Capital city courier. (Lincoln, Neb.) 1885-1893, March 26, 1892, Image 5

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The Next Number Especially Good.
Town Topics
1'ubllthed ft rat day of December, March,
tutib ami September.
Krerjr reputable newt and book nUnd haa It,
I'rlc. single number. BO CKNT8. tM.00
I'KR YEAH, poiUffti FItKK.
This brilliant Quarterly reproduce the best
stories, sketches, burlesques, poems, witti
cism, etc., from the back numbers of that
much talked-about New York Bock-ty Journal,
Town Tories, which It published tcttkly. Sub
scription price, ft.00 per year.
Tbe two publication! "Town Tones" and
"Tales riioM Town Tones" together, at tbo
low club-price of $6 00 per year.
Ask your newsdealer for tbem or address,
SI Want S8d Street, N. Y. City.
Santa Fe Route !
AtchisoD, Topeka & Santa Fe R. R
The Popular Route to the Pacific
Through Pullman and Tourist
Between Knnsas City nml SAN DIEGO,
CISCO. Short Line Kates to
Double Dally Train Service Hetween
Kansas City and PUEBLO, COLORADO
The Direct Texas Route
Solid Trains Hetween Knnsas City and
Galveston. The Short Line Between
Kansas City and Gainesville, Ft.
Worth, Dallas, Austin, Temple,
San Antonio, Houston, and
all Principal Points
In Texas.
ThcOnly Line Running Through the
Only Direct Line to the Texas
Pan-Handle. For Maps and
Time Tables and Informa
tion Regarding Rates
and Routes Call on
or Address
E. L.' PALMER, Passenger Agent,
I3t6 Farnam Street,
IT fraatlv
Pratllat. la
othfr wordw
will taacti you
II1ICR. a4 start
you Luilnt
at width you can
thailulUra. Wa
can an4 will, If
o mm from 91
tnttlO a day
at Ilia tiart, ami
mora as you go
on. Ilotti salt,
atlajrra. In any
paitbf Arartca,
vom tan com
mtnr at horn,
art t In f alt your
tlma, or apara
tnomrnla only,
o tit a work.
bat wa offer la
w a4 It haa
baan provad
ovtr ami over
attain, that rrrat
pay U aura for
rrry wotkar.
Faiy t learn,
Ko apaflal abili
ty raiptlrail,
Hfaacnabla In
ductry onljjrntc
rtiary for lure,
atf-a auecaai.
Wa atari you,
faraUlilna; v
aryililitr.Thti la
oaaof tha great
trMra frwarl
In Mrul,lnTrntlTproitTM, that cnrichM all wmfcara. It la
probably tha erf-ate opportunity lahorlnr pp1a " f
known. Nowli tha time. Iie'ajr manna Inaa. I'iiII partlenlara
trrr. littler will nt oner. AMirai, ,) KOltajii;
aTIXMIVit: o.,Mx 4fl,lVit.itiiU Mulna
(Successor to Dr. ClmrlcH Suurlso )
Cu res Cncers, Tumors
Wens nml Fistula without Mio uho of Knl c,
Chloroform or Elhor.
Office 1327 0 Street
Solentlflo American
Agency for
For Information and froo Handbook wrlto to
MUNN & CO.. ail nimAliWAV. NEW Ymitr.
Oldest bureau for securlm patents In America.
BTorytmtont taken out bj lis I brounlit tieioro
tUu public by a notice given t too of clmrjjo lu lliu
Ijiraeit elrcuUtlon o( anr iclentlflo pspeflp h?
wurld. Hlilomllillr HIiiitrMoit. No Imellliieiit
man nhould bo without K Weeklr, ,1,00a
yean II.W ilx immtln. Addren.MUNN X tO
I'UULmiEK i.SGI Uroadwar. Nou vork.
B m i II mil
I aKsfjaal
Not eia.
A "minister's nmn" In Scotland was one
Buiidny iftcmoon following his master to
church, when thu minister happening to
turn iib'iut detected an unwonted smlloou
his face.
"What mnkes you laugh, James? It In
umcctnly. What In there toamiisoyou?"
"Oh, nothing particular," says James.
"I wax oul) thinking of hotilbthlng that
hapHucd tills forenoon."
"What was that?"
"Well, sir, don't bo angry with mo, tint
you know the congregation nro not pleased
to hear old sermons from you, and this
morning I got tho better of thorn, any
"And how was that, Jnmesr" says the
"Well, sir, when we canto out of tho
church this forenoon I know what they
wero thinking: sosays I, 'Well, you cannot
call this morning's sermon tin otd one, for
it's not over six weeks since you tost hoard
It.' "Youth's Conimnlon.
Ho I mil In lovo. Will you bo my con-
Slio Certainly. 1 am at yourservlco.
He Well, would you udvlso mo to pro
posu to your Life.
Could Improve mi the Advice.
Ho might have been forty-five or fifty
years old, and was apparently In comforta
ble circumstances. Ho was, well dressed,
and as he sat in front of the bin fire nt tho
club he pulTeil meditatively at a cigar.
The joiiiik man sitting near him was
scowling at thu lire its lio smoked his cigar.
"Just on the threshold of your literary
career," said the old gentleman at last in
The young man acquiesced with a move
ment of his head.
"You lmvuahanlstruggloahciidof you,"
said tho old man. "1 know what it Is. It
takes a long tlmo to sectiru recognition."
Tho young man admitted tho truth of the
assertion by another nod.
"It requires patience, pcrsuvcranco and
constant Improvement," continued tho old
man complacently. "Olio mtisn't get dis
couraged. I was almost ready to givo up
oncu or twice, but I kept right on, and norr
I can sell anything I wrlto at a good prico.
And let me give you another piece of ml'
vice: Always read your stories over lu
print. There is nothing like It for Improv
ing a man's style, lie sees tho (lawn lu
print when he would overlook them in
The young man took his cigar out of his
mouth and looked at the other curiously.
"That's your advice, is itr" ho asked at
"It Is."
"It's tho best you can give, I suppose?'1
"Why, yes. I don't think of anything in
a general way that's more Important."
"Well, from my limited experience I can
Improve on it mightily."
"By prefixing It with 'First get your
tory in print.' "Chicago Tribune.
A Wild Goono Cliaae.
Chappie (faintly) Doctah, ruy-aw-head
feels awful1 Does grip ovah go to the
Doctor Sometimes.
Chappie I have pains rush In around all
ovah, in me arms and hands and feet and
Doctor That's grip.
Chappie What's It trying todo, doctah?
Doctor Trying to llnd your bralu, I
guess. New York Weekly.
Kitrii imble.
"Talk about mean men. I'vo read a
good deal about them; but tho meanest
man Is the fellow who steals my jokca
without crcditl" exclaimed tho humorist
to the editor.
"Well, rather." said the editor; "but
you must remember that the man who
would steal your jokes must be exceeding
ly hard up. and, besides, there Is no credit
in it, one way or another." Bostou Post.
A Fellow Peeling.
Grumbling Consumer (at gaseompany'a
ofllcc) Between footpads and gas bills a
man's life Is hardly worth IIvIiik any more.
Clerk Have thu footads been after
Grumbling Consumer (handing over a
twenty dollar hill) No. They know I'm a
customer of y6urs. Chicago Tribune.
Hlie Whs Horry.
IIo(at II p. m.)-There's one thing I'd
do, Miu SmlthitiKtou, If I were rich.
She (wearily) What Is that, Mr. Linger-
Ho I'd travel.
She (sympathetically) I'm so sorry, Mr.
Llngerly, that you are not rich. Detroit
Free PreRs.
A'lluppy Condition.
First Officer's Servant to Second Ditto
What's the matter with you. You look
as happy as a skylark.
"And no wonder. Vou see, my lieuten
ant sent mo to kc t a cIhvm, and I dropiad
it in the mud so I was allowed to eat it
myself." Fllvgcndi Blatter.
Kxplaliilni; it Myatury.
Brlggs Strange things happen. A
Brooklyn policeman was seen walking the
streets at midnight recently.
(JrlgKs What was the trouble?
Brlggs Upon investigation It turned
out that he was a HuiuuanihullHt. Life.
Turns III II) oh Awuy.
"Before he married me John said ho
would love me too well ever to see me
build a lire."
"And doc luff
"Yes. He never looks at mo when I am
building it." Washington Star.
II Ik l.lfe Work.
Smith So you are a poet? And may I
ask how you make your living?
Hondo Oh, I win all the fasting compe
titions at the illtuu museums. .Jester.
Vou DC III the illiallieaa,
"What do you think of your now gov
erness. Tommy?"
"Oh, she's all right for a beginner, but
she'll soon learn." Bostou Post.
A ftlnry with a Mural.
Ho knocked at the back door of a subur
ban house ami the cook opened It. He win
a slnioter looking fellow and she held on
to thu door.
"Iady of tho homo In?" ho Inquired
"No," trembled tho cook.
"Man of thu house hero?"
"Nono of the pcoplo lu?"
"Nono but me," and ho tried to hut
tho tloor.
"Aw, como off," ho growled, netting hla
foot against it; "I guess I'll coma in and
have a good eat. Step lively now er I'll
grab you."
She let go of the door and the tramp
forced in and fell Into the arms of a big
policeman, who was courting thu cook
contrary to orders. Detroit Free Press.
He llliln't Want It.
"Do yo kape butter hero?"
"Kape butter, ye grccnhornl I'vo kepft
butter this twenty years."
"Well, kape It then. It's too ould for
nie."-Smllh & Oray's Monthly.
Crane' New Servant (ilrl.
"Speaking of servant girls," said Crane,
tho actor, to a friend who was recently cu
tertaiuiiig him with an account of Ids ex
periences with the tribe, "wo had one up at
Collaret last summer that simply took the
bakery and everything appertaining there
unto. She was named Maria, and she
came with a letterof recommendation from
a family of our acquaintance. They said
thatshu was honest and faithful, hut a Ill
tie crude and needed training. Imagining
that the latter fault could soon be rein
edied, we eu'acd her and npxlntcd her
to the then vacant position of waitress In
"On the afternoon of her arrival I gave a
little dinner to a few of my professional
friends and felt particularly anxious to
have thu alfalr go off smoothly. With tills
end In view Maria was put through a little
preliminary drilling beforehand, in the
course of which she manured to smash the
fish platter of a valuable set of chlua and
display the fact that she didn't know any
more alKitit waiting on n table than she
did of writing comlcKongs in Sanscrit. The
guests arrived, and in fear and trembling I
took my seat. Wo prepared for the pro
llmlnary oysters. They did not come, I
thumped the bell without eliciting a re
sponse from the uonevident Maria. Thu.1
I breathed her name softly, but lu vain; I
breathed it again, same result, and Dually
I reached foriipperCaudcalled for'Marlal'
lu tones that rattled the plates.
"A capped and horlbbotiod head thrust It
self around the corner of the dlniiiu room
door, and In tones of calm Inquiry the
Ps too liot.
"Blow It, then."
"I am afraid to."
"For fear It will blow away, it'a so
small." Texas Slftlngs.
Ill Great Mistake.
Featherstono Ijook here, Undo, I lent
you $1 the other day to buy you a pair oi
trouseis with, hut I haven't Keen you wear
them yet.
Uncle Ebony No, sah. Do fac' Is I made
a big mistake about dem pants, sah. I
found dat I could get a pair for $1.50, sah.
So deu I went out and spent t l.M).
Featherstono Well, didn't you get the
trousers with tho other $1.50?
Uncle Ebony No, sub; dat's do funny
part vl it. You see, I niiido er mistake and
spent the 4I.W) I was going to buy tho pant
with llrst. Clothier and Furnisher.
Not I'oanllile.
Head of Firm Mr. Truvera, while you
were out a man came lu to collect a bill
from you for an ulster which he said hod
been running for a year. Can't you pay
for your clothes, sir, out of the liberal sal
ary wo give you?
Travers No, sir, I can't do it and be .1
gentleman. Clothier and Furnisher.
HI Itecoiiiinundiitlon.
Brlggs How do you llku your now fur
nace, (Jriggs?
Griggs Oh, It's Just splendid.
Brlggs- Can you recommend It as n
bang up good heater?
Griggs No; but I recommend It as n
bang up good refrigerator. Harper's Ba
zar A (loud Niitiirml Soul.
Lady's Maid (to hur ladyship, reclining
til and faint in Iter easy chair, while thu
doctor Is lu attendance) If It Is too much
trouble for maihtiue I shall hu most happy
to let the doctor feel my pulse instead of
your ladyship's. Neueste Wlt.o.
llroiiKlit Out the Wrinkle.
Clara Isn't Mr. Banger's dress suit
wrinkled awfully? I suppose it is becniiM
he travels m much with it.
Maude Yes. He told my brother he
hail la-en tra cling with It for fourteen
years. Clothier and Furnisher.
A Sulllileiit Ki-iimmi.
Judge Why did you not at once tako
the purse you found to the police station?
Pilsouer It was so late at night.
Judge And the next morning?
Prisoner There was nothing left In It.
llumorlstische Blatter.
Shu (lot Whut Shu Wanted,
"I was hound to marry a nobleman or
nothing," remarked an Amurlcan girl re
turning with a foreign husband.
"I guess you gut Isith," said her father,
and went on making out a check. Detroit;
Free Press.
rUflin rag?
. 00 X
Tt'stoohoTT T
The Thought Transmitter.
It was tho seventeenth tlmo that ho had
made a visit In the hopo Hint ho could col
lectthu entire amount of the hill or at
least get something on lt,butas hccntcrcd
the door ho wasgrected by tho dehtorwlthl
"I know Itl I would havo lot my llfo on
"On what?" asked tho collector.
"Mental telegraphy. It's a clear case
tho la'st Illustration of thought trniiiiulit
rIoii I ever saw. I'vo had you In my mind
for two hours, wanted to sec you awfully,
but didn't know how to reach you, so I Just
took a seat and thought of you and how
hndlv I wanted to see you and hero you
"Why did you wish toseo me?"
"I wanted to tell you that I can't pay you
anything on that bill until a week from
next Wednesday. Just think oT It; by the
utllli'.atlou of it) currents and electricity In
conjunction with mental force I brought
you to me. Reasonable, Isn't It?"
"And that's mental telegrnphy?"
"Yes, or Is'tter yet, we cull It thought
trntiMinlsslou, It Is thu most recent marvel
in science and the most remarkable ho
cause, while we know that the power ex
Ists we do not know Ha form, wo have im
comprehension as to Its operation and vu
cannot analyze lu"
"Uin-ni, 'Thought transmission.' Well,
about II o'clock tomorrow morning," said
tho creditor, "you Just get a grip through
your unknown aerial telegratth machine
on me mid see what comes of It. You'll
llnd that I have an attachment on your
entire outfit, and that a constable and my
self will be ready to start after you and
yours forthwith." And as tho speaker
walked out savagely the philosopher laid
his head on his desk moaning, "And that
Is all the common herd cares for tho great
mysteries of human Intercourse," Detroit
Frcu Press.
I'rotn lluil to Worse.
A lady whoso Christian naino was Jano
and whose llttlo daughter wan named after
her engaged a hotisokecer who was also a
Thinking that threo Janus in ono house
hold might occasion confusion, thu lady
said to the newcomer, who was a tall, an
gular woman, with a rigid air and an un
compromising cast of countenance, "1
think, Jane, it will bo better for me to call
you by your Inst name, If you havo no ob
jection." "No'm, I liavo no objections," answered
the houscU'cpcr, standing sillily erect,
valise lu hand. "Call mo 'Darling,' ma'ani,
If you prefer. That's my iiamul" Youth's
Tliny Were Thumper.
Two men met and adjourned to a neigh
boring saloon to talk over old acquaint
ance, lu answer to inquiries as to thu dif
ferent memlHirs of his family, ono man
"My eldest girl thumps tho piano."
"And her sister?"
"Oh, she thumps tho washboard."
"But your wife?"
"She thumps me," Detroit Freo Press.
A Startler.
Doctor If your husband's hiccoughs
don't stop very soon, madam, ho'll In) a
dead man. There is only ouu tiling to Iw
done. Ho must Ihi startled out of them.
Can you suggest any way?
Anxious Wife (thoughtfully) I might
tell him that I had decided not to order
that new silk dress. Cloak Itevluw.
About AJax.
Father," asked Tommy, "why did AJax
ify the lightning?"
"Because, my sou, AJax was a l' reach
iielist, and the lightning was known to
Ism 5,001) times where It hit once. More-
er, It was soo tulles away, and wasn't
htuiug at the time. AJax knew whom
defy." Texas Slftlngs.
lie Was 11. l.lttlu Late.
That was unite a little Jokoof mine,"
said, with enthusiasm, after ho had ox
ted himself with a bou mot. "Did you
Oh, yes," she answered wearily, "I saw
last week in a newspaper." Washington
A 1'our IIi'kIiiiiIiib.
Young Nobles (to his future mamma-in
law) Photograph of you hero. Really you
must have been good looking when you
were young I I mean you must huvo
been nhem quite young when you were
good looking. Drake's Magazine.
Ueinl of the House.
Biltur Do you know who I can get to
taku charge of my house?
Witlicrby You might get my wifo's
dressmaker. Shu is running ours just at
present. Cloak Review.
Ho Was lu a Hurry.
Patsy McKenua (In an electric car which
has broken down) Well, av this car don't
bo after moving soon, Ol'll taku tho one bo
holnt. Harvard l-anipoon.
Utyat ar You Qoii7 to do ttyis 5Pril?
Jrauel ?
You give oats to a strong vigorous horse with self assurance of returning profit You feed a worthless cur out of
sympathy for his hunger, or to be rid of Ills offensive whine, Knl I roads of both the horse and the dog class are pretty
well represented in the West, the worthless ones make the most noise. You prtronie the former with confidence in
profitable returns, the oilier as you lllng bread to the whining dog out of charity or "to get of em." It's a matter of
business and profit vs. sentiment niul peace. The cost is about the same, nml ) ou ought to have your choice. Do you ,
ask where to put jour "oats", or the "crust of bread"? You can easily tell by looking about a bit.
Gen. Passenger Agent,
Tulannnna 4 7A.1 BT LbHbLbLbS9HRB1I wTfafr in "i aHWTi
Moving Household Goods and Pianos a Specialty
Dealer In
Ollkc 1045 O Street.
Yards dtli and M Sts.
Phone 440,
German National Bank,
U.K. MonlRouicry, President.
IleriuanlH. Hehnburir, Vlco l'resl,
Jrmcph lloehtuer, Cashier,
O, .1. Wilcox, Aunt. Cnshlor.
Capital . . . $100,000.00
Surplus . . . 30,000.00
nasi ts a General Banking Business
Ustiei.o'tnra of credit, draw drafts on all pari
of the world. 1'orelKii collections a specially
Telephone 225.
Atcliisoii, Leavenworth, St. Joseph, Kansas
City, St. Louis and all Points South,
F.ast and West.
The direct line to Ft. Scott, Parsons
Wichita, Hutchinson and nil principal
points In Kansas.
The only road to the Great Hot Springs
of. Arkansas. Pullman Sleepers and Vrec
Reclining Chair Cars oi all trains.
City Ticket A gt. Gsi'i gnt.
Leave Your Orders for
Periodicals, Novels
and anything in the Newsdealers and Stationers line at
Wessel-Stevens Printing Company's
Coal Co,
all klmUof
Canon City,
Rock Springs,
City Passenger Agent,
'1001 0 Street
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