He Saw It.
From Harper's Weekly.
An American touring in the country
with an English friend stopped to point
out to him a sign post on which soma
wag had printed this sign:
"This way to Squedunk. Those who
cannot read apply at the blacksmith's
opposite."
The American roared with laughter,
but the Englishman looked puzzled.
After they had returned home that
night the Englishman came Into hla
host's room roaring with laughter.
"Ah." he said, "I see the Joke now—
suppose the blacksmith were out?"
Apes a* CashiertI
From the Lahore Tribune.
In Slam apes are now employed aa
cashiers. A year or two ago much base
coin was circulated by a clique of coin
ers. and the tradesmen found that It
was a very difficult matter to discrim
inate between good and bad money.
One large store kept a pet monkey,
and one morning he was seen to take
a coin from the cashier’s desk and put
It between his teeth. After biting It'for
some moments he threw It on the floor
with a solemn grimace of dissatisfac
tion.
The proprietor of the store then hand
ed the monkey another coin, and after
testing It with great deliberation he
laid It on the cashier’s desk.
Apparently the creature could tell a
counterfeit coin from a good one, and
in order to ascertain whether other
monkeys had the same extraordinary
gift a couple of apes belonging l o a zoo
were given the test, with satisfactory
results. From that day the majority of
the business houses In Slam have kept
monkeys as cashiers, and the gifted
creatures have developed the faculty of
discrimination between good and bad
coin to such perfection that no human
being can compete with them.
A little while ngo a monkey employed
by a firm of clothiers died, and his cof
fin. which was of polished oak, was
conveyed to the cemetery In an open
bearse, was followed by all the cashier
monkeys In Slam.
Core to Stay Cured.
Wapello, Iowa, Sept. 11.—(Special.)
—One of the most remarkable cures
■ever recorded in Louisa county is that
of Mrs. Minnie Ilart of this place. Mrs.
Hart was in bed for eight months and
when she was able to sit up she was
all drawn up on one side and could
not walk across the room. Dodd's Kid
ney Pills cured her. Speaking of her
cure, Mrs. Hart says:
"Yes, Dodd's Kidney Pills cured m*
-after I was in bed for eight months,
and I know the cure was complete for
that was three years ago, and I have
not been down since. In four weeks
from the time I started taking them I
was able to make my garden. Nobody
can know how thankful I am to be
cured or how much I feel I owe to
Dodd's Kidney Pills.”
This case again points out how much
the general health depends on the kid
neys. Cure the kidneys with Dodd’a
Kidney Pills and nine-tenths of tha
aufferlng the human family is heir to
will disappear.
Winter Quarters in the Antarctic.
In Harper's for September, I>r. Charcot,
chief of tha French South Polar expedi
tion. tells Interestingly of how he pre
pared to meet the winter at Wandel Isl
and :
' The work of Installing ourselves In
winter quarters began at once. The boat
was docked along a rocky cllfT covered
with Ice, In a little harbor which looked
«s if It were cut to order. Hawsers and
chains were attached to blocks of granite
from the ship's prow and stern. The prow
was aground, and the taffrall of the stern
was protected by a girdle of casks. Tho
port, which opens toward the northeast, Is
exposed to the heavy winds of this region,
which bring In the storms and great quan
tities of ice from the open sea. We also
built a dam across the harbor by means of
a raft and anchor-chain, which, held up
about a metre from the surface, was sub
jected from time to time to considerable
pressure. This dam had the double ad
vantage of offering resistance to tho big
blocks of Ice coming from the sea and of
keeping In the harbor smaller fragments
of tee, which then served as a kind of
buffer. But even so. we had to endure at
times shocks from blocks of Ice weighing
several tons, which as they were brought
In by the storms, Btruck out ship like
hatte ring-rams.
"After rcconnolterlng the country the
atatlon was quickly completed. It was
necessary to take advantage of tho sun
light, for Inclement days were numerous.
As early as tho lllh of March lamps had
to be lit at 7 o'clock. We built a road with
■ bard blocks of snow to make our accesa
to land more easy. The portable house
was put up In tho valley, against the hill.
At one side a shed was built; then a largo
ditch dug In the Ice apd covered with
canvas served as our food-dock. The pro
visions were stored there In snow houses,
for the ship was liable at any time to be
crushed by the lee. On this account It
was prudent to unload as many of the
provisions as possible. Two snow houses
built after tho Eskimo fashion served as
slaughter houses. Here seals, penguins
and cormorants were prepared. The choice
bits of meat went to the storehouse."
stronger than meat.
A Judge’s Opinion of Giape-Nnts.
A gentleman who has acquired a ju
dicial turn of mind from experience on
the bench out In the Sunflower State
writes a carefully considered opinion
as to the value of Grape-Nuts as food.
Ho says:
“For the past five years Grape-Nuts
has been a prominent featuib In our
bill of fare.
"The crisp food with the delicious,
ir.'.tly flavor has become an indispens
able necessity in my family's every
day life.
“It has proved to be most healthful ;
anl beneficial, and bns enabled us to
practically abolish pastry and pies
from our table, for the children prefer
Grape-Nuts and do uot crave rich and
unwholesome food.
“Grape-Nuls keeps us all in perfect
physical condition—as a preventive of
disease It is beyond value. I have been
particularly impressed by the bene
ficial effects of Grape-Nuts when used
by ladles who are troubled with face
blemishes, skin eruptions, etc. It clears
up the complexion wonderfully.
“As to Its nutritive qualities, my ex
perience Is that otie small dish of
Grape-Nuts Is superior to a pound of
meat for breakfast, which Is an im
portant consideration for anyone. It
satisfies the appetite and strengthens
the power of resisting fatigue, while
Its us*> Involves none of the dlsagree
*tl 1 * consequences that sometimes fol
low a meat breakfast." Name given
by I’ostnm Co.. Battle Creek, Mich.
There's » reason.
THE MASTER OF APPLEBY
11» ■ -m== By Fr«Lnci« Lynda. ... — , ^
CHAPTER XXIX.—Continued.
Dick had more of the nipping* than
I, and though he kept up a running
fire of taunts and gibing flings at the
marksmen, I could hear the gritting
oaths aside when they pinked him.
Notwithstanding, the worst of these
miscasts fell to my lot. A hatchet,
sped by the clumsiest hand of all,
missed its curving, turned, and the
helve of It struck me fair In the stom
ach. Not all the parting pangs of
death, as I fondly believe, will lay a
heavier toll on fortitude than did this
grlping-stroke which I must endure
standing erect. 'Tls no figure of speech
to suy that I would have given the re
version of a kingdom, and a crown to
boot, for leave to double over and groan
out the agony of it.
Happily for us, there were no women
with the band, so we were spared the
crueler refinements of these ante-burn-^
log torments; the flaying alive by Inch
bits, and the sticking of blazing splints
of pitch-wood In the^/lesh to make
death a thing to be prayed for. There
was naught of this, and tiring of the
marksman play, the Indians made
ready to burn us. Some ran to recover
the spent weapons; others made haste
to heap the wood In a broad circle
about our trees; and the chief, with
three or four to help, renewed the deer
thong lashings.
’Twas In the rebinding that this
headman, a right kingly looking savage
as these barbarians go, thrust a'bit of
paper into my hand and gave me time
to glance Its message out by the light
of the fire. ’Twas a line from Mar
gery, and this is what she said:
Dear Heart:
Though you must needs believe my
love Is pledged to your good friend and
mine, ’tis yours, and yours alone, my
lion-hearted one. I, am praying the
good God to give you dying grace, and
me the courage to follow you quickly.
Margery.
This by the hand of Tallachama.
For one brief Instant a wave of Joy
caught and flung me upon its highest
crest, and all these savage tormentors
could do to me became as naught. Then
the true meaning of this, her brave Ave
atque vale, smote me like a space-flung
meteor, and the joy-wave became an
ocean of despair to engulf me in its
blackest depths. The letter was never
meant for me; ’twas for Rich
ard Jennifer, who, as she
would think, must know the story of
her marriage to his friend and .must be
lieve her love went with the giving of
her hand. And she named him IJon
Heart because he was brave, and true,
and strong, like that first English Rich
ard of the kingly line.
I thrust the message back upon the
bearer of it, begging him in dumb show
to give it quickly to my companion. I
knew not at the time if he did it, be-,
ing so crushed and blinded by this
fresh misery. But when the Indians
drew off to ring us in a chanting circle
for the Anal act, I would not let the lad
see my face for fear he might fathom
the heart-break in me and know the
cause of it.
'Twas at this crisis, when all was
ready and one had run to fetch the fire,
that I heard a smothered oath from
Dick and saw the Indian who was com
ing up to fire the wood heaps drop his
brand and tread upon it.
"Ecod!” said a voice, courtier-like
and smoothly modulated. “ ’Tis most
devilish lucky that I came, Captain
Ireton. Another moment and they
would have grilled you in the king’s
uniform—a rank treason, to say naught
of poor Jack Warden left without a
clout to cover him.”
It needed not the glance aside to
name mine enemy. But I would not
pleasure him with an answer. Neither
would Richard Jennifer. He stood si
lent for a little space, smiling and nurs
ing his chin in one hand, as his habit
was. Then he spoke again.
“I came to bid you God-speed, gen
tlemen. You tumbled bravely into my
little trap. I made no doubt you'd fol
low where the lady led, and so you
did. But you’ll turn back from this,
l do assure you, if there be any virtue
in an Indian barbecue.”
At thiB Richard could hold in no
longer.
"Curse you!" he gritted. "Do you
mean that you kidnaped Mistress Stair
to draw us out of hiding?”
“Truly,” said this arch-fiend, smiling
again. "Most unluckily for you, you
both stood in my way—you see, I am
speaking of it now as a thing past—
and I chanced upon this thought of
killing two birds with the one stone;
nay, three, I should say, if you count
the lady In."
“Have done!" choked Richard, in a
voice thick with impotent rage. "Give
place, you hound, and let your savages
to their work!"
“At your pleasure, Mr. Jennifer. I
have no fancy for funeral baked meats,
hot or cold, though they be made, as
now, to furnish forth a marriage sup
per. I bid you good night, gentlemen.
I'll go and make that call upon the lady
which you were so rude as to interrupt
a little while ago.” And with that he
turned his back upon us and Btrode
away, forgetting to tell his redskinned
myrmidons to strip me of that king's
uniform he was so loath to have me
burned in.
The Cherokees waited till the master
executioner was out of sight among
the trees. Then they set up their in
fernal howling again, and the fire
lighter ran to fetch a fresh brand.
"Courage, lad! 'twill soon be over
now," said I, hearing a groan from my
poor Dick.
His reply was a chattering curse, not
upon Falconnet or the Indians, but up
on hts malady, the tertian fever.
"Now, by all the fiends! I’m chilling
again. Jack!” he gasped. "It these
cursed wood-wolves mark it. they’ll set
| it down to woman cowardice and that
: will break my heart.”
Again I bade him be of good cour
I age. assuring him, not derisively, as it
looks when 'tls written out, that the
fire would presently medicine the chill
I ing. In the middle of the saying the
I lighted brand was fetched and thrust
among our fagotlngs, and the upward
curling smoke wreaths made me gasp
and strangle at the finish.
For a little time after the sucking in
> of that first smoke-breath—nature’s
anodyne for any of her poor creatures
doomed to die by fire—I saw and heard
less clearly and suffered only by antlcl
i pation. But to this day the smell of
I burning pine wood is like a sleeping
1 potion to me, and the sleep It brings is
full of dreams vaguely troubled.
So. while the Indians danced and
leaped about us, brandishing their
weapons and chanting the captives’
death song, and wrhile the blue and yel
low tongues of flame mounted from
twig to twig, climbing stealthily to
flick at us like little vanishing demon
whips, I saw and heard and felt as on*
i emote from ail the torture turmoil of
the moment. Through the dimming
haze of sleeping sensibility the dancing
savages became as marionettes in some
cunning puppet show; and the blood
stained figures stiffening against their
log took shapes less horrifying.
’Twas Dick's voice, coming, as it
seemed, from a mighty distance, that
broke the spell and brought me back to
quickened agonies. He spoke in pant
ing gasps, as the smoke would let him.
"One word, Jack, before we go—go to
our own place. He said—he said she
would be free to—to marry him. Tell
me ... O, God in Heaven!"
His agony was a lash to cut me deep
er than any flicking demon whip of
flame, yet I must needs add to it. ;
"Aye, Richard, I have wronged you,
wronged you desperately; can you hear
me yet? I say I have wronged you,
and I shall die the easier if you will
forgive—"
Once more the smoke, rising again
in denser clouds, cut me off, and
through the blinding blue haze of it I
saw the Indians running up with green
branches to beat it down lest It should
spoil their sport oversoon by smoth- i
erlng us out of hand.
With the chance to gasp and breathe
again, I would have confessed in full to
Richard Jennifer and had him shrive
me If he would. Hut when I called, he
did not answer. His head was rolling
from side to side, and his handsome
young face was all drawn and distorted
as in the awful grimaces of the death
throe.
You will not wonder that I could not
look at him; that I looked away for
very pity's sake, praying that I might
quickly breathe the flames, as I made
sure he had, and so be the sooner past
the anguish crisis.
There was good hope that the prayer
would have a speedy answer. The fires
were, burning clearer now, leaping up in
broad dragon's tongues of flame from
the outer edges of the fagot piles to
curtain off all that lay beyond. Through
the luminous ila*me-veil the capering
savages took on shapes the most weird
and grotesque; and when I had a
glimpse of the dead men's row, each |
hideous face in It seemed to wear a
grin of leering triumph.
Thus far there had been never a puff
of wind to fan the breeze. But now
above the shrilling of the Indian chant*;
and the crackling of the flames a low !
growl of thunder trembled in the upper
air, and a gentle breeze swept through
the tree tops.
So now I would commend my soul to ,
God, making sure that the breath He ;
gave would go out on the wings of the
first gust that should come to drive the
fiery veil inward. . But when the gust
came it was from behind; a sweep- ]
lng bosom to beat down the
leaping dragons' tongues; a pouring
flood of blessed coolness to turn the
ebbing life tide and to set the dulled
senses once more keenly alert.
With the wind came the rain, a pass
ing summer night’s shower of great
drops spattering on the leaves above
and dripping thence to fall hissing in
the fires. Then the thunder growled
again; and into the monotonous dron
ing of the Indian chant, or rather ris
ing sharp and clear above it, came a
sudden rattling fire of musketry from
the camp in the savanna—this, and the ;
sharp skirling of the troop captain's
whistle shrilling the assembly.
While yet the flames lay flattened In |
the wind, I saw the Indians wheel and
bound away to the rescue of their camp ;
like a pack of hounds in full cry. In !
a trice they were, wallowing through
the stream at the foot of the powder i
boulder; and then, as the flames leaped
up again, a dark form burst through
the fiery barrier, my bonds were cut,
and a strong hand plucked me out of
the scorching hell pit. h
If I did aught to help It was all me- I
chanlcal. I do remember dimly some
fierce struggle to free my legs from the
blazing tangle; this, and the swelling
sob of Joy at the sight of the faithful
Catawba hacking at Dick’s lashings
and dragging Hlhi also free of the fire. ;
And you may believe the welcome tears
came to ease the pain of my seared
eyes when my poor lad—I had thought
him gone past human help—took two
staggering steps and flung his arms
about my neck.
Uncanoola gave us no time to come ;
by easy stages to full-wit sanity. In a i
twinkling he had pounced upon us to I
crush us one upon the other behind the
larger tree. And now I come upon an
other of those flitting Instants so
crowded with happenings that the
swiftest pen must seem to make them ■
lag. ’Twas all in a heart beat, as It i
were; the Catawba’s freeing of us; his j
flinging us to earth behind the tree; a
spurt of blinding yellow flame from the
foot of the powder cliff, and a booming,
Jarring shock like that of an earth- ;
quake.
The momentary glare or the yellow [
flash lit up a scene most awe-inspiring, i
The spouting fountain of fire at the
base of the great powder rock was
thick with flying missiles; and on high I
the very cliff Itself was tottering and j
crumbling. So much I saw; then the |
Catawba sprang up to haul us afoot by j
main strength, and to rush us, with an i
arm for each, headlong through the i
wood toward the valley head.
But Dick hung back, and when the
dull thunder of the falling rocks, the ,
crash of the tumbling clllf and the shrill I
death yells of the doomed ones came to j
our ears, he fought loose from ths In- 1
dlan and flung himself down, crying as
if his heart would break.
“O God! she’s lost, she’s lost!—and I
have missed the chance to die with her
or for her!”
CHAPTER XXX.
HOW EPHRAIM YEATES PRAYED
FOR HIS ENEMIES.
However much or little the Catawba
understood of Richard Jennifer's grief
or its cause, the faithful Indian had a
thing to do and he did It, loosing his
grasp of me to turn and fall upon
Dick with pullings and haulings and
buftetlngs, fit to bring a man alive out
of a very stiffening rigor of despair.
So, in a hand-space he had him up,
and we were pressing on again, in mid
night darkness once we had passed be
yond the light of our grilling fires. No
word was spoken; under the Impatient
urging of the Indian there was little
breath to spare for speech. But when
Richard’s afterthought had set its
fangs in him, he called a halt and would
not be denied.
"Go on, you two, if you are set upon
it,” he said. “I must go back. Be
think you, Jack; what if she be only
maimed and not killed outright. ’Tis
too horrible! I’m going back, I say.”
The Catawba grunted his disgust.
"Captain Jennif talk fas’; no run
fas'. What think? White squaw
yonder—no yonder,” pointing first for
ward and back In the direction of the
stricken camp.
Richard spun around and gripped the
Indian by the shoulders. “Then she Is
alive and safe?” he burst out. "Speak,
friend, whilst I leave the breath in
you to do it!”
“Ugh!" said the chief, in nowise
I moved either by Jennifer’s vehemence
| or by the dog-like shake. "What for
| Captain Jennif think papoose thinks
’bout the Gray Wolf and poor InjunT
Catch um white squaw firs’; then blow
um up Chelakee camp and catch um
Captain Jennlf and Captain Long
knife If can. Heap do firs' thing firs’,
and las’ thing las’. Wahl"
It was the longest speech this de
voted ally of ours was ever known to
make; and having made it he went
dumb aagin save for his urgings of us
forward. But present both he and I
had our hands full with the poor lad.
The swift transition from despair to
Joy proved too much for Dick; and, be
sides, the fever was in his blood and he
was grievously burned.
So we went stumbling on through the
cloud-darkened wood, locked arm in
arm like three drunken men, tripping
over root snares and bramble nets
spread for our feet, and getting well
sprinkled by the dripping foliage. And
at the last, when we reached the ra
vine at the valley’s head, Dick was
muttering In the fever delirium and we
were well-night carrying him a dead
weight between us.
'Twas a most -heart-breaking busi
ness, getting the Jrior^ad up that rock
ladder of escape in the darkness; for
though I had come out of the fire with
fewer burns than the roasting of me
warranted, the battle preceding it had
opened the old sword wound in my
shoulder. So, taking it all in all, I was
but a short-breathed second to the
faithful Catawba.
None the less, we tugged it through
after some laborious fashion, and were
glad enough when the steep ascent
gave place to leveler going, and we
could sniff the fragrance of the pla
teau pines and feel their wire-like
needles under foot.
By this the shower cloud had passed
and the stars were coming out, but It
was still pitch black under the pines;
bo dark that I started like a nervous
woman and went near to panic when
a horse snorted at my very ear, and a
voice, bodiless, as it seemed, said:
"Well, now; the Lord be praised! if
here ain’t the whole enduring—”
What Ephraim Yeates would hav#
said, or did say. was lost upon me.
For now my poor Dick’s strength was
quite spent, and when the chief and
I were easing him to lie full length up
on the ground, there was a quick little
cry out of the darkness, a swish of
petticoats, and my lady darted in to
fall upon Richard in a very transport
or pity.
“Oh, my poor Dick! they have killed
you!" she sobbed; "oh, cruel, cruel!”
Then she lashed out at us. “Why don’t
you strike a light? How can I find
and dress his hurts in the dark?”
“Your pardon. Mistress Margery,” I
said; “'tis only that the fever has
overcome him. He hns no sorq hurts,
as I believe, save the fire-scorching.”
"A light!" she commanded; "I must
have a light and se . for myself. ”
We had to humor her. though it was
something against prudence. Epraim
found dry punk in a rotten log, and fir
ing it with the flint and steel of a
great king's musket—one of his reav
ings from the enemy—soon had a pine
knot torch for her. She gave it to the
Catawba to hold; and while she was
cooing over her patient and binding up
his burns in some simples gathered
near at hand by the Indian. I had the
story of the double rescue from the
old hunter.
Set forth in brief, that which had
come as a miracle to Dick and me fig
ured as a daring bit of strategy made
possible by the emptying of the Indian
camp at our torture spectacle.
Yeates and the Catawba, following
out the plan agreed upon, had come
within spying distance u'hile yet we
were In the midst of that hopeless
back-to-back battle, and had most
wisely held aloof. But later, when ev
ery Indian of the Cherokee band was
busy at our torture trees, they set to
work.
With no watch to give the alarm,
’twas easy to rifle the Indian wigwams
of the firearms and ammunition. Tha
latter they threw into the stream; tha
muskets they loaded and trained over
a fallen tree at the northern edge of
the savanna, bringing them to bear
pointblank upon the light-horse guard
gathered again around the great fire.
The next step was the cutting out of
the women; this was effected whilst
the baronet-captain was paying his
courtesy call on us. Like the looting
of the Indian camp, ’twas quickly
planned and daringly done; it asked
but the quieting of the two trooper
guards on the forest side of the tepee
lodge, a warning word to Margery and
her woman, and a shadow-like flitting
with them over the dead bodies of
their late Jailers to the shelter of the
wood.
Once free of the camp, Yeates had
hurried his charges to a place of tem
porary safety farther up the valley,
leaving the Catawba to cross the
stream to lay a train of dampened
powder to the makeshift magazine.
When he had led the women to a place
of safety, the old man left them and
ran back to his masked battery of load
ed muskets. Here, at an owl-cry sig
nal from Uncanoola, he opened fire up
on the redcoats.
The outworking of the coup de main
was a triumph for the old borderer’s
shrewd generalship. At the death
dealing volley the Englishmen were
thrown into confusion; whilst the In
dians, summoned by the firing and the
shrilling of the captain’s whistle,
dashed blindly into the trap. At the
right moment Uncanoola touched off
his powder train and cut in with a
clear field for his rescue of Dick and
me. Continued Next Week.)
Cherry Growing.
| Iowa is making steady progress as a
fruit growing state. The census of 1890 re
i ported 3.149,588 apple trees growing within
her borders. In 1900 the number had
reached 6,869,588.
In 1895 there were 707,506 plum trees In
the state; In *900, 1,302,217. In cherry trees
the increase is even more striking, thers
being 200,000 trees in 1S90, against 800,000 in
1900.
While the climate of the northern part of
the state Is no doubt too severe for suc
cessful cherry growing with any except
the hardiest varieties, this delicious fruit
] can easily be grown in the central and
southern parts. The tree is handsome and
ornamental and is appropriate for lawn
and garden.
; Some work recently done by Professors
Price and Little at the experiment station
I at Ames furnishes valuable information
upon cherry culture. This material is be
ing given to the public as bulletin 73 of
; the station.
! A brief historical note on the cherry is
given, followed by a discussion of the fol
lowing phases of the subject: Propaga
tion, native stocks, top grafting, site, soil,
planting, cultivation, cover crops, pruning,
insect and fungous enemies, protection
j from birds, etc. Considerable space is de
voted to a list of varieties with notes upon
their characteristics, behavior In various
sections, etc. Blossoming periods of the
leading varieties are graphically shown
by means of charts.
! The bulletin is a valuable handbook for
the commercial orchardist, nurseryman
and farmer. Write C. F. Curtiss, director
of experiment station, Ames, la., for a
copy if you are interested.
Brought Trouble on Himself.
Butte Inier-Mountain: White—What
is the matter with Plunger’s head?
Green—Yesterday was his wooden
wedding and he gave his wife a rolling
pin for a present and when he return
ed from celebrating the event she re
turned the present with a speech suit
able to the occasion.
i TROUBLES OF THE
POOR UMPIRE
“Silk” O’Lough I in, an American
League Arbitrator, Tell*
Some Interesting Stories.
ALL KINDS OF PLAYERS
Some of Them Kick Because They
Can’t Help It, While Others Are
Malicious—Some Amusing
Stories.
The umpires and the ball players get
along much better than Is generally
supposed. While on the field there Is
frequently an exchange of words that
causes the fans to think that nothing
but gore will ever wipe out the stain.
As a matter of fact the men under
stand each other pretty well and real
ize that in the heat of the contest many
bitter things are likely to be said,
which are forgotten the moment the
contest is finished. Yet there are play
ers who are mean and ugly at all times.
These furnish the umpires with the
most trouble. Occasionally a manager
breaks into the game and makes trou
ble, but the unsportsmanlike individ
uals are few and far between, it is be
lieved.
One of the most Interesting discus
sions regarding the game from the um
pire’s statements is told by a sporting
writer In a Chicago newspaper. Silk
O’Laughlin, who is attached tu the
American league staff of umpires, is
one of the best known and most popular
arbitrators in the business. And he 'Is
a student of human nature as the fol
lowing interview with him shows:
“If umpires were to take to heart all
of the cracks the players make at them
during a season they’d all be drawing
green tickets for the booby hatch and
making bughouse finishes," said
O’Loughlin this week.
"Some ball players can no more help
giving slack to an umpire than they
can help their hair growing. They
were born aggressive, and they’ve been
pugnacious from the cradle.
Natural Born Kickers.
“It would be unfair to treat these
fellows, most of whom off the ball field,
are all right and the best chaps imagin
able, as players are treated who have
complete control of themselves and
who chuck insults at umpires with
utter and wanton deliberation without
being sore at all.
"These natural born kickers have got
different kinds of bugs. Some of them
will carry their bats to the bench with
out a word when the umpire an
nounces that they’ve been whiffed out,
but they’ll put up a bellow that can
be heard a mile when they’ve been
nabbed by a cable’s length in trying to
pilfer a base.
“These are the ones who have got
it into their conks that they are un
beatable base runners, and no matter
how obvious it may be to all hands!
that they have been beat to it by the
ball, they'll emit the bull roar every
time the umpire announces that they’ve
failed to nab a sack.
“Others of the born buckers will'
wheel upon an umpire and growl at
him out of the corner of their mouths
every time they’re called out on strikes,
while they never exclude a bleat over
the closest kind of base decisions in
which they figure. They are ball play
ers who have been in the game for
nearly two decades, and still regard it
as a personal reflection upon them and
an acute humiliation when they’re
called out on strikes, no matter how
well it may be known to all the fans ini
the country that they’re sagging in:
their hitting.
Fired the Sneering Player.
’’It’s the cool, sneering fellows who
let out their cracks at the umpire, with
out ever being in the least het up over
decisions, who get on the nerves of an
arbitrator of the ball field. They’re the
chaps who like to take up subscriptions
to buy an umpire a silver loving knife,
so to speak.
“I once put a team captain out of the
game and off the lot altogether for a
peculiarly vicious and offensive remark
that he made to me—not over a decision
that had been rendered, but Just as he
was passing out to the lot when his side
went out. He just sidled alongside of
me and let out the dirty stab in a low
tone of voice, so that nobody else, not
even any of the players, heard him.
"He was off the grounds inside of
three minutes, and I got the roasting
of my life from the crowd. They didn’t
know what had happened, for the cap
tain of the team hadn't even looked in
my direction when he addressed the
offensive remark to me.
"Now, the catcher of that captain’s
team had been bawling around like a
bull of Bashan over my decisions on
strikes and balls all the afternoon, and
when, after putting the captain out for
his nasty uppercut, I failed to maverick
the catcher, too, who kept right on bel
lowing, the sun gods just got up on
their hind legs and let me have it from
soup to nuts. They didn’t know the an
swer, which was simply that the catch
er, while kicking—he was one of the
natural born buckers—hadn’t done or
said anything to warrant his being
chased, while the captain had more
than merited being escorted to the gate.
“The crowds that set up a roasting of
the umpire can't see or hear everything
that comes off on a ball lot. If they
could they’d be a whole lot less prone
to sudden and unjust attacks upon the
arbitrator.
‘T never put a player out of a game
when he acts suspiciously, as If he Is
trying to get put out. That would make
It too soft entirely for such a player.
"I ran Into one of them In one of the
western cities not long ago. He's a
catcher, and a swell one at that.
"I noticed when he began the game
that he was perspiring In a way that
looked abnormal for a man who gen
erally keeps himself in such fine condi
tion, and I had It correctly figured out
that he’d had a bit of a quiet whiz
with the bunch the night bofere. He
was doing his work all right, but it
was hard work for him, as I could eas
ily see.
“Well, along toward the middle of the
game I was compelled to maverick one
of the players for offensive and persist
ent bucking, and then the catcher
turned upon me and began to emit a
bunch ot grunts at me. He never was
a kicker, and he surprised me.
'That'll be about all from you, pal,’
I said to him—he's a man I've been on
terms with for a good many years.
! 'You watch out or out you'll go, too.'
" 'Put me out!' he grunted at me,
mopping his perspiring face with the
sleeve of his jacket. ‘I dare you to put
me out! I want to be put out!’
■■ 'And that's the answer, old man—I
know you do,’ I said to him. ‘I can’t
help these hard nights of yours. You
go to work and sweat it out, that’s all.
Batter up!’
"He turned a sheepish grin upon me
through his mask, muttered something
about tow-headed, crafty fellows, and
got down to business for the remainder
of the aftomoon.
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From the Kansas CUy Times.
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DISFIGURING HUMOR.
BRUSHED SCALES FROM FACE
LIKE POWDER
Doctor Said Lady Would Be Dis
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