HUMOE OF THE WEEK.
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, Curlonn nnd LntiRlinble I'linnes of
lliitmitt Nature Graphically Portrny
ed by Kutiiicut Word Artlata of Our
Own Day A Hud get of Fun.
Lord Froolnnoh Ah, count, did you
mnko u favorable impression on the fa
ther of the heiress?
Count Hrokein Fuvornble7 Why,'
when I tpld him I wns looking for bin
dauKlitor's bund ho said ho thought I
was looking for n handout."
Wiirlh I.lttlo, Indeed.
"Darling," lie said, hoarsely, "I lovo
you better than niy very llfo."
"And and suppose I should refuse
you?" asked the beautiful girl.
'Then I should kill myseJf."
"(JracionsI Your life must he worth
-a great deal."
Am n ftencrul Thlwr You Cun.
"I don't think much of these fellows
that are easily influenced; I tell you,
you can't turn me."
"That's strange; you can usually
turn a wank."
Wonderful.
The modern Sherlock had been hast
ily summoned to discover why so little
work was done in the big ollice while
the boss was out.
"I observe," said Sherlock, looking
around the room, "that Mr. Hones, your
tall bookkeeper, lias been kissing your
pretty stenographer during your ab
sence."
"How in the world did you find that
out?" gasped the boss.
"Why, she lias a blot of Ink on her
nose, lie forgot to remove the pen
from behind Lis ear."
Alteration Necexsary.
"Will you kindly alter tills sign?'
said the man with the curly whiskers
nnd yellow grip.
"How should I alter it?" asked the
sign painter. "It already has 'Don'
Worry' on it."
"Yes, but change It to 'Don't Hurry
I am going to Philadelphia."
H fully OnervliiK.
"Where yeou going, Hiram?" asked
the old lady on the train.
"Up in the 'observation car,' " 'replied
her husband, wtli a grin.
"Why, the observation car t on be
hind."
"No, it ain't ; It's up front. Thar's
four honeymoon couples up tlinr."
Chance to Swim.
"I hear that your suburban place is
for sale, Ilarker. Do you think I
would suit uieV"
"Yes, if you have the proper kind of
feet."
"What kind of feet will I need?"
"Web."
The He'll Jin Crown-Up.
TOPICS OF THE TIMES.
A CHOICE SELECTION OF INTER
ESTING ITEMS.
Comment mid CrltlcUniH Ilnncd Upon
the lhiniictitnu of tho Duy-tUntorl
cnl and News Note.
Are the spring poets really any worse
than tho Jokes that are sprung about
hem?
Attorney (Jeneral Moody tbinkn lie
las at last found the right antidote for
tha drug trust.
A poem passing the rounds Is In
scribed to -"The Kitchen Tabic." Now
for tlie ten-plate stove!
The Czar says his 'first thought is
for the happiness of his people. Upon
sober second thought lie Is probably
for tho Czar.
Canada boasts that 12,000 tons of
lobsters are caught in that country
every year. Still it is not nam to
catch a lobster.
Now we know the origin of the ex
nresshm. "mad as a hatter." There Is
one In Paris to whom Honl de Castel
In ue owes vl'2,00O.
The commission asks $20,000,000 more
to enablo them to move the dirt In Pan
nma. This canal business, couldn't be
ailed dirt che.ap.
"Ma'am, we don't allow babies in this
house."
"Hut I'm going to put him In panta
noxt week." New York Herald.
Feminine Charity.
He I wish I could, ascertain Miss
Overton's oorect age.
She -Well, there Is only one way you
, n manage It.
He How Is that?
She Outlive her and reud It on bur
tombstone.
Just as we are learning all about
the different ways of getting rich (puck,
tho courts come along and show that
none of them are safe.
That German who was arrested for
sneezing might make the plea that he
tot his signals mixed and thought the
lOmperor was taking snuff.
It must carry It or else suffer the con
sequences that Inevitably follow fall
uro to do that which society demands.
It Is now the turn of the sponge to
come In for a drubbing. A very est rp-
tlonally serious Journal has been inves
tigating the possibilities of the sponge
for evil. ISy observation, experl .Den
tation and careful cnlcul.itlon It has !
lived at a position at which It is able
to announce that an average-sized
sponge of the common household varie
ty absorbs and ejects no less than "nu
callous of water a year. This water
contains impurities and the nponge col
lects these Impurities with the same fa
tal facility that Is shown by a good Al
ter. Only, with the niter the clear
water stays away and the sffsingo full
of Impurities remains to work deadly
harm, if the sponge owner uses soap,
the cnse"s all the worse. Insoluble
curds of lime soap are formed which
remain along with the Impurities from
the water. The sponge will "obviously
teem with iK)Kntlalltles for evil." Its'
slime Is a "prolillc breeding ground for
micro-organisms." Under these cir
cumstances, and especially considering
that the more we wash tho greater our
peril, It Is n real relief to be told ex
actly how to disinfect the sponge In
the most effective manner. Hero are
the rules: First wash your sponge In
strong washing soda solution. Next
rinse It in a weak solution of hydro
chloric acid. Then rinse It In pure,
water. Then this Is specially Import-
nut squeeze It dry. Finally hang It
un for several hours in tho sun's rays
We feel that we would not be doing
our dutv If we did not shove tills In
formation nlong, with the added advice
that unless each man personally dlsin
feels his own sponge he never can be
sure that he has safely arrived beyom
reach of harm.
Denmark sells $40,000,000 worth of
butter a year. Is there a mathemati
cian who can tell us tho size of the
piece of bread that much butter would
Hread?
The men who are accused of stealing
several counties in Oregon may try to
fliow that they arc innocent because
they made no effort to carry the coun
ties away.
On the window of a London dentist's
appears the announcement: "Teeth ex
tracted with great pains." He offers a
novelty. Most dentists' advertisements
are less truthful.
J. Pierpont Morgan Is reported to be
forming a gigantic coal trust. Can't
somebody hurry along with another
batch of relics In which Morgan may
become Interested?
"IOxpressIous of good will" In the
vny of blocks of stock from railroads
and other corporations are likely to
provo unpopular In the future; they
furnish too many handholds for the
grand Juries.
Atlanta Is getting ready to have an
exposition In 1010. We had begun to
believe our cities had outgrown tho
exposition habit, but It appears that a
stray case still breaks out occasionally
hero and there. '
It lias been proposed by a club
woman that every old bachelor should
jc compelled to support at least one
orphan. This scheme has some good
points, but If things go on as they are
going In fashionable districts It may,
In .the near future, be hard to And'
enough orphans to go around.
Months ago the Portuguese warship
Raptlsta Andrado, carrying a new gov
ernor to Mozambique, disappeared from
the world's ken. All hands have been
found on an African Island, whither
the ship was driven by a tornado. In
this day Robinson Onsoo would have a
poor chanco of living through enough
adventure to make a book; somo ship
with no regard for literary possibili
ties would pick him up within a year.
Borne one lias slightingly said that
nobfdy reads jwetry. That poetry Is
read a student of statistics has shown
by the records of the Roston Public
Library. Ho finds that In four months
the poetry of Rrownlng, Wliittier,
Wordsworth, Tennyson and fimorson
wns called for more frequently than
the novels of Trollopo, Cooper, Ilowells,
Anthony Hope, Mrs. Humphrey Ward,
James M. Rarrlo or James Lane Allen;
but that Dickens, Scott, Mary M. Wil
kins and Thackeray, in tins order, were
more jmpular than tho poets or tho
other novelists mentioned.
It wna Nnint Lawrence, the patron
(mint of Spain, who wns broiled to
denth over a slow II ro, because, as
treasurer to Pope Sextus II., ho
refused to give up the keys to his
cash boxes. Saint Lawrence was a
Spaniard by birth, and a gridiron ii
emblematical of tho torture he
endured. A gridiron is in somo
nstances used as a vase for churches
dedicated to his memory; and the
i'curial, the palace and mausoleum
of the Spanish king, twenty-seven
miles nortltoaet of Madrid, is built in
gridiron form in honor of him The
Kscurial was built by Philip II., in
the sixteenth century.
Kvery sign of the times Indicates
that the people of America are ad
vancing to a higher ethical plane.
Things that heretofore have been tol
erated are now condemned. Tho an
2lent excuse that others have done it
that It is the way of tho world Is less
accepted. Tho big corixjratlon must
Bhow greater rectitude of conduct than
was displayed by individuals In the
old days. From those to whom much
power lias been given correspondingly
more la required. As wealth has In
creased a new burden Is laid upon It
Evidence of a reaction from the ex
treme secularism of public-school edu
cation is afforded by the effort which
the leaders In tho various denonilna
lions in New York City are making tc!
secure such a modification of tho school
regulations that the children may be
taught religion in the churches on one
afternoon a week. The plan proposed
does not involve the expenditure of pub
lie money for denonilntlonal Instruction
Neither does it contemplate the use of
the public schoolhouses. All that Is eon
templated is tho Injection of formal ic
llglous instruction into the period usu
ally devoted to secular study. At a re
cent meeting held to discuss the project
it was Indorsed by representative Rap
tlsts, Congregatlonallsts. Jews, Moth
odists, Presbyterians, Protestants, Kpln
copallans and Roman Catholics. They
all agreed wth the dictum of the Ger
man philosopher that morality Is the
substance of society and that religion Ja
the substance of morality. One of tliu
speakers remarked that he did not
think that enough had been dono for
the children when they had received In
struction In the three It's. They needet
to be taught "three more Important It's
righteousness, reverence and responsl
blllty." This American movement stll
lit Its infancy, must be distinguished
from the Kngllsh activity orer religious
education. In England public money
has been used to teach denomlnationa
religion, 'and there is a large body of
persons who still think the money
should bo so used. There Is agreeinen
on both sides of tin ocean on the lin
portnnce of religious Instruction. Thus
far it has found chief expression here
in the adoption In various Sunday
schools of a course f study with writ
ten examinations.
NAMING OF FORT SCOTT.
Km onus I'oNt Wan Started In 1.S.VJ
Ity the I'MthI DriiKiniiin,
Fort Scott, Kan., was named after
(Jeneral Wiuliold Scott. This oonipnni
tlvcly small section of Kansas soil firs
came Into distinction when, on May lit)
ISI'J, companies A and C of the Is
dragoons, under orders from the depart
meat of war, nlarchcil to this point am
pitched their tents. The name of Camp
Scott was applied by the soldiers, who
were under command of Captain Moore,
says the Kansas City Star.
In May, ISoT, by an order of Coloue
Zacbary Taylor, a military board o
commissioners consisting oj Colonel W
S. Kearney and Captain Nathan Roone,
of the First United States dragoons
was appointed to lay out a military
road from Fort Coffey, in the Cherokee
nation, to Fort Leavenworth and selec
a site for a new post, to bo locatei
somewhere midway between the two
points for tho accommodation of th
garrison at Fort Wayne. The Inellna
tion of tho commission was to locat
the post on the Spring River, but the
land owners hold tln-ir property so high
and such other conditions existed that
the commissioners wrp driven to the
Marmaton River, forty miles north, In
the selection of a point.
General Scott was at that time a ma
jor general in the army. The 'amp
was named by the soldiers tliemseive
nnd became permanent. When a town
slto was laid out Borne years later the
name was changed from Camp Scott to
Fort Scott It was the second postolllc
opened in tho territory of Kansas.
About the proudest man on any pa
per itf tho base-ball editor.
111 J IJ 9 JfcHfJ
Some droll blunders frequently
mndo by American schoolboys. Here
are a few of tho latest selected from
their compositions: "Franklin's
father was a tallow chandelier. "
"The climate of the North A'ucrica
is very ombracing." "This Bong Is
in the key of li flat." "There are
,e vowels, a. e,i, o and u." "He
liv?d in Oambridgepork. " "Man is
in the imisculnr gender because it
denotes a male." "They went to
the foolish Polish church." "Ques
tion: "What is geography?" "Geog
raphy is round, like a ball."
A gold nugget was recently found
in the craw of a chicken raised by
Miss Jonnio Kleim., at Falls City,
Kan. Now n couple of Pinkorton
sleuths hnvo been engaged to keep a
watch upon that eliickon, to see
where it picks up its food
TERRIBLE TO RECALL.
Flvo "Week In lied vrlth Tntennely
I'nlnfiil Kidney Trouble.
Mrs. Mary Wagner, of 1.107 Kossuth
Ave., Rrldgeport, Conn., says: "I was
eo weakened nnd generally run down
with kidney dis
ease that for n
Ions timo I could
not do my work
and was flvo weeks
In lied. There was
continual bearing
down pain, tcrrlblo
, backaches, head-
i aches ami at times
dizzy spells, when
everything was a
blur before me.
The passages of
' ' " tho kidney secre
tions were Irregulnr and painful, and
there wns considerable sediment nnd
odor. I don't know what I would have
done but for Donn's Klduey Pills. I
could sco an Improvement from tho first
box, and five boxes brought a final
cure."
Sold by all dealers. (50 cents n box.
Foster-Mllburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y.
The clieBtnut camo from Italy.
The onion originated in Egypt.
A OarUln Oiire for Fevrrlnliuvna.
. VfW t ..... .Inn linn t .. A .. n V. '
M Stonincli Troulilon, Teutliluu
V 1 It 1 y t I d . inH fl ii a f i ii v
aim
You Cannot
CURE
all inflamed, ulcerated and catarrhal con
ditions of the mucous membrane Btleh u
riasalcntnrrh, uterine catnrrh cnusW
by feminine Ills, sore throat, sor
mouth or Inflamed eyes by simply
dosing the stomach.
But you surely can cure these stubborn
affections by local treatment with , .j
Paxtine Toilet Antiseptic
which destroys the disease gcrms.checks
discharges, stops pain, and heals tha
inflammation and soreness.
Paxtine represents the most successful
local treatment for fcmlitlno Ills ever
produced. Thousands of women testify
to this fact. 50 cento at druggists.
Send for Free Trial Box
TUB R. PAXTON CO.. DoaCon, Mm.
A Skin of Bonuty Is a Joy Forever.
DR. T. Felix Oouraud' Oriental
Croam or MokIobI Beautlfler
lUmoTM Tun, rtmple,
rrockle. Moth Fatctiti,
lUlh, nd bkln DlntiUt,
na arary Ditmua
on Uoiutj, nd (Is
Aes lUltctlon. II
Iim itood tho tj
cf (7 Ttnr. ud
&m brmlM wt
to It tobtmnli
properly md.
Aop(nooountt.
flt of tlmllnl
Him !! to ft'
Iftdr of th kut.
At rou
ton (ft pMltnt)!
IMII
reeommend
tll
tlito,
Clonrnml'n Granm' m lh let hrraful of U Ihi
tklo prepunulom." For Mlt bjr kll druUU nd V mcr
ObOd) Uttleri In th United SUtoo, Cnd and Ettropo,
FERD.T, HOPKINS, Prop, 87 Oreil Jcnts Slrset, Men fork
I Food I
Food
Products
make picnics mote enjoyable by making
die iprcparntioni eaticr,
Euicr to curry; eaiier to serve; andjutt
right (or eating as tley come from tho con.
Libby's cooks lure firtt pick of the beat
meats obtainable and thoy know Iww
to cook them, 1 as well as pack them.
If you're not going to a picnic soon you
can make otio tomorrow at your own table
by serving soma sliced Luncheon Loaf.
It is a revelation in the blending of good
meat and good spices.
Doollel free, "Hw to M1L9
Good Thinp to Est." Vvnk
Libby, McNeill 31 Llbby, Chicago
SICK HEADACHE
CAMS
ITTLE
IYER
Positively cured by
these Iitttlo IUUi. (
They also rollore DUh
tresa from Dyopepala, I
digestion &ad Too Hearty
Kattcy. A porfect rem
edy for Dizzincfia. Hansen.
DrowfltneM, Sod Taste
In the Mouth. Coated
Tongue, P&ln In the Side
TORPID LIVER. Thm
adulate tbo Dtmola. Purely Veto table, (
SMAliPlLL SMALL D05E. "SMALL PRICE.
MOTHER GRAY'S
tft SWEET POWDERS
ivy
FOR CHILDREN,
Motncr Grav. Worms. Thtr nrnnlt uti V
NtmslnOhild. In 'Jt tour.. At ll UrugaliU, 24 uU.
rsn't Home. Hsiaolo tnalUd FUR II Addren.
n.wTCorkOlU'. A. S. OLMSTED. Le Roy. N Y.
The siinllowor wns brought from
Porn.
Mrs. Window's SOOTHING SYHUP foroMl
dreu tcethlni;. aoflons the Kimi. reduce Inlla
mntlon, allays pain.euius oolle 1'rlce Wo bottle
CARTERS
llTTLE
IVER
PILLS.
Gcnuini Must Bear
Fac-Similo Signature
REFUSE SUBSTITUTES.
JTEW DiaOOTKRTi lt qIU
I.U.t mi ),r w.nt ,. Hok ti
SMtJaiMlaliMiS 10 liar' IrMtmtrt
Vrr: ltr.ll.lt. UUEEM'aaOJta. Box U.AlUnt.Ua
The gourd in probably an Eastern
plant.
Diviiloruls asiured to Investors In our stock.
Meadow CrueU Mlnlnu' Co., Huflalo, N. Y.
Tobacco is a native of Virginia.
Maine is known as the Plne-Troo
state.
Madder camo from tho East,
WX) VIRGINIA ITARMS, buUdlnirm timber,
bc.it climate, water, markets, futur". Grains,
trucking, dalrylnir, poultry. Qrent opiiortuni
ties for furmers. Write lor Iteul lOstutu Her
ald, Pylo Si Co.. Peteraburtr, Va.
Oeiory orlginntod in Gormany.
$2 to 5 LANDS
l.OOO.OOO acres richest farm land, Colorado,
Knmtus and Nebraska Will erow unythlntf.
Gov't homosteads located, Prlntod llsw
showing exact locations and prices, ulso maus
pictures eto, VHRK
STKItf.INU INVlCSTftUCNT CO.
S05 Front .St. Htorllrnr Colo.
N N. U. 037-30, YORK, NEBR
Tbfs tlcnatvra
A Certain Cur lor Tired, Hot, Aching Foal. WltyooAJ i
DO NOT ACCEPT A SUBSTITUTE. on every box.
For
FREE
Trial Packatr
Addresn. Allei
H. Olm.to.1
LcKor, N. X.
Sale Ten Million Boxes a Year.
TM THE FAMILY'S FAVORITE EDIC1NB
ln.HSSSMSBHIBaiMaMHaMStfiHMl
BEST FOR THE BOWELS
