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About The frontier. (O'Neill City, Holt County, Neb.) 1880-1965 | View Entire Issue (July 4, 1912)
THE REASON. ~P' OKU>tMi«< IYed—What makes you think that * Mias Charming Is the most populal girl at tha hotel? Jack—She's the only one the •(her girls refer to as a "designing ture."__ On Land and Sea. "Circumstances alter cases even la kamsn nature." “Tes. Take Jorklns, for Instance. He’s one of those grandiose Chester Seldt who would give up his seat la a lifeboat to a woman, and then make -a attempt to lead the saloon orches tra In 'Nearer, My God, to Thee' as the ahtp sinks." *T see. On land, Jorklns Is the fel low at 8 o’clock who horns through the women and children and gets a window seat In his homebound street ear.” No Wife's Cooking for Them. Mrs. Crlmsonbeak—This paper says that rarely Indeed Is a wealthy Turk seen at hts wife’s dinner table. Mr. Crlmsonbeak — Yes, I under stand the Turks live a long time. When Your Eyes Need Care Trj Marine Eye Remedy. No Smarting—-Feel* Wine—Acts Quickly. Try it for Red, Weak, Watery Eyea and Granulated Eyelids. Illus trated Book In each Package. Murine Is mmpaended by our Oculists — not a “Patent Med SeJne**-but used in successful Physic)ana' Prao* Ei for many years. Now dedicated to the Pub aod sold by Jlrugglsla at 26c and 60o per Bottle, rtne Kye Halve In Aseptic Tubes, 26o and 60c. Murine Kye Remedy Oo.. Chloago A woman can easily win In any kind of an argument with a man If •hs knows just when to turn on the trig; flow. A splendid and highly recommended nrnedy for tired, weak. Inflamed eyes, and granulated eyelids, Is Paxtlne An tiseptic, at drugglstB, 25c a box or sent postpaid on receipt of price by The Paxton Toilet Co., Boston, Mass. A Matter of Names. "What Is the difference between pomme do terre and potato?" "About two dollars."—Harvard Lampoon. II sfwavs- makes good ! What? Oarfleld Tea. the Natural Laxative, composed entirely •f pure, wholesome and healthglvlug herbs. A jealous woman enables bis Satanic majesty to take a vacation now and then. Mn. Winslow's Soothing Syrnp for Children teething, softens the gums, reduces Inflamma tion, allays pain, cures wind colic, She a bottle. A woman laughs when she can and weeps when she will.—Proverb. S Vk/HEN it’s meal time— W and your appetite is keen—and you try to think of some tasty things to eat —don’t tax your mind— don’t fret and fume. Order cMfPv ienna Sausage Hot or cold, they are ■j servable in a jiffy, and equal * the imported kind in taste j and flavor. Once you have learned their real quality—you will always want them. Always Buy—Libby’s I Don't accept a substitute. Libby’s Foods present a wide assortment, all the acme of quality and reasonable in price. At Bomry Gractn Libby, McNeill & Libby Chicago J, Libby’s fpH K^jaj Foods a —Mil Are myanpm Always ||| Ready to yl - ‘r _ Serve ffi* fa .. Bu i* II 3T ri..'Sy PLATFORM UPON WHICH TAFT STANDS „T1 The republican party assembled by Its representatives In national convention de clares Its unchanging faith In govern ment of the people, by the people, for the people. We renew our allegiance to the principles of the republican party and our devotion to the cause of republican insti tutions established by the fathers. It Is appropriate that we should now recall with a sense of veneration and gratitude the name of our first great leader, who was nominated In this city and whose lofty principles and devotion to his coun try are an Inspiration to the party he honored—Abraham Lincoln. In the pres ent state of public affairs we should be Inspired by his broad statesmanship and by his tolerant spirit toward men. The republican party looks back on Its record with pride and satisfaction and forward to Its new responsibilities with hope and confidence. Its achievements In government constitute the most luminous pages in our history. Our great national advance has been made during the years of Its ascendncy In public affairs. It has been genuinely and always a party of progress; It has never been either stationary or reaction ary. It has gone from the fulfillment of one great pledge to the fulfillment of an other In response to the public need and to the popplar will. We believe In our self controlled repre sentative democracy, which Is a govern ment of laws, not of men, and In which order Is the prerequisite of progress. Future Problems to Be Met. The principles of constitutional govern ment which make provision for orderly and effective expression of the popular will, of the protection of civil liberty and of the rights of men, and for the Inter pretation of the law by an untrammeled and Independent Judiciary, have proved themselves In sustaining tho structure of a government, which, after more than a century of development, embraces 100.000, 000 of people scattered over a wide and diverse territory, but surrounded by com mon purpose, common Ideal and common affection to the constitution of the United States. Under the constitution and princi ples assorted and vitalized by It, the United States has grown to be one of the great civilized and civilizing powers of the earth. It offers a home and oppor tunity to the ambitious and Industrious from other lands. Resting upon the broad basis of a people's confidence and a peo ple's support, and managed by the people themselves, the government of the United States will meet the problems of the fu ture as satisfactorily as It has solved those of the past. Tho republican party Is now, as always, a party of advanced and constructive statesmanship. It Is prepared to go for ward with the solution of those now ques tions which social, economic and political development have brought Into the fore front of the nation’s Interest. It will strive not only In the nation, but In the states to enact the necessary legislation to safeguard tho public health; to limit effectively the labor of women and chil dren; to protect wage earners engaged in dangerous occupations; to enact compre hensive and generous workmen’s compen sation laws In place of tho present waste ful and unjust system of employers' lia bility, and In all possible ways to satisfy the Just demand of the people for tho study and solution of the complex and constantly changing problems of social welfare. In dealing with those questions It Is Im portant that the rights of every Individual to the freest possible development of his own powers and resources and to the con trol of hlB own Justly acquired property so far as those are compatible with the right of others shall not be Interfered with or destroyed. Authority of Courts. The social and political structure of the United States rests upon the civil liberty of tho Individual; and for the protection of that liberty the people have wisely. In the national and state constitutions, put definite limitations on themselves and on their governmental officers and agencies. To enforce these limitations to secure the orderly and coherent exercise of govern mental powers and to protect the rights of even tho humblest and favored Indi vidual ape the functions of Independent courts of justice. The republican party reaffirms Its In tention to uphold at all times the author ity and Integrity of the courts, both state and federal, and It will ever Insist that their powers to enforce their process and to protect life, liberty and property shall be preserved Inviolate. An orderly meth od Is provided under our system of gov ernment by which the people may, when they choose, alter or amend the constitu tional provisions which underlie that gov ernment. Until these constitutional provisions are so altered or amended. In orderly fashion, It Is the duty of the courts to choose, alter or amend the constitutional provisions which see to It that when challenged they are enforced. That the courts, both fedcrel and state, may bear the heavy burden laid upon them to the complete satisfaction of pvn> 11c opinion, we favor legislation to pre vent long delays and tedious and costly appeals which have so often amounted to a denial of Justice In civil cases and to a failure to protoct the public at large In criminal cases. Since the responsibility of the Judiciary Is so great the standards of Judicial ac tion must be always and everywhere above reproach. While we regard the recall of judges as unwise we favor such action as may be necessary to simplify the process by which any judge Is found to be derelict In his duty may be removed from of dee. Together with peaceful and orderly de velopment at home the republican party earnestly favors all measures for the es tablishment and protection of the peace of the world and for the development of closer relations between the various na tions of the earth. It believes most earn estly In the peaceful settlement of Inter national dispute and In the reference of all Justiciable controversies between na tions to an International court of Justice. Monopoly and Privilege. The republican party Is opposed to spe cial privilege and monopoly. It placed on the statute books the Interstate commerce act of 1887, and the Important amendments thereto, and the anti-trust act of 1890, and It has consistently and successfully en forced the provisions of these laws. It will take no backward step to permit the re-eatabllehment In any degree of condi tions which were Intolerable. Experience has It plain that the busi ness of the country may be carried on ■without fear or without disturbance, and at the same time without reeort to prac tices which are abhorrent to the common senso of justice. The republican party favors the enact ment of legislation supplementary to th< existing anti-trust act which will deflni as criminal offenses those specific acti that uniformly mark attempts to restrain and to monopolize trade, to the end tha those who honestly Intend to obey the lav may have a guide for their action am that those who attempt to violate the lav may be more surely punished. The same certainty should be given ti the law prohibiting combinations an< monopUee that characterizes other provl ■Ions of commercial law, In order that no part of the field of business opportunity may be restricted by monopoly or com bination, that business success honorably achieved may not be converted Into crime, and that tlio right of every man to acquire commodities, and particularly the neces saries of ltfe. In an open market uninflu enced by the manipulation of trust or combination, may be preserved. In the enforcement and administration of federal laws governing Interstate com merce and enterprises Impressed with a public use engaged therein, there Is much that may be committed to a federal trade commission, thus placing in the hands of an administrative board many of tbe func tions now necessarily exercised by the courts. This will promote promptness in the administration of the law and avoid delays and technicalities Incident to court proceedure. The Tariff Question. We reaffirm our belief In a protective tariff. The republican tariff policy has been of the greatest benefit to the coun try, developing our resourced; diversify ing our Industries and protecting our workmen against competition with cheap er labor abroad, thus establishing for our wage earners the American standard of living. The protective tariff Is so woven Into the fabric of our Industrial and agricul tural life that to substitute for It a tariff for revenue only would destroy many In dustries and throw millions of onr people out of employment. The products of the farm and mines should receive the same measure of pro tection as other products of American la bor. We hold that the Import duties should be high enough, while yielding a sufficient revenue, to protect adequately American Industries and wages. Some of the existing Import duties are too high and should be reduced. Readjustment should be made from time to time to conform to changed conditions and to reduce excessive rates, but without Injury, to American Industry. To accomplish this, Information Is Indis pensable. This information can best be obtained by an expert commission, as the large volume of useful facts contained In the recent reports of the tariff board has demonstrated. The pronounced feature of modern Industrial life Is Its enormous diversification. To apply tariff rates Just ly to these changing conditions requires closer study and more scientific methods than ever before. The republican party has shown by Its creation of the tariff hoard Its recognition of this situation and Its determination to be equal to it. We condemn the democratic party for Its fail ure either to provide ffinds for the con tinuance of this board or to make some other provision for securing the Informa tion requisite for intelligent tariff legisla tion. We protest against the democratic method of legislating on this vitally Im portant subject without careful Investiga tion. we condemn the democratic tariff bills passed by the House of Representatives of the Sixty-second congress as sectional, as Injurious to the public credit and destroy ing business enterprise. Cost of Living. The steadily Increasing cost of living has become a matter not only national, but of worldwide concern. The fact that It Is not due to the protective tariff, system Is evi denced by the existence of similar con ditions In countries which have a tariff policy different from our own as well as by the fact that the cost of living has In creased while rates of duty have remained stationary or been reduced. The republican party will support a prompt scientific Inquiry Into the causes which are operative both In the United States and elsewhere to Increase the cost of living. When the exact facts are known, it will take the necessary repre sentatives to remove any abuses that may be found to exist, In order that the food, clothing and shelter of the people may In no way be unduly or artificially Increased. Banking and Currency. The republican party has always stood for a sound currency and for safe banking methods. It Is responsible for the resumption of specie payments, and for the establish ment of the gold standard. It Is com mitted to the progressive development of our banking and currency system. Our banking arrangements today need fur ther revision to meet the requirements of current conditions. We need measures which will prevent the recurrence of money panics and financial disturbances and which will promote the prosperity of business and the welfare of the laboring people by producing constant employment. We need better currency facilities for the movement of crops In the west and south. We need banking arrangements under American auspices for the encour agement and better conduct of our for eign trade. In attaining these ends, the Independence of Individual banks, whether organized under national or state charters, must bo carefully protected and our banking and currency system must be safeguarded from any possibility of demonstration by sentiment, financial or political Interest. It Is of great Importance to the social and economic welfare of this country that Its farmers have facilities for borrowing easily and cheaply the money they need to Increase the productivity of their land. It Is as Important that financial machin ery be provided to supply the demand ol farmers for credit as It Is that the bank ing currency systems be reformed In the Interest of general business. Therefore we recommend and urge an authoritative Investigation of agricultural credit socie ties and corporations In other countries and the passage of state ajid federal laws for the establishment and capable super vision of organization* having for theli purpose the loaning of funds to farmers. The Civil Service. We reaffirm our adherence to the prin ciple of appointment of public officials based on proved fitness and tenure durlnf good behavlcg- and efficiency. The repub lican party stands committed to the main teharifle, extension and enforcement of th( civil service law, and It favors the pass age of legislation empowering the presl dent to extend the competitive service s< far as practicable. We favor legislatloi to make possible the equitable retlremen of disabled and superanuated members o the civil service In order that a hlghei standard of efficiency may be maintained We favor the amendment of the federa employes’ liability law so as to extend it provisions to all government employes a well as to provide a snore liberal scale o compensation for Injury and death. Campaign Contributions. We favor such additional legislation a may be necessary more effectually to pro hlblt corporations from contributing funds directly or indirectly, to campaigns fo the nomination or election of the presl dent, the vice president, senators ana rep resentatlves In congress. We heartily approve the recent act < congress requiring the fullest publiett In regard to all campaign contrlbuttor whether made In connection with primal lea, conventions or elections. Conservation Policy. We rejoice In the success of the dll i tlnctlve republican policy of the conservi 1 tlon of our national resources, for the • use by the people without waste and wttl out monopoly. We pledge ourselves to a continuance of such a policy. We favor such fair and reasonable rules and regulations as will not discourage or Interfere with bona fide homeseekers, prospectors and miners In the acquisition of public lands under existing laws. Parcels Post. In the Interest of the general public, es pecially of the agricultural or rural com munities, we favor legislation favoring the establishment under the proper regu lations of a parcels post, the postal rates to be graduated under a zone in propor tion to the length of carriage. > Protection of Citizenship. We approve the action taken by the president and the congress to secure with Russia as with other countries a treaty that would recognize the absolute right of expatriation and that will prevent all dis crimination of whatever condition against American citizens, whether native born or alien, and regardless of race, religion or previous political allegiance. The right of asylum Is a precious pqssesslon of the people of the United States and It Is not to be surrendered or restricted. United States Navy. We believe In the maintenance of an adequate navy for the national defense and we condemn the action of the demo cratic House of Representatives In refus ing to authorize the construction of addi tional ships. We pledge the republican party to the enactment of laws to give relief from the constantly growing evil of Induced or un desirable Immigration which Is lnlmloal to the progress and welfare of the people of the United States. Merchant Marine. We believe that one of the country’s most urgent needs Is a revised merchant marine. There should be American ships, and plenty of them, to make use of the great American lnteroceanlo canal now nearing completion. Flood Prevention. The Mlsslppl river Is the nation's drain ditch. Its flooded waters, gathering from 31 states and the dominion of Canada, constitute an overpowering force which breaks the levees and pours Its torrents over many million acres of the richest land In the union, stopping malls, Imped ing commerce and causing great loss of life and property. These floods are na tional In scope and the disasters they pro duce seriously affect the general welfare. The states unaided cannot cope with this giant problem; hence, we believe the gen eral government should assume a fair proportion of the burden of its control so as to prevent the disaster from recur ring floods. Reclamation Policy. We favor the continuance of the policy of the government 'with regard to the reclamation of arid lands, and for the speedy settlement and Improvement of such lands, we favor an amendment to the policy that will reasonably extend the time within which the reclamation may be repaid by the land owners. Rivers and Harbors. We favor a liberal and systematic pol icy for the Improvement of our rivers and harbors. Such Improvement to be made on expert Information and after careful comparison with the cost and prospective benefit. Foreign Policies. We favor a liberal policy toward Alaska to promote the development of the great resources of that district, with such safe guards as will prevent monopoly. We fa vor the opening of the cOal lands to devel opment through a law leasing the lands on such terms as will Invite development and provide fuel for the navy and the commerce of the Pacific ocean, while re taining title In the United States to pre vent monopoly. The Phll'pplne policy of the republican party has been and Is inspired by the be lief that our duty toward the Fllliplno people Is a national obligation which' should be entirely free from partisan pol itics. ' We ratify in all lta particulars that platform of 1903 respecting citizenship for the people of Porto Rico. Safety at Sea. We favor the speedy enactment of law* to provide that seamen ehall not be Com pelled to endure Involuntary servitude and that life and property at sea shall be safe guarded by the ample equipment of ves sels with life saving appliances and with full complements of skilled, able bodied seamen to operate them. Republican Accomplishments, The approaching completion of the Pan ama canal; the establishment of a bureau of mines; the Institution of postal savings banks; the Increased provision made In 1903 for the aged and Infirm soldiers and sailors of the republlo and for their wid ows, and the vigorous administration of the law relating to purs food and drugs, all mark successful progress of repub lican administration and are additional advice of its effectiveness. We commend the earnest effort of the republican administration to eeoure great er economy and Increased efficiency In the conduct of government business! extrav agant appropriation! and the creation of unnecessary office are an Injustice to the taxpayer and a bad example to the citi zen. Clvlo Duty. We oall upon the people to quicken their lnterst In publlo affairs to condone and punlih lynching and other (arms of law lessness and to strengthen In all ways possible a reepeot for law and the observ ance of It. Indifferent citizenship Is an evil from which the law afford* no ade quate protection and for whlah legislation can provide no remedy. We oongratulate the people of Arisons and New Mexico upon the admission of those states, thus merging In the union In final and enduring form the last re malnlng portion of our continental terri tory. Repubiloan Administration. We challenge suooossful criticism of the 15 years of republican administration utt ; der President* McKinley. Roosevelt and ; Taft. We heartily reaffirm the Indorse ment of President McKinley, contained 111 the platform of 1900 and that of 1904, ftm' that of President Roosovelt contained h , the platforms of 1904 and 1008. We tnvtti [ the Intelligent judgment of the Amerloai 1 people upon the administration of Wllllati » Howard Taft. The oountry haa prosper*! ‘ and been at peace under his presidency During the years in which ho had the co operation of a republican oongreee, at unexampled amount of constructive leg , lslation was framed and passad In the In . terest of the people and In obedience h their wish. That legislation Is a reoeri r on whloh any administration might au . peal with confidence to th* faverabl . Judgment of history. W* appeal to th American electorate upon the record o , the republican party and upon this deola 5 ration of its principles anil purposes. W l are confident that under the leadership o 8 the candidates here to be nominated OU * appeal will not be In vain; that the re publican party will meet every Just ex pectatlon of the people whoseAeervant I Is; that under Its administration ana It i- laws our nation will ocntlnus to advance that peace and prosperity will abide wit r the people and that new glory Will o i- added to the great republlo. THE ART OF COOKING. From Constantinople comes the re port that a committee of experts recent ly valued the cutlery and kitchen uten sils of the shah of Persia at $25,000,000. No other court In the world, not even Spain, says the Constantinople corre spondent, has such an elaborate collec tion of valuable pots and pans as the Persian monarch. They are all cov ered with a heavy coating of gilt on the Inside. Even the plainest of the uten sils in the shah’s kitchen is of silver. The salt and sugar canisters that are used in the kitchen are massive silver ' devices, while the spoons, forks, plates and dishes used in the dining rooms are of solid gold and the majority of the knives have handles incrusted with many precious stones. Were the menus prepared In the shah’s expensive pots and pans and served with his costly ta bleware delectable and nourishing in proportion to the value of the kitchen and dining room equipment of his pal ace? Who will believe it? Contemporaneously with this story from Constantinople comes the report from New York of the arrival In that city of* Nicholas Soyer, grandson of Alexis Soyer ,who won great renown as a cook in England at the time of the first world’s fair in London, and who was brought over to this country by the founder of the house of Vanderbilt In the expectation that he would witch the world with noble cookery, but who sub sequently returned to Europe, conclud ing that the Americans did not under stand his art. Nicholas Soyer was chef in the kitchen of the late King Edward, of England, and, like his predecessors of the house of Soyer, has a high repu tation as a cook. But he does not make his daintiest recipes in gold lined dishes. In fact, he is the inventor of the system of cooking in paper bags. M. Soyer has no doubt of his own Importance. Here is what he said in an interview with a reporter for the New York Sun: "Cooking, I say without qualifications, has gone backward to a great degree. Modern cooking as it is practiced is the curse of the world. The average kitchen Is the tomb of the digestion and the cre matory of people’s health. I worked for nine years on a plan to get away from these conditions. Most of the time I put into inventing and developing the paper bag. With my grandfather’s stove adopted by the British war office the British soldier now gets his roast beef, potatoes and gravy and pudding handed to him hot from the oven in a paner bag and there is no more com plaint about unfair distribution of rations. i was iraveung i;nei iu iving xuu ward VII for seven years. Most of this time was while he was Prince of Wales, and my headquarters were at Marl borough house, though I used always to go to the south of France with him and upon his yacht. His majesty never cared for fancy dishes. He preferred plain bourgeois cookery. For instance, the two meats he liked most were filet of beef and saddle of mutton, and al most invariably I gave him one of these for his dinner. Turtle soup was the only soup he would partake of, and at dinner every day as regularly as clock work he would take a small cup of this. The meats he liked not underdone, but Juicy and well cooked ,and I always cooked two filets for him, to be sure that one would be exactly right. “I left the royal sendee because there was no chance for further advancement, the head chef being a master of his art. Afterward I was chef for the Countess of Suffolk, who was Miss Letter, of Chicago. There was a woman who un derstood cooking, been all over the world. She often tried to find fault with my dishes but could not. One day she said to me: ‘I want a poulet a PAmericane.’ “There are a good many ways of cooking poulet a 1’Americaine, mad ame. I said, but I know of only one good way. So I cooked it in a casse role, with rice, the chicken so well done that you cut it with a fork, instead of a knife. Never again did the countess seek to make unusual tests of my skill." The probability Is that M. Soyer with his paper bags cooks as good or better dishes than ever were prepared in the gold lined kitchen utensils of the Per sian shah; but it is quite likely that M. Soyer has numerous rivals. Doubtless when the Soyers left Paris for London some good cooks remained behind. Doubtless there still survive in the southern United States old negro mam mies who can make chicken as enticing to the palate as he can. The probabil ity is that there are German cooks in Milwaukee who could give him a whirl, producing culinary triumphs of which he never has heard, but which would command the enthusiastic applause of lovers of good eating. The object of this writing is not to disparage M. Soyer. No doubt he is a good cook, or he could not have satis fied King Edward for seven years, for King Edward was a connoisseur in all that pertains to gastronomies. It is per fectly safe, however, to express disbelief in the plenary efficacy of costly kitchen utensils to ensure culinary excellence. There have been triumphs In cooking where culinary utensils were entirely lacking. Think of what is achieved at New England clam bakes, where every thing that is to be cooked is covered with seaweed and sometimes buried un der a heap of sand. Think of what has been done in American kitchens with old fashioned cook stoves, or even with still older fashioned fireplaces. Good cookery does not depend upon elaborate apparatus. It depends chiefly upon the capacity and the genius of the cook. High Pressure Water. From Casster’s Magazine. The difficulties in using water increase with increase of pressure. With good workmanship ordinary materials can be employed up to 750 pounds or 1,000 pounds to the equare Inch. Good, close-grained cast iron for cylinders and gunmetal for cocks and valves are quite suitable. This meets the case of most crane work. But for compression duty, as in forging and baling presses, and in the pumps and valves for working the same, iron and gunroetal are useless. In the large cylin ders for the Belgian canal lifts oast iron was used, bonded with steel rings. These were worked at a pressure of 517 pounds per square Inch (3o atmospheres). When pressures range from two to as much as four tons per sqjare inch—say 300 to 600 atmospheres—the conditions are vastly more severe and exacting. Water at such pressure Is nearly like solid steel, rushing at a speed of 1,000 feet a minute, so that the porosity of Iron Is unable to resist Its action. It will penetrate through it, how ever thick, and appear on the surface, while It will enter and widen a blow-hole and come out In a current. Only fluid compressed steel will resist such high pressures, and this, therefore. Is used for cylinders and for pump barrels. For valves special alloys of bronze are em ployed. Victorious Was Superstitious. From Tit-Bits. Canterbury Cathedral, like most great i cathedrals. Is decorated with Innumerable I niches for statues. At Canterbury a se 1 Ties of these niches Is occupied with stat ' ues of kings and queens of England, and t there are only four niches left unoccupied. | An old tradition has It that when all the I niches are filled the throne of England 1 will come to an end. 1 Queen Victoria was approached with a " view to a statue of herself being placed I In one of the four remaining niches, but ■ her late majesty was aware of the old ■ tradition and refused. One wonders > whether in the future there will be four * monarchs of England sufficiently tndlf j ferent to superstition to defy the tradi * tlon and allow their effigies to fill the un * occupied spaces. ■— WHO DOES WRITE THE JOKES? Principally the Professional Funny" Man, Which Easily Explains Their “Sad” Quality. How are Jokes made? The funny bone of the American people demands* a thousand new pleasantries every day. The doctors say that our dia phragms must be tickled or we wllll die. How can anybody sit down and' deliberately make up jokes that will tickle us? The main source of newspaper jokes is the professional funny man. The funny man works In various ways. A crude beginner at the joke trade usual ly opens the dictionary at random andi begins to look for words to make puns' on. He comes to the word “horse.” That reminds him of “horse sense.” I So he frames the following little John-* ny and teacher anecdote: “Johnny,” said the teacher, “write! a sentence using the words ‘horse, sense.”’ Johnny wrote: “One night| pa forgot to lock the stable and hei hasn’t seen his horse sense.”* This joke Is duly published in the! funny column of the metropolitan par1, per. A magazine writer, seeing the I story in a country paper, thinks it. original and exclusive. He steals It and sells It to a weekly magazine of national circulation. Prom this maga zine London editors grab the little Jest and it is now afloat on the wide ocean of English language and It probably* will outlive the man who wrote it. Most of the anecdotes that fill th«( funny columns never happened in real, life. They are the brain children of some hired Jester who dotes on anec dotes. There Is a pun, right there. The professional funny man would ponder that a minute, then perhaps' produce a rhyme like this: Artie chokes on artichokes And writhes about In pain; But Auntie dotes on antidotes, And soon he's well again. ALMOST FRANTlCWITH ITCHING ECZEMA "Eight years ago I got eczema ail over my hands. My fingers fairly bled and it itched until it almost drove me frantic. The eruption began with itching under the skin. It spread fast from between the fingers around the nails and all over the whole hands. I got a pair of rubber gloves in order toi wash dishes. Then it spread all over1 the left side of my chest. A fine doo tor treated the trouble two weeks, but did me no good. I cried night and day. Then I decided to try Cuticura Soap and Ointment but without much hope as I had gone so long. There was a marked change the second day, and so on until I was entirely cured. The Cuticura Soap we have always, kept in our home, and we decided after that lesson that it is a cheap soap in price and the very best in quality. My husband will use no other soap in his shaving mug.” (Signed) Mrs. G. A. Selby, Redonda Beach, Cal., Jan. 15, 1911. Although Cuticura Soap and Ointment are sold by drug gists and dealers everywhere, a sam ple of each, with 32-page book, will be mailed free on application to' "Cuticura,” Dept. L, Boston. Lazy Expresalon. Slang and rutted phrases may be brilliantly used and so pass current legally. But for the most part they are not brilliantly used. They serve chiefly the lazy mind and are a bore. One can, and very many ones do, shirk the thought process by the mode of ready made and ill-fltting expressions. 'Tis as easy as lying. More aptly, ’tis as easy as swearing. And very much such a slovenly habit as swearing. Very many who might, as early, speak and , write English well groove their minds with slang and bad usage of the lan guage until their thoughts can hardly travel out except through the furrows. True Enough. Half the world don’t know how they lire themselves.—Life. More Suitable. At the Devon horse show a mot of Miss Eleanora Sears was retailed. A very stout young woman, the story ran, asked Miss Sears’ advice about her costume for a fancy dresa ball. “I think of going as Helen of Troy,” she ended. "Do you think It would suit me?” Miss Eleanora Sears, surveying the young woman’s swelling contours with, a faint smile, answered: “Helen of Troy—or, perhaps, don't you think, Helen of Avoirdupois would be better?” Seemed Strange to Her. Miss Melcher In describing the commencement exercises of a Certain * medical college to Miss Bungler, said that she had felt quite awed when, the Hippocratic oath was adminis tered to the graduates. "I should think you would have!’* Miss Bungler exclaimed In Indignant surprise. “A hypocrltlc oath! I nev er heard of that. Something new, I suppose. I shouldn’t think any physician would want to bind himself to a thing like that!" Hand Vacuum Cleaner. For use with a vacuum cleaner a Massachusetts woman has invented a glove, dust being drawn through tubes Inserted in Its palm, while small brushes are provided between th* fingers to smooth down the nap of any fabric which the suction raises. Keep to Old Custom. At the 600-year-old Audlem church. In Cheshire, England, the curfew la regularly rung, after which the date of the month Is tolled, a survival of thti times when no almanacs existed.