Nebraska Newspapers

    POOR JOHN NEATLY CAUGHT
Cleverly Contrived Trap That Led to
the Downfall of One Forget
ful Husband.
He had returned home In the eve
ning tired and ready for a restful hour
or two.
"John, my love," said his little wife
■sweetly, “did you post that letter I
gave you this morning?"
"Yes, my pet,” said John, hiding his
conscience-stricken face behind the
newspaper.
"Well, what Is your answer?" still
more aweetly.
"Wh—what Is what?” gasped John.
"What Is your answer, dear?” said
his little wife, clearly. “That letter
was addressed to you."
“Addressed to me?” exclaimed John.
"1 didn't notice It."
And then, like a foolish man, he
fell into the trap and produced the
tetter from his pocket to see. The
-envelope was not addressed to him;
bat a long and severe lecture was
-shortly after.
Paid Minister In Tinfoil.
The meanest man In the world has
been found. He Is the man who gave
the Eev. Thilo Gore, pastor of the
German Lutheran church, an envelope
Ailed with tinfoil for marrying him.
The bride and groom rang Dr.
Gore’s doorbell late one night and
asked him to marry them. As they
had a license, he did so. After the
ceremony was performed the man
handed the minister an envelope
Which was supposed to contain the
the. He found It contained nothing
but several pieces of tinfoil.—Chicago
Tribune.
Probably Prize Grouch.
A grouchy butcher, who had watch
ed the price of porterhouse steak
climb the ladder of fame, was deep
In the throes of an unusually bad
grouch when a would-be customer, 8
years old, approached him and handed
him a penny.
“Please, mister, I want a cent's
worth of sausage.”
Turning on the youngster with a
-growl, he let forth this burst of good
-salesmanship:
"Go smell o’ the hook."—New Or
leans Dolly States.
Doing His Part.
“What part are you taking In the
war on flies?*’
“I do sentry duty at the breakfast
table over the milk pitcher every
.morning."
NO MEDICINE
But Change of Food Gave Final Relief.
'Most diseases start In the alimen
tary canal—stomach and bowelB.
A great deal of our stomach and
towel troubles come from eating too
•much starchy and greasy food.
The stomach does not digest any
<cf the starchy food we eat—white
Bread, pastry, potatoes, oats, etc.—
these things are digested in the small
Intestines, and if we eat too much, aB
most of us do, the organs that should
digest this kind of food are overcome
by excess of work, so that fermenta
tion, indigestion, and a long train of
dls result.
Too much fat also Is hard to dlgeBt
end this la changed Into acids, sour
•tomach, belching gas, and a bloated,
heavy feeling.
In these conditions a change from
Indigestible foods to Grape-Nuts will
work wonders in not only relieving
■the distress hut in building up a
strong digestion, clear brain and
-steady nerves. A Wash, woman
writes:
“About live years ago I suffered
with bad stomach—dyspepsia. Indiges
tion. constipation—caused, I know
now, from overeating Btarchy and
creasy food.
"I doctored for two years without
-wny benefit. The doctor told me there
was no cure for me. I could not eat
anything without suffering severe
pain In my back and sides, and I be
.came discouraged.
“A friend recommended Grape-Nuts
xtnd I began to use It. In less that
two weeks I began to feel better anti
Inside of two months I was a well
woman and have been ever since.
"I can eat anything I w^h wltt
pleasure. We eat Grape-Nuts anc
-cream for breakfast and are verj
fond of it.” Name given by Postun
Co., Battle Creek, Mich.
Bead the little book, "The Roac
to Wellville,” in pkgs. "There’s i
> reason.”
Ever reed the above lettert A aev
ewe appear* from time to time. The;
are genuine, true, Bad full of bumaj
dBtcrtit. Adv.
ffoiab*
The host was nervous and Inexpe
rienced and he rose hurriedly at the
conclusion af the song. "Ladles and
—er, gentleman,” he began, "before
Mr. M. started to—er—sing, he asked
me to apologise for his—er—voice,
but I omitted to do so—er—so—I—er
—apologize now.”
Mrs. Stronghead had Just thrown
a paving stone through a drug store
window, merely to prove that she was
entitled to vote, and had been marched
oft to Jail. "Thank heaven," said
Stronghead. "That settles the problem
of ‘where shall we spend the sum
mer,' anyhow."
Many years ago, when Senator In
galls was In the senate, oleomargarine
was a bone of contention. The de
bate led Ingalls to utter one of those
epigrammatic sentences which made
him famous. "I have never, to my
knowledge, tasted oleomargarine," said
Ingalls, "‘but I have stood In the
presence of genuine butter with awe
for its strength and reverence for its
antiquity."
Senator Cullom of Illinois was ask
ed by a correspondent why the com
mittee on foreign relations had en
joined secrecy on the text of the new
treaty with Great Britain, when the
text of the treaty was printed In all
the morning papers. “JuBt so, Just
so,” said the senator; “that’s the rea
son the Injunction of secrecy was
placed upon the treaty. We knew
that if we made It public at once not
a paper in the country would print Its
full text.”
It Is related that one night after
an opera ball a gay party trooped
Into the cafe of Blgnon, the famous
Paris restauranteur, who recently
passed away, and persisted In being
served by the proprietor himself. The
old gentleman was In bed. but he got
up and threw the traditional serviette
of the waiter across his arm. When
the bill was sent up the diners were
indignant. At the end of a financial
ly muoh-splced note appeared: “For
being served by Blgnon, one thousand
francs.” He got the money after
many protests, and handed It over to
a charity.
Naturally, they were married, for she
ordered him about In a most Imperious
way. The longest lane has Its turning,
however, and one day, after a particu
larly violent outbreak on the part of
the lady, the husband attempted to re
duce the woman's rights In his own
household.
‘‘Do you think you rule the uni
verse?” he inquired sarcastically, when
the moment came for him to edge in
a word.
“No." came the prompt reply, “I do
not. But I rule the first letter of it!”
And once again the mere man real
ized he was indeed the under dog.
Senator Borah was talking at a
dinner In BoIbs about an embarrass
ing question that had been asked at
Chicago. "The question,” he said,
smiling, "went unanswered. It was
like little Willie’s query. A young
gentleman was spending the week-end
at little Willie's cottage at Atlantic
City, and on Sunday evening after
dinner, there being a scarcity of chairs
on the crowded piazza, the young
gentleman took Willie on his lap.
Then during a pause In the conver
sation little Willie looked up at the
young gentleman and piped: ’Am I
as heavy as sister Mabel?’”
Christy Churchill’s father owned the
present site of the race track In Lex
ington; hence the name Churchill
downs.
Christy was at the track during the
spring meeting and a friend introduced
him to a stranger.
The stranger grabbed Churchill’s
hand and said effusively: “No, I’ve
never had the pleasure of meeting you
before, Mr. Downs, but I’ve often heard
of you."
United States Senator Ollle James,
of Kentucky, is bald.
"Does being bald bother you much?”
a candid friend asked him once.
"Yes; a little,” answered truthful
James.
“I suppose you feel the cold severly
In winter." went on the friend.
"No; It's not that so much," said
the senator. “The main bother Is
In washing myself—unless I keep my
hat on I don’t know where my face
stops!”
Walter (to bridegroom)—will you
have French bread, elrT
Young Bride (to husband)—Take
ordinary household, John. French
bread must be stale before It gets here.
Of brave deeds done upon the battle
field ajid amid the thunder of cannons
and the cries of the wounded and dy
ing, of heroes of the Victoria Cross, and
great generals who rose from small be
ginnings, the teacher told her class,
firing them with enthusiasm for their
mother country. "Please, miss,” cried
one little girl excitedly, "my father
was in the Boer war!" "And did he
fight In any of the battiest" Inquired
the teacher. “Oh, yes,” answered the
little maid. “B ■ was at Gras pan an’
Modder River an’ Pardburg, an'—”
“And was he wounded In any of
them?" pursued the teacher
The little girl’s face fell. “No, miss,
he wasn’t wounded," she replied. "But
please, miss, 'e had a awful ’eadache!”
They were seated In the dim light
of a conservatory. She was playing
with her fan, and he was murmuring
soft speeches in her ear. Suddenly he
leaned forward and Impressed a kiss
on her soft cheek.
"Oh, Charlie,’’ she cried, "how you
frightened mol”
Then after a few minutes she said:
"Frighten me again. Charlie.”
A teacher was endeavoring to Instill
Into the mind of a thick-headed youth
the difference between linear square
and cubic measures. After a
lengthy explanation he asked him the
following question:
"Now Johnny, suppose your mother
wished to take the measurements for
a new carpet. What measure would
she use?”
After a great deal of anxious deliber
ation the lad answered:
"If you please, sir, a tape measure.”
Up In Vermont a farmer hired a
neighbor’s boy to work for him. The
new hand was ordered to report for
duty dally at 4 a. m.
For three days he was punctual to
the minute, but on the fourth day he
overslept himself. It was half past 4
beforo the new hand reached his em
ployer's banyard. The old farmer was
milking.
"Well, you kin go right back whar
you’ve been wastin’ the hull forenoon
and spend what’s left of the day there.
[ I don’t want nobody workln' for me
that’ll fritter away practically a hull
mornin’ like this.'**
r Herbert J. Pattee, an old-time legiti
mate actor and a member of the
> famous Booth and Barrett combine
tlon, reformed, and is now uving lux
uriously oft the money obtained from
valuable Inventions, but he still likes
to talk about the ups and downs of
Shakespeare. "A friend and 1 once
passed a theater in Washington,” said
Mr. Pattee, "just as the performance
had let out. My friend met an ac
quaintance who was coming out of the
theater. We were Ignorant as to the
attraction, so my friend asked his ac
quaintance what sort of a perform
ance he had been witnessing. ‘Hamlet,’
said the acquaintance. ‘Ah, “Ham
let,” ’ said my friend. ‘I suppose that
you are now filled with all sorts of con
jectures as to whether Hamlet was
really mad.’ ’The Hamlet tonight,’
said the acquaintance, left no
doubt on that point. He was not alone
mad—he was frantic. There weren’t a
hundred people in the house.’ ”
For three solid hours the captain had
been lecturing his men on “the duties of
a soldier,” and he thought it was time to
see how much they had understood of his
discourse. Casting his eyes around the
room he fixed on Private Murphy as his
first victim.
“Private Murphy,” he asked, “why
should a soldier be ready to die for his
country 7”
Private Murphy scratched his head for
a moment, and then a smile of enlighten
ment crossed his face.
“Sure, captin.” he said pleasantly,
“you're quite right. Why should he?”
The Scotchman possesses a genius
for business, as the following dialogue
would indicate. One of his favorite
proverbs is, “He will soon be a beggar
who does not know how to say no.” A
laird of Lanarkshire was one day ac
costed by one of his neighbors as fol
lows: “Laird, I need 20 pounds ster
ling. If you will be kind enough to
accept my note, you will be repaid in
three months.” “No, it is impossible,
Donald.” “But why, laird? You have
often rendered a like service to your
friends.” “Impossible, Donald, I re
peat.” “Then you mean to refuse me?”
“Listen, Donald, and follow my reason
ing: As soon as I accepted your note
you would draw the 20 pounds?”
“Yes.” “When the maturity of the
note arrived, I know you, and that you
would not be ready. Then we should
quarrel. Very well! but, Donald, I
should rather that we should quarrel
at once, while the 20 pounds is in my
pocket.”
Having been cautioned by the prose
cuting attorney not to let the counsel
for the defendant trick him Into alter
ing testimony, the old negro on the
witness stand braced himself grimly
for the ordeal of cross examination. He
had Just derailed on direct examination
how he had seen the prisoner murder
his victim, throty away his razor, an<J
flee from the scene!
“You say you saw this man drop
his razor and run away?” demanded
counsel for the defendant In chal
lenging tone.
"No, suh. Ah nevah said dat,” de
clared the witness.
The attorney consulted his notes a
moment, then turned fiercely on the
witness again.
'Do you mean to tell this court and
jury,” he thundered, "that you did not
say a few minutes ago that you saw
this defendant throw down his razor
and run away?”
"No, sur. Ah nevah did,” Insisted the
old man stubbornly. "An, no lawyah
can make me say somethin’ Ah knows
I didn’t say.”
"Well, what did you say?” demanded
the exasperated counsel.
"Ah nevah said Ah saw him,” re
sponded the old darkey slowly, with
dignity. “Ah said^Ah seen him!”
"Now, gentlemen!” called the auc
tioneer hoarsely, as he held up a sus
piciously yellow “gold” watch. "What
offers for this—this beautful chrono
meter? Guaranteed sound In wind and
11—er—warranted to keep good time—
or—and”
Even he couldn’t think of things to
say about the watch he was selling.
"Please may I bid?” called a modest
young man quickly, from the back of
the room.
"Certainly, my dear sir—certainly I”
replied the auctioneer delightedly.
All eyes turned quickly to the spot
where stood the auctioneer’s Innocent
victim.
"Well, then,” said the young man
composedly, "I’ll bid you—good night!”
She put down the book with a sigh.
"What Is It, darling?” he asked.
"Ah, dearest. I’m so happy," she re
plied.
"But you had such a sad look In
your eyes Just now.”
“I know. I’ve been reading about
the unhappiness that the wives of men
of genius have always had to bear.
Oh, Alfred, I'm so glad you're Just an
ordinary sort of a^ fellow.”
The late Thomas B. Reed, when a
lad. was requested to ball out a small
boat that had been leaking badly, and
was almost full of water.
"I can’t do It,” replied Tom. “It’s
unconstitutional.”
"What do you mean?" Inquired the
owner of the boat.
“The constitution of the United
States says,” replied the future states
man, “that ‘excesive bail shall not be
required’ of any man.”
Twelve good men and true were
wanted, but the court had rather a
trouble to obtain a satisfactory Jury.
There seemed to be something against
each of the persons who had been
called.
“Is there any reason why you
shouldn't act Impartially toward the
prisoner?” asked the official, when an
other man’s turn came around for ex
amination.
“Yes,” came the reply, as the Juror
who-mlght-have-been pointed toward a
person In the well of the court. “I am
prejudiced against that man already.
His face makes me think him guilty!”
A rather turgid orator, noted for his
verbosity and heaviness, was once as
signed to do some campaigning In a
mining camp In the mountains. There
were about 60 miners present when he
began. But when, at the end of a
couple of hours, he gave no sign of
finishing, his listeners dropped away.
Some went back to work, but the ma
jority sought places to quench their
thirst, which had been aggravated by
the dryness of the discourse. Finally
there was only one auditor left, a
dilapidated, weary looking old fellow.
Fixing his gaze on him. the orator
pulled out a large six-shooter and laid
it on the table. The old fellow rose
slowly and drawled out: “Bo you
going to shoot if I go?” "You bet I
am," replied the speaker. “I’m bound
to finish my speech, even If I have to
shoot to keep an audience.” The old
fellow sighed In a tired manner and
edged slowly away, saying as he did
so: “Well, shoot If you want to. I
may Jest as well be shot as talked to
death.”
Lowell once met an acquaintance (of
dubious standing), whose cheerful face
and happy demeanor led him to ask
the cause of such exuberant felicity.
"Why,” said the genial smller, "I’ve
discovered a way to make my fortune.
We all know that the reason for the
fine flavor of the wild duck Is the wild
celery on which It feeds. Now I pro
pose to feed It to the domestic duck,
and supply the market.” Some week*
later, on meeting his acquaintance
again Lowell found him quite depressed
and Inconsolable. "Why are you look
ing so unhappy? I thought, the last
time I saw you, that you were on the
point of making your fortune with
ducks. Wouldn’t It work?” “No,” was
the reply, "the d—n things won't eat
It.”
A bachelor who lived near Parle
managed to secure much amusement
out of a "topsy-turvey room,” which he
had built In his house. A gentleman,
who was one of a stag party that vis
ited him from Saturday to Monday,
says: "When we woke up, about 1
o’clock, on Sunday morning, after a
Jolly evening, one of our number, sound
asleep on the couch In the billiard room
was carried out like a log by a couple
of servants. My host gave me a sol
emn wink, and told me that If a sud
den summons came I was to rush from
my bedroom, or else I might miss a
sight worth seeing. I wanted nothing
but sleep—and was relieved when the
summons came to find that It was
broad daylight. Yawning, I followed
the valet, and found myself, with four
others, silently peeping through little
holes In a wall. The scene was ab
surd. ridiculous. A dozen men, slowly
waking to full consciousness, was ly
ing on a plastered floor, looking up In
horror at a carpeted celling. Two
heavy couches, an easy chair, chairs
and tables, securely fastened, stared
down at him from above. The man’s
eyes at last rested on a flower pot di
rectly over his head, from which a
flaring rose—apparently real—was
blooming. He gave a cry, and, rolling
over, grasped with frenzied hands the
stem of the chandelier which came up
through the floor. The host burst Into
the room with a loud laugh. "They all
do It,” he cried, “they fear they will fall
up to the celling.” ^
Secretary Wilson was talking about
the record crops of 1912. “These won
derful crops,” he said, "are almost
enough to make you believe the cross
cut saw story. A farmer, you know,
sent his hired man to a neighbor’s with
a note, saying: ‘Friend Smith: Will
you please lend me your cross-cut saw,
as I wish to cut a watermelon up, so
as to get It Into my dray.’ The neighbor
wrote back: ‘Friend Jones: I would
be glad to lend you my saw, but same
has Just got stuck In a canteloupe.’ ”
"When I first decided to allow the
people of Tupelo to use my name as
a candidate for congress I went out to
a neighboring parish to speak,” said
Private John Allen recently to some
friends at the old Metropolitan hotel
In Washington.
"An old darkey came up to greet me
after the meeting. ‘Marse Allen,’ he
said, Ts powerful glad to see you. I’s
known ob yo’ sense yo’ wuz a baby.
Knew yo' pappy long befo’ yo-all wua
bohn, too. He used to hold de same of
fice you got now. I ’members how he
held dat same office to' years an’
years.’
" What office do you mean, uncle?1
I asked, as I never knew pop held any
office.
“Why, de office of candidate, Marse
John; yo’ pappy was a candidate fo’
many years.”
A
During a discussion of the fitness of
things In general some one asked:
“If a young man takes his best girl to
the grand opera, spends a $10 note on a
supper after the performance, and then
takes her home in a taxicab, should he
kiss her good night?”
An old bachelor who was present
growled:
“I don’t think she ought to expect it.
Seems to me he has done enough for
her."
"You must have had a terrible experi
ence, with no food and mosquitoes swarm
ing around you," said a friend to the ship
wrecked mariner who had been cast away
upon a tropical Island.
“You Just bet I had a terrible experi
ence,” he acknowledged. "My experience
was worse than that of the man who
wrote ’Water, water everywhere, but not
a drop to drink.' With me It was bites,
bites everywhere, but not a bite to eat.”
Frank P. Morse, the press agent,
walked into a fashionable hotel In Chi
cago one evening and wrote on the
register the set of peculiar hieroglyph
ics which he is pleased to call his sig
nature. "How much will you charge
me for a room and bath?” he Inquired,
with an air of a man to whom money
was not a question. The clerk told
him. “Yes, yes,” said Morse, with ex
treme urbanity. “Quite so. Now I
would like to see Mr. James.” “What
Mr. James,” asked the clerk. “Mr.
James, the propretor of this hotel,” ex
plained Morse. What was more to the
point, he grew very peevish when the
clerk Insisted that Mr. James was not
the proprietor of the hotel, and that no
Mr. James was In the house. “You
can't kid me,” said Morse angrily. “I
want to see Mr. James, the proprietor
of this hotel, and I want to see him
quick. I mean Mr. Jesse James, the
most notorious robber of modern
times—brother of Frank.”
A North Carolina negro was brought
out on the gallows to be hanged for
murder.
"Henry,” said the sheriff, "have you
anything to say?”
“Yas, suh,” said the condemned man.
‘Tse got a few words to say. I merely
wishes to state dat dls suttinly Is
goln’ to be a lesson^to me!"
Aunt Caroline and the partner of
her woes evidently found connubial
bliss a misnomer, for the sounds of
war were often heard down In the little
cabin In the hollow. Finally the pair
were hailed Into court, and the dusky
lady entered a charge of abusive lan
guage against her spouse. The judge,
who had known them all his life, en
deavored to pour oil on the troubled
waters.
"What did he say to you, Caroline?"
he asked.
"Why, Jedge. I Jes’ caln't tell you all
dat man say to me."
"Does he ever use hard language?"
"Does yo‘ mean cussln'? Yassuh,
not wlf his mouf, but he’s always glvin'
me dem cussory glances."
“Are you Interested In the recall?”
“Not yet," replied the habitual can
didate. “What I am interested in is a
means of getting somewhere in the
first place.”
'Ras Jones was a witness at a trial
In the court house last week. He was
testifying as to a conversation he had
on the phone with the defendant In a
civil suit. “Did you call him up on
your own initiative?" the lawyer asked
'Ras. "No,” says 'Ras, "I used the one
In the general store. I can't afford
one myself.”
"So you were bound and gagged by ban
dits while In Italy, were you?" asked a
sarcastic man of a friertd who had trav
eled. "Regular comic opera bandits, eh?”
“No," said the other, “there was noth
ing of the comlo opera style about them
The gags they used were all new.”
WESTERN CANADA’S
PROSPERITY
NOT A BOOM, BUT DUE TO NAT
URAL DEVELOPMENT.
One of the largest banks In Holland
has been doing a big business in
Western Canada, and Mr. W. Wester
man, the President, on a recent visit
into the Provinces of Manitoba, Sas
katchewan and Alberta, expressed
himself as being much impressed with
present conditions and prospects, and
was convinced that the great pros
perity of the Dominion was not a
boom, but merely the outcome of nat
ural developments.
Not only has money been invested
largely in Western Canada by the
Holland Banks, but by those of Ger
many, France, as well as Great Brit
ain. Not only are these countries con
tributing money, but they are also
contributing people, hard headed, in
dustrious farmers, who are helping to
produce the two hundred million bush
els of wheat and the three hundred
million bushels of the other small
grains that the Provinces of the
West have harvested this season.
During the past fiscal year there
came into Canada from the United
States 133,710; from Austria Hungary
21,651; from Belgium 1,601; Holland
1,077; FYance 2,094; Germany 4,664;
Sweden 2,394; Norway 1,692; and
from all countries the immigration to
Canada in that year was 354,237.
FYom the United States and ferelgn
countries the figures will be increased
during the present year.
Most of these people have gone to
the farms, and it is no far look to the
time when the prophecy will be ful
filled of half a billion bushel crop of
wheat in Western Canada. Advertise
ment
No Strangers Allowed.
Frank H. Hitchcock, the postmaster
general of the United States, takes the
deepest interest in even the smallest
details of the postal service. One eve
ning he was at the Union station in
Washington, when he decided to go
into one of the railway mail service
cars to see how the mail matter was
being handled. Being a tall man and
very athletic, he easily swung himself
from the platform into the car, but he
did not find it an easy matter to stay
put A burly postal clerk grabbed
him by the shoulders, propelled him
toward the side door, and practi
cally ejected him to the platform be
low.
"What do you mean by that?" ask
ed Hitchcock indignantly.
“I mean to keep you out of this
car,” replied the clerk roughly. “That
fellow Hitchcock has given us strict
orders to keep all strangers out of
these cars.”—Popular Magazine.
THE RIGHT SOAP FOR BABY’S
SKIN
In the care of baby’s skin and hair,
Cuticura Soap is the mother’s fa
vorite. Not only Is it unrivaled in
purity and refreshing fragrance, but
its gentle emollient properties are
usually sufficient to allay minor irri
tations, remove redness, roughness
and chafing, soothe sensitive condi
tions, and promote skin and hair
health, generally. Assisted by Cuti
cura Ointment, it is most valuable in
the treatment of eczemas, rashes and
other itching, burning infantile erup
tions. Cuticura Soap wears to a wafer,
often outlasting several cakes of ordi
nary soap and making its use most
economical
Cuticura Soap and Ointment sold
throughout the world. Sample of each
free with 32-p. Skin Book. Address
post-card "Cuticura, Dept L, Boston.”
Adv.
Fashion Note.
Lady Duff Gordon, at a tea at the
Ritz-Carlton, praised the pannier
skirt.
"Everybody likes it, it is so grace
ful,” she said, smiling. “Everybody
likes it except crusty old fellows."
She turned to a crusty old fellow
upon a Louis Seize chair beside her
and continued:
“I know a woman whose husband
growled at her when she tried on a
new pannier gown for him:
“ 'I don’t see why you wear those
ridiculous big panniers. You haven’t
got the hips to fill them.'
“The woman blushed and bit her
lip. Then she said quietly:
“ ‘But do you fill your silk hat,
George?’ ”
So Many Like Tribble.
"Tribble is a discontented fellow. I
don’t believe he even knows what he
wants.”
"Oh, yes. He knows what he wants
What makes him discontented is the
fact that he also knows he can’t get
it”
OTHERS KNOW US TOO WELL'
Easy to Deceive Ourselves, but ths
Rest of the World Is Generally
Too Wise.
Senator Pomerene has a happy
knack of driving home a statement
with an epigram.
At a luncheon Senator Pomerene
described as a would-be litterateur.
“Thanks to whisky and strong
cigars,” he said, “the poor fellow has
failed to make good. He earns a pre
carious living by newspaper work,
but though he is 60 now, none of the
wondrous novels and thrilling stories
that he used to prate about have ap
peared.
“And yet, in his shabby apartment,
over a bottle of cheap liquor and a
box of cheap cigars, he will boast by
the hour—poor, gray, wrinkled dufTer
—of his unfinished MSS. Oh, they
will appear yet! Yes, he will yet il
lumine the world with the light of his
genius.”
Senator Pomerene sighed and con
cluded:
“Ah, if we could deceive others as
easily as we deoelve ourselves, what
reputations we’d all have, to be sure!”
An Underworld.
“You say you saw >few York’s un
derworld?” said the horrified relative.
“Oh, yes,” replied Mrs. McGudley.
“And I consider it very neat and in
teresting. I think every large city
ought to have a subway system.”
Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup tor Children
teething, softens the gums, reduces inflamma.
tlon, aUays pain,cures wind colic, 15c a bottle.!*.
A voice used too much in scolding
Is not good to sing with.
w
BACKACHE AND
ACHING JOINTS
Together Tell of Bad Kidneys
Much pain that ■ • Every Picture
I masks as rheu- mu a story
matlsm ie due to
weak kidneys—
to their failure
i to drive off uric
acid thoroughly.
When you suf
fer achy, bad
Joints, back
ache, too; with
some kidney
disorders, get
Doan's Kidney
Pills, which
have cured
thousands.
A!1* UliliAHUMA l 1HK.
John T. Jones, 213 8. Pile St., Pauls
Valley, Okla., says: “I was confined to
bod for days with kidney trouble and
sclatfo rheumatism. I was weak and de
bilitated and tormented almost to death.
Not Improving under the doctor's treat
ment, I began using Doan’s Kidney Pills
and was entirely cured. I have had no
trouble since."
Get Doan's at any Drug Store, 50c. a Box
Kidney
Pills
FOSTER-M1LBURN CO.. Buffalo, N. Y.
TIRED BLOOD
LOWERS VITALITY
(Copyright 1918 by the Toni tires Co.)
Nutriment and Oxygen absorbed by
tka blood from the food we eat, and
the air we breathe feeding the living
cells, produces vitality. When the
blood Is tired, it falls to provide these
elements in sufficient quantities, and
we suffer from Lack of Strength, Lack
of Endurance, Broken Down Constitu
tion, Worried or Depressed State of
Mind, etc. In order to maintain vital
ity the blood
should be rich
,----with , nutriment
frlRED BLOOD and red with oxy
gen. A treatment of Tonltlves Is the
surest method of accomplishing these
results. 76c. per box of dealers or by
mail. The Tonltlves Co., Buffalo, N. Y,
Lameness
Sloan’s Liniment is a quick
and reliable remedy for lame
ness in horses and other farm
animals.
“Sloan’s Liniment surpasses any
thing on earth tor lameness in horses
and other horse ailments. I would
not sleep without it In my stable.”—
> Mabtix Doyle, fi
432 West 12th St., New York City.
Good for Swelling and Abscess. ; j
Mr. H. M. Gibbs, of Lawrence, Kan.,
B. V. D., No. 3, writes:—” I had a mare
with an abscess on her neck and one ,
60o. bottle of Sloan’s Liniment entirely
cured her. 1 keep it all the time for
galls and small swellings and for every
thing about the stock.” > t
SLOANS
I :
is a quick and safe remedy
for hog cholera.
Governor of Georgia uses
Sloan's Liniment for Hog Cholera.
•* I heard Gov. Brown (who la quite a
farmer) say that he had never lost a
hog from cholera and that his remedy
always was a tablespoonful of Sloan’s
Liniment in a gallon of slops, decreas
ing the dose as the animal improved.
Last month Gov. Brown and myself |
were at the Agricultural College
building and in the discussion of the |
ravages of the disease, Gov. Brown
gave the remedy named as unfailing.” ^
” Observer.”
Savannah Daily News.
At All Dealers. 25c.. 50c. A 91.00.
'J Sloan's Book on Horses, Cattle,
Hogs and Poultry sent free. ||
Address Dr. Bari B. Sloan, Boston.
U- C„„.J by using Harercamp’s Germicide
llOgS J&VCQ Hog Disease Remedy. One agent
wanted in each county. Quick seller, excellent re
sults. Repeat orders make earnings 15 to 110 per day.
Don’t delay, write today. J.J.Haioreawp, ■uMOae.lewe
i.» Preserres youth, defers old age. either
ASpirO sex. Particulars for 2c stamp. The Trade
Kaowledg e Bureau, SOI Scherer Building, Detroit, Michigan
I The Stomach
I Is the Target""**
Aim to make that strong—and digestion good—and you
will keep well 1 No'chain is stronger than its weakest
link. No man is stronger than his stomach. With
| stomach disordered a train of diseases follow.
Golden Medical Discovery !
makes .the stomach healthy, the liver active and the blood purei Made from
forest roots, and extracted without the use of alcohol. Sold by druggists, in
liquid form at *1.00 per bottle for over 40 years, giving general satisfaction.
If yon prefer tablets aa modified by R. V. Pierce. JM. I».. these can be
bad of medicine dealers or trial box by mall on receipt of SOc in stamps.