t?rt III U HI I Itjfei IV tli.Mlf Tv r,MlrwMtm-i.'n??l"miri r 'r i i n - in t Mfiniiw" m r( i i m
An Old School ina New Location
Ninth Year. 25 Departments. 30 Teachers
Henutiful, beallliv location, mnnnlficcnt buildlnt's, line equipment, superior nccom
modatlons, stionn Mcull, coinprcbciisive curriculum, tboiouli woik,bi(;h moral and
chiistlan Inllucnces and low expenses make this
The SCHOOL FOR THE MASSES
A practical edi c.ition wuhoiit needles wiisie ( In e or mem isiiin
Western Normal CoMejjc
You can Enter any Time and Choose Your Studies
This Krt'at school is located in Hawthorne, thre miles southwest of the post office and"
w II be conm-tcd by electric street car line, YOl'K CAR FAR Is PAID In Older
lint all ma see our main ad. intakes in the w.it ot buildings, equipments faculty .etc.
we will p.n uiur car fare from ynu home to Lincoln providcil ou are present on the
opening d.y of the fall term, hept. lSys. Write for particulars."
seml mime mill iithlri-seK of ;V youiii; people anil wo will semi you eholen of lino 15-Inch
ruler, t .eriiimiii'lomi ear's siilierlpMon lo our Illustrated cilucntlomil monthly. CATA
l.(KII'i:.S.Ml(MHC'l I, Wis, HIIIl!, Ailtlress M M. t'ltlA, I'r"". or
WESTERN NORMAL COLLEGE, Lincoln,
.M nnuA. II.
Finest in the City
of my linndsome new ktables, it will lie
Mud n the
heriiliir) and Treiikiirer
FAST MAIL ROUTE I
2 DAILY TRAINS 2
Atchlson. Leavenworth, St. Joeph,Kn
City, St. Louis and all Points South
1-ast nnd Vet
The direct Hue to Ft. Sco't, Parson,
Wichita, Hutchinson and all principal
points in Kansas.
The only ro.id to the Great Hot Sntlnns
I Arkmih.is. I'nllin.in bkepers and Fre
Reclining Chair Cai on all trnlnv
I E. R. MILLAR, R P, R. VULAR,
City Ticket AKt. U:a'l f tut