CAPITAL CITY COURIER, SATURDAY MARCH 26, 1892.
The Next Number Especially Good.
TALES FROM
Town Topics
READ BY ALL MEN AND WOMEN.
1'ubllatml flrat day of lreemher, Marctt,
Jun. and 8eptembrr.
DELICATE, DAINTY. WITTY,
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I'KR YKAlt, poiteRO FltKK.
This brilliant Quarterly reproduce the brat
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clam, etc., from the back number of that
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Town Tories, which la published tctrkty. Sub
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ll(Kr,a-4 atari
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pritlnr all your
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anel H tiaa
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tvrry workar.
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1 523310
Not Ola.
A "mlnlatcr'a man" In Scotland was one
Bunday afternoon following his master to
church, when thu minister happening to
turn nb tut detected uu unwonted stnllo on
his face.
"What makes you laugh, James' It la
unseemly. What Is there tonmusu your"
"Oh, nothing particular," aaya James.
"I wfi onl thinking of sotiifcthlng that
hapcncd this forenoou."
"What was that'"
"Well, air, don't lo angry with me, hut
you know tho congregation aro not pleased
to hear old sermons from you, and this
morning I got thu better of thorn, any
way."
"And how was that, James?" says the
minister.
"Well, sir, when we canto out of the
church this forenoon I know what they
wcru thinking: sosays I, 'Well, you cannot
call this morning's sermon an old one, for
it's not over six weeks slncu you last hoard
It.' "Youth's Companion.
Htrategy,
Ho I am In lovo. Will you ho my con
fldantuf She Certainly. I am at yoursorvlco.
He Well, would you ndvlsu mo to pro
pose, to your Llfo.
Could !niiroe on tlio Aillco.
Ho might have heen forty-llvo or fifty
yearn old, and wits apparently In comforta
ble circumstances. Ho was well dressed,
and as he sat in front of the big lire at tlio
club he pulTcd meditatively at n cigar.
The young man sitting near him was
scowling at thu lire its hu smoked his cigar.
"Just on thu threshold of your literary
career," said thu old gentleman at last In
terrogatlvely
The young man acquiesced with a move
ment of his head.
"You huvuit hard struggle ahead of you,"
said thu old man. "1 know what It Is. It
takes a long tlmo to secure recognition."
Thu young man admitted tho truth of the
assertion by another nod.
"It requires patience, persuvcranco and
constant Improvement," continued tho old
man complacently. "Onu musn't get dis
couraged. I was almost ready to givo up
onco or twice, hut I kept right on, and novr
I can sell anything I wrlto at a good prico
And let me give you another piece of ml
vicu: Always read your stories over ill
print. There Is nothing liko it for improv
lug a man's style. He sees tho flawa lu
print when lie would overlook them In
manuscript."
The young man took his cigar out of his
mouth and looked at thu other curiously.
"That's your advice, is it?" hu asked at
last.
"It is."
"It's tlio best you can give, I supposof"
"Why, yes. I don't think of anything in
H general way that's moru Important."
"Well, from my limited experience I can
improve on it mightily."
"Howf"
"By prefixing it with 'First get your
Btory in print.' "Chicago Tribune.
A Wild Goi.no Cliuae.
Chappie (faintly) Ooctah, my-aw-head
feels awful' Docs grip uvah go to tho
hraluf
Doctor Sometimes.
Chappie I have pains rushln around nil
ovali, In me arms and hands and feet and
everywhere.
Doctor That's grip.
Chappie What's it trying to do, doc tali f
Doctor Trying to llnd your bralu. I
guess. New York Weekly.
I!xciikiiIiIo.
"Talk about mean men. I'vo read a
good deal about them; but thu meanest
man Is the fellow who steals my Jokes
without credltl" exclaimed tlio humorist
to the editor.
"Well, rather," said thu editor; "but
you must remember that the man who
would steal your Jokes must be exceeding
ly hard up. and, besides, there Is no credit
in It, one way or another." IJostou Post.
A Fellow Feeling.
Grumbling Consumer (at gas company's
ofllce,) lietwcen footpads and gas hills a
man's llfo Is hardly worth living any more.
Clerk Have thu footpads Ikjcii after
your
Grumbling Consumer (handing over a
twenty dollar bill) No. Thoy know I'm a
customer of yOura. Chicago Trlbuuc.
Hliu Wits Sorry.
Ho (at II p. m.) -There's one thing I'd
do, MibsSmithlugton, If I were rich.
Slio (wearily) What is that, Mr. Linger
lyf
He I'd travel.
She (sympathetically) I'm so sorry, Mr.
Liugcrly, that you are not rich. Detroit
Freu Press.
A' Happy Condition,
First Officer's Servant to Second Ditto
What's the matter with you. You look
us happy as a skylark.
"And no wonder. You seu, my liuutuu
ant sent me to get a cluvse, and I drop)ed
it In the mud mj I was allowed to eat it
myself." Fllegende lllatter.
Explaining u M)tury.
Ilrlggs Strange things happen. A
Hronklyu policeman was seen walking the
streets at midnight recently.
Griggs What was the troublof
Hrlggs Upon investigation it turned
out that hu was a somnambulist. Life.
Turns III l'.yv Auy.
"Hi-fore hu married me John said he
would love me too well ever to seu me
build a lire."
"Anddoelier
"Yes. He never looks at mo when I am
building It." Washington Star.
II l Life Work.
Smith So you are a poetf And may I
ask how you make your livtugr
Rondo Oh, i win nil the fasting compe
titions at the dime museums. Jester.
Young In tho llimincKn.
"What do you think of your now gov
erness, Tommy"
"Oh, she's all rlht for a beginner, but
shu'll soon learn." Boston Post.
4$ 9
A Rliiry with a Moral,
Ho knocked at the hack door of a subur
ban house and the cook opened It, Ho was
a sinister looking fellow and she held on
to tho door.
"luly of tho hott-u In'" ho Inquired
Kruflly.
"No," trembled tho cook.
"Man of tho house heruf
"No."
"Nono of tho H'oplo In"
"Nono hut me," nnd alio tried to shut
tho door.
"Aw, coma off," he growled, setting his
foot against It: "I guess I'll coma In and
have a gixsl eat. Step lively now er I'll
grab you."
She let go of the door and tho tramp
forged In and fell Into thu arms of a big
policeman, who was courting thu cook
contrary to orders. Detroit Freo Press,
IHdn't Want It.
"Do yo kape butter here"
"Kape butter, yu grccuhurnl I'vo kepft
butler this twenty years."
"Wull, kape It then. It'a too ould for
me," Smith & Gray's Monthly.
Crniiu's New Servant (llrl.
"Speaking of servant girls," said Cranu,
tho actor, to a friend who was recently en
tertaining him with an account of his ex
periences with the tribe, "wo had onu up at
Cohuset last summer that simply took the
bakery and everything appertaining thuro
unto. She was named Maria, and she
came with a lutterof recommendation from
a family of our acquaintance. They said
thatshu was honest and faithful, hut a III
tie crude and needed training. Imagining
that the latter fault could kooii Imj rem
edled, we engaged her and upolutod her
to thu then vacant position of waitress lu
ordinary.
"On thu afternoon of her arrival I gave a
little dinner to a few of my professional
friends and felt particularly anxious to
have thu alTair go olT smoothly. With this
end lu view Maria wax put through a little
preliminary drilling lieforehand, In thu
co uixe of which she managed to smash thu
fish platter of a valuable set of china and
display thu fact that shu didn't know any
moru nhout waiting on a table than shu
did of writing comlcsougs in Sanscrit. Thu
guests arrived, and in fear and trembling I
took my seat. Wu prepared for thu pn
liminary oysters. They did not come, I
thumped the hell without eliciting a re
sponse from the uouevldeut Maria. TI10.1
I breathed her name softly, but lu vain; I
breathed it again, same result, and finally
I reached for upper C and called for'.Marlal
in tones that rattled the plates.
"A capped and hcrlbboucd head thrust It
self around the comer of the dining room
door, and In tones of calm Inquiry the
yMcCounell, the ijiucago numui mi,-.. .
, win aiar 111 it, next season,
A Miss Luclllu Loring of New York has
iinadea new dramatization of "Ostler Joo"
which is to bo presented with a competent
company sometime next month.
A novelty of tho coming summer season
ji iu 00 uiuycio companies running over mo
union ami piaying a tarco comeuy oacu nigut
in the smaller towns near summer resorts.
I Hovt's newest tilav. "The Temperance
Town," has mado a great lilt in Buffalo.
Cant and hyocrlsy is dealt a blow, but at
the i-amo tlmo tho play Is as full of fun as
aro all of Mr. Hoyt's pieces.
J. II. Polk, once a star, lias fallen out of
tho theatrical (Imminent and is digging gold
"It's too Inn..'"
"Blow It, then."
"I am afraid to."
"Whyr"
"For fear It will blow
mall." Texas Slftlngs.
away, it's so
Hi (Jreut MUtuke.
Featherstone liOok here, Undo, I lent
you $1 the other day to buy you a pair ol
troiihcis with, hut I haven't seen you wear
them yet.
Uncle Kbouy No, sail. Do fac' is I madu
u big mistake- about dem pants, sah. I
found dat I could get a pair for $1.50, sah.
So deu I went out and spent I.W).
Featherstono Well, didn't you got the
trousers with thu other Sl.f0
Uncle Ebony No, sah; tint's do funny
part of it. You seu, I madu er mistake and
spent thu l.r0 I was going to buy tho pant
with first. Clothier mid Furnisher.
Not I'omdtile.
Head of Firm Mr. Travers, while you
were out a man came in to collect a bill
from you for an ulster which he said hod
been running for a year. Can't you pay
for your clothes, sir, out of the liberal sal
ary wo give your
Travers No, sir, I can't do It and bo 1
gentleman. Clothier and Furnisher.
Ill ItUCIIIIIIIIUIIlllltloll,
Brlggs Howdo you like your now fur
nueu, Griggsr
Griggs Oh, It'H Just splendid.
Hriggs-oCdu you recommend It aa a
bung up good hentcr
Griggs No; but I recommend It as n
bang up good refrigerator. Harper's Ba
zar A (iiiod N'atiireil Soul.
July's Maid (to her ladyship, reclining
111 and faint in hur easy chair, while thu
doctor is in attendance) If It Is too much
trouble for madauiu I shall bu most happy
to let the doctor feel my pulse instead of
your ladyship's. Neueste Wluo.
Ilrouk'ht Out the Wrinkle.
Clara Isn't Mr. Banger's dress suit
wrinkled uwfullyr I suppose It is hecnuss
he navels so much with It.
Maude Yes. He told my brother ha
had Ihii'ii traveling with It for fourteen
years. Clothier and Furnisher.
A Siilllelent Iteamm.
Judge Why did you not at oncu tako
the purse you round to the polku station
Pilwmer It was so late at night.
Judge And thu next uioriilugr
Prisoner Theie was nothing left lu it,
HuuiorlstNche Blatter.
She Got What Shu Wanted.
"I was Imuud to marry a nobleman or
nothing," rumiukcd an American girl re
turning with a foreign husband.
"I guess jou got Isith," said hur father,
and went on making out a check. Detroit
Freo Press,
The Ttinuicht TraiismlUrr,
It was the seventeenth tlmo that ho had
madu a visit lu the hope that ho could col
lect tho entlro amount of tho hill or at
least get something on lt,hutns lui.cntend
thu door hu wasgreeled by tho debtor with)
"I know Itl I would havo lad my llfo on
It!"
"On what" asked thu collector.
"Mental telegraphy. It's a clear case
tho best Illustration of thought transmis
sion I oversaw. I'vo had you In my mind
for two hours, wanted to seo you awfully,
but didn't know how to reach you, so I Just
took a seat and thought of you and how
badly I wanted to seo you and hero you
are."
"Why did you wish to seo mor"
"I wanted to tell you that I can't nay you
anything on that hill until a week front
nuxt Wed nesdiw. Just think oY It; by thu
utlllratlou of it currents and electricity in
conjunction with mental furcu I brought
you to me. Reasonable, Isn't It'"
"And that's mental tolcgrunhyf"
"Yes, or U'tter yet, wo call It thought
transmission. It Is thu most recent marvel
lu science and the most remarkable lav
cause, while we know that the power ex
lata we do not know Its form, wu havo U3
comprehension as to Its operation and wu
cannot analyze It."
"Uui-m. 'Thought transmission,' Well,
about II o'clock tomorrow morning," said
tho creditor, "you Just get a grip through
your unknown aerial telegraph machine
on mu and see what comes of It. You'll
llnd that I have an attachment on your
entlro outfit, and that a constable and my
self will la) ready to start after you and
yours forthwith," And as tho speaker
walked out savagely tho philosopher laid
his head on Ills desk moaning, "And that
Is all tho common herd cares for tlio great
mysteries of human Intercourse." Detroit
Freu Press.
From Had to Worse.
A lady whose Christian naino was Juno
and whoso llttludaughtur was named after
her engaged a housukeeier who was also a
Jane.
Thinking that threu Janes in otio house
hold might occasion confusion, thu lady
said to the newcomer, who wits a tall, an
gular woman, with a rigid air nnd an un
compromising cast of countenance, "I
think, June, It will bo butter for mu to call
you by your bust name, if you havo no ob
jection." "No'm, I havo no objections," answered
the housokveper, standing sillily erect,
valise In hand. "Call mo 'Darling,' ma'iuu,
If you prefer That 'a my namol" Youth's
Companion.
They Woro Thumper.
Two men met and adjourned to a neigh
boring saloon to talk over old acquaint
ance lu answer to Inquiries as to thu dlf
feieut mcmlsjrM of Ills family, onu man
paid;
"My eldest girl thumps tho pluuo."
"And herslsturf"
"Oh, shu thumps thu washboard."
"But yourwlfur"
"Shu thumps 1110." Detroit Freo Press.
A Ntiirtlor.
Doctor If your husband's hiccoughs
don't stop very soon, madam, hu'll hu a
dead man. There Is only ouu thing to In
done. Ho must Ih staitled out of them.
Can you suggest any way
Anxious Wife (thoughtfully) I might
tell him that I had decided not to order
that now silk dress. Cloak Ituvluw.
Admit AJux,
"Fathur," itsked Tommy, "why did Aiax
ify the lightning"
"Because, my sou, Ajax was a French
k'cllst, and thu lightning was known to
Iss 0,001) times where It hit onco. Moro-
rer, It was B00 miles away, and wasn't
Lhtulug at the time. Ajax know whom
defy." Tuxas Slftiugs.
lie Wit a l.lttln I.uto.
"That was quite a little Jokoof mine,"
1 said, with enthusiasm, after hu luul ox-
ted himself with a bou mot. "Did you
oil'"
"Oh, yes," sho unsworvd wearily, "I saw
lastweuk lu a newspaper." Washington
rStar.
A Poor Hi-ginning.
Young Nobles (to his future mamma-in-law)
Photograph of you hero. Really you
must have been good looking when you
were young I I mean you must hnvo
been ahem qultu young when you were
good looking. Drake's Magazine.
Head of thu llonau.
Biltor Do you know who I can get to
taku charge of my house
Wltherby You might get my wife's
dressmaker. Shu is running ours Just at
present. Cloak Review.
Ho Was lu 11 Hurry.
Patsy McKenna (In an electric car which
has broken down) Wull, iiv this car don't
bo after moving soon, Ol'll tnko tho ouu bo-
down) Well, iiv this car don't
vlng soon, Ol'll tako tho onu bo- NEW NEWS DEPOT.
van! Lampoon.
Utyat an? You Qoii7 to do ttyis 5Pril?'
Jrauel ?
bolut. Harvard Lampoon
You give oats to a strong vigorous
s)inpathy for his hunger, or to he rlil of
well represented in tho West, the worthless ones make the most i
profitable returns, the other as vou
business and profit vs. sentiment
ask where to put jour "oats", or the
J. FRANCIS,
Gen, Passenger Agent,
OMAHA.
A MODERN
1
.am BPaBHHiEfiQTsLaiCaTaBaBTs v
TolanhnnA i 7 fill bW bEEEBSbESSbEEvKbQH alBRFM atVT sialWTl
.jjJJMJjQJjgjJCj
Moving Household Goods and Pianos a Specialty
Lincoln
Dealer In
COAL AND WOOD.
Office m-5 O Street,
Yards dth and M Sis.
Phone no,
German National Bank,
.hVCOLX, A'it,
U.K. MonlKoniery, 1'realdenl.
1lermauH. HebnberK, Vice Treat.
Joseph lloehtuor, Caahlur,
(). .1. Wilcox, Aaal.Cnahlor.
Capital . . . $100,000,00
Surplus . . . 30,000.00
ran si ts a General Banking Business
Uauea.o tor of credit, draw drafts 1111 all parts
or tlio world. KorelKii eollerlloua aHsclally
Telephone 225.
PAST MAIL ROUTE !
2 DAILY TRAINS 2
-ro-
Atchlson, Leavenworth, St. Joacpli,Kanas
City, St. Louis and all Points South,
Fast and West.
Thu direct line to Ft. Scott, Parsons
Wichita, Hutchinson and nil principal
points In Kansas.
The only road to the Great Hot Springs
ol Arkansas. Pullman Sleepers and Free
Kccllnlng Chair Cars on all train.
J. E. R. MILLAR, R. V. R, MILLAR,
City Ticket Agt. tisn'l g!nt.
Leave Your Orders for
NEWS
Periodicals, Novels'
MAGAZINES.
and anything in the Newsdealers and Stationers line at
Wessel-Stevens Printing Company's
horse with self assurance of returning
his offensive whine. Railroads of both
m noise. 011 prtronue the former with conlidcncc in
fling hreaiUo the Yj)iiJng dog out of charity
nnd pence. The cost Is about the same, and
"crust of bread"? You can easily tell by
RAILROAD WITH FAULTLESS
Coal Co.
all kinds of
JOHN D00LITTLE,
Mimiigci.
Canon City,
Bock Springs,
Vulcan,
"
ITXUJ-lUUttt, ,,i
Scranton,
Anthracite.
profit You feed a worthless cur out of
the horse and the dog class arc pretty
or "to get of em."
jou ought to have ) our choice,
looking alout a bit.
A. C. ZIEMER,
City Passenger Agent,
LINCOLN.
EQUIPMENT,
OFFIOE
'1001 0 Street.
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