V
LEFT HIM GUESSING
INSPECTOR HAD NO ANSWER TO
CUB'S RETORT.
Army Officer Relates How He Got
Beautiful Setback from the
Young Quartermaster of a
Western Post.
"In nn Interchange of repartee,
friendly or for blood, one can nearly
ahvnys find some sort of answer In
rebuttal," said an army olllcer of the
quartermaster's department, "but I
got the finest flooring at a western
post the other day you ever heard of.
"This cub is the quartermaster at
the western post. Kather a classy
young fellow, too, only eccentric. I
suspect that what alls him is that he's
a bit of a genius.
"About two years ago this youug offi
cer had a bad fit of sickness after his re
turn from the Philippines, and it af
fected his head. In fact, he had to
take sick leave for six months and
go to an Institution where people are
treated for nervous prostration. At
the end of his six months lie was ex
amined by a board of army surgeons,
pronounced quite sane again they
gave him a certificate to that effect
and he was restored to duly in the
quartermaster's department. He was
nssigned to duty at this western
post.
"He isn't much of a bookkeeper,
and his accounts got all pickled up a
while ago, and so after a lot of futile
correspondence the quartermaster's
department fired me off to straighten
the cub's accounts out.
"When I finished the job of straight
ening his accounts I proceeded as per
orders to read a little lilece or two
from the riot act to him.
" 'You've got to take a brace, son,'
I said to him, 'or they'll bo coming
down on you like a thousand of brick.
They won't stand for another bunch
of messed up accounts from you.
You've got to got right down to It and
keep these things straight if you lose
a leg at the job.'
"Well, he's a decent boy, and all
that, but when he proceeded to give
me an argument about this gentle lit
tle lecture I couldn't help but call him.
His idea of it was that the quarter
master's department's established
method of having post accounts kept
was all wrong, too laborious, involved,
complicated, and so on, and he said
he'd like to have the job of revising
the f department's old-fashioned meth
ods' as he called them. Thls partic
ularly riled me.
" 'You're dreaming, youngster,' I
said to him. 'Dreaming or daft'
"Then utterly forgetting that the
young fellow had been out of his head
in a sanitarium for quite a spell of
course I never would have made the
remark if I'd remembered that I
added:
" Fact is, you're crazy as a loon.'
"The whelp knew that I wouldn't
have said that had I remembered
about his experience, and so he gazed
at me without a bit of resentment in
his expression.
" 'Is that so?' he said to me. 'All the
same, I'm the only man on this reser
vation who has got a certificate that
lie is absolutely sane.'
"I suppose that wasn't a hot one!
It took me right off my pins. There
wasn't a word to be said in reply
to that, and the only thing I could do
was lo slouch away and make for
some quiet spot where I could think
it over."
Cremation in Scotland.
Tho movement in favor of cremation
is making slow but steady progress
In Scotland. According to the latest
report of the Scottish Burial Reform
and Cremation society the past two
years show a remarkable advance as
compared with the immediately pre
ceding year. In 1!)05 thero were 20
cremations in Scotland, in 190G tho
total rose to 42, and in the year end
ing September last It was again 42.
Moth a Hypnotist.
"Did you ever know," said the hyp
notist as he played with a curious glit
tering hypnotizing machine of crystal
and silver, "did you over know that
hypnotism is practiced among insects 1
"Well, it is a fact. A queen bee can
hypnotize her whole hive whenever she
wants to. She makes a curious hum
ming sound, and within a moment or
two every bee in the colony falls Inlo
a hypnotic trance.
"The death's head hawk moth Is also
a hypnotist of groat power. This crea
ture, Indeed, makes its living out of
hypnotism. Entering a hive, it makes a
sound not unlike tho queen bee's note,
and, tho bees immediately sinking into
slumber, tho moth proceeds to plunder
at its leisure."
No Chance at All.
"But," said Doggett, "why don't
you argue tho thing out with your
wife?"
"O!" replied Meeker, "my wife has
very positive vlows on that subject.
The moment I opened my mouth sho
would put her foot down, and "
"The idea. I should think you'd
choke."
POLICE JUDGE WILLS.
Will Gladly Answer the Questions of
any Inquirer.
It is a generous offer that Polico
Judge J. H. Wills, of Cloverport, Ky.,
makes to sufferers from backache, kid-
ne and bladder Ills.
Judge Wills knows
the value of Doan's
Kidney Pills and
will answer the ques
tions of any sufferer
who writes to him.
The judge says: "I
tako pleasuro In
rccom m o n d i n tr
Doan's Kidney Pills to persons suffer
ing from kidney disorders, backache,
etc. It Is tho best remedy I have
ever known and I will gladly answer
any questions nbout it."
Sold by all dealers. 50 cents n box.
Foster-Mllburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y.
TOO MUCH.
Eddie I don't .mind so much dat I
quit smoktn 'cause you ast me tor, but
ter be refused after I'd gone an'
washed me handsome face fer a week
ntralght well, honest, I didn't think it
of yer.
ECZEMA FOR 55 YEARS.
Suffered Torments from Birth In
Frightful Condition Got No Help
Until Cuticura Cured Him.
"I had an itching, tormenting ecze
ma ever since I came into the world,
and I am now a man 55 years old.
I tried all kinds of medicines I heard
of, hut found no relief. 1 was truly
in a frightful condition. At last I
broke out all over with red and white
boils, which kept growing until they
were as big as walnuts, causing great
pain and misery, but I kept from
scratching as well as I could. I was
so run down that I could hardly do
my work I used Cuticura Soap, Oint
ment, Resolvent, and Pills for about
eight months, and I can truthfully say
I am cured. Hale Bordwell, Tipton,
la., Aug. 17, 1907."
"I cheerfully endorse the above tes
timonial. It is the truth. I know Mr.
Bordwell and know the condition he
was in. Nelson R. Burnett, Tipton, la."
A Necessity of Life.
The liquor men say that Americans
every year spend less money for liquor
than for chewing gum, proprietary
medicines, candy, perfumes and hair
oil. However, Americans simply must
havo hair oil.
OVEIl NINK MIIiMON (0.200,000)
HOLD TIU8 YEAR.
Sales Lewis' Single Binder cigars for
year 1907 more than ,M),ooo
SaleB for 1900 8,500,000
Gain 700,000
Quality brings the business.
Doesn't Work Both Ways.
Liquor improves with age, but un
fortunately the same rule doesn't ap
ply to those who drink it.
A Beautiful Watch Fob Free
to those who ship us $5 worth of hides or
furs or buy kuiik or traps to that amount.
N. W. HIDK & KLMt CO., Minneapolis.
Every great man is always being
helped by everybody, for his gift is to
get good out of all things and all per
sons. Ruskin.
Why not the Natural laxative, Garfield
Tea? It-'s Pine, Mild and Potent. Made
of Herbs. Write for samples. Garfield Tea
Co.. Brooklyn, N. Y.
The more money a girl has to burn
tho easier it will be for her to find a
leap-year match.
"WHAT CAUSES HKADACHK.
From October lo May, Colds nre the most re
quunt cause or Headache. LAXATIVE HUOMO
(jUININE removes cuusc. K.W.Orovcon box25o
Every misfortune can bp subdued
by patience. Socrates.
the
Change
B M
MAI
IMMIGRATION FROM
SOUTH EXPECTED
U. 8. FARMERS ARE RECOGNIZING
SPLENDID OPPORTUNITIES
OFFERED BY WESTERN
CANADA.
St. Paul, Minn., Feb. 9, 190S. Pres
ent indications are that the Canadian
Northwest will draw an exceptionally
heavy movement of new settlers from
tho United States this year. It should
surpass the banner record
This is not only based on
that tho Americans have
realize generally that tho
for 1907.
the fact
como to
Caundian
Northwest offers splendid opportuni
ties, but also because tho railroads
have awakened to the fact and nro
offering rates lo. the Canndinn North
west which are exceptionally favor
able. Tho lines which lead to St. Paul
from the east and south are offering
homeseekers' rates to the Canndinn
Northwest this year which arc on a
parity with those in existence to tho
southwest for a couple of seasons.
These rates can be obtained from
any agent of the Canadian govern
ment, who will be pleased to give all
information possible regarding thoso
districts which offer tho greatest In
ducements to settlers. Tho weather
throughout Western Canada has been
remnrkably good this year. A tele
gram from the winter wheat belt of
Southern Alberta dated at Cardston,
Alberta, January 29th, says:
"This winter up to January 25 was
nothing short of a marvel, in fact, It
was the finest anyone can remember
for twenty-five years though thero
have been others nearly sis good. Tho
days were fine, sunny and warm wltlj
light frosts at night. Overcoats and
gloves, etc., were discarded by most,
people in the day time. There was
so little frost In the ground thnt post
holes could bo dug without any trouble
after the first inch wns broken
through. Winter wheat remained
fresh and green although there has
been no snow since the September
storm. If there Is an early spring,
winter wheat should gain a great
start."
Amongst the reports of the yield
of last year the following extracts are
taken:
H. Howe, of Magrath, Alta, writ
ing on November, 1907, says: ".I have
70 acres in crop, 50 acres of wheat and
seven acres of oats. My average yield
of oats was 35 bushels to the acre,
and of wheat 45 bushels. The value
to me was $35 per acre."
J. F. Haycock, of Magrath, writes
In November: 'I had 65 acres in win
ter wheat, which went 60 bushels to
the acre; oats averaged 80 bushels. I
also had 12 tons of hay worth $10
per ton. I got 600 bushels of pota
toes from three acres of land; I got
eight tons per acre from five acres of
sugar beet."
J. F. Bradshaw. of Magrath, had
1,030 acres of winter wheat Inst year
which averaged 39 V& bushels to the
acre. The value of his farm products
per acre was: Wheat, $31.60; oats,
$11.20 and barley, $25.15.
There Is nothing ill said that 1b not
111 taken. German.
ONLY ONK "liltOMO OU1NINK"
That In LAXATIVK liltOMO QUlNlNK. Ixioi fnl
tlin ulsrnuturn or K. W. UUOYIS. Uoed the World
over to C'uru 11 Cold In Olio Itoy. 25c.
Try to get rich quick to-day, then
hunt a job to-morrow.
RHEUMATISM
Is most painful.
Whot's good?
SMACOBS OIL
Gives instant relief.
Removes the twinges.
Kg USE IT, THEN YOU'LL KNOW
W 2 60 .ALL, DRUGGISTS-SOc.
Weak Women frequently suffer great pain and misery duriner the change of
life, when the female functions are undergoing the readjustment that comes to
every woman. . .These hot and cold flashes, pains in back or side, drawing sensa
tions, headaches, dizzy feelings, etc., have been found, in thousands of cases, toj
disappear, as a result of taking
Wine
Mrs. Lucinda 0. Hill, of Freeland, 0 writes: "Before I took Cardui, I suffer
ed so, I was afraid to lie down at night. After I took it I felt better in a week.
Now my pains have gone, and the change of life has nearly left me." Try .Cardui.
UDIT17 I7AD I? DEI? DA AIT w.r,tS for rc W-P Book for Women, glvlnsr fsymptomo, cauet, home treatwent n
IfBtlllj fflllL rlflM. DUUH TluUlc hlnta on diet, exercises, etc. Bent free on request in plain wrapper, by nail
,6
ALCOHOL-3 PEn -CENTf
AVegetable Preparation for As
similating iheFooclairdRegula
ting the Stomachs and Bowels of
Promotes Digcslion,Chccrful
ncss anil He st.Con tains neither
Opium .Morphine nor Mineral
Not Narc otic.
Jfctpt cfOtd DrSA?WEimWSK
yftxSffta (
AWMleSait )
Am'u Stitt
ftpptrmint
JfitlrrimttfrStifit
HermSftd -
Clari'td Sugar ,
Yinhrfrttn. flavor.
A perfect Remedy forConstlpa
Hon , Sour Stomach.Diarrhoea,
Worms .Convulsions .Fevcrish
ncss and Loss OF Sleep
facsimile Signature of
Tms Centaur Company;
NEW YORK.
Guaranteed qndcr tho Foodatj
Exact Copy of Wrapper
ill niiimn
riUr
"MEMBER OFTHE FAMILY,
MEN, BOYS, WOMEN, MISSES AND CHILDREN.
cg W. L. Oougjam maknm and mrnllrn mora Eft
njmn'a$2BO, $3.00 and 93.BO mhoma
than MvtfAw manufacturer In 1hm
world, hmoauam thay hold thalrm&b
W. L. Douglas $4 and $5 Gilt Edge Shoes Cannot Be Equalled At Any Price e.
T'AIJ'riO!V. W. 1 DonfiUanamo ami prlcoln rtumped on bottom. VnUr No Hahatltwt.
Hold by the deft nlioe dealer rTrrywln.ro. Bboea mailed from fartory to any pnrt of tlie world. Hint
tinted Oataloif free to any addrtu. W. L.. JIOUCll.AM, llrucktuti. Mum.
Better Than Paint
At One -Tenth
Our REFINED TAR I thi bl
On gallon covert 3W iquar. feel of aurfara.
V jt dlpplnir hliiRlca, palntlns fell roofn. Iron or metal surfecee
Oi-r REI-INKD TAR liaa no equal. Especially adapted for painting
barne, poultry houeee, hog and cattla aheda, aa It l( a perfect germi
cide killing all mile and Inaectpeeta,
Recommeni'ea tiytne Mate experiment aiaiion loriejring uuh ana
nreventlnir mud In nig oen. thereby preventing cough and other lung trouble.
niack I tho one color In which Our HErlNhll AH I mid. Tim finish un metal
I tlmllir to Jpni on wood Refined Tar soak In like paint, preserving Ilia wood.
No sample reent out, It I (old In null quantities. Try It. You will nothing
else. Write us today. OMAHA
for iiTir vrn distemper
PINK EYE
Cardui
y.t . ..uy.au. i- uwyi Ub bUUWUUUl. WWblu v.u. WU.IIIUIIUI, tguui
CUSTOM
For Infants and Children,
II 1 1 B
The Kind You Have
Always Bought
Sears the
Signature
, of
In
Use
For Over
Thirty Years
CUSTOM
The Cost
wood and mafal preservative known.
GAB COMPANY IISjO oouiiwvtn at,, j uaba. I
CATARRHAL FEVER
AND ALL NOSE
AND THROAT DISEASES
DkHftxHxm' rail
' wa
Cures tlio Kick ami iicIh tin n jirovptitlve for otlitTH. Liquid glvrn on
the toiiKtli'. Hufi; for brood mures anil nil oIIkm h. Hi-mI lddncy riMimly ; UJ
i'eiitHiiiid8l.()0iil)ottlc;9.ri.(X)iindifl).00 tin docn. Hold Uy till druffulstg
and liorne koo1h iioukl-h, or Hint vxpruHH imll, by tliu initnufiiftiirera.
SPOHN MEDICAL CO., Chemi.U, GOSHEN, INDIANA
LIVE STOCK AND
MISCELLANEOUS
Electrotypes
IN GREAT VARIETY
I'ORj SALE cAT THE
LOWEST PRICES UY
a.n.ki:lloog newspapkk go.
73 W. Aduins St., Chlcuco
SEED
THAT'S PUHE
au our n ni is tested
and WAirntitnil to Imi
reliable. Wrltii for
our new uauuomie. its niEK.
J.J. H. Guooii A Son, MmuKuo, Mm.
DEFIANCE STARCH VSSSZ1
W. N. U., LINCOLN, NO. 9, 1908.