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About Capital city courier. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1885-1893 | View Entire Issue (April 2, 1892)
CAPITAL CITY COURIER, SATURDAY, APRIL a, 1892 . AT THE TABERNACLE. OR. TALMAQE 8CORE3 HYPOCRITE8 AND DISHONEST TRADERS. Christ Used Kren Wit Against the l'liarf Met, unit No Doubt People Hmllril III Church Then as Now Various Forma of Inconsistency. BltooKLYN, Mnrch 27. Tho tendency to formalism In religion and to hypocritical pretense In society received n severe cnstl gatlon from tho pulpit of tho Brooklyn Tabcrnncle this morning. Dr. Talmngu mailo a vigorous onslaught ik)ii It, basing his remarks on tho text, Matthew xxlll, 'J I, "Ye blliul guides, who strain at a gnat and swallow n camel." A proverb Is compact wisdom, knowl edge In chunks, a library in n sentence, tho electricity of many clouds discharged In one bolt, a river put through a mlllrace. When Christ quotes tho proverb of tho text ho means to set forth the ludicrous behavior of those who make a great blus ter about small sins and have no apprecia tion of great ones. In my text a small Insect and a laro quadruped are brought Into comparison a gnat and a amul. You havo in museum or on tho desert seen tho latter, a great awkward, sprawling creature, with back two stories high and Htomach having a collection of reservoirs for desert travel, an animal forMddcti to the Jews as food and In many literatures entitled, "tho ship of the desert." The gnat spoken of In the text Is In the grub form. It Is born In pool or pond, after a few weeks becomes a chrysalis and then after a few days be comes the gnat as we recognize. It. Hut the iusect spoken of in the text is In its very smallest shape and it yet inhabits tho water for my text Is a misprint and ought to read "strain out a gnat." BTIIAINlXa OUT THE GNAT. My text shows you the prince of incon sistencies. A man after long observation has formed tho suspicion that in a cup of water he is about to drink there Is a grub or the grandparent of a gnat. Ho goes and gets a sieve or a strainer. Ho takes the water and pours it through tho sieve In the broad light. He says, "I would rather do anything almost than drink this water until this larva be extirpated," This water is brought under inquisition. The experiment is successful. The water trashes through tho sleveand leaves against the side of the sieve the grub or gnat. Then the man carefully removes the in sect nnd drinks the water In placidity. Hut going out ono day nnd hungry, he devours a "ship of the desert," the camel, which the Jews were forbidden to cat. Tho gas tronomer has no compunctions of con science, lie suffers from no Indigestion. He puts tho lower Jaw under tho camel's forefoot and his upper jaw over the hump of tho camel's back, and gives ono swallow and the dromedary disappears forever. He strained out a gnat, he swallowed a camel. While Christ's audience were yet smil ing at tho nppositeuess and wit of his illus trationfor smile they did in church, unless they were too stupid to understand the hyperbole Christ practically said to them, "That is you." Punctilious about small things; reckless about affairs of great magnitude. No subject ever with ered under a surgeon's knife more bitterly than did the Pharisees under Christ's scalpel of truth. Ab an anatomist will tako a human body to pieces and put them under a microscope for examination, so Christ finds his way to the heart of tho dead Pharisee and cuts It out and puts it under tho glass of inspec tion for all generations to examine. Those Pharisees thought that Christ would flat ter them and compliment them, and how they must have writhed under tho red hot words as he said, "Ye fools, ye whlted sepulchcrs, ye blind guides which strain out n gnat and swallow a camel." There are in our day a great ninny gnats strained out and a great many camels swallowed, and It ls'the object of this ser mon to sketch a few persons who are ex tensively engaged in that business. EXTltKMKl.Y FOUMAL 1'IIEACIIKIIS. First, I remark, that all those ministers of tho Gospel are photographed in tho text who are very scrupulous about theconven tionnltles of religion, but put no particular stress upon mattera of vast Importance. Church services ought to be grave and solemn. Thcro is no room for frivolity in religious convocation. But there nre illus trations, and there aro hyperboles liko that of Christ in tho text that will irradiate with smiles any intelligent auditory. There are men like those bland guides of tho text who advocate only those things in religious service which draw tho comers of tho mouth down, and denounce all those things which havo a tendency to draw tho corners of tho mouth up, and these men will go to installations and to presbyteries and to conferences nnd to associations, their pockets full of fine sieves to strain out the gnats, while in their own churches at home every Sunday there aro fifty peo ple sound asleep. They make their churcltcs a great dormitory, and their somniferous sermons are a cradle, and tho drawled out hymns n lullaby, while some wakeful soul in a pew with her fun keeps the flies off unconscious persons approxi mate. Now, I say it is worse to sleep in church than to smile in church, for the latter implies nt least attention, whilo the former implies tho Indifference of the hear ers and tho stupidity of the speaker. In old age, or from physical infirmity, or from long watching with the sick, drowsi ness will sometimes overpower one, but when n minister of tho Gospel looks off upon nn audience and finds healthy nnd in telligent people struggling with drowsi ness it is time for him to give out the dox ology or pronounce tho lcuedlctlon. The great fault of church services today is not too much vivacity, but too much som nolence. The ono is an irritating gnat that may bo easily strained out; tin other is n great, sprawling and sleepy eyed camel of the dry desert. In all our Sabbath schools, in all our lllble classes, in nil our pulpits wo need to brighten up our religious mes sage with such Christ like vivacity as we find in the text. NEA11LY ALL OIIBAT IMIEACIIKIIS WITTY. I tako down from my library tho biog raphies of ministers and writers of tho past ages, Inspired and uninspired, who have dono the most to bring souls to Jesus Christ, and I find that without a single ex ception they consecrated their wit and their humor to Christ. Elijah used it when he advised the Ilanlltes, as they could not mako.their god respond, telling them to call louder as their god might bo sound asleep or gonon-huntlng. Job used it when he said to his self conceited comforters, "Wisdom will die with you." Christ not only used It In the text, but when he ironically complimented the putrefied Pharisees, saying, "The whole need not a physician," and when by ono word ho do scribed the cunning or Herod, saying, "Go ye, nnd tell that fox." Matthew Henry's Commentaries from the first page to tho last coruscated with humor as summer clouds with heat light ning. John Ilunj nil's writings are an full of humor n.i they aro of saving truth, ami there Is not nu aged man hero who has ever read "Pilgrim's Progress" whudties not remember that whlhi reading it ho smiled as often us he wept. Clirysmtom, George Herbert, Hubert South, John Wesley, George Whltelleld, Jeremy Taylor, How laud Hill, Nettletou, George G. Finney and all the nftti of tho past who greatly advanced the kingdom of God consecrated their wit and tlulr humor to tho cause of Christ. So ltdiss been in ,all the ngois, and 1 say to these young theological students, who cluster in these services Bahbath by Sab bath, sharpen your wits as keen as scl mi ters and then tako them into this holy war. It Is a very short bridge between smile and a tear, a suspension brldgo from eye to lip, unsl It Is soon crossed over, nnd nstullo is sometimes just as snored as a tear. There Is as much religion, and 1 think a little more, In a spring morning than in a starless midnight. Religious work without any humor or wit In It Is a banquet with a side of beef, and that raw, and no condiments and no dessert succeeding. People will not sit down nt such u banquet. By all means re move all frivolity and all pathos and all lightness and all' vulgarity strain them out through tho sieve of holy discrimina tion; but, on tho other hand, beware of that monster which overshadows tho Christian church today, conventionally, coining up from tho Great Sahara Desert of Kcclesl astlclsm, having on Its back a hump of sanctimonious gloom and vehemently re fuse to swallow that, camel. MAMMOTH CHIMED IN TUADK. Oh, how particular n great many people are about the Infinitesimals while they aro quite reckless about the magnitudes. What did Christ say' Did ho not excori ate the people In his time who were so careful to wash their hands leforo a moal, but did not wash their hearts? It Is a bad thing to have unclean hnnds; It Is a worse thing to havo an unclean heart. How mnny people there are In our time who nre very anxious that after their death they shall be burled" with their feet toward the east, and not at all anxious that during their whole life they should faco in the right direction so that they shall come up lu the resurrection of tho just whichever way they are burled. How mnny there are chiefly anxious that a minister of tho Gospel shall come in tho line of apostolic succession, not cnrlng so much whether he comes from A post I u Paul or Apostle Judas. They have a way of measuring a glint un til it Is larger than a camel. Again, my subject photographs nil those who nro abhorrent of small sins while they are reckless iu regard to magnificent thefts. You will find many a merchant who, while he Is so careful that ho would not take a yard of cloth or a spool of cot ton from tho counter-without ituyJug for It, and who if n bank cashier should'make a mistake and send iu a roll of bills five dollars too much would dispatch a mes senger in hot haste to return tho surplus, yet who will go Into a stock company In which after awhile he gets control of the stock nnd then waters the stock and makes $100,000 appear like .'00,000. Ho stole only 100,000 by tho operation. Many of the men of fortune made their wealth iu that way. One of those men engaged in such un righteous acts, that evening, the evening of the very day when ho watered tho stock, will find a wharf rnt stealing nu even ug nowspn)or from tho basement doorway, nnd will go out and catch tho urchin by tho collar and twist the collar so tightly the poor fellow cannot say that it was thirst for knowledge that led him to tho dishonest act, but grip tho collar tighter and tighter, saying: "I have been looking for you a long while. You stole my paper four or five times, haven't youf You mis erable wretchl" And then the old stock gambler, with a voice they can hear threo blocks, will cry out, "Police, pollcol" That same mau, the evening of tho day on which ho wntered tho stock, will kneel with Ids family in prayer and thank God for the prosperity of the day, then kiss his children good night with nn air which seems to say; "I hope you will all grow up to be us good as your fntherl" Prisons for sins Insectlle in size, but pnluccs for crimes dromedarian. No mercy for sins animal culo iu proportion, but great leniency for mastodon iniquity. COLOSSAL LIES AIIOUT THE CHOPS. It is time that wo learu in America that sin Is not excusable lu proportion as it de clares largo dividends and has outriders In equipage. Mnny a mau is riding to perdi tion postilion ahead and lackey behind. To steal a dollar Is a gnat; to steal many thousands of dollars is a camel. There is mnny a fruit dealer who would not consent to steal a basket of peaches from a neigh bor's stall, but who would not scruple to depress tho fruit market; and as long as I can rememlier we have heard every sum mer the peach crop of Maryland is a fail ure, and by the time tho crop comes in tint misrepresentation makes a difference of millions of dollars. A man who would not steal one peach basket steals fifty thou sand peach baskets. Any summer go down into tho Mercan tile library, lu the reading rooms, and see the newspaper reports of the crops from all parts of the country, and their phraseology is very much tho same, and the same men wrote them, methodically and infamously carrying out the huge lying about the gralu crop from year to year and for a score of years. After awhile there is a "corner" in tl.o wheat market, and men who had a contempt for a petty theft will burglarize the wheat bin ot a nation and commit lar ceny upon tho American corncrlb. And men will sit in churches and in reforma tory institutions trying to strain out tho small gnats of scouudrellsm, while in their grain elevators and iu their storehouses they aro fattening huge camels which they expect after awhile to swallow. Society has to bo entirely reconstructed on this subject. We aro to find that a sin is inex cusable in proportion as it Is great. I know iu our time tho tendency Is to charge religious frauds upon good men. They say, "Oh, what a class of frauds you have in the Church of God in tills day," and when an elder of a church or a deacon or a minister of the Gospel or a superin tendent of a Sabbath school turns out a de faulter what display heads there are lu many of tho newspapers great primer tye; five line pica "Another Saint Ab sconded," "Clerical Scouudrellsm," "He llgiou nt a Discount," "Shame on tlu Churches," while there are a thousand scoundrels outside the church to where there Is one Inside the church, and tho mis behavior ot those who never see the Inside of a church is so great it Is enough to tempt a mau to become a Christian to get out of their company. Hut lu all circles, religious and irreli gious, the tendency is to excuse sin in pro portion as it Is mammoth. Kven Johu Milton lu his "Paradise Lost," while he condemns Satan, gives such a grand de scription of him you have hard work to suppress your admiration. Oh, this strain ing out of small sins like gnats, and this gulping down great iniquities like camels. This subject does not give the picture of Me or two persoew, but Is a gallery In which thousands of people may see their like nesses. F r Instance, all those people who, while they would not rob their neighbor of a farthing, appropriate the money and the treasure of the public A mau has a house to sell, and he tells his customer It Is worth fc!0,iOO. Next day the assessor conic, around and tho owner says It Is worth (in, 000. Tho government of tho United States took off the tax from personal Income, among other reasons because so few pcopla would tell tho truth, and mnny a man with an Income of hundreds of dollars a day made statements which seemed1 to Imply ho was about to lie handed over to tho over seer of tho poor. Careful to pay their passage from Liver pool to New York, yet smuggling lu their Saratoga trunk ten silk dresses from Purls and a half doen watches from Geneva, Switzerland, telling the custom house of ficer on the wharf, "There Is nothing in that trunk but wearing apparel," and put ting a live dollar gold piece in his hand to puuetuato the statement. Described lu the text nre nil those who are particular never to break tho law of grammar, nnd who want all their Inn gunge an elegant specimen of syntax, straining out all the Inaccuracies of sHech with a flue sieve of literary criti cism, while through their conversation go slander nnd Innuendo and profanity nnd falsehood larger than a whole caravan of camels, when they might bettor frncturu every law of tho language and shock their Intellectual taste, and letter let every verb seek lu vain for Its nominative, and every noun for its government, and' every prepo sition lose its way In tho sentence, And ad jectives and participles and pronouns get Into, a grand riot worthy of tho Fourth ward on election day, than to commit n moral Inaccuracy. Better swallow n thou sand gnats than one camel. THE PETTY FAULT FINIIKII4. Such persons are also descrilwd lu the text who nre very much alarmed ulsnit tho small faults of others and have no alarm nlxjut their own great transgres sions. There nro In every community and in every church watchdogs who feel called upon to keep their eyes on others and growl. They are full of suspicions. They wonder if that man is not dishonest, if that man is not unclean, if thero Is not something wrong about the other man. They nro al ways tho first to hear of anything wrong. Vultures are always tho first to smell car rion. They aro self appointed detectives. I lny this down ns n rule without any ex ception that those people who have the most faults themselves nro most merciless lu their watching of others. From scalp of head to solo of foot they aro full of jeal ousies and hypcrcrltlclsms. They spend their life In hunting for muskrntsand mud turtles Instead of hunt ing for Hocky mountain eagles; always for something mean Instead of something grand. .They lookraf their neighbors! Im erfectlous through a microscope nnd look at their own Imperfections through a tele scope upside down. Twenty faults of their own do not hurt them half so much ns one fault of HomclKxly else. Their neighbors' Imperfections nre like gnats, and they strain them out; their own luicrfcctlouB are like camels, and they swallow them. But lest any might think they escue tho scrutiny of the text, I have to tell you that wo all come under tho divine satire when we make the questions of time more prominent than tho questions of eternity. Come now, let us all go Into the confes sional. Aro not all tempted to make the question, Where shall I live now greater than the question, Where shall I live for ever? How shall I get more dollars hero? greater than the question, How shall I lay up treasures in heaven f the question, How shall I pay my debts to ninnf greater than tho question, How shall I meet my obliga tions to God' the question, How shall I gain the world greater than the question, What if I lose my soul tho question, Why did God let sin come Into the worldf greater than the question, How shall I get It ex tirpated from my nature tho question, What shall I do with tho twenty or forty or seventy years of my Hubliinarcxlstcnco greater that tho question, What shall I do with the millions of cycles of my post-tcr-restrial existence Time, how small it isl Eternity, how vast it Isl Tho former more insignificant In comparison with tho latter than n gnat is insignificant when com pared with a camel. Wo dodged tho text. We said, "That doesn't menu me, nnd that doesn't mean me," and with a ruinous be nevolenco wo aro giving tho whole sermon away. But let us all surrender to tho charge. What an ado about things here. What poor preparation for a great eternity. As though h'miunow were larger than a behe moth, ns though a swallow took wider cir cuit than nn albatross, as though a nettle were taller than a Lebanon cedar, as though a guilt were greater than a camel, as though a minute were longer than a century, as though time were higher, deeper, bromler than eternity. So the text which flashed with lightning of wit as Christ uttered it, is followed by the crashing thunders of awful catastrophe to those who make the questions of time greater than the questions of the future, the oncoming, overshadowing future. O Eternity! Eternity) Eternity! The I meet Wax of China. One of the most curious products of China Is iusect wax, of which l,.'i:,S7 pounds, worth ftOO.OOOIn gold, were shippid from Ichaugontho Ynngtse river In I8& It is n product of tho western part of tlu province of Se-Chuen, in central China, where tho wax insect flourishes Iwst and finds its food most abundant. Early In the spring numerous brown, pen shaped scales appear on the bark of the boughs ami twigs of tho Chinese evergreen tree. They con tain a mass of small animals, like flour, whose movements nro almost impercepti ble. Tho female wax insects develop the scales nnd deoslt their eggs In them and the males excrete the substance known as white wnx, which Is supposed to le In tended by nnt tiro to protect the scales. The wax is spread over the wliolu branch to a depth of a quarter of an Inch. When the deposit appears to bo complete the branches are cut off and as much of the wax as possililo is removed, by hand. Tin? rest Is secured by boiling the branches, which destroys the scales and larviu. The wax is put Into boiling water, where It melts, and rising to the surface Is skimmed off nnd put Into molds. New York Sun. Thu Uolilen Menu. Between the Idlers mid our overbusy women there is n golden mean, represented here and there by the happily absorbed mothers who reach out occasionally from their home circles to assist In the broader work of life, the needs of which are muita known to them, But moderation docs not often accompany the degree of earnestness and feeling requisite for genuine philan thropy, so that our perfect woman is to be judged rather for herself, her Influence within the home, and thus, Indirectly, upon society. She Is a harmonious but ran U-Ing, a gracious presence every when, while our typical woman is u definite force In the community. Boston Herald. FROM "THE HANDBOOK OF PLOTS." A Maniple I'lnl ttnlretrd from "Kverjr Ms Ills linn Nnvrll.l." The following from "The Handbook of Plots, or, Every Man His Own Novelist," extracts from which have liceii given pre viously, Is capable of expansion Into a full blown novel and seems to bo worthy of re production! v Tho beautiful girl was In love with tho young man, hut ho was poor, sho was ex travagant, and her father wanted a wealthy son-in-law. As she sat hi her boudoir, tallied In scalding tears (she couldn't hear a cold bath), sho cried, "Alasl must 1 glvo him up'" II. The young mnn pleaded with her to fly with hliu, and she had almost made up her mind to do li and abjure line clothes for ever when tlu) gruff father appeared and told him to begone, lie promptly bewent. III. The wealthy i.ultor pleaded and refused to be magnanimous or anything else ex cept her husband, and finally after waiting for three days to hear from the young man she yielded to the wealthy suitor's plead ings nnd the gruff father's coninininis and promised to let the suitor l"y for her fine clothes In the future. IV. Tho gruff father promptly wrote to the young man, Informing him of the lcautl fill girl's betrothal to the wealthy suitor who didn't suit her, and told him that his nplieuruiico lu that ward would be a signal for the commoACf ment of foreclosure pro ceedings on the little house that ho had mortgaged to buy the beautiful girl flow er. V. Tho young mnn just as promptly camo Into both the want and the precinct, ap peared one night at the lcautlftil girl's window, informed her that he had discov ered a terrible secret, in'vlow of which she had tatter continue in tho path sho had chosen, but he advised her to make lbs wealthy suitor deed her half hit property before the marriage. VI. The beautiful girl was again in tears nt the tJmo that the young man was nrrested as u burglar while trying to get away from tho house, hut sho recovered in time to ace on tho suggestion regarding tho wealthy suitor's property. Vll. The church was brilliantly lighted and there was a fashionable assemblage pres ent, but the bride faltered ns sho walked up the aisle, asking herself) "Will he be hero Will ho see mo'" Vllt. Sho furtively glanced around nnd grow pale ns the ceremony proceeded. Sho had hoped against hope that something would happen to stop it, but at lost tho final words were said. IX. Tho beautiful girl almost fainted as they turned away from the altar. Sho gasped im she saw the young mri standing there with a stranger, and ni of the url icmalds had to support her. X. "Two years ago you were in Now York," said tho stranger to tho groom. "I was," said the groom. "In mere sport," continued tho stranger, "you ono evening called n young woman your wife and Introduced her to some friends ns such." "Alasl I did," admitted the groom, "According to the law there," said tho stranger, "that constituted u common law marriage. This young woman is free, nnd I now arrest you for bigamy." IN0TB.J-Any one can finish this story. She has the young man and half tha wealthy suit or's monuy. What mora could shuusk? How did tho young iiiiin got outof Jnll? Oh, ho Just vol out-1 lie way thuy usually do In novel. Of courso ho couldn't admit that he had been a( thobeautlfulRlrrswluUow.1 Chicago Tribune. Across the Footlights. Even tho Immortal nnd ever blooming Fanny Herring Is not safe from the slings and arrows of the outrageous gallery god. This type of auditor Is had enough in the popular price theaters, but when ho lands lu the amusement hall of the local dime museum his behavior is something terrific. Fanny only acts in tho latter places, nnd her plays aro short, shocking nnd delirious. Itcccntly sho was uppcarlug In ono or nu ultra blood and thunder brand lu which It was necessary forhertoexclaiint "Gr-r-rent hevinst If I only had a horse!" She exclaimed it. "Say, Fanny," queried n volco from the rear of the house, "would a mule do" "Yes," wns tho retort, "coma around to the stage door." New York Commercial Advertiser. A Professional Opinion. Householder I am going to move to the suburbs next Moudny, and I'd like you to do the job. Mover How many loads "1 don't know. You moved mo once, you may remember." "Yes; 1 needed three wagons then to get through, but time wns some years ago. Have you moved since" "Yes, Indeed; half a dozen times." "Hum! I guess one wagon will carry all you have left." New York Weekly. John Was All Ills'it. Loving Mother Dear me, John writes from college that ho is doing stacks of night work. Practical Father You needn't worry about John. As long ns he keeps his stacks be is all right. Truth. Regular Sprinters. Shopper Are those fast colors Clerk Well, I should say as much I Yoa just wash It ouco and see how they'll run. Boston Courier. No Uup, A In 5a"i fc - V m Pater It's singular that whenever I want you to marry a man you object, and wheuever 1 do not want you to marry ono you straightway insist ou it. Fllla Yes; mid whenever we are agreed the man objects. Life. ' -lift Inlternl Metier. Wit seems often lu Ire the compensating quality to those who have liceii Afflicted by uuturo with Impediment of speech. A New York man, meeting for tho first tlmo In some years n stuttering classmate, ob served i "Why, Morrow, you do not seem to stut ter as badly as you used to," "N-nun-nii," returned the stutterer, "I h-huh-have h-hiih-hait soiuum-much prac tice that I fuMlnil It v-vuv-veryeasy l-tut-to stui-tammer now. K-easlcr thii-than spti'pcnklritt stut-tut-tralght," Harper's Magazine. No Joke, Party Behind Screen Oh, yon may laugh as much ns you like, but I tell you It's no joko to wake up and find you'vo liccn rohticd of everything you possessed cloth ing, money, valuables, nil gone, oven my wig and falsu teeth, and I am to bo married lu a couple of hours too; that's whero It hurts ma most! Life, Mhe Asked Too Much, They had Imcii married a mouth and tho world had been turning for them upon nn axis of gold lubricated with honey. Tho harmony of happy hearts filled thulr souls with n divine rapture and tho houni flew by on melodious wings. This dny tho first shadow had touched with gray the rose leaves on their path, "No, Ethel," ho said firmly, yet kindly, "I cannot do It," "But, George," sho pleaded, "I your Ethel your bride ask you to do it for her sake," nnd she camo and laid her soft white arms about his neck and turned her appealing eyes to his. He bowed his head nnd klssod hergoldeu hair. "1 know, I know, Ethel," ho said in ten der, protesting tones, "but this I cannot do. You shbuld not ask It; you who aro mora than all tho world to me." Tho young wife's hands fell to her sides, she shook under n storm of sobs nnd a shower of tears wet tho sweet pink roses in her checks. The young husband was not less moved, but the determined look did not leave his face. "And you will never, nover grant your Ethel's request" she asked, stepping back from him. "Never, Ethel, nover," he replied in a harsher tone than he had yet used; "I nm willing, only too glad and willing, to do anything you ask lu reason, but never will I consent to call your father paps, and that ends it." George had spoken. Detroit Free Press. He lUil Found It Hard Work. Ho dropped into an armchair nnd closed his eyes, apparently utterly exhausted. "Been working hard J" Inquired a friend who had dropped In to seo him. "Working iinrd!" ho returned. "I'rs done three days' work lu two hours." "Splitting wood'" "No, Indeed." "Putting lu coal, perhaps'" "Oh, no." "Haven't been trying to clean a stove pipe, have you" "No, sir. I pay a man to do that." "Then what have you been doing'" "Well, you know that boy of mine" "You mean Willie'" "Yes." "Oh, yes. Bright boy ho Is too. What's he got to do with It'" "Everything, sir, everything! I've been trying to get llftcen minutes' work out of him." Chicago Tribune. Ileully Uulte Unavoidable. Ono of tho homeliest women lu Buffalo had her portrait painted by a local artist not long ago. He know on which side his bread was buttered, and mluted tho pic ture accordingly. Tho lady, whilo she would never confess to herself that sho was not comely, yet felt that the ortralt was somewhat Idealized. Sho was showing it to a caller tho other night. "There, what do you think of It" said sho. "Don't you think that Mr. has ruthcr flattered mi)'" The gentleman looked nt the picture, looked at the lady, and said with a lan guishing sigh, "Ah, my dear Mrs. , how could a painter sit in your company and not Matter you'" And she was unutterably delighted, Buffalo Courier. Aunty Couldn't Guess. Aunty What became of the kitten yon had when 1 was hero before Little Niece (lu surprise) Why, don't you know' "I haven't heard a word. Was sho poi soned f" "No'm." "Drowned" "Oh, no." "Stolen" "No. Indeed." "Hurt iu any wayf" "No'm." "Well, I can't guess. What became of her" "She growed Into a cat." Good News. Nature and Art. Tommy, who had been having some sovero lessons on using his kuifo, was sent out 011 an errand to the family washer woman. When he returned ho said: "I had some dinner with her little boy, mamma, nnd ho doesn't cut with his kuifo either." "I supxso his mother has taught him It wasn't polite to eat with his knife," said Tommy's mamma. "No'm," answered Tommy, regretfully, "he eats with his llugurs." Detroit Free Press. Vn concerned. An old man and his wife were last sum mer sailing on a steamer between Black pool and the Isle of Man. As the sea was rather rough and the old woman unaccustomed to sailing, she said to her husband. "Oh, John, this ship Is going ilownl" "Well, never mind," said the husband; "It isn't ourH."-Hoston (Hobo. Coiirluslw K liloiiet). "That young minister will never suo cd; he is too easily rallied," "I never noticed It." "I did. At Knima Harklns' wedding be kissed the groom and shook hands wltk the bride." New York Sun. MORAND'S DANCING SCHOOL. Masonic Temple. Mr. Mornnd ot Omnlin Dancing Acad my has opened classes In all the Intent dances, Children 4 p. m. Adults 7:30 pi n. Every Monday. Circulars nml pnrtlculnr may be hndat the Cornier olllcc, it3 N street, ' KlltHT ADDITION TO NORMAL Tun hiostlicuutlriii suburban proit erly now on the market, Only threo h'ock from the handsome Lin coln Normal University and hut three blocks from the promised elnctila rail way, These lots are now lieliiK placed on the market at Exceedingly Low Prices and Easy Term For plat, lernu and Information, call on M. W. F0LS0M, TRUSTEE, Insurance, Heal Kstulouud Loan broker Hooin !k, Newman Illnck. IKH O Htroet NEBRASKA COKSEHVAORY of MUSIC and Academic School for Girls, Lincoln Nebraska. All branches of Music, Art, Elocution, Literature, and Languages, Taught by a Faculty or Hlxtcon Instructors. r.ncu icucner nn ARTIST AND SPECIALIST. Thu only Conservatory west of lloston owning-Its own I111II1II11K and furnishings. Art. llneil homo for lady indents. Tuition from (HOI) to :).() par term ol IU weoks. Write for Catalogue and guuoritl Information. O. II. HOWELL, Director. Letdiig PHOTOGRAPHEt Fine Must Cabinets 1 per doxen. Hpocle ates to students. Call and seo our work. Open from 10 a. m. to 4 p. m. Humlnys. t udio, 1214 O Street. USE HOWARD'S CREAM OF ROSE8. The mostezqulilte preparation forthtsktav Cures Onsppea Hands, Chafed or H sals si kin. Removes Tan and Freckles, Positive curs for Bait niieum. Ladles Ms Jounce It perfection.. Excellent to use arta avlnc. Perfectly harmless, l'rloe Tweatr ys eents. Hold hv all Orst-clsts drufflM, Has secured during 1892: W. D. Howcllt. George Meredith, II. Hldcr Haggard, Norman Lockyor, Conan Doyle Mark Twain J. Chumllor Harris, William lllsck. Andrew iJinir HI. Ucoi-ko MTvart, Kudyard KIplliiK, It. Louis Htevenson, W.ClarK liusseii. Mary E. WIIUlus - I MIIIUS IIUUKHUII I1UI llVltj And innnyotlMtrdUtluieulilicil wrltom. ftfltu sfeH IfnliiAnli ItftmvAli s tho greatest Sunday Newspaper In the world. Price 5c a copy. By mall $2 a year. Address The gun, New York, WOMAN is the pivot upon which Trade Turns. A number of years ago I suggested to ono of my clients that he place an advertisement for goods used exclu sively by men iu a jmper supposed to be read exclusively by women. The advertisement appeared; it continued in that paper several consecutive years. The actual mall cash sales, coming directly from that advertise ment, were two or three times as great, reckoning proKrtlonate cost, than came from the same advertise ment in any of the hundred papers my client u as advertising in. Since then I have mado tliem experiments many timer, until I believe I have a right to claim that the experiment has passed into fact. Vf hi C. Voider, Jr., AilmlMng Krjert, Tho I'oukikh is tho favorite jounia among the ladies of Lincoln and adjacent country. Plant your uuuouucement iu its columns nud real) bst results. C. L. RICHARDS, J&puk Wmm .A-TTOIKIfcTIEnr-; HICHAllDH HLOOK LINCOLN. NEBRASKA. j.j IN